Copyright © 2024 by Shiori Hino

Fragmented is a work of fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Book Cover by Shiori Hino and Luca Lapin

1st edition 2025

Fragmented is free to read. The complete novel, along with the eBook download, and other related content can be found on the official website:

https://www.littleonibooksandstories.com/

Table of Contents

Prologue – Rion

Chapter 1 – Rion

Chapter 2 – Jesse

Chapter 3 – Noa

Chapter 4 – Rion

Chapter 5 – Jesse

Chapter 6 – Noa

Chapter 7 – Rion

Chapter 8 – Jesse

Chapter 9 – Rion

Chapter 10 – Noa

Chapter 11 – Rion

Chapter 12 – Sarina

Chapter 13 – Noa

Chapter 14 – Rion

Chapter 15 – Peter

Chapter 16 – Peter

Chapter 17 – Peter

Chapter 18 – Peter

Chapter 19 – Jesse

Chapter 20 – Noa

Chapter 21 – Peter

Chapter 22 – Rion

Chapter 23 – Celeste

Chapter 24 – Rion

Chapter 25 – Peter

Chapter 26 – Rion

Chapter 27 – Jesse

Chapter 28 – Sarina

Chapter 29 – Rion

Chapter 30 – Rion

Chapter 31 – Celeste

Chapter 32 – Danny

Chapter 33 – Sarina

Chapter 34 – Rion

Chapter 35 – Peter

Chapter 36 – Celeste

Chapter 37 – Rion

Chapter 38 – Rion

Chapter 39 – Rion

Chapter 40 – Peter

Chapter 41 – Sarina

Chapter 42 – Jesse

Chapter 43 – Noa

Chapter 44 – Danny

Chapter 45 – Rion

Chapter 46 – Noa

Chapter 47 – Rion

Chapter 48 – Noa

Chapter 49 – Peter

Chapter 50 – Rion

Chapter 51 – Rion

Chapter 52 – Noa

Chapter 53 – Peter

Chapter 54 – Noa

Chapter 55 – Danny

Chapter 56 – Danny

Chapter 57 – Jesse

Chapter 58 – Celeste

Chapter 59 – Sarina

Chapter 60 – Rion

Chapter 61 – Peter

Chapter 62 – Noa

Chapter 63 – Rion

Chapter 64 – Rion

Chapter 65 – Jesse

Chapter 66 – Peter

Chapter 67 – Rion

Chapter 68 – Noa

Chapter 69 – Peter

Chapter 70 – Danny

Chapter 71 – Sarina

Chapter 72 – Jesse

Chapter 73 – Sarina

Chapter 74 – Danny

Chapter 75 – Celeste

Chapter 76 – Peter

Chapter 77 – Peter

Chapter 78 – Jesse

Chapter 79 – Noa

Chapter 80 – Rion

Chapter 81 – Jesse

Chapter 82 – Jesse

Chapter 83 – Jesse

Chapter 84 – Noa

Chapter 85 – Celeste

Chapter 86 – Rion

Chapter 87 – Peter

Chapter 88 – Noa

Chapter 89 – Peter

Chapter 90 – Noa

Chapter 91 – Jesse

Chapter 92 – Rion

Chapter 93 – Rion

Chapter 94 – Jesse

Epilogue – Rion

Dedication

Prologue – Rion

Saturday, September 5, 1998

Rion could still smell smoke. The taste of it was stuck in his throat, thick on his tongue as he stepped into the cold morning air with his dad.

After the chaos of first responders, police, and the hospital, the grey parking lot felt like a foreign, alien world. It was all wrong. He shouldn’t be going home like everything was okay, like everything was said and done and over.

The sky was beginning to glow with the first hint of sunlight. As Rion’s dad led him to the car, one arm around his shoulders, Rion saw the Murphys next to their own vehicle.

Mrs. Murphy was in the front passenger seat. She was in tears, her shoulders shaking as she buried her face into a handful of tissues. The rear door was open while Mr. Murphy and Peter helped Noa into the back seat.

Mr. Murphy had his back to Rion, but he could see Peter who was standing next to the car, leaning on it for support. His eyes were puffy and red, glassy as he stared off into nothing.

And Noa...

He was bundled up in a blanket, his heavily bandaged hand poking out. His face was pale, ashen, eyes downcast, expression blank.

As Rion and his dad passed by, Noa glanced up. Their eyes met.

The smoke on Rion’s tongue grew bitter with the sharp swell of emotions. He felt like he could lose himself all over again, dizzy and sick and spiralling out of control.

For a few, brief seconds, Rion’s world was only him, Noa, and the rapid beating of his own heart.

But then Noa looked away. Rion’s dad kept walking and Rion’s legs followed obediently.

Rion turned away, following his dad to their car.

Chapter 1 – Rion

Friday, September 3, 2004

When Rion left the principal’s office, he was both sore from his lunch hour beating and exhausted from the lecture he’d been forced to sit through. He’d lost count of the number of times Mr. Dupont told him he was ‘lucky he wasn’t being suspended’, and how his father was going to hear about this.

“Good fucking luck getting my dad to pick up a phone,” Rion grumbled under his breath.

There was still one final class for the day. History. Rion couldn’t care less. Mrs. Brown only wanted them to memorize dates, and Rion was likely to fall asleep to the sound of her elderly, droning voice.

So, instead of going to class and napping until home time, he walked down the empty halls to the vending machine near the gym.

Rion bought himself a root beer, holding the cold bottle of pop to his bruised eye. He heaved a breath, standing there for a moment, letting himself zone out while it eased his stinging skin. He reminded himself that a teacher could show up any moment. He couldn’t stand around.

He stopped by his locker, grabbing his things, slinging his backpack over one shoulder. With one final glance at the empty halls, he turned for the main entrance and started to walk. The only sounds were his shoes on the linoleum and muffled noises of classes behind closed doors.

Grade twelve… Assuming Rion actually passed his classes, he’d never have to come back after graduation.

Good riddance.

Rion gave up on using the root beer to soothe his black eye, cracking it open and taking a long sip on his way out the front door. He was glad he did. It was still early September and walking outside, he immediately felt the heat of the afternoon prairie sun.

It was gross. He wished the weather would take a turn and start snowing already. This was the worst part of autumn, where the days were still hot and dry. Rion wanted everything cold and gloomy – the sooner, the better.

Rion took his time walking home, nursing his drink. It was quiet outside, no people around, no dirty looks thrown his way. Despite the heat beating down on him, it wasn’t a bad walk home. He took a shortcut he normally wouldn’t take, wandering through the empty park.

Eventually, he turned down his street. Rion didn’t know what to do when he got home. He contemplated his options, recalling that he’d downloaded some new shows last weekend…

His steps slowed as he neared his house. There was a giant moving truck parked at the end of the street. It was impossible to miss. Rion studied it with mild curiosity.

The house on the end had sold about a week ago, but this was the first time he’d seen anyone stop by. Rion wondered what sad person decided to move to Misty Meadows dreaming of an idyllic life on the prairie.

As Rion got closer, he thought that some of the people unloading the moving truck looked familiar. He came to a stop, realizing it wasn’t his imagination.

Was that really…?

A young man with a box in his arms spotted Rion. He handed it off to another mover and waved with both hands enthusiastically, grinning.

“Rion! Hey, Rion!” the young man called out. “Long time, no see!”

Rion was frozen, his breath caught. It wasn’t just shock but intense, painful nostalgia.

The young man came jogging down the sidewalk, someone calling out a sharp, “Danny!” from next to the truck. Grinning, the youth barrelled into Rion, pulling him into a tight, unprompted hug. It stung Rion’s bruises, but he returned the gesture reflexively.

“Am I ever glad to see you!” Danny said into his shoulder before pulling away with a bark of laughter. “How’s it going, man? It’s been ages!”

Rion fought hard to find his voice.

Daniel Fox hadn’t changed one bit. He was cheerful and warm, with energy enough to rival an excited army of puppies. His hair was neatly trimmed and as dark as his eyes, his complexion swarthy. He was stocky and short, so short that Rion wasn’t even sure he’d grown in the six years they’d been apart. Rion was one of the shortest in his grade and Danny was still looking up at him, despite being a year older.

“I… Hi…” Rion said. “You’re… Wow.”

“Right?” Danny laughed. “Bet you never thought you’d see me again, huh? Oh man, it’s so weird moving back! Like, we’re not even moving to the same house, so everything is different. But hey! We’re practically neighbours! Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah…” Rion said, searching for anything else to say.

His mind was still fighting to process the fact that Danny – an older, more mature Danny – was standing right in front of him.

“Danny, can you catch up later?” Mr. Fox, Danny’s dad, called from next to the moving truck. “These boxes aren’t going to move themselves!”

“Coming!” Danny called back before giving Rion an apologetic smile. “Sorry. We’ve got lots to unpack. We really need to catch up, though!”

Rion hesitated. He felt awkward and lost. His instinct told him he should walk away and go home. He should smile, say goodbye, and head into his own house. But Danny was such a strong reminder of how things used to be, what Rion used to have…

It was the first time in years that anyone had given Rion such a warm greeting. He couldn’t remember the last time someone was happy to see him, waved at him with a smile, or hugged him. His head felt fuzzy, and an unfamiliar weight settled in his chest.

He wanted more. Rion had an overwhelming desire to reconnect with Danny. The weight in his chest turned into an ache that kept him rooted to the spot.

“Why don’t I give you a hand unpacking?” Rion offered. “It looks like it’s just you, your dad, and the movers.”

“Mom’s here too, but she’s sorting things out inside,” Danny said. “My brothers are all busy in the city, doing university or college or whatever. So yeah, it couldn’t hurt to have an extra set of hands. That’s awesome of you to offer.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Rion told him. “I don’t have anything going on right now.”

“You’re the best!” Danny said, all smiles. “Come on. I bet Mom and Dad would love to say hi.”

Rion followed Danny back to the truck. He felt weird, each step he took strangely light. The whole situation was surreal, like some kind of dream.

Danny was moving back to Misty Meadows. He was going to be living here again. It was so strange. Rion hadn’t seen him since…

Since the funeral.

Rion suddenly felt cold despite the hot sun beating down on him.

“Hey,” Danny’s dad said as they came up. Rion was happy for the distraction, allowing himself to be drawn from his thoughts.

Mr. Fox was tall and fit, muscular with a sturdy build. Rion always felt small standing next to him and that hadn’t changed. It was hard to see the resemblance between him and Danny. Mr. Fox was a blue-eyed blond, pretty much the opposite of his son.

“Hello, Mr. Fox,” Rion said.

“Rion, I’ve known you since pre-school. You can call me Greg,” the man chuckled. “Good to see you again. You got taller!”

“I guess,” Rion said, glancing away.

“Rion offered to help us,” Danny said.

“Are you sure?” Mr. Fox asked, looking taken aback as he looked Rion over. “You… Is that a black eye? Are you okay?”

“I got into a fight at school,” Rion said, wanting to be direct and move on. In reality, he flailed uselessly while he’d taken a beating. Calling it a fight made it sound a lot less pathetic. “What needs to go where? I want to help.”

Mr. Fox hesitated, still looking concerned.

“If you’re sure you want to… We just need to get everything into the house for now,” Mr. Fox told him. “We can sort the rest out once it’s inside.”

“Sure thing,” Rion said with a smile. “It’s actually kind of cool that you’re moving back.”

“Ha, well, the construction job didn’t pan out the way I expected,” Mr. Fox said, handing him a box from the moving truck.

“Dad’s got plans to open up a business down at the lake,” Danny added as he grabbed a box himself. “We bought a place out there too. Mom’s on board with the whole thing and once Russ is done college, he might come help.”

“We’ll see how it works out,” Mr. Fox said. “Until then, we’re depending on my lovely wife and her return to commuting to her office in the city. Might be tough for a while.”

They headed in with the boxes and once Rion set down the one he was carrying, he dropped his backpack in a chair along with the bottle of root beer. The living room was filled with boxes already, some of the hired movers putting stuff down and grabbing more things from the truck. Rion recognized some of it, furniture and lamps and other stuff that had been around when they were kids.

Danny’s mom, Althea Fox, was there. She was a curvaceous woman and the cause of Danny’s shortness. She was the same height as her son. Her kids got all their genetics from her.

Rion had always liked Mrs. Fox. She was as friendly as Danny and treated most of her son’s friends like they were her own children. Rion liked to imagine that was what his own mother was like, since he couldn’t remember much about her.

“Rion!” Mrs. Fox gushed the moment she saw him. She hurried over to pull him into a tight hug, just like her son had. He tried not to wince. “Oh, look at you! You got so tall! It’s so good to see you again!”

Rion pulled back with a smile. “It’s really good to see you too, Mrs. Fox.”

“Oh, you silly. It’s Althea– What happened to your eye?!”

“I got into a fight at school,” Rion explained again. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Who would hit your pretty face! You poor thing!” Mrs. Fox continued. “I don’t have any ice right now…”

“It’s fine,” Rion tried to reassure her, holding up his hands. “Really.”

“He’s trying to help us unload the moving truck, Mom,” Danny said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re going to smother him and I’m going to die of embarrassment.”

“I’m not smothering him,” Mrs. Fox said. “Rion, if you’re hurt, you shouldn’t be working.”

“Thank you, really, but I’m okay,” Rion told her. “I mean it.”

Mrs. Fox reluctantly let Rion return to helping. It didn’t take too long with all of them and movers working together. Soon enough they were done, and Mr. Fox forced a twenty on him for his help. Rion tried to refuse but both of Danny’s parents insisted.

“I should get going,” Rion said, mostly because he was worried they would invite him over for supper. If they did, he wouldn’t be able to refuse. “I have homework and stuff to do, so…”

“Sure. Hey, I’ll walk you home,” Danny said.

“Danny, I’m practically across the street,” Rion said.

“I know but I want to maximize every second with you,” Danny said with a wide smile. “I have alllll the catching up to do.”

“Fine, if that’s really what you want,” Rion relented.

He said his goodbyes to Danny’s parents and headed across the road. Danny stuck with him and they walked over to Rion’s place. It was across the street and four doors down.

“So, how is everyone?” Danny asked.

Rion had relaxed, enjoying the company of Danny and his family. It was so sweet and familiar that it hurt, reminding him of the old days. What he wouldn’t give to have things be how they used to be back when they were kids…

But Danny’s question sobered him.

“I don’t know,” Rion said.

“What?” Danny laughed. “Come on, don’t joke around. How’s Sarina? And Noa… How’s he been?”

Rion stopped on his doorstep, pulling out his keys and playing with them in his hand. He stood there too long, not wanting to answer. Once he found his resolve, he turned back to Danny.

“Noa… He’s barely left his house since…you know…” Rion said, unable to say the words.

“Amber?” Danny asked, his expression becoming serious, mournful.

“Yeah,” Rion confirmed, swallowing hard. “I haven’t seen him since…then.”

“But you’re best friends,” Danny said.

Rion smiled bitterly and shrugged. “I hear he’s basically mute now. I don’t know. We haven’t seen each other in years.”

“Wow,” Danny said, both surprised and put out. “That… That’s crazy. You two were so close. I… Yeah, uh… What about Peter? Or, you know, Celeste? Jesse? …Travis…?”

“We don’t talk either,” Rion said.

“Why?” Danny asked. “You must hang out with someone… Sarina, right? You guys were in the same grade with Noa. I know she can be annoying sometimes, but…”

“Sarina gave me this black eye,” Rion said. “She hangs out with Eric and Monique these days.”

Danny stared at him, wide-eyed in disbelief. Rion couldn’t meet his gaze for long before he turned away.

“Wh-why? Why would she do that?” Danny finally managed to ask. “It doesn’t make sense. How could she?”

“Things aren’t how they used to be,” Rion said. “When Amber… Everything changed. People went their separate ways.”

“I don’t get it…” Danny said, shaking his head. “I don’t…”

“It’s probably better for you to stay away from me,” Rion told him. “At least if you want to stay friends with everyone else.”

“What the hell…” Danny began then stopped. “Is that why you’re not wearing your friendship bracelet?”

The question was like a stab to the heart. It left a real, physical ache in Rion’s chest. His hand went to his bare wrist.

He hadn’t worn anything there, not even a watch, these past six years.

Even worse, now Rion realized that Danny still had his friendship bracelet. He was wearing it. The red and orange weave was old and worn but it seemed like Danny had never taken it off.

Rion was ashamed.

“If I don’t tell you, someone else will. Probably Sarina,” Rion said. “I cut up my friendship bracelet and threw it away.”

Danny was shocked into silence. He gaped at Rion, stunned. Rion couldn’t look at him, couldn’t meet his eye. It hurt too much.

“That… But Rion…” Danny finally said. “Amber… Amber made those bracelets for us…”

“Amber’s dead.”

With that said, Rion needed to get away. His heart was pounding in his chest. He felt hot – too hot. He needed to be somewhere else, and fast.

Rion turned to his house, turning the key in the lock, and stepped inside without another word to Danny, who was left on his front step. He locked the door behind him and slid down to the floor, curling in on himself, covering his head with his hands.

He should have known better. He should have known that he couldn’t talk to Danny. Things weren’t how they used to be.

Rion sucked in a painful breath, closing his eyes tight.

Chapter 2 – Jesse

Saturday, September 4, 2004

There wasn’t an official agreement between anyone, but every year on the fourth of September, there was a small get-together at the graveyard.

Jesse came every year on the anniversary of Amber’s death. He visited when he could throughout the year, but today was a day Jesse felt obligated to visit, no matter what. He always brought flowers; twelve red roses. It had turned into a tradition.

Jesse arrived at the graveyard before anyone else this year. It gave him a chance to arrange the roses, to check the headstone and make sure it was clean. Just as he finished, the Murphys arrived.

Amber’s parents always brought her lilies. They were Amber’s favourite. Peter, Amber’s younger brother, was with them.

As expected, Noa was nowhere in sight. He was probably still in the car.

“Hey,” Jesse greeted them, getting to his feet and dusting off his hands.

“Good morning, Jesse,” Elaine, Amber’s mother, said with a warm but tired smile. Amber and Peter had both taken after her, sharing her dark brown hair and gentle features. “It’s good to see you. How have you been?”

“Busy,” Jesse admitted.

“I heard you took a job out at the lake a while back,” Amber’s father, Charlie, said conversationally.

His wife went to put the flowers on Amber’s grave, setting them next to Jesse’s roses. Peter gave her a hand.

“Yeah, down at the gift shop. It’s nothing special,” Jesse said.

“Oh, Jesse, these roses are beautiful,” Mrs. Murphy said. “Did you get them at Labelle Gardens?”

“I had to,” he told her with a smile. “Their greenhouse is the best.”

“Sophie gave us a hand with the lilies when we picked them up,” Charlie said. “I didn’t see Celeste, so I thought she would be here already.”

“I’m sure she’s on her way,” Peter added as he stood, brushing off his hands and turning to Jesse. “Any plans for school?”

Jesse couldn’t help but smile. Peter had changed in some ways and stayed the same in others. He was tall, dark haired, but he had his father’s green, sharp-eyed gaze. He looked like someone who would be in business or law from the professional way he liked to dress, but the reality was that he was a complete nerd in the fondest sense.

“I’m still not sure,” Jesse admitted. “I don’t know what I want to do yet. I’ve been looking at a lot of courses and programs, but I figured it doesn’t hurt to work and save up for school while I think it through.”

Peter nodded. “It’s better to go once you know what you want to do. I started school knowing I wanted to work with computers and technology. I know it makes a difference. Some of my classmates are so lost and it feels like a dozen people drop out the first month of each semester.”

“Well, we always knew you were smart,” Jesse told him. “You could have picked anything.”

Peter rolled his eyes and Jesse chuckled.

“It’s not that I’m smart. I’m just determined,” Peter said. “There’s a difference.”

Jesse spotted a beat up, half-rusted, red pickup truck. It pulled up next to where the Murphys parked their car. That was Travis which meant Sarina was here. He could see her slipping out the passenger door, bleached blond hair pulled up into a messy bun. She was clearly enjoying the warm weather since she was wearing a halter top, jeans, and some faux-suede boots. Sarina called out as she ran over to them, waving her arms enthusiastically.

“Heeey!”

Peter turned to his parents and joined in the quiet conversation they were having. Peter had never been close to Sarina but now he barely acknowledged her.

Jesse wasn’t close to her either, but he felt a sort of camaraderie with her. They were linked by their different relationships with Amber.

Jesse waved back.

“I almost didn’t make it because my idiot brother got pulled over by the cops,” Sarina complained when she reached them. “We got lucky and it turned out we were pulled over for speeding and we got let off with a warning…”

She glanced at the Murphys and then lowered her voice to confide with Jesse, “And of course Travis had weed on him. I was sweating the whole time. Talk about a heart attack!”

“You need your own car,” Jesse told her.

“Can’t afford one and dad gave the old truck to Travis. It’s such a pain,” Sarina huffed, leaning back. “Anyway, it’s good to see you guys. How are you?”

“Busy. I’ve been working,” Jesse said.

“Out at the lake, right? Aren’t they doing a whole bunch of renovations out there? Like, they’re building a resort or something, aren’t they?”

“I think so. They did a bunch of work on the old visitor’s center and they’re building new cabins.”

Travis had gotten out of his truck and was already lighting up a cigarette when another car pulled up behind him. Travis waved at the occupants of the other vehicle. Celeste got out of the driver’s side waving back, and, of all people, Danny got out of the passenger’s side, bouquet of yellow roses in hand.

“Is that Danny?” Jesse asked.

Sarina’s head whipped around. “Oh my god, it is. Danny! Hey!”

She waved enthusiastically and Danny lifted one arm to wave back. He came hurrying over, Celeste not too far behind.

“Sarinaaaa!” Danny called out, grinning when he finally came to stop. “Ugly as ever, I see.”

“We haven’t seen each other in ages and that’s the first thing you say?” she said but she was grinning. “You fucking jerk.”

“I missed you too!” Danny laughed. Then he turned to Jesse. “Hey, Jess! Good to see you! And Peter! Hi!”

“Hi, Danny,” Peter said with a smile. “It’s great to see you.”

Sarina took that moment to lunge and pull Danny into a tight hug. Danny managed to hold the roses out of the way, saving them from being smushed. He laughed, hugging Sarina back with one arm. Celeste reached them, smiling as she took the flowers so that Danny could give Sarina a proper hug.

“Did you shrink?” Sarina said. “You’re shorter than me now! How the hell did that happen?”

“You grew! Also, you’re blonde now! What the heck,” Danny said, trying to pull back. “Okay, okay! Let go!”

“Hey,” Celeste added. She had barely changed over the years; pushed in nose, bucked toothed, and yet somehow possessed one of the world’s sweetest smiles. “It’s good to see all of you. I ran into Danny on the way here and offered him a ride.”

“Because Celeste is an angel,” Danny said when Sarina finally let him go. “We got the flowers together.”

“Did you drive in from the city?” Jesse asked.

“Nope,” Danny said, popping the ‘P’. “My parents and I just moved back! I’m here to stay. The timing worked out really great though, huh?”

“Really?” Sarina said, surprised. “I… Wow. That’s a shock. Are all fifty of your brothers coming back too?”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Ha, ha. Very funny. No, only Russell might be coming back. The others are all doing school and work and stuff. Angelo is engaged now and wedding planning, Josh and Nate are still in school, and Gabe dropped out and got this post office job.”

“Is Josh still doing that engineering course?” Peter asked.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “He’s loving it but at this rate he’ll be in school forever.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re back,” Sarina said. “You’re a jerk but, you know, you can hang out with me, Monique, and Jolie. Sometimes Kyle and Eric hang out with us too. Those two are losers but, you know… We can do all kinds of stuff together! It’ll be great!”

Danny started to smile but for some reason hesitated. His lips twitched up then stopped.

“Maybe,” he said.

Jesse thought it was weird. Danny might have been older than Sarina but when they were younger, he’d been pretty taken with her and eager to get up to no good. Danny was everyone’s friend but if anyone was his best friend, it was Sarina.

Then again, it had been a really long time since they’d all gotten together.

“Maybe?” Sarina repeated, taken aback. Then she scoffed. “Oh, I get it. You’re a big city guy now, too cool to hang out with us rural kids. You grew up to be a snob like Peter.”

“I’m not a snob,” Peter said, wrinkling his nose at the suggestion.

“Yeah, and neither am I,” Danny said. He hesitated again. “It’s just… When my parents and I were moving in…”

“Is that Noa?” Celeste interrupted him.

They all turned to look.

Celeste was right, it was definitely Noa. He was sitting in the back seat of the Murphys’ car, legs hanging out of the open door. He was leaning out, elbows on his knees, head bowed. He looked like he was going to be sick.

They watched as Travis walked over to him from his truck, cigarette still tucked between his lips. He said something to Noa but there was no reaction or response.

“We left the car going with AC,” Peter said. “I was going to check on him soon.”

“Is Noa still…?” Sarina began and then shrugged in obvious discomfort, “…you know…”

“He’s as quiet as ever. He still likes to hide in his room, but he comes down sometimes,” Peter said, trying to sound casual about it. There was a note of concern in his voice. “He's still into music and video games. And he hasn’t stopped drawing…”

“He still won’t come over to see Amber?” Celeste asked, gesturing to the grave.

“Not willingly,” Peter said.

“He looks like a zombie,” Sarina said, grimacing.

Jesse did his best to study Noa from a distance. Noa had to be…what – seventeen now, maybe? But he was so small and scrawny. With his head hanging down like that, he looked miserable and half-dead.

“I’m going to go talk to him,” Danny said.

“What?” Sarina said, turning to him sharply.

“You can try,” Peter said, “but don’t expect him to respond.”

“It’s fine. I want to say hi to Travis anyway. Gotta ask him how he puts up with Sarina,” Danny said, flashing them a smile. “I’ll be back.”

“I’ll come with you,” Jesse found himself saying.

It had been a while since he’d seen Noa face to face. They hadn’t talked since before Amber passed away and this was the only day of the year Jesse was likely to see him.

No one else offered to go, so Jesse and Danny walked through the grass, heading for the cars together.

“I feel like I’ve been gone too long,” Danny said. “Everything’s changed.”

“Not everything,” Jesse said. “But there have been a lot of changes, yes.”

“Semantics,” Danny groaned. “Yeah, I know. I just feel out of the loop. I had the weirdest day yesterday when we were moving in.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I saw Rion.”

Jesse tripped over his own feet. Danny caught him by the arm.

“You good?” Danny asked.

“Yeah. Fine. I…I was surprised,” Jesse said, feeling a strange mixture of emotion fluttering in his chest. “You saw Rion?”

“Yeah,” Danny said, glancing away. He looked uncomfortable. “He helped us move some stuff into the house. It was almost normal, but… He had a black eye. He said Sarina gave it to him and that I should stay away from him, and then…”

“Then?” Jesse asked, making sure to go slow. He didn’t want Noa to hear them talking about this.

“Rion said… He said he cut up his friendship bracelet and threw it away.”

Danny looked upset as he said it and Jesse couldn’t help the uncomfortable flip his own stomach did. He remembered when Rion told him the same thing, back when they had confronted him about it. Sarina had told everyone and Rion never even tried to hide it.

Jesse felt the weight of his own bracelet. It was a light weave of blue and green with gold threads woven in. When Amber made it for him, she winked and told him his bracelet wasn’t a friendship bracelet but a promise bracelet. The thought used to get him flustered and embarrassed. Now it left behind a sad, empty feeling that persisted whenever he thought about it.

“Rion told me that too,” Jesse said.

“I don’t believe him.”

“What?” Jesse said, taken aback.

Danny looked up at him. “Rion wouldn’t do something like that. It’s not who he is. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. The guy is, like, a hoarder when it comes to that sort of stuff. He collected every ticket stub when we went to shows, and he would ask for pictures of special events, and... Don’t you remember how he begged to have that stupid bow off the stage from his fifth grade Christmas play? He’d never cut up his friendship bracelet and throw it away.”

When Danny put it like that…yeah, it didn’t make sense. The Rion that Jesse remembered from childhood was a sweet, earnest kid.

But Rion became a different person after Amber died. It was a change that happened almost overnight. He was cold, indifferent, without compassion for anyone or anything.

“He doesn’t have a reason to lie,” Jesse said. “Why would he say that? Just to hurt us?”

“I don’t know…” Danny said, frowning. “But it doesn’t make sense. It isn’t right.”

They reached the cars and dropped the subject. Travis gave them a small wave as they walked up.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi, Travis,” Danny said, his smile coming back.

“Sarina said you almost got caught with pot on the way here,” Jesse said.

“Of course she was telling you about that,” Travis groaned. “We were pulled over for speeding. The sign said 50 and I was going 60 – not even a big deal. There wasn’t anyone on the road for miles.”

Danny let out a snort of amusement. “Sounds like you got lucky.”

“Whatever,” Travis said, taking a long drag of his cigarette. “Shitty cops have nothing better to do out here. Probably just looking for someone to talk to.”

Danny stepped closer. Noa was still sitting there, head down. He hadn’t reacted to them at all.

Noa stood out in Misty Meadows since the day he moved to town. His features were distinctly Asian; straight, pitch-black hair, dark eyes, a small build, and pale skin. But Noa was too pale now, a sickly shade of white. Despite the weather, he was wearing a hoody that he was drowning in, only the tips of his fingers poking out of the sleeves.

“Hey, Noa,” Danny said. “I came over to say hi. I’m moving back to town. Pretty neat, huh? It’s good to see you again.”

Nothing. Not even a twitch. Noa didn’t move.

Travis shook his head. “It’s no good. He’s probably off in la-la land.”

“Why’d he open the car door then?” Danny said and stepped closed. “Hey, Noa? Can you hear me? Hello?”

Still nothing.

“Told you,” Travis said, taking another drag from his smoke. It was almost gone. “He’s probably all drugged up or whatever. He was on some kind of antidepressant stuff, according to the rumours.”

“What do the Murphys say?” Danny asked.

“Don’t know,” Travis said with a shrug. “All I know is that Noa either doesn’t want to talk or else he’s so high on meds or whatever that he can’t think straight. Who knows?”

“Noa?” Danny tried again.

He reached out, touching Noa’s shoulder and, finally, he got a reaction. Noa pulled away, retreating into the car. He laid down on the back seat, curling on his side.

“See?” Travis said, taking a final drag of his cigarette. He dropped it to the ground and crushed it under his heel into the gravel. “Noa’s not home.”

“Damn,” Danny said, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Yeah,” Travis agreed. “Can’t help feeling for him.”

Jesse was aware that Noa shut down after Amber’s death but seeing it was something else. Amber might have been Noa’s cousin, but he lived with the Murphys so she was more like an older sister to him. Combined with the fact that he was there when she died…

It made sense. But it was still so hard to see Noa like this. Jesse wished there was something he could do to help.

Danny was quiet. It looked like he was searching for something to say. Travis, meanwhile, pulled out his pack of cigarettes, fiddling with it.

“Those aren’t good for you,” Jesse said, gesturing to the smokes.

“Don’t care,” Travis said, but he didn’t take one out. Instead, he continued to fidget with the pack, sighing. “You know, I’m all for this annual little gathering but it’s awkward as fuck. I liked Amber. She was cool. But I didn’t know her well enough to bring her flowers and…all of that.”

He waved to the others who were all hanging around Amber’s grave, talking.

“That’s fine,” Jesse said. “You’re here. I know Amber would’ve appreciated it.”

“You’re coming for coffee after, right?” Danny finally said, giving up on Noa for now. “Celeste told me everyone goes for a drink down at the hotel once we’ve seen Amber.”

“Yeah, that’s more my style,” Travis said. “After that, I’m heading home though. And if Sarina has other plans, she’s going to have to walk wherever she’s going.”

“Fair,” Danny said but smiled. “I can’t believe you still drive her around.”

“Only sometimes,” Travis said. “I let her borrow the truck now and again. It’s a pain in the ass. We need another car.”

“Saving up for one?” Danny asked.

“As if! Saving to move out. The truck is mine. Sarina’s the one who needs to buy herself a car. Besides, I’m not working right now.”

“Aaaaaah, so that explains why you’re her ride. She’s paying for the gas right now, isn’t she. I think Celeste said she was working part time this summer at her family’s greenhouse…”

“Yeah, sure, she pays for gas sometimes. When I can’t throw the money together.”

Danny raised his eyebrows. “I thought you said you don’t have a job.”

“I have my ways,” Travis told him smugly. “I have stuff going on; plans within plans. I’m not staying in this dump forever.”

“It’s not so bad,” Jesse said. “The people are all right.”

“Only half of them are decent, at best,” Travis scoffed. “The rest are too nosy for their own good or have their heads stuck up their own asses.”

“Actually, speaking of people,” Danny began, “Travis, have you seen Rion recently?”

Jesse tensed. He wasn’t the only one to react. Noa made a small movement from the backseat of the car and Travis glanced away, rubbing the back of his neck.

Jesse hadn’t expected Danny to bring that up. Especially in front of Noa.

“I’m steering clear of that whole situation,” Travis said.

“Really? Why?” Danny said. “I’m trying to figure out what’s up with him and why things are so… I mean, I saw him yesterday. He helped me and my parents unload stuff and move in. He told me upfront about the friendship bracelet. But… I don’t know. It’s even weird that he’s not here right now, today, with the rest of us.”

“He doesn’t ever come here,” Jesse said, unable to stop the bitterness from creeping into his voice. “Even if we tried to include him, he would refuse. Danny, it’s…”

“The whole situation is fucked up,” Travis said. “Rion… He does his own thing. And the way things are between him and Sarina… Yeah, it’s crazy.”

“But all this over Rion cutting up his friendship bracelet?” Danny said and quickly raised his hands. “I mean, I get it. I do. I know that it’s… I mean, it’s really upsetting. But it doesn’t add up. It seems… I want to understand it. I came back and now everything’s different.”

“What are you talking about?”

They jolted in surprise, turning to Noa. He had spoken up, his voice rough from disuse. He was sitting up in the backseat, looking at them with dark eyes, brows knit into a frown.

Noa looked more alert than Jesse had seen in years.

“Noa! Hi!” Danny said right away. “Finally ready to talk?”

“You said something about Rion?” Noa asked.

It was a shock to hear Noa speak but it was more of a surprise that he was following their conversation. Jesse honestly hadn’t thought that Noa was aware of what was happening around him.

“Yeah, we were!” Danny said, looking happy to be talking to Noa at all. “Rion said it’s been a while since the two of you saw each other. Is that true? I thought you were best friends.”

Noa glanced away, eyes darting about. He looked like he was lost in thought or maybe trying to carefully select what he wanted to say next.

Yes, he was much more alert than Jesse thought. No question.

“You said Rion cut up his friendship bracelet,” Noa said.

“Yeah, that’s what he told me,” Danny confirmed. “I mean, I’m not sure I believe it. It seems weird, right?”

“Danny, we all saw the bracelet,” Jesse said. He couldn’t stay quiet. “Sarina showed it to us, and Rion admitted that he did it. There really isn’t any way to deny it…”

“Then there must be a reason for it,” Danny said. “You can’t really think Rion would do that. You know him.”

“I knew him,” Jesse corrected Danny. “He’s not the same person anymore.”

Jesse could still remember the confrontation they’d had. Rion had casually admitted to Sarina’s angry accusations, shrugged like it didn’t even matter.

“Yeah. Sure. That was me. I did it,” Rion had said, indifferent. “So what?”

The memory still stung. Jesse avoided Rion for a long while after that. Even now, he avoided him when he could.

“You’re wrong.”

Noa had spoken up again. He was looking down, expression pinched.

“Who’s wrong? About what?” Danny said.

Noa looked up. He half-opened his mouth to reply, but then he glanced over Danny’s shoulder. Whatever he saw made him look back down. His expression closed off again.

“Noa?”

Peter was the one to call out. He had walked over, the expression on his face one of cautious optimism. Glancing back, Jesse realized the others were watching them.

“Noa?” Peter tried again and then glanced between Jesse, Danny, and Travis. “Were the four of you having a conversation?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “We were talking about Rion. I ran into him the other day.”

Peter’s expression darkened at the mention of Rion’s name.

“Really? Him?” Peter said. “What a waste of breath. There must be better things to talk about.”

Abruptly, Noa pushed himself out of the car, startling them. He brushed past them, somewhat unsteady on his feet. Then he started walking.

“Noa?” Peter called after him. “Where are you going?”

Noa didn’t answer him. In fact, he blatantly ignored his cousin.

“Noa,” Jesse tried, moving to follow him. “Hey. What’s up?”

“Walking,” Noa answered simply, not looking back.

“We’ll come with you,” Danny said, hurrying to catch up to him. “It’ll be good to get some air. Right?”

Noa said nothing, trudging determinedly ahead along the shoulder of the road.

Chapter 3 – Noa

Saturday, September 4, 2004

Noa needed to get away from Peter and clear his mind of all its racing thoughts. So he walked.

The last time Noa had gone for a real walk was years ago on a very different fourth of September. If he closed his eyes, he could remember every detail vividly… But he didn’t want to. He would never want to.

It was hot out and in minutes he felt overwhelmed. His breath came heavier. He started to sweat. There was nothing in sight for miles, save for the open prairie and the sky.

Noa hated it.

“Where are you going?” Danny asked from behind him. “You’re not planning on walking all the way to the lake, are you?”

Noa inwardly shuddered. That was the last place he wanted to be.

“I guess we can walk until we get tired,” Jesse reasoned, keeping up with them. “We can’t make it to the lake on our own. Someone will probably pick us up if we go too far. Travis, maybe.”

No, it wouldn’t be Travis. Noa knew the Murphys would come for him soon. He wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to intervene right now. They could come for him any second.

Noa never should have opened his mouth. He never should have opened the car door.

He should have curled up in the back seat of the car and daydreamed or listened to music. It was better. Safer. He knew that. He just wanted to breathe in some of fresh air, to clear his head a little and maybe watch some bugs crawl along the roadside. He didn’t expect anyone to come over and try to talk.

“Noa? Seriously, are you okay?” Danny asked.

No, he wasn’t. Noa wasn’t okay. Not even a little. The fourth of September was always a terrible day. This year was no different.

Rion told everyone that he cut up his friendship bracelet.

When did it happen? Noa spent almost all his time with his aunt, uncle, and Peter. And Peter never mentioned anything like that.

Then again, why would he tell Noa? They barely talked. Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie were the ones who liked to monologue to him.

Rion… Did he really cut up the bracelet that Amber gave him? Would he do that because…? No, had he even done it? Was he lying?

Noa felt sick thinking about it.

This was his fault.

He stopped walking and closed his eyes. He could hear Jesse and Danny stop behind him, but he ignored them. Noa tried taking a few soft, deep breaths. He wanted to think about something else. He needed to free up his mind and relax.

It was impossible, but he had to try.

“Noa?”

“Are you done walking?”

“We can head back if you’re tired.”

Noa tried to tune Danny and Jesse out but it was hard. He gave up on his breathing, opening his eyes. He stared down the road, letting his gaze settle on the distant mirage created by the heat, the long, straight road ahead flickering with an illusion of water.

Noa let his gaze go unfocused, trying to disconnect. He didn’t want to be here right now. He tried to let himself exist, float, distance himself.

But his mind was still active and buzzing. His thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone.

“If you do something bad, does that make you a bad person?” Noa felt himself ask.

He knew he was a bad person. Noa didn’t think it was something he had done but more what he kept on doing. There was no way he could be good.

But what about Rion? He was good. Even if he’d done something wrong, even if it made everyone mad…

“That’s… That’s a really tough question,” Danny said. “It…uh…sounds kinda philosophical to me.”

“That is tough,” Jesse agreed. “I think that you could do something bad and still be good. It should depend on what you did and why you did it and if you planned to do more bad things… Why are you asking?”

Noa couldn’t answer. He couldn’t explain. But Jesse’s words did make him feel a bit better.

“Noa… Is it hard because of what day it is?” Danny asked after Noa didn’t say anything.

Of course. That went without question. It was the anniversary of the worst day of his life.

“It’s okay to be sad,” Jesse added. “I’m sad too. It’s…it’s really hard to lose someone that you love.”

It wasn’t just sadness. It was so much more than that.

Thinking about it made Noa’s right hand tingle unpleasantly, his palm and the underside of his fingers, where his old burn scars were. He flexed his hand, wanting to be rid of the sensation.

“Noa,” Danny said.

He walked around to face Noa, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eye. He blocked Noa’s view of the road and its distant mirage.

“I know you can hear us,” Danny said. “I know you’re listening. So please talk to us. We’re your friends. We want to help.”

Noa’s anger reared up sharply like a familiar, terrible monster.

Friends? His friends? Who was Danny to say that? Wasn’t Danny the one who left Misty Meadows right after Amber’s funeral? Danny who hadn’t called or written? How was Danny his friend? Because they played together as kids?

Noa kept his expression still and blank, but his voice dropped to something soft and low when he spoke.

“Where were you the last six years, Danny?”

Danny recoiled immediately as if stung. He let go of Noa, blinking rapidly, and Noa turned away from him.

“I… I was in the city…” Danny said. “We had to move. We had to… My parents… Don’t you remember? I mean, I… I tried to call and stuff but… I was busy with school and…”

Excuses. Only excuses.

Noa refused to look at or acknowledge Danny. Because he was so angry and bitter. He desperately wanted to lash out at something – anything. But he couldn’t.

Lashing out was wrong. It was bad. It was horrible. It would hurt someone. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t. Never.

Noa started walking back. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t walk forever down the shoulder of the road. Danny and Jesse continued to follow him. They were talking to each other in low voices, but Noa could still hear them.

“Did I screw up?” Danny asked. “Am I an asshole?”

“No,” Jesse reassured him. “No, you’re not. You couldn’t help that you had to move away.”

“But I could’ve worked harder at staying in touch…”

“Danny, you moved when you were thirteen. Keeping in contact, calling and writing – those are things that any thirteen-year-old would struggle to keep up with. And when you left, we had just lost Amber… There was a lot going on. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know. Maybe… I could’ve done more.”

“Listen, you’re here now and that’s what matters, right? Besides, communication is a two-way street. We didn’t hear from you, but did you hear from us? If you’re wrong for not staying in contact, then so are the rest of us.”

“I guess…”

Noa hadn’t realized how far he’d walked. He was starting to get closer to the cars now, but he felt exhausted. He could see Peter waiting for them, alongside Travis. Noa looked for the others and found them still in the graveyard. He could see his aunt and uncle heading back to the cars with Sarina and Celeste.

There was still one person left behind, a lone figure standing over Amber’s grave. A girl with long, dark brown hair, hands clasped behind her back–

Noa stopped abruptly, eyes growing wide before he shut them tight. Noa clenched his hands into fists, trying to take deep breaths but instead they came out shallow and rapid. His heart began pounding in his chest with a sharpness that physically hurt, the blood thundering in his ears.

No. No, no, no, no! This couldn’t be happening! Not here and now!

“Noa? Why’d you stop?”

“Are you okay? Hey–”

Danny and Jesse were talking to him. He couldn’t have responded even if he wanted to. He didn’t want to freak out here in front of everyone. He didn’t want them asking why. He couldn’t explain. He had to calm down and…

It was impossible. His heart was pounding so painfully hard in his chest and it was getting worse. He couldn’t breathe right. He couldn’t open his eyes or else he might see her again and he couldn’t…he couldn’t…

“Is everything okay?” Peter called out.

“I don’t know,” Jesse replied.

Noa flinched badly when a warm hand came down on his shoulder. He almost stumbled back but caught himself. It was probably Jesse or Danny.

It was them. It had to be them. It wasn’t her.

It wasn’t her. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t her.

“Noa, hey, whoa!” Peter called out, his footsteps loud as he jogged over. “What is it?”

Noa wanted to tell him to go away. He wanted to tell them all to go away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk opening his mouth and saying anything else. He couldn’t risk opening his eyes and seeing her again. He needed to calm down.

He was standing still but he felt dizzy. Noa wanted to cry. He was sick and unsteady, his chest too tight, his heart beating too hard and his lungs straining.

Calming down was impossible. Fear was ripping apart his senses.

“What’s going on?”

“Is Noa okay?”

“Hold on, hold on… Make sure he has space. Just give him a minute.”

“Noa,” Peter said. Noa felt a hand on his arm and he flinched again. “It’s okay. It’s just me. It’s Peter. Do you think you can open your eyes for a minute? We can walk to the car…”

Noa shook his head with all the force he could muster which, at the moment, wasn’t very much. It was a small, rapid shake of his head. But Peter understood. They had been through this before.

“Okay,” Peter said, hand still on Noa’s arm. He gave him a gentle squeeze. “Do you need to sit down?”

Probably but Noa didn’t want to do it here in the sun on the roadside with everyone watching. Instead, he stood there, eyes firmly shut, breathing hard and fast. He was shaking now too, trembling. He felt humiliated and terrified in the worst combination.

“How about I take you by the hand and guide you to the car,” Peter suggested. “Is that okay? We can go home.”

Yes… Yes, that sounded like a good idea. Noa didn’t want to be here like this at all. He gave a small nod.

“Okay,” Peter said, his palm sliding down Noa’s arm to take him by the hand. Noa had to unclench his fist and once their fingers were threaded together, he held on tight. “I’ve got you. I won’t let go until we get to the car. Okay? You’re doing great.”

“I think your dad is driving over,” Jesse said.

“Oh, good. That’ll be way easier,” Peter said. “Right, Noa? Dad’s going to bring the car around. You don’t even need to go anywhere. It’ll just be second.”

“We’re here too, Noa,” Danny added. “We care about you, you know?”

“It’s all right,” Jesse added. “You’re going to be okay.”

They were trying so hard to be supportive. Noa wished they would stop.

He wished the hand he was holding wasn’t Peter’s. He wished it was Rion. Rion would understand.

“Noa!”

That was his aunt. He heard her hurrying over.

“Is he okay?” she was asking Peter. “Is it another panic attack?”

“I don’t know. It could be,” Peter said, never letting go of Noa's hand. He lowered his voice. “Mom, we need to find something that helps him with this. The breathing exercises make it worse for him, so it’s…”

“I know,” Aunt Elaine said. “I know, Peter. I’ll talk to Dr. Maes on Monday.”

Noa could hear Sarina and Celeste coming over too. And it made him sick.

Everyone was running to him, rushing to him, wanting to help. They were worried about him. They wanted to make sure he was okay…

Noa was still struggling with his pounding heart and heavy breathing. He was afraid to open his eyes and see something horrible. His heart was beating so hard that it felt bruised. But everyone fussing over him made him sick to his stomach. He felt like he could puke or cry or both at the same time.

“Stop…stop it…” he panted out.

“What was that?” Peter said.

“Stop it…” Noa tried to say more firmly but it came out as a pathetic whimper. “Stop…stop worrying about me…stop it…please…”

If anyone said something in response, Noa didn’t hear it. Instead, he heard the crunch of tires as the car pulled up.

“I’ll get the door,” Danny said, and Noa heard it open a second later.

“Everything good?” Uncle Charlie asked.

“I think so,” Peter said, still holding onto Noa, still guiding him. “The door’s right here, Noa. You can get in.”

Noa reached out, finding the backseat of the car with a sweaty hand. He let go of Peter and threw himself onto the seat, curling on his side. He reached up for his hood, pulling it down over his eyes, curling in on himself further.

He needed to lie here and breathe and not open his eyes. He couldn’t open his eyes.

He didn’t want to see Amber again.

Chapter 4 – Rion

Sunday, September 5, 2004

On Sundays there was a nine o’clock mass and an eleven o’clock mass. Since most people went to church at eleven, Sarina and her friends included, Rion went at nine.

Rion’s mother had been Catholic. One of the few memories he had of her was when they went to church when he was little. After she passed away, she left him an old rosary that faintly smelled of roses. He’d spent countless hours rolling the beads between his fingers, trying to remember her face and the sound of her voice.

His dad didn’t seem to believe in much of anything and he hadn’t come to church in years. He used to take Rion after his mom died, up until Rion started to get older and went with his friends.

And now, Rion went to church alone.

He didn’t exactly enjoy going to church. He did it out of obligation and for his mother. He was sure she would have wanted him to go. But in all honesty, he had a lot of doubts. He questioned everything.

It was hard to understand how terrible things could happen to good people. If there was a God who could make things right, why would He allow suffering? There was random chance and free will, but…it was hard to understand and even harder to accept.

Still, Rion wanted to believe that when good people died, like Amber or his mom, that they went to Heaven. He wanted to believe that sins could be forgiven. Maybe that was naïve, but…

If he didn’t believe, Rion didn’t have anything to turn to. Religion gave him a small sliver of hope that not everything in the world was terrible, even if he had his doubts. And praying gave him someone to talk to. It made him feel like he wasn’t completely alone.

Rion usually sat at a pew in the back, away from everyone else. When he walked in that Sunday, he spotted Danny and his family picking out seats at the front of the church. And they spotted him too.

Danny immediately smiled and waved him over enthusiastically. Rion smiled and waved back, trying to pretend that he misinterpreted the gesture as a greeting. It didn’t work. Danny left his spot and walked over to Rion.

“Rion, come sit with us!” Danny said, keeping his voice low.

Not seeing a way out of a direct request, Rion gave in, saying, “Oh, sure. Okay.”

The hour passed both fast and slow in a strange combination. Rion felt like he was being watched, imagining the stares he was getting from sitting at the front. There was a prickling at the back of his neck. He could almost count the seconds that passed. But for every dragged out second, there was a brief glance from Danny or a smile from Mr. and Mrs. Fox that seemed to wipe out entire ten-minute chunks at a time.

It was nice to not be alone. It was nostalgic. He could remember coming to church when he was younger. He used to sit next to Noa and the Murphys before Amber died. More than once, he and Noa were scolded or shushed because they were talking too loudly.

Amber used to affectionately call Rion and Noa ‘Double Trouble’.

Noa hadn’t come to church since she died.

“Let’s hang out after church,” Danny whispered as things were wrapping up, just before announcements.

“Maybe,” Rion said before realizing what he was agreeing to. “I mean, it’s probably a bad idea.”

“I want to talk to you,” Danny said, pulling puppy dog eyes on him. “Please?”

“…Fine,” Rion relented. Refusing outright in church was just too awkward. It felt wrong. “Okay. We’ll hang out.”

After the closing hymn, they were free. Everyone began to leave and they followed the crowd out the door.

“Rion and I are going to hang out,” Danny told his parents. “I’ll be home later.”

“Don’t forget to finish unpacking your clothes when you get back,” Mrs. Fox said. “I’m not having one of my sons dress himself out of a garbage bag for weeks.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll see you later,” Danny said cheerfully. As they left, he turned to Rion. “Did you want to do coffee or something?”

Coffee… Rion didn’t want to go out anywhere in public where they could be seen together. He wanted to do as little damage to Danny’s image as he could. Anywhere public was off limits.

“That’s okay,” he said. “I don’t feel like going to the hotel or whatever.”

“Okay. Then where do you want to go? Or what do you want to do?” Danny asked.

Rion thought about it. “…Do you want to come over to my place?”

It was the most private location Rion could think of. They were safe to do whatever they wanted at Rion’s and no one would see them. Dad probably wouldn’t be home until Monday and there was still food and drinks. They’d grabbed groceries on Thursday. There was even some chips and pop.

Danny’s eyes lit up at the suggestion. “Sure! I’d love that!”

The walk to Rion’s place was short. Rion kept an eye out for anyone who might see them together. Of course, everyone would probably know that they hung out by tomorrow, because that’s how fast people talked around town. He still tried his best to preserve Danny’s reputation.

This would all come back to bite him after the weekend, Rion was sure. Sarina would most likely corner him at school again. Maybe he could try hiding in the bathroom…

No… No, Kyle or Eric would probably hunt him down. On their own, they were much worse than with Sarina.

They got to his place and Rion let them in. The house was big and there was even a curved staircase that led to the upstairs. Rion showed Danny into the living room on the left.

“Holy–! Is that an Xbox, a PS2, and a GameCube?!” Danny exclaimed. “And whooooa! Nice flatscreen TV! That’s so cool!”

Rion shrugged. “Yeah. It’s just me and my dad. He likes to get me games and stuff for birthdays or whatever.”

Danny grinned. “Do you have Halo?”

“Yeah, of course,” Rion said. He didn’t mention that it was far from his favourite game. He’d developed a serious, committed relationship with Animal Crossing. He played almost every day. “We can play some games if you want. Pretty sure I have chips too. Let me just check on flavours and dip and stuff.”

“You have everything! This is crazy!” Danny gushed. “What about your dad? Does he work today? When is he coming home?”

“Probably not until Monday,” Rion said. “Half his weekends are spent overnight in the city. I don’t know if he gets a hotel or if he works all day and night or whatever.”

Danny deflated. “Oh… Oh, that sucks, actually.”

Rion shrugged. “Not really. I’m used to it.”

“So…what do you do for supper normally?” Danny asked.

“I cook whatever I want,” Rion said. “It’s not that hard. I’ve got all of Mom’s old family cookbooks and Dad keeps the fridge stocked. If I’m lazy, I just have cheese and crackers or whatever.”

Danny was looking at him funny. Rion began to feel uncomfortable.

“What?” he asked.

“I’m going to ask Mom and Dad if we can have you over for supper some time,” Danny said.

“No, it’s fine. I’m good,” Rion said. “It’s better that people don’t see us together.”

Danny was frowning now. “Is it because of Sarina?”

Rion didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to explain himself.

“Sit down,” he said. “Turn on the TV or whatever. I’m going to get snacks.”

He left Danny there and went to see what they had for chips. There was plain, salt and vinegar, and BBQ, along with both dill dip and onion. Rion grabbed everything and put it down on the coffee table.

“Drinks?” he asked.

“Water’s good,” Danny said.

He had taken a seat, but he was looking uncomfortable now. Well, Rion couldn’t do anything about that. He got them water, setting down the drinks before sitting down on the couch too.

Then there was a long, uncomfortable silence.

“Um…” Danny finally said. “I’m really trying to understand what’s going on right now.”

“I’m an asshole and you’re hanging out with me,” Rion told him plainly. “But hey, free snacks and game time. So you’re not losing out.”

“That’s not… I’m not using you,” Danny said, finally sounding annoyed with him. “And I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

Rion laughed. “Really? After what I told you yesterday?”

“Yes,” Danny said. “I don’t think you’re an asshole. I just don’t.”

Rion realized he was serious and he could only sit there, confused. He didn’t get it. Why wasn’t Danny upset with him. He’d told him about the friendship bracelet.

Did Danny…not believe him?

“Did you want to see the bracelet?” Rion asked, wondering if he was asking for proof.

“No…” Danny said and then turned to him. “Wait. So, you didn’t throw it away?”

The question was like a gut punch. Rion couldn’t help but recoil and turn away.

“No, but I probably should have,” Rion said. “It’s pretty much just dead bits of string. It’s garbage now.”

“You must have been really upset…”

Rion tensed. He didn’t need to hear this. Should he just kick Danny out? He began to seriously consider it.

“I mean…” Danny continued, “I know it was really hard for you and Noa. You were both there when Amber died and it was really…it was really awful. You were both hurt and scared and… I’ve had nightmares about what you must have gone through, okay? I know I don’t get what it’s like, but… I’m not gonna blame you for being upset over something so messed up and horrible.”

Messed up and horrible… Ha. Danny didn’t even know what that meant.

Rion reached up and scrubbed his face with his hands, mostly rubbing at his cheeks. He tried to collect himself, but he felt uncomfortable. He was hot and nauseous and shaky.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Rion said. “I can’t. Not right now. I don’t want to think about it. It was six years ago and… I just can’t.”

“Is that why you didn’t come to visit Amber’s grave yesterday?” Danny asked.

There were too many reasons why Rion couldn’t go to Amber’s grave.

First, there was the fact that it was Amber’s grave. He couldn’t face her. He would never be able to face her. Not even her tombstone. The fact that her family was there yesterday would only have made it worse and on top of that… Sarina was bound to be there. She would’ve lost her shit if he showed up.

“I couldn’t go,” Rion said. “I can’t. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“I think I might. Kind of,” Danny said. “Noa was there, you know. I talked to him.”

Rion’s breath caught.

Noa. Danny talked to Noa.

“What…what did he say?” Rion asked, voice tight.

“He wanted to talk about you, actually,” Danny said. “Or…I think he did? He kind of… He started talking but then he…uh…he had this breakdown… A panic attack, I guess? He went for a walk and then he just stopped and closed his eyes and got all pale and started, like, hyperventilating. Um…funnily enough, his aunt and uncle invited me over for Tuesday. They want me to talk to him again.”

Rion felt miserable just hearing about it. Things were that hard on Noa… He shouldn’t have to feel that way. He shouldn’t be so broken. This was Rion’s fault. If only he wasn’t so stupid… Every time he tried to make things better, he ruined everything and made it so much worse.

He was a terrible person.

Rion scrubbed at his face again, but this time he was trying hard not to cry. He didn’t want to burst into tears in front of Danny. That would be humiliating. He winced as he brushed against his bruised eye.

“Rion? Are you okay?” Danny asked.

“No,” Rion admitted. “I’m not okay. I… Fuck.”

He couldn’t say anything to Danny. It would be so much easier if Danny was like everyone else and hated him. Why did this have to be so complicated?

“Listen, um… I’m no expert or anything,” Danny said, “but, like, you can still talk to me. You know? Maybe that would help.”

Rion laughed, the bitterness creeping into his voice. “No. No, it really wouldn’t.”

He sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, leaning back.

“Danny, I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” he said. “You’re a nice guy and all. But I really wish you would drop it and leave me alone. You’re going to end up in trouble.”

“But why?” Danny asked him. “We’re friends, aren’t we? I know I’m not Noa, but… We used to hang out. I really liked you guys. I just… I want to help.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do,” Rion told him. “Listen, I’m okay with the way things are. I know that… I get that you probably won’t believe me, but it’s true.”

“I’m just trying to understand,” Danny said. “I don’t get it. I don’t get what happened between you and anyone else. Even Peter is mad at you! He doesn’t get mad at anyone!”

Rion shook his head. “Maybe it’s justified, Danny. Did you ever think of that? Maybe they’re right–”

“An asshole wouldn’t have offered to help my family move into our new house,” Danny said, getting firm with Rion. “An asshole wouldn’t have invited me into his house and offered to feed me and let me use his stuff. You are not an asshole, okay?”

“Then I don’t know what else to tell you,” Rion said.

They were both quiet for a long time. Rion opened his mouth and closed it, rethinking all the things he could say. Part of him had so much to tell Danny. But he just couldn’t do it.

Maybe Noa had the right idea. Maybe he should just become mute, shut his mouth, and never talk again. It sounded like a decent solution.

“I still want to be friends,” Danny finally said. “Is that okay with you?”

Rion knew he should say no. He knew he should refuse. He should say something mean and chase Danny away and make him hate him.

But he just couldn’t do it.

“Yeah,” Rion said, half-involuntarily. But it was true. “It’s okay with me.”

“Okay,” Danny said and then reached for the plain chips and the dill dip. “Then we’re friends again. As your friend, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

Rion started to protest. “I can’t–”

“–right now,” Danny cut him off. “You can’t right now. And I get that. That’s okay. But when you’re ready, we’ll talk. Deal?”

Rion turned to look at him, blinking owlishly. Danny suddenly gave him a bright smile, popping open the bag of chips.

“For now, do you wanna play some games?” Danny said. “I’m up for something we can play together. You got Mario Kart?”

Rion just stared at him. His brain felt like it was still catching up. Danny offered his support but also gave him an out. He didn’t need anything from Rion right now, and that was…

That was such a relief.

“I…um…” Rion began, blinking rapidly, trying to compose himself. “I have… Yeah. I have Double Dash. I… Thanks, Danny.”

“No problem,” Danny said. “What’re friends for, right?”

Chapter 5 – Jesse

Monday, September 6, 2004

“Hey, Jesse!”

Jesse didn’t expect to see Danny walk into the gift shop, but he smiled at the sight of him.

“Hey, Danny,” he said. “Doing some shopping?”

“I came out here with my dad to check out the place we bought,” Danny said, glancing around the store as he walked over. “It’s the building down the street that used to be a bookstore when we were kids. It’s going to need some renos and updates.”

They were the only ones in the store right now. Mondays weren’t usually busy and today was a holiday. Jesse had just been stocking the shelves and making sure everything was priced.

“We have setup and lots of planning to get started on…” Danny continued. “Seems dead in here.”

“It’s Labour Day. Holidays are hit and miss,” Jesse said. “Now that it’s September and school is back in session, things have slowed down.”

“Been at this a while?”

“About a year. The owner really likes me because I always volunteer to cover when someone’s sick or we’re short. It’s not bad.”

“Fair,” Danny said. “I’m going to stick to helping my parents out. I have no clue what I want to do so I might as well give them a hand, right? Seems like a good idea. Everyone wins.”

“Yeah,” Jesse agreed. “I have no idea what I want to do. I’m saving money for school until I decide.”

The truth was that he had wanted to make plans with Amber. When she was still alive, they talked about getting married and starting their lives together. Amber had been Jesse’s childhood crush. When he decided to ask her out at fourteen, everyone teased him about it. But Amber said yes. She always took him seriously. They’d dated. They were so happy together.

Until the fire.

Until Amber died and everything was cut short.

“I think you have the right idea,” Danny said. “I have no clue what I’m doing. It takes time to figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you know?”

“I do,” Jesse said. “It can be tough.”

“Yeah…”

Danny turned to him, and Jesse could tell that he wanted to say something. For whatever reason, he was hesitating. In the silence, Jesse pulled a few things forward on the shelf in front of him, working while he waited for Danny to speak.

“I hung out with Rion the other day.”

“Yeah?” Jesse asked, trying to ignore the immediate uncomfortable flip his stomach did. “How did that go?”

“Really, really weird.”

“How so?”

Danny shifted. He silently studied one of the display racks.

“I don’t really know how to explain it exactly…” Danny said. “He was at church, you know? So, we invited him to sit with us because he was by himself and afterwards, I went to his place. It was like… Rion offered chips and everything, and… His dad wasn’t home. He was staying overnight in the city or whatever.”

“Definitely weird,” Jesse said, turning to him with a small frown. “Now that you mention it, I barely ever see his dad. I mean, he was always busy with stuff when we were kids…”

“His dad pretty much just buys him groceries and stuff. Rion cooks and cleans for himself,” Danny said. “He’s living there all on his own with his dad gone, like, all the time. It’s mega weird. And when I asked him about the whole friendship bracelet stuff he was all, ‘I’m an asshole’. But he’s saying this after offering me snacks, inviting me over, and helping my family move and stuff, and… None of it makes sense.”

“Maybe it’s his way of dealing with things,” Jesse suggested. “I mean, he was there when Amber… Just look at Noa. Rion sounds like he has a lot going on.”

“But then why is everyone so mad at him?” Danny asked. “I just… I don’t get it.”

Jesse sighed. “Listen, I get that you want to talk. But I am working. Can we pick this up later?”

“Oh…” Danny said, and he blushed. “Yeah. I mean… Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m done in like half an hour. We’re closing,” Jesse said. “Can we talk then?”

Danny perked up again. “Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Actually, um… Mind if I grab a water?”

“As long as you pay for it,” Jesse said, gesturing to the cooler at the back.

“Of course! I think I’ve got a toonie on me,” Danny said, searching his pockets.

Jesse rang him through for the bottled water. Danny went to wait outside while Jesse began to wrap things up. Since it was just Jesse and his manager, the store owner, it didn’t take them long to close the store.

Jesse met up with Danny outside. He was sitting on a beaten wooden bench next to a couple of pines, flipping around his now empty water bottle in the air to entertain himself. Jesse sat down next to him and Danny set the bottle down.

“Sorry to bother you while you’re working,” Danny said.

“It’s fine. No one was there anyway,” he said, breathing in the fresh air. “Is your dad still here?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “He’s busy. It’s going to take a while, you know? He’s checking out every angle of the building. That’s his thing. Said he didn’t need help.”

Danny was watching Jesse expectantly. He wanted to go back to their previous conversation. Jesse knew they had to talk about it, and he had a chance to reorganize his thoughts while closing up the gift shop. Still, he wanted to ease into it.

“Do you think you’ll be okay working out here?” Jesse asked.

“You’re working out here,” Danny pointed out. “If you can handle it, I think I can. Besides, we all have some great memories of hanging out here.”

That wasn’t why Jesse came here to work. It wasn’t the old, good memories that kept him here.

Some part of Jesse wanted to be as close to Amber as he could. She wasn’t here, not really, but she died here. He felt a connection to her out at the lake. He didn’t care that it was morbid or weird.

He didn’t explain his feelings to anyone. He didn’t feel obligated to. He wanted to be here and that was all that mattered.

“You can hardly tell there was a fire,” Jesse said. “They did a lot of development over the years. They planted a bunch of new trees and did landscaping. You almost can’t tell what happened.”

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “The Murphys’ old cabin is gone too, I hear. I guess they didn’t rebuild.”

“No, they sold the property. I don’t blame them.”

“Yeah… Yeah, it makes total sense.”

Jesse was silent for a moment and then he took a breath. “…Sarina found out about Rion’s friendship bracelet a week or two after you left.”

Danny shifted, looking at him. He was attentive but silent.

“She took it and showed us and said we all needed to talk to Rion about it,” Jesse continued. “The bracelet… It was cut up to bits. It was just a twisted knot of yellow and purple…couldn’t even recognize the pattern anymore…

“We got together and confronted Rion. It was… It was so frustrating. It was like he didn’t even care. He even said, ‘so what?’ after admitting to it. He was more upset that Sarina had gone through his room – even called her a bitch. I mean, that’s not a big deal now, but it was a big deal when he was a kid and none of us had ever heard him swear before.”

“She went through his room?” Danny asked with a frown.

“According to Sarina, she came over to his place to work on a school project,” Jesse said. “She said the bracelet was out in the open, sitting on the nightstand in his room.”

Danny was silent for a moment but then said, “Okay, well… Not to play the devil’s advocate or whatever, but…that sounds like a lie. This is Sarina we’re talking about. She went through my stuff more than once when we were kids. I always gave her a hard time about it.”

“I only know what she said,” Jesse told him. “It didn’t really matter at the time. We were already emotional and we… We got really upset. I can’t really remember what was said but I remember running off with Celeste.”

“Wait… All of you had a fight with Rion?” Danny said. “No, no… Back up. Who was all there?”

Jesse began to count off on his fingers. “It was me, Sarina, Peter, and Celeste. And Rion, of course.”

“So, all four of you ganged up on Rion?” Danny asked. “That’s kind of messed up.”

“We didn’t… No, we weren’t ganging up on him,” Jesse said. But now that Danny put it that way, he couldn’t help but wonder… “We were upset. We were trying to understand it. We went to talk to him. Or that was the plan, anyway. And Rion didn’t even care. He was so cold and callous and… It was like he was a completely different person.”

“Yeah, well, I’m in the same boat right now, trying to understand,” Danny said. “And I’m still not buying it. Rion won’t explain anything and he isn’t making sense. I told him that he could explain things to me when he’s ready and made sure he knew we were still friends.”

“Really?” Jesse said, cringing a bit. “You probably don’t want to hang out with him–”

“No, I do. I really do,” Danny said earnestly. “You didn’t see him. The guy looked like he was going to cry when I told him we were still friends. And when I mentioned Noa… You should have seen his face. I mean, look at the bigger picture, Jesse! Rion is living all alone, his dad is never home, and Sarina is running around giving him black eyes. I’m worried about him!”

Jesse felt guilty. Part of him didn’t want to consider it, but at the same time he couldn’t deny that Danny was making a lot of sense. Rion was isolated and dealing with…well…a lot.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” he said.

“I don’t think you should be saying that to me,” Danny told him. “I think you should be saying it to Rion. Like, at least tell me that you don’t think Sarina should be beating on him.”

“Well, yeah,” Jesse admitted reluctantly. “I don’t think she should be… To be clear, I’ve never actually seen her hurt him. People say he picks fights with her.”

“So?” Danny said. He was frowning at Jesse. “You’re saying that makes it okay?”

“I’m saying… I’m saying that I’ve only heard rumours and I’ve never seen anything happen,” Jesse said. “I can understand Sarina’s perspective, but she shouldn’t be hurting Rion. And Rion shouldn’t be picking fights. I’ve been trying to stay out of it.”

“What Rion did to his bracelet is upsetting,” Danny said slowly, watching him. “But it’s his bracelet. He can wreck it if he wants to, even if it hurts the rest of us. And picking fights… That’s no excuse to give Rion a black eye. I don’t care that Sarina’s a girl. That’s really wrong.”

Hearing it put into words made a painful lump form in Jesse’s throat. It made it hard to swallow.

“I don’t know if… I mean, is it really that bad?” Jesse asked. “This has been going on since… Rion doesn’t seem bothered by it.”

“If he’s having a hard time, do you really think he’s going to go talk to people that seem to hate him?” Danny asked. “I mean, come on, Jesse. Ever heard of a tough front? He used to have Noa to confide in but Noa is basically a wreck. Rion has absolutely no one. I’m one hundred percent convinced that he’s putting on an act and meanwhile he’s one bad day away from a breakdown.”

Jesse chewed on the inside of his lip. Danny was making a lot of sense, even though it hurt to hear.

Maybe he was right?

Jesse wondered if he’d just gotten used to things, if he’d spent the last six years turning a blind eye to something terrible. And it made him feel awful. He didn’t want to be that person.

“I mean, when you say it… Yeah, it makes a lot of sense,” Jesse was forced to admit.

“Yeah, it does. Because that’s what I’m seeing,” Danny said. “Maybe it’s because I was gone for so long and I’m coming at it with a fresh set of eyes. I don’t know. But I see all of this and I just feel… Like, can you imagine what Amber would think of all this?”

The words were a knife to Jesse’s heart.

Amber would have hated this. She would have been so against all of them fighting. Amber would have asked questions, like Danny. She would have wanted to understand. She would have tried hard to figure it out, she would have broken up fights… She would have done everything she could because Rion wasn’t just a friend, he was Noa’s best friend.

Jesse should have been doing that. He should have been looking into it. He should have done more…

But Rion was just so cold.

“…You remember when you asked me if you were an asshole the other day?” Jesse found himself saying. “Because you lost contact with the rest of us?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you’re definitely not an asshole. That might be me.”

Danny gave an overly dramatic roll of his eyes. “Jess, you are not an asshole, okay? Definitely not.”

“You’re right about Amber,” Jesse said. “And I’m kind of ashamed that I never thought about it like that. You’re right. It’s just… I’m really struggling to understand Rion’s perspective. I don’t get why he did what he did… Is it wrong that it still upsets me?”

“You think I’m not upset about it?” Danny said. “Those friendship bracelets were personal gifts from Amber. Of course, I’m upset. Of course, it bothers me. But I want to understand. That’s why I need to talk to Rion. Beating on him and chasing him away… That’s not going to help anything.”

“Yeah… God, I feel so stupid. Yeah, you’re right,” Jesse said.

They lapsed into silence. Jesse felt miserable. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen this sooner. Having Danny put it into perspective… It made him feel awful.

Even if he hadn’t seen Sarina do anything to Rion, there was no denying that Rion was completely alone and had no one to turn to.

“Why don’t you start from scratch,” Danny suggested.

“How so?” Jesse asked.

“Go say sorry to Rion,” Danny told him, “and then let’s work at it from there. Together. Yeah, I know, Rion and Sarina are still in high school, but the rest of us aren’t dumb kids anymore. We’re adults. Young adults, but still… We have to be at least a little responsible from here on out.”

Jesse gave him an awkward half-smile. “I can try but it’s going to be hard. I don’t know where to start or what to do.”

“Never said it would be easy,” Danny said, “but you wouldn’t be alone. I’m doing this no matter what. If we work with Rion, maybe we’ll get some answers and figure it out.”

“Okay,” Jesse said. “I can try.”

Danny nodded and then hesitated. “Just…uh…maybe don’t challenge him in Mario Kart.”

Jesse blinked. “Mario Kart? You played Mario Kart with Rion?”

“Yeah, and he seriously kicked my ass,” Danny said. “I have five brothers and I learned every gaming trick there is to beat them. But Rion…he’s scary good.”

Jesse almost wanted to laugh but he wasn’t quite up to it yet.

Chapter 6 – Noa

Monday, September 6, 2004

Aunt Elaine wanted to have a few words with Noa’s psychiatrist when they went to see her on Monday. She went into the office first and left him to sit and wait outside.

Doctor Laura Maes was the latest in a series of therapists that Noa had seen since he’d moved in with the Murphys. So far, he liked her. She had moved to Misty Meadows last year which meant that Noa didn’t have to drive into the city for his appointments. She’d also been recommended by his previous therapist.

Dr. Maes let him draw and play games and didn’t pressure him. So far, she wasn't like some of the therapists who tried everything they could to engage him and get him to talk. It would get too uncomfortable for Noa, to the point where he would refuse to go to his sessions or to participate in any way. Inevitably, the Murphys would end up finding someone else.

Noa barely spoke to anyone, making himself difficult to work with him. Some of his previous therapists had attempted to explain his limited communication. The term ‘selective mutism’ had been thrown around a few times. But not by Dr. Maes. Rather than using a term and struggling with exercises and conversation that went nowhere, she had been adamant with his aunt and uncle that it wasn’t that Noa didn’t feel unable to talk. He was refusing to.

And she was right.

Noa could talk, he just didn’t want to. Talking was always a risk. Saying one thing led to another question or a conclusion being drawn. It was a mistake. It was dangerous. It was better for him to keep his mouth shut and stay in his own bubble, letting the rest of the world pass him by.

While Aunt Elaine spoke with Dr. Maes, Noa was stuck waiting. He had his backpack in his lap, everything he needed inside: his sketchbooks, pencils and pens, MP3 player, headphones, and his Game Boy Advance, along with a few games. He didn’t pull anything out yet. He didn’t want to get interrupted since his wait was probably a short one.

And as expected, his aunt soon came out of the office. She was puffy eyed, a sign that she’d shed a few tears.

“Hey, you can see Dr. Maes now,” his aunt said while he got out of his seat. “I just needed to tell her a couple things. Um… I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

Noa nodded.

Aunt Elaine gave him a wavering smile and leaned forward to give him a peck on the forehead.

“I love you,” she said.

Noa nodded again. His chest was tight, and it was suddenly difficult to swallow. Aunt Elaine’s affection was uncomfortable and unwanted. He turned and headed into the office.

Dr. Maes’ office was cozy. It was professional, the desk and chairs all made of dark wood, a few bookshelves lining the walls, some comfy chairs and a sofa taking up one side of the room. But it wasn’t too stiff or formal. There were some toys and things, nothing too kiddish since Dr. Maes usually saw teenagers, but she did have a few action figures and dolls and even an easel.

Noa was interested in the easel. He didn’t need it since he had his sketchbooks, but he wanted to feel the texture of the paper under his hands or one of his pencils. Depending on the paper, he might even be able to paint. He liked painting.

Turning away from the easel, he picked a seat on the sofa. It was comfy and there was a coffee table there so he could put his things down if he wanted. He sat in the corner, knowing Dr. Maes would join him. And she did.

Doctor Laura Maes was a woman in her thirties with red hair and, as usual, she had a pleasant smile on her face. It wasn’t fake and that mattered to Noa. She was always friendly without being too friendly. She had a talent for putting him at ease.

Dr. Maes usually talked to him and while Noa did his own thing, occasionally nodding or shaking his head in response to her. When she ran out of things to say, they would lapse into a comfortable silence. They had only a dozen sessions so Noa knew it wouldn’t last. It was about time for her to start getting pushy and considering what happened on the weekend, she was most likely about to.

“Hi, Noa,” she said. “How are you doing today?”

Noa shrugged, fiddling with the straps on his backpack. He wanted to pull out a sketchbook but he hesitated.

He was sure that Aunt Elaine told Dr. Maes about what happened on Saturday, of his breakdown at the graveyard. He expected to have to address it somehow, even if he had to totally shut down.

He didn’t want to talk about it or even think about it. If he did, he might see Amber again. Having that happen in front of his psychiatrist would be a nightmare.

“That’s good,” Dr. Maes said. “I’ve been having a good day so far myself.”

Noa continued to fiddle with his bag while Dr. Maes gave him an opening to speak up. He didn’t say anything so she continued.

“So,” she said, “your aunt told me some interesting things happened on Saturday. Did you want to talk about it?”

Noa shook his head.

He was right after all. It wasn’t a surprise. Aunt Elaine had probably told Dr. Maes everything. He didn’t want to talk about his freak out at all. Not even a little. His lips were sealed.

“Are you sure?” Dr. Maes said. “Even after something really exciting happened?”

Exciting?

Noa looked at her with a small frown, tilting his head. He didn’t remember anything exciting happening. It was all bad, wasn’t it? Saturday was a bad day.

Dr. Maes read his confused expression and elaborated, “You don’t remember? You talked to your friends.”

Oh.

Oh!

Noa could understand why everyone else might think that was exciting but it wasn’t anything special to him. He needed to speak. He had to ask about Rion. He had to ask about the bracelet. The rest didn’t matter. He was forced to talk and ended up regretting it.

Noa gave a small shrug, going back to fiddling with his bag again, opening and closing the clasp on the front.

“I heard that you talked to one of your old friends, Danny Fox, along with Travis and Jesse,” Dr. Maes said. “Your aunt said Danny just moved back to town. Isn’t that good news?”

Noa shrugged again. He didn’t care. Danny had been gone so long that it didn’t matter. Danny had always been more Sarina’s friend anyway, and Noa thought Sarina was annoying. She wasn’t so bad now that they were older, but she used to try and butt in with him and Rion all the time. She got in the way, she was nosy, and she always asked him to draw her stuff.

Danny wasn’t so bad. He’d always been nice. Rion liked him. But after Amber died, Danny left them. He abandoned them. Noa couldn’t bring himself to be excited that he finally came back.

“No? You don’t care?” Dr. Maes said, studying him. “Then what about the conversation you had? I heard that you talked about your old best friend, Rion.”

Noa’s mouth betrayed him immediately.

“My best friend,” he corrected her.

“Yes?” Dr. Maes said.

He realized he would have to explain and he hated it. Noa pressed his lips together in a thin, unhappy line.

“He’s not my old best friend. Rion is my best friend,” Noa said. “That hasn’t changed.”

If Dr. Maes was excited to hear him talking, she didn’t show it. She watched and listened to him like this was a completely normal session.

“Why do you say that?” Dr. Maes asked. “Your aunt tells me that you haven’t seen each other in years.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Noa said, sure of himself. “We’re best friends. We’ll always be best friends.”

Noa knew it was true because he could trust Rion completely. Rion would do anything for him, and Noa would do anything for Rion. They’d been through things that no one else would ever understand. Their relationship was special.

“Do you want to spend time with him?” Dr. Maes asked.

Noa hesitated. The answer was easy. Of course Noa wanted to spend time with Rion. But after all these years, he didn’t know how Rion felt. Maybe he was happier with how things were. Maybe things were going well for him. He should be graduating when the school year was over. Noa hoped that he was doing okay. He wanted him to be happy.

Noa missed Rion. He missed him more than anyone. He missed him more than Amber.

“I don’t want to talk,” Noa said, trying to dodge the question and make his feelings clear.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Dr. Maes said. “We’re talking now, aren’t we? And it was because you talked to Danny about Rion. I want to help you and I can do more if you talk to me. You’re not happy with the way things are, are you?”

No, he wasn’t happy. His grip on his bag tightened.

Noa didn’t know how to fix anything. Maybe nothing could ever be fixed.

He was a burden.

He was in the way and messed everything up for everyone.

Noa had stopped going to school after Amber died and the Murphys had done their best to homeschool him. He saw how it affected his aunt, uncle, and cousin. He hated the way things were and he didn’t think any amount of therapy could make things better for anyone.

Noa hated himself.

He could barely tolerate himself on his best days. It was easy to see every one of his mistakes, every ugly part of himself. There was something wrong with him. He was sick. He was disgusting. And worst of all, he seemed to be the only one who could see it.

Everyone was so nice to him; everyone was so supportive. And it was awful.

“If you don’t talk to anyone, no one knows what’s going on with you,” Dr. Maes said. “If you talk to me or even just one person that you really trust, that can make a big difference.”

Noa had heard this kind of thing before from his other therapists. He didn’t like it. It meant they were prying, trying to figure him out. He didn’t want that.

“Talking is dangerous,” Noa said.

“Why do you think that?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Because it’s true,” Noa said.

“What do you think would happen if you started talking to people?” Dr. Maes said. “What’s the worst thing you can imagine?”

Noa shook his head. He didn’t want to go there. He didn’t want to think about it. No.

“You know that anything we talk about stays between us, right?” Dr. Maes said. “I won’t tell your aunt or your uncle or anyone. Whatever you say to me is our secret.”

Noa gave her a stiff nod. He knew that. He just didn’t want to get comfortable talking to anyone. It might make him open up to other people and then there would be trouble. He couldn’t do it.

Talking was a mistake. It was bad.

“Okay, I just want to make sure that’s clear,” Dr. Maes said. “You can tell me anything. It’s safe.”

It wasn’t but Noa knew better than to say that.

He didn’t want to get stuck in this loop. He had to do something to break out of this, to get away.

People liked it when he talked, especially therapists. Dr. Maes was trying to get him to talk right now. And as dangerous as talking was, it still had its uses and advantages. Especially as a distraction.

“I’m scared of a lot of different things,” Noa said.

He waited, expecting Dr. Maes to jump in with a different question. Something like ‘What are you scared of?’ But she didn’t. She sat, still attentive but quiet. Maybe he needed to say more?

“I’m scared of lightning. And fire. And water,” he added.

Dr. Maes still didn’t say anything when he paused. Why wasn’t she talking? Wasn’t that her job? Shouldn’t she be trying to get him to elaborate? He was telling her things. He was ‘opening up’ about something really uncomfortable. She should be latching onto this, right?

He didn’t really want to talk about his fears or why things scared him. He wondered if he should try to say something else. What could he talk about? Was it too soon to change the subject again?

Should he try shocking her? It would be easy to tell her something horrible. But she was a psychiatrist. Maybe she could tell the difference between someone trying to shock her and someone wanting to talk something through. But then…did she see through him right now?

He needed to give her something concrete, something relevant. He’d cornered himself already and he felt stupid, trapping himself with his own words when he knew better. He should shut up.

“...I’m scared of drowning,” Noa said, swallowing hard.

He was bound to regret this, but it was the only way he could think to avoid inevitably talking about Amber. His fears were real. They were tied to real experiences. It was the sort of thing a therapist should want to hear about.

Noa had talked about it in therapy before. It wasn’t anything new. All he had to do was say the same things over again. And stop once he’d had enough.

But the words burned. They were poison.

“You know what happened, right?” Noa asked, wondering if he needed to elaborate. “With my parents?”

“Is this something you’re ready to talk about with me, Noa?” Dr. Maes asked. “It’s an intense subject and you don’t look comfortable.”

She was still attentive and she wasn’t calling him out, but Noa felt like she was onto him. Or was he feeling guilty about trying to divert her attention? He didn’t know.

“I’m supposed to talk, right?” Noa said. “That’s why I’m here. I’m messed up, aren’t I? And everyone thinks it’s because of Amber. But shouldn’t we talk about my parents? Because that was…that was really…that was bad, and…and no one ever talks about it anymore.”

He felt disgusting. Noa had no idea what he was doing. He was talking about the second worst experience of his life as an excuse to avoid the worst.

He shouldn’t be talking at all. What was he thinking? Every time he opened his mouth, he sounded like an idiot. Because he was an idiot.

Noa couldn’t get anything right.

“No one talks about your parents?” Dr. Maes asked. “Never?”

Noa opened his mouth, closed it, tried to think of what he wanted to say so that he didn’t spew out words like he just did.

“People talk,” he admitted. “Behind my back. In whispers.”

Even the Murphys did it. They talked about it like it was a tragedy, like it was some horrible past event. They never talked about it for long, just touched on it when it was relevant and then dropped it.

People around town weren’t so nice. Gossip ranged from Noa’s father being Japanese as the root cause, to rumours that Noa’s dad was an alcoholic or a drug addict. They made him out to be an obvious psycho, the kind of evil you could spot from a mile away.

And for every word said against Noa’s father, they had something kind to say about Noa’s mother. They talked about how sad her death was, how awful it was that she was killed, and ‘poor Noa’.

But it wasn’t like his mother was some great person or a tragic victim. No one knew what she was really like. The only person who knew her like Noa did was his Aunt Elaine. And she didn’t talk about her sister often, if at all.

Noa was young when he still lived with his parents, but he couldn’t remember seeing his father drunk or doing drugs. That was a lie. Their house had been clean, proper, and orderly. His father had always been put together, professional. He’d been a sharp businessman. His mother had been pretty, fashionable, and was always in control. They were a picture-perfect family. There was nothing obvious about the turmoil that hid behind closed doors.

He’d been told that his fuzzy memory had to do with repressed memories and trauma. Over and over and over again, that’s what they told him.

What Noa did remember were his parents’ fights, how they would get physical, hit each other, break things, and scream. He remembered his punishments and how he would fail again and again and again at doing anything right.

But it was a long time ago. At this point, all his childhood memories were fuzzy. It was an uncomfortable blur of painful memories.

“Would you rather people to talk to you personally about your parents?” Dr. Maes asked, “as opposed to whispering behind your back?”

“Maybe,” he said.

“Is there anything you would want to say to them about your parents?” Dr. Maes said.

Noa hesitated. There were things he wanted to say. He had fantasies about telling people off, making them understand that they didn’t know what they were talking about. But to confront people about it in real life? No. There was no point.

Noa shook his head.

“Are you sure?” Dr. Maes asked. “There’s nothing you would want to say? This seems like something that bothers you.”

Noa shrugged. He was already wishing he’d never opened his mouth. He hated this. He wanted to leave.

“I’m a little curious… What brought this on?” Dr. Maes said. “You’re very quiet, Noa. It’s surprising that you would want to talk about your parents.”

“You said I could tell you anything,” Noa replied.

“I did. And I meant it,” she said. “I’m really happy that you’re opening up to me. We can talk about your parents as much as you want.”

Noa didn’t want to talk about them, but he wanted to talk about Amber even less. He tried to select his next words carefully. He couldn’t think of any way to respond without saying something he would regret.

Noa felt cornered.

“I don’t like talking because I always say the wrong thing. And I hate it,” he finally admitted.

“I think you’re doing really good,” Dr. Maes said. “What makes you think you say the wrong things?”

“I just do,” Noa said.

He hugged his bag to himself, curling inwards. He wanted this to be over. He felt sick. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“I think you’re doing really great,” Dr. Maes said. “You’ve done a whole bunch of talking and that’s a big deal. You haven’t said anything stupid so far.”

Noa shook his head. She was wrong. He was getting confused and making things worse. He should stop and shut down and not say anything else.

“Okay…” Dr. Maes said. “Well, how about this. Your aunt also said you had a panic attack on Saturday. Did you want to talk about that?”

Noa shook his head even more adamantly.

“What if we don’t talk about your panic attack, but instead we talk about some strategies to deal with them. I understand that breathing techniques don’t calm you down…”

Noa blinked. Strategies for panic attacks that weren’t stupid breathing techniques that made him gag?

“Strategies…?” he repeated.

“Yes,” she said, flashing him a smile.

She got up and went to her desk, coming back with some photocopied sheets of paper. She handed them over to Noa and he skimmed them.

“I was hoping that if you were feeling up to it, we could go over those together,” she said. “We can try them out and you can get a bit of practice. How does that sound?”

Good. It sounded good. This was something safe, something helpful. Noa studied the pages, turning them over in his hands. There wasn’t a lot to go over but there wasn’t a single breathing technique on the list. That was a relief. Nothing seemed hard to do either.

“Okay,” Noa said, much more comfortable at the idea of doing something that would help him. “Thank you.”

Chapter 7 – Rion

Monday, July 7, 1997

“Hey!” Amber called out cheerfully, clapping her hands to get everyone’s attention. “Everyone come here for a second!”

Rion half turned with a wide smile but at the same time, Noa tried to spring past him. They knocked into each other and ended up sprawled in the sand.

“Noa!” Rion giggled. “Argh! Whyyy?”

Noa let out a laugh of his own. His laugh was different from the everyone else’s, soft and quiet like he was trying to hold it in. It always made Rion feel like he and Noa were sharing some private joke.

Noa raised his head, hair a mess and covered in sand, dark eyes lit with mischief.

“Sorry,” Noa said, not sounding sorry at all.

“You will be when I’m done burying you!” Rion said playfully, kicking sand up over Noa’s legs.

That had Noa giggling harder, rolling away onto his stomach so that he could scramble to his feet. Rion did the same.

“Trouble One and Trouble Two!” Amber called out. “Come on!”

He was reminded that they were supposed to join the others. Rion and Noa, both covered in sand, came sprinting over to their little spread of beach towels.

The grown-ups were off to the side nearby, sunning themselves, sharing drinks and conversation. They had put all their things next to the adults so they wouldn’t have to keep an eye on their stuff while they were swimming in the lake or playing on the beach. Everyone was having fun doing their own thing.

Rion had seen Travis earlier with his own older friends, talking about having a fire later that evening. He barely hung around with the rest of them, only coming back to check on Sarina now and again.

Jesse stuck to Amber’s side all day. Rion thought he was being clingy, but Amber didn’t seem to care. Rion had seen them holding hands, stealing little kisses on the cheek when they thought no one was looking. Rion hadn’t told anyone except Noa who fake-gagged and called it gross.

Peter was there too. He, like Rion and Noa, hadn’t been swimming. Technically he could swim, but he was busy reading a book, sitting in the shade of a beach umbrella. It was a thick book that looked boring to Rion, but Peter got annoyed whenever anyone interrupted him.

Celeste had been keeping the peace all day between Danny and Sarina. The three of them had been swimming for half the day, along with Celeste’s brother and sister, Claude and Sophie. It was Danny’s birthday which, for some reason, had Danny and Sarina competing over everything. Danny’s brothers had even come over to interrupt a few times, distracting them from whatever competition was getting too intense.

Rion had been spending all his time with Noa. And he couldn’t be happier.

Noa was afraid of any water he could drown in, and Rion understood. He wasn’t a fan of water either. Neither of them knew how to swim and no matter how many people told them they should take lessons or try wading in the lake, they both refused.

Rion was happy to have a friend so much like him. He could trust Noa with anything. They were best friends and Noa understood him. Sometimes it even felt like they were reading each other’s minds. He’d never been so close to anyone ever.

“Okay, okay,” Amber said, once they were all gathered. “I know we’re all really busy and having a lot of fun. And it’s Danny’s birthday.”

“Yeah!” Danny cheered, throwing his arms into the air. “Best birthday!”

Amber snorted a laugh as everyone wished Danny happy birthday. “Yes, Danny. Happy birthday! But I wanted to say that I have some non-birthday presents. For everyone.”

“Presents?” Sarina said, her eyes lighting up.

“Cool!” Danny added. “What is it? What did you get? Is mine extra special?”

“It wasn’t something I got; it was something that I made. Each one is extra special,” Amber said with a grin, lifting her beach bag. “Actually, Celeste and Sarina gave me a hand with these. So, thank you guys! You’re so amazing!”

“Oh! Those! Right!” Sarina said in sudden understanding.

“What?” Danny asked. “What is it? What did you guys make?”

“You’re about to find out,” Celeste said.

“Since Danny’s so eager and he’s the birthday boy…” Amber said, reaching into the bag, “…I’ll give him his first. Here it is!”

She pulled out a small bracelet of colourful woven string. She held it out and Danny took it.

“A friendship bracelet?” he said and grinned. “Cool! You guys made these?”

“I want mine!” Sarina said. “Me next!”

Amber handed Sarina hers. It was a colourful mix of pink and purple with a flower pattern.

“There you go,” Amber said cheerfully. “And Celeste, you’re next!”

“Thank you!” Celeste said, happy to take hers. It was yellow, pink, and mint green.

“Peter, better take your bracelet!” Amber called out.

“In a minute,” Peter said, nose still in his book.

“We’re supposed to be having fun and enjoying the holidays,” Amber said in exasperation. She tossed his red and black bracelet into the pages of his book. Peter jumped and squawked in protest. “Isn’t that one of Uncle John’s old textbooks? Did you seriously borrow that?”

“It’s interesting,” Peter grumbled, moving his bracelet and smoothing out the pages of the book, even though they weren’t damaged. “Reading is fun. I’m having a good time. Leave me alone.”

Amber rolled her eyes, but she was smiling as she turned to Rion and Noa. “Okay, well, here we go. Double Trouble time.”

Rion and Noa’s bracelets were done in a matching pattern with purple and yellow thread. The only difference was that the colours were reversed. Rion was happy to accept his, holding it out to compare it to Noa’s right away.

“We match!” he said.

Rion grinned at Noa but then hesitated, his smile slipping. Noa was holding his bracelet, staring at it. He looked like he’d just been given something invaluable by the way he held it gently in his hands. He was tearing up.

“Noa…?” Rion said, wondering if he should even say anything.

Noa quickly closed his hands around the bracelet. He held it to his chest, like it was something precious, shutting his eyes tight for a second.

“Thank you, Amber,” Noa said, his voice wavering.

“Don’t mention it!” she said and if she noticed her cousin was getting emotional, she didn’t comment.

Instead, she turned to Jesse and handed him his bracelet. It was blue and green with threads of gold running through it.

“Thank you, Amber,” Jesse said with a big smile.

“No problem,” she said with a grin. She lowered her voice. “Just so you know, your bracelet isn’t a friendship bracelet.”

Jesse blinked. “It isn’t?”

Amber leaned in towards him, her voice dropping even more. Rion could still hear her though.

“It’s a promise bracelet, Jesse.”

Jesse blushed red up to his ears and Amber giggled. Rion rolled his eyes at how cheesy they were. He turned to Noa to see if he noticed but Noa was busy putting his bracelet on.

“Want me to–?” Rion began but was shoved to the side as Sarina unceremoniously plopped herself in front of them.

“Let me help you, Noa!” Sarina said, all smiles.

“I got it,” he said as he continued trying to tie his bracelet.

“Let me do it,” Sarina said, reaching over but Noa squirmed away from her.

“No!” Noa said.

Sarina pouted, puffing up her cheeks in annoyance. Rion let out a little laugh, fiddling with his own bracelet, feeling the weave of threads.

“Did you make our bracelets, Sarina?” Rion asked.

“No,” she said. “I did Danny’s, Celeste’s, and Travis’s…but Travis is dumb and said he didn’t want his.”

“Your guys’s match!” Danny said, flopping down in the sand with them. “That’s so awesome!”

“I wanted mine to match with Noa’s too,” Sarina said. “But I wanted pink and purple flowers and Amber said those wouldn’t work for Noa.”

“Why would you want to match?” Danny asked. “That doesn’t make sense. You’re not Noa’s best friend.”

“You’re dumb!” Sarina said to Danny.

She threw a handful of sand at him. Danny laughed, turning away, and holding up his hands in defense.

“Don’t be mean! It’s my birthday!”

“Did you get it?” Rion asked Noa.

Noa smiled and held out his wrist, the friendship bracelet securely tied on.

“Looks good!” Rion said, starting to fiddle with his. It was hard to tie one-handed. “I’m glad we match…”

Noa reached over and started to help him. Rion held out his wrist, letting Noa do it.

“Rion doesn’t need help,” Sarina said loudly.

“I want to do it,” Noa said. It took him seconds. “Is that okay, Rion?”

“Yeah,” Rion said with a smile, looking his bracelet over before glancing back up. “Hey, thanks again, Amber…”

But Amber was still talking to Jesse. They looked like they were off in their own world, giggling together about something.

“Groooss,” Noa said from next to him.

“Whatever,” Rion said with a shrug. “It’s the holidays. We’re supposed to have fun.”

“I think Jesse and Amber make a cute couple,” Sarina said. “Amber’s really lucky. I’d like a cool boyfriend like Jesse.”

“Wouldn’t it be weird if you started dating an older boy, though?” Danny asked. “Like, Jesse’s fourteen and you’re ten–”

“I don’t want to date an older boy!” Sarina said hotly. “I said a cool boy like Jesse. An older boy would be weird!”

“I think you’re out of luck then because none of the guys in your grade are cool or like Jesse,” Danny said. “I mean, look at Rion and Noa. They’re total nerds. No offense, guys–”

“I’d rather be a nerd than be cool,” Rion said.

“Yeah, me too,” Noa agreed. “None of the cool kids play video games.”

Sarina puffed in anger. She stood, kicking up sand.

“You’re stupid and you don’t know anything!” she snapped at Danny.

Sarina stomped off. She threw herself down next to Celeste and Peter, inserting herself into whatever conversation they were having.

“What’s wrong with her?” Danny asked, blinking at Rion and Noa.

“No idea,” Rion said. “Isn’t she always like that?”

“Nuh uh,” Danny said. “She’s cool when we hang out. She only gets mad about stuff when we’re all together. I don’t get it.”

“Girls are weird,” Noa said. “They don’t make sense.”

Danny laughed. “Maybe? I don’t know. I think Sarina’s kind of cool. She’s really brave. She can pick up spiders and grasshoppers with her bare hands!”

Danny shuddered.

“That’s not brave. Anyone can do that,” Noa said.

“Not me,” Danny groaned. “I can’t stand bugs.”

“They’re not so bad,” Rion said. “Maybe you just need to get used to them?”

“Never!” Danny said, shaking his head. “You can be friends with bugs, Rion, but not me. I can’t stand them.”

Rion gave Danny a pat on the arm. “It’s fine, Danny. You can count on the rest of us to take care of bugs for you, okay? Especially today.”

“Rion, you’re the best,” Danny said.

He cheered up instantly and pulled Rion into a hug. Laughing, Rion hugged him back. And then Noa joined in, hugging them both.

It only lasted a couple seconds. Noa pulled away almost as quickly as he jumped in. Noa wasn’t very physically affectionate; Rion had learned early on in their friendship. He didn’t seem to mind the Murphys or Rion, but he was much briefer with their other friends when it came to hugging or touching.

Sometimes, Noa would hold Rion’s hand and squeeze gently. Rion had always thought of it as a special sort of Noa hug.

“Hey, did you want to go on some trails later?” Danny said, flopping back in the sand. “My brothers are feeling up to it, but you should come too. It’ll be nice to walk in the shade after running around this hot beach.”

“Sure,” Rion said but Noa hesitated.

“Maybe… I can’t stay out too late,” Noa said.

“No, not late,” Danny said, sitting back up, hair askew and layered in sand now, since it was still wet from swimming in the lake. “No way would I do trails in the dark! There’s bears and coyotes out here! And all the mosquitoes… Urgh! We were going to go in an hour or so and come back before dark. Then when we come back, we’re doing supper, cake, and presents!”

“I’ll ask my aunt and uncle,” Noa said.

He got up and headed over to the adults. Danny and Rion watched him for a second before Danny leaned in towards Rion.

“So,” he said with a big smile. “How’s it coming along?”

“How’s what…? Oh. You mean the comic?” Rion said. “Noa said he was almost done the latest page.”

“No, no!” Danny laughed. “I mean your scrapbook. Can I see what you have for this summer?”

“Oh, sure. But it’s not very good,” Rion admitted, somewhat embarrassed. “Um… I don’t have a lot of pictures of everyone so it’s…it’s kind of hard.”

“Oh, we have lots of doubles,” Danny said. “I could ask my mom for some. We have shoeboxes full of ‘em. It’s no problem. I bet you could ask some of the others and get stuff from them too.”

“I… I don’t want to bother anyone,” Rion said, feeling more self-conscious about it by the second.

“Then don’t worry about it,” Danny said with a grin. “If you take care of bugs for me, I’ll ask for photos for your scrapbook. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

Warmth blossomed in Rion’s chest. He smiled and nodded.

“Yeah… Yeah, that would be awesome. Thank you, Danny,” he said.

“No problem. You can always count on me,” Danny said.

Noa came back to them, smiling.

“They said I can go,” Noa said. “I have to be back before six.”

“Perfect!” Danny said and turned to Rion. “You should ask your dad too, right?”

“Oh… Yeah, I should,” Rion said.

He was sure his dad would say yes but he turned and glanced his father’s way. He was sitting with Danny’s parents and they seemed to be having an enjoyable conversation. His dad was smiling which was rare these days. He only seemed to cheer up when they did outings like this.

“I’ll be right back,” Rion said, getting up.

“Want me to come with you?” Noa asked.

“No, no,” Rion said with a wave. “I can ask myself. Thanks, Noa.”

He headed off to the adults, sprinting through the sand, feeling good about things. This summer was turning out to be a good one.

Chapter 8 – Jesse

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

After his talk with Danny, Jesse hadn’t had a chance to do much. He’d gone home, spent his evening lost in thought, and gone to work again the next morning. He was still mulling things over, thinking about it through his shift that day.

Danny was right. There was something strange going on with Rion. He’d always been a well-mannered, sentimental kid. He kept to himself after his mother passed away. It wasn’t until Noa moved in with the Murphys that Rion made friends with him and came out of his shell.

Rion was a completely different person now. It wasn’t without cause, but it still didn’t make any sense when Jesse thought about it.

When Amber died, Noa and Rion were there. It had deeply affected them. Noa’s breakdown was completely understandable, no matter how sad and painful it was to see. But Rion had become cold and closed off. Jesse wasn’t sure he’d even seen him cry.

Then again, Jesse had been in agony. His memories of that year were overshadowed by the loss of Amber. He’d spiralled hard. It had been enough to make his parents get involved.

Therapy had kept him together. It got easier from there. Time helped dull the pain. Jesse found reasons to be happy again. He would have given anything to have Amber back, but he found ways to live with her absence.

None of that explained what happened to Rion.

Jesse was forced to set the thought aside as he pulled up in front of his house, parking in the driveway. He didn’t plan on going home though. His destination was the house next door – the Murphys'. He saw their house every day, but it had been years since he’d set foot inside.

He’d been asked to come over for supper today, along with Danny. Mrs. Murphy wanted them to speak with Noa again and see if they could get him talking. It worked once so the Murphys wanted to try again.

Danny was walking down the sidewalk as Jesse got out of the car. Danny waved and Jesse waved back.

“Hey!” Danny greeted him. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad,” Jesse replied, joining him. “How about you?”

“Kind of excited,” Danny said with a smile. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been over to visit the Murphys. Like, just for fun. I think the last time was a sleepover I had with Rion and Noa, and I was like…thirteen?”

“Might as well be a lifetime ago,” Jesse said as they headed up the walkway together.

“Tell me about it,” Danny said, grinning. “Did you ever sleep over?”

“What? With Amber? Are you crazy?” Jesse said, his eyebrows going up. “I don’t think her dad would’ve let that fly unless he spent the night sleeping between us. No way. He didn’t even like it when we hung out in Amber’s room. The door had to be open at all times.”

“Ah ha ha! I guess that’s a fair point!” Danny laughed. “I wasn’t thinking of it that way.”

Jesse forced out a breath, shaking his head. Of course Danny wouldn’t have thought about it like that. To him, Amber was a friend. To Jesse, she’d been a lot more than that. She’d been his everything. Her dad had been right to worry, too.

Jesse and Amber weren’t dumb enough to try anything with parents around. Or with anyone being around; small towns spread gossip like wildfire. Amber and Jesse had found ways around their parents and had stolen a lot more than innocent kisses. But their teenage secrets back then were still Jesse’s secrets now.

Danny rang the doorbell and they barely waited before Peter opened it. His hair was damp and he looked like he’d come out of the shower minutes ago. He gave them both a smile.

“Hey,” Peter said. “Nice to see you again. Fair warning – Noa’s in a mood.”

“A mood?” Danny said as they stepped inside. “And yeah, it’s really great to see you too.”

Abruptly, he pulled Peter into a hug. Peter let out a surprised laugh but hugged him back.

“You really haven’t changed,” Peter said as he pulled away and turned to Jesse. “It’s good to see you too.”

“Same here,” Jesse said, holding out a hand. Peter took it and they shook. “Do I smell spaghetti?”

“And garlic toast,” Peter said. “Mom could never forget Danny’s favourite. My parents are just in the kitchen, putting everything on the table. Noa’s in the living room. He’s been…uh…drawing all morning.”

“Oh, he still draws?” Danny said as he inhaled deeply. He was trying to downplay his interest in supper, but the smile on his face said it all. “Awesome! Noa used to be so good at art.”

“He still is. Really impressive, actually,” Peter said.

Peter hesitated. His brows knit and it looked like he wanted to say more. But Danny and Jesse had taken off their shoes and Danny went bounding off into the living room to see Noa.

“Is something wrong?” Jesse asked.

“I… Kind of,” Peter said. “Don’t worry about it. It’s ongoing stuff. Let’s catch up to Danny.”

The living room was how Jesse remembered it, though the TV had been updated since he’d last come to visit. The furniture was mostly the same, though the couch had been replaced. The family photos were still up on the wall, with some additions like Peter’s grad photo.

Jesse couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his chest, knowing that Amber would never have a grad picture to display. There were a couple of her up, one with the family and Noa and the other one from…was it their tenth-grade school pictures?

Jesse tore his eyes away and focused on Noa, who was sitting on the couch.

Noa’s legs were up and he had his sketchbook propped up on his knees. He was frowning and scribbling away, intense and focused.

“Hey, Noa!” Danny said. “Hi!”

Noa didn’t look up. If anything, he curled in further on his drawing.

“I think he’s busy…” Peter said, coming up behind them. “Noa doesn’t like being interrupted when he’s in the middle of a sketch.”

“Oh. Okay. That’s cool,” Danny said without missing a beat. “Oh man! It smells so good in here!”

The whole room smelled of spaghetti sauce and garlic toast. Jesse had to admit that it was mouth watering. Maybe he would have to ask for their recipe…

“We should go to the kitchen,” Peter said. “Mom and Dad are going to want to say hi.”

“Yeah,” Danny said, looking around. “Man, this brings me back, though. Feels like ages since I’ve been over.”

Noa stood abruptly and viciously tore out the page he’d been working on. Jesse and Danny both jumped, startled. Only Peter was unphased.

“Whoa, careful. You might tear your drawing…” Danny began but stopped when Noa fixed him with a hard stare, holding the paper out for him. “Uh…is that for me?”

Noa nodded.

“Oh! Thanks!” Danny said, a little bewildered as he accepted it, turning the page around while he was talking. “You didn’t have to– Oh, fuck!”

Danny floundered, flailing his arms and stumbling back, losing the paper in the process. Jesse lunged forward and managed to catch it.

On the page, rearing up threateningly, Noa had drawn a massive, angry tarantula. Even Jesse almost dropped the drawing himself, startled at the sight. The tarantula was detailed, life-like, and well shaded, poised to spring right off the sheet and scuttled around on hairy legs.

“Holy–! Argh! My heart!” Danny sputtered, trying to get himself together.

Peter leaned over to see what was on the paper and then winced.

“I told you he was in a mood,” he said.

“It’s…a pretty intense drawing,” Jesse said. He glanced up at Noa who was watching him with an unblinking stare. “This is really good, Noa. It’s…it’s impressive.”

Noa huffed and headed for the kitchen. Jesse stood there, staring after him.

Was Noa…trying to upset them?

“Why’d he have to draw nightmare fuel…” Danny moaned, shuddering.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked him.

“I’ll be fine,” Danny said. “Just had the pants scared off me. Holy crap.”

“His art is really good though,” Jesse said, glancing down. Now that the shock of it was wearing off, he could appreciate the sketch a lot more. “This… Yeah, it looks professional.”

“He draws every day,” Peter said. “When he’s in a mood like today, his art gets aggressive. I woke up with a picture of a snarling wolf tucked under my bedroom door this morning.”

“I’d like to see that,” Danny puffed out. “Not that spider one, though… Urgh… Literally felt my heart jump and bang around in my chest, man. I think it’s bruised.”

“Boys?” came Mrs. Murphy’s voice. She came and peeked into the living room from the kitchen. “Is everything okay?”

“Danny was just startled by Noa’s art,” Jesse said, raising the picture to show her.

“Oh, that… I’m so sorry, Danny,” she said. “Noa–”

“It’s fine!” Danny said quickly, his smile returning though it wavered. “I’m good. And it’s great to see you! Peter says you made spaghetti?”

They ended up making their way into the kitchen, which also served as the dining room. Noa had already taken his seat at the table. Everything was laid out, food ready and steaming. The Murphys all exchanged greetings with Danny and Jesse and then they sat down, saying grace before passing the food around.

“It’s too bad that Travis couldn’t make it,” Mr. Murphy said. “He said he had plans to job hunt today…”

“He’ll be sorry when he finds out what we had for supper,” Danny said, going for the garlic toast and wolfing down a slice.

“That’s right,” Jesse agreed. He hid a smile at Danny’s enthusiasm. “It was really nice of you to invite us over. Thanks again.”

“It’s fine,” Mrs. Murphy said, all smiles as she put some spaghetti on Noa’s plate. He hadn’t touched anything yet and he was currently giving the noodles a death stare. “Danny’s back in town and he used to come over all the time. You all used to be so close. It seemed like a good idea.”

“Well, I’m really happy to be invited!” Danny said, grabbing more garlic toast and eyeing the spaghetti despite his plate still being full. “It’s great to be back too! The city was fine, but it was a little overwhelming, you know? There’s so many people and you don’t even know your own neighbours.”

“Sounds perfect to me,” said Peter. “I’d like to move to the city eventually. Or a city.”

“Oh, yeah. You’re going to university now, right?” Danny asked. “How’s the drive there and back?”

Jesse couldn’t help but watch as Mrs. Murphy made sure to put a little of everything on Noa’s plate. He didn’t look like he wanted to touch any of it. He was glowering at the food.

“Not hungry?” Jesse asked him.

Noa’s gaze flicked up to him, then back down. He picked up his fork and then began to pick at what was on his plate, pushing it around. Jesse realized that Mrs. Murphy was keeping an eye on him too.

They kept chatting about this and that. Jesse couldn’t help but be aware of Noa.

Noa had always been quiet. Jesse remembered that even before Amber died, Noa had been closed off. He wasn’t very expressive, and he didn’t say much. Amber told Jesse that it probably had something to do with his parents and how he was brought up.

Everyone in town knew that story.

Still, it was hard to think of Noa being this closed off in his own house, barely eating anything, drawing pictures of spiders to scare Danny. When they were young and Jesse visited, Noa had been a lot more open and he’d wolf down every meal like it was his last. He could even remember one or two times when Noa had dragged him by the arm with an excited “Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!” to show him something he thought was cool.

The current Noa was just…sad.

“So,” Danny was saying, “I was thinking that it was kind of funny that you invited me over. Because just the other day Rion invited me over.”

“He did?” Peter said.

“Yeah, on Sunday. After church,” Danny told him. “I asked to hang out and he said we could go to his place. He had snacks and everything! Did you know he has, like, every console? Oh, you’d love it, Peter.”

Peter was subdued when talking about Rion, but he perked up at the mention of video games. Danny had Noa’s undivided attention too.

“Every console?” Peter said.

“Well, the only old ones I saw were the N64 and the PS1. But I think he’s got it all,” Danny said. “He has all the new stuff for sure – Xbox, PS2, and GameCube! He has a bunch of computer games too! He was showing me all this stuff. It was so cool! We had a great time! Went through, like, three bags of chips and a couple things of dip…”

Danny let out a slightly embarrassed laugh.

“I’m jealous,” Peter said, and it looked hard for him to admit. “We only have the GameCube.”

“Consoles are expensive. Same with the games,” Mr. Murphy told him. “If you want more than what we have, you’ll have to buy them yourself.”

“I know,” Peter groaned. “It’s just that different systems have different exclusives. And games are fun. Even Mom agrees. Right? I know you have an Animal Crossing addiction.”

“It’s a fun game,” Mrs. Murphy admitted with a smile. “I like collecting everything.”

“Rion’s really into Animal Crossing,” Danny said with a grin. “He’s got all this cool stuff in the game, like things I didn’t even know you could get.”

“How is Rion?”

The question came from Noa. Everyone turned to him. Jesse noticed how the Murphys all perked up at the sound of Noa’s voice, completely attentive.

“He’s…managing, I guess,” Danny began. “I want to say that he’s doing good, but… I’m not sure that’s true. I don’t think he’s hanging out with anyone and his dad isn’t around…”

Noa dropped his fork (with the mass of spaghetti he’d curled around the end) onto his plate and leaned forward.

“He’s all alone?” Noa asked.

“I think so,” Danny said. “He was at church by himself. He came to nine o’clock mass – the same as us. So I asked if we could hang out and he offered to have me over. He said his dad works a lot and…and I know he’s having problems with Sarina…”

“He goes to nine o’clock mass?” Noa asked, his expression intense.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Actually, I was going to have him over some time. Rion and I are friends, so I want to hang out with him more.”

Noa was silent, thoughtful. He picked up his fork again, giving his spaghetti knot a few more turns in place. His aunt and uncle exchanged a look.

“Do you want to see Rion too?” Jesse spoke up. “Maybe we could all hang out together?”

Noa frowned and after a long hesitation said, “He might not want to.”

“Why not?” Danny asked.

Noa was silent but Peter spoke up on his behalf.

“Because Rion hasn’t been here since the funeral,” he said. “No phone call, no nothing. He dropped Noa like a hot rock–”

“Peter!” his mother hissed.

“What? That’s what happened,” Peter said. “Why wouldn’t Noa have his doubts? I know I do. What kind of guy abandons his best friend when he needs him the most? It’s so…”

Peter didn’t seem to have the words for it. His expression was bitter, angry, frustrated.

Jesse understood. He remembered how cold Rion had been, how he had instantly changed. And it must have been hard for Peter who was living with Noa and saw him break down. It can’t have been easy. For Rion to cut off contact for so long…

“It’s okay,” Noa said.

“What?” Peter said, turning to Noa sharply, taken aback.

“It’s okay if he doesn’t like me anymore,” Noa said.

“Why?” Peter said. “You haven’t done anything. Rion’s the one–”

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Noa said, his voice raising sharply. His shoulders were tense, and he scrunched his eyes shut tight, clenching his hands into fists on the tabletop, knuckles quickly turning white. “Rion didn’t do anything wrong. Never. And if he did, I forgive him. So, it doesn’t matter.”

Peter opened his mouth, closed it, and deflated, turning back to his plate. Now he was the one frowning down at his spaghetti. The atmosphere at the table was heavy and awkward.

“Um…” Danny began, looking around for some way to salvage things.

“I have an idea,” Mrs. Murphy spoke up. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. “Noa…it’s your birthday on the ninth…”

Noa opened his eyes a crack, staring down at his plate. He let out a breath that could only be described as pained.

“I know you don’t like to celebrate it,” Mrs. Murphy was quick to say. “But why don’t we arrange a little get-together? We don’t have to call it a birthday party. We could invite Rion over and maybe Celeste and Sarina–”

“Not Sarina,” Peter said quickly. “You can’t invite her if you invite Rion. Things would get ugly.”

“Okay. Well, we could invite some of your old friends, Noa,” Mrs. Murphy tried again. “Danny and Jesse would come too, obviously. We don’t need to have presents or cake... You can just spend some time with them.”

“I’d be down,” Jesse said at once.

“Yeah, me too,” Danny was quick to add. “That sounds like a great idea.”

Noa’s lips were pressed into a thin line. Jesse didn’t think he’d accept–

“You’ll invite Rion?” Noa asked.

Mr. Murphy was the one to nod and say, “We’ll invite whoever you want.”

Noa turned to Danny. “You’re still friends with Rion?”

“Yeah,” Danny said, flashing him a bright smile. “I was just talking to Rion about it the other day. We’re totally friends.”

“Okay,” Noa said, looking back down at his plate. “But it’s not a birthday party.”

“Right,” Mrs. Murphy readily agreed. “It’s not a birthday thing at all. It’s just a little get-together with friends.”

“We can get snacks,” Mr. Murphy said. “Chips and some meat and veggie platters. Drinks too – pop or whatever you want.”

“It’s too bad that Noa and Rion aren’t a bit older,” Danny said. “Otherwise, I could bring beer or cider or something. You’re turning seventeen, right Noa? You were always the youngest…”

“That’s right,” Mrs. Murphy said. “So no alcohol for Noa.”

“Just a couple more years. So close!” Danny laughed.

“It’s fine. We’ll have fun without drinks,” Jesse said.

“Yeah, of course!” Danny agreed. “We’ll have a great time. And Mrs. Murphy? Let me know if Rion turns down the invitation. I’ll talk to him.”

Jesse turned to Noa to see how he was taking things. He was still staring at his plate and had given up entirely on eating. There was something distant in his gaze as it lingered on his pasta. He looked completely zoned out.

“Noa?” Jesse said. “You good?”

Noa glanced in his direction briefly before looking back down. That seemed like the only acknowledgement Jesse was going to get.

Chapter 9 – Rion

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

“Hello! This is Elaine Murphy calling for Rion. On the ninth, this Thursday, we were thinking of having a little get-together in the afternoon with snacks and friends. It’s Noa’s birthday but we won’t be having a party; he doesn’t like to celebrate. …Wha– Peter? Oh, right. Jesse, Danny, and Celeste will be coming over but those are our only other guests. Rion, please let us know if you can make it. Okay, talk to you soon. Bye!”

When the message ended, Rion played it again for the fifth time, listening to the familiar sound of Elaine Murphy’s voice. He hadn’t even set his backpack down since walking in. He was just staring at the answering machine, trying to process the words that were being repeated back again.

The ninth… That was tomorrow. That was Noa’s birthday.

They wanted to invite him over? Really?

Why?

Rion felt nothing and everything all at once. There was a hollowness in his chest that was sure to turn into a painful emotion eventually. Other feelings flitted by – disbelief, suspicion, hope – but they melted together into an incomprehensible mess.

Elaine Murphy was inviting him over for a get-together on Noa’s birthday.

It didn’t seem possible. Or logical. Was this some kind of trick? But who would want to trick him? Mrs. Murphy wasn’t like that. Was it Peter…? No. Peter didn’t want to be anywhere near him. It would make sense if it was Sarina, but it didn’t sound like she was involved.

What was this? What was going on?

“–talk to you soon. Bye!”

Rion half raised his hand to play the message again but stopped himself. His hand hovered over the answering machine for a long moment before he made himself take a step back, dropping his arm down to his side.

Later. He could listen to it again later. He needed to clear his head.

Rion tried to stay focused as he went to the couch and dropped his backpack on the seat. But then he stood there, mind too busy and full of thoughts. He scrubbed his face, trying to decide if he should make himself coffee or take a shower or…

There was a ring at the doorbell.

Immediately, Rion felt a thrill of anxiety pass through him. Who was at the door? Not Mrs. Murphy, right? She couldn’t have come…

The curtains were pulled back in the living room. He could see the front lawn from here. Rion realized that he needed to get away, out of sight, just in case someone peeked in.

Rion darted for the front door, trying to move soundlessly. As the doorbell rang again, he looked through the peephole to see who was there.

It was Danny and Jesse.

Rion felt mildly relieved. Still… Danny was okay, but Rion hadn’t seen Jesse in ages.

If either one of them looked into the living room window before ringing the doorbell they might have seen him. It was better to open the door and deal with them directly. Maybe he could turn them away or…or something. Rion wasn’t sure. He couldn’t think.

Rion unlocked the deadbolt and pulled the door open. Danny was all smiles and waves. Jesse tried to mimic him, but his expression froze when he met Rion’s gaze.

Rion smiled but he knew it was stretched awkwardly on his face. He probably looked fake and plastic. He couldn’t manage anything convincing right now.

“Hey,” he said. “This is kind of…unexpected. I Just got back from school and, um…”

“Oh, sorry,” Danny said, eyebrows raising. “Were you there late? It’s almost six.”

Rion blinked. Almost six? Really? Had he lost track of time? He knew he came home a bit late, but he didn’t think…

“Ah…yeah,” Rion said. “I’ve been busy. You know how it is. Um… Hi, Jesse.”

“Hey,” Jesse said. He was staring at him too much. “Is your eye okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s nothing,” Rion said, fidgeting with the doorknob. “You guys, uh… You wanna come in?”

“Sure, if it’s okay,” Danny said.

Rion waved them inside. He wasn’t sure he wanted them around, especially Jesse, but it would be much worse if someone saw them on his doorstep. Danny and Jesse came inside, taking off their shoes and Rion stepped back.

“Should I make coffee or something?” Rion asked, even though he would prefer them gone.

It was like he had some inner demon of small-town hospitality insisting that he welcome Danny and Jesse into the house. He felt stupid for bringing them in and trying to make them comfortable when he didn’t even want them around.

“Nah, water’s fine for me,” Danny said. “Jesse?”

“I’m good,” Jesse said.

“Okay. Cool,” Rion replied.

He headed back into the living room, taking his backpack off the couch. He plunked it down off to the side before heading to the kitchen and getting water for Danny. When he came back, he found Danny waiting for him and Jesse looking around, eyes drinking everything in, especially the consoles.

Was that why they were here? And why there were two of them? Did they want to pretend to be his friends to have access to his games?

That was fine. That was perfect, actually. Rion could live with that.

“It’s okay if we stay for a minute, right?” Danny said as Rion gave him his water. “We can go right away but there were just a couple things we wanted to talk about.”

“It’s fine,” Rion said out of obligatory politeness. “It’s a bit unexpected, but…uh… I don’t have anything going on, so…”

“Right, well… Mrs. Murphy said she was going to call but I wanted to talk to you about it personally,” Danny said. “Noa’s having a little get-together on his birthday. He wanted to invite you.”

Rion stared at him, his brain fighting to catch up with Danny’s words.

Noa wanted to invite him? Noa specifically? Not just the Murphys?

“I… Okay,” Rion said, somehow managing to get his voice to work. “Noa invited me?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “We talked to him. I think he really wants you there, so…we’d all really like it if you could come.”

“I…I don’t know…” Rion said, swallowing hard. “It’s kind of sudden. That’s tomorrow. I don’t have a birthday present…”

“Noa doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday,” Jesse said.

“Yeah…” Danny said, his smile turning awkward. “It’s probably because, you know… Amber’s anniversary is on the fourth and then his birthday is on the ninth… It’s too close together.”

Rion knew all too well.

The year Amber died, Noa’s birthday had come and passed without anyone noticing. Everyone had been grieving. He was sure they gave Noa presents at some point, but Rion knew that Noa was indifferent at the time.

Rion would have been the same if his birthday was that close to the anniversary of Amber’s death. Not that it really mattered, especially now. His father would pile gifts on him, but he was never there when Rion opened them. It was a hollow, meaningless thing, with no real reason to celebrate.

Rion let Halloween take priority over his birthday. It made for a nice distraction. Most people forgot it was his birthday anyway, too busy dressing in costumes and hunting for candy.

“It would feel weird to not get him anything, though,” Rion said. “I don’t know… It’s probably a bad idea.”

“No, no! You should come!” Danny said. “Don’t worry about bringing anything. Really! Just come say hi. He really misses you!”

Rion wanted to believe that. He wanted to see Noa again too. The thought alone made his heart squeeze tightly in his chest. If he thought about it too hard, he was scared he would cry.

Still, he could only see it ending badly.

“I don’t know, Danny,” Rion sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands, avoiding his bruised eye. “If Sarina’s there…”

“She’s not,” Danny said. “Peter told his parents not to invite her.”

“But if she finds out…” Rion tried again.

“Doesn’t matter,” Danny said, shaking his head. “I plan on talking to Sarina. I’m going to sort things out with her, okay? I’m your friend. It’s the least I can do.”

Rion let out a huff of humourless laughter. “I don’t think talking to her will do anything.”

“Is it really that bad?”

Jesse was looking at him, frowning.

Rion had only ever admitted it to Noa, but he’d always kind of looked up to Jesse. He was a nice guy, dependable, and older than them. Jesse was the kind of person you could count on, the kind of person you wanted to be friends with.

The whole thing with the friendship bracelet…the way Jesse had looked at him then…Rion had thought there was no going back. But the Jesse in his living room was a different person, someone more mature, an adult. He wasn’t looking at him the same way he had six years ago. He seemed almost…worried about him?

No, Rion had to be mistaken. That couldn’t be right.

“Is what ‘that bad’?” Rion asked.

“Sarina, obviously,” Danny said.

“She…she gave you that black eye?” Jesse asked, his frown deepening. “Danny said something about that.”

“We got into a fight,” Rion said, turning away, unable to meet their gaze. “Listen, don’t worry about it. I’m the asshole picking fights with a girl anyway. She hit me. So what? Big deal.”

“It looks like a big deal,” Jesse said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Rion said stiffly.

Jesse hesitated. From the corner of his eye, Rion saw Danny give Jesse a bump with his elbow. Rion wondered what they were up to.

“I… Shit…” Jesse grumbled, fumbling with his words. “Listen, um… I have some things to say, and… Well, first of all…”

Jesse paused to flash a look at Danny who smiled back innocently. Then he turned back to Rion.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Sarina. I’ve heard things and I don’t like the sound of it. If she did give you a black eye, that’s not okay. Also…kind of paired with that, um… About the friendship bracelet thing… I just wanted to say that when that happened, I… It was a shock. And I judged you pretty harshly at the time, and…I want to apologize.”

Rion stared at him before saying, “You what?”

“I want to apologize,” Jesse said, more earnestly. “A lot was going on at the time and we were all dumb kids. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and cut you out of my life. I was all caught up in myself and I just… I was a dick. I’m sorry.”

“You… Oh no, Jesse, it’s fine,” Rion said quickly, trying to ignore the strange new tightness in his chest. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I am going to worry about it,” Jesse said. “I didn’t hear you out. I judged you… It was the wrong thing to do. I’m sure you had your own reasons for wrecking your bracelet, and… What you went through was different from the rest of us. You were there when…Amber…”

Jesse was getting choked up. Rion could tell. And it made him feel awful.

This was his fault.

“Jesse, stop,” Rion said. “Don’t apologize. Because I’m not going to. Okay?”

Refusing to apologize was probably the worst thing Rion thought he could do, considering he had so much to be sorry for. Rion hoped that would hurt Jesse’s feelings, just a little, just enough to make him turn on Rion again. Then maybe things would go back to normal. Anything to escape Jesse’s pity and apologies that came from who knew where.

Jesse looked confused for half a second, but then he smiled. Danny did too.

“Okay. Okay, deal,” Jesse said. “Yeah, let’s… We can start over and put that behind us.”

“That’s a great idea,” Danny said, grinning. “What’s done is done! No apologies needed.”

Rion stared at them both for a long moment as he realized what went wrong. Then he sighed, running a hand through his hair, ruffling his shaggy dark locks.

He’d screwed up again – the story of his life. They interpreted the statement as one of comradery instead of realizing that Rion was trying to push them away. He must have phrased things wrong or…

Fuck.

“That… Fine, whatever,” Rion said. He didn’t have the heart to correct them. “Listen, it’s nice that you came over and everything, but you should get going. I have stuff to do, and–”

“You’re coming to hang out tomorrow, right?” Danny said. “Since things are good and you’re making peace with Jesse now?”

“What? No, I… I still think it’s a bad idea,” Rion said. “Even if Noa wants me there, Peter is a different story.”

“Leave Peter to us. He’s already half-convinced anyway since he’s okay with you coming over,” Danny said. “Come on, Rion. Please? You won’t turn Noa down like that, will you? I think he’s really looking forward to seeing you again.”

Rion wanted to tell them to leave. He didn’t want to be part of this conversation anymore. He was done with it. Especially since he couldn’t trust that what Danny said was true, that Noa actually wanted him there.

But then it occurred to him.

Noa. He would be able to see Noa again, in person. Even better – Rion might have a chance to be alone with Noa. And if he was alone with Noa…

The loose end, the one that had been bothering Rion for years… He could fix it. He could make that one thing right. If he could talk to Noa alone, even for just a handful of seconds…

The friendship bracelet. Rion could give it to Noa.

“Noa really wants me there…?” Rion asked, trying to sound hesitant. He didn’t want to pull a one-eighty and seem suspicious.

“Yeah!” Danny said. “He really wants you there, Rion. Please come. We want you there too.”

“I don’t even think Peter will mind,” Jesse said. “It would be…it would be good to hang out with you again. Like we all used to. Remember the lake?”

Rion didn’t want to remember the lake. He didn’t want to remember at all. Things had been so perfect back then, but the happy memories brought on terrible nightmares now. He couldn’t think of the lake without thinking of that night, without hearing the roar of flames, without feeling the scalding heat all around him, the harsh smoke on every breath…

No. Not the lake. He didn’t want to remember.

“I… Okay,” Rion said weakly. He was sure his hands were shaking. He clenched them into fists. He needed to keep it together. He needed to pretend he was fine and normal. “Okay, I’ll go to the Murphys’ tomorrow. I… I’m going to need to get ready, though… I have lots to do.”

“Yeah! Sure!” Danny said, finishing his water and raising his glass to Rion with a grin. “Don’t worry! It will be fun!”

Chapter 10 – Noa

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Noa was so excited to see Rion that the feeling turned into a painful, anxious burning in his chest. It made him nauseous and no matter how much his aunt and uncle insisted, he couldn’t manage to eat a single bite of breakfast.

When the first person arrived, knocking on the door, Noa dashed across the living room to see who it was. Peter beat him to the door, so he had to lean around his cousin's tall frame to see who it was.

Danny was on the doorstep, smiling and waving.

“Hi, Peter! Hey, Noa!” he greeted them.

Noa scrunched up his face in disappointment and turned around. He walked back to the couch, even as both Peter and Danny tried to call him back. He plunked himself down into the seat and began bouncing his leg, full of nervous energy.

He felt like he was going to puke.

“Why did you run away?” Danny said with a laugh as he joined him in the living room. “I was just saying hi. Happy birthday, by the way.”

Noa crossed his arms and turned his head to look at the wall.

He didn’t want Danny. He wanted Rion.

“Noa’s just excited, I think,” Peter said.

“That’s okay. I get it,” Danny said. “Actually Noa, I wanted to thank you for that spider sketch. It’s mega creepy but I brought it home to Mom and she’s going to see if she can find a frame for it. It’s really good.”

Noa didn’t acknowledge the statement. He’d drawn the tarantula to upset Danny, not to impress him.

Now, he felt guilty at his own maliciousness. The fact that Danny liked it made it worse.

Noa should have predicted it. No matter what he did, no one ever got angry with him. He was provided with endless excuses. And then there were times, like now, where he would get gratitude for lashing out and being mean.

He didn’t understand. He wished that someone, anyone, would acknowledge what a terrible person he was.

“He didn’t do any more art for us,” Peter said. “Noa spent pretty much all of yesterday cleaning his room.”

“Oh, cool. That makes sense, with guests coming over and everything.”

“Why don’t you come to the kitchen? We have drinks and–”

There was another ring at the door. Noa sprung up and darted across the room again, heart in his throat. He beat Peter this time but when he opened it, Jesse was standing on the step.

“Hi, Noa,” Jesse said, all smiles.

Noa heaved a breath and promptly walked away from the door again, leaving Jesse standing there.

“Noa…” Peter scolded him on his way to the door. “Sorry, Jesse. I think he’s waiting on Rion.”

“That’s okay. I get it,” Jesse said. “Celeste was right behind me on the way here from work, so she should be… Yeah, that’s her car pulling up.”

Noa flopped back down in his seat again. Danny came over to join him with a grin.

“You must be really excited,” Danny said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you move that fast. You really miss Rion, huh?”

Noa clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to talk about it. Danny didn’t understand. None of them did.

“He’ll be here,” Danny added, giving Noa a firm pat on the shoulder. “He said he would come.”

There was more fussing at the door as Celeste arrived and Noa was glad. Now the next person would have to be Rion. He watched as Danny went and joined the others.

“Hey, Celeste,” Danny said as the group gathered in the living room.

“Hey, Danny,” she said, coming in. Danny pulled her into a hug and she was quick to return it. “It’s so good to see you again.”

“Same to you!” Danny said, pulling back. “It’s so cool that we’re all here together again. You know, under happier circumstances.”

“But no Sarina?” Celeste said. “That’s what Mrs. Murphy said on the phone.”

“Yeah,” Peter said. “Rion’s coming and…”

“…And they don’t get along,” Celeste finished.

“It’s fine,” Danny assured them. “I called up Sarina last night. I set up a coffee date with her tomorrow. The two of us will talk stuff out.”

Celeste’s brow pinched in a frown. She bit her bottom lip.

“Danny…I don’t think she’s going to be happy about being left out,” Celeste said.

“She’s going to be pissed,” Peter said plainly.

Danny waved a dismissive hand. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I know how to talk to her. It’s all good. We used to be best friends.”

“A lot has changed, Danny,” Peter said. “…But that’s a problem for later. Let’s get drinks. Mom’s working late and Dad’s just getting the snacks ready. Also, there’s no cake. Sorry.”

Celeste laughed. “That’s okay. Mrs. Murphy made it clear that this wasn’t a birthday party.”

Noa closed his eyes and massaged his temples. He couldn’t tune them out. They just kept talking and talking, even as they went to the kitchen and got drinks.

“Noa?” Peter asked, poking his head out after a moment. “Do you want anything to drink?”

Noa shook his head, dropping his hands.

“Are you okay? Do you have a headache?” Peter asked.

Noa shook his head again.

“All right… If you’re not feeling okay, let me know,” Peter told him.

Peter disappeared back into the kitchen, but only for a moment. Soon, they were all coming back into the living room with food and drinks, arranging everything on the coffee table. Noa didn’t want to look at any of it, feeling too sick to even think about eating or drinking.

“Hi, Noa.”

Celeste sat down next to him. Noa leaned away from her.

Celeste made Noa feel…weird. She was a nice person, kind and gentle, and in a strange way she reminded him of Amber. Celeste and Amber had been best friends so maybe that was all there was to it. At the same time, just talking to her made Noa feel guilty. It was a little like talking to Jesse only…very different.

“How are you doing?” Celeste asked.

Noa ducked his head down and rubbed the back of his neck, curling away from her. He didn’t want to talk to Celeste, didn’t want to face her. He honestly wished that only Rion was coming over today.

But Danny said he was friends with Rion. They must have reconnected. Which meant Danny should be here too. And if Danny was going to be here, why not everyone else? Noa could only be so selfish before his self-loathing and guilt ate away at him.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything to drink?” Celeste asked. “We have root beer. I know it’s your favourite.”

Noa shook his head.

“Okay then,” Celeste said, giving him the lightest, gentlest touch on his shoulder. “Just let us know if you need anything, okay? And I know this isn’t a birthday party, but…happy birthday, Noa.”

Noa scrunched his eyes shut and let out a long breath. But that breath hitched, and he choked on it when the doorbell rang again.

He half-gagged as he hurried to stand. Celeste put a hand on him to try and stop him, probably worried. All she did was stall him in his attempt to beat Peter to the door. Peter got there first and Noa joined him a second after shrugging off a concerned Celeste.

Peter pulled the door open and there was Rion.

Noa stood, wide eyed, taking him in.

Rion hadn’t changed that much. He was still short, about the same height as Noa. His dark hair was shaggier, a little more unkempt than when they were kids. Rion was still pretty– No, he was prettier than Noa remembered. He’d always had a face with softer features. Instead of growing out of them, he’d grown into them.

However, drawing all Noa’s attention was Rion’s black eye.

It stood out, not just because it was an awful, dark bruise or because he was as pale as Noa. Rion had heterochromia. His right eye was green, and his left eye was hazel. The black eye brought out the difference in eye colour even more, making his hazel eye look like a side effect of his injury rather than just a normal part of him.

“Rion…” Noa said, the name squeezing in his throat. “Your eye…”

Then Noa realized that Rion was staring at him with equal intensity. He was startled at the sound of Noa’s voice, his back going rigid. His lips parted and then he offered an awkward open-mouthed half smile.

“I got into a fight,” Rion said.

“Hi, Rion,” Peter added.

“Oh. Hi,” Rion said, turning to Peter like he was seeing him for the first time. “I… Sorry. Um… Hey. I know it’s not a birthday party, but…uh…”

There was a large gift bag in his hands, Noa realized. Rion was turning it around, fidgeting with the handle.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Peter said, but he turned to Noa when he did, side-eyeing him. Noa blinked and then nodded. “Come on in, Rion. Want something to drink?”

“Ah…maybe water?” Rion said. His gaze flicked back to Noa. “Um…happy birthday, Noa.”

For one very brief moment, Noa didn’t care about anything else. He had a sudden, burning urge to pull Rion into a tight hug and never let go. He scrunched his eyes shut and blinked them open fast. He forced the feeling away.

“Thanks,” Noa said. “I… I’m really happy that you came, Rion. Thank you.”

Rion smiled. He really smiled. “Thanks for having me over. I’m happy to be here too.”

He reached up with his free hand but then quickly swapped, offering the bag to Noa instead. Noa accepted it.

“Thank you,” Noa said again.

His voice was wavering. He forced himself to turn away and headed back into the living room. His heart was throbbing in his chest and his head was light.

Rion was here. He really came after all. This was real.

Noa’s mind was racing. He was giddy. He couldn’t tell if he felt relieved, excited or something else. All of his feelings were a muddled mess.

Peter shut the front door and Rion followed them, glancing around the room.

“Hey,” Rion greeted everyone.

“Hey, Rion!” Danny said, waving as he got up.

He welcomed Rion with an immediate big hug, just like he had with Celeste. Rion hugged him back.

Noa was instantly jealous.

“It’s good to see you,” Celeste added as Danny and Rion pulled apart. Peter, meanwhile, slipped into the kitchen. “It’s been a really long time.”

“Yeah. It’s great that you could come,” Jesse added.

“Thanks,” Rion said.

Noa reached out and grabbed Rion by the arm with his free hand. Rion turned, doing a double take, but Noa pulled gently, steering Rion to the couch. He sat down, tugging Rion into the seat next to him.

“Noa?” Rion said in confusion.

“Sit with me,” Noa told him.

“Noa was super excited to see you,” Danny said, grinning. “I guess he wants bonding time with his best friend.”

“Best friend…?” Rion said and then looked at Noa, his expression both doubtful and hopeful. “Are we still best friends?”

“Yes!” Noa said adamantly but then froze. “Unless…you don’t want to be?”

“I do!” Rion said. He was smiling widely again, relief evident. “I really do. I just thought that maybe… I don’t know. It’s been so long. Maybe you didn’t want to be friends anymore.”

“I’ll always want to be friends,” Noa assured him. “Always. No matter what.”

Rion let out a small laugh, turning away. His face was getting flushed and he was blinking rapidly. Noa wasn’t sure if he was flustered or trying to blink back tears.

“That’s… That makes me really happy,” Rion said.

“It only makes sense that you’re still friends, right?” Danny added. “You two have always been inseparable.”

“It’s great to have everyone back together,” Jesse added. “Well…except for Sarina…”

“Work in progress,” Danny said dismissively. “I’ll sort that out.”

“Hey, Noa,” Peter said as he came back with a water for Rion, handing it to him. “Are you going to open your present?”

Noa was still holding the gift bag, though the bottom was resting at his feet. It was heavy but honestly, he didn’t care about it. He was far happier just sitting next to Rion. The present didn’t matter.

He shrugged.

“Yeah, open it,” Danny said. “It’s not a birthday party or anything. We’re just hanging out and being casual so you can go for it, Noa.”

“I’m a little curious about it myself,” Celeste added. “And I feel a little guilty for not getting anything…”

“Don’t worry about that,” Peter said quickly. “It’s Noa’s birthday but we’re just hanging out. He doesn’t like presents.”

“You can open it whenever you want, Noa,” Rion added. “It’s nothing all that special. I just thought…it was something you should have.”

Noa huffed. All the attention was on the bag so he was going to have to open it now. There wasn’t any tape at the top so he reached in, pushing aside some coloured tissue paper and grabbing hold of…a binder?

Blinking, Noa pulled it out. He recognized what he was holding immediately. It was an old, beat up, blue binder that was filled to the brim, bits of string, ribbon, and coloured paper poking out the sides.

“Is that Rion’s old scrapbook?!” Danny exclaimed.

“It is!” Celeste chimed in. “Oh, wow! Are you okay to give that to him, Rion?”

“Yeah,” Rion said, his voice cracking slightly. “I don’t… I don’t really use it anymore. It was just collecting dust in my closet. I thought that maybe… It seemed like something I should give to Noa.”

Noa smiled as he ran a hand over the cover. The words ‘RION’S BINDER’ were scrawled childishly across the front in permanent marker. There were old bits of glue and marker half scrubbed off the front. It was old, dirty, and creased from years of being dragged around by Rion as a kid.

The smile faded from Noa’s lips as he flipped it open.

The first few pages were from before Rion and Noa had met. They were personal, pictures of Rion’s family glued to looseleaf and cardstock with childishly scrawled descriptions for each and some notes from his parents who had helped him put it together. There were a few cut out articles from events glued in, notes about things Rion had done with his parents…

It was weird to see a tiny, child Rion with his mother. Especially since Noa never met her. She was a beautiful woman, with dark hair, green eyes, and a warm smile. Rion took after her.

After the early pictures, there was a time gap. Noa knew why. Rion’s mother had died. Things had changed for him. He probably lost interest in his scrapbook project or been too overwhelmed by grief.

Noa knew what that was like.

Turning the pages, he was soon greeted with a picture of a younger version of himself and Rion. It was one that the Murphys had taken from Noa’s first couple weeks of school in Misty Meadows.

The picture was from around the time when Noa moved in with his aunt and uncle and it was obvious. He was skinny and pale, a faded yellow bruise on his neck, and his hair was cut in this weird, almost bowl-cut style. He was just barely smiling, holding up the corner of a poster board for their science project on batteries, Rion grinning and holding up the other side.

Noa remembered. He had a fractured rib that was still healing at the time. He could barely do anything without some part of his body hurting. And he had been new in town – a hot topic of gossip. People were constantly whispering about him and his abusive dad.

The teacher had partnered him with Rion for their science project. Rion was a little shy, but they’d started talking and become best friends almost instantly. They had a lot in common and Rion never judged him like everyone else did.

Noa flipped through more pages, all of them filled with happy memories. There were old ticket stubs from plays and movies, little drawings and sketches, pieces of things that Rion would tape onto a page like Double Bubble comics and stray receipts. And Rion had little captions for everything, an explanation as to why each thing was preserved in the binder.

There were pictures of their other friends and of Amber too. Noa traced his fingers over one of her with her arms around both Rion and Noa, all three of them laughing, ball caps askew on their heads. Peter was in the background, collapsed on a bench. It was from a time when they’d gone on a road trip. They went on a hike and ended up half sunburnt and sweaty but Noa remembered having a lot of fun.

Noa took a breath and it caught. His vision swam with tears and he hurried to blink them away.

“I can’t take this, Rion,” he said, looking up.

He realized then that everyone was crowded around them. They’d been looking at the scrapbook with him. They’d probably all been commenting and talking, but Noa had been so absorbed that he didn’t even notice until now.

“Please, it’s yours,” Rion said. “Like I said, it’s collecting dust. I want you to have it.”

Noa shook his head. He couldn’t. It was too valuable – too precious.

“It’s a gift, Noa,” Jesse said. “If Rion wants to give it to you, it’s okay. You’ll take good care of it.”

Noa knew that wasn’t true. He shook his head harder and closed the binder. He couldn’t take care of anything. He would end up wrecking it.

“If you really don’t want it…” Rion began, reaching for the binder.

Peter stepped in and scooped the binder out of Noa’s hands.

“I’ll give it to Mom and Dad,” he said. “They can put it away for now. It’s fine.”

“But…” Noa started to say. The words caught in his throat. It was better to go along with it. “…Okay.”

Peter went to find Uncle Charlie, hurrying off with the binder in his grip.

Rion was watching Noa, frowning in concern.

“Sorry,” Rion said. “I wasn’t trying to… I just thought you should have it.”

“I'll wreck it,” Noa said, looking down at his lap.

He couldn’t look at Rion. He was ashamed. He was being offered something so precious and he just knew what would happen if he kept it.

“You wouldn’t do that!” Danny said. “You’re so careful with that kind of stuff.”

Noa shook his head. He wasn’t afraid of wrecking it accidentally. He was afraid of wrecking it intentionally.

“Peter will make sure it’s put away safe,” Jesse added. “It’s okay, Noa.”

“I can always take it back if you want,” Rion said. “But I trust you with it, Noa. If you wreck it, that’s okay. It’s yours now.”

Noa wanted to shake his head again but he didn’t want to keep talking about it. He knew the truth. He knew what kind of person he was. Noa couldn’t trust himself.

“I’m sorry,” Noa said, squeezing his eyes shut.

“That’s okay,” Danny said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

There was a soft tug at the edge of his sleeve. Noa opened his eyes a crack and saw that it was Rion, who’d pinched a fold in his hoodie to get his attention. He was leaning forward, staring at him with a searching gaze.

Up close, it was painful to look at that black eye. It looked like it really hurt.

“Are you okay?” Rion asked.

Noa nodded.

He wasn’t okay. He felt terrible and guilty. But Rion was here and he was worrying about him. It gave Noa a small sense of comfort and relief for the briefest moment before the guilt swallowed everything again. He shouldn’t be worrying Rion. He shouldn’t…

Noa pulled his arm free. He pushed himself up out of his seat.

“Can I show you something?” Noa asked.

Rion looked up at him, blinking.

“Uh…sure?” he said, getting up.

“What do you want to show us?” Danny asked.

Noa pressed his lips together in a thin line. Wasn’t it obvious that he only wanted to do things with Rion? He didn’t have anything he cared to show to Danny…

Then again, he had agreed to inviting everyone over. It wasn’t like he was showing Rion anything he was trying to hide…

He decided to ignore everyone else, reaching out and taking Rion by the hand. He gave his arm a tug and moved his feet, pulling Rion towards the stairs. Rion allowed himself to be led along but he still seemed confused.

“Let’s go to my room,” Noa said.

Chapter 11 – Rion

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Rion allowed Noa to lead him out of the living room while the others followed. Noa let go of his hand the moment they reached the stairs and went up first.

Rion was disappointed. Noa’s hand felt so warm and real in his. He didn’t want to let go. Even though he could feel the roughness of the old scars on Noa’s palm, reminding Rion of the heat and fire and smoke…

Noa was right in front of him and Rion was walking through the Murphy home. Jesse, Danny, and Celeste were all here and it was…nostalgic.

The whole situation was strange to Rion, feeling so wrong and completely right at the same time. Just like Noa, who was both the same and different from what Rion remembered.

Rion could see that Noa had matured quite a bit since they’d last seen each other. His features were shaper and less boyish. He was more mature and masculine…maybe even handsome. But he was still Noa, still Rion’s best friend, still somewhat awkward and shy.

But there were changes too. Something about the look in Noa’s eyes was lost. He was more closed off than before, quieter somehow. Rion noticed how everyone seemed to focus on Noa too, paying extra attention to him.

Rion didn’t know what it meant. He wasn’t sure that he cared either. Noa was Noa and he was here and he was real.

They reached the top of the stairs and headed down the familiar hallway.

Rion felt an immediate stab of dread. He stopped, standing still, frozen.

As happy as he was to go to Noa’s room, Rion remembered belatedly that Amber’s old room was just a few doors down from Noa’s. The thought alone was an unpleasant shock to his system. He was instantly paralyzed, afraid of getting any closer.

Rion wanted to turn around and head right back downstairs. He sucked in a sharp breath and jolted when Jesse brushed past him.

“Peter, what ended up happening to Amber’s room?” Jesse asked, looking towards her door. It was closed. “Did you…? I mean, your family cleaned it out, right? I know you gave most of her things away…”

Rion leaned into the wall, pressing a hand to his chest while the others passed him by, equally interested in Amber’s room. Rion swore he could feel his aching, pounding heart shuddering beneath his fingertips. He tried to keep his breathing steady, not wanting to make a scene, not wanting anyone to notice him.

A shoulder pressed against his. Rion glanced to his left and saw that Noa was leaning against the wall next to him, pressing close. Their eyes met.

Noa knew.

If anyone else shared that same look with Rion, he would have flown into a panic. But this was Noa and Noa understood.

Rion’s eyes stung. He looked away, fighting back relieved tears again.

Noa understood. He knew. They were in this together. Rion wasn’t alone.

He reached out with his left hand. He wanted to hold Noa’s hand again but found himself hesitating. His fingers twitched, knuckles brushing Noa’s. Instead of taking his hand, Rion shifted to pinch the cuff of Noa’s sleeve, like he had before. Less contact felt safer.

“It’s a guest room now,” Peter was saying. “Well…more of a storage room, to be honest. We thought about turning it into a computer room but that felt…wrong.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I get that. Would it be weird to ask for a peek inside?”

“That’s not weird,” Celeste said. “I would like to look too if it’s okay. I know there’s probably nothing to see but…”

“You don’t need to explain,” Peter said. “Even I take a look sometimes. We keep the door closed so it can feel like everything is still just…there. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense,” Danny assured him. “It probably has something to do with not seeing it a lot, right? Like, you remember how it was and not how it is because…your memory is stronger or something.”

“Something like that, yeah,” Peter said. “But we can look. There isn’t much to see…”

Rion heard the turn of a doorknob and felt Noa’s whole body go rigid next to him.

“Don’t!”

Everyone jumped and turned sharply when Noa raised his voice. Noa was wide eyed and stiff, looking at them like they’d been about to set the house on fire.

“Don’t open it!” Noa insisted.

“Oh, uh…right,” Peter said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Noa thinks the room might be…haunted…I guess.”

“Oh, Noa,” Celeste said, unable to hide her pity.

Danny winced and Jesse’s expression was pained.

“Amber… She wouldn’t haunt you guys,” Danny said. He tried to smile but it wavered. “She wouldn’t want to scare anyone. She wasn’t like that.”

Noa shook his head adamantly. “The door opens by itself. I hear things…”

Peter’s smile was strained. “Noa hasn’t been…comfortable around Amber’s room since she passed away. I, uh… I haven’t noticed anything weird about it myself, but… Yeah.”

“We don’t have to take a look,” Jesse said. “It was just a thought. Not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, Noa.”

“Don’t open the door,” Noa insisted. “Please.”

“Okay,” Danny said, holding up his hands. “That’s fine. Right, Peter? We don’t need to take a look.”

“Right,” Peter agreed, stepping away from the door to Amber’s room. “You wanted to show us something anyway, right Noa?”

Rion couldn’t tell if Noa was staring at them or Amber’s door. He didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned and headed into his room, his sleeve slipping out between Rion’s fingers. Rion quickly followed him, and he heard the others just behind him.

It had been six years since Rion had stood in Noa’s room. It was a long time ago, but Rion remembered it too clearly. The day of the funeral…

Rion forced the thought aside, focusing on the room.

When Noa was a kid, he kept his room immaculate and orderly. Rion remembered that Noa had even arranged the books on his shelf alphabetically by author name. He said that his parents always had him clean up after himself, even when he was little.

The room was mostly in order. Noa didn’t used to have posters or anything up on the walls, but now there was an overfull cork board with all kinds of pictures, postcards, and magazine clippings pinned to it. There was a stack of papers, sketchbooks, and pencils on his nightstand and his bookshelf was packed full, not just with books but with several models on the top shelves. The models were impressive, the kind you’d find in kits, painted and put together exactly right.

Noa’s desk, which had always been cleared off as a child, was overflowing with all kinds of things. There was a set of paints in one of the corners, along with glue and scissors–

They were a different pair of scissors than the ones Noa had as a kid. They were bigger and the handle was blue, not yellow…

Rion tore his gaze away, focusing on the other items scattered across the desk. It looked like Noa had been paper crafting. There were folded, glued-together papers that were drawn and coloured, made to look like animals or trees and other things. It looked like he’d been doing some things with clay too, having sculpted a couple different animals. It looked like he’d been comparing them to his paper crafts, lining them up together.

Noa had also spent some time…maybe a lot of time…creating hands.

Rion saw several sketches of hands in various poses on loose papers that were stacked on the desk and nightstand, but there were also papercraft hands and sculpted hands. There was a lot, in various sizes and poses. The room was littered with drawings and crafts of hands and even the cork board had several pictures of hands stuck to it.

For as much as Rion adored Noa, even he couldn’t deny that it was just a little creepy.

Noa’s bed was made, the laundry bin was empty, and the floor was spotless. Rion let himself be comforted by the fact that some of the old Noa was still in there somewhere.

“Whoa-ho!” Danny remarked, looking around with wide eyes. He focused on the models. “Did you put those together yourself, Noa?”

Noa nodded, standing back to make room for them.

“They look like they’re right off the model kit boxes,” Jesse commented. He was smiling but it wavered as he looked around the rest of the room.

“Noa has always been creative,” Peter said. “He kept improving with practice. When he gets his hands on pencils and paint, he goes wild.”

“It’s really impressive,” Celeste said, looking around. “Noa, what’s the cork board for? Is it just pictures you like or…?”

Noa glanced back at it. Rion followed his gaze. It looked like a random collection of images were stuck to the board. There were a lot of places and scenery in the postcards and clippings, but there were also animals and people. Rion couldn’t see any relation between any of the pictures.

“Reference,” Noa said, turning back to them. “Looking at things helps me draw them better.”

“Ooooh! That makes sense!” Danny said with a grin. “Cool! And, uh…should I ask about all the…you know…hands?”

Noa blinked at him, then shrugged.

“Hands are interesting,” Noa said.

“F-Fair enough…? I was never good at drawing them myself,” Danny said with a small laugh. “Man… It’s kind of different in here.”

“There’s something you wanted to show me?” Rion said with another glance around. “Was it just your room or…?”

Noa went to his dresser and pulled the top drawer open. Everything inside was neatly folded, and he had to reach down, digging underneath his clothes to find what he wanted. He pulled out a full binder and held it out to Rion, who accepted it. This one was newer and in much better condition than Rion’s old scrapbook.

“What is it?” Rion asked, hesitating.

Noa nodded to it. Rion must be meant to look for himself. He opened the binder and found himself blinking. He remembered this…

Noa had been drawing since before Rion met him. Even when they were kids, his art was better than anyone else in their grade. He had only improved with time.

When Rion and Noa had gotten close, they’d talked about all kinds of things, including stories and ideas they had. The end result of their ideas, combined with Noa’s artistic talent, was a comic.

The binder that Noa passed to Rion contained their old comic, the pages removed from the old sketchbooks they’d been working in and placed in page protectors. Rion was able to leaf through the binder, a smile tugging at his lips as he skimmed the contents.

It was a dumb, cheesy comic obviously put together by kids. It didn’t always make sense and the characters made a lot of stupid, bathroom humour jokes. It was a fantasy story about a group of adventurers who were friends. Rion felt strange as he looked through it, remembering how they used to talk about it all the time.

“Oh, hey! That’s that comic you guys used to work on, right?” Danny said as they crowded around for a look. “Oh, wow! That’s awesome!”

“Yeah,” Rion agreed, paging through it gently. “It’s all here… Noa, it was a great idea to put it together like this.”

“I redrew it.”

Rion looked up at Noa, blinking. Noa reached out, flipping through the pages for Rion, going to where the comic had originally ended. There were new pages, ones that had been redrawn with a more skilled hand. It almost looked like a real comic…except the content and story was still the same, still immature, childish.

“Wow,” Rion laughed. “Wow, Noa. That’s really… I’m impressed. How long did that take you?”

“I added onto the story too,” Noa said instead of answering.

“You did?” Rion said, more surprised by that. It wasn’t like the original story was any good. He didn’t see the point in continuing it now that they were older. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Noa said. “It felt good. I understand if you don’t like it…”

“No, no! It really doesn’t bother me,” Rion said. “You can do whatever you want with it. It’s fine.”

“You can take it and read it,” Noa said. “You gave me your scrapbook and that was yours… This belongs to both of us so we should share it.”

“If you’re sure,” Rion said, hesitating. Noa nodded. “Well…okay then.”

“Hey, would I be able to borrow it too some time?” Danny asked. “It’s been a while since I read it. I remember it being really ham and cheese.”

“Rion can decide,” Noa said.

“When I’ve read it, I’ll borrow it to you,” Rion told Danny.

“I haven’t read it in a long time either,” Peter said. “It’s been years.”

“I barely remember what it was about, to be honest,” Jesse added.

“I think some of the characters were based on us, weren’t they?” Celeste said. “I remember Sarina wanted you to write her in as a fairy princess or something…”

“We made a character that was kind of like her but…not like her at all,” Rion said, not wanting to dwell on it. “It’s hard to remember all the details.”

He remembered them making an annoying fairy that tried to guide the group but usually led them into trouble. He was sure they’d named her ‘Serene’ after Sarina.

The two main characters were basically self-inserts of Noa and Rion. Most of their adventures had involved them doing cool stuff and fighting monsters. And some side characters were, of course, entirely made up. But their friends had been an inspiration in a lot of places. Even Amber had been written in…

“That’s really cool though,” Danny said.

“It’s awesome that you still have it,” Jesse added. “It’s a great keepsake.”

“Hey, Noa, maybe you could actually write comics,” Danny said to him. “Like, professionally! Your art is more than good enough.”

Noa tilted his head, considering it, but then he shrugged.

Downstairs, they heard the front door open and then close. There were muffled voices from below and it sounded like Mr. Murphy was welcoming his wife home. Their voices dropped to a barely discernible murmur.

“Sounds like Mom’s home,” Peter said. “We should probably head back down and have some snacks. We have some movies and stuff too. We can watch something and chill.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Danny said.

They filed out of Noa’s room. Rion hung back in the doorway. Noa lingered at his side, hesitating when he realized that Rion wasn’t following the others.

Danny was talking animatedly about how great it was that they were all together again. He was the last to disappear down the stairs. They hadn’t noticed that Rion and Noa were still in the bedroom doorway, leaving them both behind.

Rion spared a brief, uneasy glance at the door to Amber’s room before he turned to Noa. He was watching him, focused.

This was Rion’s chance.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the friendship bracelet. It was the one that was still intact, a weave of yellow and purple made by Amber herself. Rion held the bracelet out to Noa.

“Here. Take it,” Rion said, lowering his voice.

Noa stared at him and then looked at the bracelet in Rion’s hand. He said nothing. He did nothing.

“Noa, take it,” Rion said again, jerking the bracelet closer to his best friend. “Quick, before anyone comes to see where we are.”

Noa looked back up at Rion.

“No.”

Rion stood there, blinking rapidly.

What? Why? Why would Noa refuse?

He had to take the bracelet. He needed to. Rion had to give it to him. If Noa had a complete friendship bracelet, he would be safe. No one would know. It was already lucky that no one noticed Noa didn’t have his bracelet…or maybe someone had noticed but they hadn’t given it much thought? Either way…

If Noa took Rion’s bracelet, no one would suspect the truth.

“Please,” Rion said. “Noa, please take it.”

“No,” Noa said again. “I can’t. It’s yours.”

“I want to give it to you,” Rion said, lowering his voice further, eyes darting to the empty stairs.

Everyone was long out of sight. It wouldn’t be long before they noticed that Rion and Noa were missing. They might already know.

“Take it,” Rion insisted. “It’s yours now.”

“Amber made that one for you.”

“I don’t care,” Rion said, determined. He had to protect Noa. “Everyone thinks I cut up my friendship bracelet so if you take it–”

“I was the one who cut up my bracelet,” Noa said, expression pinched. “Yours is… You didn’t wreck yours. Why is everyone confused? Danny said that you told him you cut yours up but that’s not true… Why did you lie?”

“Because…” Rion began but he didn’t have time to explain.

When Rion was caught with Noa's ruined bracelet…when everyone thought Rion had cut his bracelet up…

They hated him.

Rion couldn’t let them find out that it was really Noa. He couldn’t let them hate Noa the way they hated him. And since they were just starting to be his friends again, since he was fixing things with Danny and the others now…

If Noa took Rion’s friendship bracelet – Rion’s real bracelet – he would be safe. No one could hate him. No one could blame him. It would protect him.

“Noa…” Rion began again.

“Hey, are you guys coming?”

Rion jolted, shoving the bracelet back in his pocket. He whipped around to face Danny who’d just come back upstairs.

“Yeah!” Rion said, his voice too high. “Yeah, we’re coming.”

“Okay, great. Because I’m really getting hungry and I could probably eat an entire platter,” Danny told them with a grin. “You’d better grab something before it’s all gone.”

Rion forced a smile. “Right. Yeah. We’re coming, right Noa?”

Noa didn’t answer. He looked at Rion, his brows lowered, his expression critical. He walked past Rion and headed for the stairs.

Chapter 12 – Sarina

Friday, September 10, 2004

Sarina was pissed.

She was sitting in the most worn booth at the hotel restaurant, drinking her coffee while it was still hot to purposefully sting her mouth. Danny was late and at this point, she wouldn’t have been surprised if he was off being all buddy-buddy with fucking Rion.

She slapped her cup down on the tabletop with more force than necessary, causing the couple in the booth a few seats away to look at her. She didn’t care. People could look at her however they liked.

Fuck them. Fuck all of them. Fuck everyone.

When she heard that Danny had come back to Misty Meadows, she’d made the mistake of getting excited. Danny was a great guy, always fun to be around, and he actually listened to her unlike everyone else in this shit town. But Danny showed up and was suddenly planning birthday parties for Noa and inviting Rion and not her.

Exactly what the hell was wrong with Danny? Did he get hit on the head while he was in the city? Was he just trying to piss her off?

There was a jingle as the hotel door swung open. Sarina fixed a glare on Danny as he walked in, letting her head rest on one of her hands while she drilled her fingers against the tabletop. Danny spotted her, his eyebrows lifting. He paused to order himself a Coke and then came over to sit with her.

“What did I do to deserve that look?” he asked. “Can’t I at least say hello before you’re mad at me?”

“No,” Sarina said waspishly, “because you’re being a fucking dick. What the actual hell, Danny?”

He cracked open his pop and took a sip. He was so calm that it just pissed her off more.

“Okay, so like…what did I do?” Danny asked. “I asked you out for coffee. That makes me an asshole?”

“Like you didn’t think I’d find out about the birthday party that you organized for Noa!” she snapped. “And then you invited Rion! And you went out of your way to not invite me! Yeah, Danny, that makes you a huge fucking asshole!”

“Geez, Sarina… I didn’t organize the party or the invites,” Danny said, though he looked apologetic. Finally. “It was kind of Peter’s idea. And his parents. They didn’t want to invite you. And it wasn’t even a birthday party – it was just a get-together.”

Sarina opened her mouth to argue but nothing came out. She snapped it closed, glowering. Danny had derailed her completely.

Peter… So it wasn’t entirely Danny’s fault. As much as she wanted to be mad at Danny, she couldn’t pin all her anger on him. The Murphys would have final say about who was invited over to their house. Still…

“Monique said it was your idea,” Sarina told him.

“Well, I mean, I might have made suggestions…” Danny said, taking another sip of his drink. “I’ve been hearing things about you… You’re not making a great case for yourself. It shouldn’t be a surprise that you’re not welcome at the Murphys.”

“A case? For myself?” Sarina repeated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“People are saying you’re beating up Rion,” Danny said. “He has a black eye to prove it. You really think anyone was going to put you and Rion in the same room together?”

“I don’t beat up Rion,” Sarina scoffed. “I just push him around a little, usually when he’s being a dick. It’s not like he can’t take it – he’s a guy. He should just get over himself and man up.”

“Whooooa, wait. Excuse me. What?” Danny said, balking.

Sarina waved a hand dismissively, though Danny’s reaction made her inwardly recoil. Why did he sound upset?

“Maybe you don’t know but Rion cut up his friendship bracelet,” Sarina said. “The one Amber herself made him. Remember? He’s been a total dick since Amber… Since she passed away.”

She half raised her arm to show Danny her own bracelet, but Danny had already raised his. He was still wearing his bracelet too. That dimmed the uneasy feeling that was forming in the pit of her stomach. At least, it did a little bit.

“I heard all about that,” Danny said. “That’s not an excuse to beat on him though. And saying all that crap… What’s wrong with you?”

“Like I said, I don’t beat on him,” Sarina said. “Rion brought this on himself. I don’t know why you’re siding with him.”

“He’s my friend,” Danny said. “Sarina, he has a black eye. That isn’t nothing! That’s really bad! Like, you hurt him bad enough to bruise. What if you broke his nose? Or an arm or a leg or… This kind of thing is serious!”

“Rion’s the one who started it!”

“He hit you first?”

“No! He wrecked his bracelet and he’s been a total asshole since!”

Danny let out a sound of frustration. He reached up and scrubbed at his face hastily before he let his hands drop to the tabletop.

“Okay,” he puffed out. “Run everything by me. What exactly has Rion done? What makes him an asshole? I need your side of the story. Give me details.”

Sarina had to pause. She felt breathless from getting so worked up. She took another sip of coffee, trying to collect her racing thoughts.

She had to make Danny understand.

“He calls me names,” Sarina started. “He’ll call me a bitch or even…even a…the ‘c’ word.”

She lowered her voice. She didn’t care about swearing, but her parents would lose it if she used ‘prick’ or ‘cunt’. Those were the only words she could get in serious shit for so she had to use them sparingly. News traveled fast in Misty Meadows. Sarina didn’t need to go home and have her parents freak out on her just because she was trying to explain herself to Danny.

“Seriously?” Danny said, eyebrows going up. “Rion’s said that to you?”

“Yeah,” Sarina said. “He’ll say those things to my other friends too. They can vouch for me.”

“Okay,” Danny said. “And was this before or after you started…‘pushing him around’?”

“I don’t know. Doesn’t matter,” Sarina said, though she was sure it was after. “He’ll hit me back too. Look.”

She turned to the side to show Danny her upper arm. The bruise was very faded but it was still there from where Rion hit her.

“He shouldn’t hit you,” Danny said. “But you shouldn’t hit him either. How’d you get that?”

“He took a swing at me,” Sarina said. “He doesn’t give a shit about Amber or anyone else. He just shrugs off any conversation like it doesn’t matter, like Amber doesn’t matter. And now he’s trying to be all friendly and cute with you. It’s the kind of thing he used to do with Noa.”

“Sarina, what on Earth are you talking about?” Danny said. “Rion and Noa have always been best friends.”

“Oh, come on, Danny,” Sarina scoffed. “Rion was always about having Noa all to himself. You know exactly what I mean.”

It had always been a sore spot for Sarina. The whole Noa and Rion thing…

Sarina had always liked Noa, from the moment the rumours hit town, before he even moved in or she met him face to face. People talked about how he was a sweet kid in a tough situation. His dad was a psycho who beat his wife to death and tried to drown Noa, to kill his own son. Everyone knew the story.

Sarina felt for Noa. She had known he was going to be in the same grade as her and she’d wanted to be his friend. She’d decided it before she even met him. And when she did meet him, her opinion had increased tenfold. Noa had been a quiet, gentle boy. He was easy to like.

Then Rion had come along out of nowhere. Suddenly they were best friends and Rion pushed Sarina out of the way. He used that comic of theirs to make fun of her and they were always doing things together, Rion always hanging out with Noa. There was no room for her.

Sarina never liked Rion. He was the weird, quiet kid with the weird, quiet dad. Rion’s mom had died when they were all little, like when they were in kindergarten or something. She didn’t remember Rion even being broken up about that. She probably wouldn’t have known what happened if the whole town didn’t gossip.

Maybe Rion was some kind of unfeeling psycho?

“I don’t know what you mean, actually,” Danny said. “And that has nothing to do with my relationship with Rion. He’s not being ‘cute’ or whatever. He’s just being himself and honestly? He seems really hurt and lonely.”

“He’s probably just manipulating you,” Sarina said. “You’re a good person, Danny. You can’t see it because you don’t want to. He’s a two-faced, back-stabbing liar.”

“What else has he done then?” Danny asked. “What’s he done to you?”

“Other than what I told you about? And the obvious?” Sarina said, gesturing to her bruise. “He’s stolen my stuff before. And wrecked my homework. Some of the most awful things come out of his mouth and he’ll lose his shit for no reason.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, he’ll have a meltdown or a freakout. He gets to be a total psycho, losing it when no one’s even doing anything to him. He’s fucked in the head. The guy will have a fit over nothing but then shrug off stuff about Amber.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. …What? What is it?” Sarina said. Danny was frowning, staring right at her. He looked concerned, almost disapproving. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“The way you were talking about freakouts, it kind of made me think of…” Danny began but then gave his head a shake. “Would you say he…panics or something? For no apparent reason?”

“I guess?” Sarina said. “I figured it was just to get us in trouble. Or to get out of class. He lost it in Chemistry once and got suspended for a couple days, I think.”

“It seems like…” Danny began and then hesitated. “I mean, Noa’s kind of like that too, right?”

“What?” Sarina said. “What are you talking about?”

“Remember when we were at the graveyard?” Danny said. “Noa closed his eyes and stood there and…he pretty much started hyperventilating. I mean, that’s different from what you’re saying about Rion, but…”

“Noa has panic attacks, Danny. He’s got all this shit he’s been through so you can’t even blame him,” Sarina said. “Rion doesn’t. His little fits are nothing like Noa and his breakdowns.”

Danny opened his mouth and then closed it. He paused, obviously thinking it over. Finally, he let out a long breath.

“Okay. Right. You know what? How about this?” Danny said. “I’ll talk to Rion.”

“And what’s that going to do?” Sarina said with a dismissive snort.

“I’ll talk to him about the stuff he’s done to you and make sure that he knows it’s not okay,” Danny said. “He’ll probably listen to me. We’re friends. Maybe I can convince him to apologize to you or something. Then you can apologize to him, and… I mean, that won’t fix things but it’s a start. Right?”

Sarina pinched her lips together. She hated the idea of having to apologize to Rion. She really, really didn’t want to do it. After all, she hadn’t done anything wrong. If anything, she was dishing out justice.

But…having Rion apologize… That was too good to pass up.

“I don’t think he’ll do it,” Sarina said.

“You let me worry about that,” Danny said. “If he says he will, you can meet up. If he doesn’t follow through, I’ll talk to him. And if he doesn’t want to say sorry, I’ll find out why and try to change his mind. Sarina, let me help. You don’t want things to be like this, do you? Don’t you remember how great it used to be when we were all together as kids?”

Sarina remembered, though she never considered herself to be Rion’s friend. She missed spending time with the others; hanging out at the lake, making friendship bracelets, wasting quarters at the beat-up arcade machine at the rink, biking around town…

And Sarina missed Amber.

She missed the days when she hung out with Amber and Celeste. She missed being the cool younger girl who was included with the older girls. She liked how they’d paid attention to her, how they’d always let her join in. She missed gossiping about cute boys with them and she missed the special way Amber would smile when she talked about Jesse. She missed Amber’s laugh and her sense of humour and…

“I wish things were different,” Sarina said. “I wish Amber was still with us.”

“Me too,” Danny said without hesitation. “But you know what? Amber would hate to see us the way we are now. It would break her heart, don’t you think?”

Sarina felt a stab of guilt. Danny was right. Amber wouldn’t have wanted any of them fighting.

But Amber wouldn’t have been happy with Rion for wrecking his friendship bracelet. And she was gone now, making everything she left behind so, so precious.

Rion was the one in the wrong.

“Amber wouldn’t be happy, but Rion would have broken her heart ten times over,” Sarina said bitterly. “I should have kept Rion’s bracelet. I shouldn’t have given it back to him even if it was ruined. It’s probably long gone by now.”

“I don’t think so,” Danny said. “Rion offered to show it to me. I don’t think he can bring himself to throw it away. I mean…maybe he wrecked it in the first place because he got emotional?”

“He sure didn’t seem emotional,” Sarina said. “He couldn’t give two shits when we all found out.”

“I’ll ask him about it,” Danny said. “Listen Sarina…I want to work things out. I want to make things better. You want that too, right? Work with me here.”

Sarina heaved a sigh. “I want to work with you, Danny. It’s just… Rion is a problem. He’s the problem.”

“I know that’s what you think,” Danny said and held up his hands when she shot him a look, “and you might be right! But I need to work with Rion to figure that out.”

“Even if he lies and stabs you in the back?” Sarina asked. “Danny, I’m going to be pissed if he hurts you.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Sarina, you’re already pissed. I don’t know how he could hurt me. And if he does stab me in the back or whatever, I’ll call him out on it. I’m not rolling over and giving up. I want to get to the bottom of this. Okay?”

“Fine,” Sarina said. “Good luck, then. You’re gonna need it.”

“Hey! Danny! Sarina!”

The voice calling out to them was a familiar one. Celeste had just come to the restaurant portion of the hotel from the bar side. There was only a hall and a door between them, the restaurant portion being family friendly and the bar side being… Well, it was a bar and they served alcohol.

Celeste walked over to their table. She had some plastic bags in hand and they looked heavy. Both Danny and Sarina sat straighter in their seats when they turned to greet her.

“Celeste. Hey,” Danny said, flashing her a smile. “What are you doing here?”

“My dad wants to have a barbeque this Saturday so he asked me to pick up some things for him,” Celeste said and then raised one of her bags. “He wanted beer.”

“Oh, cool,” Danny said. “That sounds nice.”

While Celeste nodded in agreement, Sarina asked, “Did you walk here?”

“Yes, it’s really nice out,” Celeste said. “The weather is perfect this time of year. There’s not as many bugs and it’s finally starting to get colder.”

“Are you going to be okay going back with those bags?” Sarina said. “They look heavy.”

“Hm? Oh, it’s not that bad,” Celeste said and then hesitated. “Oh. Sorry. Am I interrupting? Were you two on a date?”

Sarina had already started shaking her head but Danny quickly said, “Oh, no no! Not a date!”

“We’re just hanging out,” Sarina said.

Sarina might have contemplated going out with Danny once or twice as a second choice (after Noa, of course). Now it was weird to even think about. Danny felt more like a brother to her; the kind of brother who was cool and fun, unlike her real brother. Travis was born a loser.

“Oh, right. You said you were meeting up with Sarina today, didn’t you?” Celeste said to Danny.

He smiled and laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah. I did. We were just catching up on stuff.”

“We’re pretty much done.” Sarina slid out of her seat. “Let me help you home with those bags.”

“Oh. Wait,” Danny said. “Sarina, about the whole thing with–”

“You get back to me when you’ve got that apology ready,” Sarina said, cutting him off. “Then we’ll talk. Okay?”

“Okay,” Danny agreed. “I guess I’ll let you know how things go.”

Sarina held out a hand, wanting to take one of the bags. Reluctantly, Celeste handed her one.

“Are you sure you want to help?” Celeste asked. “I’m fine to take it myself.”

“It’s cool. I want to do a bit of catching up anyway,” Sarina said. “See you, Danny.”

Celeste and Sarina said their goodbyes to Danny and then headed out. Like Celeste said, the autumn air was feeling much cooler already. It was warm out only a few days ago but now it was already getting chilly, some of the leaves changing colour. It was like a switch had flicked and the weather started to turn.

Sarina walked down the road with Celeste. They were pretty much neighbours so they weren’t strangers to walking home together.

Sarina’s family lived on an acreage at the edge of town. Where their family’s property ended, Celeste’s family’s farmlands began. The Labelles had some fields that they farmed, but a portion of their land was dedicated to several greenhouses where they grew all kinds of plants and flowers. Sometimes even people from out of town came to shop there and they’d grown quite a reputation.

There was talk around the town that maybe within the next ten years or so, Misty Meadows might develop into a city. With some popular local shops like the Labelle greenhouses, and the fact that they had a small hospital on one side of town, it was a possibility. Sarina had her doubts since they didn’t even have a proper grocery store, just a shop with a mix of everything from produce to movie rentals. There wasn’t even really a restaurant, other than the hotel, which doubled as a bar…

“You’re sure you don’t mind helping me?” Celeste asked as they walked.

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal,” Sarina said. “We haven’t hung out in ages anyway. How’ve you been?”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “I’m glad that Danny’s back in town. I really missed him.”

“Yeah,” Sarina agreed. She had missed him a lot more when she didn’t know he was back in contact with Rion. “Hey, um… You were at Noa’s party the other day, right?”

“Yes,” Celeste said, hesitating because of the abrupt subject change. Or maybe it was the subject itself. “It wasn’t really a party for Noa… He hasn’t celebrated his birthday since Amber passed away. I mean, it must be really hard on him since she died on the fourth and then his birthday’s on the ninth…”

“Yeah,” Sarina said, cringing. “Yeah, that must be really hard on him. I don’t blame him…”

“It’s too bad that you weren’t invited,” Celeste said. “It seemed like it was because of Rion. I know you don’t get along with him but… Well… Peter really didn’t want to invite you.”

Sarina was hurt but not surprised by that. Peter caught her in the middle of a fight with Rion once. He’d flipped out on her and been cold and standoffish since.

The fight looked a lot worse than it was. That was probably why. Rion tripped over his own feet and gave himself a bloody nose by smacking his face into the dirt. He was a mess before Sarina reached him. There wasn’t even that much blood but when Peter had shown up, no matter what Sarina said, he acted like she’d been trying to murder Rion. Which was totally unfair.

“Peter and I don’t really get along anymore,” Sarina was forced to admit. “But, um… More importantly, how’s Noa? You saw him, right?”

Celeste nodded. “I saw him. Actually, it was… It was a little crazy.”

“Crazy? What, did Noa act out or something? Another panic attack or…?”

“No, no,” Celeste said, shaking her head. “He was… He almost started acting like he used to. You know, before Amber died.”

“What?” Sarina said in surprise. Then she smiled, hopeful. “Really? That’s great!”

Celeste returned her smile. “Yes, it is. But, um… Well, he was his usual quiet self at first. Then Rion finally arrived and Noa… He started talking and showing us things and he was just so much more animated than I’ve seen in years.”

As hopefully as Sarina had been at the news, her mood dropped abruptly. The idea that Rion could make Noa act like his old self made her nauseous. That wasn’t right. It couldn’t be…

“Rion, huh?” Sarina said, trying not to sound bitter. “That’s… Hm.”

“I think that’s why the Murphys wanted to invite Rion over,” Celeste said. “Because Noa had a reaction when he was brought up at the graveyard. I wasn’t too sure how it was going to go with Rion around, but it really worked, you know?”

Sarina shrugged. She didn’t want to think too hard about it.

“It’s good that Noa was talking and stuff,” Sarina said, trying to focus on the positive. “It’s a good sign. Maybe all that therapy is finally working.”

“I hope so,” Celeste said and then hesitated. “Actually… Um… While it was great to see Noa talking and being more like his old self…it seems like he’s still really fragile. He…he wanted us to come up to his room and then… We thought it would be a good idea to check Amber’s old room. Apparently, it’s just storage now but…you know…”

Sarina did know. She would have liked to see Amber’s room too, like a confirmation that all of Amber’s old stuff was gone and that the room was cleaned out, different, alien. It was a morbid sense of curiosity.

“I know exactly what you mean,” Sarina said. “So, what was it like?”

“We didn’t get to look,” Celeste said. “Noa had a bad reaction. He seems to think that Amber’s room is…that it’s haunted or something. It made me feel so bad for him.”

Sarina fell silent. What could she say to that?

After Amber died, Noa had changed. It was like part of him had died with her or he had just given up. Sarina visited him several times after the fire and Noa… He’d been totally vacant. The Murphys described Noa as being unresponsive, but that word had never done it justice.

To hear that Noa was afraid of Amber haunting him was almost physically painful. Were those the kinds of thoughts he had all these years? Was it some kind of guilt that was festering and eating away at him this whole time? All because he couldn’t save Amber from the fire?

Sarina remembered him saying something like that. When Rion and Noa had been found, before Noa had totally shut down, it had been the only thing he seemed able to say – that it was all his fault.

He had a nasty burn on his hand, the scar still there today, from where he’d grabbed onto a doorknob that had been burning hot from the fire. There was no question that Noa tried to save Amber. Despite reassurances that everyone had given him, Noa didn’t seem to ever be convinced.

It was really, really sad.

Celeste and Sarina were silent the rest of the way, until they reached the driveway to Celeste’s place. They came to a stop.

“I think the Murphys are going to invite Rion over again, since Noa had a good reaction to him,” Celeste said. “Maybe we could arrange something though. I mean, so that you can see Noa too. I know you must miss him.”

“I do,” Sarina said, meaning it. “I haven’t spent time with him in forever. I’d really like to, you know, hang out.”

“Are you maybe going to work things out with Rion?” Celeste asked. “I don’t really know what’s going on with him but he seems… I don’t know. He was normal when he was at the Murphys’.”

She looked hopeful but Sarina didn’t want to lie. She shook her head.

“I don’t know. Danny wants me to work things out,” Sarina said. “We’ll see, I guess.”

“What Rion did with his friendship bracelet was awful,” Celeste said. “I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw him but he seems okay. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to hear him out?”

“Maybe,” Sarina said reluctantly.

Celeste reached out and took the bag Sarina had been carrying. She offered her a smile.

“We should hang out some time,” Celeste said. “If not with Noa and everyone, then maybe just the two of us.”

“Yeah,” Sarina said, a lot less reluctant at that idea. “I’d like that. It’s been a while.”

“I still have your number. I’ll give you a call,” Celeste said.

They said their goodbyes and parted ways. Sarina headed back home, walking along the road by herself. She had a lot to mull over but the idea of hanging out with Celeste again, and maybe Noa, left her feeling a bit better.

But she was not looking forward to dealing with Rion. Not one bit.

Chapter 13 – Noa

Tuesday, May 3, 1994

The drive from Starpoint City to the town of Misty Meadows was an hour long. To Noa, it felt like they’d been on the road the entire day.

Uncle Charlie talked to him for a while. When Noa didn’t respond, he ran out of things to say and turned the radio on, keeping the volume down. It was only a small relief and Noa found himself leaning into the car door, watching fields fly by the window. He locked his gaze on the power lines and watched as they appeared to dip and rise again like waves.

Noa hadn’t seen the Murphy family in years. He had a memory of playing with his cousins before his mother and Aunt Elaine started fighting, screaming at each other about something. His father had come, scooped him up in his arms, and they’d all piled in the car and went home in a furious rush.

Of course, his aunt and uncle had come to see him in the hospital before picking him up today. Noa had seen them a few times and they’d talked. His other aunt had visited too, his father’s sister, Keiko. Noa hadn’t seen her since he was five. He didn’t feel like he knew her any better than the Murphys.

It scared him.

He wanted his parents, his father. He wanted someone familiar. He didn’t like being with these people who were almost strangers. It didn’t help that Noa barely had any of his things with him. He had a suitcase of clothes and a few toys from home but nothing else.

The whole situation made Noa tense and nauseous. Or maybe it was the medicine they’d given him before he left the hospital. He only took it because the grown ups said it would make his fractured rib hurt less. He thought it might be working but he still felt sick. Wasn’t the medicine supposed to make him feel better?

It was the kind of sick he felt when he was nervous. It was the feeling he had whenever his parents yelled and hit each other. His hands felt hot and his chest was tight. He hated it and it wouldn’t go away.

“There’s Misty Meadows, Noa,” Uncle Charlie finally spoke up. “We’re almost home.”

The statement made Noa feel worse. Home… This wasn’t home. Still, he lifted his head, facing forward as they made a turn, a big wooden sign welcoming them to town.

Noa grew up in the city. He was used to being surrounded by buildings and cement. Out here, the fields and prairie parted for a town to sprout up between everything. The main roads were paved but some of the side roads they passed were gravel. The sidewalks all looked small and cracked. Everything seemed old and weathered to Noa.

There were a few taller buildings – Noa could spot the church and the hospital right away – but there was a hill, making it hard to see the whole town when you first drove in. As they came over the hill, Noa spotted the school. It was long and flat, with a small, worn playground, and a big field with a baseball diamond next to it. There wasn’t a fence around anything, all of it open with a line of bushes around one side of the grounds.

Noa turned his eyes away from it. He didn’t want to think about school. People called him weird in the city and he’d always been alone. He didn’t think that would change in Misty Meadows, but… He was going to be the new kid. And he hated the idea of having attention on him.

He wanted to disappear.

Uncle Charlie drove the car up to a house on the end of a street, surrounded by a whole thicket of trees. As the car pulled into the driveway, Noa saw a flash of something in the front window of the house. His uncle got out of the car as the front door swung open and his aunt and cousins came out to greet them.

Noa sank low in his seat. He didn’t want to leave the car and face them. He wasn’t given much of a choice when his aunt came over, opening his door for him.

“Hi, Noa,” she greeted him warmly. “It’s nice to see you again.”

Noa didn’t look up at her. He kept his eyes down as he answered with a quiet, “Hello.”

“I think he’s still feeling the meds,” Noa could hear Uncle Charlie saying. “Seemed like he was dozing off on the ride here, not that I blame him. It’s a bit of a drive.”

“A little extra rest never hurt,” Aunt Elaine said.

“Hi, Noa!” came a cheerful greeting from Amber.

Noa briefly glanced up at Amber and Peter who had come to stand next to the car with Aunt Elaine. Amber was smiling widely, dark hair pulled back into braided pigtails. She waved at him. Peter was a little more reserved, but he was also smiling and bright eyed.

“Hey, Noa,” Peter added.

Noa looked down again. He wished he could slide out of his seat to the floor of the car and curl up into a ball.

“Do you need help getting out of the car?” Aunt Elaine asked.

Noa shook his head. He undid his seatbelt and slid it flat against the seat while trying to avoid turning and hurting his side. It was hard to do but he didn’t want the seatbelt to get twisted up. His mother always hated when that happened.

Noa was also stalling.

He slid out of the car. He could stand but it made him woozy. He blinked a few times, trying to steady himself.

“How are you feeling?” his aunt asked him. “Are you hungry or thirsty? You should maybe come inside and sit.”

Noa shrugged. He had no idea what he wanted but he didn’t think eating or sitting would make much difference.

“Dad, can I help with Noa’s luggage?” he heard Amber ask.

“Thanks sweetie, but it’s okay. I got it,” Uncle Charlie said.

“There’s only one suitcase?”

“Yep.”

“What about Noa’s stuff?” Peter asked. “That can’t be everything.”

“Don’t worry about it,” his uncle said. “I’m just going to take this up to Noa’s room… Hey, Noa? Did you want to sit for a while, get the tour, or maybe see your room?”

That was too many options. Noa didn’t know what to say or how to answer. He was still looking down, studying his aunt’s flip-flops.

Aunt Elaine had done her toenails in pink nail polish. He’d never seen his mother do that before. She only painted her fingernails. She liked a sparkly red colour and she would always repaint it when it got chipped. It had to look perfect…

Thinking about nail polish was a distraction from answering his uncle’s question. He couldn’t decide. He didn’t want to. He would for sure pick the wrong thing and end up in trouble. Noa was stupid like that.

“Why don’t you come up to see your room,” his aunt suggested, narrowing things down for him. “Is that okay?”

He nodded, grateful the decision was being made for him. They went into the house together. Noa’s aunt guided him with a hand on his shoulder.

Amber and Peter were barefoot and went into the house ahead of them, springing up the steps after Uncle Charlie, who had kicked off his shoes in the entrance. Aunt Elaine stepped out of her flip flops too as she headed in. The shoes were all just a messy pile in the entrance.

Noa wasn’t used to things being so unorganized. He would get in trouble for leaving his things like that at home. It made him hesitate as he stepped out of his own shoes.

Noa was afraid to bend over because of how it would make his rib ache. That made it a little tricky and he had to step on the heels of his shoes to get out of them. He used his feet to shuffle his shoes to the side, lining them up next to each other neatly.

“Your room is up this way,” Aunt Elaine said, “just upstairs here.”

Noa snuck a peek at the entranceway. The house seemed warm and cozy, the floors hardwood. A hesitant glance up the staircase caused unease to blossom in his chest.

Back home, his room was upstairs.

The bathroom had been upstairs too.

Noa’s last memories of home were of the flooded bathroom floor, everything cold and wet, and his father–

He focused on the steps, refusing to think about it. These stairs were different, the whole house was different, but it made him nervous anyway. That anxious feeling weighed heavily on him, tingling in his limbs like an itch beneath his skin.

Amber was at the top of the stairs. She was all smiles. He didn’t understand her excitement. Noa met her gaze briefly but then looked down at the steps as he started to go up.

“You guys are coming, right?” Amber said.

“There’s no rush,” Aunt Elaine said.

“I want to show Noa my room once he’s seen his,” Amber said.

“I want to show him my room too!” Peter said from somewhere behind her.

“He’ll get to see the whole house. Let him take his time,” Aunt Elaine said, a smile in her voice. “He just got here. Don’t put too much pressure on him.”

Noa wasn’t sure what he expected the upstairs to be like. The first thing he saw in the hall was carpet and that was already different. They passed a bathroom near the steps and Noa was more than relieved to see there was a shower instead of a bathtub when he snuck a fleeting glance through the door. There were four other rooms down the hall past that, all of them bedrooms. Noa’s was closest to the stairs.

“We thought about decorating but we didn’t know what you liked,” Uncle Charlie said when Noa stepped into his room. His suitcase had already been placed next to the bed. “We found you a desk and a bookshelf. We’ll have to fill that up for you.”

Noa risked raising his gaze for a better look around the room. It was less cramped than his old room. The view out the window was better too, facing out towards the sunny backyard. There was a bed, dresser, and the bookshelf and desk that were mentioned. It was nice but it didn’t really feel like it was Noa’s. He felt like he was moving into a guest room.

“What do you think?” his aunt asked.

Noa glanced her way before looking down again. “It’s very nice, Aunt Elaine.”

“I’m glad you think so,” she said.

“We’ll add to it so that it’s not so empty in here,” Uncle Charlie said. “We can decorate it however you want.”

Noa nodded, so that they knew he was listening. He didn’t need to decorate and he didn’t care if it was empty.

“There’s a lake not far from here,” his aunt said. “We have a cabin that we go to on the odd weekend. You’ll have that to look forward to.”

“We’ve set you up for school too,” his uncle added. “There’s going to be a lot going on for a while. Just let us know if it’s getting to be too much.”

It was already too much. Noa didn’t know what to do or say. Nothing was familiar and there were too many people and too much to think about.

“Can we show Noa the rest of the house now?” Amber asked from the door. “I want to give him the tour.”

“Maybe,” his uncle said. “What do you think, Noa?”

Noa wanted to say no. Could he say no? Was that allowed? Would they get mad? But he really didn’t want to wander around the house with his cousins.

“…Or maybe you’d rather unpack and get settled?” his aunt asked.

That was a much more tempting offer. Noa nodded.

“Aw, but why?” Peter said. “Unpacking is boring.”

“Tell you what,” Uncle Charlie said, heading for the door. Noa ducked away from him as he passed. “Why don’t we let Mom help Noa unpack and while they do that, we make some supper?”

“But that’s boring too!”

“We’ll make it fun! And if you help, I’ll let you have an extra hour on the Nintendo tonight.”

“Oh, okay! Let’s go, then!”

Amber laughed. “You’re so easy to bribe, Peter.”

Peter’s protests grew distant as he left with Amber and Uncle Charlie, heading downstairs. Noa was left alone with Aunt Elaine.

He stared at his suitcase. Taking out what little he had should have been easy, but for some reason he didn’t know where to start. It felt wrong to unpack. It felt wrong to get comfortable in a room that wasn’t his.

“You can sit and rest,” Aunt Elaine offered, coming around. “I can put things away for you.”

He was happy that she told him what to do, but he still couldn’t bring himself to move. Aunt Elaine didn’t wait for him, going for the suitcase and opening it up. It was full of clothes and not much else so it was easy for her to start transferring things to the dresser.

Noa didn’t want to get in trouble for standing there so he quickly moved to help.

“No, no. You shouldn’t be lifting anything,” his aunt was quick to say. “Even if it’s just clothes. You could hurt yourself. I can put your things away. Just tell me where you want them.”

“…Okay,” Noa said.

He felt guilty and bad for making her put away his things. Reluctantly, he sat on the edge of the bed while his aunt unloaded his suitcase.

“Do you have some toys with you?” Aunt Elaine asked. “I’m not seeing too much in here…”

“I don’t know,” Noa said.

“Hm… Maybe we can see about getting more of your things. I’ll try to track down what I can for you. With everything that happened… I mean, I’m sure that your things are being kept somewhere.”

Noa could see the tension in Aunt Elaine. Without looking at her face, he could tell that she was upset. Her hands gripped a stack of his shirts just a little too long and a little too tight. His mother always did that when she was mad, grabbing things tight and squeezing...

Noa shied away from his aunt, turning away.

“Noa?”

He hesitated, not wanting to face her, but finally forced himself to glance up at Aunt Elaine. He didn’t expect the soft, almost concerned look she was giving him.

“I know that this is a really big change for you,” she said. “But I want you to know that…that we want you here. We’re happy to have you stay with us. You’re safe here and you can tell Uncle Charlie and me anything. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said automatically because he knew he was supposed to agree.

His aunt sounded sincere, but he didn’t believe her.

“Can I talk to you about something?” Aunt Elaine said.

Noa nodded.

His aunt pushed aside the now empty suitcase and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. She took a breath, turning to him.

“Your mom and I, when we were young, we grew up a bit like you did,” Aunt Elaine said. “Our father, your grandfather… He wasn’t a good person. He would yell a lot and throw things…sometimes he would hurt people too. He did bad things…”

She paused, hesitating. Noa bit the inside of his cheek. He didn't want to hear this. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to know what his aunt had been through or remember his own situation.

His mother was dead and his father was going to jail and he had to live here now.

“I know that it’s hard,” Aunt Elaine said. “I just wanted you to know that… I can’t understand what you’ve been through, but I can empathize with you, just a little. None of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong and what happened was a terrible thing.”

“Okay.”

The word came out of Noa, cold and dismissive. He hated that he said it but fortunately, it didn’t seem to bother his aunt. She gave him a small smile.

“Okay,” she said to him. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. We’re going to take you to see a therapist too, all right? But we can talk about it later. We’ll do everything one step at a time and if you feel overwhelmed, just let us know.”

“Okay,” Noa said again.

He didn’t know what to think about the things she was telling him. A therapist? Why? He didn’t get it. He wasn’t crazy, was he? Crazy people went to see therapists, right?

“Thank you, Noa,” she said. “I love you. Can I get a hug?”

She spread her arms a little and Noa stared at her. He understood the gesture, but he couldn’t remember when someone last tried to hug him. He wasn’t sure if it had been that long ago or if his memory was fuzzy from almost having drowned and all the medication he’d had during his stay in the hospital.

Noa shook his head.

“O-okay,” his aunt said, faltering. She put her arms down. “I understand. I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

“Okay,” Noa said.

His aunt let out a breath and they sat for a moment in awkward silence.

“So…” Aunt Elaine finally began again, “is there anything you want or need? I don’t know how long it will take for us to get your things back. Is there anything you like to do or play with?”

“I like drawing,” Noa said.

“We’ll get you art supplies,” his aunt said. “Is there anything else?”

“Colouring…painting…” Noa said, thinking about it. “I like…um…music too. And folding paper into things… Origami.”

“Origami! I know how to make the little paper cranes,” Aunt Elaine said. “Is there anything else you’d like? Any toys? Do you like cars or dinosaurs…? Anything like that?”

“Dinosaurs are cool,” Noa said.

“And how about video games? Peter is really into those.”

“I’m not good at them…”

“We have a Super Nintendo and a Game Boy. I’m sure Peter would love to show them to you. He was really excited to have you move in so I’m sure he’d be happy to play with you. But you’ll have to take turns with Peter and Amber.”

“Okay.”

“Is there anything else you want?” Aunt Elaine asked. “Anything else you can think of?”

Noa knew he had things back at home but thinking about it made him miserable. More than missing his things, he missed his parents. Even if it wasn’t always good at home, even if his parents’ fights were scary, if his parents were scary, he wished things were the same. He hated that he was here, not knowing what was going to happen and hearing awful things about his father…

“I want to go home,” Noa whispered.

“Oh, Noa… I’m so sorry,” Aunt Elaine said. “You can’t… We can’t do that…”

Noa closed his eyes, shutting them tight. He knew that. He knew. It wasn’t a secret. He wasn’t that stupid.

He didn’t mean to say it. He knew it was impossible. He knew he couldn’t go home and that even if he did, nothing would be the same. But he wished it could be. He wanted things to be familiar again, more than anything.

His eyes were stinging. He didn’t want his aunt to see him cry but there was nothing he could do to stop. He hid his face in his hands, trying to curl inward. It made his side ache.

“I’m so sorry,” his aunt said.

He felt her hand lightly touch his shoulder. Her words, her touch, everything about her made him hurt a thousand times more, like needles stabbing at his heart, and he failed to stop a distressed whine from escaping his throat. He was embarrassed, mortified at being seen like this.

“I know it’s really hard,” Aunt Elaine said, still trying to soothe him. “It’s normal to be upset. I know that this is really scary for you. What happened was wrong. It was a terrible thing. It’s not okay.”

She was right, it wasn’t okay, and it was an unexpected, overwhelming relief to hear it.

It almost hurt in a good way, like someone was finally, finally telling him the truth. He’d already had people tell him things were going to be okay, that it would get better – hospital staff and some of the other people who had seen him, Aunt Keiko – and he hadn’t realized how much he hated hearing it.

It wasn’t okay and he didn’t want to be told that it was going to get better. Everything was terrible right now. It didn’t matter if things got better eventually. Noa was hurting now and the promise of what he might feel eventually was meaningless and hollow. It made him frustrated and angry and…

He broke down completely, sobbing into his hands. Aunt Elaine pulled him into a gentle hug, soothing him, running hands through his hair. He hated being seen like this but he was too upset to hide or resist. Instead, he leaned into his aunt and her warmth.

Somehow, even though everything was terrible, being held by his aunt made him feel safer than he had in a long time.

Chapter 14 – Rion

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Danny called on Friday night and, talking for a bit, Rion agreed to hang out Saturday morning. He set an alarm and got up early, deciding to have breakfast for once. He ate some toast and had coffee while he waited.

Rion was in a daze since he’d seen Noa. He hadn’t even looked at their old comic yet. He kept going over his memories of the other day, of seeing Noa, touching him, holding his hand, and spending time with him. He’d sat with Noa on the couch and they’d done stuff with the others like when they were kids… It had been a little awkward, but more than worth it to be with Noa again.

But Noa hadn’t accepted Rion’s friendship bracelet.

Rion didn’t understand his refusal. He hadn’t had time to talk to Noa about it and he wasn’t sure how to get that kind of opportunity again. He wasn’t sure if he should call Noa and if he invited him over, he was worried that Noa would refuse or someone would come with him, like Peter. And Rion needed Noa alone if they were going to have a proper conversation.

He should have given him the bracelet years ago. He should have slipped it in Noa’s room or something. He hadn’t been thinking, and now…

He was lucky that no one seemed to have noticed that Noa was missing his bracelet. If they found out it was gone, they’d be angry, right? And if Noa told them the truth…

Rion vividly remembered how they treated him when they thought he’d wrecked his bracelet. He was lucky that both his and Noa’s bracelet were the same pattern with the same colours in the inverse. He was able to lie, to take the blame and the anger. If they turned on Noa…

No. Rion would never let that happen.

If they turned on Noa, he’d defend him if it was the last thing he did. He’d do anything for Noa. He didn’t even care if–

The doorbell rang and Rion shot out of his seat, startled. Giving his head a shake, he hurried to answer it. Danny was on his doorstep, grinning at him.

“Hey, Rion!” he said. “Good morning!”

“Morning,” Rion said. “Come on in.”

Danny stepped inside, closing the door and kicking off his shoes.

“I can’t stay too late. Dad and I are going back to the lake this afternoon,” he said. “There’s so much stuff we have to do, you know?”

“Sure,” Rion said. “You still want to play some games and stuff, right?”

“Yeah, of course!” Danny said. “Oh, Mom and Dad also wanted to have you over for supper sometime when you’re free. They said you could tell me what works or just give the house a call.”

“…Maybe. I’ll let you know,” Rion said. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to sit through an awkward family dinner. “Did you want anything to eat or drink?”

“Nah, I’m good. Just had breakfast. Dad made eggs-benny,” Danny said with a grin. “That’s the nice thing about it just being me and the parents – I get to eat all of my parents’ amazing cooking without having to share.”

Rion couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah… I remember your dad used to make some amazing burgers.”

“Right?” Danny said with a grin. “Maybe I’ll talk him into doing burgers next weekend. If it’s nice enough maybe we can barbeque.”

They headed into the living room. Rion let Danny browse the games and pick something out while he hung back, taking a seat on the couch.

“Hm…you’ve got too many options,” Danny said. He glanced back at Rion. “Oh! I talked to Sarina the other day.”

Rion tried not to react. It was hard not to cringe, wondering what Sarina might have said or done to Danny. It made Rion instantly uneasy.

“Yeah?” Rion said.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “She, uh… It sounds like she’s done some messed up stuff. Like, she’s kind of how I remember but…also really different.”

Rion was surprised. He was used to people (mostly teachers at school) siding with Sarina or saying things like ‘she might fight you but she’s a girl – you should be nice to her’. As if that would help. People seemed to think that things would magically resolve themselves if he left Sarina alone; as if Sarina wasn’t the one hunting him down in the first place.

He didn’t expect Danny, who used to be Sarina’s best friend, to acknowledge that Sarina might have done something wrong.

“You think so?” Rion said, just to confirm it.

“Definitely,” Danny said. “She’s… I don’t know. She’s got issues. She had a lot of things to say about you too. But, um… Did you hit her? She’s got, like, this bruise on her arm. She said it was from you.”

Rion shrugged. “Yeah. And I’ve got a black eye.”

“So…you did hit her then?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you hit her first?”

Was that what Sarina told him? Rion felt his eyebrows go up.

“No? Not that it matters,” he said. “I got my arm free from Eric and since Sarina was right in front of me, I hit her.”

“Wait, what?!”

Danny was staring at him with wide eyes.

“Eric was involved?” Danny asked.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Sarina usually comes at me with a couple of her friends. Eric was there last time. Monique was there too, and Jolie, I think… Eric was the one pinning me down for Sarina. He’s got muscle so, you know… Kyle was sick that day otherwise he would have joined in too, probably.”

Danny stared at him, open mouthed. Rion didn’t understand why he was so surprised.

“What?” he said, holding out his hands. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“H-how long has Sarina been ganging up on you with her friends?!” Danny finally burst out, finding his voice. “That’s not okay! That’s so wrong! What the hell… She didn’t say anything about that!”

Rion shrugged. It didn’t matter to him. If Eric held him down or if Sarina threw herself at him, it didn’t make much difference.

“Whatever,” Rion said.

“No, not whatever!” Danny said. “Holy shit! I had no idea that… Fuck!”

Rion wasn’t sure he'd ever heard Danny swear. It was a shock. And Danny looked overwhelmed and flustered. Rion didn’t expect him to get this upset.

“Danny, it’s okay,” Rion tried again. “It doesn’t matter. Sarina’s just a bitch–”

Danny let out a humourless laugh. “That – that was another thing Sarina mentioned. She said you called her names but if she’s got her friends pinning you down so that she can beat you up, I think I have to agree with you!”

“It’s not a big deal,” Rion said.

“It is, Rion,” Danny said. “It’s a really big deal! No one should ever treat you like that, okay? I don’t care what you’ve done! Seriously, all this over a bracelet? You’ve got to be kidding me! This is insane!”

Rion could see that he wouldn’t be able to convince Danny. He couldn’t downplay it and if that was off the table, now would be a bad time to say that the beatings were okay because he deserved it. Because he didn’t have a way to explain why he deserved it.

Instead, he said, “So, are you going to talk to Sarina again? Or…?”

Danny got up. He came over and flopped down in the seat next to Rion. Then he pulled him into a hug. Rion was surprised and sat there for a moment before reaching around to awkwardly pat Danny’s back.

“Rion, I’m so sorry,” Danny said into his shoulder. “You should never have to put up with any of that.”

“I… Thanks?” Rion said, giving Danny more back pats. Danny needed this hug more than he did. In fact, it kind of hurt since Rion was still bruised and sore. “I’m okay, though. Really.”

Danny pulled back. He looked ready to cry.

“Why are you shrugging this off? This kind of thing is really bad!” Danny insisted. “What if Sarina was beating on me? What if she was doing it to Noa?”

“No. I wouldn’t let her,” Rion said sharply, without any hesitation.

He didn’t mean for the words to come out so harsh or abrupt, but he’d had a long time to think about his relationship with Sarina. He’d imagined what she might have done if she knew that Noa was the one who cut up his bracelet.

Noa came from an abusive home. If anyone was going to try and hurt him, Rion would do everything in his power to defend his best friend. It didn’t matter what lengths he had to go. He’d protect Noa.

And Danny too. Rion would admit that his feelings for Danny weren’t as strong, but they were still friends and Rion wouldn’t stand by and let Sarina or anyone else hurt him. But it was…different. Sarina wasn’t likely to hurt Danny since they’d always been friends. Rion was also sure that Danny would be a lot better at defending himself.

Danny might be shorter than Rion and Noa, but he definitely had more muscle on him. He was fit. Anyone would have a tougher time messing with Danny. And you would have to want to in the first place which was hard enough, considering that he was such a likeable guy.

“What makes me or Noa different from you?” Danny asked. “You shouldn’t get beat on any more than us. It’s just as bad.”

“Okay, it’s bad,” Rion was forced to concede, “but I’m handling it. Besides, I’m not exactly innocent here. I’ve done things to Sarina too.”

“Maybe, but you’re one guy and she’s getting her friends to hold you down and help her beat you up,” Danny said. “That’s not fair. That’s not okay. …Does she do that to other people?”

“I don’t know,” Rion said, but now he had to consider it. “I mean, Eric is worse than Sarina. He’s a dick to everyone. But Sarina…pretty sure she only goes after me.”

“Okay. Well…this complicates things…” Danny said. He sat back, frowning, chewing on his lip.

“Complicates what?” Rion asked. “What are you talking about?”

“So, I wanted to smooth things out between you and Sarina,” Danny said, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “I figured if you said sorry to each other, you could start working things out and we could all be friends again. I mean, I still want to try, but… Sarina didn’t tell me about all this other stuff. She just said that you wrecked the bracelet, which I already knew, and that you called her names and hit her back, and… Did you wreck her homework once? Or steal it? I think she said something about that.”

Rion didn’t answer. Instead, he barked out a laugh.

Apologize? Work things out? Be friends again?

Only Danny would be so hopeful. There was no way in hell that Sarina was going to turn around and make peace. If anything, she’d try and use it as a trap to hurt Rion, she’d do something else to him or make everyone hate him more. He didn’t know what she’d do, but Rion didn’t trust her one bit.

Still huffing out bitter laughter, Rion said, “I don’t know. I probably wrecked some of her stuff. I don’t give a shit. It doesn’t matter. None of this is going to work.”

“What? What do you mean?” Danny asked, frowning.

“Sarina’s not going to make peace or apologize, Danny,” Rion said.

“She said she would.”

“Yeah, and I bet she didn’t mean it.”

“Well…well, how else are we supposed to fix things? I mean, I know that nothing will get better overnight, especially with everything you’re telling me. But, like…you have to start somewhere.”

“Sarina hates me,” Rion said. “She’s not going to apologize for anything.”

“She told me she would,” Danny said. He really, really must want to believe that Sarina wouldn’t lie to him. “She told me that if you said sorry, she would too. She told me that you were the one that wouldn’t apologize.”

Rion let out another bitter laugh. It was just too funny. She would say sorry if Rion would apologize for fighting back, for not taking his beatings as quietly as he could, for being a shitty punching bag. Yeah, that seemed real fair.

“You know what? Fine. I’ll apologize to her,” Rion said. “I’ll say I’m sorry for calling her names and…wrecking her homework? I don’t remember that but fine, I’ll say sorry for that too. And for hitting her in self-defence. Why not? I don’t care.”

Danny was looking at him with a strange expression... Was that pity?

“Maybe I should… I could talk to Sarina about it again,” Danny said. “It sounds like she’s put you through a lot of shit, and… Has she really changed that much?”

“Is it even a change for her?” Rion asked. “We weren’t exactly friends as kids. She never hit me back then, but we didn’t get along either.”

“Yeah, but she wasn’t…she wasn’t like this. Never,” Danny said. “It’s like she’s a different person. I don’t even… I don’t know where to start. This is all so messed up.”

“I say we do it,” Rion said. “I don’t think she’s going to say sorry, but I will. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll know there’s no chance of fixing things and we can be done.”

“That… I don’t know,” Danny said.

“I have an idea,” Rion said. “Why don’t we have witnesses? Jesse and Celeste, maybe? Even Peter? Then everyone’s on the same page.”

And then if Sarina brought her friends, they couldn’t gang up on him.

Seeing Jesse, Celeste, and Peter at Noa’s place…they’d all treated Rion normally. He wasn’t sure why or what miracle Danny worked to make it happen, but it had been nice. If they came, even if they weren’t on his side or they would turn on him again, it was better to know all at once. Rion wanted it to be over in one fell swoop.

“Witnesses… That’s a good idea, actually,” Danny said, considering it. “They might be able to help us sort it out. And, like, I’m pretty sure that Peter and his family are going to want to want you over again since things worked so well with Noa last time… If you and Sarina could put this behind you, or at least start to… Yeah, I think it’s worth a shot.”

“So, when can we do it?” Rion asked. “I’d rather get this over with. It can be hard with school and jobs and everything. Would tomorrow work?”

“It’s Sunday so maybe?” Danny said. “I’ll have to make some calls. Can I let you know later tonight?”

“Yeah. Sure,” Rion said. “Sounds good to me.”

He already knew this was going to go wrong. Sarina would never quietly sit down and make peace. She was going to blow up on him, like she always did.

But maybe it was a good thing. Everyone would get to see what kind of person she really was.

Chapter 15 – Peter

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Peter received several calls from Danny on Saturday to arrange for a meetup on Sunday. Somehow, Danny managed to get a date and time for a little get-together with everyone in the afternoon.

“It’s kind of about Rion and Sarina,” Danny had told Peter over the phone. “I’m working on getting them to apologize to each other but this whole thing has been crazy, and Rion wants people there. …Please, don’t bring Noa.”

There was no chance of him bringing Noa. Peter didn’t want him anywhere near Sarina. He’d seen how she’d treated Rion.

Peter had conflicted feelings about Rion. After Amber died and they found out about the wrecked friendship bracelet, Rion had stopped calling and coming over. Rion had all but abandoned Noa when he needed him the most.

Noa had been a mess. Peter was heartbroken himself and grieved when Amber died, but Noa never recovered. He didn’t want to eat and he’d either never sleep or sleep for days. He stopped talking, he hid away in his room, he had nightmares that would wake the whole household with his screaming. And he had panic attacks, and…

Noa hadn’t been that extreme when he moved in with them. He’d been quiet but it hadn’t taken long before he started opening up to them. Yes, he’d always been a little weird and he didn’t talk much…

Obviously, there were serious issues left over from his parents. Obviously, Noa had problems. But Amber’s death had broken him.

It was easy to be mad at Rion for leaving Noa when Noa needed support. Peter had been so frustrated and upset with him. But those feelings had dulled with time.

And then there was the get-together from the other day…

Noa was so eager to see Rion. He’d been almost normal again, more like his old self than he’d been in years. There were no hard feelings. Noa seemed thrilled to see Rion. And Rion seemed guilty about his absence. In fact, it felt like Rion wanted to see Noa too. If that was the case, what was stopping him from coming over before?

Peter was beginning to think that something else was going on. And it probably had to do with Sarina.

He’d only witnessed Sarina’s treatment of Rion a few times, but it was bad. He’d seen her hit Rion without any reservation. He’d seen her kick him and he’d seen Rion bleed. He only caught them fighting a few times, but Sarina was always the instigator. It wasn’t at all like the rumours claimed – that Rion picked on Sarina.

Peter wasn’t okay with it. Not even a little. If he had any say, Sarina wasn’t coming anywhere near Noa. Not when she was okay with beating the shit out of people.

The idea of trying to fix Sarina and Rion’s relationship seemed like an effort in vain. Peter didn’t believe it was possible. But if they were both agreeing to come and apologize, well…

Peter would rather witness it than hear about it. He made sure his schedule was clear and showed up at the park on Sunday afternoon.

The sky was grey and overcast when he arrived. It looked like it was going to rain. Peter hadn’t brought an umbrella, deciding to risk the weather.

He wasn’t the first one there. Jesse and Celeste were hanging around near the swings when Peter arrived. He gave them a wave and they waved back.

“Hi,” he said. “Guess we’re early.”

“I expected Danny to be here first,” Celeste said. “He’s usually the early one.”

“He’ll be here,” Jesse said with confidence. “I think he said he was coming with Rion.”

“I wouldn’t blame Rion for dragging his feet,” Peter said. “They might be late.”

It was strange being together like this. Peter shuffled his feet, looking around at the gloomy, empty park. When he was younger, Celeste and Jesse had been the two people closest to Amber. Peter had been the younger brother, a kid in their eyes. Now that they were older, out of school…

It was different. Those age boundaries didn’t feel the same. A two-year age gap seemed a lot smaller than it used to.

“I made sure my afternoon was clear,” Celeste said. “I don’t mind if they’re late. This feels important.”

Jesse nodded in agreement. “I’m not sure how Danny’s going to make this work though. I mean…I’m still trying to understand this whole thing with Rion. But I think Amber would’ve wanted us to get along, so…”

“She would have,” Peter agreed with a nod. “She’d have called Sarina out a million times over by now.”

“I talked to Sarina the other day, actually,” Celeste said. “She helped me carry some stuff home. She was thinking about making peace with Rion, so…maybe it will work out?”

“You saw Rion’s black eye,” Peter said. “Sarina hits him. It’s not going to be easy for them to work things out.”

“An apology is a start,” Celeste said, but she glanced down as she said it, her own doubt obvious.

“Danny really got me thinking about it,” Jesse added. “And Danny used to be best friends with Sarina. If anyone can work things out between them, it’s him.”

Peter wasn’t so sure. He still remembered pulling Sarina off Rion that one time, of Rion looking up at him with glassy eyes and a bloodied nose. Peter remembered yelling at Sarina, asking what was wrong with her and her whole argument being, “It looks worse than it is! He just did a face-plant!” She didn’t even acknowledge that she’d been chasing Rion or that she’d pounced on him the moment he’d fallen.

Of course, when he’d tried to talk to Rion and ask if he was okay, Rion told him to fuck off. So, Peter had listened and left him alone. At the time, he figured that if Rion didn’t want his help, then maybe he should stay out of it. He already had Noa to worry about anyway…

Maybe he should have worried about Rion more. Maybe staying out of it had been a mistake.

“Hey!”

Calling out to them was Sarina. She came over by herself, hands stuffed in the pockets of a heavy jean jacket. She looked chilly but it was probably because for whatever reason, she had chosen to wear shorts.

Peter crossed his arms and turned away. He didn’t want to talk to her, didn’t even want to acknowledge her unless he had to. The others didn’t feel the same.

“Hi, Sarina,” Celeste said, waving.

“Hey,” Jesse added. “You didn’t see Rion or Danny on your way here, did you?”

“Nope,” Sarina said, joining them. “Hi, Peter.”

As much as he would like to ignore her, he felt the social pressure weighing on him.

“Hi,” he said stiffly.

There was a brief, awkward pause. Spending time together like this had become unfamiliar.

“Danny said you guys were coming,” Sarina finally began, rocking on her heels. “I don’t know why we’re making a big deal out of it. But, hey, I guess this way Rion can apologize to us all at once.”

“Apologize?” Jesse said.

“He doesn’t need to apologize to me,” Celeste added.

“Um, guys, hello? Are you forgetting about his friendship bracelet?” Sarina asked, waving a hand. “I mean, come on. That kind of involves all of us.”

Celeste spared an uncertain glance at both Jesse and Peter. Jesse frowned, considering what Sarina was saying.

Peter had been upset when he found out about the bracelet. It was only natural. Amber, Celeste, and Sarina had worked on those bracelets together and Rion’s had been made by Amber personally. It was upsetting to find out that after Amber died, not even weeks after the funeral, Rion had already viciously cut up his bracelet and discarded it.

That hurt. Of course it did. Peter was barely fourteen at the time. His sister was dead. He was grieving and in pain. And Noa had completely broken down. Rion’s actions felt like a betrayal, and it weighed heavily as time passed and Rion made no attempts to contact Noa, who was supposed to be his best friend.

Peter had been resentful about it for a long time, until he noticed how Sarina was treating Rion. While he still had a negative opinion about him, the anger bled out into frustration.

Six years was a long time to be angry at anyone.

“I get what you’re saying but…” Jesse began, trailing off.

“Rion was wrong to cut up his bracelet,” Peter said. “But it’s his bracelet. He has the right to do whatever he wants with it.”

Sarina blinked rapidly, taken aback.

“I… That’s not the point,” she said. “He…”

“Wait, wait,” Celeste said. “He’s here. Him and Danny.”

Celeste waved a hand, and they were able to spot them. Danny and Rion had finally turned up, walking together. Danny was smiling, chatting to Rion about something.

Peter had seen Rion the other day at their get-together, but he was still uncomfortable with his appearance. Rion was small like Noa, and maybe a bit thinner. It was hard to tell, especially today with the oversized jacket Rion was wearing. He was swimming in it, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Hi, guys,” Danny greeted them with a wave.

There was a chorus of greetings from all of them at once. Sarina was staring Rion down the whole time, and he met her gaze, refusing to speak first.

“So…we’re doing this whole thing again, I guess,” Sarina said.

“Again?” Rion said. “I don’t think we’ve ever apologized to each other.”

“No, I mean… We’re all here together again,” Sarina said, spreading her arms out to gesture at the group. “It’s like when you cut up your bracelet.”

Rion snorted. “It’s not even close to being the same.”

“Hey, uh, guys?” Danny cut in. “I don’t want to interrupt before we’re even really started but, like, I have a couple of things that I want to…uh… Can I ask you some stuff, Sarina?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. What is it?”

Danny shuffled his feet. He looked like he regretted speaking up but he didn’t have much of a choice now. He took a breath and let it out fast.

“Have you been ganging up on Rion with your friends?”

The answer was in Peter’s mind before Danny even finished speaking. Yes. Sarina and Rion both knew the truth too. Rion shifted, lips pressing into a thin line, and Sarina sputtered, not expecting Danny to call her out.

Jesse and Celeste were the only ones who jolted in surprise.

“Wh-what? No!” Sarina said. “It’s not like that!”

Peter snorted in disbelief at the outright lie and Rion’s expression hardened.

“Danny, what… Why would you ask that?” Jesse said.

“Rion told me Eric was holding him down for Sarina when she gave him his black eye,” Danny said. “So, Sarina…you’re saying that’s a lie?”

“Rion went feral on me!” Sarina snapped, glaring at Rion. “You saw the bruise he gave me! Eric was just holding him back to protect me!”

“Rion said he only hit you when he got his arm free from Eric,” Danny said.

“Yeah, he did. Because he was losing his shit!” Sarina said. “How many times do I have to explain this to you?!”

“That’s not what happened,” Rion said.

His voice was low. He was sinking further into his coat, staring at Sarina with mismatched eyes.

“Oh, sure, of course,” Sarina said with a hard roll of her eyes. “You’re just going to stand there and call me a liar. What else did I expect?”

“Hey,” Danny said. “Why don’t we hear both sides of the story? That’s fair, isn’t it?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rion said.

“You’re really going to say that after calling me a liar?” Sarina said.

Rion opened his mouth, closed it, then glanced to the side. He heaved a breath, looking like he would rather be anywhere else.

“I think we should hear both sides of the story,” Jesse spoke up.

“Me too,” Celeste said.

“All right. Cool. Fine! Then let Rion tell his version,” Sarina said. “Go ahead, Rion. Better make it a good story.”

Rion’s mouth twisted unhappily as he hesitated.

“Okay. All right…” he said, reaching up to scrub at the side of his neck. “We were heading out for recess. Sarina shoved me from behind, so I told her to fuck off. Eric came out of nowhere and dragged me off, going on about how that’s not how I should talk to a girl. So, I told him to fuck off too. Eric shoved me into Monique and Jolie. Jolie started freaking out and then Sarina went off about how I’m trying to attack them even though Eric was the one who pushed me.

“Then Eric grabbed me again. I didn’t know what he was doing, so I tried to get away. Sarina said she was going to give me a taste of my own medicine and then she punched me in the face. That’s when I got my arm free and hit her. Eric shoved me down and started kicking me and then Monique shrieked for a teacher.

“That’s pretty much it,” Rion said, shuffling his feet.

They were silent as his words sunk in.

Peter expected it to be bad, but still… Hearing about it from Rion, who said the words with cold, hard indifference…

“That’s not how it happened,” Sarina said, puffing up as much as she could. Her whole face was red. “You’re a liar.”

“Whatever,” Rion said, not looking at her.

“There’s an easy way to prove him wrong,” Peter said. “Ask the other kids at school. There must be witnesses. It was recess.”

Sarina whirled around to him with wide eyes. Peter met her gaze coldly.

He knew Rion was telling the truth and so did Sarina.

“No… No, that wouldn’t work,” Sarina said. “We can’t ask…”

“You really did all that to Rion?” Danny asked, his expression pained.

“That–! No!” Sarina sputtered. “I haven’t even told my side of the story yet! God! Why are you just eating up whatever Rion says?! Give me a chance to speak!”

“Then…what happened?” Celeste asked, her expression pinched in concern.

Celeste had always been a kind person, like Danny. She obviously didn’t want to hear any of this.

“Okay…Okay, so it’s not at all like what Rion said,” Sarina said, taking a breath. “Rion shoved me when we were going out for recess. I asked him what his problem was, and he started to lose his shit on me, calling me names and getting up in my face. Eric pinned him down because he was being all crazy and then Rion wiggled free somehow just so that he could hit me. We were all freaking out and I hit him back in self-defence. That was when Monique started calling for help. We didn’t know what else to do!”

Sarina huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. Her version was similar to Rion’s, only...it didn’t make sense. At least, it didn’t make sense to Peter. Rion wasn’t someone who freaked out and lashed out. He’d never done anything like that before.

Rion was a quiet kid, kind of like Noa. He was more the kind of person who would stand there, stare you down, and tell you off. The person Sarina described wasn’t anything like Rion.

“You’re saying that Rion lashed out at you?” Jesse asked. “For no reason?”

“I don’t know what goes on in his head,” Sarina said. “He’s crazy!”

“That doesn’t sound like Rion to me,” Peter said. “And I still say that if we want to prove it, we should just ask the kids at school. Everyone will have seen the whole thing.”

“You can ask Eric, Monique, and Jolie!” Sarina said. “They’ll know – they were there too!”

“They’re…kind of biased though, aren’t they?” Celeste said, averting her gaze when Sarina turned to her.

“You’re kind of acting guilty, Sarina,” Jesse said. “If your story is true, you should be agreeing with Peter. The other kids at school should be able to back up your story.”

“They should,” Sarina growled, balling up her hands into fists at her sides. “But some people have grudges against me or my friends. Some kids make things up to be dicks to us! You don’t get how it is.”

“People have grudges against you and your friends because you’re bullies,” Peter said. “I’ve seen the kinds of things you do. You get worse every year.”

Jesse and Celeste were staring at him. He understood why. They were out of the loop. Jesse and Celeste were four years older than Rion and Sarina. They’d graduated and gone on with their lives. Peter had spent two extra years in school with Sarina and Rion. He had a better idea of how things had changed for the worse.

“We aren’t bullies,” Sarina said. “We just like to have fun and do our own thing. Other people don’t get us! It’s this narrow-minded, small town fucking attitude.”

“You said you hit Rion in self-defence after he got his arm free and hit you,” Peter said. “Even in your own story, he was still partially incapacitated by Eric. How is that fair? How is that self-defence?”

“I was scared, okay? We all were!” Sarina said. “Rion was acting like some kind of rabid animal! God, what else could we do? Should we just have let him attack us?”

“Look at Rion. I don’t think he’s capable of beating anyone up. And you’re saying there were four of you. It also wouldn’t be the first time I’ve caught you attacking Rion with your friends so don’t give me any of your bullshit,” Peter said. “Even if Rion was freaking out that badly, why didn’t you call for a teacher right away?”

“Monique did!” Sarina said. “She was calling for help from the beginning!”

“Whoa, whoa… Let’s back up a second,” Danny said. “Peter, you’ve seen Sarina picking on Rion before?”

“Yes. And I put a stop to it before too,” Peter said.

“You never mentioned that,” Celeste said.

“We don’t hang out like we used to,” Peter said. “We don’t talk like we used to.”

And honestly, he was sad that his connection with Jesse and Celeste had faded over time. They would still see each other and greet each other but they used to be a lot closer. They used to spend so much time with Amber. He used to see them all the time.

Now it was different. They weren’t kids anymore. They had their own lives. And Amber wasn’t there to connect them.

“Are you talking about the time Rion got a bloody nose?” Sarina said. Her voice had risen several octaves. “Peter, I told you he fell on his face! I didn’t do anything to him!”

“You were chasing him and you pounced on him when he fell,” Peter said. “If I hadn’t interrupted, who knows what would have happened. You were dragging him up by his collar, choking him–”

“I was not! He was fine! It wasn’t like that!” Sarina said. “Why are you making a big deal out of nothing! Stop acting like I’m the bad guy here!”

“Rion?” Jesse spoke up. “Do you remember what happened that time?”

Rion had been quiet for a while now, Peter realized. He was watching them argue back and forth. At Jesse’s question, he shrugged.

“That time with the bloody nose?” he said. “I can barely remember. Sarina was chasing me or whatever. Peter interrupted and I told him to fuck off.”

“See? He doesn’t even care!” Sarina said. “We’ve gotten completely off topic with all this bullshit anyway! This was supposed to be about apologizing.”

“Okay… Okay, you know what? Let’s get on track then,” Danny said. “We can work with this! Forget about the bloody nose thing for now – we’ll get back to that. You hit each other in both your stories about this whole black eye thing. Neither one of you is denying that you hurt each other. Who’s fault it is… You know, let’s just forget about that too for a second. You guys shouldn’t be hurting each other at all, ever. So maybe you could do what you both agreed to and…you two can start by apologizing to each other for that fight. Okay?”

Sarina scoffed and sneered, obviously hating the idea. Rion stared at Danny for a moment before letting out a soft, bitter laugh.

“Apologize… Right,” he huffed. “Yeah. Seems fair.”

“I knew you wouldn’t do it,” Sarina said to him. “I knew you were full of shit–”

“Hold on,” Rion cut her off. She tried to keep going but he spoke over her. “I’m going to apologize.”

Sarina fell silent. Her expression was bordering on smug, but she had her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Sarina,” he said. “I’m sorry that I hit you. And I was rude to you too because I told you to fuck off. So…I’m sorry for saying that too. I’m sorry for hurting you. That was wrong.”

Peter felt his eyebrows rise. He was surprised and a little impressed that Rion would stand there and say that. He even sounded sincere.

Sarina pinched her lips together. She looked like she wanted to say something but, with a glance Danny’s way, she thought better of whatever she had in mind.

“Fine,” she said. “I’m sorry I hit you. Is that what you want to hear, Danny?”

“It’s a start,” Danny said. “What do you think, Rion?”

“Yeah. Sure. It’s something,” Rion said.

There was an awkward pause. It seemed like no one was satisfied by the situation or the apologies.

“Well… We can work with this. Right?” Danny said hopefully, looking between them. Then he spared a desperate glance at his other friends.

“Those were apologies…” Jesse conceded but the look on his face captured how Peter was feeling – completely doubtful that anything was near being resolved.

“Maybe we should leave it there for today?” Celeste said. “It might be better to do this in small pieces. It… Um… I think we have some things to think about.”

“No, there’s one more apology that I want,” Sarina said. “There’s only one apology that actually means anything. The friendship bracelet. I want to hear you say you’re sorry for cutting it up, Rion.”

Rion took a breath and let it out through his nose.

“Can’t you let that go, Sarina?” Peter asked. “It was six years ago.”

“How can you say that?! Amber was your sister!” Sarina hissed.

Peter scowled, clenching his fists at his sides. He wanted to respond but he clenched his jaw instead. He didn’t want to say something regret later.

Danny stepped forward. “Sarina–”

“Don’t,” Rion cut him off.

“We all deserve an apology for that bracelet!” Sarina continued. “I want to hear it from Rion!”

Danny looked like he wanted to say something, but this time he turned to Rion first. They all did. Rion crossed his arms over his chest as he met Sarina’s gaze.

“No,” Rion said.

“Why the fuck not?” Sarina demanded.

“I’m not going to apologize for something I’m not sorry for.”

The words were a surprise and, despite everything, they stung. It made Peter hesitate, not expecting Rion’s answer at all. In fact, everyone hesitated.

Sarina was the first to recover.

“You–!” she snarled and lunged.

Rion was the only one who reacted fast enough, probably out of reflex. He tried to leap back and get out of reach, but he stumbled. He would have fallen backwards but Sarina grabbed him by a fist full of hair, wrenching him forward. She grappled with him, and in the ensuing scuffle of hair pulling, hitting, and kicking, they ended up falling to the ground in a violent heap.

Rion let out a sharp cry of pain when they went down. Sarina screamed over him as she ground him into the dirt.

“You piece of shit!”

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” Danny cried out. “What are you doing?!”

Celeste let out a strangled sound of shock but was frozen in place, wide eyed. Jesse and Danny both leapt forward to stop the fighting and Peter hurried to help.

“Stop it!” Jesse said, snatching one of Sarina’s arms.

Peter grasped Sarina firmly by the collar of her jacket, grabbing her other arm and restraining it before forcefully pulling her up. It took all his strength and Jesse’s help to pull her off Rion. Once they had her on her feet, Jesse and Peter kept a firm hold on her, dragging her back.

Peter had some experience with martial arts, but he was more familiar with facing sparing opponents than he was hauling teenage girls to their feet. Once Sarina was upright, he was able to get a better grip on her. He didn’t want to try and put her in a proper hold, not wanting to risk letting her go for even a second.

Sarina was livid. She was red faced and thrashing angrily, hissing and spitting like an animal.

“Let go of me! Get off me!” Sarina shrieked.

“Not until you calm down!” Peter said, which only made her thrash harder.

“Fuck you!” Sarina snarled. “You’re ganging up on me and siding with that lying little asshole! I should have known! This is fucking horse shit!”

Danny was helping Rion to his feet. The attack was brief, but Rion was pale and unsteady. He was grimacing in pain.

“What is wrong with you, Sarina!” Jesse said. “You can’t just fly off the handle and attack people!”

“Did you not hear him?! Did you not hear what he said?! Rion isn’t even sorry!” Sarina shrieked. “He doesn’t even care!”

“That’s…that’s not an excuse to hurt him,” Celeste said.

She had come over to hover next to Rion in concern. She was shaky, trembling, looking between all of them, her face drained of colour.

“We should take Sarina home,” Peter said. “She’s lost it.”

“I have not!” Sarina cried, kicking her feet.

“Just let her go.”

The suggestion came from Rion of all people. He wasn’t looking at anyone and he still seemed to be in pain, shoulders stiff and tense.

“Let her go?” Danny repeated. “Rion, she’s trying to attack you!”

“Holding her down is just going to piss her off more,” Rion said. “It’s fine. Whatever.”

“That’s right! Get off me!” Sarina added, thrashing.

Peter exchanged an unhappy, tense glance with Jesse. Sarina wasn’t strong enough to free herself from their grip, but they both had second thoughts about releasing her.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jesse said.

“I’m not gonna fucking touch him!” Sarina said.

“You can’t hold her like that all day,” Rion said. “Just… Please.”

“That’s right! Get off!” Sarina shrieked.

“…Fine,” Jesse said but he turned to Peter for confirmation.

Peter didn’t want to let go but when he met Jesse’s gaze, he could tell that he was ready to stop Sarina a second time if she lunged at Rion again. Reluctantly, Peter gave him a nod and Jesse returned it.

They let Sarina go but made sure to physically put themselves between her and Rion. Sarina stumbled back, puffing angrily. She glowered at them, looking like she might like to have a go at them instead. Luckily, she had enough sense to back off.

“You guys are all assholes!” she snarled. “You just wanna gang up on me and side with that prick! I can’t believe this!”

“You’re delusional,” Peter told her, a bitter, disbelieving laugh escaping him.

“What the hell, Sarina. You can’t really think it’s okay to just go around beating on someone like that,” Jesse added.

“Rion isn’t just any normal person! He’s an asshole!” Sarina said. “He’s a fucking two-faced back-stabber! He cut up his friendship bracelet without a shred of remorse and he doesn’t even care about Amber! And he was there when she died! How fucked up is that?! How could anyone be like that?! Fuck him!”

“Sarina,” Danny spoke up. “I… I don’t want to say this, but I think you need to go home and think about stuff.”

“What do you mean? What are you talking about?” she said. “I’m the one who’s right! What kind of friends are you?! You all know that I’m right!”

“I mean… Sarina, I don’t think we can be friends,” Danny said, and it looked like it physically hurt him to say. “I can’t… Not when you’re like this. I’m sorry.”

“You… What?” Sarina said.

Sarina was caught off guard, deflating at the shock of what she was hearing. Danny couldn’t meet her gaze. Peter had never seen him look so uncomfortable.

“Just…just go home and…cool off or something,” Danny said. “Maybe you’ll understand later. I don’t know.”

Even Peter hadn’t expected Danny to outright reject Sarina like that. Maybe it was the fact that he’d been the one to put the effort into setting all this up only for everything to come crumbling down.

“You… But… I didn’t do anything wrong!” Sarina said.

“If you really believe that, then I don’t think there’s anything else I have to say to you,” Danny said with a grimace. “Sorry. Really. I… I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“No,” Rion spoke up, shaking his head. “Wait. Stop it, Danny.”

“Don’t worry about it, Rion,” Danny said. “We should probably get you home. I’m really, really sorry about what Sarina did…”

“I didn’t even hurt him that bad!” Sarina protested.

Sarina looked frantic and Danny was radiating disappointment. Peter, Celeste, and Jesse had no idea what to do. But Rion had a strange look of resolve on his face.

“Sarina’s right,” he said.

“What? What do you mean?” Danny said. “Sarina’s not right! She hurt you!”

“But she was right to hurt me,” Rion said, closing his eyes for a second. He looked pale and nauseous. “She’s not wrong about anything. I’m an asshole and a liar and a prick…”

“No! No, you’re not any of those things!” Danny insisted. “That’s not true. Why are you saying that?”

“I cut up my friendship bracelet and I’m not sorry,” Rion said.

“See!” Sarina crowed. “He knows! He gets it! Why does Rion fucking get it and the rest of you don’t?”

“Because we know this is wrong,” Danny snapped at her before turning back to Rion. “You don’t have to be sorry about the bracelet, okay? Yeah, it hurts that you did it, but everyone copes with things differently. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Rion opened his mouth and closed it again. He looked down, his lips twisting like he’d bitten into a lemon.

“I am a bad person,” Rion said. “If you’re choosing between me and Sarina, Danny, then please choose Sarina.”

“That’s not what this is,” Danny said. “I’m not choosing between you.”

“I don’t care what it is,” Rion said. “I don’t want to do this anymore. It was a stupid idea, and I never should have agreed to it. I should have known better. Now everyone’s miserable and it’s my fault for not putting a stop to it.”

“We’re not miserable,” Celeste spoke up. “Rion, you were attacked. I think you should sit down for a second…”

“Doesn’t anyone care that Rion’s agreeing with me?” Sarina said. “Hello? He’s saying I’m right!”

“Go home, Sarina,” Jesse said. “You’re not helping anything.”

“We need to sort everything out,” Peter added, agreeing wholeheartedly with Jesse. “This is a mess.”

“But Rion’s saying that I’m right!” Sarina said.

“After you attacked him,” Peter said. “I don’t trust what he’s saying. Or what you’re saying. Go away.”

Sarina snarled at him. Peter thought she might lash out. Instead, she relented, backing away in the direction of her home.

“Fine! Fuck all of you!” she spat. “You can be Rion’s friends even though he doesn’t give a shit about you or Amber or anything! Go ahead! Go be a pack of fucking idiots together! You’re all dead to me!”

She flipped them the bird, waving her whole arm aggressively at them, before storming off.

Peter felt like he could finally relax and in his peripheral vision, Jesse’s shoulders dropped in relief.

“I can’t believe her…” Danny said and turned to Rion. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“No,” Rion said. “I really wish you hadn’t said that.”

“Said what?” Danny asked.

“That you’re not her friend.”

“Rion, I can’t be her friend if she’s going to…” Danny started but then paused, grimacing as he waved a hand at Rion. “Look at what she did to you! How are you okay with that? Why would you defend her?”

“Because she’s right,” Rion said. “Look, I don’t want to explain it. I just want to go home. I hate all of this. I’m sick of fighting. I just… I’m tired, okay?”

“Okay,” Danny said. “Can I at least walk you home or something?”

“I don’t care,” Rion said.

He looked miserable. For the first time in a long time, Peter could only feel bad for him. It wasn’t quite pity, but it was something close. Peter felt like he was really seeing Rion’s situation for the first time. He looked hurt and tired and miserable, shoulders hunched in pain, face pale, his black eye standing out even more than before.

And Rion was saying he was an awful person and that Sarina was right… It reminded Peter of the things Noa said. It reminded him of the times that Noa would blame himself for Amber’s death.

Peter couldn’t leave Rion like this.

“Why don’t we go for coffee or something,” Peter suggested.

“…Coffee?” Rion said, glancing up. “I don’t feel like it.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Danny said.

“I’d also like to keep an eye on you for a bit, Rion,” Jesse added. “You didn’t hit your head or anything, right? I mean, I’m not a doctor, but… Maybe we should just make sure you’re okay before you go home.”

“You don’t have to order coffee. They do good milkshakes at the hotel,” Celeste added.

Peter wasn’t sure if it was because of what they’d all just witnessed but it felt right for them to try and show Rion some kind of support. He didn’t think anyone here would be fine with sending Rion home after watching Sarina attack him.

Rion heaved a breath. “Okay. Fine. Coffee it is then. Whatever.”

Chapter 16 – Peter

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Peter kept a close eye on Rion as they walked to the hotel. He did not look okay.

He was paler than before and unsteady on his feet. Peter wondered how badly Rion was hurt when Sarina assaulted him. He wasn’t limping, but he looked like he was in pain as he walked, his expression pinched.

“Your hair’s a bit… Here,” Celeste said, reached over to adjust Rion’s ruffled hair as they came up to the hotel.

“Oh. Thanks,” Rion said. “I probably look like hell.”

“No, you’re… You’re not so bad,” Celeste tried to reassure him.

“Are you feeling okay?” Peter couldn’t help but ask. “Do we need to take you to the hospital?”

“Hospital? No, no. I’m fine,” Rion said.

“Sarina did attack you,” Jesse said. “You’re sure you’re fine? I felt how much force she was using when we pulled her off you…”

“Pretty sure nothing’s broken. I’ll live,” Rion said.

That wasn’t a comforting answer. It sounded like Rion wanted to shrug off their concern.

Peter had seen Noa hide injuries before. With Noa, Peter would call him out on it. That would be harder to do with Rion. They weren’t family.

“Just because you’ll live doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get checked at the hospital,” Peter told him. “Tell me honestly, where are you hurting and how bad is it?”

“It’s fine. I’m just a little sore where she hit me,” Rion said. “I think I’m bruised. If I sit down, I’ll be okay.”

“All right. We’ll sit and have drinks,” Peter said, urging them into the hotel. “But Rion, if you’re still hurting by the time we leave, I’m walking you over to the hospital and we’re getting you checked out. Okay?”

“Fine,” Rion agreed.

They headed inside. Peter kept his focus on Rion, watching the way he sat when they picked out a table. He moved gingerly, unable to relax. Peter was sure he was downplaying the seriousness of his injuries. It was going to be impossible to ignore.

It made Peter even angrier with Sarina. She didn’t just attack Rion, she tried to hurt him and succeeded. And Rion was obviously used to limping off and hiding what he was going through without any kind of support.

“You said that Eric kicked you before, right?” Peter asked. “When you were telling us what happened with your black eye?”

“Yeah,” Rion said.

“You’re sure nothing’s broken?” Peter continued. “Did you go to the hospital before?”

“Peter, please… I just want to relax for a second,” Rion said. “Just lemme get a milkshake or something.”

“He’s right to be worried,” Celeste said. “We didn’t know things were this bad.”

“I didn’t want to believe it,” Danny said, scrubbing his face. “I never would have thought Sarina would do something like this. It’s messed up.”

“I know,” Jesse agreed. “I didn’t expect Sarina to lose it like that. I think Peter’s got the right idea here, Rion. You’re sure you feel okay?”

“Fine,” Rion said again, frustration creeping into his voice. “Seriously. I just need a minute. I’m not hurt that bad. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It’s embarrassing. Stop.”

The waitress came by and took their order before anyone could argue. The atmosphere was awkward as they all ordered coffee, save for Celeste and Rion who ordered strawberry milkshakes.

Peter would have commented on Rion’s choice if there weren’t more important things to worry about. When they were kids, Rion always ordered chocolate milkshakes. Strawberry was Noa’s favourite. He could remember their arguments as kids over which was better…

With the conversation derailed, they paused to digest everything that happened. The waitress came back with their drinks and when she left, Celeste was the first one to speak up.

“I was surprised that you broke off your friendship with Sarina, Danny,” Celeste said. “I mean…not that I blame you…but you were really good friends when we were kids. I guess it says a lot about her behaviour…”

“Yeah… I feel kind of bad. It really sucks,” Danny said. “But I couldn’t just stand there and watch her attack Rion like that and then try and justify it… If that’s how she’s going to be, then we aren’t friends.”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Rion said, scrubbing at his face for a moment before plunking his hands down on the table. “I don’t want to ruin your friendship with Sarina.”

“Oh no, no! Don’t worry about that,” Danny said. “Sarina was the one who broke things off in my opinion. Rion, I would have cut things off with her if she treated anyone like that. Like, imagine if she tried to hit Noa.”

“No,” Rion bit out. At the same time, Peter snapped, “She isn’t coming anywhere near Noa.”

Rion’s reaction made Peter turn to look at him. Rion met his gaze briefly before turning away.

“Sarina probably wouldn’t be happy to hear that,” Celeste said. “I think she still really likes Noa, even if she hardly ever sees him. I don’t think she’d hit him…”

“Who can say?” Peter said, still watching Rion. “I don’t care what she thinks or how she feels. Sarina decided this is the kind of person she wants to be. And after what happened with Noa as a kid? With his dad who murdered his mom and tried to kill him too? No. No way. I’m not letting anyone abusive anywhere near Noa. Sarina can forget about ever seeing him again.”

The others winced at the mention of Noa’s father. Rion even cringed, balling his hands into fists on the tabletop.

“Yeah… Yeah, I agree with you there,” Danny said.

“What she did was really wrong and…you’re right. She shouldn’t see Noa,” Celeste began, “but maybe Sarina could change? I know that sounds… It’s unlikely. But she didn’t used to be this way.”

“I’d like to believe she can change, and I get what you’re saying, Celeste,” Danny said. “Sarina… She’s like a total stranger. We have to be realistic. It sucks but she’s already made her choices.”

He looked down, flicking at the edge of a napkin. Danny seemed really broken up about it. Peter understood his feelings but he didn’t sympathize with him.

Sarina had been acting out for years. They were finally paying attention and seeing how ugly reality was.

“And it’s not our job to fix her,” Jesse added.

“I might talk to her, though,” Celeste said, fidgeting self-consciously. “I feel kind of bad for her… What she did was awful, but I just feel like… I feel like that’s not really her. I don’t know. Is that weird?”

“No, I get what you mean. She didn’t used to be like this,” Danny said. “And hey, if you can talk sense into her, I think that’s great. I just wouldn’t keep my hopes up. She’s really…really changed.”

“I know,” Celeste said. “But I want to try.”

“Can we talk about something that isn’t Sarina?” Rion asked. “Please?”

Peter exchanged looks with the others. It was going to be tough to change the subject considering what they just witnessed. But none of them could blame Rion for wanting to talk about something else. He was hovering over his milkshake, and he didn’t look any better. In fact, he looked nauseous.

“Yeah. Sure. We can talk about something else,” Jesse said. “Uh…”

“Do you want to come over and visit Noa sometime?” Peter asked.

Rion looked up at him, startled. It probably had to do with the fact that Peter had been adamant that Sarina couldn’t come over and now Rion was the one getting an invitation.

“Is that okay?” Rion asked.

“Noa was really happy to see you,” Peter told him. “My parents wanted to invite you over anyway. You make Noa act like his old self. We all think it would be good for you to hang out with him.”

“As long as it’s okay, I’d like to visit,” Rion said. “But does that mean the rumours are true? Is Noa… I know I saw him a few days ago, but… How has he been?”

“Things have been hard,” Peter said. “He’s been struggling with everything. Mom and Dad are homeschooling him now, but he’s already been held back a grade… He hardly talks. He plays games, listens to music, and draws… He prefers to stay in his room. He was a different person when you came over and visited.”

Rion was frowning but he nodded.

“That makes sense…” he said and then closed his eyes for a brief second before looking down at his milkshake. “I’d like to see him again.”

“Why did you stop hanging out with Noa? It’s been bugging me, to be honest,” Danny spoke up. “The two of you were best friends. Like, closer than Sarina and I were. What changed?”

“Amber died,” Rion said.

It was a very blunt, hard answer. It made Jesse visibly uncomfortable, and Celeste glanced away, sipping at her milkshake for a distraction.

A younger Peter would have been upset hearing that, but not the man he was today. He remembered Amber and he loved her. She was his sister. But six years was a long time and a lot had happened since then.

Noa had needed him. His parents had needed him. They had come together as a family to support each other.

He still missed his older sister, but not the same way that he used to. Amber was dead and he had accepted that. It took time and it still hurt to think about her sometimes, but her death had become familiar.

“I understand,” Peter said. “A lot of things changed after Amber died.”

Rion blinked at him rapidly. After collecting himself, he nodded.

“Everything changed,” he agreed.

“Noa… It was really hard for him,” Peter said. “I think it was too much. I was mad that you stopped coming around, to be honest.”

“Isn’t that a bit blunt, Peter?” Jesse said with an awkward smile.

“It’s the truth,” Peter said. “I felt like you abandoned Noa, Rion.”

“I didn’t,” Rion said but then stopped himself.

It looked like the words slipped out, almost like he hadn’t meant to admit it, which was strange. He seemed to have a brief internal debate before taking a breath and continuing.

“I didn’t abandon him. I… He told me he didn’t want me around. I thought… I left it up to him.”

“Noa said that?” Peter asked.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “It was before the…you know…the funeral. We didn’t have a fight exactly, but we… We had a disagreement. He told me to go away. So I did.”

Peter had no idea that happened. He felt instant guilt for being angry at Rion in the first place. If Noa asked Rion to stay away, it wasn’t fair of Peter to get upset at Rion for doing what he was told.

But how was he supposed to know that happened? Noa didn’t say anything about it and Rion just stopped coming over.

“Noa seemed happy to see you again though,” Celeste said. “I think it’s okay for you to visit now.”

“Yeah, seems that way,” Rion said. “I’m happy that he’s finally… I guess it would be wrong to say that he’s ‘doing better’…”

“He is doing better,” Peter said. “Mom found him an amazing psychiatrist and she’s local too; she just moved to town earlier last year. Noa’s starting to open up again, just a little. I think it’s perfect timing for you to come over. He really was happy to see you.”

“Yeah. Okay,” Rion said. “Thanks.”

“Would this be a bad time to ask about the friendship bracelet?” Jesse spoke up.

Peter gave him a deadpanned look. They were just smoothing things out and Jesse really had to go there? After Sarina flipped out over the stupid bracelets? Really?

“I don’t have anything to say about it,” Rion said, looking down. He stirred his milkshake with his straw and took a long sip.

“You still have your bracelet, right?” Danny said.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“So, that must mean you still care about it, right?” Danny continued. “I mean, you wouldn’t keep it if it didn’t matter to you, right?”

Rion sighed. “There’s nothing to talk about, okay? I cut up my bracelet. I wrecked it. End of story.”

“I just wanted to ask… Why?” Jesse said. “Danny’s right. It’s your bracelet and you can do what you want with it. I just… I want to understand.”

“What’s to understand?” Rion said.

“I think that Jesse means… We just want to know why you wrecked it,” Celeste said. “Were you upset? I can understand that. I mean, we were all struggling.”

“I don’t know. It was a long time ago,” Rion said. “It happened and it’s done now. It’s been done for years. I don’t think it really matters why I wrecked it because there’s no fixing it.”

Jesse and Celeste didn’t seem happy with that answer, but Peter thought Rion was trying to avoid the subject. He wasn’t making any excuses, but he was dismissing the bracelet and shutting the conversation down. Just like how he was trying to dismiss his injuries.

The abrupt dismissal gave Peter a weird feeling. Something wasn’t right. But he couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

“Okay,” Danny said. “I think we can all kind of agree with that. Let’s not dwell on it.”

“Right,” Jesse said, but he still looked unsatisfied. “I guess it’s true that we can’t fix it…”

“Noa lost his bracelet,” Peter said. “He stopped wearing it…quite a long time ago, actually. I asked him about it, but he just shrugged and didn’t give me an answer.”

Rion’s head whipped up and he stared at Peter with surprising intensity. His focus was sharpened, alert. The others were surprised too, turning to him.

“He lost it?” Celeste said.

“How?” Jesse said. “He hardly goes anywhere. Did you check at his psychiatrist’s office or…?”

Peter shook his head. “It’s been missing for a while. I can’t even remember when I noticed. But my point is that you’re not alone, Rion. Noa is missing his bracelet. I know it’s not the same, but…”

“Noa must have misplaced it,” Rion said. He looked weirdly intense. “I’ll help him look for it when I come over. He probably just stuck it somewhere for safekeeping and forgot where he put it.”

“I don’t know. We’ve searched his room before,” Peter said. “We didn’t see it anywhere.”

“I’ll still help him look for it,” Rion said. “It can’t hurt, right?”

“It’ll probably turn up,” Danny said. “Rion’s right. Noa probably hid it somewhere for safekeeping.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” Peter said.

Rion’s reaction didn’t make sense. He didn’t care what happened to his bracelet, but he cared about Noa’s? Why?

Peter decided to not think on it too hard for now. Rion wasn’t in great shape and Sarina had attacked him. He might not be thinking straight.

They finished off their drinks and left the hotel, heading out together. Outside, it had started to rain. It wasn’t in full swing, but the sky was dark with storm clouds, and it was spitting rain.

“Good timing,” Jesse said. “I heard it’s supposed to storm all night. We should head home.”

“I’d better hurry,” Celeste said. “Looks like it’s only getting worse.”

Peter thought of Noa. After Amber died, he started to hate storms. They weren’t really sure why since it hadn’t been storming when Amber died. It had been warm and dry, which was why the fire had spread so fast.

Still, with it storming like this, Peter should hurry home. This would be one of those rare times when Noa wanted someone else around.

“You have a bit of a walk, right Celeste?” Danny said. “Do you want a ride? We could go to my place and borrow my parents’ car…”

“No, I’ll be okay. But I should really hurry,” she said, flashing him a smile. “But before I go… You’re really feeling okay, Rion?”

Rion nodded. “I feel much better. Really.”

He didn’t look better, but he wasn’t wobbling on his feet anymore. He could stand on his own and he was moving a little smoother. Peter was still worried but considering the weather, it might be fine to put off a hospital visit. Maybe.

“Okay. Take it easy,” Celeste said. “Um… Things weren’t great with Sarina, but I hope that we can work everything out. We should get together again when we’re all free.”

“Yeah,” Jesse agreed. “I’d like that.”

“We’ll make plans later then,” Danny said. “See you, Celeste.”

“Bye,” she said with a little wave.

Celeste hurried off and then Jesse gave a wave of his own.

“I’ll see you guys around too. I promised I’d stop by the store for Mom on the way home so I gotta run,” Jesse said. “Peter, say hi to Noa for me.”

“Sure,” Peter said. “See you, Jesse.”

Then it was just Danny, Peter, and Rion.

Peter was ready to leave. He was distracted, wanting to get home to Noa. Things seemed to be somewhat resolved and with the weather taking a turn, it made sense to head home. But as he turned to Danny and Rion, there was a rumble from the dark sky overhead. And he saw Rion’s expression.

Peter had only seen that look of fear, that look of panic, on Noa’s face.

And then Peter remembered that Rion hated storms. The realization was sharp, sudden, and he felt so stupid for having forgotten.

Rion was afraid of storms for as long as Peter knew him, long before they had ever bothered Noa. As a kid, Rion would always run inside at the first sign of a dark cloud. He used to be terrified of rainy weather, and it had never been a normal childhood fear.

Rion didn’t talk about it, but there had always been rumours. That was the small-town way. It was impossible to know the full truth, but Peter knew enough.

Rion’s mother had died in a terrible storm. Rion was really young at the time, and he’d been with her when it happened.

Her car had swerved off the road and into the ditch. There was some embellishment depending on who told the story, debate about whether it was the car crashing into a power pole that brought the powerline down or if the storm had knocked it down. Either way, there was a downed powerline outside the car. Rion’s mother made the mistake of getting out of the vehicle and was electrocuted.

It was horrible to imagine. Peter shuddered at every powerline PSA since he’d heard the story. And now, Peter couldn’t believe he’d forgotten. He couldn’t believe it didn’t occur to him until now that Rion was terrified of storms, and they were standing outside in one.

“Rion,” Peter said. “Are you okay?”

Danny gave him a questioning glance but then he saw the look on Rion’s face too and did a double take.

“Fine,” Rion said, looking away. His eyes were too wide, his shoulders tensed right up to his ears. He was trying to hide in his oversized jacket. “I need to go home.”

“I’ll walk you there,” Peter said. There was no way he was leaving him alone like this. “Let’s go. We should hurry.”

“I can walk him home,” Danny said, looking bewildered as Rion turned and started to walk down the sidewalk stiffly, Peter quickly following. “I was going to anyway. We’re neighbours.”

Peter shot Danny a glare over his shoulder, even though he regretted it immediately. Danny was startled by the look, not having quite caught on. Peter gave his head a shake.

“Sorry–” Peter started to say but it finally clicked for Danny.

“Oh!” Danny said. “Storms… I totally forgot! Shit! Let’s go.”

They’d barely gotten a few more steps when there was a flash of lightning overhead. Rion flinched badly this time. The rain was starting to come down harder and they were getting soaked. They’d barely taken a dozen steps when there was a sharp crack of thunder to follow up.

Rion went down into a crouch, covering his ears with his hands. He had his eyes scrunched closed and he began panting like a distressed animal. He crumpled so suddenly that it was a shock to Peter, who stopped and stood there for a moment too long.

And then he realized that Rion had seen the dark sky before he’d even come to talk to Sarina. He’d wanted to go home but they’d dragged him off to the hotel for drinks. Had he been sitting there, thinking about the oncoming storm this whole time?

“Rion!” Danny called out, crouching down next to him. “Are you okay?”

Rion didn’t answer him, sucking in sharp breaths, his teeth chattering. He was grimacing in pain and fear, shivering, looking tiny and fragile.

“Rion, can you hear us?” Peter added. He crouched down too, ignoring how his knee was instantly cold and soaked the moment it touched the pavement. “We need to get you home right now, okay?”

“…can’t… I can’t…” Rion huffed out.

He sounded like he was on the verge of hyperventilating. Not good. Peter had experienced variations of this with Noa. He didn’t have any of the new techniques from Doctor Maes memorized yet, but Rion wasn’t Noa so maybe…

“I want you to try and breathe deep and slow. Can you do that for me?” Peter asked.

Rion made a gesture, but it was so small and shaky that it was impossible to tell if it was a yes or a no. There was another rumble of thunder overhead and Rion made a desperate inhuman sound at the back of his throat.

“I need you to try,” Peter urged him. “Come on. Deep breath in, deep breath out.”

“We’re only a few blocks from home,” Danny said. “We can do it. We’re so close.”

Rion tried. Peter could see him making the effort. Rion’s breath hitched and then came in sharp again.

“It’s… I can’t…” he gasped out.

Peter gave it some thought. They weren’t getting anywhere like this, and they couldn’t just sit on the sidewalk in the middle of a storm. He looked at Rion, giving him an analytical once over. He was small, easily smaller than Peter…

“How about I carry you?” Peter offered, wondering if he could manage it. “It’s not too far…”

Rion shook his head.

“It’s a good idea,” Danny was quick to say. “I can carry you if you don’t want it to be Peter.”

“No one’s around so no one will know. If anyone does see, we’ll say that you were hurt. It’s not a lie. Sarina attacked you,” Peter said. He was familiar with the embarrassment that came from panic attacks and breakdowns and knew Rion might need reassurances. “Please, Rion. Let us help.”

Rion was curling in on himself further. It was going to be impossible to lift him if he was all balled up. And if he couldn’t calm down, what were they supposed to do?

“Maybe… I could get my parents’ car…?” Danny said.

“No! No cars…” Rion forced out.

“We can’t stay like this,” Peter said. “You need to make up your mind, Rion. I know that it’s really hard. It’s really, really hard. You have every reason to be upset, but we need to get you somewhere safe. You want that too, right?”

Rion nodded jerkily.

“Okay. Then let one of us carry you,” Peter said. “Unless you can walk. Or run. We can run.”

“Okay… Okay…” Rion said faintly. “Just…ngh…”

He tried to uncurl himself. He was shaking so badly and his breathing was growing ragged. He tried to stand but his legs were shaking as bad as the rest of him. Peter moved to offer his back, figuring that piggyback would be the easiest way to go about this. Danny gave them both a hand.

Rion ended up reluctantly clambering onto Peter’s back, clutching at him uncomfortably tight. Peter managed to stand upright. He shifted Rion, holding onto his legs to make sure he was supporting him. Rion wasn’t as heavy as Peter thought he would be, but he was still heavy enough that Peter knew he wasn’t going to make it anywhere far like this.

“Got him?” Danny asked.

“Yeah,” Peter said, starting to move. He wanted to get Rion home as fast as he could. “Rion, are you good?”

He didn’t get an answer. All he could hear was Rion’s sharp breathing in his ear.

Peter had only done this once or twice with Noa and he never needed to take him far. It was risky because Peter knew that if Rion freaked out, they could both get hurt. Not that it would be Rion’s fault. He was obviously terrified.

It was a rough walk down the street. The rain was coming down in a torrent now, and lightning lit the sky, thunder following loudly after. Every time, Rion flinched, his entire body shuddering as he clutched Peter like he was his only lifeline. Peter was sure Rion was crying but he deliberately ignored it, focused on trying to get to Rion’s house.

By the time they reached the front door, Peter was exhausted and out of breath. He crouched down for Rion to get off. Danny tried the door but it was locked.

“House keys,” Peter said. “Where are they?”

Rion stumbled off him and tripped over his own feet to scramble for the house. He hit the wall with a thump and leaned into it, shaking hands going for his pockets. He pulled his keys out and they jangled loudly from how badly his hands were shaking.

“Let me,” Danny said, taking the keys from Rion.

Danny got the door open and Rion stumbled inside. Peter and Danny followed him. Peter needed to catch his breath.

Rion slumped to the ground right in the entrance, curling into the fetal position. Now that he was out of the rain, he seemed to have given up entirely. He had his eyes clamped shut again, hands covering his ears, trying to block out any sound.

“We can’t leave him like this,” Peter said, turning to Danny who pulled the door shut behind them.

“What…what do we do?” Danny asked, obviously lost. “Should we call someone? Like, his dad or…? I don’t know…”

“First…first let’s…uh…” Peter said, trying to think for a second. “Wet clothes. Rion should change, but if he… I don’t think he can right now, so… Towels and blankets. We need to keep him warm.”

“Right,” Danny said. “I know where the towels are.”

“Then I’ll look for a blanket,” Peter said. “After that we’ll try calling his dad.”

“Okay,” Danny said and didn’t hesitate to hurry off. “Be right back!”

Chapter 17 – Peter

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Peter felt bad at the thought of leaving Rion alone in the entranceway. He was sure Danny would be back soon and he hoped that leaving Rion by himself for a couple minutes would give him a chance to process that he was inside and safe.

He leaned over to put a hand on Rion’s shoulder. Rion’s whole body shuddered at the contact.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Peter said, even though he wasn’t sure that Rion could hear him. He didn’t respond at all, staying balled up and shaking.

Peter headed upstairs reluctantly. He still remembered where Rion’s bedroom was since he’d been invited over a few times with Noa. He made a note to check the upstairs bathroom too, just to see if he could find a hot water bottle. Maybe he would grab dry clothes for Rion too, since he would eventually need to change.

Peter took a few breaths to steady himself as he took the stairs slowly, trying to focus. He was rattled, completely taken aback by Rion’s breakdown. He’d never seen him like this before, and while he’d seen Noa go through something similar, it was…different, unexpected. He’d seen Rion freak out during storms, but he’d never had a reaction anywhere near this bad.

Up on the landing, Peter came to a stop. Something felt off and it took him a second before it clicked.

All the doors were closed.

Peter remembered coming over as a kid and everything being open and bright. Without any doors open, the hall was dim, silent, and narrow. It felt smaller than Peter remembered. It made a strange feeling blossom in the pit of his stomach.

He did his best to ignore it, turning to the bathroom first. He opened the door and turned on the light.

Where the hallway felt smaller with the doors closed, the bathroom felt wider and emptier. The sink had its own little space next to the door and there was an open doorway separating the sink area from the bath and toilet.

Turning to the sink, he didn’t see anything that looked like it belonged to Rion. There was only one toothbrush in the holder, and the hairbrush was the kind that Peter knew Rion hated. It was one of those ball-tipped brushes. It had to be his dad’s.

He checked the cabinet and under the sink, but there wasn’t any sign of a hot water bottle. Then he stepped into the bath area and was greeted by a familiar sight.

The shower curtain was pulled around the bathtub.

It was just like home. Only, this wasn’t home.

Peter and his parents always pulled the shower curtain around the tub for Noa’s sake. He couldn’t go anywhere near a bathtub. But this was Rion’s place. So, why…?

Was it some habit that had rubbed off on Rion? He’d been so close to Noa when they were kids. Noa had visited Rion quite a few times. So…maybe?

But it still felt weird. Noa hadn’t come over to Rion’s in more than six years. That was a long time to stick with some old habit…

Just for his own sake, Peter peaked behind the shower curtain. There was nothing to see but the bath – nothing special. Tucking the curtain back in place, he decided that he couldn’t worry about that for now.

Peter left the bathroom, closing the door behind himself, and headed to Rion’s room. When he opened the door, he stood there blinking, wondering if he’d gone into the wrong room by mistake.

When they were young, Rion had been a normal, messy kid. Noa had always been the weird one for being overly neat and organized. But stepping into Rion’s room now, he found the whole room was pristine. The bed was even made, the pillow fluffed and untouched.

Peter was sure that not even Noa did his bed on the weekend. He almost felt guilty stealing the comforter.

He folded the blanket so that it would be easier to carry and then grabbed a pillow for good measure. Only, there was something underneath the pillow and Peter froze, recognizing it right away.

It was a friendship bracelet.

It looked like Rion’s. Peter was sure it was Rion’s. But the bracelet was intact. It wasn’t cut up or ruined and Peter had seen the one that was wrecked. Did Rion have two? How did he…?

Peter’s mind raced. He recalled Rion’s weird reaction to the bracelets… He’d perked up when Peter said Noa lost his bracelet. Did that relate to this somehow? Was that…? What did it mean?

Peter picked up the bracelet but hesitated. Now was not the time or place to bring this up with anyone. He couldn’t just take it either. Peter didn’t want to be like Sarina. But it felt wrong to leave the bracelet out in plain sight on the bed too.

He took a breath and turned to the nightstand. For now, he could leave it in the drawer. It would be out of sight and maybe…maybe he could ask Rion about it later.

He opened the nightstand drawer and stared.

In a clear, ziplock bag, sitting on top of everything else, was the cut-up friendship bracelet. There was really no mistaking it. The same colours and the string… Peter had seen it before. He remembered it clearly.

Peter stood there too long, at a loss. There really were two bracelets. But what did that mean? Was the cut-up bracelet a fake? But why would Rion fake that? And why would he fake ruining his bracelet and then keep the remains? Wouldn’t it make more sense to throw away, or…?

No. Wait. Did one of these bracelets belong to Noa?

Peter stared at the bracelets, sucking in a sharp breath as everything began to come together.

Noa’s bracelet was missing. Rion had two bracelets. One was cut up and ruined beyond repair, but the other was completely intact, like new.

But why would Rion hide this? Rion said he wanted to help find Noa’s bracelet. What did that mean? Did he want to give it back? Why did he have it in the first place, and…

Which bracelet was Rion’s?

Peter couldn’t tell.

Amber made their bracelets with the same colours and patterns but in the inverse. Where Rion’s bracelet was purple, Noa’s was yellow and where Rion’s bracelet was yellow, Noa’s was purple. Peter couldn’t tell them apart, standing there in that moment. He couldn’t remember which was which.

So, was Rion’s bracelet ruined? Or was it Noa’s?

And why hide this? Peter didn’t understand. If Rion had both their bracelets, why wouldn’t he say anything? It didn’t make sense. Rion had always been so firm and straightforward about destroying his bracelet. He never seemed like he had anything to hide because he always sounded so sure.

Did he hide the fact that he had Noa’s bracelet because he was worried about Sarina’s reaction? That would make sense. Noa might have asked him to hang onto it for safekeeping. After all, he had told Rion to leave him alone. Maybe Noa gave him his bracelet and wanted space…

Or…what if Noa…?

No. No, Noa wouldn’t wreck his friendship bracelet.

Would he?

Peter exhaled long and slow as he put the intact bracelet on top of the ziplock bag and then closed the drawer. He couldn’t think about it right now. He had to get back downstairs.

Rion was cold and wet and having a breakdown. All the friendship bracelet stuff could wait.

When Peter came downstairs, he found Danny in the entrance. Rion was sitting up now, draped in towels. Danny was helping to dry his hair.

“You should probably get a haircut soon,” Danny was saying to Rion, trying to keep his voice light. “It’s getting shaggy. My mom knows a really great place in the city. Maybe I could get her to drive us there and we could get our hair done. That sounds girly, but I swear that it’s so good! There’s a reason women go to those fancy salons – they really pamper you.”

“Maybe,” Rion said.

His voice was flat and dull, and he wouldn’t look up at them. Rion was visibly exhausted and spent. At the muffled rumble of thunder, his whole body shuddered, and he retreated into the towels, pulling them closer to himself.

Peter was relieved to see that Rion was starting to make a recovery. He went past them, through the doorway to the living room and set the blanket and pillow down on the couch.

“You should maybe sit down on the couch, Rion,” Peter said. “And you should change your clothes. Want me to grab you something? I can bring some stuff down for you if you want. Do you have a hot water bottle? That might help.”

“There might be one in the downstairs bathroom,” Rion mumbled. “Dunno.”

“I can look,” Danny said, springing to his feet. “I’ll put coffee on or something too. You just had a milkshake. You must be freezing, Rion!”

“I’m fine,” he mumbled.

Danny went sprinting off and Peter came around to check on Rion, kneeling next to him.

“Do you want me to stay the night?” Peter asked. “I can sleep over if you want me to.”

“No, no,” Rion was quick to say. “It’s fine. Dad’s coming home tonight. Probably.”

Probably. That wasn’t comforting to Peter. He really didn’t want to leave Rion here alone. He was a mess and though it was lucky he calmed down, he was still far from okay.

“Do you want me to grab you some clothes?” Peter asked. “Or is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I’m fine,” Rion said. “I just…I just want to be alone.”

Peter disliked that statement more than the last. Rion shouldn’t be alone right now, especially after everything he’d been through today. He’d been attacked by Sarina and had a breakdown caused by previous trauma…

“I’ll leave you alone but only after I’m sure that you’re going to be okay,” Peter told him. “Let’s get you to the couch first. Then I’m going to give Danny a hand and we’ll call your dad. Okay?”

“He won’t pick up the phone,” Rion said. “He never does.”

“I’m still going to try,” Peter said, ignoring the pang of emotion he felt at those words. “And if he doesn’t answer, I’ll stay here with you until he comes home. If your dad can’t make it home tonight, I’ll spend the night with you and I’ll skip class tomorrow. I’m not abandoning you right now, okay?”

“…Okay,” Rion said.

It sounded less like Rion agreed with him and more like he was exhausted and done with everything. Peter let it slide, standing up and offering Rion a hand. Rion took it.

Peter saw him to the couch and got Rion to sit. He pulled the comforter over, draping it over Rion and his towels and then offered Rion the pillow.

Rion took it but then his eyes grew wide. Impossibly wide. He stared up at Peter.

Rion didn’t say anything but they both knew that Peter saw the bracelet. Rion’s lips twitched like he wanted to say something, but no sound came out.

“I put it in your nightstand,” Peter said, keeping his voice low so that Danny wouldn’t hear. He figured it was better to be honest. “I won’t tell anyone but I have questions.”

“I… Okay,” Rion said stiffly.

His eyes were still wide and his shoulders tense. Peter felt bad for telling him. Still, it was better to be honest. The only other thing he could have done was leave the pillow and bracelet where they were. But then he couldn’t ask about it later without making it seem like he was snooping. This way, it should be clear that it was an accident.

“Okay,” Danny said, coming back with a filled hot water bottle in hand. He had it wrapped in a hand towel. “Take this, Rion. I put on some coffee too. You’ll be nice and cozy.”

“Thanks,” Rion said, accepting the hot water bottle and hugging it to his chest.

“Right. Then I guess we’ll have to call Mr. Blum,” Peter said. “I want to know if he’s coming home tonight.”

“Oh, right! Rion’s dad,” Danny said. “I’ll call. I don’t mind. Uh, he’d be at the office, right?”

“He’s got a cell phone,” Rion said. “I keep Dad’s numbers next to the phone there. He might not answer…”

“Right,” Danny said, already on the move. “I got this.”

Peter couldn’t help but wonder why Rion’s dad wouldn’t answer if he had a cell phone. Wasn’t the whole point that you could make calls anywhere?

Then again, some of his college friends had cell phones. According to them, the reception wasn’t always the best…

Danny made the call and stood there for a long moment. They watched him twirl his finger around the phone cord. After a beat, he hung up and tried again.

“He’s not picking up,” Danny finally said after hanging up a second time. “Can I try his office number?”

“Yeah. It should be the next one on the list,” Rion said.

Danny tried the office number. There still wasn’t a reply but Danny seemed to get through to the answering machine.

“Oh, hi,” Danny began. “This is Daniel Fox calling for Mr. Blum. I’m a friend of your son. Um… Rion, uh… He was kind of in a fight? And then it started storming so we brought him home. I just thought you should know. We were wondering when you were going to be home. Um… If you get this message, maybe call Rion back? Okay. Thanks. Bye.”

He hung up and then grimaced. “I suck so bad at leaving messages.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Peter said. “It’s good enough.”

“Mind if I call home?” Danny asked Rion. “I just want to let them know that I’m here.”

“Sure,” Rion said.

Peter glanced at the wall clock. He was surprised to find that it was almost six.

“It’s getting late,” he said. “You should eat something, Rion.”

“There’s, um… We have some microwave stuff in the freezer,” Rion said. “I don’t feel like cooking tonight.”

“I’m not letting you cook. Whatever’s in the freezer will be fine,” Peter told him. “I’ll get you some dry clothes and you can change down here. Okay?”

“You really don’t need to,” Rion said. “I’ll be fine. I’m okay. Thanks for getting me here, but–”

“You’re not okay,” Peter said, “and I’m not just going to leave you here like this. Just sit tight. I’ll get everything ready for you.”

Peter didn’t wait for Rion to answer. He went back upstairs and grabbed Rion some clothes, whatever looked loose and comfortable. He came back quickly and set them down on the couch.

“You should really get changed,” Peter said. “Don’t have a bath or shower since it’s storming pretty bad out there. Just go and get changed and I’ll make you something to eat.”

“You and Danny should have something too,” Rion said.

“I’m good,” Danny said. He had returned from calling home. “I’m not super hungry and I can pop by home if I need to. I don’t mind taking a sprint through the rain.”

“I’ll throw something together,” Peter offered.

“Actually… I think there’s nachos,” Rion said. He hesitated then cleared his throat. “Just microwave a big plate of that. There should be cheese and salsa and whatever.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “Nachos it is.”

Rion reluctantly went to get changed while Peter went and began to prepare them food. Danny came in to help, hovering in the doorway.

“We might want to change too, you know,” Danny said. “We’re still soaked.”

“I know,” Peter said. “Honestly, I’m hoping that we luck out and Mr. Blum shows up. But I’m not holding my breath.”

He wanted to tell Danny about the friendship bracelet. It was hard to keep it to himself when he wanted to talk about it, to question what was going on. But he didn’t want to break Rion’s trust and maybe there was an explanation for it.

Still, it was hard. Especially with Danny standing right there.

“I think we might have to spend the night here,” Danny said. “I live closer so I don’t mind sleeping over. I don’t have work or school. If you want to go home…”

“I do want to go home. Noa doesn’t like storms,” Peter said. “But after seeing Rion’s reaction, I can’t leave him.”

“Maybe you should call home yourself,” Danny suggested. “Your parents are probably starting to wonder where you are. And if Noa’s having a hard time…”

“You’re right,” Peter said.

The nachos were already heating up in the microwave. Everything was ready. They should be fine to just sit in the living room and take a breather. The sounds of the storm were muffled.

“Were there any more towels in the bathroom?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, a couple,” Danny said.

“Once Rion gets back, I’ll go grab them and we can try to dry off as best we can,” Peter said. “I’m going to make that call.”

Peter crossed the room and called home. His mom answered right away and he gave her a brief explanation. She was a little worried but understood the situation.

“How’s Noa?” he couldn’t help but ask.

“Unhappy,” Mom said. “He came down to the living to try and draw but he gave up a while ago. Charlie put on a movie to try and drown out the storm so they’re sitting on the couch together now. I just hope the power doesn’t go out.”

“Same here,” Peter agreed. “I’ll come home when I can. I don’t know how things are going to go. I just…can’t leave Rion like this.”

“And you said his father wouldn’t pick up the phone?”

“Well, he didn’t pick up. But he might not have reception or be at the office. It’s hard to say.”

His mother hummed, concerned. “Did you want me to drive over and bring you anything? Or maybe we could take Rion back to our place…”

“No,” Peter said, lowering his voice. “I think he’d have another breakdown if we put him in a car in this weather. I think it would be too much for him. I’ll just stay here. It’s fine. I’ll come home tomorrow.”

“If you’re sure. Take care, then. And call us if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay, Mom. Love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

“Bye,” Peter said and hung up.

He stood there for a moment, took a breath, and then headed back into the kitchen.

Danny had the plate of nachos ready, and he’d poured them each a cup of coffee. He was nibbling on a couple nachos. Rion still wasn’t back.

“No sign of Rion?” Peter asked.

“No,” Danny said. “I was starting to think about checking on him. …Nacho?”

He offered one to Peter but Peter shook his head.

“I’ll go check on him,” he said. “You eat that nacho. I’ll have some in a bit.”

“Want me to come too?” Danny asked, stuffing the whole chip in his mouth.

“No, he’s probably almost done,” Peter said.

Or else Rion was in the midst of a fresh breakdown. Peter knew that Noa got embarrassed whenever he had a freakout or a panic attack. He liked to run and hide and curl up away from everyone else. It wouldn’t be surprising if Rion was the same.

After all, who wanted to be seen as weird or damaged? Peter could understand. It wasn’t like Rion or Noa or anyone wanted to be visibly distressed in public. Peter imagined that if something like that happened to him, he would feel completely humiliated.

“I’ll be right back,” Peter said.

“If you’re not back in ten, I’m coming to check on you,” Danny said, grabbing another chip.

Chapter 18 – Peter

Sunday, September 12, 2004

When Peter reached the downstairs bathroom, he could hear faint sounds coming from inside. Rion was definitely still there. He didn’t hesitate to knock.

“Rion?” Peter asked. “Is everything okay in there?”

“…Um…kind of?” Rion answered.

His voice was wavering and Peter was sure he heard him sniffle. He was immediately ready to go and rejoin Danny. If Rion needed privacy to cry, he would give it to him.

“Okay,” Peter said. “The food is ready so you can join us whenever you’re done.”

He took a step back but there was a muffled curse and Rion called out, “Wait!”

Peter stopped and Rion opened the door. His eyes were red and his face was splotchy from crying, though he had wiped away any sign of tears. He was still in his wet clothes, standing there, looking uncomfortable in every sense of the word.

“What is it?” Peter asked.

Rion looked like he would rather be anywhere else. He looked down to his feet and then up, all the way to the roof, almost rolling his eyes back as he heaved out a long breath. He clenched and unclenched his hands, struggling to face Peter.

“I can’t get my shirt off,” Rion finally said.

Peter hadn’t been expecting that.

“You can’t…? Is it stuck on something?” Peter asked.

“No,” Rion said and there was an edge of humiliation in his voice. “It hurts too much when I lift my arms, and it… I can’t pull it up. I…I think I need help.”

The last part came out impossibly quiet. He looked like he was going to be sick.

If Rion didn’t look so embarrassed and vulnerable right now, Peter would have scolded him for not letting them take him to the hospital. Sarina had attacked him, he was already hurt from being attacked days before, and now he was physically struggling to undress.

Peter was frustrated and his distaste for Sarina was growing. He already hated what she’d done to Rion but seeing how bad it was, how injured Rion was… It made everything about the situation so much worse.

But the last thing Rion needed right now was judgement.

“I’ll help,” Peter said. “Show me how far you can lift your arms.”

Rion did as he was told, wincing in pain. He could lift both arms above his shoulders but not quite straight into the air. That was good enough for Peter.

“Okay. I’ll pull it off,” Peter said. “Try to keep your arms at a comfortable angle.”

He grabbed the bottom hem of Rion’s shirt and pulled it up. It wasn’t that soaked since Rion had been wearing a coat but the fabric still clung to him where it was wet. Rion hissed through his teeth at the motion and Peter couldn’t stop himself from letting out a sharp, angry hiss of his own as he pulled the shirt off completely.

He could see exactly why it hurt Rion to remove his shirt. He was covered all over in bruises, both old and new. There were a few fresh ones that were either from Eric the other day or from Sarina launching herself at him earlier. It looked like his sides had taken the most damage but there was at least one especially nasty bruise on his upper arm.

It was horrible to look at.

Peter stood, holding the wet shirt in his hands while Rion winced, crossing his arms over his chest self-consciously. There was a heavy, awkward silence.

“You know that this is bad,” Peter finally said, not even bothering to phrase it as a question. “Actually, it’s unacceptable. Have you told anyone?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Rion muttered, turning and grabbing the dry shirt. “It barely even hurts. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?” Peter asked him. He didn’t believe that at all, considering Rion struggled to pull off his own shirt from the pain. “Have you seen a doctor? Have you gone to the hospital?”

“No,” Rion said, “because it’s just bruises. It’s not that bad.”

“It is that bad,” Peter insisted. “You haven’t told anyone? Not even a teacher or your dad?”

“My dad isn’t around enough to notice,” Rion said, trying to pull on his fresh shirt. He was struggling with it, wincing in pain. “And even if I told him, what’s he gonna do? Call Sarina's parents? You know how they are, right? They’ll just yell at her or ground her or whatever, she’ll shrug them off, and then she’ll come right back around to take it out on me.”

Peter grimaced. He hated that Rion was right.

“What about the school? The teachers?” Peter asked.

“The best they could do is maybe give her detention, but they’re not even gonna do that much,” Rion said. “The teachers don’t give a shit about me. They think I’m the problem.”

A disbelieving laugh bubbled out of Peter. It sounded ridiculous but he wasn’t surprised. He was bitter. Because even he’d been upset with Rion. Somehow, he’d been blind to everything and blamed Rion for abandoning Noa.

It was like Rion accepted all the blame and hate from everyone and didn’t try to fight for his innocence. Why? He was hurting himself.

“We need to get you help,” Peter said. “If not from a teacher or your dad, then someone else. You aren’t just being bullied, you’re being assaulted and abused–”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rion cut him off. “Listen, I just have to put up with it for a little longer. Sarina and her friends have their limits. They never hurt me too bad. I just need to make it through the year and graduate and then I’m free.”

“Free?” Peter repeated in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

“School will be done,” Rion said. “I won’t have to see them anymore.”

“Are you planning on moving away?” Peter asked. “Do you know what you’re doing for post-secondary or have a job lined up? How are your grades?”

“I…I don’t know,” Rion said. He had stopped struggling to get his shirt on so that he could stare at Peter owlishly. “What does that matter?”

“As far as I know, Sarina and her friends don’t have any idea what they’re doing. And I doubt they’re just going to leave Misty Meadows,” Peter said. “If you don’t have a plan, if you’re going to stay here with them… Graduation won’t protect you. You think Sarina and her friends will leave you alone because you’re finished school? She didn’t have any issue attacking you in front of us at the park. She might get more aggressive if she’s bored and doesn’t have anything else to do.”

Rion looked comical with his shirt half on, arms through the sleeves, the fabric bunched up around his elbows, while he stared at Peter. But the situation was anything but funny. Rion stared in realization with wide eyes, the blood draining from his face.

“I…but… I won’t have to… I mean…” he said, struggling with his words.

Peter regretted speaking up. He didn’t mean to distress Rion. He shook his head.

“Let me help you with that shirt,” he said.

Rion looked a bit dazed while Peter pulled the shirt up, getting it over his head for him. Rion stood there, blinking as he pulled his shirt down, trying to think through what Peter said.

“Do you need help with your pants too?” Peter asked.

“No.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to… I’m worried about you, Rion. This is… This is really bad. I think you need to tell someone. Maybe you should go to the police and press charges.”

“What?” Rion said. “I can’t do that!”

“Why not?” Peter said. “This isn’t okay, Rion. Not even a little bit. What if this was happening to Noa? What if Sarina left bruises on him like that?”

“I’d never let her!” Rion snarled with sudden ferocity. It was like a switch had been flipped inside him. “I won’t ever let her touch him!”

“Yes, but she shouldn’t do it to you either,” Peter said. “It’s not okay and you need to talk to someone. You can’t just let this go on and cross your fingers hoping for things to work out once you graduate.”

“I can’t tell anyone,” Rion said. “There’s… I can’t…”

“Then tell us about it,” Peter said. “Tell Danny. Talk to Celeste and Jesse. At least let us support you. After what we saw today, we’re already on your side.”

Peter knew he’d said something wrong. He wasn’t sure what it was, but Rion’s expression changed, hardened. He squared his shoulders, turning away from Peter, coming across as defensive. Peter faltered, wondering what he’d done wrong.

“No, I… I don’t need help,” Rion said. “Look, just… Let me put on some pants. I need space.”

Peter wanted to keep pushing things. He hated that Rion was shutting him down. But there wasn’t much else he could do, not without damaging the tenuous relationship they’d just established.

“Fine,” Peter said even though it hurt to say. “Fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”

He stepped out, closing the door behind him. Peter headed back to the living room where he found Danny on the couch, nachos and coffee on the table in front of him.

“So…is Rion good?” Danny asked.

It was hard for Peter to stop himself from unloading everything that was piling up. He wished he could tell Danny everything and get his opinion; about the bracelet and about Sarina…about how Rion was obviously being abused by Sarina and how they should do something about it…

But Peter wanted to respect Rion’s privacy. As much as he could, anyway.

“He’s still sore from Sarina,” Peter said. “He needed help taking off his shirt.”

“He’s hurt that bad?” Danny said, worried.

Peter joined him on the couch, sitting with his elbows resting on his knees so that he could hang his head. He was tired.

“He’s hurt,” Peter said, keeping it simple. “I think he was hurt before and Sarina just made it worse today.”

Danny was silent for a moment and then said, “I’m really not okay with this. I can’t believe Sarina. I… Urgh… This is the worst.”

Peter had a feeling that it was much worse than either of them knew. If Sarina thought she was justified in attacking Rion in front of everyone, and if those bruises were any indication, what was she capable of when no one else was around? And what about her friends? They probably tormented Rion even when Sarina wasn’t there. How many people were attacking him, anyway? Three? Five?

“I’m done with her and her friends,” Peter said. “If I see them anywhere near Rion or Noa, I’m chasing them off. I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll fight them if I have to.”

“Yeah, I can’t really blame you for thinking that way,” Danny said. “Man… I hate this. How did it even happen? Why’d Sarina change? Things were so good when we were kids.”

Peter didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know where things had gone wrong, only that they had. Maybe it started when Amber died or maybe it was when Danny left. Maybe something had happened that Peter didn’t know about or it was something small that he couldn’t remember.

It didn’t matter either way.

“I guess we all grew up,” Peter said.

“That’s a stupid answer.”

“I know.”

“This is the kind of thing that makes me wish I had a time machine,” Danny said. “I know it’s a stupid thought, but if I could go back in time, like to the day Amber died, and just pull her out of the cabin…”

“You wouldn’t have been able to,” Peter said. “Noa and Rion tried to get her out. Noa was burned. They could have died.”

“Then I’d stop them from going to the cabin. Or from going to the lake,” Danny said. “Wouldn’t it have been better if they had stayed home and played cards that day or something? Then when we got the news that there was a fire at the lake, it would just seem like a freak thing. We’d be all, ‘Whoa! Great thing no one was there that day!’ and we would just…keep on going with our lives. Jesse and Amber would be married, and…and Sarina would be normal… Noa wouldn’t be having breakdowns and he’d still be hanging out with Rion, and…”

Danny faltered. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. Peter sat with him in silence for a moment.

“But we don’t have a time machine,” Peter said.

“Yeah…and it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” Danny added, letting out a weak laugh. “Even if time machines were real.”

“Depends on how the time travel works,” Peter said. “You’d most likely just create a parallel universe. Things would still be the same here.”

This time, Danny’s laugh was more genuine.

“Ha. Yeah,” he said. “I guess that’s true.”

There was the soft padding of bare feet as Rion came down the hall from the bathroom. He was freshly changed and he looked like he’d freshened up. He was more like himself, though he still shivered at the distant rumble of thunder.

“Hey,” Rion said, hovering in the doorway.

“Hey,” Danny returned. “How are you feeling? Better?”

“Yeah,” Rion said. He didn’t meet their gaze. “I, uh… I wanted to thank you. For helping me out. You didn’t need to go out of your way like this. I really appreciate it. So, thanks.”

“Oh, it’s no problem!” Danny was quick to say. “Couldn’t just abandon you out in the rain.”

“You could’ve,” Rion said. “But you didn’t. So…yeah.”

“Come here and have something to eat,” Peter said.

Rion came closer but he was watching them critically.

“You guys are still wet. Are you going to be okay?” he asked. “You can borrow something of mine or…uh…my dad’s. You’re really tall, Peter.”

“I want to wait a little longer,” Peter said. “We should eat first. If your dad isn’t home by then, we’ll change into something.”

“Are you sure?” Rion said. “He usually comes home pretty late.”

“This is a bad storm,” Danny said. “If he was staying in the city, I think he would have called by now. I'd assume he’d be able to get off work early because of the storm. He's probably on his way home right now.”

That made Rion look even more concerned. Peter quickly cut in, not wanting Rion to think too hard about his father being out in the storm. They didn’t need Rion spiralling again.

“Eat something,” Peter told him. “Come on. The nachos are already cold.”

Rion was reluctant, but he did join them. The nachos were lukewarm, the cheese getting stiff, but they still tasted fine. Pretty soon the plate was clear and Peter took it to the sink, along with their empty cups. As he came back, there was a noise at the front entrance.

Rion froze as the sounds of wind and rain filled the house from the front door opening. He relaxed a second later when his father peeked into the room.

“Dad,” Rion said and there was undeniable relief in his voice.

“Rion,” his father responded.

Mr. Blum was damp from walking up the front steps, his hair windswept. In looks, he reminded Peter a little of his own father, broad shouldered with brown hair and green eyes. But he was thinner, his features sharper and less boxy. Mr. Blum always looked like he was on the edge of exhaustion, a hint of dark circles beneath his eyes. His gaze was always distant, like his mind was elsewhere.

“Hi, Mr. Blum,” Danny said. “It’s been a while.”

“Danny?” Rion’s dad said, blinking at him. “Didn’t your family move away a few years back?”

“Yeah, uh, we moved back to town,” Danny said. “We’re neighbours, actually.”

“Hello, Mr. Blum,” Peter added. “Rion was in a fight and then it started storming so we brought him home.”

Rion shot him an unhappy look, but Peter felt justified. He’d told the truth without even mentioning Rion’s breakdown.

“Oh…thank you,” Mr. Blum said, looking relieved and grateful. “I came home as fast as I could. Some of the roads were blocked off. I got off early because of the storm but I still had trouble making it home on time.”

“You made it though,” Danny said. “We were all just hanging out so it’s fine.”

“Thank you,” Mr. Blum said. He sounded sincere, relieved. “Rion, are you okay? Are you managing all right? What’s this about a fight?”

“It’s fine. I’m okay,” Rion said. “It wasn’t even really a fight. More like an argument. It’s nothing. Danny and Peter came home with me and we’ve been hanging out. Everything’s good.”

“Did you eat already?” Mr. Blum asked. “I could make something.”

“We actually just had nachos,” Danny said.

Mr. Blum thought about that for a moment. “Nachos… That’s a good idea. Quick and easy. Maybe I’ll do the same. Did you boys need a ride home?”

“I actually live across the street,” Danny said and turned to Peter. “I was going to ask if you wanted me to drive you home. I kind of have to. Mom already told me she’d be pissed if you walked.”

“Sounds good to me,” Peter said.

“You’re going now?” Rion asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Danny said.

“I’ll call you,” Peter said to Rion. “We’ll pick a date for you to come over and see Noa. Maybe sometime this week.”

Rion seemed to have totally forgotten that they were going to make plans for him to visit Noa. He blinked, eyes widening.

“Oh! Right,” he said. “Thanks, Peter.”

“Yes, and thank you for looking out for Rion,” Mr. Blum told them sincerely. “It’s good to know that he has friends that he can count on.”

That made Peter’s insides do a guilty flip. Not even a week ago he wouldn’t be here, worried about Rion. He would have been home, trying to comfort Noa. Rion would have been the furthest thing from his mind.

“No problem,” Danny said. “Rion can count on us.”

There were a few more awkward exchanges as they said their goodbyes. Mr. Blum was really grateful but, more importantly, Rion looked much more relaxed. Peter assumed it was because his father was home. That was a small relief.

After their goodbyes, Danny and Peter had to jog across the street in the rain. It was easing up, the thunder a little more distant.

Peter was only half thinking about getting home, his mind elsewhere as they entered Danny’s house to get the car keys. There was so much going on – so much that he hadn’t known was going on. He felt like he’d overlooked too many important things and people had been hurt.

Peter had a lot to think about.

Chapter 19 – Jesse

Monday, July 6, 1998

“Oh God, I hate the cabin’s ancient electricity,” Amber groaned. They waited almost a full ten seconds for the lights to flicker on after stepping inside and hitting the light switch. “I really wish someone would come and fix it already.”

“Your dad’s going to get the rewiring done soon, isn’t he?” Jesse asked, kicking off his flip-flops and stretching. “He was talking about it this weekend.”

“He’s been talking about it every weekend for ages now,” Amber said, stepping out of her own sandals. “He called around to get it done but we can’t seem to find anyone to do it. Half the electricians don’t want to come out to the lake. I just hope we get it done before winter. I can’t stand another year of this.”

They’d visited the cabin this weekend, literally yesterday. It was just as they had left it: warm, cozy, and rustic. The blanket on the couch was still rumpled from where Peter left it after falling asleep reading, but they’d put everything else away. Or Noa and the Murphys had put everything away. Noa usually left things looking nicer than when he’d arrived.

“Well, I guess we’d better get looking,” Jesse said. “Noa said he forgot his sketchbook in his and Peter’s room, right?”

“Yeah,” Amber said, heading inside and glancing around. Her long dark hair was loose today and it swayed with the motion, glossy and smooth. Jesse was mesmerised. “I want to find it first so that we can hang out guilt-free.”

“I wouldn’t want to come all the way out here and go back empty handed,” Jesse said, admiring his girlfriend as he followed her to the bedrooms. “You’re sure Angelo won’t tell your parents that he drove me up here with you?”

“I’m sure,” Amber said, turning to flash him a smile. “He’s actually sneaking up here to visit his own girlfriend. I also helped him get Danny’s birthday present ready for tomorrow, so he owes me.”

Jesse still couldn’t help but be a little wary. It was hard sneaking around to try and steal some privacy with Amber. It was more than worth it, but he worried about what would happen if their parents found out. His parents wouldn’t be impressed with him and though he thought Amber's mom might let it slide, Jesse was sure that Charlie Murphy would kill him if he knew.

And Jesse happened to really like Amber’s dad. He was cool. The last thing Jesse wanted to do was piss him off.

As expected, the bedroom was cleaned up, the bed made and sheets folded like it was one of those fancy rental beach-front cabins. Noa had definitely slept in here.

It was hard to believe that Noa left anything behind, though. He was always so organized and neat. But he was only human, and a kid too. Still, Jesse didn’t see the sketchbook when he looked around the room.

“Did he say where he left it?” Jesse asked while Amber checked the nightstand.

“He wasn’t too sure,” Amber said.

She didn’t find what she was looking for in the drawer so she bent over, looking under the bed. Jesse was distracted by the sight, enjoying how Amber’s jean shorts hugged her body and how her legs–

“Mind checking the dresser?” Amber asked.

“Yeah!” Jesse said too quickly, spinning around. “Dresser. Right.”

He didn’t see anything on top of the dresser, so he started checking the drawers. He snuck a glance back at Amber, but she was already standing again, moving around the bed and looking around with a frown.

“Weird,” she said. “I thought it would be easy to find… Nothing in the dresser?”

“No,” Jesse said, checking the last drawer. “Nothing. Maybe he left it in another room? Like the bathroom? Or maybe the living room?”

“Might as well take a look, I guess,” Amber said with a sigh. “I was hoping to tell my parents that I took so long because the sketchbook was hard to find. I didn’t expect it to actually be hard to find. This might cut into our private time a bit…”

“We only just started looking,” Jesse said. “Start worrying once we’ve finished searching the cabin.”

“Cut me some slack,” Amber huffed, but she said it with the beginning of a sly smile. “I want to kiss and cuddle my boyfriend, okay?”

The look made Jesse’s face grow hot. He let out an awkward laugh, voice catching as he got flustered.

“Yeah, same here,” he said.

“Oh? Really?” Amber said teasingly. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Jesse. What’s he like?”

“Amber…you know what I mean,” he said. “I want to kiss and cuddle you.”

“I can’t help teasing you! You’re so cute when you blush,” she said, grinning and nudging him before slipping away and heading out of the room. Jesse hurried to follow her. “The sooner we find Noa’s sketchbook, the sooner we can have some time together.”

Jesse fought to keep his mind on task. It was really hard to keep it from wandering with Amber teasing him like that. He had to think of Noa…think of the sketchbook…

“It’s, um…hardcover, right?” Jesse said. “All black?”

“That’s the one,” Amber said. “Let’s try my parents’ room, then mine, and the bathroom. We can check the living room after that, and then…I guess double check everything?”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Jesse said.

They searched any place the sketchbook might have been left behind. They went through the master bedroom pretty quick, since they were sure Noa wouldn’t linger there. Noa had spent some time with Danny, Rion, and Amber in her room, so they were a little more thorough there.

“How do you feel about ‘Garnet’?” Amber asked as she looked through her dresser.

“Garnet?” Jesse repeated, wondering what that was supposed to mean. “Like the gemstone?”

“Yeah. Like, for a baby name. How does Garnet sound?”

Jesse turned to her sharply, sputtering in shock. “Y-you…! What?! Are you…?!”

“Oh! No, no!” Amber said quickly. “I’m not pregnant or anything! I just had my, um…‘monthlies’ last week.”

Amber let out an embarrassed giggle and Jesse relaxed a bit, though his heart was still pounding in his chest. He let out a small, relieved breath.

“Warn a guy next time,” Jesse said. “I almost had a heart attack thinking I was going to be a teenage dad.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I was just thinking about it. I mean…there’s always a chance… But I’m hoping to have kids after we’re done school, at least. Preferably after we’re married. I’d rather not scare my parents.”

“Same here,” Jesse wholeheartedly agreed.

He knew that sneaking around and getting intimate was risky. Even though they tried to be careful, there was a chance that Amber could get pregnant. They’d already talked about it several times and agreed that if it did happen, they would be responsible about it. They were committed. They loved each other. They were more than willing to figure out parenting together, even if they were kind of young for it.

But the thought was still terrifying. Jesse didn’t want to imagine what kind of conversation he’d have to have with their parents. He’d rather be out of school and working before they started having kids together.

“I was just thinking…it might not be a bad idea to think up some names,” Amber said. “We’ve already talked about the wedding a bunch. We both want kids so why not, right? So…”

“Garnet?” Jesse said.

“Yeah! Garnet,” Amber said. “Opinions?”

“It’s…not my first choice?” Jesse said, wincing. “I mean, it’s not a bad name, but with you and Peter… Do you really want to give our kid a gemstone name?”

“I was starting low on the list so that I could build up to the cool names. Like Diamond!” Amber said with a grin.

“What if we had a boy?”

“Diamond can be a boy’s name.”

“Maybe if you want our kid to get bullied…”

“Okay, okay. No rock names,” Amber said. “What about seasons? Like Autumn?”

“Do we have to name our kid after a thing?” Jesse said. “Like, why not Andy or Tyler or something.”

“Robin?” Amber said, looking hopefully.

“Robin…as in Batman’s sidekick?” Jesse asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! Like the bird, silly.”

“I…don’t think I’m into it,” Jesse said. “What is up with the names you’re into?”

“I don’t know. I like what I like,” Amber laughed. “Actually…I do have a name in mind…but I was just warming up.”

“Now I’m a little scared,” Jesse said. “Okay. What is it?”

Amber looked at him shyly. She hesitated to answer but eventually gave in.

“Riley.”

“…Well, that’s better than the other names,” Jesse said.

“You like it?” Amber asked, perking up.

“Not…really,” Jesse said. “But it’s better! I’d pick it over Garnet or Autumn for sure.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Well, that’s a relief. No, but really, I think it’s a cute name. It could really work!”

“If you make me decide now, the answer will be a firm no,” Jesse said. “Come on, Amber. We have lots of time to decide that stuff.”

“I know, but I really like the name,” Amber said. “You know what? Think about it. Let it grow on you. Like moss on a tree.”

“That’s a weird mental image,” Jesse huffed. “Aren’t we supposed to be looking for that sketchbook?”

“We can talk and look at the same time, Jesse! Don’t ruin my fun.”

“Fine, fine…”

They searched the rest of the cabin, not finding anything. The only books they came across were some dusty, worn paperbacks and some National Geographics, if the magazines in the bathroom counted for anything.

“I don’t know where it could have gone,” Amber said while she checked between the couch cushions in the living room. “Mom’s going to be really upset it I don’t find it for Noa. I’m pretty sure it’s one of his therapy sketchbooks.”

“Therapy sketchbooks?” Jesse asked while he looked around the simple kitchen and dining area. “It’s something that he goes over with his therapist?”

“I think so? I’m not really sure since his sessions are, you know, private,” Amber said. “He draws all the time, but I know he takes some of his sketchbooks with him to his appointments. Mom mentioned something about it once… I think it was something about Noa expressing his thoughts and feelings through his art…? Or something like that.”

“Basically, we have to find it because it’s really important to Noa,” Jesse said. “Okay. I guess we’ll just have to take a second look through the cabin then. It’s got to be somewhere in here.”

“Yeah,” Amber sighed. “Urgh. I wanted to have a moment where it was just the two of us together. Instead, we’re crawling around looking for this sketchbook… I’m going to be so mad if he just lost it at home or something.”

“You’d never get mad at Noa,” Jesse said.

“No! Of course not! It’s not his fault or anything. I’ll just be mad. In general.”

“Well…if I have to crawl around and look for a sketchbook, I’d rather do it with you.”

“Jesse, I love you and you’re sweet. But please butter me up after we find this sketchbook.”

“Okay.”

They returned to Noa’s room to double check everything. This time, Jesse took a closer look at the bed.

“How does he fold the sheets like that?” Jesse commented.

“I don’t know,” Amber said. “He must have learned from Aunt Wendy. Mom folds them just like that. Must be a family thing.”

“Did your mom show you how to do it?”

“No. Maybe I should ask…”

Jesse hadn’t really noticed how Mrs. Murphy folded the sheets, but he took Amber’s word for it. It looked professionally done. He felt a little bad pulling the sheets back.

“What are you doing?” Amber asked. “You’re not getting into bed, are you?”

“No. No way,” Jesse said. “We didn’t check in the bed, so I thought that maybe…”

Not seeing anything under the sheets, he lifted the pillow. And there it was.

“Tah-dah!” Jesse said, picking up the sketchbook.

“You’re my hero, Jesse!” Amber said. “Oh, thank God! Now we can finally do what we want!”

Jesse offered it to her and Amber reached out for it. He thought she had it when he passed it to her and let go too soon. The sketchbook slipped through Amber’s fingers, flipping through the air, falling open, pages down.

“Oh, whoops. Sorry!” Jesse began.

“It’s fine,” Amber said, scooping the book up, and flipping it over to take a look. “As long as the pages aren’t…”

Something in the sketchbook caught her eye. She hesitated, frowning. Jesse leaned forward, wondering what it was she saw but she quickly closed the book.

“We shouldn’t look,” she said quickly. Amber was still frowning though. “It’s private.”

“Did he draw something weird?” Jesse asked, wondering what she saw.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said and then flashed him a smile. It wasn’t quite as bright as before. “I’m just going to set this near the front door so that we don’t forget it.”

“Then we can cuddle?” Jesse asked hopefully.

“Then we can cuddle,” Amber said, her smile finally reaching her eyes. “Come on. We only have so long before Angelo comes knocking to pick us up.”

“If he’s really here to spend time with his own girlfriend, I think we’ll have plenty of time,” Jesse said, grinning back at her.

Chapter 20 – Noa

Monday, September 13, 2004

Noa woke on the floor next to his bed in a panic, flailing and struggling with his tangled sheets. His heart was thundering in his chest, and he thrashed frantically, kicking and pulling on the fabric until he was free.

He lay on the floor, panting, digging his fingers into the carpet. The panic began to dim now that he realized it was just a nightmare, that he was safe in his room.

There wasn’t a fire. No one was hurt. But an uneasy, anxious feeling replaced the fear, and with it came a nauseating wave of guilt.

Noa curled himself into a ball. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about anything.

He pulled his fingers from the carpet to knot them in his hair. He bit the inside of his cheek until the pain was enough of a distraction that his thoughts couldn’t race around in his head.

He was in his bedroom. He was at his aunt and uncle’s. It was raining outside.

He wasn’t at the cabin. Amber wasn’t here. She was dead. She was gone. She was never coming back.

He had to think of something else. He had to do something else. He couldn’t lie on the floor or he’d sink into his thoughts.

Noa forced himself up onto his hands and knees. He closed his eyes, breathing deep. He was shaking and covered in cold sweat, shivering, disgusting. He needed a shower.

He swallowed, breathing slowly through his nose, trying not to puke. He stayed like that on his bedroom floor until the feeling finally began to subside. Gradually, he pushed himself up, using his bed for support as he pulled himself to his feet. Standing, he tried to center himself, to compose himself, to not fall apart.

The bed was a mess of sweaty, rumpled sheets. He stared down at it, flexing his hands, trying to focus, do what needed to be done. The messy bed gave him something to think about, something to do.

He began to pull the sheets from the bed with shaking hands, bundling them up. After having a nightmare and sweating like a pig, he’d need to wash everything. He set that on the floor next to his door and then went to grab some clean clothes.

His bedside clock read 7:16 a.m. Rain pattered against his window, the curtains unable to muffle the sound. There wasn't any sign of thunder or lightning so it should be safe to shower. He would make it quick.

Noa slipped out of his room and then stopped, leaning into the wall.

Amber’s door loomed in his peripheral vision. He refused to look at it. His chest tightened and his skin crawled with the sensation of invisible eyes watching him.

Noa turned towards the bathroom. He slunk down the hall, leaning heavily into the wall for support.

There were faint sounds from downstairs. The Murphys were already up. They were early risers and Noa was grateful that his nightmare hadn’t alerted them. The last thing he wanted was them fussing over him.

Showering, freshening up, and getting dressed made Noa feel like a person again. He could breathe easier and he wasn’t shaking anymore. But nausea still lingered in the pit of Noa’s stomach. He didn’t want breakfast and he hoped his aunt didn’t try to make cereal for him when he came downstairs.

When Noa came out of the bathroom, he planned on heading to his room so that he could collect his laundry. But Peter was in the hall, waiting for him.

Noa stopped and gave Peter a flat, unblinking stare. He was unhappy with his cousin. There was a terrible storm last night and Peter hadn’t come home when he was supposed to. Not only was Noa stressed from the storm, the thunder and the lightning, but he’d been worried about Peter, wanting him to come home. When he finally did, Noa hurried off to his room and threw himself in bed, not wanting to hear Peter’s explanation.

And then he’d had a nightmare about the lake.

“Good morning, Noa,” Peter said. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Noa didn’t answer. He slipped by Peter and headed for his room. He stuck to the wall again, only glancing up for a fraction of a second, long enough to see Amber’s door. It was closed but seeing it made Noa’s heart race.

The flashes of light and the cracks of thunder… They reminded him of back then, at the cabin.

He didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want to think about it.

He didn’t want to remember what happened to Amber.

“Noa?” Peter said, following him. “Please, can I talk to you? I wanted to apologize for last night.”

Noa hesitated, standing in the doorway to his room. He tilted his head, listening.

“I know you hate storms. I wanted to come home, but some things happened last night with Rion.”

Rion?

Noa turned back to Peter, caught off guard. He knew that Peter went out with Danny yesterday, but he didn’t know where they’d gone or what they’d done. Peter had been vague, saying that he had some things he needed to do before he’d left.

But Peter had gone to see Rion? Why? What happened?

“Can we sit and talk about some things? Please?”

Noa gave in. He nodded to Peter and then went to sit down on his stripped bed. Peter joined him, noticing the pile of laundry.

“Changing the sheets first thing in the morning?” he commented. “Am I interrupting?”

Noa wasn’t about to tell him about his nightmare. He shrugged, refusing to explain himself. He wanted to know about Rion and that was all. Fortunately, Peter knew when to drop a subject.

He was hesitating though. Peter was frowning the way he did when he was trying to sort out his thoughts.

“Danny asked me to meet with him and some of the others yesterday,” Peter finally said. “Jesse, Celeste, Sarina, and Rion were all there. Sarina and Rion have been…having problems…so Danny wanted them to apologize to each other.”

Problems? What problems?

Peter didn’t talk much about Sarina or Rion over the years. He’d expressed his frustration that Rion didn’t visit Noa, but as for Sarina… Peter didn’t like talking about her and Noa was fine with that. He was more put out by Peter’s frustrations with Rion, though Noa knew it was his own fault. Noa had been the one to fight with Rion and chase him away.

“Things didn’t work out the way they were supposed to,” Peter said. “Sarina… She’s been fighting with Rion. Physically fighting him. She’s been beating him up with her friends and she…she attacked Rion in front of us.”

“She what?” Noa said, his head whipping up.

Sarina hurting Rion? Unacceptable! Why would she even…? No! How could she! How dare she!

“I know,” Peter said darkly. “I knew they were fighting, but I didn’t know how bad it was. I feel so stupid. I had to help him take his shirt off the other day, and… He was bruised all over. She’s hurting him – not just pushing him around or whatever. I’m surprised he hasn’t broken anything, and… I’m really, really worried about him. I thought… It doesn’t matter what I thought because I was wrong about everything.”

Noa was more than upset. It made his chest feel unbearably tight. He pressed his fingers too hard against his legs, fingernails digging in and stretching the fabric of his pants.

Was that his fault? Had he failed Rion? Was it something he’d done?

But why would Sarina do that?! She was annoying when they were kids, but she was never violent! She never hit anyone! Why was she like that now? Noa didn’t understand.

He remembered how his parents used to fight, their long screaming matches. And he couldn’t count the times he was shouted at and grabbed by the arm or the hair or hit because he was being stupid and bad…

He sort of understood why it happened, even though it wasn’t right. He could understand that he was bad. He could understand that he was wrong. He could understand that he was stupid and got in the way and ruined everything.

But Sarina… She didn’t have a reason! Rion didn’t do anything to deserve that! Rion was good!

“Noa?” Peter said. “Are you okay? I’m sorry. I know this is upsetting…”

Noa opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He took a breath and then exhaled before trying again.

“I’m upset,” Noa said honestly, though there was more to it than that.

“Me too,” Peter said. “Everyone is. We kind of… Well, Danny told Sarina they weren’t friends.”

He found himself nodding, agreeing with Danny. That was the right thing to do.

“There was…something else too,” Peter said. “After we found out what Sarina was doing, we ditched her and spent some time with Rion. I invited him over, but… Rion told me that he stopped coming to see you because you told him not to. Is that true?”

“We had an argument,” Noa admitted, feeling obligated to answer Peter’s question. He hated talking about it. “I was upset.”

“Because of Amber?” Peter asked.

Noa turned away. He was still trying to avoid going back to the nightmare from last night, the thoughts of fire burning everything to the ground. The storm had made the memories fresh again.

“…I understand. At least, I think I do,” Peter said. Noa disagreed but he let Peter believe what he wanted. “There was something else I wanted to ask you about. I’m worried about Rion, but… This might seem off topic, but I want to know… What happened to your friendship bracelet?”

It was like Peter had reached into the hollow space inside Noa’s heart and pulled it wide open.

He didn’t want to answer that. He didn’t want to talk about that. Not the friendship bracelet.

No.

Noa shrugged. Peter was staring at him intensely. Noa could feel it. He tried to ignore Peter’s gaze but it was impossible.

“Noa, Rion has two friendship bracelets. I saw them both,” Peter said. “He has one that’s wrecked and one that’s intact. I know you said you lost yours, so I’m wondering if Rion has it.”

Those stupid friendship bracelets…

Noa had thrown it in the garbage. It should have stayed there and been taken out with the trash. But Rion had scooped it right out.

“Please, you can’t throw it away,” Rion had said to him in tears. “Let me keep it for you. You might want it again one day. Amber…s-she made it for you. She… Please, Noa…”

That’s when Noa had snatched it from him. He’d grabbed a pair of scissors and viciously cut it to pieces.

Rion tried to take it from him. They’d fought. Noa had pushed Rion away, and…

Noa hated thinking about it. He hated remembering. All his memories were blackened, tainted, painful.

He wished the bracelet was gone. He should have burned it, but he couldn’t go anywhere near fire. Not after Amber… But if the bracelet was gone completely, burned away like the cabin, he wouldn’t have fought with Rion and Peter wouldn’t have anything to ask about.

“Noa,” Peter tried again, “does Rion have your bracelet?”

Noa kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to say anything. He wanted Peter to leave it and forget about it.

“This is really important. Sarina’s been fighting with Rion because of the bracelets. I need to know if one of them is yours.”

…What? Why would Sarina care about the friendship bracelets and what Rion did or didn’t have?

“Rion’s been telling everyone that he cut up his bracelet.”

But Rion didn’t do it. Noa was the one who destroyed his bracelet. Rion wasn’t that kind of person. Rion was good. Noa was the horrible one who wrecked everything. Why would anyone believe that Rion was as bad as he was?

“I want to know what’s going on, Noa. I’m trying to understand. Does Rion have your bracelet? Did you leave yours with him?”

Yes, but not willingly. Rion took it. And after that fight, he’d told Rion to leave him alone and go away.

Rion listened to him. Because Rion was a good person and a good friend.

“Please tell me what’s going on.”

But Noa was thinking. He was piecing everything together.

It all made sense.

Rion took Noa’s ruined bracelet. Sarina must have seen it and Rion said it was his. He was probably hiding his real bracelet, but Peter must have found both.

Sarina was beating up Rion because she thought he wrecked his bracelet.

She should be beating on Noa. That was his fault. He was the one who did it. He was a horrible person. He was a monster. Was Sarina really stupid enough to think that Rion had done something like that?

Noa put his face in his hands. His chest hurt. This was all wrong and it was his fault. Everything was always his fault.

No wonder Rion tried to give him his own, intact bracelet. It made sense now. He was trying to protect him.

Rion always tried to protect him.

“Noa…”

“It’s mine,” Noa said. “It’s my bracelet. I cut it up and Rion took it.”

Peter was silent for a long moment and when he spoke, his voice was heavy with disappointment and pain.

“Why, Noa?”

Noa wanted to curl up and disappear. He bit his tongue until it prickled painfully.

“I didn’t want to look at it anymore,” Noa finally said. “It’s a lie.”

“What’s a lie?” Peter asked. “What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t Amber’s friend,” Noa said, his voice breaking. His eyes stung with tears. “I was horrible to her. I didn’t save her. I killed her. Everything is all my fault–”

“No! No, Noa, that’s not true at all!” Peter said and immediately pulled Noa into a tight hug. “Didn’t we already tell you not to blame yourself? It was an accident. We all knew that the cabin needed to be rewired. It was an electrical fire. It… No one could have predicted things would happen the way they did. It was all just really, really bad luck and timing, and…”

Noa clung to Peter because it was all he could do. He was overwhelmed, his heart in his throat, tears in his eyes.

And Peter was wrong. He was wrong. He was so wrong.

It was Noa’s fault! Everything was his fault.

If things had been different! If he had just… If he hadn’t been so stupid and emotional and… He shouldn’t have put everything on Rion! He should have been paying attention! He should have…!

He should have…

But he didn’t.

Noa’s thoughts were an angry, guilt-ridden rush. He clutched at Peter for something to hold onto, burying his face against him, wanting for all his feelings to stop.

He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t speak. He felt sick to his stomach and his only clear thought was that he hated himself.

Noa had no right to seek comfort from Peter. He had no right to even be here in this house.

It should have been him. He should have died. He should have drowned in a bathtub years and years ago, before ever coming to live with the Murphys.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said, holding him close. “I’m sorry for bringing this up first thing in the morning. I should have waited. You’re seeing Doctor Maes today, right? You should tell her this stuff. Please, Noa. I can go in with you if you want.”

“No,” was all Noa could say into Peter’s shirt.

He didn’t want to talk about any of this.

He just wanted it to be over.

Chapter 21 – Peter

Monday, September 13, 2004

Peter needed to tell someone what Noa said, but he had to sort out his own thoughts first.

Noa was his priority. He broke down completely in Peter’s arms, and Peter regretted not being with him through the storm. He wished he could do more than offer hugs and back rubs until Noa finally had enough.

“I…I want to be alone,” Noa said, sniffling and puffy eyed when he pulled away.

Normally, Peter would be happy to hear Noa talking to him but those were not at all the words he wanted to hear.

“How about we do your laundry together instead,” Peter said. “Once your sheets are in the wash, you should have some breakfast.”

Noa couldn’t hide the unhappy twist that his mouth did at the mention of food.

“Mom was going to make scrambled eggs,” Peter added. “You like eggs. Maybe we could throw some bacon on too.”

Despite being puffy eyed and sniffly, Noa’s expression was sliding into something more neutral again. Peter knew that was a good sign.

“Come on,” Peter said, getting to his feet and offering Noa a hand. He knew he’d won him over when Noa put a hand in Peter’s and allowed himself to be helped up. “Laundry, food, and then you can get ready for your appointment.”

Noa was back to being his quiet self while Peter helped him with his laundry. Once they had the wash going, Peter went to help his mom with breakfast. With bacon on the table, Noa ate without picking at it. Peter was encouraged by that.

While Noa finished breakfast, Peter pulled his mother aside.

“Noa’s having a rough morning,” he told her.

“I was going to check on him, but I was hoping I could give him a chance to sleep in,” his mom admitted. “He’s got an appointment with Dr. Maes and I wanted to take him to the city after and pick up some groceries. I’m not too sure about the roads with all this rain, though…”

“The highway should be good,” Peter said but he hesitated. “I’m skipping class today. I’m already ahead on all my coursework and I have some things to take care of in town, but… Did you want me to come with you to get groceries after Noa’s appointment? I don’t mind.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I can manage. I’ll drive slowly. If the roads are too rough, I’ll turn around and come home,” she said but she was frowning. “What do you have to take care of?”

“It’s just some stuff with friends,” Peter told her. “I was going to call Danny. There’s been a lot going on and I want to catch up with him.”

“Oh, okay. Well, as long as you don’t make a habit of skipping class,” his mom said. “I know you’re really diligent but bad habits stick.”

“I haven’t called in sick for anything in years. I can miss one day,” Peter said.

Peter was an honour roll student who was regularly at the top of his class, and he was more than confident that he could catch up. He needed to take the day to collect himself. He wouldn’t be able to pay attention in class with everything that was going on.

“Drive safe,” Peter added, “and keep an eye on Noa. It’s a bad month for him.”

“I know,” she said. “Peter… I just want to say thank you again. You’re such a big help with everything. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

“It’s not a problem,” Peter said. “I like helping.”

“I know but I’m still grateful,” she said.

His mom pulled him into a hug and he hugged her back. They kept it brief, but when she pulled away, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He made a face.

“Don’t get too mushy on me, Mom,” he said.

“You’re my son. I reserve the right to be mushy any time I want. Deal with it,” she told him. “When will you be heading out? Soon?”

“I’m just going to call Danny. Then we’ll see,” Peter told her. “I’ll probably head out right away.”

Peter felt an anxious need to talk to someone about the bracelets. He’d told Rion he wouldn’t tell anyone but…now it was different. Noa told him what really happened. It changed things.

He called up Danny as his mom and Noa were getting ready to leave for Noa’s appointment. Mr. Fox picked up the phone but at Peter’s request, he passed it over to Danny.

“Hi, Peter!” Danny began.

“I need to talk to you,” Peter said without any hesitation, lowering his voice. “It’s about Rion and Noa and the friendship bracelets. It’s really important.”

“I… Okay. Sure,” Danny said, sounding mildly surprised. “Did you want to meet up somewhere, or…?”

“I can come over to your place,” Peter said. “I want privacy. Can we hang out in your room? Would that be okay?”

“…Suuuuure,” Danny said, clearly hesitant. “I’ll just… Yeah. Okay. When are you coming over?”

“I’ll be there in ten,” Peter said.

“Ten…minutes? Hey, wait–!”

Peter had already hung up. He felt guilty but he really couldn’t wait. He needed to talk to someone. The sooner the better.

When he arrived, Peter was greeted at the door by Mr. Fox, who let him in with a warm smile.

“Hi, Peter. Haven’t seen you in a while,” he said. “Come on in.”

“Thank you, Mr. Fox,” Peter said, taking his shoes off in the entrance.

“It’s Greg. Please,” Mr. Fox insisted. “Are you staying for lunch? I was going to head out to the lake, but there’s some chili left over in the fridge. There should be enough for you and Danny.”

“I’m not sure what I’m doing for lunch yet,” Peter said, “but thank you. Is Danny in his room?”

“I’m here!” Danny called, hurrying down the hall, out of breath. “Sorry, I was just putting some stuff away. I have a ton of laundry and, uh… Hi, Peter! Nice to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Peter said.

Danny shuffled in place, looking anxious. “Uh…you wanted to talk?”

“It’s important,” Peter said.

“Okay. Just follow me,” Danny said. He turned to his dad. “Don’t wait up for me. If you want to go to the lake, just go ahead.”

“Sure,” Mr. Fox said. “If you’re staying home, do you mind unpacking a few more boxes? Your mother and I would appreciate it.”

“Yeah! Yeah, that’s no problem,” Danny said. “I’ll get right on that.”

They headed to Danny’s room together. The house was mostly put together but there were still a lot of moving boxes around.

Peter expected Danny’s room to be in a disarray and he wasn’t disappointed. There were boxes everywhere and his bed was a mess of tangled sheets and pillows. He’d already had a chance to hang up some posters, mostly stuff pulled from game magazines, but there were at least one or two movie posters. One was an old, worn poster for The Thing which used to belong to his older brother, Angelo.

Peter could respect Danny’s taste.

“Please don’t mind the mess,” Danny said with an embarrassed laugh as he closed the door. “We just moved and I’m trying to sort through everything.”

“Danny, I think I’ve only ever seen your bedroom clean once,” Peter told him as he turned to him. “It’s fine. I don’t care.”

“Yeah, well, my mom won’t be happy if she finds out I had someone over in this mess,” Danny said, nudging some dirty laundry underneath his bed with his foot to try and hide it. “So, why did you freak out and run all the way over here? Did something happen? Or is it something else? Yesterday was nuts.”

“Sort of. I need to talk to someone and I don’t know who else to talk to,” Peter said. “It’s… I almost feel like I shouldn’t say anything.”

“Why don’t you sit down?” Danny said. “Here. I have a chair in here somewhere…”

He pulled out a desk chair that was half-buried behind a stack of boxes next to the dresser and offered it to Peter. To appease Danny, he sat down. Danny sat on the bed.

“So…when we were at Rion’s the other day, I got a pillow and blanket from his room,” Peter began, trying not to speak too quickly. “I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I…I ended up asking Noa about it, and… I’m getting ahead of myself. Rion had a friendship bracelet underneath his pillow.”

“The one that’s cut up?” Danny asked.

“No. This one was intact,” Peter said. Danny’s eyes widened. “Exactly. I was going to set it aside and ask about it later, but I opened his nightstand drawer to put it away, so it wasn’t just laying on his bed, and I found the wrecked bracelet in the drawer.”

“So, Rion has two bracelets?” Danny asked. “One that’s wrecked and one that’s not?”

“Yes,” Peter confirmed. “I was going to ask Rion about it later and not tell anyone, but then I remembered that Noa is missing his bracelet. So I asked Noa about it this morning. And then he broke down and told me that he was the one who wrecked his bracelet.”

Danny’s eyes grew even wider. “Wait, whoa…what? So, you’re saying… Noa? It was Noa?”

“It was Noa,” Peter said. “I am…very overwhelmed right now.”

“Yeah…” Danny said, thinking it over, his gaze unfocused. “So…Rion’s lying then? But why would he lie? He’s been saying that he was the one that wrecked his bracelet… But Noa… Unless Noa’s lying?”

“One of them is lying,” Peter said. “But I don’t think it’s Noa. He broke down crying. I asked him why he did it and he said that it was because he wasn’t a good friend to Amber and that it was his fault that she died…”

He realized he’d maybe said too much but it was too late to take it back. The look Danny gave him was pained.

“He… He doesn’t really think it’s his fault, does he?” Danny asked. “That… It was an accident. Noa burned his hand trying to get into the cabin to get Amber out. That’s… He did everything he could. Why would he…?”

“I think they call it survivor’s guilt?” Peter said, feeling uncomfortable talking about it. “It isn’t the first time he’s blamed himself. The fire and what happened… Noa hasn’t been the same since. It doesn’t matter that it was an electrical fire, that it was dry that time of year, and that everything…everything got out of control.”

“Is Noa… He’s not home alone or anything…?”

“No! No, never. He’s with Mom today. He actually has a therapy appointment. He should be okay.”

“Oh, good! That’s really… That’s a relief. Good.”

“I told Noa to talk about it with Dr. Maes, but it’s up to him,” Peter said. “It’s been so long that I can’t tell which bracelet belonged to Rion and which was Noa’s. Both their bracelets look similar and have the same colours. But I’m inclined to believe that Noa is telling the truth. I can’t see him lying about this.”

“But then why would Rion say that he did it?” Danny asked. “And why did Rion have Noa’s bracelet?”

“I don’t know,” Peter said. “Noa didn’t tell me why. After he started crying, I didn’t want to ask. I wasn’t even sure he was going to give me an answer at first, but… I know they had some kind of argument and Rion backed off. Maybe he took the bracelet then.”

“Like, Rion stole it?” Danny said. “But why would he do that?”

Peter thought about it briefly before speaking, “If it were me and I were in Rion’s shoes… Noa cut up the bracelet. He probably would have thrown it away. I would have wanted Noa to keep it in case he changed his mind… Maybe Rion was thinking something like that?”

Danny considered that. “Then…if Sarina found the bracelet… If she got mad at him and made him face all of you guys… Did he lie to protect Noa?”

It made too much sense. Peter hated the thought. He hated the idea that Rion had stood up against all of them, ready for them to turn on him, and took the blame. Not only that, but Sarina had gone after him for years after. The rest of them had all given Rion the cold shoulder and Sarina bullied and beat him.

And Rion was still saying he wrecked the bracelet. He was still repeating that, over and over.

It made Peter sick. If that was the truth, then he owed Rion so much more than an apology. If Rion was taking the brunt of everyone’s frustrations for Noa’s sake…to protect Noa who was vulnerable and struggling…

This changed everything.

“We should ask Rion,” Peter said. “I need to talk to him about it anyway. I said I wouldn’t tell anyone about the bracelet. I broke that promise because I brought it up with Noa and…and you… I need to tell him.”

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “That’s… Wow. I can’t believe it. Rion… We have to talk to him about this. If it’s true, then we have to tell Sarina too. She needs to know that he didn’t do it.”

“Rion comes first,” Peter said firmly. “I don’t think telling Sarina will make much of a difference.”

“Well…she should still know. After we talk to Rion,” Danny said. “I wonder… I should call him up. Maybe we could meet up today.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Peter said. “Rion will be in school by now, and after the storm last night… We should call him tonight and make plans to see him tomorrow afternoon. That should give him some time.”

“Okay. Deal,” Danny said. “I’m in.”

Chapter 22 – Rion

Saturday, September 26, 1998

Rion couldn’t eat breakfast that morning. He felt sick.

He didn’t want to meet Sarina at the park, especially not alone. He wanted someone else there with him. Someone like Noa.

But Noa wasn’t coming. Noa told him to stay away. And now Sarina had Noa’s bracelet. She thought it was Rion’s and that he’d wrecked it. His only choice was to meet up with her and get it back.

He really, really wanted to give up and cry. He couldn’t stop his palms from sweating. His heart was pounding. He was miserable.

He’d felt like this since the fire. Sometimes it went away for a little while, but then it would come back worse than before. He was seeing things, hearing things. The smell of toxic smoke plagued him even though he knew he had to be imagining it.

But he had to go and see Sarina. He didn’t have a choice.

He needed to get Noa’s bracelet back.

Rion’s feet were heavy when he left the house and the walk to the park was surreal. He was walking, moving forward, one foot in front of the other, but he didn’t feel like he was in control of himself. It was the weirdest sensation, like his mind couldn’t keep up with his actions.

He wasn’t given time to dwell on it. When Rion arrived, Sarina was there and she wasn’t alone. She’d brought the others with her: Jesse, Peter, and Celeste. It was a good thing he hadn’t eaten because he probably would’ve thrown up at the sight.

Even though all his senses screamed at him to turn around and run home, his feet kept moving. He clenched his jaw, squared his shoulders, tried to turn his fear into anger because he was already halfway there.

Jesse, Peter, and Celeste radiated exhaustion and confusion. There was a ragged look to them too, especially Jesse. The circles under his eyes were so dark they looked like bruises.

Rion could only guess at what Sarina must have told them. And Sarina herself was already worked up, her whole body tense and wound up. She came here for a fight.

It was scary.

Rion was afraid. He didn’t like this at all. Why’d Sarina have to snoop around and find Noa’s bracelet…

Maybe Noa had been right all along. Maybe they should have thrown it away.

“There you are!” Sarina huffed. “Took you long enough! You’re always late for everything!”

Rion swallowed hard, trying to bury all his anxieties. But it was hard. It was impossible.

“Give it back,” he said.

“No!” Sarina said. “I’m not giving you anything until you tell everyone what you did!”

“You’re a thief,” Rion said with venom he didn’t feel. “You snooped around in my stuff and stole something that didn’t belong to you. Give it back!”

Sarina blushed in shame and good. At least she knew she was wrong.

“Whoa, whoa,” Jesse said, holding up his hands. “Slow down. What’s this about?”

“Rion, Sarina said you... She said some things about you,” Celeste said. “She said she wanted to talk about it? About the…um…the friendship bracelets…”

It was hard to face anyone right now, especially Amber’s boyfriend, her best friend, her younger brother…

Rion ruined everything for them. Just like he ruined everything for Noa. He destroyed everything he touched.

Noa was right to want him gone.

“What’s there to talk about,” Rion said. “Sarina told you everything, didn’t she?”

“I told them that you ruined your friendship bracelet,” Sarina spit out, her voice hot with anger. “I told them I found it cut up in your room. And I have it with me! I can prove it!”

“Who cares,” Rion snapped at her. “Just give it back! You shouldn’t have stolen it in the first place.”

“Then it’s true?” Peter said. “You… You cut up your bracelet?”

Rion couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t look at any of them. It was easier to deal with Sarina because she was mad. She was right to be mad.

Let her think he’d wrecked his bracelet. Let them all think it. They could hate him as much as they wanted.

As long as they left Noa alone. As long as they never found out that it was Noa’s bracelet. As long as Noa wasn’t going to get blamed for things that weren’t his fault.

“Yeah. Sure. That was me. I did it,” Rion said, somehow managing to shrug. “So what?”

He heard several sharp intakes of breath. They were hurt. That was fine.

It was fine. Really. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered.

Rion wanted to be anywhere but here.

“See? See?!” Sarina said, waving an accusatory hand at Rion. “I told you guys! I told you he’s an asshole! This is exactly how he was when I asked him about it! He doesn’t care about Amber at all!”

Rion didn’t think words could physically hurt him, but Sarina’s did. His heart ached at her accusations. It was like being sliced open. He wanted to cry.

But he couldn’t. Not here. Not now. He couldn’t be weak. He had to get the bracelet back.

All he had left was protecting Noa.

“If I’m an asshole then you’re a bitch,” Rion told her, the insult foreign on his tongue. “And you’re a thief! You snooped through my things and stole my bracelet from me! So for the last time, give it back!”

“Why should I? Especially when you’re calling me…calling me a bitch!” she said, flushing in anger. “Haven’t you wrecked the bracelet enough! You don’t deserve it!”

“It’s my bracelet! I can do what I want with it!” he said.

“Guys…guys, let’s… Stop,” Jesse said, trying to play the role of peacekeeper. His voice was tight and strained. He sounded so hurt and lost. “We should… Let’s take a minute.”

“I don’t want to take a minute,” Sarina said. “Rion’s gone psycho!”

“I just want my bracelet back,” Rion said.

“Give him his bracelet, Sarina.”

It was Peter who spoke up. When Rion glanced his way, he realized that Peter was angry. He’d never seen him so tense, his hands balled up into fists at his sides. He was glaring at Rion and Rion had to quickly look away.

“He doesn’t deserve it!” Sarina said again.

“Sure he doesn’t, but he’s right – it’s his,” Peter snapped. “Amber gave it to him so it belongs to him. Give it back.”

“He’ll wreck it more and throw it in the trash!”

“Then he’s a garbage person and a garbage friend! Just give it back to him and let him be an asshole!”

Sarina didn’t want to do it. Her face was a perfect combination of rage and disgust. With obvious reluctance, she pulled the ziplock bag out of her pocket, holding it out to Rion. He snatched it from her, gripping it too tight, the plastic crinkling loudly as it was crushed in his hand.

He knew they were all staring. He could feel their eyes on him and the bag. He knew how ugly it looked. He’d seen Noa take the scissors to it himself, watched him cut it up and rip at it like he wanted to shred it into nothing.

Rion had to wrestle it away from Noa to save it. Noa cut him with the scissors as they fought over it. Rion still had a scab on his left hand from where the scissors had grazed him. The cut wasn’t deep, but it hurt him to even look at it. He could still feel the sting of it.

“So, that’s it?” Sarina said. “Rion can just do whatever he wants and you’re all okay with it?!”

“Shouldn’t…shouldn’t we talk about it?” Celeste asked but her voice was weak and wavering like she was near tears.

“Why’d you do it, Rion?” Peter said. There was something in his voice too, but Rion didn’t know what it was. “Why would you wreck your bracelet like that?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rion said.

“It does so!” Sarina snapped.

“There must have been some kind of reason,” Jesse said, voice still strained. “There’s…there’s been so much going on and Amber… She… The fire was only a few weeks ago…”

Jesse was getting choked up, struggling to talk. Rion felt the same. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember everything that had gone so, so wrong…

“I cut up the bracelet,” Rion said. “I cut it up and threw it away. And then Sarina stole it.”

“But Amber made that for you,” Celeste said. “Amber… Amber really cared about you…”

“Amber’s dead,” Rion said.

The words burned his mouth. He hated saying it, hard and harsh like that, like Amber didn’t matter. Because she did. Amber mattered so much, and Celeste was right. She really cared about him. It made him sick just thinking about it.

Rion made Celeste cry. He wasn’t looking at her so he didn’t realize it right away, not until she let out a sniffle and a whimper. And when he did finally look up, she had turned away already.

“I can’t… I just… I can’t!” was all Celeste could gasp out before she turned and started running.

“Celeste!” Jesse called out.

He looked like he wanted to follow her, but he spared one glance back at Rion. When their eyes met, Jesse made his decision, expression hardening in anger despite the tears in his eyes.

Jesse didn’t need to say anything else, his rejection obvious as he turned to chase after Celeste. It sent another painful stab through Rion's heart.

“Celeste! Wait!” Jesse called out after her.

“You’re a heartless jerk!” Sarina snarled at Rion, turning on him. “How could you say something like that?!”

“Because it’s true!” Rion said. “Amber’s dead. And she’s not ever coming back. She’s dead and gone.”

It felt like spitting up glass. Rion wanted to be sick but there was nothing to throw up. Instead, he was disgusted with himself, hating himself more with every word coming out of his mouth.

Sarina’s anger got the better of her and with a shriek, she shoved him to the ground. Rion wasn’t expecting it and tried to scramble back as she lunged at him again, trying to stomp on him. Peter snagged Sarina by the arm and jerked her back.

“What are you doing?!” Peter demanded.

Sarina screamed something incomprehensible, but her anger and grief were clear. Rion scrambled to his feet and ran.

The sprint home was a blur and Rion only came to a stop when he crashed into the front door to his house, fighting to get it open. Once inside, he collapsed onto the floor.

Rion didn’t know when he started crying but he was choking on his tears now. He was a sobbing, aching mess, curling in on himself.

They hated him. They all hated him now.

And it was his own fault. It was all his fault. Maybe it was meant to happen. Maybe Sarina was meant to go through his things and find the bracelet.

Noa…

Noa couldn’t have handled this. He was already so hurt. He kept blaming himself for what happened to Amber, but it was an accident. If everyone turned on Noa… Rion couldn’t let that happen. Noa was grieving. He cut up his bracelet out of grief. Noa was a good person, he was just hurt.

And Noa lived with Peter! How could he live in the same house as someone who hated him? Wasn’t it better that Peter thought Rion cut up his stupid bracelet? Wasn’t it better that Noa had his family to support him?

But no matter how much Rion tried to convince himself that this was the right thing, he couldn’t stop crying, sobbing on the doormat in absolute misery.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

Rion was utterly alone. He didn’t have friends anymore. Sarina had taken care of that. Danny had moved away with his family and Rion probably wouldn’t see him again. Rion’s dad was only around half the time and his mom was dead. Just like Amber…

And Noa didn’t want to see him anymore. Because Rion took Noa’s bracelet for safekeeping. Because Noa was lost and hurt and blaming himself.

“I’m sorry,” Rion found himself sobbing incoherently into the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”

He didn’t even know what he was sorry for. For ruining his friendships? For not hiding the bracelet well enough? For not being a good enough friend? For Amber’s death? For…for everything?

Amber wasn’t coming back. His friends hated him. Noa didn’t want to see him.

Rion was a dirty, filthy liar.

Shaking, Rion pushed himself off the ground. He had to get up. He needed to stop crying. Right now.

Everything was horrible but it was for the best. Rion knew that, no matter how much it hurt. He was being selfish – that was it! That was his problem. He had to get over himself.

It was right for his friends to hate him. And it was right for Noa to stay away from him. He had to stop crying about what was right. Even if it hurt and even if he hated it.

Rion sucked in a breath that stung like the pricking of a thousand needles and did everything he could to stop his tears.

Chapter 23 – Celeste

Monday, September 13, 2004

Celeste didn’t call before she stopped by Sarina’s place. School would be out by now and the timing felt right. She figured that if Sarina didn’t want to talk, they could at least make plans for later. It was better to deal with this in person.

As she passed Travis’s truck in the driveway, the family dog came trotting over, wagging her tail lazily. She was a black and white border collie named Patches.

“Hey, girl,” Celeste said, pausing to bend over and give Patches some ear scratches. “How are you?”

Patches rubbed against her in response. Giving the dog a couple of head pats, Celeste headed up the rickety front steps. She tried the doorbell but it didn’t seem to work so she knocked instead. After a beat, she heard sounds from inside the house. Travis’s muffled voice called out, “I got it!” before the door swung open.

Travis greeted her wearing some old sweats and a wife beater, his hair a disheveled mess. He smelled faintly of jasmine incense. His eyes widened at the sight of her and he blinked, doing a double take.

“Oh, whoa! Hey! Celeste!” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see Sarina,” Celeste said. “Is she home?”

“Sarina? Yeah, sure!” Travis said, taking a step back and waving her inside. “Come on in. Sarina’s just in her room with her friends.”

“Oh, is it a bad time?” Celeste asked. “I can come back when she’s not busy.”

“No, no! It’s fine,” Travis said. “They’re just bumming around. Monique and Jolie don’t usually hang around for too long anyway. They’re probably just smoking or something–”

“Travis!” came a shout from down the hall. It sounded like Travis’s mother was in the living room.

“What, Mom?” Travis shouted back.

“Who’s at the door?!”

“It’s Celeste! One of Sarina’s friends!”

“Be a good host!”

“Sure thing!” he called back then turned to Celeste, rolling his eyes. He stopped yelling to say, “Sorry. Don’t mind her. She’s in a bitchy mood today.”

“It’s fine,” Celeste said with a smile.

She’d been over once or twice to Sarina’s place with Amber. Sarina’s family were loud, opinionated, and casual to the point of being rude. Celeste didn’t mind it since she was familiar with the attitude.

Celeste grew up around her family’s greenhouse business. That meant she saw a lot of customers. She was used to all kinds of people, especially loud, boisterous types.

“Just let me know if you need anything,” Travis said, perking back up. He was all smiles. “I actually made cookies if you want some. And, uh… Did you want anything to drink?”

“I’m good for now,” Celeste said, smiling back. “Thank you. Sarina’s room is just at the end of the hall, right?”

“Yeah. Let me knock for you,” Travis said. “Sometimes Sarina gets in a mood as bitchy as Mom, if not worse. She needs to chill out. She’s too wound up all the time.”

Celeste followed Travis down the hall and he knocked on the door. There was some upbeat pop music playing but it flicked off and the sounds of a mad scramble followed.

“What?!” Sarina demanded from inside. “What do you want?!”

“Celeste is here to see you,” Travis said. “She wants to talk.”

There was a pause and then Sarina opened the door. A smoky, cigarette scent wafted out, hitting the back of Celeste’s throat immediately. She suppressed the urge to clear her throat or cough.

“Celeste?” Sarina said in surprise. Then she frowned. “I thought you were busy being a dick to me like everyone else. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk,” Celeste said. “If it’s a bad time, I can come back later…”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Sarina said, opening the door a little wider, turning back into the room. “These two bitches were on their way out anyway.”

Jolie was sitting on the edge of Sarina’s unmade bed and Monique was leaning against the dresser. They were like polar opposites of one another. Jolie followed most of the popular fashion trends, her blonde hair braided and pinned up. She’d always been pretty and with a touch of makeup, she looked at least a couple years older than she was.

Monique, on the other hand, had a whole goth vibe going on, dressed completely in black with dark hair and pale makeup with heavy dark accents. Her expression was almost as flat and unimpressed as Noa’s.

“Celeste is here?” Jolie sneered, taking a drag of a nearly finished cigarette. “Jesus, Sarina. Why are you hanging out with a retard like her?”

“Because I like her,” Sarina said. “You got a problem with that?”

“Family’s got issues with her side. You know that. I thought you guys were done,” Jolie snorted. She sneered at Celeste. “Everybody’s still pissed about ‘Labelle Gardens’. Like, call it ‘Labelle Jardin’ and show some pride in your heritage.”

The family history went a lot deeper than that. Both sides of the family were always finding reasons to fight and argue. Jolie was Celeste’s younger cousin on her dad’s side and their fathers didn’t get along. It was awkward. Celeste tried to stay out of it.

Celeste preferred her family on her mom’s side. The Auberts were nice. They never started problems with other people.

“Dad went with ‘Gardens’ because it’s easier for English speakers to pronounce,” Celeste said. She couldn’t help but say something, though she probably shouldn’t. “Too many people would say ‘jawr-din’ instead of ‘jahr-dain’, so dad didn’t want to bother.”

“Who cares about dumbass anglophones?” Jolie scoffed and then spared Sarina a glance, waving a hand. “Not that there’s anything wrong with you, Sarina. You’re cool.”

“Jo, I don’t give two shits about your weird-ass French family drama,” Sarina huffed. “Finish up and get out of here.”

Jolie rolled her eyes but took a long drag of her cigarette. She turned her head to blow smoke out the open bedroom window.

“You guys shouldn’t be smoking in the house,” Travis said. He was still lingering in the doorway. His warning was half-hearted. “Mom’s in a bad mood today, Sarina. You’re gonna piss her off.”

“Whatever,” Sarina said. “It’s fine. Monique and Jolie are almost done anyway. Mom doesn’t notice shit and chances are she won’t get off her ass.”

“Your funeral,” Travis said and wandered off to his room.

“Dick,” Sarina called out after him before closing the door. She waved at the other two. “Finish up and get going. If Mom does come around, I’m throwing you both under the bus.”

“Not if I throw you under the bus first,” Monique said. She seemed to have already finished smoking.

“Ha! Good luck trying,” Sarina responded. She turned to Celeste. “Do you smoke or anything? Travis at least offered you something to drink or whatever, right?”

“Yeah,” Celeste said. “I’m good.”

Celeste hated the smell of cigarettes and being stuck in a room with Jolie was never pleasant. Still, she wanted to talk to Sarina.

“Celeste is a little goody-two-shoes,” Jolie snorted.

“Stop antagonizing her,” Monique said. “It’s boring.”

“What? You’re Celeste’s big defender now?” Jolie sneered at her.

“I’m tired of your bad taste,” Monique said. “You have the most boring, dumb ideas. The only person worse than you is Eric.”

Jolie made a face. “Wow. Low blow.”

“I’m not wrong.”

“Will you guys just hurry it up?” Sarina said.

Rolling her eyes, Jolie sucked back the last of her cigarette and crushed the butt into the ashtray on the nightstand. She got up, puffing her last lungful of smoke out the open window while Monique pushed herself away from the dresser.

“See you tomorrow, Sarina,” Monique said.

“Yeah,” Jolie added. “See you.”

They headed out. Sarina leaned out the door to watch them go. She waved at them.

“Bye!” she called.

“Sarina! Do I smell cigarettes?!” her mom’s voice came from down the hall as the other two girls slipped out the front.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” Sarina mumbled under her breath before shouting, “I was just burning some shitty incense with my friends!”

“Incense doesn’t smell like that!”

“Well, I’m not smoking anything! Check with Travis!” Sarina shouted and then slammed her door shut. “Fucking everyone is on my case all the fucking time… Fuck.”

“Um… I can come back later,” Celeste said.

“No, no. It’s fine,” Sarina said.

She crossed the room and stashed her ashtray, lighter, and mostly empty pack of smokes on her overcrowded vanity. She tucked everything behind an open, overflowing jewelry box. There was makeup littered all over and the vanity mirror was covered in stickers, notes, and pictures. It was a chaotic mess.

“So, what’s this about?” Sarina asked, fumbling around until she found some incense. She lit it and wafted it around to try and fill the room with the heavy smell. “If you came here to rag at me about Rion, I’ll kick you out.”

“I’m not here to rag at you,” Celeste said. “I just wanted to talk. The others… You left a pretty bad impression on them.”

“I’d say so,” Sarina grumbled, finally setting the incense up and turning to her. “You can take a seat wherever.”

Celeste sat down on the edge of the bed and Sarina leaned up against the dresser, where Monique had stood before. She crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at Celeste as if challenging her.

Celeste would be the first to admit that she wasn’t a strong person. In fact, she tended to be embarrassed by her own weakness and cowardice. When things got tough, she would run away.

Amber had been the brave one. In fact, she was probably the bravest person that Celeste had ever met. Sarina has always done her best to emulate her, but it wasn’t the same. Amber had been fearless about sticking by her beliefs.

Celeste had worried more than once that she was just a tag along when it came to Amber, someone who followed her around and didn’t contribute. But Amber trusted her and confided in her in a way that she didn’t with anyone else. They were best friends. And Amber had brought out what little confidence Celeste did have.

But she had none of that confidence now, facing Sarina. This was hard for her.

What kept her there was her concern for Sarina. Celeste didn’t want to see her part on such bad terms with everyone. Sarina needed to understand how everyone felt.

Celeste was the adult here, no matter how uncomfortable she was. She had to be responsible. She couldn’t run away from everything.

“I guess… I want you to know that I don’t hate you,” Celeste began, struggling to find the right words. “I’m not even mad, just shocked, because…because of everything. And I’m not just siding with Rion.”

Sarina’s eyebrows rose for a fraction of a second before pinching into a frown.

“No? So…you get where I’m coming from?” Sarina asked.

“Not really,” Celeste said. She wanted to emphasize that what Sarina did was wrong, but she knew she had to hear her side of things. “I think you hurt Rion and you did some bad things. But I know you. We were friends as kids. Remember all those hours we spent working on the friendship bracelets?”

Sarina’s expression wavered. Then she smiled faintly, like she couldn’t help herself.

“I was really bad at it,” she said. “I wasted so much string.”

“But you got good with practice,” Celeste said. “And Amber helped. She was so good at it.”

“Yeah. She was a pro…” Sarina said. Her expression quickly grew bitter. “I’m not sure I want to talk about Amber.”

Celeste was silent for a moment, hesitating.

“…The guys don’t really get it,” she finally said. “They liked Amber, but they had different relationships with her. She used to tell us things that she would never tell the guys. Jesse was more in on things, but… It was always different. And you and Rion never got along. That wasn’t exactly a secret.”

“He was always in the way and then he turned out to be a dick so it’s not like I was wrong,” Sarina grumbled. “Why are you telling me this? Is there a point?”

“I’m just trying to say that… I understand, kind of,” Celeste said, hoping she didn’t sound too much like she was pleading. “I understand that you’re upset, and I understand that Rion was really, really cold to us… It hurts. I know I haven’t gotten over it. But…”

She hesitated, worried about how to get her meaning across peacefully. She wanted to tell Sarina that she couldn’t just lash out at people, but she didn’t want her to feel like Celeste was accusing her.

“I just don’t get it,” Sarina said, her expression growing more and more bitter. “Like, Rion was an asshole. He was the one in the wrong. Yeah, sure, okay; maybe I antagonize him sometimes. But he hurt me first. And everyone just acts like it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Celeste said. “It’s just…you shouldn’t hurt him. Sarina, you’re better than that. And… When you do things like that, it bothers people. Especially Peter. He said that he didn’t want you anywhere near Noa.”

“What?” Sarina said, eyes going wide. “Why not?”

“…Sarina, Noa’s dad was abusive,” Celeste said. “Peter sees you attacking Rion and it scares him. He doesn’t want Noa exposed to that.”

Sarina flinched, reeling back. “I would never hurt Noa! I’m not like that!”

“You hit Rion in front of all of us,” Celeste said. “You attacked him. We all saw you. I don’t think you would ever attack Noa, but… How do you think Noa would’ve felt if he’d been there with us? How do you think he would’ve felt if he’d seen you hurting his best friend?”

Sarina tried to stammer something out, but it was apparent that Celeste had at least helped her to see things in a new light. She flushed in shame, realizing how bad it looked.

“I didn’t hit Rion that hard,” she finally managed to say.

“But you can see that you might have gone too far…?” Celeste said.

“I… Maybe,” Sarina began, rubbing her arm self-consciously. “I mean… I didn’t really mean to hit him or anything, he just… He made me so mad. He just… I don’t know.”

“Listen, no one is asking you to like Rion,” Celeste said, hopeful that maybe she could talk some sense into Sarina. “You can even hate him if you want to. But you should stop hurting him. Have you tried ignoring him?”

“It’s hard,” Sarina said. “I mean, it’s not just me, you know? Sometimes he picks a fight. And he might call me names and whatever, but he agrees with me. We go to the same school, you know. We share classes. Like, you heard him say that I was right.”

“Then you have to be the bigger person,” Celeste said. “You need to at least try.”

Sarina squirmed in place, expression bitter.

“I don’t know,” Sarina finally said. “Maybe…”

There was a knock on the door before Travis popped his head in. Sarina jolted.

“Hey,” Travis said. He’d brushed his hair and changed out of his wife beater into a worn T-shirt. “Celeste, I forgot to mention that our cat, Pumpkin, had a litter of kittens before we could get her fixed. Did you wanna come and see?”

“Oh. Um…” Celeste began.

“Oh my god, Travis! Go away!” Sarina barked. “We’re having a private conversation in here!”

“Sorry,” Travis said but he didn’t look sorry, flashing Celeste a bright grin. “There’s five of them. You could probably take one or two for the farm, if you wanted. I mean, once they’re old enough to leave their mom. They’ve been living in the laundry room–”

“Travis, fuck off!” Sarina said.

She grabbed a decorative pillow from the bed and chucked it at her brother. Travis ducked out of the room, closing the door before the pillow could hit its target.

“He’s always poking his nose where it doesn’t belong,” Sarina huffed and turned to Celeste. “Do you have the same problem with Claude? Can we trade older brothers?”

“Claude is even nosier,” Celeste told Sarina with a small smile. “He’s the oldest and he thinks he needs to be responsible for me and Sophie so he’s always bothering us. Sorry, but you’d like him even less than Travis.”

“Urgh,” Sarina groaned. “That sucks.”

They were off topic because of Travis. To Celeste, it felt too awkward to go back to what they were talking about before. She didn’t know how to direct the conversation. And, honestly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back to talking about it again.

Maybe that was enough? They were on the right track, weren’t they?

“Um… Maybe we could do coffee sometime?” Celeste suggested. “I’d like to hang out with you, and… You know, I don’t even mind if you bring Monique along. She’s okay.”

“Really?” Sarina said. She was surprised but she perked up. “Monique has her moments, but she’s pretty cool. Yeah. We could do that. I, uh… I get why you don’t get along with Jolie.”

“It’s family stuff,” Celeste said.

“Say no more,” Sarina said. “I’ve heard the stories.”

Celeste made a face. That was the thing about living the small-town life. All your family was in the same place and your friends heard every embarrassing story about who did what.

“I don’t mind Jolie, but she doesn’t like me,” Celeste said. “I’d rather avoid her.”

“That’s fine,” Sarina said. “You, me, and Monique. I think we can do that no problem. I, uh…actually…”

Sarina hesitated.

“What is it?” Celeste asked.

“Thanks,” Sarina said. “You know…for not ditching me like everyone else did. I… That’s cool of you.”

Celeste smiled. “You’ve done some bad things and I might not agree with you…but I don’t want to ditch you. We used to have a lot of fun together, and… I want to understand. I’m not going to understand if I don’t hear you out, right?”

“Yeah,” Sarina said, smiling wider. “Still, thanks. It means a lot to me.”

“No problem,” Celeste said, and her smile became shyer. “Maybe I will look at those kittens though. We could probably use a couple more cats on the farm.”

“They’re pretty cute,” Sarina admitted. “Okay. Sure. I’ll show you their hiding spot.”

“Well, Travis was the one to offer,” Celeste said. “He seemed pretty excited to show me. I should probably ask him.”

Sarina rolled her eyes. “Urgh. He’s a goon. You’re much better off with me. Come on.”

Chapter 24 – Rion

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Danny sounded weird on the phone when he called Rion Monday night to ask if they could hang out. Rion, tired and spent, hadn’t been thinking about anything other than being able to hang up the phone. He blindly agreed to host Danny and Peter after supper and now he was deeply regretting it.

Rion was exhausted. He’d spent all of yesterday wondering when Sarina and her friends would come after him. They’d left him alone, but he’d seen them conspiring together at lunch. He figured it was only a matter of time before they would hunt him down.

He’d been tense since he got to school, constantly glancing over his shoulder. Nothing happened, but now the last thing he wanted was to hang out with Danny and Peter. He was sure they just wanted to check in on him after the storm, but… There was also a chance the friendship bracelets would come up.

Peter said he wouldn’t tell anyone but that didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t like Rion trusted him. Rion couldn’t trust anyone other than Noa.

If Peter told Danny about the two bracelets and they were coming over to talk about it, Rion wasn’t ready. But he didn’t know how to refuse them either. Putting it off would make him anxious and he was stressed enough already. He couldn’t run away from it. Danny lived across the street, so it was only a matter of time before they saw each other and it came up again.

Rion had enough sense to eat a sandwich before Danny and Peter came over. It served as his only chance to try and mull things over, but his mind was buzzing and he couldn’t think. He had taken his last bite when there was a knock at the front door.

His time was up.

Rion sprinted through the living room, dusting crumbs off his hands. He greeted them at the door with a bland, “Hey.” and stepped back so that they could come inside.

“Are you okay?” Danny asked him immediately as he closed the door shut behind him. “You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine,” Rion said. “What do you want?”

Danny hesitated at the tone, frowning. Peter spoke up.

“We want to talk,” he said. “Can we come in and sit down?”

“Sure,” Rion said, heading into the living room.

He sat in his dad’s chair, letting himself sink into the seat. He wished he could disappear into it. He felt queasy. Peter and Danny took the couch.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Danny asked. “You’re kinda… Sarina hasn’t been picking on you at school, has she?”

Peter sat up straight in his seat. “I hadn’t thought of that. Rion, did she…?”

“No,” Rion said. Even though he knew it was just a matter of time and the wait was killing him. “Is that what you wanted to talk about? If I’m okay?”

“That’s part of it,” Peter said.

“Yeah. Honestly? I’m super worried about you,” Danny said. “It’s good that Sarina left you alone but…uh… You’re okay after everything that happened this weekend, right?”

“I told you I’m fine,” Rion said, though even he knew the words were hollow. “I… Okay, I’m a little stressed out. But who isn’t? You guys don’t look fine.”

“Your situation is a little different,” Peter said. “You’re being abused by Sarina and her friends. We’re right to be worried.”

Rion took a breath and rolled his eyes. “This isn’t anything new. And it’s not abuse. I thought we were done with this Sarina stuff.”

“I don’t think we’ll be done with that for a long time,” Danny said. “Look, you don’t have to spend all your time alone, dealing with everything yourself. You have us. I’m not going to go on and on about it but… I just have to say it. Watching Sarina attack you was scary. I need to make sure that you know we’re your friends. And we're not okay with the stuff Sarina is doing.”

“Okay. Fine. I know,” Rion said. He didn’t mean to sound as annoyed as he did. “Is that everything? Because I’m really tired of talking about it.”

“There is something else…” Peter said.

He hesitated, his expression guilty. It was a strange look on Peter’s face. Danny turned to him, nudging him with his elbow.

“I told Danny that I saw the friendship bracelets,” Peter finally said. “I know I said that I wouldn’t tell anyone, but… Well, it doesn’t matter. Privacy is important, and… I’m sorry, Rion.”

Of course. Of course, that’s why they were both here. Rion hated how that stupid bracelet clung to him like a festering wound. It wouldn’t go away and it made everything worse.

He wasn’t even mad. He just let out a long, disappointed breath through his nose.

“It wasn’t exactly Peter’s fault,” Danny said. “It wasn’t that he was trying to break your trust or anything…”

“It doesn’t matter what I was trying to do,” Peter said to Danny and then added for emphasis, “No excuses. I did something I shouldn’t have.”

“Whatever. I don’t care,” Rion said.

It was a lie. He cared. It hurt. But he expected it.

“Even if you don’t care,” Peter said, “I’m sorry.”

Rion couldn’t be upset since Peter sounded completely sincere. Rion couldn’t remember the last time someone actually owned up to a mistake and apologized to him. It was foreign and it made him feel…grateful? It was a tiny bubble of emotion that he squashed down and brushed aside.

“Thanks for that, I guess,” Rion said. “Wasn’t expecting an apology. So…I’m guessing you want to talk about it? The bracelet?”

Danny opened his mouth but Peter spoke up first, beating him to it.

“Yes,” Peter said. “I want to hear your side of things. You have two friendship bracelets. One of them is Noa’s, isn’t it.”

“Yeah,” Rion admitted, glancing down.

He needed to come up with something to say, an explanation. He’d mulled it over before and he had a few muddled ideas of what he might say. In the moment, it was hard. Whatever came out of his mouth had to be believable.

“I have Noa’s bracelet, but it doesn’t change anything,” Rion said, not looking up at them. He studied the leg on the coffee table, at the small scuffs on the old wood. “I still wrecked my bracelet. Noa… I kind of took his from him? For safekeeping. He was really upset after the funeral, and… That’s it. Nothing to make a fuss over.”

He glanced up to gauge their reactions. Peter’s calm, flat expression and Danny’s frown told Rion that neither one of them believed him.

“Really?” Danny said. “Then…why didn’t you tell anyone you had Noa’s bracelet? Especially when we were all together and you offered to help look for it.”

“Because… You saw how Sarina was,” Rion said, reaching up to scrub at the back of neck. “She couldn’t know. And I didn’t know how everyone else would react. I was going to take the bracelet with me, pretend to look for it, ‘find’ it, and give it back to Noa. Then everything would be okay.”

“Um…no? Because you would have been lying?” Danny said, his eyebrows going up. “Trying to sneak the bracelet back to Noa… That seems really weird.”

“We aren’t like Sarina,” Peter said. “That should be more than obvious by now. You could have told us that you have Noa’s bracelet. But you didn’t.”

“Sorry that I lied, I guess. I’m an idiot so there you go. I fucked up,” Rion said. “Is that everything? Are we done?”

Peter and Danny exchanged a glance. Danny opened his mouth to speak but Peter shook his head. Danny stopped himself, letting Peter take the lead.

“That’s not everything,” Peter said. “The reason I had to tell Danny that I saw the bracelet… It’s because I talked to Noa about it first.”

Rion’s heart jolted in his chest. He straightened in his seat.

Peter talked to Noa? Noa… Had Noa told him…?

No! No, no, no!

Peter was watching him intently. “I asked him what happened to his bracelet. I wanted his side of things, to try and understand. Noa said that he cut up his friendship bracelet. He said that he wasn’t good to Amber, and he… He was upset.”

“It’s a lie,” Rion snapped immediately. “He doesn’t mean it. He doesn’t mean any of it. He… No. He didn’t do it. It was me. Noa never did anything wrong. Not once. Never.”

The words came out in a hard, sharp rush that took Danny aback, judging from how rapidly he blinked, leaning back in his seat. But Peter was giving him a cool, level stare.

“Noa was in tears,” Peter said. “I don’t think he was lying. He doesn’t have a reason to.”

“To protect me,” Rion was quick to say. “Obviously, it’s to protect me. That way no one would get angry with me or hurt me or–”

“Noa didn’t know about your situation with Sarina until I told him,” Peter said. “And when I did tell him, I didn’t say much. Noa didn’t seem like he was telling me anything to protect you. It was a lot more like a breakdown, like he was telling me a secret he’d been hanging onto for too long. I don’t believe he was lying.”

No, Peter had to believe it. They both had to believe it. How else was Rion supposed to protect Noa?

“Then…then maybe he’s just confused,” Rion said. “Maybe he forgot or he… I don’t know. It’s not true. It was me. I did it. No one else. Noa’s bracelet is fine and he can have it back. That was my whole stupid plan from the beginning; to give him back his bracelet.”

“I don’t think that’s what this is about,” Peter said.

“It doesn’t matter what you think. The only thing that matters is the truth,” Rion said, the words bitter on his tongue when he knew he was the liar. “Listen, I know you think I’m a good guy for some reason, but I’m not. I wreck shit and hurt people. You live with Noa, Peter. You know he’s not like that.”

“He is like that, actually,” Peter said. “You think he doesn’t wreck things? Where did you get that idea? He did that sort of thing even before Amber died.”

Rion took a breath to argue but the words stuck painfully in his throat, refusing to come out.

Peter was right. Noa had always been destructive when he was upset. Usually, he took out his aggression in harmless ways like ripping up paper, breaking sticks, or kicking rocks into the ditch. Noa did his best to work out his destructive nature in ways that wouldn’t hurt anyone. But sometimes he did wreck the odd thing that he cared about; shred a really nice drawing or crush a favourite toy…

Rion wasn’t sure if it was something that came from Noa’s childhood, from his abusive family, or if it was because he was such a quiet, stoic guy and his emotions needed an outlet. Rion wasn’t a therapist and he could only guess. But he knew Noa. He understood that he needed to vent sometimes.

Of course Peter would know how Noa was. They lived together. Right now, Peter was probably closer to Noa than Rion was.

The thought left a painful void in his chest.

Rion should be there for Noa. He should be helping him. Instead, he was causing problems with a stupid bracelet that should have been thrown in the trash.

“That’s… It’s different,” Rion said weakly, determined to defend his point. “He really loved that bracelet. Amber gave it to him and he… It meant a lot to him. He would never cut it up.”

“So you’re calling Noa a liar?” Peter said. “Really?”

“That or he’s confused or trying to protect me,” Rion said. “Are you calling me a liar?”

Peter stared at him for a moment and then nodded. “Yes. I am.”

“I have an idea,” Danny spoke up, glancing between the two of them. “We can confirm whose bracelet is whose. We have photo albums right in the living room at home – just unpacked them. Mom has tons of pictures from when we were kids. Amber gave us those bracelets on my birthday and I’m pretty sure there’s even pictures of all of us showing them off for the camera. We can compare the intact bracelet to the pictures and we’ll know who it belonged to.”

Rion stared at Danny, the air stolen from his lungs. He hadn’t expected that, hadn’t predicted it.

Pictures…

Rion had no way to refute that. If they looked at pictures, they would know immediately. The pattern and colours would give everything away. Rion’s bracelet was intact and Noa’s was not.

All the thought he’d put into trying to protect Noa was crushed, just like that. Proof… It had never occurred to Rion. No one cared to look for proof when it came to anything that happened to him. Never. And now that someone had…

It was over. It was done.

Rion slumped down, putting his face in his hands. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t pretend or argue. He couldn’t protect Noa. Everything had come undone at the seams, just like that.

“Hey, whoa,” Danny said. “Rion, are you okay?”

“He’s upset because he already knows what’s in your mom’s albums,” Peter said. “He lied and Noa told the truth.”

Rion was fighting to hold back tears. His eyes were burning. He wanted to sink into his seat and disappear. He let the other two keep talking, wishing he could shut them out.

“So, it’s all true,” Danny said. “Noa… He really wrecks things like that, Peter?”

“You don’t remember him doing it when he was younger?” Peter asked.

“No, but it’s been a while.”

“Noa has a lot of problems. He can be destructive. I can easily imagine him wrecking his bracelet.”

“But then…” Danny began. “Rion, why did you lie? Why did you tell Sarina you wrecked the bracelet?”

“I didn’t,” Rion said, the words slipping out in a pained moan.

There was a pause, silence. Then…

“Oh…oh, Sarina just assumed,” Peter said in sudden understanding. “She thought you did it because she found it in your house, with your things…”

As much as Rion wanted to shut down and ignore them, he found himself nodding. That was what happened. Sarina found the bracelet and she’d lost it on him. She had repeated, “How could you?!” over and over again.

It hurt. All the accusations and the anger hurt. But his pain protected Noa and that was a good thing.

“So, Sarina just assumed it was Rion and then…” Danny began, and Peter finished his sentence for him.

“…and then she was after Rion. How could he tell anyone that it wasn’t him? He couldn’t tell the truth without turning Sarina on Noa. And Noa… Rion, you’ve been lying this whole time to protect him, haven’t you.”

Rion shut his eyes tight and he could feel the tears slip free. He tried to scrub them away. His hands were shaking.

He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it. What would Sarina have done to Noa if she thought he wrecked the bracelet? Rion couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let Noa get hurt.

This was his fault anyway. It was fine if Sarina hurt him. It was okay. Everything was fine.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Rion said. “You can’t… Please.”

“What?” Danny said. “But the others deserve to know. Sarina needs to know.”

“No!” Rion said, jolting.

He looked up but his vision was swimming. He scrubbed away more tears, his bruised eye stinging at the rough treatment. He hated how he could feel his lips trembling, his hands trembling. His whole body felt like it was shaking and he hated that too, feeling exposed and vulnerable and weak.

“You can’t tell Sarina,” Rion insisted. “You can’t. Please. If she tries to hurt Noa… It’s not his fault. He didn’t mean it. He was just hurt and sad and upset and…and…Am-Amber…”

His breath kept hitching and he couldn’t keep going, burying his face in his hands again, choking back sobs. The air was too tight in his chest. The memories from back then were like an emotional weight suddenly pressing down on him.

“Rion, as far as I’m concerned, Sarina isn’t ever coming near Noa,” Peter said. “Okay?”

He was serious. Rion could hear it in his voice. He risked another teary-eyed glance up between his fingers and saw Peter staring at him, expression intense and concerned.

Rion choked on his own breath. “But…but if Sarina knows…”

“We are not going to let her hurt Noa,” Peter said. “She’s not laying a finger on him. I’ll go and tell my parents about her as soon as I get home.”

“No! No, no, please!” Rion said. “I don’t want anyone to know. You don’t understand. You don’t get it.”

“I think we both get that you’re protecting Noa,” Danny chipped in. “Listen, I’ll fight Sarina myself if she goes after Noa. No one’s going to let her do anything to him.”

But that wasn’t Rion’s only fear. Of course he wanted to protect Noa from Sarina. But if Sarina found out…

How would she react? Sarina would probably think he was lying. She might get even more violent. Or she would believe him… While Rion hated the idea of her harassing him even more, he wasn’t sure he wanted to risk Sarina having a change of heart either. It was a slim chance, but she could stop attacking him. And that wouldn’t be okay.

Because everything was his fault. Everything was on him. He deserved what Sarina and her friends dished out, even though he hated it. And he couldn’t explain that to anyone.

Everything needed to stay the way it was. It couldn’t change. Rion didn’t want it to.

“Rion, we need to tell the others,” Peter said. “You don’t deserve to get beat up for something you didn’t even do. You shouldn’t have people angry at you just because you were protecting Noa. You… This whole time you’ve been the best friend Noa could have ever asked for. You’ve given up so much for him.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “What’s going on really isn’t okay. If we tell everyone the truth, we can start fixing things.”

Rion couldn’t find his voice. He was afraid of freeing the pained sound that wanted to escape his throat. He looked away, still brushing aside tears.

Peter got up, grabbing the box of tissues off the coffee table. He passed them to Rion and crouched next to his chair. Danny sprung up and shuffled over too, hovering nearby.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked him, “and I’m not asking how you feel. I can tell you feel horrible. I mean…are you doing okay? Day to day? What you’re going through can’t be easy…”

Rion instantly felt ten times worse. He grabbed a fistful of tissues so that he could bury his face in them. He curled in on himself, not wanting to answer.

And then there was a warm hand on his shoulder, giving him a comforting squeeze.

Rion’s mind melted at the contact. He didn’t have words for everything it made him feel all at once or how long it had been since someone touched him in a warm, comforting way. Something in him snapped and he broke down. No matter how hard he tried to hold back his sobs, they overcame him completely.

“R-Rion, are you okay?”

“Danny, no. No, he’s not okay. Just… He needs a minute.”

“Geez, I… Shit.”

Rion eventually calmed down, breathing shakily into soggy, shredded tissues. He was too afraid to look up, too afraid to face them like this. He was a mess, an embarrassment. He couldn’t think straight.

“Hey, Rion?” Peter said. “Are you doing better? You need water or…?”

“I…” Rion started, sucking in a sharp breath, “I need to… Just give me a second.”

Rion pulled his face from the tissues and pushed himself up on unsteady legs. He didn’t look at them as he shuffled off to the kitchen.

He could hear Peter and Danny following him. He tried to ignore them, tossing the tissues in the garbage and going to sink. He ran the water, splashing some on his face before standing there, bracing himself, breathing.

“Rion.”

Rion didn’t turn around. It was Peter. There was something in his voice that Rion wasn’t familiar with. It made his heart ache – literally. There was a pain in his chest that had nothing to do with any of his bruises.

“I’m worried about you,” Peter continued. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Rion told him.

He hated how rough and cracked his voice sounded. His throat was dry from crying. He should have a drink or something, but he just couldn’t right now. Not with Danny and Peter still around.

“Tell me what’s going on,” Peter said. “Tell me anything.”

Rion closed his eyes for a moment, trying to steady himself. He tried to think of what he could say. He didn’t think he could lie. Not right now. And he needed to give them something or Peter obviously wasn’t going to leave him alone.

“I’m not okay,” he admitted, though he hated to say it, “but I’m managing.”

“Are you really?” Danny asked.

“Yes,” Rion said, finally turning to face them. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this right now. I… I’ve had a rough couple of days and I’m tired.”

“What happened?” Danny asked. “You said Sarina didn’t do anything.”

“She didn’t. That’s the problem,” Rion said. “Listen… You can’t tell anyone about the bracelets. Please. I don’t want anyone to know.”

“I can’t agree to that,” Peter said. “I’m here for you if you need to talk. And I’ll support you in whatever way I can. But Noa was totally open about the bracelets and I can’t let Jesse and Celeste or anyone else think that you wrecked your bracelet when all you’ve done is protect Noa.”

“I just don’t want anyone to get mad at him,” Rion said. “I remember what happened back then, Peter. I remember how you reacted – the way you looked at me. You all hated me. Noa…Noa can’t… He… I can’t put him through that.”

Rion blinked rapidly, afraid he would cry again. His voice was wavering dangerously.

“But pretty much everyone has forgiven you,” Danny said. “The fact that it was Noa… I mean, come on! Those bracelets were special, but they’re just string. You and Noa are both worth more than any bracelet.”

“Exactly,” Peter said. “Back then… We were all dumb kids and Amber had just passed away. It was hard on all of us. Emotions were running high, and… Things are different now. We’re not going to turn on Noa.”

“How can I be sure?” Rion said. “How can I know that? Peter, it’s been six years. I’ve been dealing with this for six fucking years. And you’re telling me that everything’s fine now? Because Noa did it?”

He was getting upset, distressed. Rion could feel it. He tried to take a breath, but it felt impossible to relax.

Peter, surprisingly, looked hurt. He was quiet for a moment while Danny chewed on his bottom lip, brows knit in concern.

“You’re right,” Peter said. “It’s been six years. And you weren’t treated fairly. Even if we were kids, we shouldn’t have treated you the way we did. I’m sorry.”

Rion’s breath hitched. He had nothing to say to that, too surprised.

Never would he have ever thought anyone would apologize to him for that. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, or how to react. It was a shock.

“I don’t know how things have been, but I’m on your side,” Danny said. “And I’m on Noa’s side too. I’m not going to let anyone go after either of you. So you’ve got me.”

“And me,” Peter said. “I mean that. And I am sorry. Please give me a chance to make up for these past six years, Rion. I want to help.”

“I…” Rion said and then took a deep breath. “I don’t know… How can I trust you when you want to run off and tell everyone what Noa did?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Peter said. “It might hurt some people. Jesse and Celeste might be upset. Sarina might get angry at Noa. But we need to make things right, and this… What you’re doing right now isn’t working.”

It was true. It wasn’t working and nothing was right. Nothing could ever be right because Amber was dead.

“I…I just don’t want Noa to get hurt,” Rion said. “I don’t want anyone to go after him. He was… He was so upset. Noa just… He doesn’t deserve to be hated for that.”

“I don’t hate him,” Danny said. “And I don’t hate you.”

“Same here,” Peter told him. “We’re your friends. Please, let us help you.”

Rion didn’t even know what that meant. Help? Help how?

He opened his mouth and took a deep breath. “I just… I can’t think right now. I don’t feel good. I need… I just can’t… Can you at least hold off telling everyone about Noa?”

“I’m not making any promises,” Peter said. “I’m sorry, Rion. I can’t do that.”

“But…but we aren’t going to run of and tell everyone right away,” Danny said, glancing between the two of them. “You can get some rest, Rion. Maybe…take a day to think it over?”

Rion didn’t want another day of being stressed. He‘d done that twice now. Waiting for Sarina to come after him and waiting for Peter to tell everyone… The thought was already making him sick.

“I know this is hard on you,” Peter said, “but it’s the right thing to do. And I think you know it.”

“I just…” Rion began and shook his head. “I want Noa to be safe.”

“I will do everything I can to protect him,” Peter said. “I promise.”

There was nothing else Rion could do. It was out of his hands. He was helpless.

“I want some space,” Rion finally said. “Please leave. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.”

Danny was glancing between them, brows knit. Peter was frowning too, but he nodded.

“Fine,” Peter said, a note of reluctance in his voice. “I just want you to know… It probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but I’m on your side. We’re on your side. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said.

“Good,” Peter said. “I’ll call you later and we can work things out. Please take care of yourself.”

Chapter 25 – Peter

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Peter was more than worried about Rion.

It was the same kind of concern he held for Noa – fear for his safety and well-being. Rion was clearly dealing with issues and trauma as severe as Noa’s. He wasn’t in a good place and he needed help.

Rion had silently protected Noa for six years, taking beatings and putting up with accusations while he was innocent. He barely had a support system, considering that his father was hardly ever around. He had no friends, no family he could count on.

Peter knew what it was like to take care of Noa. His cousin was a stubborn mess. He had daily struggles and unpredictable breakdowns. Peter and his parents put a lot of effort into taking care of him and managing his life. They never left him alone and most days they even had to encourage him to eat.

Rion had none of that. No one was looking out for him. No one was making sure he was okay.

It wasn’t right.

Some part of Peter felt horribly guilty. He knew he had failed Rion in almost every way that he could. But he had already decided not to dwell on it. He needed to do what he could for Rion starting right now. Action was needed more than guilt.

Peter had to do what he could. And what he could do was tell the others the truth.

The moment he got home, Peter called up Jesse. It barely rang before his mother answered the phone.

“Hello?”

Peter smiled at the sound of her voice. “Hello, Mrs. Warren. It’s Peter.”

“Oh, Peter!” Heather Warren said, her voice immediately warm and bubbly. “It’s been a while! How are you? And Noa? What about your parents?”

“We’re doing good,” Peter said. “I was just wondering if Jesse is home from work yet. I wanted to talk to him.”

“He’s here,” Mrs. Warren said. “I’ll hand the phone over but before I do, can I ask you to say hello to Elaine and Charlie for me?”

“Sure,” Peter said. “I think Mom actually wanted to ask you out for coffee next week. She’s just been busy lately.”

“That’s fine! I completely understand. Tell her I’ll be happy to meet up,” she said. “Here. Just a minute. Jesse!”

There was a pause followed by muffled voices and the sound of the phone changing hands. Then Jesse was on the line.

“Hello? Peter?”

“Jesse,” Peter began. “I need to talk to you and Celeste about Noa and Rion.”

“Okay,” Jesse said, soundly mildly confused. “Did something happen? Or… Oh no, Sarina didn’t…”

“No, no,” Peter said. “It’s not something Sarina did. Not exactly. It’s… It’s complicated. I’ve found something out, and… I don’t want to say it over the phone.”

“Okay,” Jesse said, going back to sounding lost at the reassurance that Sarina hadn’t done anything new. “Noa and Rion are okay though?”

“I’m not sure I would put it that way,” Peter said.

He took a breath and let it out slowly, considering his options.

“I haven’t called Celeste yet. And now that I think about it, maybe I should wait before telling her, since she might be in contact with Sarina,” he said. “You know… Are you free? Could I maybe come over and talk to you right now?”

“I don’t have plans… Are you sure that everything’s okay? You’re making me nervous.”

“I just need to tell you something. Danny already knows… We learned something new about the friendship bracelets.”

“Oh. Well, okay. I’ll let Mom know you’re stopping by.”

“All right. Thanks, Jesse,” Peter said. “I’ll be over in a bit.”

“Okay,” Jesse said. “See you.”

Peter hung up the phone and nearly jumped when a voice spoke up from behind him.

“Did you see Rion?”

“Noa!” Peter exclaimed, spinning around. “You snuck up on me.”

Noa was staring up at Peter, clearly expecting an answer. Peter could dodge the question if he wanted, but he didn’t want to let his cousin down, especially when Noa was addressing him directly. He hardly spoke more than a few words on any given day.

“I saw Rion today, yes,” Peter admitted.

“Is he okay?” Noa asked, a hint of concern bleeding into his expression.

“I…wish I could say yes,” Peter began, “but no. He’s not. He’s dealing with a lot right now.”

Noa looked down, fidgeting. Then he turned and headed for the living room.

“Hey, wait,” Peter said, moving to follow him. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t,” Noa said, pausing to glance back at him. “I’m worried about Rion.”

“Me too,” Peter said. “I want to help him.”

Noa was silent for a moment before he gave a short, stiff nod.

“Rion’s a good person,” Noa said. “I want him to be happy.”

“You’re still okay if we have him over for a visit sometime, right?” Peter asked.

Noa nodded.

“Okay,” Peter said. “A lot has been going on so I wanted to double check. I’d like him to come over too. He’s dealing with a lot of stuff right now.”

“Like Sarina?” Noa asked.

And, oh, that was quite the look on Noa’s face. He did not look happy at the thought of Sarina. Normally his expression stayed flat and impassive, but he made a face like he swallowed a lemon just saying Sarina’s name.

Peter wondered if maybe it had been a bad idea to tell Noa what was going on with Rion and Sarina. But then, no. Telling Noa the truth was the right thing to do.

“Sarina’s part of the problem,” Peter admitted. “But it’s a little more complicated than that.”

Noa nodded. “Let me know if I can do anything to help Rion.”

“Okay,” Peter said, his heart swelling, happy that Noa wasn’t just talking to him but that he was worried about Rion. If Noa was motivated enough to help problem solve, that was a good sign. “I’ll let you know if there’s anything you can do. I really appreciate that, Noa. I’m pretty sure Rion will too.”

Noa nodded again before turning and wandering off to the living room couch. He picked up his sketchpad and took a seat. Peter’s dad was there and gave him a wave.

“Going somewhere?” he asked as Peter headed for the door. “Didn’t you just get home?”

“I have some things to take care of at Jesse’s,” Peter said. “I’ll be home in a bit. Oh. His mom says hi by the way.”

“That’s nice of her,” his dad said. “Say hi back.”

“Sure thing.”

Peter headed out for a second time that day. Jesse’s house was next door so he barely had to walk down the street.

The Warrens were a great family. Mr. and Mrs. Warren were friends with his parents. He’d seen a lot of them growing up.

Jesse was an only child, so it had always just been him and his parents. That meant when the adults got together, the kids usually hung out together too. Amber, Peter, and Noa had seen a lot of Jesse.

Of course, Jesse had always been the closest with Amber. Whenever he came over, they used to play together. It didn’t matter what they did, they had always been glued to the hip. Amber used to say that Celeste and Jesse were both her best friends until Jesse asked her out when they were fourteen. Then he was her boyfriend.

Peter had also seen his share of Jesse’s house. It hadn’t changed much over the years and when he arrived, he was even received with the same enthusiastic welcome from Jesse’s mother.

“Peter!” she said when she answered the door. “Come on in. Can I get you anything?”

“No, that’s all right. Thanks,” he said to her, flashing her a smile.

As much as he liked the Warrens, he wasn’t really in the mood for small talk. Fortunately, Jesse was there right away.

“Hey,” he greeted Peter.

“Hey,” Peter returned.

“Make yourself at home,” Mrs. Warren added. “We’re going to have stew for supper tonight if you’re staying. You’re more than welcome to join us.”

“Thanks,” Peter said. “There’s some stuff going on and I just need to talk to Jesse. I might not be that long.”

After light small talk, Peter was able to escape to Jesse’s room. It was an orderly, if not sparse bedroom, almost impersonal in how plain it was. Jesse didn’t even have posters up.

But there was one thing in Jesse’s room that was very eye-catching and always drew Peter’s immediate interest. Lucky, very lucky Jesse had inherited his old family computer when they’d swapped it out for a new one. Which meant that Jesse had a full desktop PC setup in his room. It could even access the Internet.

Peter was jealous. He wouldn’t deny it, even to himself. His parents hadn’t seen the need to upgrade their family computer yet, and though they’d been talking about it, they hadn’t decided what they would do when they were done with it. Peter was trying to convince them that he should have it, since he was literally doing a computer sciences program in college.

“So, what’s going on?” Jesse asked, taking a seat on the bed. “What’s so important that you can’t wait to tell me?”

Peter took a seat at the computer desk, just because he could. It felt right. Maybe when he had more time, he would ask Jesse more about his setup and what games he might have.

“Danny and I have been talking to Rion,” Peter said. “He’s not doing okay. The whole Sarina situation is really messed up.”

“Yeah. I know,” Jesse said. “I was there at the park. Did something else happen? You said that it wasn’t about Sarina…”

“Well… It’s… I feel bad talking about it,” Peter admitted, taking a moment to consider how he should phrase things. “You know how it started storming after we left the hotel? Well… Everyone started leaving and then Rion had a bad reaction.”

“A bad…?” Jesse started to ask but then he sat straighter, eyes going big. “Oh! Oh, right! He always struggled with storms because of his mom. Oh… Peter, I wasn’t even thinking. If I’d realized, I would have stayed.”

“It worked out. Danny and I helped him,” Peter said, “but it was pretty bad. Rion collapsed. I had to carry him home. Danny and I took care of him until his dad came back from work.”

“I still feel bad. I didn’t know he was still struggling with storms. I mean, I know he always used to hide from them as a kid, but…”

Peter nodded. “If that was all that happened, I wouldn’t have rushed to see you. I ended up finding a friendship bracelet that was still perfectly intact in Rion’s room. I found the wrecked one too, and… Basically, Rion had a ruined bracelet and one that was untouched.”

Now Jesse was looking at him, lost.

“Two?” Jesse said. “There were two? But…what? What does that mean? How could he have two bracelets?”

“I did some sleuthing to find that out,” Peter admitted with a humourless smile. “It turns out that Rion had Noa’s bracelet. I had a conversation with Noa, and… It turns out that Noa was the one who wrecked his bracelet. Rion took it from him. This whole time, Rion’s bracelet was fine. He lied to us.”

Jesse’s mouth dropped open. He stared at Peter for a long moment in disbelief. Peter let him have it since he felt the exact same way.

“Rion… But why?” Jesse said. “Why would he lie about it? Why would Noa…? I don’t understand.”

“I talked to Noa, and later Danny, and I confronted Rion about it,” Peter said. “Apparently what happened was… Noa cut up his bracelet and got into a fight with Rion about it. Rion took the bracelet and Noa told him to go away. After that, Sarina found the bracelet at Rion’s. She made assumptions, thought it was his, and made all of us confront him. And then Rion lied to protect Noa. He lied so that we wouldn’t be mad at Noa. So this whole time he’s been…he’s been taking it in the teeth.”

Jesse put a hand to his mouth, his eyes flicking back and forth as he thought about what Peter said.

“That… Shit,” he finally said. “I can’t… You talked to Noa and Rion?”

“Both of them,” Peter said.

“And they both… They admitted it? You’re sure?”

“Yes. Rion fought for the lie but when Danny said we could find out which bracelet was which by looking at old pictures, Rion broke down. It was really sad to see. He started crying, and… He didn’t want us to tell anyone, but I told him I couldn’t promise that. I think this is something everyone needs to know.”

“I just… Wow. I mean… Fuck,” Jesse said, scrubbing his face with his hands and then reaching up to ruffle his hair. “This whole time… Sorry, I just can’t believe it. I don’t even know what to say.”

“I know,” Peter said. “I feel the same way. This is a lot.”

“I can’t believe he was keeping this a secret all this time,” Jesse said. “To protect Noa…”

“He was really afraid of Noa getting hurt,” Peter said. “Even when Danny and I were talking to him. That’s why he didn’t want us to tell anyone. He’s scared that everything he’s put up with will get transferred over to Noa. He’s especially scared of Sarina’s reaction.”

“Noa? No. No one would ever blame Noa. He obviously has issues,” Jesse said. “I mean, with what happened with his dad and his reaction to Amber’s death…”

“But that’s not fair, is it?” Peter said. “I know what you’re saying. I don’t think anyone would have ever blamed Noa, especially not Sarina… But it’s not right that we blamed Rion either. Everything that we were upset at him for was a lie, and who did what… We got upset over a bit of string.”

“I… You’re right,” Jesse said, looking down, his guilt evident. “You’re right. That’s not fair… But it wasn’t a bit of string either. It was…”

He put his face in his hands and let out a long breath.

“Man…” Jesse said, leaning back. “This is…a lot. And you’re going to tell Celeste and Sarina?”

“I think I have to,” Peter said. “They need to know. Especially Sarina. But I can’t talk to her right now since I know that if I do, I’ll lose it on her. I want to talk to Celeste but I think the timing needs to be right. She’s…”

“Gentle,” Jesse said. “Sensitive. She cares a lot. It’s going to take a while for her to process. I mean…I’m not even done processing this. It’s…”

“Yeah.”

“Did you want me to do it? Talk to Celeste?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll try to make plans. I’ll give her a call.”

“Okay. Let me know if I can help.”

“You can,” Peter said. “You can help. Not with Celeste but with Rion. I’m really, really worried about him. He’s been putting up with all this stress and pressure on top of the abuse and bullying… Rion has no support system at all. I know what it’s like with Noa. He struggles all the time with all kinds of things. Sometimes he has trouble just going downstairs in the morning. I can’t imagine how bad things are for Rion.”

Jesse frowned, fidgeting. “But…what can we do to help him?”

“Rion needs a support system,” Peter said. “He needs people to look out for him and to make sure he’s okay. I’m worried he might be depressed, and… I’m worried. Really worried. He needs people checking in on him.”

“Like calling and visiting?” Jesse asked.

“Yes. That,” Peter said. “It’s hard to know for sure what he needs, but… We need to be there for him as much as we can. I’m going to try and do weekly visits. If you have spare time, please give him a call or something. I don’t want him to do something extreme – like hurt himself.”

Jesse’s eyes had gone round again. “You really think he would hurt himself?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “We need to keep an eye out for that kind of thing.”

“I… I don’t even know what to look for,” Jesse said. “I want to help, but… If it’s that serious, shouldn’t we tell his dad?”

“I intend to,” Peter admitted.

Of course, it was going to be hard to get a hold of Mr. Blum. He was away most of the time. But Peter was more than willing to try until he got through.

He might have to wait until he sorted things out. And he wanted to talk to his parents about it too. They might have more ideas, things he wouldn’t think of. Peter knew that his mother was especially good at handling tough situations.

“Well… I’ll try to check in on him when I can,” Jesse said. “This…this is really a lot…”

“I know,” Peter said, “but this is why we have to do what we can. Rion needs all the help and support that he can get.”

Chapter 26 – Rion

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Sarina and her friends caught up to Rion on his way home from school.

He heard them following him, not even bothering to be sneaky about it. A side-eyed glance over his shoulder confirmed that Sarina, Eric, and Kyle were talking and laughing as they walked down the sidewalk a few meters behind him.

Unlike Jolie and Monique, who were still liked in some circles, no one liked Kyle or Eric. Even Sarina didn’t like them. She was only on their side when it came to tormenting Rion. The rest of the time, she did her own thing.

Eric was big and mean. He wasn’t smart but he wasn’t stupid either and being average was somehow the worst possible combination. You couldn’t slip an insult past him but he wasn’t bright enough to behave like a normal person or cover up his bullshit. He had a nasty mean streak that made everyone keep him at a distance.

Kyle was a different kind of awful. He was a twiggy, greasy guy who had a weird, permanent mothball smell to him. He was the kind of kid you would expect to be the number one bully target, and he probably would have been if he didn’t suck up to Eric and act like his creepy little fanboy. He was Eric’s personal cheerleader and a little slimeball who would spread rumours and backstab people on a regular basis.

Rion disliked Sarina but he still had no idea how she could stand the other two. They were literally the worst people at their school. Hands down.

Rion let out a long breath. In a way, he was relieved that they were following him. It meant that they were going to pounce on him any minute, sure, but at least he wouldn’t have to wait another day, wondering when they were going to hunt him down. Today was the day.

“Hey! Rion!”

He didn’t turn around when Eric called out to him. He didn’t even glance back. One foot in front of the other and he would be home before he knew it. Maybe he could make it there without getting into a fight.

Probably not.

“Hey! Dumb-fuck! I’m talking to you!”

Rion knew better than to react, especially to taunts like that. It was a waste of energy.

“Eric’s talking to you, Rion!” Kyle called out.

“We’ve got stuff to say!” Sarina added.

“No thanks!” Rion finally said, waving a hand in the air without turning their way.

It was a risky move to keep his back to them. Rion knew that. Still, he wanted to acknowledge them as little as possible for as long as he could.

Something hit Rion’s backpack with a sharp ‘THWAP’, making Rion jump and nearly stumble as he spun around to face the three behind him. Eric had thrown a long stick at him and it had bounced harmless off to the side of the road. It didn’t hurt. It was nothing.

But Rion was on the defensive now, heart in his throat.

“What do you want?” Rion demanded.

“Aww, is the little baby scared of sticks?” Eric sneered as they approached.

“Fuck off and leave me alone,” Rion said, gripping the straps of his backpack.

He didn’t want to fight but he might have to. There were three of them and the last thing he wanted was to be tackled onto the sidewalk. Faceplanting on cement was always painful.

“We just wanna talk,” Eric said.

“Sarina said you were a dick to her this weekend,” Kyle added.

“And? So?” Rion said, baring his teeth at them.

“You were supposed to apologize to me,” Sarina said. “And then you refused and made everyone think I was the bad guy while you hid behind them like a bitch. You owe me.”

The tense, uncomfortable sensation that made his throat tight grew sharper, bitter. Rion was immediately disgusted and angry, hating how Sarina twisted things. But he knew there was no point in trying to correct her.

Nothing he said mattered.

“Go fuck yourself,” Rion spat at her. “I don’t– Ow!”

Eric snatched him by the jacket and jerked Rion around. The force of it made him stumble and when Eric let go, Rion tumbled onto the grass of an empty lot, falling on his ass.

His old bruises ached and, instinctively, Rion curled inwards, cowering. It wasn’t dignified, but for a few seconds he could only fear being hurt again. His thoughts blanked.

Eric laughed and so did Kyle.

“You sure talk big for a pushover,” Eric said, kicking up dirt at him.

Rion tried to clear his head, tried to focus. It was adrenaline combined with the knowledge of how vulnerable he was that got him to move. He scrambled to his feet, trying to steady himself. His heart was pounding and his body ached. He knew he should run but he wasn’t ready.

“He looks like he’s going to piss himself,” Kyle laughed.

“Fucking pathetic, Rion,” Sarina said, curling her lip. “And you were acting so tough this weekend when you had everyone as your backup.”

“What a retard,” Kyle said.

“More like a dumb fucking queer,” Eric said. “How much time does it take you to do your makeup in the morning, huh Rion?”

Rion swallowed bile, biting his tongue. Denials were useless, true or not. They’d say he was trying too hard to deny it, that it must be true. If they thought there was a chance they were getting under his skin, they would keep hammering away. But staying silent was just as much as a confirmation to them.

They were going to talk shit and make whatever claims and run with them. That’s just who these three were.

It made Rion sick.

“What? Makeup?” Sarina said, rolling her eyes. “Rion doesn’t do any makeup. Otherwise he wouldn’t be half as ugly as he is.”

“C’mon, Sarina,” Eric said. “Look at him! I’ve said it before, Rion’s got this girly fucking face. No way that’s natural. Men don’t look like that.”

“It’s creepy,” Kyle added.

“I agree with you there,” Sarina said. “He’s still fucking ugly though.”

“Of course he is, ‘cause he’s probably a fucking faggot trying to doll himself up to get laid,” Eric said.

“Groooooss!” Kyle laughed. “That’s disgusting!”

“You wish, Eric,” Rion finally snapped, finding his voice.

“What?” Eric snorted, too caught up in his own insults to understand the implication right away.

“You fucking wish,” Rion repeated with emphasis. “I hate to be the one to ruin your sick fantasy, but even if I was into guys, there’s no way in hell I’d be interested in you.”

Eric jerked back, sputtering at the unexpected comeback. “What the–?! I never said–!”

“Why else would you want me to be gay?” Rion kept going, heart hammering in his chest. If they could twist words and situations, so could he. “Keep me out of your fucked up fantasies, you fucking freak!”

Eric lunged and grabbed Rion by the front of his jacket, jerking him forward. Sarina and Kyle were shrieking and jeering excitedly, but Rion’s mind was solely focused on Eric’s other arm, the one that pulled back, hand balled up in a fist, ready to pound him.

Rion thrashed, trying to free himself, briefly terrified of what was to come–

And then Rion was free, stumbling backwards through the grass. His arms pinwheeled at the unexpected freedom and he tripped, falling right back down, sprawled in the grass a second time now. He looked up, blinking owlishly.

Of all people, Peter was there. He had a vice-like grip on Eric’s wrist and he looked pissed.

“What the fuck!” Eric squawked, wide eyed. “Peter?!”

“What are you doing?!” Sarina cried out, her voice high and strained. “Peter, let him go!”

“Not yet,” Peter said in a stiff, controlled voice, staring unblinkingly down at Eric.

Between the two of them, Eric had a more muscular build. But Peter was taller and with that look on his face, he was ten times as intimidating. Eric shrank down before him.

Eric laughed in disbelief, trying to tug his arm free. “What the hell… You’re just some overgrown nerd! You’d better let go or else–”

“Or else nothing,” Peter cut him off. “This ‘overgrown nerd’ is a college student who’s been taking judo classes in the city for over a year. But more importantly, you pull any more shit, Eric, and you’ll be lucky if I don’t call your parents and the police.”

Eric froze, along with Sarina and Kyle. All three of them gaped at him, wide eyed.

“Y-you can’t do that!” Kyle squeaked out.

“I absolutely can,” Peter said. “I would be happy to have all three of you charged with assault.”

“Fuck!” Eric said, finally jerking his arm free. Or maybe Peter let him go. “We weren’t doing anything wrong! We were just defending Sarina–!”

“No you were not!” Peter snapped with all the authority of a paternal figure, making the other three tense and stare at him like he was a stranger. “Don’t even think about trying to bullshit me!”

Rion had never heard Peter talk to anyone like that before. And he had never seen Eric so cowed. It was crazy to see and Rion could only sit the grass watching, feeling stunned.

“Why are you being such an asshole!” Sarina piped up again. “Peter, you saw Rion–!”

“What did I just say?” Peter snapped at her. “I know what I saw and I know what I interrupted! I am not the asshole here!”

“But you don’t get it!” Sarina protested.

“I have no words,” Peter said and pointed sharply down the street. “Go. Get out of here. Right now.”

“But–!”

“Right now! Or I swear to God, I’m calling the police and you can answer to them!”

Effectively beaten, all three of them were left to scurry away with their tails tucked between their legs. Peter watched them go, standing stiffly until they were out of sight. Then, finally, he turned to Rion.

“Are you okay?” Peter asked.

He still looked angry but there was concern seeping into his voice as he held out a hand.

“Yeah, I… Yeah,” Rion said, allowing himself to be helped up off the ground.

He felt unsteady, but he was doing pretty good, all things considered. He wasn’t beaten to a bloody pulp. And he had Peter to thank for that.

“Are you sure?” Peter asked. “Rion… It looked like you were about to get the shit kicked out of you.”

Honestly, Rion would have been okay with it. Of course, he couldn’t say that to Peter. But Rion would have preferred to get beaten up over having to listen to the crap spilling out of Eric’s mouth about him being a fag and a queer.

Just thinking about it made him nauseous and dizzy. It wasn’t the first time Eric or Kyle had said those kinds of things and every time, it made Rion’s heart race. Even though it was obviously just the meanest, most derogatory thing they could think to say…

If they knew that even the tiniest part of that were true, that Rion really was… That he actually might be into guys… Rion would be done for. And if it spread around town… If people heard about it and they knew it was true…

It was easier to get beaten up than to imagine what kind of hell his life might become.

“Rion?”

He blinked, realizing he had zoned out and forgotten to answer Peter.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’m good,” Rion said. “I just… I… I don’t know. I don’t feel too good.”

“Want me to drive you home?” Peter asked.

Rion realized that Peter had parked just down the block. He must have stopped the car to come running to Rion’s defense. He felt the heat rise to his face, ashamed that Peter felt obligated to drop everything in order to rescue him.

Wasn’t this the second time? Peter had carried him home in the rain. And now Peter was helping him again, seeing him in another stupid situation…

Rion was ashamed. He must look so weak and pathetic…

“You… I can walk,” Rion said. “Sarina and those idiots are gone now. It’s fine.”

“I would feel a lot better if I drove you home,” Peter said. “I was hoping that maybe we could talk anyway. Maybe…we could set a date for you to come over? Noa wants to see you.”

It was like Peter knew exactly what to say. His words were like magic.

Rion didn’t want a ride home but the mention of Noa lifted a weight off his shoulder, relieved the pressure and fear. The topic was suddenly a normal one, the kind of thing regular people talked about. It was safe.

The situation had gone from Peter pitying him to Peter wanting to have a normal conversation with him. And while it was too good to be true, Rion wanted to eat up the bait.

“I… Okay. Sure,” Rion said, blinking. “I’d like to come over.”

“I was thinking Friday,” Peter said as they started walking. “Would that work for you?”

“Friday… I’m free after school,” Rion said.

This was like a dream. Normal conversation. A normal subject.

It was the strangest thing. This should feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t a normal change of topic. But it was the kind of change that Rion wanted, and he almost felt like he could cry at being treated like he was a normal person. He was so happy that Peter wasn’t making a big deal out of what just happened. Rion didn’t even care that it was unnatural.

“Perfect,” Peter said. “I was also thinking that we should have another get-together, like how we hung out on Noa’s birthday. Do you think you could make time for something like that?”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Yeah, I could. I think… Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Great,” Peter said. “Noa said he wanted you to come over, and I think it would be good if we could all spend more time together.”

They got in the car. Rion let himself sink into the seat and just breathe. There was some kind of music playing…

“Is that Lord of the Rings?” Rion asked. “Like, the film soundtrack?”

Peter blinked and then offered him an awkward smile. “I have the CDs… I can switch it over to the radio if you want.”

“No! No, it’s fine,” Rion said. “It’s very…you.”

“I hope you mean that as a compliment,” Peter said, pulling out onto the road.

“I do,” Rion said. “You, uh… You actually know judo or whatever?”

“What?”

“You told Eric… Is that some kind of martial art or something?”

“Oh. Yeah,” Peter said. “I’m not a black belt or anything like that. I took some classes in the city because some of my friends are into it. The instructor likes me because I’m a good height.”

“Right,” Rion said, “because you’re so tall.”

Peter let out a small, amused chuckle. “Kind of. Judo is more about using your opponent’s own force against them. I’m usually the guy that gets tossed for practice.”

“Actually?”

“Yeah. Gives the beginners confidence.”

“Huh.”

Peter didn’t say anything for a moment. It wasn’t awkward but it was enough to make Rion uncomfortable.

“Do you want me to call the police?” Peter asked.

“What?” Rion said, blinking at him.

“Because of Eric and the other two.”

“No! Please… They didn’t even do anything,” Rion said, turning away, hating that the moment of normalcy had passed. “I don’t even want to think about it right now. They didn’t even do anything. It’s… I’m fine.”

Peter glanced at him very briefly before he turned his gaze back to the road.

“Okay, Rion,” he said. “I just wanted to check. We don’t have to talk about it.”

Rion sat, tense, waiting for whatever was going to come next. But instead…

“So, what’s your favourite game right now?”

“My favourite…?” Rion repeated, turning back to him. “Why? Aren’t you going to keep going on about Sarina and those other goons?”

“Like I said, we don’t have to talk about it,” Peter said. “So. Favourite game?”

Hesitantly, Rion began to relax again. “Animal Crossing.”

“Nice,” Peter said. “That’s a good one. Who do you have for villagers?”

And then Rion really did relax, sinking into the seat. Normal. Yes, he needed this.

“I’ve got some great ones,” Rion said. “Coco, Bob, and Bunnie… I’m trying to get rid of Hugh.”

“Hugh? Not familiar with that one.”

“He’s a really creepy blue pig. If you haven’t seen him, you’re lucky.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Peter said. “We’re trying to kick Rizzo out right now.”

“I hated him too,” Rion said with a small huff. “Took me a month to get him to move.”

He relaxed further, realizing that Peter really wasn’t going to bring up Sarina and the others again. He almost wanted to stay in the car when they pulled up at his house, despite the drive taking hardly any time.

“I’ll see you Friday then? After school?” Peter asked as Rion got out of the car.

“Yeah,” Rion said, feeling much lighter already. “Yeah, I’ll see you Friday.”

Chapter 27 – Jesse

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

When the phone rang after supper, Jesse answered before his mother could. He had a gut feeling that it was a call about Noa or Rion, and he turned out to be right.

“Hi, this is Peter. Is Jesse there?”

Peter’s voice sounded so tired on the phone. His voice was short and clipped.

“This is Jesse,” he said. “Did something happen?”

“Jesse. Perfect. Yes, something happened,” Peter said. “I just drove Rion home after I narrowly saved him from getting his face smashed in by Eric.”

Jesse stiffened, immediately worried. He didn’t want to say that he was expecting it, but it was only a partial shock.

“Rion’s okay?” he asked.

“Yes. I stepped in and put a stop to it. Sarina, Eric, and Kyle were all ganging up on him. I didn’t hear much of what was said, but what I did hear was pretty bad. I threatened to call the police on them and they finally smartened up and left.”

“So, Sarina and her friends… Shit,” Jesse said, scrubbing at his face. “That’s…”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” Jesse said. “Are you still with Rion, or…?”

“No, I just got home,” Peter said. “I called Danny and we had a talk. I arranged to meet Celeste in about an hour, but now Danny wants to come and we thought you should join us, if you can make it. I understand that it’s short notice–”

“I’ll come,” Jesse said without a second thought. “Where are you meeting? The hotel?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there in an hour.”

Jesse didn’t need to get ready so he left early. He was the first one there but, surprisingly, Danny was the next to show up, not fifteen minutes later.

“Hey,” Danny said, flashing him a tired smile. “Glad you could come. We seriously have some stuff to go over.”

“I’ll say,” Jesse said. “So Peter told you what happened?”

“Yeah,” Danny said, grimacing as he sat, joining Jesse in the booth. “God, I feel bad for Rion… Did Peter tell you about the bracelets?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I can hardly believe it. I’m still just… I didn’t expect it. I didn’t think that Noa would do something like that. But then, I guess I didn’t expect it from Rion either and I still believed it was him…”

“Talking to Rion about it was messed up,” Danny said. “He’s really not okay. He broke down in tears and he was just a mess. I feel so bad for him. Like… He’s been putting up with all this stuff this whole time, just to keep Noa safe.”

It made Jesse feel deeply guilty. He nodded and looked down at the worn tabletop between them.

“I feel like…everything just slips between my fingers and I have no control over anything,” Jesse said. “Things like this… All I can do is wonder how it happened and how I didn’t notice or question anything. It makes me feel useless.”

“Well, you’re not useless,” Danny said. “I think Peter has the right idea. We need to support Rion right now. And Noa too. They’ve both been through a lot. They need us.”

“Yeah,” Jesse agreed. “Peter had a conversation with me about supporting Rion. I want to help but I’m not really sure what to do. He suggested checking in on Rion… That almost feels too awkward, doesn’t it? We’ve barely spoken in years and because of Sarina…”

“If it helps… I think all of us should get together and talk to Rion. I mean, it’s easier to deal with stuff together. When you’re on your own, you just get caught up in your own head.”

“Yeah. True enough.”

He might have added more but Peter arrived. He looked surprised to see them.

“And here I thought I was early,” he said as he joined their booth, sitting next to Danny.

“Hey,” Danny greeted him. “I was just saying that I think we need to all get together and talk to Rion as a group. Not right away, maybe, but…”

“That’s a good idea,” Peter agreed immediately. “We’re having Rion over on Friday, so maybe I can set a date with him then. And if Noa’s willing, maybe he can join us too.”

“Noa?” Jesse said, perking up. “Do you think he would be up for that? I mean, with how closed off he is…”

“Noa opens right up when it comes to Rion,” Peter said. “Even if we just mention him, Noa starts talking. I think it’s a really good sign. Anything that gets him interacting and social is something we want to encourage.”

That made sense to Jesse. He usually only saw Noa annually at Amber’s grave, and maybe the odd time at a store with one of the Murphys. He was quiet, unresponsive, zombie-like… If Rion was bringing back Noa’s old self, that was definitely a good thing.

“I think Noa will be on our side too,” Danny added. “He’s always really, really liked Rion. They’re best friends. And maybe he can help talk some sense into him.”

“I hope so,” Peter said seriously.

They didn’t have to wait much longer for Celeste to arrive. She quickly joined their table, sliding into the booth next to Jesse.

“Did something happen?” she asked. “I thought you just wanted to talk, Peter.”

“I do,” Peter said. “There’s just…a lot going on. Let’s get you caught up.”

Peter began by filling Celeste in on what he’d already told Jesse and Danny about the bracelets. Celeste asked questions while he talked, but her eyes grew wide and she put a hand to her mouth, mumbling what sounded like a French curse.

“All this time…he’s been lying? To protect Noa?” she said. “But… Sarina needs to know! We have to tell her.”

“Yeah, I totally agree with that,” Danny said.

“Yes…but also no…” Peter said, grimacing. “Because earlier today, I had to stop Sarina, Eric, and Kyle from attacking Rion.”

“No!” Celeste said, shocked and disappointed. “I just talked to Sarina a couple days ago! She seemed… I thought… I felt like she was actually listening to me. She agreed that maybe she’d gone too far with Rion.”

“Either she was lying or she’s normalized attacking Rion,” Peter said. “Judging from what I saw, she’s normalized it. I only heard a bit when I got out of the car but they were calling Rion names like faggot and queer.”

“What? You didn’t mention that over the phone!” Danny said. “Sarina said that?! No!”

“It was Eric and Kyle,” Peter said. “But Sarina wasn’t doing anything to stop them. Rion threw their insults back in their face and I got there just in time to stop Eric from giving him a beating for it. Sarina had the audacity to suggest I was misunderstanding the situation – what a joke! I threatened to call their parents and the police and they finally had the sense to back off.”

“Geez,” Danny said. “That’s messed up… That’s so messed up! What the actual hell is wrong with them?”

“That is messed up,” Jesse agreed, grimacing. “Calling Rion names and then trying to hurt him when he stands up for himself…”

It was wrong. It was so wrong. And it was easy to see why Peter and Danny were so motivated to do something about it. This sounded completely out of control. He had no idea things were this bad.

“I know,” Peter agreed. “I gave Rion a ride home and talked about random stuff with him to calm him down. I think that’s what he needs right now. I don’t think he has anyone to talk to. His dad is hardly ever home and I don’t think he has any other friends…”

“God,” Celeste said, putting her face in her hands for a minute. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that Sarina would… She seemed so sincere when we talked. I felt like I really connected with her.”

“I think she might be a lost cause,” Peter said with a shake of his head.

“Yeah,” Danny said unhappily. “I don’t want that to be true, but…it’s really starting to seem like it.”

“I don’t know…” Celeste said. “I just… I’ll talk to her again. I’ll ask her about it. I already promised that I’d meet up with her some other time. I… I can tell her about the bracelets.”

Peter nodded. “Actually, I would really appreciate that.”

“You would?” Celeste said.

“I don’t want to talk to her,” Peter admitted. “I don’t want anything to do with Sarina right now. Not after what I just saw. But she needs to know the truth. If you would talk to her, I would be very grateful, Celeste.”

Jesse agreed with that too. He really wasn’t impressed with Sarina and her behaviour. He didn’t want to talk to her either. If Celeste was willing to, he would happily let her deal with Sarina.

“I… I need to hear what she has to say for herself,” Celeste said. “I need her to explain it to me. She… I can’t believe that she went and did that after we talked. I really thought I was getting through to her. I thought she was listening. I don’t know what went wrong…”

“I don’t think anything went wrong, Celeste,” Danny said. “It wasn’t you. This was something Sarina decided herself.”

“That’s right,” Peter agreed. “Sarina’s decisions are her own.”

“I know that, but I just… I can’t believe it,” she sighed. “Calling Rion…those names… Why would they do that? Do you think Rion’s actually…you know…gay?”

“Probably not,” Peter said. “Not that it matters either way.”

“Yeah,” Jesse agreed. “It was probably the worst thing they could think to say. I’ve come across people like that online. You’d be surprised how casually some people will throw around slurs.”

“That doesn’t seem like words people should throw around just to be mean,” Celeste said with a frown.

“Some people are jerks,” Danny said with a shrug. “Like Peter said, it doesn’t matter. They’re calling Rion names and it’s wrong. End of story.”

“I know, it’s just… If it is true, it’s going to hurt him more,” Celeste said. “It’s like when I was young and got called fat and ugly… It hurt because it was true.”

“What? You’re not fat or ugly,” Danny said. “Who told you that?”

Celeste blushed. “Danny…I see myself in the mirror every day. I know what I look like.”

“You’re fine!” Danny said. “So you’re not as thin as some other girls or whatever. Who cares? And seriously, who told you this stuff?”

“Well, mostly Jolie, but…”

“And you trust her opinion? Celeste, you know better!”

“Yeah,” Jesse added. “Don’t even worry about that.”

Their reassurances were getting to Celeste because her whole face was red. She shrunk down, clearly getting self-conscious about it.

Celeste has always been quiet, shy, and insecure. Jesse remembered how Amber used to worry about her and how she had to push Celeste to get her to hang out sometimes. Jesse was annoyed at Jolie on Celeste’s behalf. Sure, their families didn’t get along, but to say something like that to her own cousin’s face…

“I… Well… If you say so,” Celeste relented in a small voice. “Anyway, my point still stands. If the insult is true…or if you believe it to be true…it hurts more. Because it’s like a personal attack. I mean, I don’t know about Rion or what he has going on. It’s not any of my business, but…”

“People will call a guy a fag to emasculate him,” Peter said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s true. It’s the meanest insult some people can come up with. They say it to make the other guy mad. Happens all the time online, like Jesse said.”

“I guess it would be worse if it was true,” Danny said, musing for a second. “But it doesn’t matter because either way, it needs to stop. I’m sure they’d call Rion anything just to hurt him and it’d never be okay.”

“Yes. What matters is helping Rion,” Peter said. “We need to come up with some strategies.”

“Strategies…?” Celeste repeated. “Like…for managing Eric, Kyle, and Sarina?”

“And for Rion to deal with them,” Peter said. “If he has tools he can use, he won’t stress as much. If we’re people he can come to for support, that will also help. There’s a lot of different options.”

“You’ve really thought this through,” Celeste said. “So, what can we do to help exactly? What kind of strategies have you thought of?”

“It’s still a work in progress,” Peter admitted. “I think we need to be proactive and make an effort to spend time with Rion.”

“So, like you were saying to me before. About checking in on him,” Jesse said.

“Yes, exactly,” Peter said. “If I’m being completely honest, I think Rion probably needs some kind of psychiatric help like Noa. I plan on having a conversation with his dad.”

“That seems a bit… You don’t think that would be overstepping?” Celeste asked, frowning. “I mean… That seems pretty personal and serious and… I don’t know.”

“This whole time, we’ve been thinking that Rion was a cold jerk because of what happened to the bracelet,” Peter said. “Not only is that blatantly untrue, but his situation is almost the same as Noa’s. Amber’s death devastated them. We only treated them differently because Noa shut down. But really, think about it. Rion went through the exact same trauma. He was there when Amber died too. Noa had help, but Rion has nothing. Combined with Sarina and her friends bullying him… He needs help beyond anything we can give him.”

“We should maybe talk to Rion about it first,” Jesse said. “Then he wouldn’t feel like we were going behind his back.”

“Yeah, I like that idea,” Danny said. “We can get his thoughts on it too that way. He’s not a little kid or anything. He’ll be eighteen in a couple months, right? Maybe it’s something he could be convinced to do on his own.”

“Maybe,” Peter said. He hesitated. “Therapy can be expensive though. It would be better with his father’s support.”

“I agree that we should talk to him first,” Celeste said. “If Rion doesn’t want to go, then it doesn’t matter if we convince his dad. I mean, isn’t that Noa’s problem? I heard that you guys went through a lot of doctors because Noa doesn’t talk…”

“Noa’s situation is different, but…you’re not wrong,” Peter said. “Rion needs to be willing to try it for it to work. Still, even if he refuses, I want to make sure that we at least start being proactive and start supporting him. I think even just having normal conversations with us will help him.”

“I can do that much for sure,” Danny said. “I live right across the way from him now. It’s no problem.”

“I’m willing to try,” Celeste said. “But I think we need to do more things as a group. Like a…an icebreaker. We should warm up to each other since it’s been so long since we connected, and… Rion might be worried that it’s all fake.”

“Fake?” Danny said.

Celeste gave a small, helpless shrug. “I mean, we’ve all been apart for so long. He might have trouble believing that we forgive him so easily. It’s been six years…”

“Okay. Then the first step is getting us all together again,” Peter said. “That’s simple enough.”

“So, we’ll get together, break the ice, smooth things over, and once things are going well, then we’ll suggest therapy?” Jesse said. “That’s the plan so far? Aside from, you know, checking in on him.”

“That’s the plan,” Peter said.

“We can tweak it as we go,” Danny said. “Like, maybe Celeste will get super, super lucky and actually have a breakthrough with Sarina.”

“But we can’t count on that,” Peter said. “As far as the bullying goes, I say that we call it out if we see it and if Rion is in danger, we call the police.”

Celeste went wide eyed and even Danny looked unsure. Jesse understood. It was uncomfortable to think about the situation being that serious. Even he felt uneasy about taking it that far.

“Are you sure?” Jesse asked. “I mean… I understand that what they’re doing isn’t right… But calling the police?”

“Bullying tends to escalate,” Peter said. “They’re already leaving him black and blue and cutting him down verbally. They could easily cause Rion a severe injury or even kill him.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… I don’t think Sarina and them are trying to kill him…” Danny said, holding up his hands.

“I don’t think they are either,” Peter said. “But accidents happen. One wrong punch to the nose or even shoving him off the sidewalk… Too much verbal abuse could even cut Rion down enough to make him take his own life. This isn’t a game, it’s serious.”

Jesse wished it wasn’t true, but it was. When Peter put it into perspective like that…yeah. Rion could get seriously hurt, even if Sarina and her friends weren’t meaning to take things that far. They were already okay with throwing around slurs and beating him up…

The thought of Rion taking his own life was a hard one for Jesse. He couldn’t say that he wasn’t familiar with those thoughts himself. After Amber had died, Jesse had considered following her. He’d gone through a very dark period filled with dark thoughts. What held him back was the thought that Amber would never have wanted that. She would have wanted him to be happy.

He didn’t think he was happy yet, but he was doing a lot better. Therapy had helped. There were things that he enjoyed doing and he was figuring life out. He knew that was the right thing to do.

Maybe Jesse needed to have a serious conversation with Rion; sit down and talk honestly, just the two of them. It might not help, but…

“I’ll talk to Sarina again,” Celeste said. “I want to ask her why she would do that after our last conversation. If she doesn’t have a good answer then… I don’t know.”

“Might have to give up on her,” Danny said glumly. “As extreme as it sounds, calling the cops on them might be the right thing to do. I mean, this really is that serious…”

“But we have each other,” Peter said. “That’s why we need to work together. This is too much for anyone on their own. We can’t even fix things. We can only help and make a support structure. The rest is up to Rion.”

“I’m for it,” Jesse said. “All of this sounds like a better plan than sitting around and doing nothing.”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “I’ll do what I can too. I’ll let you know how things work out with Sarina.”

“Great,” Danny said. “So, we should pick some times when we’re all free, right? So that we can start by getting together with Rion?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “Let’s run by some dates and when I see Rion on Friday, I’ll do my best to set something up.”

Chapter 28 – Sarina

Friday, February 14, 1997

“I did some reading at the library,” Sarina said, puffing up in pride as she handed Noa his Valentine. “In Japan, girls give Valentine chocolates to boys today, but in March they have another Valentine’s Day where boys have to give girls chocolates!”

Noa took the card she was offering – one from the Lost World with a velociraptor that said, ‘Valentine You Rule!’ – and the small baggie of Valentine’s Day chocolates that she was also offering him. He looked them over, reading the card.

From Noa’s side, Rion looked at her weird. “We’re not in Japan, Sarina.”

“But Noa’s half-Japanese,” Sarina said. “So, he should get me chocolates in March.”

“I’m Canadian,” Noa said, as though that concluded things. “Thanks, Sarina. But I already got you a Valentine.”

He held out a Valentine for her. It was a Star Wars one.

Sarina pouted as she accepted the card. She barely glanced at it. She didn’t like Star Wars.

“But I got you chocolate,” Sarina said. “So you should get me something too.”

“I don’t like chocolate,” Noa said, blinking at her. “Do you want it back?”

“What?” she sputtered, blushing in embarrassment. “No!”

“Then today can be Valentine’s Day for both of us,” Noa said. “We don’t need to do it again in March. That’s dumb.”

Noa’s words were a painful stab. Why would he call the idea dumb? She’s been thinking of him!

Instead of saying anything, she turned sharply to Rion so that she could begrudgingly hand him his Valentine and some cinnamon hearts. It was her least favourite card of the pack she’d gotten, one with a T-Rex that read ‘Have A Wild Valentine’s Day!’.

Rion gave her a card back, the same one. He’d gotten the exact same pack of Valentine cards. Because Rion was annoying like that. He made her so mad sometimes.

“I like chocolate,” Rion said, setting aside the Valentine card and turning to Noa. He held up the cinnamon hearts Sarina had given him. “I’ll trade you my cinnamon hearts if you like them better.”

“Okay,” Noa said.

Sarina watched them trade, her face burning in shame and frustration. The chocolates were meant for Noa! It was really mean of him to give them away! Why would he do that?

She had dressed up all cute today and everything. She was wearing a T-shirt covered in big red hearts and she’d even done her hair up in pigtails all by herself. Noa didn’t even notice. He hadn’t said anything, he’d barely looked at her and now he was trading away the chocolate she gave him to stupid Rion.

“Um…”

Sarina jumped at the soft voice next to her shoulder. Standing beside her was Monique. Sarina hadn’t even noticed when she’d joined them.

Monique was always quiet and she had a permanent gloomy look to her, dark bangs constantly in her face. She wasn’t dressed in cheery Valentine’s Day reds or whites like Sarina. Monique was wearing a baggy Sailor Moon shirt and some dark plaid pants.

She was kind of weird, but Sarina had been best friends with her since kindergarten.

“Um…” Monique said again, looking up at Rion and Noa shyly. She had some Valentines in her hands.

“Are those for us?” Rion asked.

Monique nodded and held one out to him.

“Thanks,” Rion said, smiling as he took his.

“Thank you, Monique,” Noa added as he took his.

“Sarina…” Monique said, offering her a Valentine too, along with some chocolates.

“Thanks,” Sarina said, taking it. She quickly went through her bag of Valentines to take out her card and chocolates for Monique. “Here’s yours.”

“Thank you,” Monique said in a tiny voice. Then she leaned in towards Sarina to whisper, “Have you seen Danny?”

“Danny?” Sarina repeated. “No. He’s probably in his classroom.”

Monique deflated. “I guess so…”

“We could go see him,” Rion said. “I have a Valentine for him.”

“Me too,” Noa added.

Monique squirmed in place at having the attention on her. “O-oh…um… It’s…um… I…”

“She’s my best friend. I’ll go with her,” Sarina said, puffing up. “And Danny’s my best friend too.”

“But we’re friends with Danny,” Rion pointed out. “And we have Valentines for him.”

“Why don’t we all go together?” Noa added. “Since we’re all friends.”

“It should be okay as long as we don’t take too long,” Rion said, glancing around. “We just need to get back before class starts.”

Of course they were going to be annoying like that. Sarina was okay with Noa coming, but she really wished Rion would go away. Why was Noa even friends with him? He was weird and annoying.

“Fine. Then let’s– Ow!” Sarina squealed as someone grabbed her by one of her pigtails and gave it a tug.

It didn’t really hurt that much since it wasn’t a hard pull, but Sarina was startled. She tried to turn and found Eric standing behind her with a big grin on his face.

“Why’s your hair done up all funny?” he asked, giving her pigtail another tug.

“Ow! Stop it!” Sarina protested.

“Let go, Eric,” Rion said.

“It’s not like I’m hurting her,” Eric said, wiggling her pigtail, still keeping a tight grip on the end.

Sarina’s annoyance and surprise were giving way to more shame and embarrassment. She was already having a bad day because of Rion and Noa… Now Eric was humiliating her too. Her eyes were starting to sting. She wanted to run and hide and cry.

“What are you doing? Don’t pull on Sarina’s hair like that!”

At the sound of Danny’s voice, Eric immediately let go. Sarina hurriedly stepped away, Monique jumping to her side as she bumped into…Noa?

Yes, Sarina had bumped into Noa. He didn’t look at her, though. He was tense and stiff, staring Eric down with his jaw and fists clenched tight.

And then Danny was there in front of them, frowning at Eric.

“That’s really mean!” Danny said. “Don’t pull people’s hair!”

“I was just kidding,” Eric said, shrinking down and looking embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It was a joke.”

“It wasn’t funny,” Danny said. “Sarina’s a girl and she’s littler than you. You shouldn’t hurt her. That’s wrong.”

“I wasn’t hurting her. I just grabbed her hair…” Eric said. He perked up a little bit. “I have some Valentines for everyone.”

He pulled out a bunch of generic cards for all of them.

“Well, okay… But you should say you’re sorry,” Danny said and turned to Sarina. He had brought some Valentines with him too. “Sarina, are you okay?”

“Yeah…” Sarina said, already feeling better now that someone was finally defending her. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Danny.”

“We were gonna come looking for you,” Rion said. “We have Valentines.”

“Same here,” Danny said but he turned back to Eric. “But first, you say sorry to Sarina, Eric.”

Eric shuffled his feet. “Sorry, Sarina… I was just kidding around.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Um…here.”

She looked through her Valentines and found Eric’s, passing it to him. He swapped it for hers.

“Sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Danny said, all smiles now that things were resolved. “Science ran late because we were watching a video.”

“Lucky!” Eric said at once. “We never get videos.”

“D-Danny…”

It was Monique. She was looking up at Danny with big eyes, holding out her Valentine for him. She’d put some glittery, Halloween bat stickers all over it and she had a bunch of Hershey Kisses for him.

“Oh! That’s for me?” he asked. Monique nodded. “Thanks, Monique! Wow, that’s…that’s a lot of bats!”

“Monique wishes every holiday was Halloween,” Sarina said.

“Well, Halloween is pretty great,” Danny said.

Monique’s whole face was red. She nodded.

“I like Halloween,” Noa said, “because it’s Rion’s birthday.”

Rion laughed. “I like that I can dress up on my birthday. But sometimes I’d rather stay home than go trick-or-treating.”

Sarina made a face. She hated hearing about Rion’s birthday.

She had a holiday birthday just like Rion did. But her birthday was on Christmas. It was the worst thing ever! Mom and Dad got her the same amount of presents they did for Travis and then said her presents were Christmas and birthday gifts. But then Travis got way more stuff on his birthday in March. It wasn’t fair!

But…but Amber and Celeste had made things a lot better. They started giving her some little presents in June to celebrate the halfway mark to her birthday. Travis had even started joining in.

Rion had no idea what that was like. He got candy, cake, and presents on his birthday. It wasn’t a problem for him. And his dad always got him really cool things like Game Boys and stuff. Her parents would never get her anything like that.

“Hey, why don’t we go find the others and give them their Valentines too,” Danny said. “There’s still time.”

“Good idea,” Rion said.

“I’ll stay here,” Eric said but he grinned and waved at Sarina. “Bye, Sarina. Your hair looks kind of cool done up all weird like that.”

“Thanks?” she said and watched him run off to some of his other friends.

“I hate him,” Noa said once Eric was gone.

“Whoa! Isn’t that a bit much?” Danny said, spinning to him in surprise.

Noa made a face and shook his head. “No. He’s mean. I hate him.”

“Hate is a pretty strong word, though…” Danny said.

Noa huffed.

“I think he means that he doesn’t like him,” Rion said. “I don’t like Eric either. He pushed me off the jungle gym last week.”

“He always does mean stuff and then says it’s a joke,” Noa added.

“Well… I don’t know. I’m not saying anyone should like him…” Danny sighed and turned for the door. “Come on. Let’s go. We’re going to run out of time.”

Instead of sticking with Sarina, Monique was hot on Danny’s heels, following him like a shadow. Sarina hung back with Noa and Rion as they slipped out of the classroom.

The halls were busy since it was Valentine’s Day. There were a lot of kids exchanging cards and candy with friends. They managed to find Peter with his friends and then Celeste. She was all smiles, giggling funny when they found her.

“Have you seen Amber or Jesse?” Danny asked her.

“Yeees,” Celeste said with another giggle, pointing. “They’re in the corner by the lockers over there.”

“Is something funny?” Danny asked her, confused.

Celeste grinned, biting her bottom lip. She shrugged but didn’t give them an answer.

They followed her directions and they found Amber and Jesse off by themselves. They slowed down a bit since it seemed like the two of them were having a quiet conversation. They were both clutching at their Valentines, looking intense. And they were blushing…

“…If…if you ask your parents and I ask my parents…it should be okay. Right?” Jesse was saying.

“Yeah! Sure!” Amber said, her voice going much higher than normal. “I’d love that, Jesse! Really!”

“You… Yeah?” he said, immediately grinning. “Me too! I mean… As long as our parents don’t mind. But I think… My mom really likes you so I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend!” Amber said. “I’ll talk to my parents tonight, I promise. You get permission tonight too, okay?”

“Oh, whoa, tonight?” Jesse said, blinking fast. “I… Yeah! Yeah, sure! I really…I really want to be your boyfriend too…”

Sarina’s face was getting hot at overhearing their conversation. Jesse and Amber wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend?! But before they could listen in more, Danny quickly began steering them away.

“You know what?” he squeaked, voice cracking. “We’ll talk to Jesse and Amber later. I think they’re busy! We can trade Valentines with them after school!”

Monique had buried her face in her hands in embarrassment and Rion looked stunned. Noa was the only one making a weird face.

“Gross…” he said. “Ew! They’re going to date?”

“It’s not gross!” Sarina said to him. “I think it’s really cool!”

“Bleh!” Noa replied, sticking out his tongue in distaste.

Rion blinked at them and let out a laugh. “You think they’ll get in trouble? For dating? Are they allowed to do that?”

“I’m sure it’s fine. They said they were going to talk to their parents,” Danny said. “Hey, come on, since we’re here let’s go look for Travis or something.”

Chapter 29 – Rion

Friday, September 17, 2004

Rion came over to the Murphy home after supper. He was full of nervous energy and couldn’t stop fidgeting until he was on their front step. He sucked in a sharp breath before ringing the doorbell.

Noa answered not a second after Rion pulled his hand back. This time, Noa didn’t wait to throw his arms around Rion and pull him into a tight hug. Rion winced a little, partly in surprise and partly because of his old bruises, but he was more than happy to hug Noa back, leaning into him.

“Are you okay?” Noa asked him.

Rion’s chest suddenly felt tight. He worried about what Peter might have told Noa. This was a completely different greeting from the last time they'd seen each other.

“I’m okay,” Rion said. “Are you?”

“Yes,” Noa said.

They pulled apart. Noa looked him over, studying him critically. Rion offered him a tiny smile.

“Hey, Rion,” Peter said as he came to join them in the entrance. “Come on in. It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah. Same,” Rion said.

“Let’s go,” Noa said.

“Go?” Rion said as he stepped inside, closing the door behind himself.

“Yes. To my room,” Noa told him, pointing up the nearby stairs.

“Shouldn’t I say hi to your aunt and uncle first?” Rion said and turned to Peter. “They’re home, right?”

“Yeah, they’re here in the living room,” Peter said. “Noa, give him some breathing room. Let him get comfortable.”

Noa stared at Peter while he spoke but the second he was done, Noa focused his attention back on Rion. “I drew you some pictures. Did you reread the comic yet?”

“Ah…no,” Rion admitted. “Sorry.”

He glanced between Peter and Noa, feeling awkward at how focused Noa was. It wasn’t that he disliked the attention but he wished Noa wouldn’t shrug Peter off like that.

“That’s okay,” Noa said. “Do you still play games? Do you have a GBA?”

“Uh, yeah. But I didn’t bring it with me,” Rion said.

“Do you play Pokémon? I have Ruby and Peter has Sapphire.”

“Oh, yeah. I have Ruby too.”

“We should play together some time. We could battle or trade…”

“Noa,” Peter cut in. “Let Rion come inside and get comfortable. I know you’re excited, but please.”

Noa pursed his lips. “Fine.”

Rion smiled sheepishly as they shuffled into the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were there and they smiled and waved from their seats. It seemed like the family was relaxing after supper.

“Hi, Rion,” Mrs. Murphy said. “It’s good to see you. Did you want anything to eat or drink?”

“Ah… I don’t know…” he shrugged. “I think I’m good.”

“Coffee?” Peter asked.

Rion stared at him for a beat too long. Most people didn’t offer teenagers coffee. He was caught off guard. And then he couldn’t refuse, since it was something that people didn’t normally ask. He felt compelled to say yes.

“You know, sure,” he said.

“Cream? Sugar?” Peter said.

“Yeah to both. Sounds good. Thanks.”

“Noa? Did you want anything?” Peter added.

“Tea,” Noa said.

“What kind?”

“Earl Grey.”

“Hot?”

Noa gave Peter a flat look. “Yes. Hot. Obviously.”

“Come on. You like Star Trek,” Peter said.

Noa rolled his eyes and Rion smiled. They’d watched their share of Star Trek as kids. Peter was always way more into it than they were. Still, Rion sometimes put on TV and watched old reruns or the occasional random episode of Enterprise on the Space channel.

“Fine, fine,” Peter said, giving up on trying to engage Noa since he wasn’t having it. “So, coffee and Earl Grey. How about you, Mom? Dad?”

“I’m good,” Mrs. Murphy said.

“Same here. Thanks, Peter,” Mr. Murphy added.

“Be right back,” Peter said, slipping out.

“We can go up to my room now,” Noa said the second Peter was gone.

“You’re not going to visit?” Mrs. Murphy asked.

“The GameCube is down here,” Mr. Murphy said. “You guys could play some Mario Kart.”

“We’ll come back later,” Noa said.

Noa waved Rion along as he turned and left. Rion felt a little bad leaving the Murphys behind. He gave them an apologetic smile and a wave.

“I guess we’ll be back in a bit,” Rion said.

He hurried to catch up with Noa, who was already headed upstairs. He followed him, only hesitating at the top when he could see the door to Amber’s room. Noa stopped, turning to Rion.

“Don’t look at it,” he said in a low voice. “It’s fine. Probably. It’s been quiet today.”

That wasn’t reassuring.

The way Noa talked made it sound like Amber’s ghost visited her old room. Rion wondered if it was true or if Noa was imagining things. Rion heard and felt things sometimes, usually when he was alone for too long. It seemed real even though Rion knew it couldn’t be, and he wondered if Noa went through the same thing. It sounded like he did.

It was hard to tear his eyes away from Amber’s door. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end and his palms were sweating. Rion forced his gaze down, his heart in his throat as he followed Noa into his room.

“How do you get by her door every day?” Rion asked as Noa partially closed the door behind them.

“Sometimes I can’t,” Noa said. “Here.”

He went and grabbed some sketches from his nightstand and held them out to Rion, who accepted them and looked through them. It took him a second to focus, but he was relieved by the distraction. He didn’t want to think about Amber, though the thought weighed heavy in the back of his mind.

The first couple pictures were of their characters from the comic. Rion couldn’t help but smile. Noa had vastly improved his art skills and the characters seemed more vibrant, and… Really, this was on the level of a professional artist. It was amazing how far he’d come. Noa must have been practicing this entire time.

Rion’s character was Ace, a human warrior. He was cool and handsome, dark haired and sharp eyed. He was drawn as if he was pulled straight from Rion’s imagination. Noa’s character, on the other hand, was an attractive elf healer called Solace. He had big hazel eyes and long blue hair that was pulled back in a braid, wearing sweeping green robes.

But those weren’t the only drawings. The last one was one of Rion himself. He recognized it from a picture that had been taken when he was younger. Noa must have used it as a reference.

It was of Rion playing the piano, looking intense and focused.

“Oh… Oh, wow…” he said, caught off guard. “This is…”

“I liked listening to you practice,” Noa said. “You were really good. Do you still play?”

“No,” Rion said. He smiled bitterly. “We don’t even have Mom’s piano anymore. My dad… I stopped playing and my uncle wanted it. He plays for an orchestra, you know? And he used to be really close to Mom, so… Dad let him have it.”

“Oh…” Noa said, looking down. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rion said. “This is a really good drawing. They’re all amazing. Like, I’m really impressed. Thank you.”

“I’m glad,” Noa said, almost smiling for a moment.

But then Noa’s expression became flat and somber. He sat down on his bed and looked up at Rion, focused.

“We need to talk,” Noa said. “Peter told me you lied about your friendship bracelet and Sarina’s hurting you because of it. Is that true?”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “That’s true.”

He carefully sat down on the chair at Noa’s desk, keeping a grip on the drawings. Was this why Noa wanted to get him in his room? Did he want privacy to talk? It made sense and Rion could empathize. He wanted to talk to Noa in private too. They had a lot of catching up to do. Of course, he wasn’t sure this was what he wanted to talk about…

“Why did you lie?” Noa asked, frowning. He looked hurt to Rion, his expression stiff, blank, and intense. “You should have told everyone that it was me.”

“No! No, I couldn’t,” Rion said. “You… It wasn’t that simple. Sarina confronted me in front of everyone and they were all so upset… I didn’t want anyone to get mad at you.”

“Why not?” Noa said. “I deserve it. I’m the one who wrecked my bracelet.”

“No, Noa,” Rion said. “You didn’t even want me around back then. I couldn’t just pin everything on you, and… You didn’t see how they reacted. It was really hard and you…you needed time and space, and… I don’t mind that they were upset with me. It was for the best.”

“No. It wasn’t,” Noa said. “Sarina…she hurt you?”

Rion shifted self-consciously. He didn’t want to answer, but he wasn’t about to keep the truth from Noa. There weren’t any secrets between them.

“Yes,” Rion said. “But it’s not that bad. I’m fine.”

“Nothing’s ‘fine’ about Sarina hurting you,” Noa said, his voice rising. “No one should hurt you. Ever.”

“In a perfect world, I would agree with you. But I deserve it,” Rion said. “After everything that happened and what I did…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Noa said. “The only mistake you made was trying to help me. You tried to protect me. That’s not bad or wrong. You’re a good person.”

“I’m not. I’m really, really not,” Rion said bitterly. It was painful to hear Noa talk about him like that, after everything they’d been through. A good person… “Listen, this was for the best. It’s all coming apart now, but… Maybe they won’t be upset with you. Peter and Danny made it seem like I might be forgiven, so you should be too.”

“I don’t want to be forgiven,” Noa said.

Rion took a breath to argue but there were footsteps in the hall. His mouth snapped shut and he turned quickly. There was a soft, “Hello” and then Peter peeked in, a steaming mug in each hand.

“You really couldn’t stop yourselves from running up here and hiding away?” Peter asked.

He looked between them. Rion couldn’t help but feel paranoid, wondering if Peter heard anything they were saying. He hoped not.

“Noa wanted to give me some pictures he drew,” Rion said, lifting them up.

“Oh,” Peter said, passing him his coffee and Noa his tea. “Well, I hope you guys will come down at some point. We could play some GameCube or something. We could show you how things are coming along with our Animal Crossing and you could maybe give us pointers, Rion… You don’t have to stay up here the whole time.”

“Honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve hung around Noa’s room,” Rion said. “It’s kind of nostalgic.”

“I guess that’s fair,” Peter said, glancing between them. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about some stuff, Rion.”

“You did?” Rion said, blowing on his coffee and taking a sip. It was perfect. “What about?”

“A few things,” Peter said. “Bad news first before I start, I guess… I told Jesse and Celeste about the bracelets.”

Rion cringed. Well, at least Peter had implied he might tell the others during their last conversation with Danny. Rion hated it but he couldn’t feel betrayed. At least he’d been prepared for it.

That didn’t mean he liked it.

“They know I wrecked my bracelet?” Noa asked.

“Yes,” Peter said. “They know. Celeste is going to tell Sarina.”

“No!” Rion said, jolting so hard he nearly spilt his coffee. “Why? Peter–!”

“It needs to happen. She deserves to know,” Peter said, crossing his arms. “You’re not going to make me feel bad about it.”

“If she comes after Noa…” Rion began.

“We’ll take care of her,” Peter said. “I had a long talk with Danny, Jesse, and Celeste. We’re in this together. We’re going to help work all of this out. I know you don’t like it, but we’re determined to help.”

Rion grimaced and stared down into his coffee. He was gripping the mug too hard. His hands were shaking but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the intense grip, the heat, or his flaring emotions.

He didn’t want Sarina to know. He didn’t want to see how she would react. He didn’t want her to do anything different from what she was doing.

Yes, her attacks hurt. But he deserved it. He didn’t want her to become unpredictable and hurt him worse or change targets and go after Noa…

“Good,” Noa said.

“Good?” Rion repeated, looking up at him incredulously.

Noa nodded. “I think it’s good. Sarina can be mad at me now. I wrecked my bracelet so it makes sense.”

“That is not okay,” Rion said to him.

“She’s not touching you,” Peter said to Noa. “Listen, we’re putting a lot of work into stopping any more violence. If Sarina acts up, we’re calling the police.”

“What?” Rion said, whipping his head around. “No… Listen, that’s not–”

“She could kill you,” Peter said sternly, leaving no room for argument. “And even if it was an accident, I couldn’t live with that.”

Rion opened his mouth and then closed it tight. The words died on his tongue.

Die. He could die.

Rion had never thought of it that way before. He’d never thought about what would happen if Sarina took things too far.

“It’s that bad?” Noa said, eyes darting between them.

“Yes,” Peter said. “It’s that bad. You should see Rion’s bruises.”

Rion shot him a dirty look. “I know it’s healing, but everyone’s seen my black eye.”

“I’m talking about what you’re hiding under that shirt,” Peter said. “If Sarina and her friends treated anyone else the way they treat you, what would you do, Rion? You wouldn’t shrug it off and say that it’s fine, would you?”

“No,” Rion ground out.

“Good. So let us help you,” Peter said.

“I… Fine,” Rion said. “Whatever. If you’re not going to get off my back about it, then fine.”

“I want to help too,” Noa said.

Peter flashed him a smile. “I was hoping you would say that… We all wanted to get together and hang out with you, Rion. We talked about some dates. This weekend will work, but if not, there’s some days next week. Maybe not Monday, if Noa’s joining us. He has appointments on Mondays.”

“Tomorrow morning,” Rion said challengingly, hoping that the short notice would be a problem.

“Tomorrow morning it is,” Peter said to his dismay. “Thanks for agreeing.”

Rion huffed and took a long sip of coffee. “So that was all you wanted to ask me?”

“Not exactly,” Peter said. “I have a suggestion.”

Well, a suggestion was better than a demand. Rion shrugged.

“Okay. What is it?”

“I think it would be a good idea to consider seeing someone; like a therapist or a psychologist,” Peter said.

That was not at all what Rion thought Peter might say. He stared at him for a long time, blinking.

“You think I should…what?” he repeated.

“Noa’s been seeing someone since he came to stay with us,” Peter said, “but you haven’t seen anyone, have you? I think you should consider it. I don’t mind talking to your dad for you, if you’re worried about what he might say or think.”

“You think I’m crazy?” Rion asked.

“No. I think you need help. Like Noa,” Peter said. “Do you think he’s crazy?”

“No. Never,” Rion said.

“Sometimes I feel crazy,” Noa spoke up.

They both turned at the unexpected remark.

“…Noa?” Peter said.

Noa opened his mouth then closed it, narrowing his eyes. He took a minute to respond, considering his words.

“I like Dr. Maes,” he finally said. “It can be hard to find a someone that you feel okay talking to and sometimes nothing works. I know there are things wrong with me, but I don’t want to talk about it. It can feel gross and scary. So…therapy can be good or bad.”

Peter was looking stunned, like he hadn’t heard his cousin speak that much in years. The topic was a pretty serious one too and, honestly, it was throwing Rion for a bit of a loop too.

“Do you think I should do it then? Or not?” Rion asked.

Noa shrugged. “It’s up to you. It might be hard and it might not help. But it might be good too. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

Rion considered it. That didn’t really help him decide, but he felt better hearing Noa’s opinion. Noa was telling him what he knew based on his own experiences and it was the truth. It made him willing to consider it.

“I’ll think about it,” Rion finally said.

“Thank you. That’s all I’m asking,” Peter said, turning back to him. “No one can force you to go. You’re almost eighteen. You’re pretty much an adult now so you have to consider these things yourself.”

It was an unexpected acknowledgement and Rion appreciated it. Of course, he’d heard similar things before, but it was usually a toss up between ‘you’re too young to do that!’ and ‘you’re almost an adult so you need to be responsible!’ Rion had never heard anyone tell him his decisions were his own, and… It was really nice. Especially coming from Peter.

“Yeah. Thanks,” Rion said. “I just… I don’t know. There’s a lot going on.”

“I know. That’s why we want to help you,” Peter said. “We want to be friends again, like we used to. Things are different now, but I think we can do it.”

“Maybe,” Rion said.

But honestly, he just wanted to reconnect with Noa. Wouldn’t it be a bad thing to reconnect with the others? Then again, Rion did feel closer to Danny and Peter again…

“I want to know more about what’s going on,” Noa spoke up. “I want to know more about this stuff with Sarina.”

“There isn’t much to say,” Rion told him. “She’s a jerk.”

“And she hurt you,” Noa said. “Peter says you have more bruises.”

“They’re not that bad. They’re going away,” Rion said.

“Bruises are always bad,” Noa said. “If Sarina is hurting you, then I hate her.”

He said it with finality. Rion opened his mouth to argue but closed it right away.

This wasn’t like Danny, who rejected Sarina despite being her friend for years. Noa was rejecting Sarina because he took issue with any bully or abuser. He’d always been like that. And there was no question that the attitude came from his experience with his bad home life as a kid. There was no arguing with him about it.

“I don’t want you to hate her,” Rion said after a brief pause, “but I understand how you feel.”

“She bruised you,” Noa said. “You shouldn’t be treated like that! That should never happen!”

With Peter in the room, Rion couldn’t argue. But his tongue curled in his mouth. He hated how Noa jumped to his defence.

He did deserve to get beaten by Sarina. Because he was a liar. He was awful. He ruined everything that he touched. How could Noa of all people not see it? He knew. He had to know. There were no secrets between them.

“No one deserves to be hurt,” Peter said. “And none of us are impressed with Sarina right now.”

“I guess,” Rion said. “I just… I don’t know. Forget about it. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Well… We got the important stuff out of the way,” Peter said. “Why don’t we head downstairs and hang out down there. Mom and Dad would like to visit with you for a bit, Rion.”

Rion hesitated and then let out a breath.

“Okay. I don’t mind. Your parents are cool,” he said.

Noa nodded, though he looked reluctant. “Okay. Fine.”

Chapter 30 – Rion

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Rion had a good time the other day with Noa.

There was still some tension because of their conversation about the friendship bracelet and Sarina. Still, Rion enjoyed the rest of his time playing games with Noa and Peter. He even talked with Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. It was nostalgic.

Rion hadn’t realized how much he missed it. He knew he missed Noa every day, but being there at the Murphys’… It wasn’t quite the same without Amber, but it was nice. Rion felt a sense of belonging, of rightness, that he couldn’t put into proper words.

He had relaxed so much that, before he knew it, time had flown by and he needed to head home. The Murphys told him he could sleep over, but he wanted to get ready for the get-together tomorrow morning. So he had said his goodbyes and headed out.

And then his dad had been there when he got home. They’d both surprised each other, but it was a pleasant surprise. They shared a rare evening where they had supper and watched TV together. It made the day even better and Rion turned in for the night feeling relaxed, falling into a dreamless sleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, his dad was already gone when he came down for breakfast. The house felt too empty and those warm feelings from yesterday dimmed. Rion grabbed one of his dad’s coats and headed out, not wanting to be home alone stewing in his thoughts in the heavy silence of the house.

Peter called everyone up last night to make plans and they all agreed to meet up at the park. Rion was there early so he stuffed his hands in his pockets and sat in one of the old swings, rocking himself with his feet.

The air was taking on a cold, winter chill. Most of the leaves had already fallen and Rion had seen traces of frost in the shade on his walk over. It would probably snow before his birthday this year.

Speaking of birthdays, Jesse’s was coming up. Rion remembered that it was at the end of September. If they were all going to start hanging out again, Rion realized he should start thinking about presents…

While Rion was musing to himself, Peter showed up. He didn’t come alone either. Noa was trailing behind him, curling into his scarf and jacket. He perked up when he saw Rion. Noa waved. Rion waved back.

“Hey,” he said when they came over.

“Good morning,” Peter said. “Kinda chilly out. Winter’s on its way.”

“Yeah. But it’s not too bad,” Rion said. “We could all head back to my place if it’s too cold. There’s snacks and stuff and Dad’s not home.”

“I would like to see your game collection but…we’ll see,” Peter said. “Let’s wait for everyone else before we decide anything.”

Noa sat on the swing next to Rion and pulled a Game Boy Advance out of his pocket. He flicked it on, kicking his feet as he tapped away at the buttons before holding it out to Rion.

“Check out my team,” he said.

Rion accepted the GBA and found himself browsing through Noa’s copy of Pokémon Ruby.

“Gardevoir. Nice. I have one too,” Rion said, flashing Noa a smile. “I nicknamed mine Solace after your character from our comic. It seemed to fit.”

Noa smiled. It was that familiar, small, flattered smile that Rion hadn’t seen in years.

He had really missed those micro expressions of Noa’s. Sometimes, he felt like he was the only person who could read Noa. He wasn’t super expressive and people misunderstood him when he was being more reserved.

“I don’t do nicknames,” Noa said. “If I name one, I have to name them all.”

“Yeah. I feel the same,” Rion said. “But naming them is kind of fun.”

“You’ve beat the game, right?” Noa asked.

“Oh yeah,” Rion said. “It’s great. I mean, I wasn’t a fan of all the surfing and diving or the big storm that happens near the end, but I still liked the story and all the new Pokémon. The secret base stuff is cool. It’s just too bad that I don’t have anyone to trade with or whatever. I’d almost like to start my game over.”

He handed the GBA back to Noa, who flicked it off.

“I have Sapphire and a Game Link Cable,” Peter said. “We could trade with you if you want.”

“That would be really cool, actually,” Rion said to him. “I’d appreciate that. I have Yellow, Gold, Crystal, and Ruby. And I have a Game Link Cable and my old Game Boys so I can trade between games. But since Ruby is the only new game that I have, I can’t really trade the new Pokémon.”

“I’m so jealous,” Peter said. “Being able to trade with yourself…”

“You say that but it’s kind of lonely,” Rion said with a little laugh. “I’d rather have more people to play with.”

“Well, you’ve got me and Noa,” Peter told him. “Noa’s pretty good when it comes to games. Don’t take him too lightly.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Rion said.

The others began to arrive as they were talking. Danny was first, but not far behind him was Jesse.

“Hey, guys!” Danny said with an enthusiastic wave. “Morning!”

They smiled and waved back, but Rion began to shrink down. He was in a pretty good mood until he started thinking about why they were all here. The fact that everyone knew about the bracelets now… He began to feel unsure about everything.

“Oh! Hey, Noa!” Jesse said when he and Danny joined them. “It’s good to see you. It’s great that you could join us.”

“Hello, Jesse,” Noa said.

His tone was different. Rion glanced over and found that Noa looked closed off and distant, sitting stiff in the swing seat. His Game Boy was back in his pocket and his hands were firmly gripping the swing.

Rion wasn’t the only person who was uncomfortable, it seemed.

“Yeah, it’s great that you could come,” Danny added. “It’s good to get some fresh air, right?”

Noa shrugged and glanced down at his feet, scuffing at the cold dirt. It was a completely different reaction from before.

“We were just talking about Pokémon,” Rion said. “Noa was showing me his team.”

“Nice!” Danny said. “I haven’t played anything like that in ages. You know, Josh took our N64 when he moved out? Apparently, Dad said he could have it and I’m so annoyed. Ocarina of Time belonged to me, and he took it!”

Danny let out a frustrated huff and Rion smiled sympathetically.

“If you want to play Zelda, you can come over to my place,” he offered.

“Thanks, Rion, but it’s not the same,” he sighed. “You don’t get it, being an only child. It sucks when your brothers steal your stuff.”

“I’d say he probably didn’t mean to take it…but he absolutely did,” Peter said. “I bet he didn’t mention anything to you until he was moved out, right?”

“He didn’t mention anything at all!” Danny said. “Nate was pissed too because Josh took his Star Fox. He packed up all the games with the console and we didn’t find out what happened until we were looking for it and asked Dad if he knew where everything was. And you know what Josh said when we called him up? ‘Looks like you guys will just have to visit me if you want to play your old games!’ What a dick…”

“Sounds like he just wants you to visit him,” Jesse said.

“No. Nope. He’s a dick,” Danny said.

At that moment, Celeste arrived. She waved at them, hurrying over.

“Hi!” she said, cheeks rosy. She had either forgotten or chosen to not wear a scarf. “It’s pretty brisk this morning, isn’t it?”

Rion looked away. He wondered if she’d had time to tell Sarina about the bracelets. Probably not, right? But if she had…

Wait. If Celeste hadn’t told Sarina yet, then maybe he could convince her to keep quiet. Probably not, but…

“Winter’s on the way for sure,” Danny said. “Seems kind of early.”

“Not really,” Peter said. “Late September is when it usually starts to get cold.”

“I’d like a few more weeks of warm weather, personally,” Danny said. “Like, no snow until after Halloween.”

“Well, either way…” Peter began with a small shrug, “…what now? Do we want to head out for a coffee or hang around here…?”

“We could go to my place,” Rion said. “I already offered, but Peter wanted to wait until everyone got here before we agreed on anything. I have snacks and stuff so it would be fine.”

“Oh, that would be cool!” Danny said, brightening. “I like that idea.”

“Would it really be okay?” Celeste asked. “We wouldn’t want to impose or anything.”

“I wouldn’t offer if it bothered me,” Rion said. “I don’t mind.”

“I’d like to go over to Rion’s,” Noa said.

“Sounds like everyone’s in agreement,” Jesse said. “Why don’t we go?”

“All right then,” Peter said.

Rion got to his feet and Noa did the same. They all started walking together, everyone chatting as they went.

Rion was sure he’d never had everyone over at once like this. Noa had been a regular guest, but Danny and Peter had only come over a few times. Jesse might have stopped by once or twice, but Rion was sure Celeste had never visited. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, but she had been Amber’s friend and she was older than him. It would have been weird to have her over.

The walk was pretty short and soon Rion was showing them inside. They took off their shoes and outerwear and came into the living room.

“So, we have chips and pop and…pretty much whatever,” Rion said.

“We should maybe start with some hot drinks,” Peter said. “Want some help, Rion?”

“Sure.”

He asked everyone what they wanted. Peter helped him get drinks and snacks ready, but the others ended up joining them in the kitchen anyway. Noa hovered close to Rion the entire time and he almost bumped into him twice.

Finally, they piled into the living room together, snacks and drinks on the coffee table, everyone getting comfortable and picking out seats.

“So, what do you guys want to do?” Danny asked.

“We could watch TV or put on a movie…” Rion said, but he could see Peter eyeing up all the games with a hawkeyed look. “Or we could play some games.”

“I’m not big into games but I would be happy to watch you play,” Celeste said.

“Maybe,” Peter said. “Wow, Rion. You really have a lot. Danny wasn’t kidding.”

“There’s some multiplayer ones,” Jesse said, looking over their options.

“Yeah. There’s lots of choices,” Rion said. “Whatever you guys want.”

“We could just talk for a bit too,” Danny suggested. “I mean, it’s been a while since we all caught up, right?”

“Yeah,” Peter said, tearing his eyes away from the games. “Actually, that might be a good idea. There’s stuff to talk about.”

Rion sat down in his dad’s chair, sinking into it. He picked at the armrests, dreading what was coming next. After his talk with Danny and Peter, Rion was sure he already knew where this was going.

“Yeah…um… Rion, Peter told us what really happened. With the friendship bracelets,” Jesse said.

And there it was. Rion wished he could vanish into the chair entirely.

“Yeah?” he said.

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I’m…really sorry about everything that happened.”

“Me too,” Celeste said. “Rion, we… I’m really sorry.”

Rion shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t be. It’s fine. I get it. It was years ago. It doesn’t matter.”

“It was my fault.”

Noa had spoken up. He was sitting in the seat nearest to Rion, the one on the edge of the couch. He was tense, back stiff, hands balled up into fists in his lap.

“I cut up my bracelet,” Noa said. “Rion didn’t do anything wrong. He was lying to protect me.”

Rion bit the inside of his cheek, desperately wanting to contradict the statement. But there wasn’t any point. He couldn’t do anything about it. Everyone knew the truth.

“I don’t understand why you did it,” Jesse said, looking away and rubbing his arm. He looked distinctly uncomfortable. “But… It’s said and done. It was a long time ago.”

“That’s right,” Celeste added. “It was a long time ago, and…it’s not like we can fix it. There’s no point in being upset anymore.”

Rion doubted every word, even though they sounded sincere. He was more focused on Noa and his reaction.

Noa didn’t look happy. There was a small line of tension in his jaw; one Rion was familiar with. He knew that look all too well. It was one of frustration, something that could easily turn into full blown anger.

“I understand if you’re upset,” Noa said. “You should be.”

“No, Noa,” Danny said. “You were just feeling a lot, right? We all were. Amber’s death… That was really hard on everyone.”

“But I destroyed something that Amber made,” Noa said. “And I hurt Rion.”

Rion felt a sliver of fear pierce through his insides.

“No, you didn’t,” he said. “You didn’t hurt me.”

Noa shook his head. “You tried to save the bracelet and I stabbed you and then told you I didn’t want you around. I yelled at you, and… It was bad.”

Now everyone’s focus was on them. The pause, the hesitation was deafening.

“Wait. Noa, you stabbed Rion?” Peter said in disbelief.

“No!” Rion said quickly. “It was… It was just a little cut. He had the scissors in his hand. I butted in. It was nothing, just a small nick. It was an accident.”

“I still hurt you,” Noa said.

“I was the stupid one grabbing at the bracelet when you were cutting it up with scissors,” Rion hissed through his teeth and then tried to ease up on his tone. “That wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

“You were bleeding,” Noa said. “I had to get you one of those big Band-Aids.”

“I remember that!” Danny said suddenly. “At Amber’s funeral! You had one of those big square ones on the back of your hand and it’d bled through. I asked you about it, Rion. Remember? I was worried…”

Rion remembered, but he would rather ignore the remark entirely. Noa was making everything impossible to deny and it was frustrating. Part of him wished Noa would keep his mouth shut and another part of him hated that he wanted that at all. He couldn’t control Noa and he should be free to speak his mind…

“Look,” Rion said, raising the backs of his hands to show them. “No scars. It was just a little cut and it went away in no time. I was being stupid and hurt myself. I should have known better.”

“But it was still my fault,” Noa said.

“Would you please stop blaming yourself?” Rion snapped at him.

“Okay… Okay, let’s cool down,” Jesse said, raising his hands.

“Yes,” Peter was quick to agree. “It sounds like it was an accident… There was a lot going on back then.”

“I was a dumb kid. That’s all there is to it,” Rion said.

Noa flashed him a look, lips pressed firmly together and his brows drawn tight. He was upset with him and Rion was fine with that.

Noa could be as mad as he wanted. Rion would still do everything he could to protect him. Noa could hate him as long as he stayed safe.

“Either way, what’s done is done,” Peter said. “Noa wrecked his bracelet. Rion was trying to protect him. That much is all clear and out in the open now.”

“Honestly, I’d rather just forget about it,” Celeste said. “Things were really hard back then. I know I did stupid things. We were all kids and we were all upset.”

“Yeah. Celeste is right,” Danny chipped in. “Things happened and a lot of it sucked. I know I was really upset back then. I did stupid stuff and argued with my family a lot. But, you know, we worked things out and forgave each other and…I think we should all do that too.”

“I forgive Noa,” Rion was eager to say. “Everything that happened back then… It was really hard. And that bracelet is still causing us problems so maybe he was right to cut it up.”

That earned him some looks but he didn’t care. It was true. He’d had more than enough of this friendship bracelet drama.

“I forgive Rion,” Noa added, but he sounded unhappy with the words, “because nothing was his fault and he was just being a good friend.”

“Well, that’s… That’s good,” Peter said. He was glancing between them as if he knew something was missing.

“I forgive you both too,” Jesse said.

“Same here,” Celeste added. “There was a lot going on back then. We should put it all behind us.”

“Yeah,” Danny said, smiling. “We should all be friends again, you know? Things are way different now that we’re older. Times have changed and things are a lot better than they used to be…right?”

“Right,” Peter agreed. “I think it’s a good idea. I want to reconnect, as long as everyone is willing.”

Rion knew he was meant to agree. And he wanted to. He wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. He wanted to spend time with the others again and for things to be good.

But too much had changed. He’d done so many things wrong and he’d lied and lied and lied. He was still lying. Amber was gone and for six years everyone had either abandoned him or turned on him because of the friendship bracelets. His best friend didn’t even want him around until now.

Rion had been alone for so long. The idea of everything working out… It seemed impossible.

He turned to Noa and he could tell he was thinking the same thing. His eyes were downcast, his lips twisted in bitterness.

“I want things to work out,” Rion said, turning back to Danny and the others. “But a lot has changed. I don’t know if it’s possible.”

“You don’t have to know if things will work out,” Danny said. “You just have to be willing to try.”

It sounded too optimistic to Rion. He felt obligated to nod, some small part of him wanting Danny to be right, but he didn’t agree.

“Okay,” Noa said, but his tone was flat, his expression unimpressed.

“Guys! Why do you look so defeated?” Danny said. “Come on! This is a good thing.”

“I’m in,” Jesse said. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“Me too,” Celeste added. “I want it to work out. I mean…it won’t be the same without Sarina, but… I want to reconnect with all of you. I miss Amber and all of you knew her and miss her too. We have that in common, and…other people don’t understand.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Yeah, I know what you mean. That’s a really good way of putting it.”

Oh, but it wasn’t the same at all. Looking around the room, Rion could tell that there was a big disconnect between how everyone felt compared to how he and Noa felt. And he knew – he was absolutely sure – that it was because he and Noa had been there when Amber died.

They were there that day. Everything that happened back then, that nightmare… It was as fresh as if it happened yesterday. Thinking about it brought back every thought and feeling and that pounding fear…

Things would never be the same again. Rion and Noa would never connect with the others the same way again.

But he couldn’t say that.

It made him feel even more like a liar. He was completely dishonest at his core. But he didn’t want to snuff out their hope. And what could he do about it, really?

There wasn’t a right answer and Rion was exhausted.

“Yeah. Sure,” Rion found himself saying, the words coming out of him. They felt hollow and meaningless. “Um…since we’re talking about this… Can I add something?”

“What is it?” Peter said.

He shouldn’t be asking this in front of everyone. But Rion didn’t want to wait until a good moment. He didn’t have the energy to look for opportunities anymore and he didn’t know how long they would all be hanging out. He needed to make it through the day so it was better to ask and get it over with.

“Celeste, have you told Sarina about the bracelets yet?” he asked.

“No,” she admitted. “I was going to make plans to see her, but we haven’t talked yet.”

“Don’t tell her,” Rion said. “Please. Just leave her out of this.”

“That’s not a good idea,” Peter said right away.

“Yeah, I already know what you think,” Rion said, trying not to sound bitter. He knew he failed. “Look, I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to get upset with Noa. If we’re really going to be friends again and try to work this out…can’t we all forget about Sarina and leave her out of the loop?”

“Nuh uh. No way,” Danny said, crossing his arms. “That’s a bad idea. Sarina needs to know the truth. She’s going to find out anyway.”

“We already talked a bit about Sarina,” Jesse added. “We aren’t going to let her do whatever she wants. She’s not going to hurt Noa.”

“You can’t know that,” Rion said.

“I’m okay with her knowing the truth,” Noa said. “Actually, I want her to know. If she’s mad, that’s okay. I don’t care if she hurts me.”

“She’s not going to hurt you,” Peter said. “We’re not going to let her.”

“I don’t think she would hurt Noa,” Celeste spoke up, raising her hand as if she was worried about her voice getting lost in the discussion. “I mean…she’s had a crush on him since they were kids.”

There was a pause. Everyone stared at her.

“She what?” Noa said, horror creeping into his voice.

“It…wasn’t obvious?” Celeste said, glancing around.

“I… Well… Yeah,” Danny said, glancing away. “Kind of… Well, Mom clued me in because she made comments, but… Yeah.”

“She did?” Jesse said. “I never… That explains a lot, actually.”

“I had no idea,” Peter said, blinking. “Really?”

Rion raised a hand too, waving a little. “I knew.”

He hadn’t figured it out right away, but it clicked over time. There was something about the way Sarina talked about Noa, even after he’d stopped coming to school. She was weird about him and somehow, Rion had pieced it together.

It made sense, kind of. Rion thought it was gross and creepy and hoped it was a shallow crush. He’d assumed it would disappear if she learned something about Noa that she didn’t like.

“No,” Noa said firmly. “That’s… No. Never. She hurt my best friend. I hate her. That’s disgusting.”

“I’d say you shouldn’t be so mean, but…” Peter fumbled, trying to find the right words. “All things considered; I can’t blame you for reacting that way.”

“Just because Sarina has a crush on Noa doesn’t mean she wouldn’t hurt him,” Rion said, trying to keep them on track. “It doesn’t mean anything. She barely sees Noa. She doesn’t even know him. If she had a reason to turn on him, I think she would.”

“I disagree,” Celeste said, voice small. But she stuck by her opinion. “She’s always really liked Noa. I think she would forgive him for wrecking his bracelet.”

“Would she really, though?” Danny asked.

“Girls go easier on boys they like,” Celeste said. “I mean, it’s hard to be angry at your crush, right? I don’t think she’d hurt Noa. She might even feel bad about hurting Rion because she was wrong… So, I think I have to tell her the truth.”

And there was Rion’s last chance – slipping between his fingers. All because Sarina had a crush on Noa.

He wanted to cry.

“But if you’re wrong…” Rion said.

“If I’m wrong, we’ll all protect Noa together,” Celeste said, turning to the others for support. “Right?”

“Right,” Jesse said. “If we have to call the police on her, we’ll even go that far. We all agreed.”

Rion opened his mouth and then closed it. He looked down, defeated.

That was it. His last chance. It was gone.

“I’m happy with that,” Noa said. “I want Sarina to know.”

“Then we’re pretty much all in agreement,” Danny said.

“I’m sorry, Rion. But this is for the best,” Peter said. “Sarina is bound to find out. The sooner it happens, the better.”

“I hope you’re right,” was all Rion could say.

Chapter 31 – Celeste

Monday, September 20, 2004

Celeste made plans to meet Sarina and Monique for coffee on Monday after school.

She was nervous and she hated it. There was no reason for Celeste to be scared, but she couldn't stop imagining how Sarina might react. And then she thought about how Rion asked her not to say anything to Sarina and how worried he’d looked…

Celeste agreed with Peter and the others. She knew that someone had to tell Sarina the truth. Rion was scared for Noa, but Celeste was sure that Sarina wouldn’t ever hurt him.

Sarina had a huge crush on Noa growing up. He would be safe. And maybe once Sarina knew the truth, she would be able to understand that what she was doing to Rion was wrong. Something good might come of it.

They met at the hotel. Monique and Sarina were already there when Celeste arrived. All three of them ordered coffee.

“Monique almost didn’t come,” Sarina complained to Celeste as soon as they were all comfortably seated. “She was all ‘sounds boring to me’. I almost had to beg.”

“It does sound boring,” Monique said. “There’s so many things we could be doing other than having coffee. Like setting fireworks off behind the school.”

“You probably shouldn’t do that,” Celeste said, glancing between them, wondering if Monique was serious. “You could get in trouble.”

“Trouble is fun,” Monique said, “most of the time.”

“Well, we’re hanging out and that’s what matters, right?” Sarina said. “It would be nice if Jolie could come too, but…I get it. You guys have family stuff going on.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you invited her,” Celeste said. “But I don’t think she would be happy to see me. It would be awkward.”

“Yeah. I get that,” Sarina said. “So, are we just hanging out? You sounded weird over the phone. And you mentioned that you had something to tell me.”

Celeste hesitated. She wasn’t sure she wanted to dive into the topic of the friendship bracelets just yet. She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to think of what to say. Maybe she should address the bullying first?

“Um… Peter said some things,” Celeste began. “He said that you, Eric, and Kyle… He caught you guys attacking Rion. Is that true?”

Monique groaned. “Oh my God, Sarina. Again?”

“Shut up,” Sarina snapped at her, obviously annoyed at being called out. “We didn’t attack Rion. We ran into him on our way home from school and he was a dick to us. We started arguing, that’s all. No one did anything to Rion.”

“Peter said you were calling him names…like fag and queer,” Celeste said. She shrank down as she spoke, her voice growing small. Her heart was straining in her chest, but she knew she couldn’t gloss over this. “Peter said that when Rion talked back, Eric looked like he was going to punch him in the face. You’re saying…that didn’t happen?”

Sarina flushed a dark shade of red and Monique was rolling her eyes, as if she’d heard this story a million things before.

“That was between Eric and Rion,” Sarina said. “I didn’t call Rion any of that stuff. That’s all bullshit guy talk. And Rion said the same things to Eric so it’s not like he’s innocent.”

“That’s not what Peter said,” Celeste told her.

Sarina threw up her hands. “Well, Peter fucking hates me! What do you expect?”

“Peter’s upset with you because he doesn’t like how you’re acting,” Celeste said. “Sarina, I want to be on your side, but didn’t we talk about this already? Didn’t you agree that things were maybe going too far? I thought… I thought we were on the same page.”

“I don’t control what Eric and Kyle do, okay?” Sarina said. “I was just hanging out with them. They were the ones who wanted to pick a fight. They’re dicks.”

“Sarina, don’t be so boring,” Monique told her. “We all know that you hang out with Eric and Kyle because they want to pick on Rion. There’s no other reason for you to hang out with them. They’re literally the worst assholes in the entire school and everyone hates them.”

“That’s not it!” Sarina hissed at her. “That’s not true at all! Why are you turning on me all of sudden?!”

“Because I’m tired of having to scream for a teacher like a goody-two-shoes every time Eric kicks Rion into the dirt,” Monique said. “It’s boring. It’s all so fucking boring. I miss when we used to actually do fun things. Not this stupid shit with Eric and Kyle. You’re always running around with them now. Even Jolie is sick of it and we all know how bad her taste is.”

“Is it my fault that Rion’s a dick?” Sarina said. “You’ve seen how he acts, Monique! You’ve heard the shit he says!”

“Rion could say ‘hi’ to you and you’d twist it around into an insult,” Monique huffed. “Leave me out of your boring shit.”

Celeste sat, eyes darting back and forth as she sipped at her coffee, watching the argument play out. She’d never seen Monique argue about anything before. She was really shy when she was little and she’d grown up to be cool and indifferent, not seeming to care about anything. Celeste was a little jealous, since it was something she struggled to overcome. She had no idea how Monique did it.

But Monique didn’t seem so bad. Especially with how she presented her arguments against Sarina. She seemed to be on Celeste’s side. It was amazing. Maybe Sarina would be easier to convince if Monique was calling her out too.

“Fine. Whatever,” Sarina huffed and turned back to Celeste. “So, is that why you came here? To shit on me and defend Rion? Because if that’s the case, I think we’re done here.”

“There’s something else,” Celeste said. “Um… Peter found something out. About Noa and Rion.”

Talking about it still made her squirm. She was uncomfortable. She didn’t want to say anything. But Sarina needed to know. She had to tell her.

“Noa and Rion?” Sarina repeated. “What, did something happen?”

“Kind of…” Celeste said. She hesitated again, before coming out with it. “Rion didn’t wreck his friendship bracelet. It was Noa.”

Sarina stared at her, frozen for a moment. It took a bit to process the words and understand what was being said.

“Rion… What? No,” Sarina said. “That can’t be… No. That doesn’t make any sense.”

Celeste took a small breath before filling in the details. “Apparently…Noa was upset and he cut up his bracelet. Rion took it from him, and… Noa even hurt him accidentally. Rion was keeping the wrecked bracelet for him. That’s when you found it and thought it was his. But Rion still has his bracelet. I mean, I haven’t seen it yet, but I don’t need to. Noa told us the truth himself.”

“That…but…. No,” Sarina said, still struggling with the concept. Her eyes were too wide. “No, that can’t… That can’t be right. That’s… It was in Rion’s room. I didn’t see his bracelet on his wrist. I thought… It had to be…”

“You made a mistake,” Celeste said. “Noa admitted to everything and Rion did too. Peter found both bracelets. The truth is that after you accused Rion, he lied to protect Noa.”

“Protect… What?” Sarina said. “I would never hurt Noa! If Noa did it… I mean, we all know how he is. Noa was hurt and upset and… Noa wasn’t okay! Of course I would have forgiven him. It was different with Rion because he’s always been a massive dick!”

“But Rion was never like that,” Celeste said. “He didn’t do anything wrong. You… Just think about it for a second, Sarina.”

“I am!” she said. “But it doesn’t… It doesn’t make sense! Why would Rion… Noa didn’t say anything before!”

“I’m not sure he even knew about Rion and the bracelets,” Celeste said. “Sarina…”

She trailed off when Monique let out a snort of laughter. They both turned to her and Monique put a hand over her mouth, turning her head away.

“What the fuck, Monique! It isn’t funny!” Sarina snapped.

“It’s super fucking funny,” Monique said and had to pause to muffle another giggle. “You’ve been treating Rion like shit and this whole time he’s been playing white knight, protecting your crush from you! Oh god, that’s hilarious!”

Sarina blushed a deep shade of red in shame. She gave Monique a light punch to the shoulder to show her frustration but that just made Monique giggle even harder, hiding her face with both hands.

“I fucking hate you,” Sarina said and turned back to Celeste. “Okay. Fine. Fucking… That just means Rion is a liar, which I already knew.”

Celeste stared at her in disbelief. “You don’t even feel a little bit bad that–”

“Of course I do!” Sarina said, blushing an even deeper shade of red. “I fucked up! I should have known something was up when Rion went along with things. He’s a liar and a dick and… I mean, okay, he didn’t wreck the stupid bracelet. But he’s still been a total asshole for years! That didn’t change.”

“Sarina, he’s been that way because he was protecting Noa,” Celeste said. “He really, really thought you were going to hurt him! He was almost begging us to keep the truth from you because he was afraid about what would happen! And now even Peter doesn’t want you around Noa. Everyone…everyone has agreed to call the police on you if you keep bullying people.”

It was a shock to Sarina. She sat back, wide eyed.

“I… You can’t call the cops on me!” she said. “I haven’t done anything!”

“According to Peter, Rion’s got bruises all over from you and your friends,” Celeste said, wanting to make the gravity of the situation clear. “He’s scared you’ll kill Rion accidentally! This is really, really serious and you have to start caring! I want to be your friend but I can’t if you really think it’s okay to beat Rion up!”

Celeste realized belatedly that she’d lost her cool. Sarina was staring at her wide-eyed and even Monique had stopped giggling to stare at her. She could feel the heat rising to her face but she didn’t regret what she said. All of it was true.

“It…it’s not that bad, though,” Sarina stammered. “It’s not… It’s really not that bad. Rion… He does things too, and… I don’t want to get arrested or some shit! I turn eighteen in December and Eric is already… He could go to actual jail!”

“If he’s going around and beating people up, maybe he deserves to go to jail,” Celeste said, but she looked away.

Her eyes were stinging. She was getting too emotional.

“Oh…oh, yes please…” Monique said, breathless. “I’d love it if Eric went to jail. That would be perfect.”

“Oh my god, it wouldn’t,” Sarina hissed at her.

“It totally would,” Monique said. “He really does deserve it. Celeste is right. Eric is a retarded douchebag who’s always doing dumb shit. Nobody likes him because he’s a huge fucking asshole. Jail might smarten him up.”

“That’s… I… I don’t know,” Sarina said. “This is… I want to hear it from Noa. I want to hear it from him that he did it. None of us can believe Rion…”

“No one is letting you near Noa,” Celeste said. “Peter is even going to tell his parents what happened. Everyone is really upset. This got way out of hand, Sarina.”

“But it’s not even that bad,” Sarina said. “It’s not… It’s not like that. I… Rion did stuff too…”

“If you really believe that then maybe Danny was right,” Celeste said. “Maybe we can’t be friends.”

She felt mean saying it, but it was true. Celeste hated the way Sarina was talking and she hated how dismissive she was.

“No! No, I want to be your friend!” Sarina said. “I… You know what? I need time. I need to think about things. I just… I don’t even know what to think. This is all fucked up.”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “If you need time…okay. I can understand that. Please think about it, Sarina. Really think about what you’re doing.”

“Okay,” Sarina said, but she seemed lost as she said it. “Okay, I’ll try.”

Chapter 32 – Danny

Saturday, September 19, 1998

Danny didn’t know that emotional pain could feel tangible and physical. Not until Amber died. Not until the day of her funeral.

Danny had heard people talk about heartache before, usually when talking about couples breaking up. He thought it was just a saying, just metaphorical. Being heartbroken, having heartache – it sounded like it just meant that you felt really sad.

But the only word he had for the pain in his chest was heartache. What else could he call it? His heart was literally aching, squeezed tight, a painful lump inside him. The pain in his chest persisted alongside the sick, agonizing sadness that lasted throughout the day.

The funeral itself was beautiful.

Despite being late September, all the trees bare of leaves, the weather was dry and warm. The sun was out in full strength, shining bright, and there was a hint of a breeze in the air.

So many people came to pay respects. The whole town was there. The church had been packed during service and some people were even forced to stand outside. The graveyard had been full of people too. And everyone cried and shared tissues and…

Danny was lost.

The funeral washed over him. He knew he should be paying attention, but he couldn’t focus. His mind was everywhere at once.

He was afraid to look up and risk seeing a familiar face. He’d caught glimpses of people in the crowd and after spotting Jesse, who was painful to look at, Danny turned his gaze down.

There was so much needless driving around town. He was packed in the van with his entire family, somber and silent, no one saying anything other than a few odd comments. It was awkward from the drive to the graveyard, back into town, and then to the get-together at the town hall after.

Danny took the first opportunity he could to get away from his parents and brothers. There were refreshments and he was almost forced into the line by the flow of the crowd. He grabbed a juice and a cookie and then looked for a place outside, away from everyone else. He felt overwhelmed and he didn’t want to be around anyone else.

Danny was sad that Amber died. He missed her. It didn’t feel real that she was gone. And everything was happening so fast. Not even a month ago they were all supposed to hang out. It felt so wrong to have her funeral, and…

He was sad that he was moving away. He didn’t want to leave, he hadn’t to begin with, but now that Amber was dead? How was he supposed to finish packing his things and leave? Everything was happening here in Misty Meadows and this was where his friends were. He wanted to stay. He should be staying…

But he didn’t have a say in it. The move was already decided, the decision made before Amber even died. The old house was sold, the new house was bought.

Danny hated it.

Everything was wrong. It was like being in a nightmare except he couldn’t wake up. He wanted things to go back to normal and be good and happy like they used to.

Danny avoided everyone as he tried to find a place to sit. Celeste and her family, Sarina, Monique… He saw Mr. and Mrs. Warren and quickly looked away. He didn’t want his heart to do another painful lurch in his chest the way it had when he saw Jesse in tears, shaking, and–

There was a crowd around the Murphys making them easy to avoid. Danny had only gotten a glimpse, but they looked to be doing about as bad as Jesse.

Noa was the only one who wasn’t crying. His head was bowed, his shoulders slumped. He looked defeated. He was paler than normal, ashen, and he moved along with the Murphys like some kind of zombie.

Danny went to the edge of all the crowds, to the line of trees and bushes next to the hall. And that was where he found Rion, sitting by himself, knees hugged to his chest in the shade of a pine tree.

Danny hesitated. He didn’t want to hang out with anyone. He wanted to be on his own. But this was the only quiet spot he could find without going out of his way. Then again, Rion didn’t look like he wanted company either. So maybe it was fine? They could be alone together.

He shuffled over and sat down next to Rion, keeping a foot or two of distance between them. Rion didn’t say anything so Danny didn’t either. They sat together in silence.

Danny could see the whole gathering from here. Most people were standing outside, talking to each other. From here, there were a swarm of black figures. He tried not to focus on the other mourners, taking a small sip of his drink. It tasted like watered down SunnyD.

He wondered when this would be done and they could go home. It felt wrong to come here when they were moving away. Would his family even stay friends with everyone after the move? Would they call and write letters?

That would feel kind of wrong too, wouldn’t it? Who would he write to? What would he say? Danny couldn’t exactly write to Sarina and be like, ‘Hi! So, the city’s really cool! How have you been?’ Everything was so painful, and…

What was he supposed to do? He had no choice about moving and now he was going to have to change schools… Danny didn’t like that either. Was he going to have to make new friends? Did he want new friends? Danny liked it here with the people he knew. He didn’t want to leave and go somewhere totally unfamiliar with a bunch of strangers.

And Amber… She was gone. Even if he stayed, things wouldn’t be the same without her. Everything would change and it… It was all so wrong.

“…I’m sorry…”

Danny jolted hard enough to nearly spill his drink. Rion’s voice was small, barely above a whisper, but it startled him.

Danny turned to Rion and now that he was paying attention, he realized that Rion was crying. There were tears streaking his cheeks and his face was all splotchy. He looked almost as bad as Jesse, which was saying something.

Danny didn’t know if Rion was talking to him or talking aloud, but he blurted out, “Why are you sorry?”

Rion’s eyes narrowed in an attempt to hold back more tears, his lips quivering. Danny immediately regretted the question and set down his half-gone drink and uneaten cookie to search his pockets for extra tissues.

“Uh…here,” he said, handing an unopened plastic pack to Rion.

Rion accepted them, pulling the tissues out in a lump and burying his face into them. He scrubbed away his tears and blew his nose.

“Thanks,” Rion said, still clutching the tissues, curling in on himself further. He was a tense, tight, teary-eyed ball.

“No problem,” Danny said.

He wanted to ask if Rion was okay but that was a stupid question. Nothing was okay. Everyone was sad and crying. Danny had cried so much the past couple weeks that he didn’t think he had any tears left in him.

Instead, Danny took his cookie and held it out to Rion. “Want a cookie?”

“No,” Rion said.

“Me neither,” Danny said. “Want to split it then?”

“Why’d you take it if you don’t want it?”

“I don’t know. Felt like I had to, I guess.”

Danny split the cookie in two and offered Rion half. Rion accepted it, still sniffling. And then Danny saw the huge Band-Aid on the back of his hand. It was stained dark red.

“Whoa… Are you okay?” Danny asked. “Did you cut yourself?”

Rion drew his hand in protectively, along with the cookie.

“I… I don’t… It’s nothing,” he said. His breath hitched and he closed his eyes. “It was… It was an accident.”

“It’s bleeding through. Are you sure you’re okay?” Danny said. He’d never seen one of those big ones bleed through like that. It meant that Rion was cut really bad, didn’t it? “Are you sure it’s not that bad? Did you ask your dad?”

“He’s not here,” Rion said. “He had to work. I came with Noa.”

“Did the Murphys see it?” Danny asked. “It looks like it really hurts.”

“It’s fine,” Rion insisted.

Danny didn’t want to push it. Rion looked uncomfortable and if he was saying he was fine…maybe it was okay? But it gave Danny a weird feeling.

Against his better judgement, he decided to drop it. Rion fell silent too. They sat, nibbling on their shared halves of cookie. Even eating half a cookie was a challenge.

Now that they had talked, Danny felt like he had to keep talking. It was stupid, but he couldn’t shut himself up.

“So…why’re you sorry?” Danny asked again, even if it wasn’t about the injury on Rion’s hand. Even if Rion reacted really badly the first time he asked.

Rion was silent for a long time, gazing off at the other mourners. He looked like he was holding back more tears.

“Everything’s my fault,” he finally said in a tiny voice.

“What?” Danny said. “What do you mean?”

Rion looked down. His eyes were glassy and his tears were barely being held back by his eyelashes.

“I… I got into a fight with Noa this morning…” he said, smoothing out the Band-Aid on the back of his hand. “I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Danny said. “And Noa’s probably just upset because… Well, everyone’s upset. It’s normal.”

Or that’s what everyone was saying. ‘It’s normal to be upset.’ ‘It’s normal to be sad.’ And maybe it was normal, but it didn’t feel good at all. It was awful.

“He told me to go away and leave him alone,” Rion said, swallowing hard and looking down, more tears slipping free. He scrubbed at his face with the crumpled tissues. “I… I’m sorry. Everything’s my fault. I just… I feel so… I don’t want things to be this way. I hate it.”

“Me too,” Danny said. “I hate it too. It’s the worst.”

They fell silent again. Rion was still teary eyed, sniffling, and Danny felt awful.

And then, in a smaller voice, Rion said, “I don’t want you to go either. I don’t want you to move away.”

Danny instantly teared up.

He didn’t expect anyone to be thinking about him. He tried not to cry but his vision was swimming. So much for not having any tears left… He’d given the last of his tissues to Rion so there weren’t any more for him to use.

“Thanks,” Danny said, his voice wavering. “I mean… I mean, I don’t want to leave either, and…and, I… It really, really sucks.”

Rion leaned forward, pulling Danny into a hug. Danny immediately hugged Rion back, holding him tight. And then there was no holding back any of the tears.

The hug was weird and out of the blue, but Danny didn’t care. Rion understood and it was such a relief. Danny was overwhelmed, hanging onto Rion, squeezing him tight while both of them sniffled and hiccupped.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry,” Rion mumbled into his shoulder, hands twisting tight in Danny’s shirt.

“Me too,” Danny said. It felt right.

“I want it to stop. I want… I want everything to go back to normal,” Rion said. “I want to take it all back. I hate this. I hate it.”

Danny squeezed him tight, closing his eyes as hard as he could.

He felt like he should say something. What were people supposed to say when something like this happened anyway? Should he apologize like Rion? Should he say that things would get better?

It didn’t feel like things would ever get better. Everything felt terrible and awful and Rion saying that he hated it… That made a lot more sense to Danny than anything else.

“I hate it too,” Danny said. “I really, really hate all of this.”

He hated that Amber was dead. He hated that everyone was sad. He hated that he was moving away and that everything was going to change. He hated how he had no control over anything.

Everything was horrible.

Danny would’ve kept holding onto Rion, but Rion eventually pulled away. They were both wiping away tears, noses stuffed up. Rion looked even worse than before somehow.

At some point, Danny must have knocked over his Styrofoam cup. His drink was spilt, already soaked up by the dirt.

“Do you…do you think Noa will ever forgive me?” Rion asked, scrubbing his eyes.

“Of course,” Danny said, without hesitation. “You guys are best friends. It’s just one fight. And everything sucks right now. He’s upset. You’re upset. We’re all upset, so…”

“…You’re saying things will get better?” Rion asked.

“No, not better,” Danny said. It didn’t feel like anything would get better ever again. “But… I don’t know. I fight with my family all the time. We’ve been arguing all month. But we say sorry eventually and make up, so… I think Noa will forgive you.”

“I hope so,” Rion said, sniffling, “but I guess I can’t blame him if he wants to hate me…”

“He’d never hate you,” Danny said, sure of that. “Noa’s not like that.”

Danny must have said the right thing because Rion slowly nodded.

“Yeah. You’re right. Noa’s not like that.”

“Do you think I could call you or write?” Danny asked. “I mean, after I move.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Sure. But I might not answer… Letters are hard because you need stamps and stuff. I’d need Dad to help. But phoning…that should be okay.”

“Okay,” Danny said, feeling a little better about it. “I’m scared about moving. I don’t want to leave everyone behind.”

Rion gave him a wavering smile. “Danny, you’re so cool… You’ll probably make a ton of new friends and not have time to call.”

“I doubt it,” Danny said. “I don’t want to make new friends.”

“It’s better if you do,” Rion told him. “Otherwise you’ll be lonely in the city by yourself. Being lonely sucks.”

“I’m never lonely. I have too big a family for that,” Danny told him. “But…thanks. I’m just happy I can talk to someone from home… I mean, from Misty Meadows. Maybe I can even come back and visit sometime.”

“I hope so,” Rion said. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“Same here,” Danny said. “Nothing’s going to be the same anymore…”

Chapter 33 – Sarina

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Sarina couldn’t stop thinking about everything Celeste had said. She was distracted all through school that day. Even at lunch, when Monique and Jolie were poking at her for attention, Sarina’s mind kept wandering.

Her gaze slid Rion’s way throughout the classes they shared. He was constantly zoning out and he kept to himself, barely talking to anyone. He’d been like that his whole life, even before he was friends with Noa. He was weird and creepy, same as always. And he kept giving her side-eyed looks when he caught her looking his way. It was getting on her nerves.

Had Rion really lied? But why? It couldn’t be to protect Noa. Celeste had to be wrong. Rion wasn’t a hero. The guy was a total jerk who only cared about himself. So why would he lie about the friendship bracelet?

And if Noa was the one who’d wrecked his bracelet… That changed everything.

Noa was damaged. He’d been hurt since before he came to Misty Meadows. If he wrecked his bracelet, everyone would have understood. No one would have been upset with him. He was struggling. It was normal. If he did do it, he did it out of grief.

But it was still hard to believe. How could that possibly have stayed a secret?

Maybe it was a trick orchestrated by Rion. That would make a lot more sense. He could easily be lying to get everyone on his side, painting her as the bad guy.

But Celeste said that Noa admitted that he wrecked his bracelet. Why would he play along? Noa had to be telling the truth, right? But that would mean Rion had been lying this whole time, which would mean that the bracelet really was Noa’s, and…

Sarina needed to talk to Noa. She needed his side of things. She needed the truth.

But there was one other person she had to ask first.

“Hey, Rion,” Sarina called out to him in the hall. It was packed now that school was over. “I need to talk to you for a second.”

“No thanks,” he said, shrugging on his backpack and closing his locker door.

Rion looked ready to bolt, but Sarina lunged past the crowd, getting in his way.

“This is important,” Sarina said, cornering him against the lockers. “It’s about the friendship bracelets.”

Rion froze. It was only for a fraction of a second before he leaned back, squaring his shoulders and glaring at her. It wasn’t very intimidating since he was this scrawny guy, almost outweighed by his own backpack.

“Fuck off,” Rion told her. “Leave me alone.”

There was no reasoning with him. Sarina knew she had to use force. She grabbed one of his backpack straps and pulled.

Sarina wasn’t exactly a wall of muscle, but she kept active, participating in most school sports and biking every time Travis wouldn’t let her borrow the truck. She was easily more fit than a wimp like Rion, and even though it took her a lot of effort, she was able to drag him along by the strap of his bag.

“Let go!” he said, squirming in her grip.

Rion could have pulled free of his backpack, but Sarina knew how much he hated to abandon his stuff. He clung to his own bag as she used it to drag him somewhere more private. And the closest place with a chance of privacy was the gym.

Since school was out and any activities that ran late were usually done outside on the grounds, no one was there. The supply room was closed and the gym was completely empty. Sarina dragged Rion away from the doors so that they wouldn’t be seen through the glass, the squeaking of their sneakers echoing as she hauled him to a corner.

Sarina didn’t risk letting go of Rion’s backpack. He was still straining to get away. She held on tight, pushing him into the wall. He wasn’t likely to fight back and she was confident she could handle him. The only way she was going to get any answers was if she pushed Rion.

“Celeste told me you’re a liar,” Sarina said. “She said Noa wrecked his friendship bracelet and you took the blame for it. Is that true?”

The look that flashed across Rion’s face was one of wide-eyed guilt. It made Sarina’s chest tighten, afraid of what it meant.

“Whatever,” he snapped. At least he’d stopped struggling. “If you’re going to hit me, just get it over with.”

The words sent a sharp spike of frustration through her. Sarina shoved him hard against the wall. Rion yelped. Sarina didn’t care.

“I’m not leaving you alone until you fucking answer me!” she snarled. “Who wrecked the bracelet? You or Noa?”

“What does it matter!” Rion snapped. “What would it change! Who gives a shit!”

“I give a shit!” Sarina said. “Tell me the truth! Either you’re a liar or Celeste is – so which is it?”

Rion opened his mouth, then snapped it shut with a grimace.

“Fine,” he said. “I lied. Are you fucking happy? I’m a liar. Nothing you didn’t already know.”

Sarina held him there, breathing heavily as she studied him. He was glaring back, breathing just as hard from all the yelling and struggling.

She couldn’t tell.

Sarina couldn’t tell if he was lying. It didn’t seem like he was, but… He was acting the same as he always did. He used that exact same tone all the times he talked about cutting up the bracelet.

Rion wasn’t that good of a liar, was he? Sarina didn’t think so, but she was lost right now.

“Is that really true?” Sarina said, giving him a shake for emphasis. He grunted, trying to lean to the side and pull away but she jerked him back in place. “Noa wrecked his bracelet? And you took it from him?”

“If you try to hurt him because of that, I swear…”

Now there was a change. Rion’s voice dropped, becoming low and aggressive. He bared his teeth at her like an angry dog.

Sarina hesitated. Still, she kept a tight grip on that backpack strap.

“I’d never hurt Noa,” Sarina said. “What are you – stupid? Noa’s been through so much shit… If he really did it, he was probably just hurt and upset, and… Noa isn’t an asshole like you.”

She said that, but she felt cold. The sharpness was lost from her voice. If Noa really did it…

It never occurred to her that she might be wrong. Had she really misunderstood this whole time? Rion… He’d really been lying? But…

“Why?” she continued, cutting Rion off as he opened his mouth to speak. She talked right over him. “Why would you lie?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Rion scoffed. “You stole the bracelet, dragged me out to the park, and accused me in front of everyone! What kind of friend would I be if I put Noa in that position? Not that you would have believed me if I told you it was him… I had no choice!”

“Oh, fuck off! Don’t act like you’re some martyr,” she sneered. “You did have a choice and you made a fucking stupid decision. I was the one who was trying to figure out the truth.”

“Bullshit,” Rion said with a harsh, humourless laugh. “Total bullshit! You wanted a reason to shit on me and you found one.”

“Not true! That is not true!” she said. “I don’t even know why you’re trying to make me out to be the bad guy here! You’re the one who lied.”

“And I’d do it again,” he said viciously. “I’d do it again and again and again! Every time! If it means that you’ll leave Noa alone, I’ll do it as many times as I have to!”

“Stop acting like I’d do anything to Noa!” she said. “I would never, ever hurt him! Unlike you, I actually care about him! If I thought there was something I could do to help him, I’d do it without question!”

Rion laughed in her face. It was harsh and bitter and sounded like it was grating his throat.

Sarina gave him another shove and finally let go of his backpack strap. Her heart was pounding and she felt…angry? Frustrated? She didn’t even know what kind of feeling it was. It was a rush of adrenaline pumping hard in her veins.

“You don’t know fucking anything,” Rion finally said. “You care about Noa? You’d help him without question? What a fat load of shit.”

“It’s the truth!” she snapped, hands balling up into fists at her sides. She wanted to hit him more than anything right now, but she remembered Celeste’s reaction from the other day. It was the only thing holding her back. “What would you know about doing anything for Noa? You abandoned him for years! I don’t even know why he wants to be around you! I spent so much time trying to help him! I used to come over to his house and talk to him on the phone, and…and so much other shit! And where were you? Hiding like a fucking coward!”

Rion let out another bitter laugh. “Whatever you say, Sarina. Yeah. Sure. Are you happy now? You know the truth. So leave me the fuck alone.”

She ground her teeth, clenching her jaw painfully tight. She wanted to say something, but she had what she wanted. Sort of. It seemed like Rion and Celeste were telling the truth, even if she wanted to deny it.

But she still wanted to confirm it with Noa. She wanted to hear him say it himself.

“Fuck you,” Sarina said. “Everything that Eric and Kyle say about you? It’s completely fucking true. You’re garbage! Absolute trash! Why don’t you do us all a favour and take a long walk off a short pier.”

She didn’t wait for his reaction. She turned and stormed out of the gym. She was just talking shit at this point, feeling frustrated and hating everything.

When she stepped outside, she hesitated, glancing towards home. She could call it a night and pick away at her homework, or…

She turned, determined, and headed for the Murphys.

It wasn’t a long walk from the school, just a few blocks. Before she knew it, she was right on the doorstep, hesitating. But she’d come here so she might as well…

Sarina rang the doorbell and waited.

Sarina knew that Peter went to college in the city, so she was surprised when he opened the door. It made her stomach do an uncomfortable lurch, since he’d made it clear that he didn’t like her.

“Why are you home?” she blurted out without so much as a hello. “Don’t you have school in the city? Isn’t that like an hour-long drive or some shit?”

Peter stared down at her, crossing his arms. “Unlike high school, college doesn’t always have full school days. What do you want?”

“I want to see Noa,” she said, standing straighter. “Celeste told me about the bracelets. I want to ask him if it’s really true.”

“Why? So that you can beat on him?” Peter asked.

He was totally cold about it, like he actually thought she would hurt Noa.

What was wrong with everyone?

“I would never – and I mean never – hurt Noa,” she said, jabbing a finger at him. “I just need to make sure that it’s true. And the only person who can answer that is Noa. I just want to talk to him.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Peter said. “I think you should stay as far away from him as possible. I don’t think he wants to see you.”

The words stung but Sarina was determined. She’d come here. Why leave without answers?

“Ask him then,” she said. “Ask Noa. If he doesn’t want to see me, he can say so himself.”

Peter looked like he was going to refuse. Then he let out a breath through his nose.

“Fine. Wait here,” he said.

Sarina stepped forward, expecting to at least be welcomed into the entrance, but Peter closed the door in her face. She let out an indignant squawk and was then left to stand there, fuming and embarrassed.

She stuffed her hands in her pockets, glancing around as she waited, bouncing on the balls of her feet. It was getting pretty cool out and there was a breeze today. Standing and waiting was making her feel cold, the wind nipping through her light jacket.

Finally, the door opened. It was Peter again, blocking off the doorway, but Noa had come with him and was standing right behind him.

“Noa,” Sarina said, hopeful. She perked right up, relieved that he would see her. “Hey! How are you?”

“Bad,” he said.

She was a little startled by the hard statement. Now that she got a better look at him, she realized that he was staring her down, glaring at her.

“Noa?” she said.

“I wrecked my bracelet,” Noa said. “Now go away.”

“But… What?” Sarina said, looking at Peter before turning back to Noa. “I… Noa–”

“That’s what you wanted to know, right?” Noa said.

“Yes, but… You really wrecked it?” Sarina asked. “Why? Why would you… And Rion… Why would he say that he did it?”

“Because he’s my best friend,” Noa said, his voice starting to rise. “And you hurt him! Why are you even here? I hate you.”

“Noa…” Peter said, raising a hand.

“No. I mean it. I hate her,” Noa insisted.

Sarina’s throat felt tight. She suddenly didn’t know what to say, her voice lost.

Noa hated her? Why! Because she hurt Rion? But he started everything! Rion was the problem! It wasn’t like she hurt him for no reason. He wrecked his–!

No… No, he didn’t wreck his bracelet. But he’d done so many other things! He’d done things to her too! He’d called her names! Rion was far from innocent.

“He hurt me too!” she finally said, the sound bursting from her. “He… Rion’s hit me before! It’s self-defence!”

“I don’t believe you,” Noa said. “Rion’s not like that.”

“It’s true! It’s totally true! You don’t know him anymore! Noa–!”

But with a final glare, Noa turned around and headed back in. He didn’t even glance back after that, disappearing into the house.

“Wait!” Sarina said, lunging forward.

Peter blocked her way, holding out an arm. She stumbled back in a hurry.

“Sarina, let it go,” he said. “Noa doesn’t want to see you. And neither do I, to be honest. Go home.”

“He said… He doesn’t really hate me, right?” Sarina asked. “I… It’s not how he thinks it is!”

“You’ve said that before. Too many times,” Peter said. “And every time you’ve said that to me, it’s been a lie. You need to leave.”

Sarina could feel her eyes stinging with tears.

“You’re wrong,” she said. “You and Noa are both wrong! I don’t know why you don’t get it! I didn’t…! Just because Rion didn’t wreck his bracelet doesn’t mean that he’s a good guy!”

“Rion spent the last six years protecting Noa from you,” Peter told her. “I’d say he’s a good guy.”

“He must have had some other reason!” she said.

Peter waved a hand. “Listen, I’m not going to argue with you on the doorstep. Noa doesn’t want to see you. End of story. I don’t have anything else to say, so… Goodbye, Sarina.”

“No! Wait! Hold on!”

But Peter shut the door. She heard the deadbolt click in place and she was left standing there alone.

Sarina stood on the doorstep, her eyes burning until tears began to slip free. She quickly reached up to scrub them away and then turned, sprinting off down the sidewalk.

Chapter 34 – Rion

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Rion didn't usually skip school. His attendance had always been consistent, even when he was little. Going to class and sitting in a chair for several hours was easy to do, though his attention often drifted.

His grades were much less consistent and leaned towards barely passing, so he knew he had to at least show up to school. Too many unexplained absences would be a problem. He didn’t need another reason to get in trouble. Repeating grade twelve because he skipped too much school would be beyond stupid.

But today he felt like taking a day to himself. He needed to be away from Sarina and her shit. He wanted out of his house. He needed to get away.

After lying in bed through the morning, watching the time tick down past the point where he would be late, Rion dragged himself up. He dressed in some warm clothes, pocketed his mom's old rosary, and headed outside, taking the back door. The house was still and silent on his way out. It was like climbing out of a coffin.

Rion didn’t normally ride his bike. He wasn’t surprised to find that when he dug it out of the backyard shed from behind the lawn mower, it was dusty and covered in cobwebs. The tires still had air, so he wheeled it out to clean off the worst of it.

Rion had ridden his bike twice in spring. Both times it was to head out of town to the middle of nowhere and lie in a ditch. Sometimes, he felt compelled to just get away from everything and pretend that he could spend forever laying out in the middle of nowhere. He’d fantasized about wandering off and living in the wilderness a few times, even though he knew it was a stupid idea.

Today he had different plans.

The lake was only a fifteen-minute drive away from Misty Meadows. It wasn’t that far, but it would be way too much of a pain to walk. It was still a long bike ride, but Rion was confident he could manage.

At least, he was confident until he was biking along the side of the road. It was getting brisk, despite his jacket and warm clothes. The wind was harsher on the open prairie. He wasn’t used to doing this much physical activity either, and he was soon wishing he’d brought a water bottle.

But Rion made it to the lake. He was out of breath and tired as he passed the cheerful ‘Welcome to Misty Lake’ sign. It was a new sign, vibrant, the design modern. He rode past it, heading down a familiar road.

He passed a lot of cabins. Some of them were old and familiar but many had been upgraded or rebuilt entirely. Trees that used to tower above the road were gone or cut back, giving the streets a more urban feel than they once had. It made him miss the old rustic atmosphere, a little sad that things had changed so much.

The cabins became modern the further he went, the landscape bare. He recognized the area cleared out by the fire. Everything had to be rebuilt. Even the trees they planted to replace the ones that burned were smaller, skinnier, younger. It was painfully sparse.

And then, finally, he was there. He pulled his bike over to the side, stopping to stare at nothing.

The Murphys hadn’t bothered rebuilding their cabin after the fire. They sold the property and Rion didn’t know who owned it now. Nothing had been built and the space didn’t look maintained.

The place where the Murphys’ cabin once stood was now an empty lot at the bottom of a very steep slope, covered in thick grass and weeds. The trees were gone, all of them burned away or cut down. The path that used to loop back behind the cabins on top of the slope was probably out of use and maybe gone completely. There was no trace of it from where he stood.

Looking at the lot, Rion felt nothing. There was a hollow, emptiness in his chest. This place was unrecognizable, unfamiliar. The cabin he remembered – a homey and rustic building, surrounded by tall trees – was long gone. It burned down and what remained had been torn apart and demolished. There wasn’t anything left behind to suggest what this place had once been.

But it was the right spot. Rion was sure. He’d never forget.

He propped up his bike with the kickstand and got off, walking through the weeds. He traced his path by memory. The front door to the old cabin would have been about…there…

He remembered how many steps it was through the entrance, the kitchen and dining area to his left and the living room to his right. He remembered how light used to pour in through the windows this time of day, how the sun catcher in the kitchen used to send rainbows glittering all over.

The hallway to the bedrooms started right over…there. First was Noa and Peter’s room. They would share it, though Peter preferred sleeping on the couch so he could stay up late, reading with a flashlight. Past their bedroom, down the hall on the right, was Amber’s room… Mr. and Mrs. Murphy shared the big bedroom at the end.

Rion turned left to where the bathroom used to be.

It was only a few steps to the door. It was a small bathroom, sink across from the doorway where Rion currently stood. The toilet was on the left side and on the right was the bathtub. It was an image burned into his mind. He could almost see it now, even though he was crunching through weeds and grass tall enough to reach his knees.

Rion stood for a long moment among thistles and dandelions. Some of them had wilted from the cold, but others were still clinging to life, clinging to the last bit of warmth.

Here. He could remember it so vividly. He remembered the exact sound and texture the shower curtain made when he grabbed it. He felt it in his palm, heard the crinkling in his ears–

Rion turned and crossed the lot, sprinting back to his bike. He was overcome by a wave of nausea, breathing hard through his nose. He tripped, fell, and scrambled back to his feet, his knees stinging.

It was stupid to come here. It was stupid! He was risking too much, making all the memories fresh and alive again. Why was he doing that? He knew better!

He was going to have nightmares again, start hearing and smelling things that weren’t there. He could already taste the hint of black smoke in the back of his throat and fought to withhold a gag. He breathed heavily, trying to steady himself.

He grabbed his bike, letting it support his weight while he tried to compose himself. He panted, swallowing hard, and closed his eyes. His grip on the handlebars shook and he gripped them harder to still himself.

The cabin was gone. Amber was gone. Nothing was there.

He was fine, he was fine, he was fine, he was fine.

Eventually, Rion turned and stiffly walked his bike down the road, unsteady on his legs. He mentally berated himself the whole time.

He didn’t dare look back. He had to move. He had to get away.

The road ended after a few meters, since there were no more cabins down this way, and he found himself on one of the paths that lead down to the beach. Walking, breathing, trying to clear his head, he was soon trudging through cold sand.

It was a cool weekday in autumn, so Rion wasn’t surprised that when he reached the lake, the whole beach was empty. There wasn’t anyone around and it was unnaturally quiet. The water was still, tiny ripples lapping along the shoreline. Above the water, the sky was pure blue, dotted with a few broken white clouds.

It was a beautiful sight. For a moment, Rion just stood there, drinking it in. He never got to see the lake like this. There weren’t even any boats on the water.

Rion remembered coming here so many times with Noa. Neither of them had ever learned to swim, but they used to have a lot of fun playing in the sand and running around the beach. He’d spent a lot of time here with the others too. This was where Amber gave them their friendship bracelets…

Rion missed those days.

He missed being with Noa and he missed having fun. He missed everyone getting along and his only real problems being thunderstorms and homework. He missed being happy. And he missed Amber…

Blinking rapidly, he propped his bike up off to the side. There was no point in dragging it through the sand. Then he walked down the beach.

There was a dock here; a very small one. It was mostly meant for swimmers to jump off or for small paddle boats to dock. But it was empty now.

Rion was a little nervous stepping onto it, his shoes unnaturally loud on the wooden planks. He didn’t have Noa’s fear of drowning, but he wasn’t confident since he knew he couldn’t swim. Walking down the dock, seeing the water get deeper on both sides, was uncomfortable.

He came to a stop at the end of the dock, looking out at the water. Standing out here, the lake seemed even larger. The distant surface of the water was mirror-like, but when he glanced down, it was clear. He could see little minnows darting about, and deeper down, the sandy bottom of the lake.

How deep was it here? The dock didn’t go out that far and Rion knew there were a lot of sandbars around. It was maybe…six feet deep? Seven? It was hard to judge but Rion was pretty sure it was deeper than he was tall.

He knew a little about drowning. Noa described it to him as a kid; said it felt like breathing in lava. He told him it really, really hurt. More than anything. Rion believed him.

He didn’t want to drown. Not today. Not right now. He knew how that would affect Noa. He would have to make sure he didn’t do something stupid and fall into the water, especially since no one was out here. If he got into trouble, he was on his own.

Rion sat down slowly. The water wasn’t as intimidating when he was lower and more stable. Then, carefully, he laid down on his back. The wood was cool beneath him and the sky was blue above him. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, putting his hands in his pockets. His fingers found his mother’s rosary and he rolled the beads between his fingers.

It was peaceful and he was sure that if he wasn’t so shaken, he could have closed his eyes and gone to sleep. Not that sleeping out on the dock was a good idea…

The sky above him was so blue and calm. Rion stared into it, his gaze going unfocused. He let go of his thoughts and let himself feel his surroundings: the crisp air, the gentle sounds of lapping water, and all the blue in the world above him.

Rion wasn’t sure how long he laid there. He didn’t have a plan, other than to go home at some point. He just…wanted to come here. Because it was away from everything. He could be alone in peace, out in the open, and get some fresh air.

Of course, he didn’t exactly feel peaceful. He’d made the stupid decision of going to where the cabin used to be. He couldn’t even explain why he did it. He was sure he’d be regretting it for a long time.

And then his mind went to the friendship bracelets.

Everyone knew that Noa was the one who wrecked his bracelet and that Rion’s was fine. Even Sarina knew. Everything was out in the open.

Things were going to change. He didn’t know how it would happen or if it would get better or worse. But things wouldn’t stay the same. People would treat him differently. Sarina would treat him differently. And he hated not knowing what would happen.

“Rion?”

The familiar voice startled him, and he sat up, turning around. Jesse was standing on the beach at the end of the dock. He was staring at Rion in obvious surprise.

“Oh… Hey,” Rion managed to say, blinking owlishly as he pulled his hands from his pockets. “What are you doing here?”

“I work down at the store,” Jesse said. He walked over, coming to join him. Rion got to his feet slowly. “I actually got off early because it’s really slow today… What are you doing here? Don’t you have school?”

“What time is it?” Rion asked.

Jesse glanced at the watch on his wrist. “Quarter to three.”

Rion could have sworn that he left the house around ten. Had he really been gone that long? It didn’t feel like it. He was losing track of time lately…but then he did have a lot on his mind.

“Didn’t realize it was that late,” he said. “I skipped school. I wasn’t feeling up to it today. I figured no one would be out at the lake, so… Yeah. It’s nice and quiet; calm.”

Jesse glanced around, looking out at the lake for a moment. Rion watched him.

Jesse had grown up and filled out. He didn’t have that lanky, gangly look that he did as a teen. He actually reminded Rion of Peter. Maybe it was because they were adults in their twenties now.

If Amber had lived, would she be like that too? More…womanly? Rion hadn’t really paid that much attention to Celeste and his impression of Sarina was skewed. He didn’t ever look at girls. Rion didn’t feel like he had a good comparison.

If Amber had lived, would she and Jesse be married by now? Would they have had kids? Or would they have gone off to college together?

It hurt to think about.

“I guess I can’t blame you,” Jesse said. “I came out here to sit on the beach for a bit myself. There’s hardly anyone here this time of year. The water gets too cold for swimming, so…you know.”

He turned to Rion. “I should probably tell you that you shouldn’t skip school, but I’m pretty sure you already know that. And a lot’s been going on.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “I don’t want to make it a habit or anything. I just have a lot on my mind. Sarina… Actually, never mind.”

He didn’t know why he was talking to Jesse. It wasn’t that he was relaxed or comfortable around him. If anything, he felt exhausted and worn down.

“No, wait. What were you going to say about Sarina?” Jesse asked. “Did she hurt you again?”

“No,” Rion said. There was no point in mentioning that she had dragged him around by his backpack and slammed him into the gym wall a couple times. “It’s nothing really. Celeste told her about the bracelets and she came to rag at me about it.”

“But she didn’t hurt you?”

“No…but she did tell me to take a long walk off a short pier.”

Rion let out a small, humourless chuckle. It was such a Sarina thing to say and considering where he was now, he found it funny…

…But Jesse clearly didn’t share the same sense of humour. His eyes went round as he glanced around, seeing where they were.

“You weren’t thinking of…?” Jesse began.

“No!” Rion said quickly, holding up his hands. “No, no! I wasn’t going to jump off the dock or anything. I can’t swim.”

“I know,” Jesse said, looking worried. “You really weren’t going to do something like that, right? You came all this way by yourself, didn’t you? That’s your bike over there? Rion, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m seriously not going to hurt myself,” Rion said. “I promise. That… It came out wrong. Well, it didn’t come out wrong, but… I thought it was funny that I ended up here after what Sarina said. I wasn’t actually going to… I don’t want to die, okay?”

“Okay…” Jesse said, calming down. “Why don’t we continue this conversation on the beach then. Let’s go back.”

“Sure.”

He felt awkward and embarrassed as they walked by down the dock. Jesse didn’t look like he felt much better about being on solid ground, and Rion understood. But how was he supposed to explain that he wasn’t actively suicidal? He’d rather not talk about it.

“Sarina really said that to you?” Jesse asked. “The whole ‘long walk, short pier’ thing?”

“Yeah. She was just shit-talking,” Rion assured him. “It’s hardly the worst thing she’s said to me. She’s… It’s how she is. I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Jesse told him. “I’m sorry. Everything really got out of hand with those stupid bracelets. The whole thing is a mess.”

“Yeah,” Rion said, shuffling his feet in the sand. “You know, I’d rather we didn’t talk about it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and get on with my life.”

“That’s…fair enough,” Jesse said. “I just feel bad…”

“Don’t sweat it. What’s done is done.”

“I guess…”

Rion sighed. These were the kinds of changes he dreaded; weird apologies and behaviour. It was easier when everyone blamed him and gave him the cold shoulder.

“It’s a long bike ride to the lake,” Jesse noted, clearing his throat. “Did you want a ride back to town?”

“It’s fine,” Rion said reflexively, even though he didn’t feel up to biking at this point. “I’d have to find a way to get my bike back, and… It would be a problem.”

“I bet we could ask to borrow someone’s truck,” Jesse said. “Travis would probably do it. We should leave your bike at the store. I know my manager would be okay with it. He has his own bike there. I’d feel bad leaving you here like this…”

Rion was pretty sure that Jesse was worried about him. He probably wouldn’t leave without him. It was better to just accept.

“Okay,” Rion said. “I guess that’s fine.”

Rion got his bike and they headed down to the store together. After talking with Jesse’s manager and making sure it was okay to leave his bike there, they got into Jesse’s car. It was old but sturdy and turning on the heat made the ride back pretty cozy.

“Hey. You’d tell me or…someone if you weren’t doing okay, right?” Jesse asked.

This was the kind of conversation that Rion had dreaded having with Peter. But Peter had somehow made things cool. It probably wouldn’t happen a second time with Jesse.

“I’m not doing okay,” Rion admitted, sinking into his seat, fiddling with the seatbelt. “But I’m managing.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just want things to be normal?”

Jesse glanced at him briefly before turning his eyes back to the road. “Normal?”

Maybe it was best to just say it. Rion didn’t think anyone would stop bothering him otherwise. Except maybe Peter. Somehow. For some reason.

“I just… I want to be able to live my life, you know?” Rion said. “I don’t want people saying they’re sorry for stuff, and… Honestly, I was fine with how things were. I’m okay to hang out with all of you guys, but like… I don’t want to dwell on the stupid friendship bracelets. I don’t want anyone to make a big deal about Sarina. I just want… I don’t know.”

“I think I get it?” Jesse said hesitantly. “I’ll try to keep all of that in mind.”

Rion was pretty sure he didn’t get it. But that was fine. At least he’d gotten it off his chest.

“Thanks,” he said.

“So before we get off the topic,” Jesse continued, “now that everyone knows that Noa wrecked his bracelet, are you going to start wearing yours again?”

Rion turned to look at him, blinking, his mouth half hanging open. His mind blanked, not expecting that question at all.

What?

Jesse glanced at him again. “I mean, you don’t have to, but the rest of us do, so…”

Oh, God. The rest of them did wear their bracelets. Jesse was wearing his right now. Even Danny wore his. And Sarina… Rion knew she’d been wearing hers the whole time.

Fuck.

“I, uh… I don’t know,” Rion finally managed to say. “This whole time, I was planning on giving it to Noa…”

“I think he made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want it,” Jesse said. “I mean, are you just going to put it in a keepsake box or something? It’s really up to you, but I thought you would be happy to wear it again.”

Rion had no desire to put it on. He understood how Noa felt about his bracelet, especially now that it had caused him so much grief. He would rather put his bracelet away and never look at it again than put it on his wrist and go around wearing it.

And if he did wear it, Rion had a feeling that Sarina would freak out. He wasn’t sure he wanted her to lose it on him or to try and steal his bracelet…

The whole thing was a mess.

“I…I don’t know,” he said. “I need to think about it. I didn’t think I would be able to wear it again.”

“That’s okay,” Jesse was quick to say. “A lot’s been going on and… I get it.”

Jesse didn’t get it. Not even a little bit. But Rion was glad that he’d brought it up because it brought his attention to it. Instead of worrying about what people thought, he had something else to take care of.

He needed to figure out what to do with his bracelet.

Chapter 35 – Peter

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

“…So then Rion tells me that Sarina told him to take a long walk off a short pier. And we’re standing on the dock! I got him to come back to the beach with me and gave him a ride home but… Peter, I’m really worried! We left his bike at the store. Should I just keep it there? What if he bikes out to the lake by himself again, and…”

Peter listened to Jesse ramble, worrying his bottom lip. He took a breath to respond but Jesse kept going.

“I’m really worried about him hurting himself or… I don’t want to say that he’s suicidal but at the same time, I don’t know what to think. And with Sarina saying that… I can’t believe her! I hate that she can do stuff to him at school and we have no idea what’s going on! How are we supposed to help him when he spends half his time there, forced to deal with Sarina? No wonder he skipped class!”

“Jess. Jesse,” Peter said, trying to get his attention. “Take a breath for me and let it out slowly.”

He listened to the receiver crackle as Jesse did as he asked.

“Okay,” Peter said. “Thank you. Now…you’re right to be worried. I completely agree with you. But I think this is a good sign.”

“A good sign?” Jesse repeated in disbelief.

“Yes,” Peter said. “If he was planning on hurting himself, I don’t think he would have mentioned Sarina’s comment. He was the one who put the thought in your head. I don’t think he would have done that if he was seriously planning something.”

“I… Okay. I guess that does make sense.”

“It is a red flag and you’re right to be worried. I am too,” Peter said. “But we need to build trust with Rion. We definitely need to get his bike back to him or else he’ll feel like you lied to him. If he was going to hurt himself, taking away his bike wouldn’t stop him anyway. He’s home alone the majority of the time; it would be much easier for him to hurt himself there, in private.”

“Don’t even say that…”

“I’m being honest. I know it’s hard to consider, but it’s true. If we don’t get his bike back to him, it’s going to break the trust we’ve already built. And if he doesn’t trust us, he’ll close up. That’s the last thing we want if he’s doing risky things by himself.”

And Peter knew what it was like to live with someone at risk. He dealt with Noa regularly. There were days when Noa started to talk and interact and they’d have good days together as a family. But then something would set him off and he’d retreat into himself and become cold and unresponsive for weeks.

And with Noa, half the time they didn’t even know what set him off. Sometimes it happened without warning. It was frustrating.

“I want Rion to be able to come to us,” Jesse said. “I want him to trust us. It’s just…the idea of him going to the lake all by himself and hanging around the dock… What if I hadn’t been there and he’d slipped? I… I don’t know…”

“You know what? I think you should tell him that,” Peter said. “Maybe go with him to get his bike back and then tell him you’re worried about him. If he’s struggling, it’s probably better for him to know that you care.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s true. I just… I don’t know. I’m really worried. The lake isn’t some random place to go and hang out. It’s… It’s where Amber died.”

“I know,” Peter said.

He struggled to go to the lake sometimes. He would get invites from old friends, but he felt compelled to decline. And while Peter didn’t have the same traumatic experience that Noa had with fire, he didn’t feel the same about late-night beach bonfires. It left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I wanted to work at the lake to feel close to Amber,” Jesse said. “It’s stupid. It doesn’t make sense. But I… When I go there, I think about her. I try to remember the good times that we all had out there. But sometimes, I can’t think about anything good and it can be really hard. I don’t know what’s going on in Rion’s head, but… I don’t think he’s in a good place and I feel like him going there alone is… I don’t see it ending well.”

“I know, Jesse. You’re not wrong to worry.”

“I want to know that he’s okay. And I can’t know that. It’s really… I wish there was something I could do.”

“You did do something. And it was the right thing. Rion needed you and you were there for him.”

“I know, but what if I’m not there for him next time?”

“You can’t think like that. It’s a rabbit hole. You’ll spiral.”

“It’s hard to not think like that.”

“I know. But you have to try.”

Jesse let out a long sigh in response, the receiver cracking again. He sounded stressed. Peter couldn’t blame him.

“How about this,” Peter continued. “We’ll call up Travis and see if we can borrow his truck to get Rion’s bike. Then maybe a few of us could go with you. We could hang out once we get back. If we do it on the weekend, we can have another little get-together back in town after.”

“Maybe,” Jesse said. “That might not be a bad idea.”

“We would get Rion’s bike back and we’d all be able to spend some time together,” Peter said. “It wouldn’t hurt for us to hang out again. Noa keeps asking about Rion. We’re going to need to plan something eventually so why not something with all of us together?”

“Yeah. Okay. That sounds… I should be free this Saturday, if that works.”

“I’ll give everyone else a call and see what’s up. If we can make it work, I think we should.”

“Peter?”

His heart jolted at the voice coming from right beside him. Peter spun around. Noa was standing there, looking up at him. He was quickly developing an annoying habit of sneaking up on him when he was on the phone.

“Sorry. One second,” Peter said to Jesse, covering the mouthpiece of the handset as he turned his attention to his cousin. “Hi, Noa. What is it?”

“Are you making plans to see Rion again?” Noa asked, expression open and hopeful.

“I’m just talking to Jesse, but yes. We were thinking of maybe doing something again this weekend,” Peter said.

“Okay. Good,” Noa said.

Then he did something completely unexpected. He leaned in close to the phone in Peter’s hands and said, “Hi, Jesse.”

“Noa?” came a muffled, surprised response.

Noa had already turned and wandered off, disappearing back to the living room. Peter stood there blinking before raising the phone again.

“…He hasn’t done anything like that in…well…years,” Peter said.

“Yeah, I know,” Jesse said. “That… Wow. Okay, I can see why you want him spending more time with Rion.”

“He’s changing,” Peter admitted, lowering his voice. “He’s starting to act like his old self more and more. I don’t want to get too excited in case it’s temporary, but… I can’t deny that I’m happy about it.”

Since Rion came over, there’d been a huge change in Noa. Peter could tell how excited it made his parents. Noa was starting to talk more often. He’d make the odd comment here or there, ask the odd question, and seemed more alert. And he asked about Rion a lot.

“Yeah. If that’s the effect Rion’s having, that’s incredible.”

“I know,” Peter said. “If I had known he would react to Rion like this, I would have been trying to get them together this whole time. Then again, maybe what they needed was space and that’s why things are working out so well now.”

“Yeah, maybe. Who knows. But I think it’s great,” Jesse said. “I’m really glad that Noa’s opening up. I’m happy for him.”

“Me too,” Peter said. “Anyway, I should let you go. I have some stuff to take care of, so…”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks, Peter. I just… I’m worried and I don’t really know who else to talk to.”

“That’s okay. I understand,” Peter said. “I’m glad you called. Let me know if anything else comes up. Or if you just want to talk, I’m here.”

“Thanks, Peter. I appreciate that. A lot has been going on…”

“I know. It feels like the motto lately.”

“Yeah, it really does. Say hi to Noa for me, okay? And let me know about what’s happening on the weekend. I’ll call around and see if anyone will help with Rion’s bike.”

“Sounds like a plan. Thanks, Jesse. It’s nice talking to you.”

After they said their goodbyes and hung up, Peter went to the living room. His mom was there, along with Noa. The TV was on low and Noa was drawing.

Even from this angle, Peter could tell that Noa was drawing hands again. Peter had stopped asking why a long time ago. It was something that Noa had occasionally done as a kid, but his hand art got more frequent every year.

Noa drew lots of other things. He was talented. He spent several hours a day drawing and it wasn’t even uncommon for him to cover the back of his homework in art. But he had some very specific quirks and things he liked to draw. It was a Noa thing.

“Hey, Peter,” his mom said, sitting up. “That was Jesse on the phone? Is he coming over?”

“No, no. We’re trying to make more plans for this weekend,” Peter said. “Rion biked out to the lake the other day and Jesse drove him home. Rion’s bike is still out there so I was thinking maybe some of us could go pick it up this weekend. We could come back and hang out after.”

Noa’s attention was immediately on him, intense and focused.

“Rion went to the lake?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Peter said.

“That’s a long bike ride. It has to be about an hour,” his mom said. “It was probably a good idea for Jesse to drive him home.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” Peter said.

“Did he go out to the cabin?” Noa asked.

“Wha…? Noa, the cabin… It’s gone,” Peter said, taken aback.

Noa let out a small, annoyed huff. “I know that. I mean, did he go out to where the cabin used to be?”

“I… I don’t know,” Peter admitted.

The question threw him for a loop. He didn’t expect it. Because why would Rion go out to where the cabin was? He didn’t go to Amber’s grave, just like Noa. And Noa was pretty insistent about not going to the lake. Peter couldn’t see why Rion would want to go there if Noa didn’t.

It was such a weird question. It made him feel like he was missing something. But then, maybe he was jumping to conclusions.

“Did Jesse ask him?” Noa continued.

“He didn’t say anything about it. He said he ran into him on the beach,” Peter said, omitting the part about the dock. “Is there…is there a reason to go to where the old cabin used to be?”

Noa pinched his lips together. He was silent for a long moment and then, finally, he shook his head.

“We haven’t been out to the lake in a long time,” Peter’s mom spoke up. “Maybe we should go. It’s probably a little cold this time of year, but we could all make a trip next summer. If everyone wants to.”

“Maybe,” Peter said. “It might not be a bad idea. For now, we need to get Rion’s bike back. We won’t be staying long. We’ll just make a quick trip and come back.”

Noa didn’t look impressed. After a moment, he shrugged, as if deciding something.

“What? What is it?” Peter asked.

“I don’t want to go out to the lake,” Noa said.

He said it like Peter expected him to go. That wasn’t the case at all. Peter wasn’t even sure that he would have offered to have Noa come with them to pick up the bike.

“You don’t have to,” Peter told him. “It will probably just be Jesse, Travis, and Rion…maybe me too. I don’t know. You can stay here and we can meet up after.”

“If Rion is going, I’m going too,” Noa said.

“Are you sure?” Peter asked.

Noa nodded.

“Okay,” Peter said, though he felt reluctant about it. “I still need to call the others and arrange everything. Nothing is decided.”

“If you want to hang out here, you’re more than welcome to,” his mom said. “I picked up some shifts this weekend so I’m not sure if I’ll be around, but your father should be home. We could pick up some snacks and rent a movie or something.”

“I’ll call the others,” Peter said. “We’ll figure things out.”

Chapter 36 – Celeste

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Celeste didn’t expect Sarina to come by her place on Wednesday.

Her mom invited Sarina in and called for Celeste. She’d been talking to Sophie, but the moment Sarina showed up, her little sister immediately hid away in her room. Celeste was left to talk to Sarina on her own.

Sophie stopped liking Sarina when she decided to pick Jolie over Sophie for something in…was it fourth grade? Celeste only knew part of the story but whatever the exact reason, Sophie held a grudge and Sarina stayed friends with Jolie. They were in the same classes together, but as far as Celeste knew, they never talked or hung out unless they got stuck together with a school project.

Still, Celeste welcomed Sarina. She was hesitant because of last time, but Sarina seemed different today, more reserved. Celeste found out why when they went to her bedroom to talk.

The second the door was closed, Sarina began crying, tears streaming down her face.

“Sarina! Are you… Are you okay?” Celeste asked, hurrying to get her some tissues.

“N-no,” Sarina hiccupped. “Noa…Noa said he h-hates me, and…and I can’t talk to anyone b-because…because M-Monique keeps laughing at me and c-calling me boring!”

She accepted the tissues, burying her face in them. Celeste guided her to the bed, getting her to sit down. She sat next to her wanting to comfort Sarina.

“Maybe…maybe take a minute, and… Just let it out, okay?” Celeste told her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Sarina sat and bawled her eyes out into the tissues for several minutes. She was a mess. Celeste could only guess at what was upsetting Sarina so much, but she had a pretty good idea…

“I talked to Rion. About the bracelets,” Sarina said once she was finished crying. She was still sniffling, red eyed. “He admitted that he lied and then I went to talk to Noa… He said he hates me. Peter wouldn’t even let me in the house. I thought I could handle it and make it through today, but…Monique is being such a bitch about it…”

“I tried to tell you…” Celeste said.

“Yeah, but… Why doesn’t anyone understand!” Sarina said. “Everyone wants to make me out to be some big asshole, but, like… It’s not like that! I don’t get why everyone’s against me! Even Monique…”

“Well, you’ve done some bad things,” Celeste said, not wanting to mince her words too much. “You hurt Rion…”

“It’s not like I did it for fun. He’s an asshole!” she sniffled. “He wrecked his…! I mean… He’s hurt me and stuff too. And yelled at me. And called me names.”

“Okay, but he didn’t do that when we were kids,” Celeste said. “Right?”

“No… But I don’t get what’s wrong with everyone! Why don’t they get it? Why don’t you get it?”

“Because it looks like Rion’s been defending himself from you,” Celeste said. “And you’ve been ganging up on him with your friends. I mean, that’s all true, isn’t it?”

“Yes but no!” Sarina protested. “I mean, yeah, we’ve done stuff to Rion, but like… It was never that bad!”

“What did you do to him then? How was it ‘not bad’?” Celeste asked. “Explain it to me.”

She hoped that maybe if Sarina could put it into words, she’d realize her own mistakes. She watched Sarina scrunch up her face as she thought about it.

“I mean… He’d call us names, so we’d push him around a little. Or…or, like, he’d push us in the hallway and when we’d tell him to fuck off, he’d get rude or hit us or whatever. So we’d hit him back.”

“Is that really what happened? Are you sure?” Celeste asked. “Because other people seem to have a different story. If we went to the school and asked your classmates, what would they say? Sophie says she’s seen Eric and Kyle go after Rion when you aren’t even around, so… Do you understand why it’s hard for us to believe you?”

Sarina looked up at her with wide eyes. “Eric and Kyle…without me…?”

“Yes,” Celeste said. “I mean, you don’t actually hang out with Eric and Kyle that much, do you?”

“I mean…no…” Sarina fumbled, looking down. “Okay. Okay, listen. I might have gone too far a few times, but… It’s Rion too! He does stuff too! It’s not just me.”

“Like what?” Celeste asked. “What does he do? Other than call you names.”

“I… I don’t know! Stuff!” Sarina said. “It’s day to day! It’s little things all the time! It’s not like I can name every single little thing!”

“Well, what did he do today?” Celeste asked.

She sniffled. “He wasn’t at school, so…nothing.”

Celeste frowned, wondering what that was about. Was he sick or was it something else? Maybe she should call and check in on him. But for now…

“What about yesterday?” Celeste asked.

Sarina’s lip curled. “He was really fucking rude.”

“You mean when you asked him about the friendship bracelets?” Celeste asked.

“I… Yeah,” she said and then hesitated. “Okay, so… I might have grabbed him by the backpack and dragged him along so that we could talk in private. But that was only because he was telling me to fuck off and stuff!”

“So…you’re saying he didn’t want to talk to you, told you to go away…and you forced him to talk to you anyway?” Celeste asked, wondering how Sarina could justify all of that in her own head. Celeste didn’t understand. “That… Do I have that right?”

Sarina began to blush. “I mean… I had to talk to him! It’s not like I was forcing him!”

“You just told me you dragged him around by the backpack.”

“I…I, well… Yeah. But only because he… What was I supposed to do?”

Celeste took a deep breath. She wanted to be patient and she wanted to talk to Sarina. But it was so hard right now. She didn’t understand what Sarina was thinking and she felt stressed just talking about it. It made her heart race whenever Sarina raised her voice.

“I want you to put yourself in Rion’s shoes, okay?” Celeste said. “Let’s say you really didn’t want to talk to Rion and he was trying to get your attention. You told him to fuck off. And then he dragged you off by your backpack. Would you be okay with that?”

“Rion’s not strong enough to drag me anywhere,” Sarina said.

“Okay, but let’s pretend he was. How would you feel?”

“I’d be pissed.”

“Okay. And would you be rude to him?”

“Well, yeah. But this is different!” Sarina said.

“How is it different? What’s different between you and Rion?” Celeste asked.

Sarina took a breath to answer but no sound came out. She closed her mouth, frowning deeply. Then she looked away.

“I don’t know. We’re different people,” she said.

“You might be different people, but Rion still has feelings,” Celeste said. “He gets hurt and sad and mad just like you do. You’ve done a lot of things to him, from what I’ve heard. He’s upset with you. That isn’t going to go away.”

“I… But… I’m not the bad guy,” Sarina said. “I hate how everyone, even Monique, is acting like I’m some shithead! It’s not like I enjoy hurting Rion! It’s not like I want him to get hurt!”

“Maybe that’s how you feel, but it’s not what it looks like,” Celeste said.

“All I wanted to know was the truth about the bracelets,” Sarina said. “And everyone…okay, maybe not you…but everyone else has been a dick about it.”

“You have the truth now,” Celeste said. “Noa wrecked his bracelet. Rion took the blame.”

“But why wouldn’t he just tell us?” Sarina said. “I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s really suspicious that Rion lied, right? I mean, I know he’s a liar, but… He can’t have just been protecting Noa. He must have had some other reason.”

How had Sarina’s mind gone there? How? It was like she was desperately clutching at any little thing that might excuse her actions.

“Noa’s his best friend,” Celeste said in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t he lie for him?”

Again, Sarina opened her mouth and was silent. This time, her expression was bitter. She looked down, twisting the tissues in her hands, ripping them up.

“I don’t know,” she said. “There’s… It can’t be that simple. It can’t…”

“Do you want to know what I think?” Celeste asked.

She was hesitant to say it, but knew it had to be said. When Sarina nodded, Celeste took a deep breath, forcing herself not to chicken out.

“I think you know what you did was bad,” Celeste said, her voice going small. She really wished she could speak with more confidence. “I think you know it was bad and you feel bad about it. And it hurts because you know what you did was wrong and you feel guilty. But you don’t want to admit it because…because that means you did something horrible.”

“But I didn’t do anything bad,” Sarina said quickly. “I didn’t.”

“Are you sure?” Celeste asked. “Do you really believe that?”

“I… I don’t know,” she said, looking away. “I don’t want Noa to hate me. I don’t want everyone to think… I don’t want people to think I’m some psycho. I didn’t… I didn’t know that Rion didn’t wreck his bracelet, okay? His looked exactly like Noa’s! How could anyone tell the difference? And why would I think that Rion had Noa’s bracelet? It wasn’t his! Why was it in his house? It’s stupid!”

The words came out in an angry rush, but Celeste was relieved. She felt like Sarina was finally starting to understand what she was doing wrong.

“You went through Rion’s things though, didn’t you?” Celeste asked.

“The bracelet was out in the open!”

“Was it?”

“I… Well… I think so. I’m pretty sure.”

“And even if it was in the open, you saw it and jumped to conclusions. You made a mistake. And that’s okay, but you can’t hold it against Rion or hurt him for it.”

“But he lied!” Sarina protested.

“If you were in Rion’s shoes, I think you would have lied too,” Celeste said. “How could he tell you that Noa did it? How could he blame Noa? Think about it, Sarina. Really, just…think about it for a second.”

Sarina did think. Celeste could tell because she was tearing up again.

“Yeah. Okay,” she finally admitted with a note of defeat. “I guess that makes sense… But it doesn’t mean Rion’s a good person.”

“No, but you should at least be able to see where he’s coming from, right?” Celeste asked. “Rion wanted to protect Noa. You made a mistake and thought the bracelet was his and he let us believe that. Because he couldn’t put the blame on Noa.”

Sarina looked down, fiddling with her tissues some more. “I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to… If I’m wrong, then… That means I’ve been hurting Rion all this time for nothing, and I… It’s not like there wasn’t a reason. It’s not like I enjoyed it. I’m not the bad guy.”

“Sarina…” Celeste began but there was a knock on the door. “Hold on.”

She got up and answered it. It was her mom.

“Peter’s on the phone for you,” her mom said with a hesitant smile. She’d probably heard Sarina’s raised voice from downstairs. “I know that you’re busy…”

“Oh, um…” Celeste began and glanced back at Sarina. She’d hidden her tissues in her fists and was trying to look like she hadn’t been crying. “Do you mind if I go down and talk to Peter for a minute?”

“No. No, I don’t mind,” Sarina said, sucking in a breath, forcing a smile. “I’ll come down with you.”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “Thanks for letting me know, Mom.”

They headed downstairs. The handset was off the hook to the side and Celeste picked it up. Sarina hovered nearby.

“Hello? Peter?” Celeste said.

“Hi, Celeste,” Peter answered. “I was wondering if you had plans for this weekend. Jesse and I were talking about having another get-together.”

“Oh, that sounds good. I’m free this weekend,” she said. “What were you thinking?”

“Well… Something happened today. Apparently, Rion skipped school and biked out to the lake. Jesse found him out there and gave him a ride home, but we were thinking of picking up his bike this weekend and then getting everyone together to hang-out after. Jesse’s worried about Rion and Noa wants to see him, so… It seemed like a good idea.”

Celeste gave Sarina a brief, wide-eyed look. Sarina said Rion wasn’t at school. He skipped school to bike out to the lake? That… No wonder Jesse was worried.

Sarina was staring back at her, eyes equally round in surprise. She could hear the whole conversation standing next to Celeste.

Celeste wondered if she should say something to Peter about Sarina being there. But was that okay? What should she say? She struggled to think of a way to mention it, her mind blanking.

“That… Um… Yeah. That does sound like a good idea,” Celeste stammered. “Okay. I won’t make any plans. Just let me know what day works out.”

“Sure,” Peter said. “Honestly, I’m worried about Rion too. Jesse said he found him laying on one of the docks. And when they talked, Rion said that Sarina told him to take a long walk off a short pier. I don’t think he was seriously considering it, but…he might have gone there subconsciously.”

“Oh,” Celeste said in a tiny voice.

She was still looking at Sarina and she saw the other girl flush pink and look down, her eyes darting about. There was no doubt in Celeste’s mind that what Jesse told Peter was true, but that look was almost a full confirmation.

“Yeah,” Peter said. “Well, thanks for letting me know, Celeste. I called Danny and he said he was free on Saturday. Jesse’s free then too, so…”

“Saturday then,” Celeste said, faintly.

“Yeah. Saturday.”

They had an awkward back and forth, pinning down an exact time and then they said goodbye. She never managed to mention Sarina, too tongue-tied and flustered. When Celeste hung up, she immediately turned to her.

“You told Rion to take a long walk off a short pier?” Celeste asked, keeping her voice low.

“I didn’t mean it seriously!” Sarina hissed in just above a whisper. “I meant it like… I was just mouthing off! I didn’t want him to actually do it!”

“Sarina, he’s really not okay right now!” Celeste told her. “It should be obvious…”

She fell silent when she heard her mother’s footsteps down the hall.

“We should go back to my room,” she added.

“I… I think I need to go,” Sarina said. “Sorry. Thanks for… Thanks for everything.”

“Wait. Are you sure?” Celeste said. “I think–”

“Yeah. No. I really have to go,” Sarina said. “Thanks. I mean it.”

Chapter 37 – Rion

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Rion watched Travis’s truck pull up in front of his house. He clenched and unclenched his hands at his sides. There was nothing he could do about the nervous feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.

He’d never had much to do with Travis because he was so much older. Combined with the fact that Travis was Sarina’s brother, Rion didn’t want anything to do with him.

Still, Jesse had given him assurances over the phone and told him that Peter and Noa were coming too. It’s not like they were going to be alone together. And after they got back, they were all going to go to the Murphys to hang out. It would be fine.

Rion kept telling himself that as he walked up to the red truck.

“Hey,” Travis said, rolling down the window and giving him a wave. “Hop on in.”

Jesse waved at him from the passenger seat. Peter and Noa were in the narrow backseat. Rion opened the door, joining them.

“Hey,” Rion said.

Noa was in the middle seat and Rion squeezed in next to him without too much trouble, buckling up.

“You guys good back there?” Travis asked.

“It’s a bit snug but we’ll be okay,” Peter said.

“Okay,” Travis said. “Seatbelts on. Doors locked. Let’s go.”

Rion settled in, already feeling a little better with everyone here. He let his hands rest on the seat but almost as soon as he did, Noa reached out, taking his hand and holding it.

“Noa?” he said, turning to him.

“Hi,” Noa said.

“Hi,” Rion returned, because he had no idea what else to say.

“I’m happy to see you,” Noa said.

Rion studied him. For a second, he wondered if it was true. Sure, things had been good last time when they hung out with the others. But he’d gotten the impression that Noa was upset with him about their back and forth with the friendship bracelets.

Maybe he had just imagined it? Or maybe Noa had cooled off and let it go.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Rion said.

Noa gave his hand a squeeze. Rion squeezed back. He expected Noa to let go of him after that, but he didn’t. He hung on, their hands resting intertwined between them on the seat.

“So, how have things been?” Jesse asked from the front. “Have you been doing okay, Rion?”

“Yeah. It’s been fine,” Rion said, but his mind was elsewhere. Why wasn’t Noa letting go of his hand? Was that normal? Was it weird? It felt… Rion wasn’t sure how it felt, but it was making him jittery. “Teachers are starting to pile on homework. I have an English essay due next Friday.”

“I do not miss school,” Travis said. “I was more than happy to say goodbye to homework and all of that bull.”

“It’s not that bad. As long as you hand something in, you’re almost guaranteed to pass,” Peter said from Noa’s other side.

“Says the super nerd,” Travis snorted. “I passed everything. I just hated every second of it. School sucks.”

“Math and science were killer,” Jesse added. “I’m not sad to be free of stuff like chemistry either.”

They chatted the whole way to the lake. Rion would have enjoyed it except that Noa was holding his hand the whole time. He kept thinking about it, wondering if anyone noticed, or… He didn’t know what to think.

Did Noa just want to be close? Was he clinging to nostalgia? They used to hold hands a lot as kids, but now it seemed kind of…too much. Weren’t they too old for that?

Wasn’t it weird for guys to hold hands? Wasn’t that a thing that only couples or kids did? Would people think he was gay? Or think Noa was gay? Or that they both were? Did they look like a couple?

Rion’s heart was pounding. His face felt hot and his hand was sweating in Noa’s grip. He kept glancing around at everyone else in the car, scared that someone might notice and make the wrong assumption.

When they pulled up in front of the store, Rion was finally able to pull his hand free as he got out of the truck. He stepped aside, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants.

Jesse went and got Rion’s bike from the store. Together, they loaded it up in the bed of the truck, securing it. It only took a few minutes and they were done.

“Feels like we’ve got too many people for the job,” Travis said, “but that’s that. Anything else we need to do?”

“No, I think we can head back now,” Peter said. “Jesse said you didn’t want to hang out?”

Travis waved a hand dismissively. “It would be kind of awkward, I think. I don’t mind helping out, but…you know…”

“That’s too bad,” Jesse said.

“If you change your mind, you’re more than welcome to come,” Peter said.

“Well…who’s going to be there? Not Sarina, obviously,” Travis said. “I’d have heard all about it if she was invited.”

Jesse waved at their group. “It’s all of us here, Danny, and Celeste.”

Travis paused and then seemed to seriously consider it.

“…Maybe I could stop by for a while. But not for long.”

Noa was scuffing his feet in the dirt, looking around, alert but wary. While the others talked, he turned to Rion.

“Did you go to the cabin the other day?” he asked.

Rion was under the impression that he was trying to ask while the others were distracted. Noa’s voice was soft, his question obviously only meant for Rion. But Peter was immediately looking their way the moment the words left Noa’s mouth.

“I… Yeah,” Rion said, a little surprised that he knew. “I didn’t plan to, but I ended up wandering over. Why–?”

“I want to go there too,” Noa said. “Will you come with me?”

Rion felt cold and knew that it wasn’t the brisk, dry air. He wanted to shudder, remembering the other day, standing in the empty lot.

“It’s a bad idea, Noa,” Rion said. “There’s nothing there.”

“I want to see,” Noa said.

“We probably shouldn’t go there, Noa,” Peter spoke up. “We should drive back and drop off Rion’s bike.”

“I want to go,” Noa said, turning to him. “Rion said nothing’s there. I want to see.”

“It’s probably not a good idea,” Jesse added, glancing between them. “Even I haven’t been over there in a while. It’s… It’s just an empty lot.”

“I want to see,” Noa said again, like a broken record.

He was insisting with that stubborn tone of voice that said he was willing to argue until he had his way. Noa was usually easygoing, but when he set his mind on something, it was like a steel trap.

“Why don’t we compromise,” Travis spoke up. “We can drive by. Just get in the truck, drive over, take a look, and go.”

“Okay,” Noa said.

“Fine,” Peter agreed. “We’ll drive by on our way out and then head back to town. We’ll look and then go. Okay?”

Noa nodded.

They piled into the truck again. This time, Noa insisted on a window seat. He didn’t take Rion’s hand again. Travis drove them to the lot, everyone silent.

Even though he was in the middle and the view wasn’t the best, Rion recognized the way. He felt a deep sense of discomfort even though they were doing this in the day and he wasn’t alone. Last time had been… It wasn’t good. He didn’t want to go back.

He watched Noa, who was leaning against the door, looking out. Rion felt like he was good at reading his friend, but right now…he had no idea what was going on in his head.

Why did he want to see where the cabin used to be? Why was he so insistent? Because Rion had gone there? Because it had been so long since they’d both come here? Had Noa even been here since the fire?

Travis slowed down as they reached the spot, pulling to stop. The lot was the same as Rion remembered it. He thought he could see a vague impression of where he’d trudged through the weeds the other day.

“That’s the spot,” Travis said. “Let me know when we’re good to go.”

Noa stared for a moment. Rion heard his seatbelt click but was a second too late to reach out and stop him. Noa opened the door and hopped to the ground.

“Hey, no, no! Noa!” Peter called out, hurrying to unbuckle himself. “That’s not what we agreed!”

Rion struggled with his seatbelt too, in a hurry. His fumbling hands managed to click the button and the moment he was free, he jumped out of the truck, following Noa, who had walked to the edge of the lot. Rion grabbed him by the arm, clutching his sleeve. It took all his self-control to stop himself from dragging Noa back to the truck.

“This is bad. Let’s go,” Rion said.

Noa didn’t budge. He stood stiffly, facing the lot.

“There’s nothing here,” Noa said.

“That’s what I told you,” Rion said. “There’s nothing. Please, Noa. Let’s get back in the truck.”

But Rion was sure that Noa was experiencing the same thing that he had the other day. There was nothing here and they both knew that. But the image of the cabin was burned into their minds. It didn’t need to be physically there. The memory of it would always be real.

Rion could see Noa’s gaze turn, moving across the lot, rising up the steep slope that had once been thick with trees and underbrush.

“Noa,” Peter said, coming over to them, Jesse and Travis not far behind. “Come on. There’s nothing to see here.”

“Who owns it?” Noa asked.

“I can’t remember,” Peter admitted. “You’d have to ask Mom and Dad. It doesn’t matter anyway. We should go.”

“Not yet,” Noa said.

“Noa…” Rion began but stopped when Peter let out a long, loud breath.

“Okay,” Peter said, sounding frustrated. “Okay, take a minute. Just…please… We can’t stay here all day. We need to get back home. Okay?”

Noa nodded.

Peter backed off, glancing expectantly at Rion. But Rion turned away from his gaze, sticking with Noa. He wasn’t going to leave him here. He couldn’t.

The others stepped back, hovering close by. Rion could hear them speaking in low voices, but he couldn’t make out the words. He stepped closer to Noa, leaning towards him as he let go of his sleeve.

“Noa…” he said, lowering his voice. “It’s gone. Everything is gone. There’s nothing here. We shouldn’t stay. It’ll bring back bad memories…”

It did for Rion. His skin was crawling. He felt eyes on him, like he was on a stage in front of a full audience. He knew he was being self-conscious and worrying about the others standing around behind them, but it still gave him goosebumps.

And standing here with Noa… The last time they’d been here together was the day Amber died. The last time they’d stood right here in this spot…

Rion remembered.

They couldn’t see the fire when they got outside. The smoke was billowing out the top of the cabin. They’d been panicking, scared, they’d freaked out. Rion remembered screaming. Noa had thrown up…

It happened right where they were standing now. They’d had the sense to run to John’s cabin and by the time they’d seen the Murphys’ cabin again…

The whole building had been up in flames. Other people had tried to help and the other cabins were warned. Firefighters were called, but it took them what felt like ages to get out to the lake. Everything was dry. The fire spread. Leaves were like kindling, trees went up in flames. A few other cabins burned down before the fire was put out.

No one was hurt. No one except Noa, who burned his hand. And Amber…

Noa was silent, staring at the empty lot. His gaze was distant, but his eyes were heavy with unshed tears.

“Do you…do you smell it?” Noa asked him.

Rion really wished he hadn’t asked. He didn’t smell anything until Noa spoke. And suddenly he wasn’t sure if he was retreading the memory of the heavy back smoke in his lungs or if he was really, actually smelling it.

“Yeah,” Rion said, voice tight.

“It’s not real…right?” Noa asked.

“I don’t know…” Rion said, his eyes stinging. “Noa…please…let’s go back. Please. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. Let’s…let’s go. Let’s hang out with the others. We can have a good time and be happy. Please…”

Noa’s hands balled up into fists. He looked down. He was squinting, trying not to cry, his tears quivering on the edge of his eyelashes.

“I want them to hate me,” he said. “Why won’t they…? Why doesn’t anyone ever get mad?”

Rion took a breath to reply, but he didn’t have an answer. His throat felt too tight. He couldn’t get the words out.

“It’s my fault,” Noa said softly. “It was me. Everyone should be mad. They should hate me.”

“That’s not true,” Rion told him, keeping his voice just as low. He didn’t want the others to hear, still aware of their gaze. “Noa, it was me. It was my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was… It was an accident. It just… If…”

He was struggling with the words, hating himself. He didn’t want Noa to turn on him too, to hate him. But he should. Rion knew that if he hadn’t been at the cabin that day, Amber would still be alive. She would be…

“Stop trying to protect me.”

The words were cold but Noa had closed his eyes shut tight, tears slipping free. Rion reached out to comfort him reflexively, but Noa slapped his hand away as soon as it brushed his sleeve.

“Noa…” Rion said.

“Stop it,” Noa hissed.

Rion was hurt. Stung. He pulled away.

“I’m sorry…”

“You… It’s…” Noa said. His eyes were shut tight. “Do you hear it?”

Rion listened. There was a breeze, catching some leaves and causing them to skitter around. There was distant conversation, probably the last few people at the lake. None of it was out of the ordinary.

But Rion had a feeling that wasn’t what Noa was talking about.

“No,” Rion said. “You hear something?”

Noa nodded, covering his ears with his hands. He was starting to shake.

“I don’t want to… I don’t want to hear or see…” Noa said, his breaths coming too sharp, cutting off his words.

Rion hated that he understood what was happening. He hated that he’d been through this himself. It was just like the smell of smoke that he could still taste at the back of his throat.

It wasn’t real. He knew it wasn’t. But knowing it wasn’t real didn’t stop him from feeling like it was.

“Peter–” Rion started, half-turning but Peter was already there.

“Noa? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” he asked.

Noa was retreating further, hands firmly pressed over his ears. He shook his head, not saying anything.

“He asked me if I heard anything,” Rion said, hoping that would explain, hoping that Peter might know something about whatever was wrong with both of them.

“Hear… He’s hearing something?” Peter asked.

“Yeah. I think… I think it’s because of the cabin,” Rion said.

He hated to imagine what Noa was hearing. Rion heard things too sometimes, and just thinking about it made his chest tight and his breath come short. Reliving anything from that night, anything close to what happened…

No. He couldn’t think about it. He had to focus. Noa came first.

He clenched his hands into tight fists at his sides, tight enough that his fingernails were biting at his palms.

“Noa,” Peter said, gently touching Noa’s arm. Rion hated how Noa flinched. “It’s me. It’s Peter. Can you hear me? I just want to walk you back to the truck, okay? Do you remember the new exercises Dr. Maes gave you?”

Noa didn’t respond at all. He was shivering, breathing hard and fast, hands covering his ears painfully hard. He was crying too, tears slipping free from clenched eyes. Whatever he was going through was really, really bad.

“Noa, we can work through this, okay?” Peter said. “I’m right here. I’m not leaving you.”

“Is…is Noa okay?” Jesse asked, stepping over.

“No,” Rion said. “He’s… I don’t know. He’s not okay.”

“Maybe drive the truck closer,” Peter said, still hovering close to Noa. “I just need to work through this with him and then maybe…maybe we can get him in the truck and… If it doesn’t work out, one of us might have to run down to the store and call my dad.”

“Seriously, will he be okay?” Travis asked, joining them. “Is… Like… How long do these, uh…episodes last?”

“It depends,” Peter said with a grimace before turning back and trying to talk to Noa.

Rion could only watch. He had never felt so useless, even though he knew exactly what Noa was going through, even though he knew exactly what it was like.

The only thing he could do was stand there, biting the inside of his cheek painfully hard, wishing they’d never come to where the cabin used to be.

Chapter 38 – Rion

Friday, September 4, 1998

Rion stretched alongside Noa when they got out of the car, sighing in relief. The drive out to the lake wasn’t long but he still felt stiff. As Rion flapped his arms, bouncing on his feet, Noa turned back to the car and began grabbing their things. Rion quickly turned to help.

“I’ll come by tomorrow morning,” Mr. Murphy was saying to Amber as he passed her the key to the cabin, “but if you have any trouble just go next door and bother Uncle John. And go easy on the lights. I know they take a while to turn on but don’t keep flicking them. Be patient and if they don’t turn on–”

“–turn them off and use our flashlights when it gets dark. Yup! I know,” Amber said. “Don’t worry, Dad. We’ve done this a million times.”

“I know, but still,” Mr. Murphy said. “If something happens and you can’t get hold of John–”

“–run down to the store and phone home,” Amber said. “Dad, I know.”

“Okay,” he said. “Oh. Rion, Noa. There’s something I want to lend you before I go.”

Rion and Noa both looked up. They had started pulling backpacks and things from the car but that got their attention.

“Lend?” Noa said.

“What is it?” Rion asked.

“Let me grab it,” Mr. Murphy said.

Rion shared a glance with Noa before they turned back to the car. Amber grabbed what they’d already taken out and carried it to the cabin.

Mr. Murphy pulled out a very familiar case and held it out to them with a grin.

“Your camera?” Rion said in surprise.

“I was hoping you two could do me a big favour and take some pictures,” Mr. Murphy told them, holding out the camera case. Rion accepted it gingerly. “I put in new film so it’s all ready to go. You remember how to use it?”

Mr. Murphy let Noa and Rion use the camera a few times before. Usually it was to get a few pictures of everyone together and then they would give it back. Rion was always scared of breaking it.

“I remember how to use it,” Noa said.

“Me too,” Rion said. “You’re sure it’s okay for me and Noa to borrow it though?”

“It’s fine,” Mr. Murphy said. “If you have any trouble, just ask Amber. But you and Noa did such a good job last time. I think it would be a great idea for you to take some pictures this weekend. I mean, as long as you want to…”

“We do!” Noa said.

“Yeah!” Rion agreed. He put the strap around his neck to make sure that he wouldn’t drop it. It was heavy, but he didn’t care. “Thanks a lot, Mr. Murphy!”

“We’ll take good care of it,” Noa added.

“I know you will,” Mr. Murphy said with a smile. “Just be careful not to fiddle with too many of the dials. You wouldn’t want to use up all the film by setting it to continuous shot.”

“Right!” Rion said. “I remember! You explained everything really good last time. Thanks!”

“Oh, cool!” Amber said as she rejoined them. “Dad’s borrowing us the camera?”

“I was hoping Rion and Noa could get a few pictures this weekend since they did a great job last time,” Mr. Murphy said.

“We should get some pictures of the trail out back,” Noa said with a rare, wide smile.

Rion returned it with a grin of his own. “Maybe we’ll see some chipmunks or rabbits!”

“But we should save some film for when everyone gets here tomorrow,” Amber said. “We’re going to want some good pictures of everyone with Danny and his family. I’m sure they’ll really appreciate it.”

“It’s fine. I’ll bring more film tomorrow,” Mr. Murphy said. “I’d better get going though. The key works okay?”

“Yeah, we can get in and out of the cabin just fine,” Amber said, gesturing. “We’re all good here.”

“Okay. Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone.”

“We’re going to have all the fun,” Amber said with a snort. She pulled her dad into a hug. “I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Love you too, sweetie,” Mr. Murphy said, hugging her back and giving her a quick peck on the forehead. She rolled her eyes at the kiss but she was still smiling. “Don’t forget that the idea is to clean up the cabin before the end of the weekend. Don’t make too much of a mess.”

“We’ve got Noa with us,” Rion spoke up. “He won’t let us make any messes, Mr. Murphy.”

Noa let out one of his quiet laughs. “We’ll be okay.”

“All right then,” Mr. Murphy said with a grin. He hugged Noa and Rion quickly before letting them go, waving. “Noa! I’m trusting you keep these two in line. Make sure they make it through the weekend without destroying the whole lake.”

Noa nodded. “Okay. Bye, Uncle Charlie.”

“Bye,” Rion said with a wave as Mr. Murphy got back in the car.

“Love you!” Amber added with a wave. “Drive safe!”

They waved until he was gone and then headed into the cabin together.

“Okay,” Amber said. “We might as well put our stuff away. Did you guys want to start decorating tonight? We could put up the streamers.”

“Let’s wait until Uncle Charlie comes in the morning,” Noa said. “He’s supposed to bring the balloons and stuff.”

“I guess that’s true,” Amber said. “It’s going to be pretty crowded in here. Maybe I’ll move the couches in the evening so we have more room… We gotta give Danny’s family a really good send off! And when we’re done, we can clean up the cabin for winter.”

“Bleh. Cleaning,” Rion said.

“Oh, come on. It’s not that bad,” Amber said. “Besides, we get to have fun first.”

“I prefer the fun part without the cleaning,” Rion said, looking down at the camera case resting on his chest. He couldn’t keep his hands off it, fiddling with it. “Maybe we could go down to the beach and take some pictures too.”

“Yeah,” Noa said. “Why don’t we put our stuff away and then look for things we can take pictures of.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Amber said. “Actually, Rion, do you mind helping me out with some of my things?”

“Huh? Oh. Sure,” he said, a little confused. “What do you need help with?”

“I brought a blow dryer and a hair straightener,” she said. “If you could just take them and put them under the bathroom sink for me, that’d be great. And while you’re there… Actually, just come to my room first.”

“Okay,” Rion said.

“I’ll put your stuff in our room,” Noa told him.

“Thanks,” Rion said. “I’ll be there right away.”

It didn’t sound like Amber needed any help to Rion. He didn’t know why she couldn’t put stuff in the bathroom herself. But he didn’t really question it since she was older and maybe had other things to unpack. Like…girl stuff?

Did girls pack different things than boys did? They must since Rion would never think to bring a blow dryer out to the cabin. Towels were good enough for him. Why would anyone bother with blow drying their hair? There was nothing nice about hot, annoying air in your face.

When he followed Amber to her room, she quickly closed the door behind them. She didn’t close it all the way, clearly trying to be quiet. Rion stared at her, confused.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Amber put a finger to her lips. She listened at the door, as if trying to make sure that Noa was in his room. Then she turned back to him.

“I just wanted to ask you a few things, Rion,” she said, lowering her voice. “Is that okay?”

“Um… Sure, I guess,” he said, lowering his voice too. “What is it?”

“Noa’s your best friend, right?” she said, smiling. But her smile seemed a little forced. “I know what that’s like. Celeste is my best friend and we tell each other everything. It’s really awesome to have someone like that, isn’t it?”

“Well…yeah,” Rion said.

He still didn’t understand what this was about or why Amber was acting so weird. Talking about best friends… What did that have to do with anything?

Of course Noa and Rion were best friends. Everyone knew. Why else would Mr. Murphy trust both of them with his camera? He had even handed it to Rion…

“You tell each other everything, right?” Amber asked.

“Yeah,” Rion said.

“Everything everything?” Amber asked with extra emphasis.

Rion began to feel uneasy, wondering where this was going. Because he was starting to have an idea and he didn’t like it.

“Everything,” Rion said, but his voice grew small. “Why?”

“I have a really important question to ask you and I need you to answer me honestly, okay?” Amber said. “No one’s going to be in trouble or anything. I just want to help. You’ll answer honestly, right?”

“Yeah…” Rion said, hesitating. “What’s the question?”

“Has Noa…? Has he ever talked to you about…hurting himself?” Amber asked.

Rion opened his mouth and then closed it again, uncomfortable. He really didn’t want to answer.

Because the answer was yes.

Noa trusted Rion with everything, just like Rion trusted Noa. They could tell each other anything. When Rion told him about what happened to his mom, about how he was still scared of thunderstorms, Noa told him what he remembered about his own parents. They exchanged really, really personal stuff.

Rion didn’t know if it was right to talk to Amber about it. Noa told him a lot of things, not just about wanting to hurt himself but about the times he actually had hurt himself. And Rion promised to keep it a secret. And he did keep it a secret because he was a good friend.

But it scared him when Noa talked like that. And it scared him to hear what Noa did. It scared him when he saw scratches on Noa’s knees or a blister on the heel of his foot and he couldn’t tell if it was something that happened by accident or on purpose.

And the scariest thing was when he asked Noa how he learned to hide it so well. And Noa said, “Mother taught me.”

Noa said that when he talked to Rion about it, he felt a bit better. He said that he didn’t feel like he needed to hurt himself as much. And Rion wanted to help. He was happy that he could do anything for Noa. He was happy that Noa trusted him enough to tell him when things were bad.

Rion couldn’t break that trust.

But…Amber was older. She was watching them today. He was supposed to trust her and tell her things, right? And he did trust her…

“He’s not in trouble,” Amber added as the silence stretched on. “And you’re not in trouble. No one’s going to be in trouble, okay? I just want to know if…if this is something he’s talked to you about.”

“I… I don’t know…” Rion began. “Noa’s my best friend. He… That kind of thing is private.”

“I know,” Amber said. “I’m just worried about him, Rion. I want to know that he’s okay. And I want to help him. If he’s hurting, maybe we can find a way to help him get better.”

“Isn’t that why he’s in therapy?” Rion asked. “And therapy’s supposed to be private.”

“It is,” Amber said, “but I’m really worried about him. Please, you don’t have to give me any details or tell me what he told you. Just…has he talked to you about it before?”

Rion bit his lip. Amber seemed really worried. Maybe…maybe it wasn’t a bad thing to tell her? She was Noa’s family. And if he didn’t tell her any details… He was worried about Noa too. That made them the same, right?

Rion nodded, not meeting her eye.

“Thank you. Thank you for telling me,” Amber said. “So, he does hurt himself? Or talks about it?”

“Yeah…” Rion admitted just barely above a whisper. “He said… He said he feels better talking to me about it… He… I don’t think he does it that much.”

“That’s…that’s good,” Amber said, but her expression was pained. “Did he tell you why he does it?”

“U-um…” Rion began. “He… I mean… He said he just gets so upset sometimes and…um…confused and he…he talks about… You’re not mad, are you?”

“No! No, not at all,” Amber was quick to say. “I’m just worried. I really love Noa. I don’t want him to hurt himself, that’s all. You feel the same, don’t you?”

Rion nodded, a little relieved. “Noa said things aren’t going great with the doctor he’s seeing. And sometimes he has really bad days or people say things…”

“Say things? About him?” Amber asked.

“About his parents,” Rion said. “He… He gets confused. Because everyone talks about his dad being bad. I mean, the whole town says that his dad killed his mom and then tried to kill him. But he doesn’t remember.”

“I think Mom said the doctor told her that he has repressed memories,” Amber said. “Like, he forgot because that stuff was so bad.”

“Yeah,” Rion said, wanting to open up but still being careful with his words. “But Noa said…he said he doesn’t remember his dad being like that… He remembers his dad being nice to him, so… He thinks that means he’s a bad person too.”

“Oh… No, no. That’s not true,” Amber said. “He’s not like that. He’s good.”

“I know,” Rion said. “That’s what I told him. I don’t know if he believes me… I… He said he was going to talk to his doctor about it, but I don’t know if he did yet.”

“Okay,” Amber said. She took a breath to steady herself. “Okay… Rion, thank you. Really, thank you. Don’t worry. I’ll keep his secret for him. I won’t tell anyone else. Neither one of you is in trouble. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said, but he was starting to wonder if he really did the right thing.

“Um…so…here,” she said awkwardly, going to her bag. She pulled a few things out and handed them to Rion. “If you can just put those under the bathroom sink, that’ll be great. And can you pull the shower curtain around the bathtub while you’re there? Just so Noa doesn’t have to look at it. You know how he gets around bathtubs.”

“Okay,” Rion said, feeling weird and awkward about the whole thing.

He took the blow dryer and the hair straightener and went down the hall to the bathroom. He felt guilty, like he’d done something he shouldn’t have, and he ducked his head down when he passed the door to Noa’s room.

Rion tucked the appliances under the sink and then turned to the bathtub. The shower curtain was tucked into the tub, pulled aside. He grabbed it, pulled it out, and then extended it around the tub, smoothing and straightening it out as best he could. They would all know the bathtub was there, but it helped Noa if he didn’t have to look at it.

Rion made sure that the bathtub couldn’t be easily spotted from any angle. Then he took a quick breath and let it out, heading to Noa’s room to unpack his own stuff.

Chapter 39 – Rion

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Getting back to the Murphys’ wasn’t easy.

First, they needed to get back into the truck. They couldn’t do that until Noa calmed down. Peter had to stick by Noa, talking to him, trying to get him to work through his episode. It took around twenty minutes. And they were a painful twenty minutes.

Rion felt horrible the whole time. He wanted to help but he didn’t know what to do. Whenever this sort of thing happened to him, Rion was forced to wait it out. That wouldn’t help Noa.

With Peter’s encouragement, Noa eventually calmed down enough to get in the truck. He took the middle seat with Peter and Rion on either side of him again. He clearly wasn’t okay and he’d stopped talking or doing…anything. The only reaction he had was to lean into Rion halfway back to Misty Meadows, pressing their shoulders together.

Rion leaned back into Noa, reciprocating the gesture. He wanted to comfort him but he didn’t know how. Should he hold his hand again…? But, no, he couldn’t. Noa’s hands were pulled up in his sleeves and curled in his lap. Rion didn’t want to say anything in case he upset Noa again, or… He didn’t want to bring up the wrong thing with everyone in the truck together.

When they finally arrived, pulling up at the Murphys’ house, Danny and Celeste were already there, waiting outside. The two of them must have been worried since they came to greet them as they got out of the truck.

Rion got out on one side while Peter got out the other. Peter turned to help Noa, but Noa turned away from him, following Rion instead. Rion offered him a hand but he ignored it. Noa crossed his arms, kept his head down, and walked to the house. Peter quickly hurried to follow him.

“Hey,” Danny said, watching Noa go. “Is everything okay? What happened?”

“Noa insisted we go out to see the cabin and he had a breakdown,” Jesse explained.

“Oh no…” Celeste said, concern written all over her features. “Is he… Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“I hope so,” Jesse said. “I think we might have to cancel our plans, though…”

Rion stood there, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket while the others talked. He didn’t want to join in their conversation. He felt tired and gross and he didn’t want to be here anymore. Especially now that Noa was gone.

He could still smell smoke. It was stuck in his lungs and he couldn’t get the taste out of his mouth. He hoped it was just a lingering bad memory. He hoped it stayed that way. He didn’t want to break down like Noa. He didn’t want anyone to see him like that.

He knew how everyone talked about Noa, like he was a broken mess. They pitied him. Rion didn’t want pity.

“Rion?”

It was Jesse who spoke. He was looking at Rion, expression concerned. They were all staring at him. He must have zoned out again.

“Sorry,” he said, mouth dry. His throat felt like sandpaper. “I don’t… I should go home.”

“You’re really pale,” Danny said. “Are you feeling okay?”

Rion wanted to say yes and wave them off. But he couldn’t. The words were trapped in his throat.

He felt like he was going to be sick. He was suddenly too hot, sweating out of nowhere. His legs became weak and unsteady. He was lightheaded and dizzy and… This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.

No, no, no, no, no…

He tried to shake his head and then sucked in a breath, too hard and too sharp.

“I don’t feel good,” he said.

“Maybe you should sit down,” Celeste told him. She looked worried. They all did. “Maybe… Just… You can probably, um…”

Celeste’s words were enough. Rion needed to sit. His legs weren't going to support him for much longer. He didn’t even bother trying to find somewhere to sit down. He put out a sweaty hand, bracing himself against the truck and slid against it, dropping right down in place on the gravel.

It hit him all at once, like the crash of a wave. His heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest and he was shaking. The fierce, blinding fear stabbed at him. It came on hard and fast with barely any warning.

Rion knew he was a mess, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, closing his eyes tight and breathing raggedly through his nose. His heart was pounding so hard and so fast that he could have sworn he was having a heart attack. There was a throbbing in his chest, in his head, in his limbs… It hurt.

He should’ve seen this coming. He should’ve paid more attention to the signs. He should’ve…

Rion curled into a ball, shaking, sweating, trembling, wishing he could shut everything out.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want it. He wanted it to stop…

He could hear the others talking, but he couldn’t make sense of what they were saying, the words a jumbled slurry. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move. He felt trapped, terrified.

Rion jolted when someone put a hand on his shoulder. He wanted to thrash free, to bat the hand away, but his limbs felt like lead. His body didn’t listen to him. He was frozen in place, unable to escape.

Rion peeked through narrowed eyes, teeth chattering, and found Peter down on the ground next to him. His expression was intense but focused.

“Rion, can you hear me?” Peter said.

His voice was steady, calm despite everything. Rion tried to nod but he was shaking so bad, he wasn’t sure Peter understood. Still, Peter gave him something to focus on. He fought to center himself but it wasn’t working.

He wanted to tell Peter to stop touching him. He hated it.

“I need you to try something for me. It’s going to be hard but it’s important, okay?” Peter said. He pulled his hand away, giving Rion the tiniest bit of relief. “I’m going to count to four and I want you to breathe in deep and slow. Think you can do that for me?”

Rion tried to nod again, tried to take deeper breaths.

“Okay. That’s great. Ready? I’m going to start. One…two…three…four…”

Rion’s breath was shaky, but he managed to keep up with Peter, doing everything he could to focus. Even though he was breathing slowly, it felt like pins and needles going through him.

“Hold that breath! One…two…three…four…”

Rion held it. He closed his eyes again, hugging his knees, his fingers digging into his jeans.

“And let that breath out slow. One…two…three…four…”

Rion let his breath out. It eased some of the tension in his chest, but his heart still felt like it was going to implode. It couldn’t be good for it to beat that hard, right?

“That was great, Rion. I know it’s really hard, but we need to try again, okay? It should help you calm down. So, one more time. I’ll count for you again.”

They did it again and again and again. Rion wasn’t sure how many times Peter guided him through breathing, but they did it until Rion started to feel more like himself, until his breathing was steadier.

Rion wasn’t sure if the breathing thing was helping him or if it was just Peter being right there, talking to him and encouraging him, giving him something to latch onto. Either way, he started to feel more himself. It was slow but it was working.

He was still a mess, though. He felt like he’d run a marathon, his whole body weak and shaky, sweat beaded on his brow. He was disgusting and clammy.

And he was more than embarrassed. He was frustrated at his lack of control, angry with himself for reacting to absolutely nothing, disgusted that anyone had seen him break down.

He’d lost it in front of everyone right after Noa had… He must look crazy. What if they thought he was just attention seeking or…or…

He was a freak. He was crazy. Nothing was even happening and he was having a fucking meltdown in front of everyone. Why couldn’t he just stop and be normal? Why couldn’t he stop embarrassing himself? He was so fucking stupid.

“How are you doing?” Peter asked. “Any better?”

“I… I don’t know,” Rion said, unable to meet his gaze. He was humiliated, ashamed. “I don’t feel good…”

“Is your dad going to be home tonight?” Peter asked.

Rion hesitated. If he’d been okay, he might have lied and said yes. But he couldn’t. Not right now. Not feeling like this. He shook his head.

“Okay…” Peter said, taking a deep breath. “Rion, will you please sleep over? I know that you might not want to, but I’m going to be really, really worried about you if I send you home. I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Please, please stay. For my sake.”

Rion didn’t want to. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. He didn’t want anyone looking at him. It was embarrassing. He wanted to find some place to hide.

But he didn’t want to go home to his empty house either. Most of the time he felt safe and comfortable there, but right now? He already knew that the silence and emptiness of the house would probably make him freak out all over again. And it would be ten million times worse.

He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, but he didn’t want to be alone either.

“Can I…” he started and then had to clear his throat, “Can I think about it?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “Do you want to come in and have something to drink?”

“Okay,” Rion said.

He spared a glance up. The only other person there was Danny, who was hovering nearby. The others must have gone inside or left. Rion hadn’t even noticed.

He pushed himself up. His legs were weak, barely supporting him. He had to lean on the truck for a minute, breathing, trying to steady himself. His heart was still thumping hard in his chest. Peter raised a hand, ready to help support him, but he let Rion try to do it on his own.

And then Danny was there, right by his side. He practically bolted over.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You really scared us! You just dropped down, and… Can you walk? Are you going to be all right?”

“Just give him a second, Danny,” Peter said. “He’s going to be okay. He just had a panic attack.”

“Panic attack?” Rion repeated.

“That’s what it looked like to me,” Peter said.

On some level, he knew what it was called. It wasn’t like he’d never heard of them. But he’d never thought of those awful, hellish, heart-attack moments as ‘panic attacks’. He’d had all of this happen to him before, usually at home by himself, but… He’d never really tried to identify what it was.

Rion wasn’t like Noa, who was seeing a psychiatrist. He was just some guy. There was stuff wrong with him, but… Did that make it a condition? Panic attacks… Did that mean something was really wrong with him? Like, more wrong than he’d thought?

“I’m not a doctor and I could be wrong,” Peter continued. “I’m used to helping Noa with his panic attacks, like before. You saw me talk to him just now at the lake.”

“You didn’t do the…the breathing thing,” Rion said.

He tried to remember exactly what Peter had done. He’d given Noa some kind of instruction too, but Rion had barely been paying attention. He’d been too anxious standing so close to where the cabin used to be. He’d felt useless and paced around, trying to work off his nervous energy. He didn’t remember…

“Noa doesn’t handle breathing techniques well. They make him gag,” Peter said. “You seem to be doing a lot better now. That’s good. You should come in and sit down.”

“Yeah, but, like…I’m seriously worried,” Danny spoke up. He looked like he could barely contain himself. “Rion, you really freaked me out there.”

“Sorry…” Rion said. “I… Sorry.”

Danny shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re my friend and I care about you.”

Without any other warning, he pulled Rion into a hug. Peter said something quickly about not overwhelming him, but Rion didn’t care. He hugged Danny right back.

And all of a sudden, he wanted to cry. He closed his eyes tight, remembering back to Amber’s funeral, when Danny last hugged him like this. It had meant everything to him at the time and somehow this felt the same. It was messing him up.

“Thanks, Danny,” he said, still clutching at him, voice wavering.

“Don’t mention it,” Danny said into his shoulder. “I’m here for you, okay?”

Rion pressed his lips together as hard as he could, giving a small, stiff nod. He felt Danny start to pull away and, not wanting to linger, he withdrew, blinking rapidly.

“I think I need to sit down,” Rion said. “I just… I need… Yeah.”

“I think so too,” Danny said. “Come on. You should really have something to drink. Peter, what do you guys have? Something hot, maybe?”

“We have hot chocolate, tea, coffee…” Peter began.

“Hot chocolate,” Rion said. It was the tastiest, most comforting drink he could think of. “If that’s okay.”

“It’s more than okay,” Peter said. “Come on. The others are inside. Let’s go and get you comfortable. Take it easy.”

They headed in together, Peter and Danny sticking close to him. When they walked in, Noa was there, waiting in the entranceway.

Rion didn’t expect to see him. He assumed Noa would have gone running to his room. That’s what Rion would have done…

No, actually… Rion wouldn’t have gone to his room. He would have hidden away in his dad’s room. He would have buried himself in the comforter on the bed and inhaled the faint but familiar scent of his dad. That usually made him feel a little better…

It was probably a weird thing to do. Rion could only imagine what Sarina would say. She’d probably call him creepy and gross.

Maybe she was right about everything.

“Are you okay?” Noa asked him.

Noa looked like how Rion felt: pale, shaky, and tired. Rion should be asking Noa that, not the other way around.

“I’m fine,” he said reflexively.

“No, you’re not,” Danny said as he came up behind him, followed by Peter. “You just collapsed outside.”

“I… I just sat down, and… I didn’t collapse,” Rion said.

Now that he was feeling a little more himself, the embarrassment was growing, getting stronger every second. It ate at his insides. He didn’t want the others to see him like this. He didn’t want them to look at him. He didn’t want them to know… But they already did. Everyone had seen.

Noa’s expression hardened. He grabbed hold of Rion’s arm.

“We should go to my room,” he said.

“I think it would be better if he sat downstairs for a bit first,” Peter interjected. “He should take a minute–”

“Let him decide,” Noa snapped.

Rion would have been surprised at Noa’s sharp tone, but he was more concerned about something else. Noa’s room was upstairs. The thought of going up there…

“Upstairs… I just… I can’t…” Rion said, struggling with his words.

He was fine to go to Noa’s room and talk to him alone. But he didn’t want to go anywhere near the door to Amber’s room. The thought alone left a sharp prickling in his chest. He couldn’t do it. Not now.

“Okay,” Noa said, seeming to understand even though he barely said anything. Rion was relieved. “I know somewhere we can go. Follow me.”

He gave Rion’s arm a gentle tug, trying to lead him towards the living room. Rion allowed himself to be guided, stepping forward.

They passed through the living room. Jesse, Travis, Celeste, and Mr. Murphy were there.

“Hey,” Jesse said right away. “Everything okay?”

Noa didn’t answer and Rion’s words wouldn’t come to him. He didn’t want to look at them, afraid that he would see pity in their eyes.

They ignored Jesse and the others and kept walking, through the kitchen, down the back hallway, until they reached the laundry room.

“Go away,” Noa said to Peter, who had followed them all the way there.

“What are you doing? Why are you going into the laundry room?” Peter asked.

He sounded insistent. Rion was worried he wouldn’t leave…

“We’re talking. Come back later,” Noa said before closing the laundry room door in Peter’s face.

Peter didn’t try to get in. They stood there, listening until his steps faded back down the hall. Rion was surprised that worked. Then again, they probably wouldn’t be left alone forever…

Now, it was just the two of them. Just Noa and Rion.

Rion’s mind went blank. He didn’t know what to do or say. He looked down, clenching and unclenching his hands. They were tingling. So were his legs.

Noa turned to a shelf of clean linen. He grabbed a thick, folded blanket and used it to cover Rion, pulling it firmly around him, almost tucking him in where he stood.

“Sit,” Noa told him before dropping to the ground.

Rion hesitated but only for a second. His body was telling him that Noa was right. His legs were still weak and he felt like he needed to be small and burrow into the blanket. He sat down in front of Noa on the cool floor, tugging the blanket closer.

“Are you okay?” Noa asked again.

“Are you?” Rion said.

Noa didn’t look okay. He looked run down and exhausted. Now that they were sitting and Rion was focused on him, he noticed that Noa was shivering occasionally. He didn’t know if it was because the laundry room was cold or if it had something to do with before, from being at the lake.

“No,” Noa said. “I’m not okay.”

“Me neither,” Rion said, looking down.

They were both quiet for a while. And maybe that was what they both needed. Rion felt warm, curled up in the blanket. And he didn’t have anyone staring at him or judging him. He felt like he could finally breathe easier now that it was just the two of them in a small room.

“Rion,” Noa finally said, “I meant what I said at the lake. Stop protecting me.”

Rion swallowed hard, feeling stung, hurt. He didn’t want to agree to that. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk about that again. Why did Noa have to bring it up…

“Noa, I care about you,” Rion said. He really, really meant it. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You never did anything wrong…”

“You need to think about yourself first,” Noa said. His voice was steady but when he inhaled, it was shaky and rough. “You… They were saying you had a panic attack outside just now, and… Those are awful, Rion. I hate them. You need to worry about yourself. I care about you too, and…and I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I…”

Rion’s voice caught. It was so good – so good – to hear that Noa cared. He had to let the feeling wash over him before he could say anything else.

“That… That makes me really happy,” Rion said, “but I don’t care what happens to me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. I don’t care. As long as you’re safe and happy–”

“How can I be happy when you don’t care what happens to you?”

“Because you don’t need me,” Rion said, his eyes stinging. He hated to say it, but it was true. “You haven’t needed me for years. This whole time, I’ve been… I’ve been trying to make sure that no one found out about the friendship bracelets. And things were good! The Murphys have been taking care of you and you’re seeing a good therapist. Me… I’m just a loose end, a bad memory.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that!” Noa said fiercely. Somehow, it made him sound even more tired and strained. “Don’t! You’re my best friend! Of course I need you! I told you to go away because I was scared I would hurt you again. I was scared I would lose you like…like Amber… And if something happened to you, then… If… I just can’t.”

Rion didn’t know what to say to that. They lapsed into silence again, though they were both breathing sharply, emotions running high. It made Rion even more exhausted.

“You’re not a bad memory,” Noa added when Rion didn’t say anything. “You’re my best memory.”

Rion swallowed hard. “I could say the same thing about you. I want to help you. I want… It’s all I have left.”

He didn’t know how else to say it. His desire to protect Noa was the only thread stitching him together. If he gave that up, he had nothing.

Rion gave up everything for Noa. He gave up his friends. He gave up any reputation that he had. He gave up going out. He gave up on having a normal life and being happy. He didn’t have anything else left. There was nothing.

“The others know about the bracelets now. You have them,” Noa said.

“No, I don’t. Not really,” Rion said bitterly. “The way they reacted to the friendship bracelets back then… How do you think they’d feel if they knew the real truth? About Amber?”

“They’d hate me,” Noa said. “They’d hate you.”

“So I don’t really have them, do I?” Rion said. “It’s all fake. It’s all a lie. What we went through… No one else can ever understand. I… You might not need me, but I need you.”

“You’re better off without me.”

“I’m really, really not.”

“You had a panic attack because of me.”

“No, I didn’t,” Rion said. “I freaked out because we never should have gone to the cabin.”

“I was the one that made us go there,” Noa said.

“Stop it,” Rion said. “Just stop it.”

The air between them grew heavy. Rion closed his eyes and tried to breathe deep and even. It was hard. He wanted to curl up and cry.

“Noa… I don’t want to fight with you,” Rion said. “I really don’t want to. The others are waiting on us, and… I don’t feel good. You probably don’t feel good either. Can’t we just… Can’t we go hang out with the others and just… Can’t we be happy for a little bit? Can’t we have one good night?”

Noa was looking down, his expression still and somber.

“I’m tired,” Noa said and then reached up to scrub his face. “I feel gross. I swore I heard… At the cabin… I thought I heard…that electric screaming…”

Rion felt nauseous. Just having Noa bring that up made the sound ring in his ears. He grimaced, looking down.

“I’ve heard that too,” he said, just barely above a whisper. “Not today, but… Yeah.”

“It was awful. It was like I was there again. It was so bad. I hate it.”

“I know… I know. Me too.”

After another heavy silence, Rion shuffled closer. He flopped part of his blanket over Noa.

“Can I hug you and say sorry?” Rion asked.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Noa said.

“I want to apologize for arguing with you.”

“Only if I can say sorry for arguing with you.”

“Okay.”

Noa held out his arms and Rion pulled him in, drawing Noa into the warmth of the blanket. He held him tight. Noa squeezed him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Noa gave him another squeeze and Rion squeezed him back. It didn’t make him feel better since their argument wasn’t over, but they both needed a break. Neither one of them could handle this right now.

Chapter 40 – Peter

Saturday, September 25, 2004

With a mug of hot chocolate in one hand, Peter knocked on the laundry room door.

“Noa? Rion? Can I come in?” he asked.

There was a pause and then Noa called out, “Okay.”

Peter opened the door slowly, peeking in. He wasn’t sure how he expected to find the pair of them, but when he saw Noa and Rion both sitting on the floor, Rion all wrapped up in a blanket, it was a relief. He raised the mug for them to see.

“Hot chocolate’s ready,” he said. “Are you two going to come back and join us? We were going to put on a movie. Maybe something fun… Pirates of the Caribbean?”

“Okay,” Noa said again.

They both got up. Seeing Rion all bundled up made things click for Peter. Noa must have been trying to comfort Rion. That’s why he’d rushed off with him for privacy.

It had bothered Peter how abruptly the two of them had gone somewhere by themselves. The fact that Noa had shut everyone out after they both just had panic attacks, and for them to immediately hide away from everyone else made him concerned.

But now it made a lot more sense and, honestly, Peter was relieved. He wasn’t sure that Noa would have been able to prioritize someone else less than a month ago. It was good to see him trying to take care of Rion, even if he had his own way of going about it.

Peter passed Rion his hot chocolate. Rion had to reach a hand out of the blanket to take it.

“Thanks,” Rion said.

“Blankets are a good idea,” Peter said. “Here…”

He grabbed another one and bundled up Noa. His cousin was happy to pull it close, his face barely sticking out. He looked so cozy that Peter couldn’t help but smile.

“There,” Peter said. “I’ll just grab another couple blankets in case anyone else wants one. Did you guys want anything else to eat or drink? The others have started on the snack trays.”

“We can join them,” Rion said. “Um… Thanks, Peter.”

“Don’t mention it,” he said.

They left the laundry room together, Peter following behind Noa and Rion. He wanted to keep an eye on them. Even if Noa was trying to comfort Rion, he was still worried about how they were doing after the day they’d just had.

Then again, earlier… Rion said something about Noa hearing things. Peter was going to have to mention that to his parents and Dr. Maes.

The others were waiting for them in the living room. Travis had left, saying that he wanted to drop Rion’s bike off, but everyone else was still there. Peter told them to try and be cool about things. After everything that happened, they all needed to unwind and have a relaxing evening.

“Hey!” Danny greeted them, practically jumping off the couch. “You’re back. How’s it going?”

“Better,” Rion said, shuffling along.

“What’s with the blankets?” Jesse said.

Peter stepped forward, putting some folded blankets on the corner of the couch. “I thought it would be a good idea for us to get cozy while we hang out. We can just put on a movie and relax.”

“I’m up for that,” Celeste said.

“Yeah, we can do popcorn and stuff,” Danny said. “It’ll be great. And, oh, hey! We were actually just talking about Jesse’s birthday too. It’s on Tuesday.”

“Right,” Peter said, blinking. He’d almost forgotten. “I don’t have a present yet…”

Jesse was quick to hold up his hands, waving dismissively. “It’s fine. I won’t be in town anyway. I’m going out with my parents on Tuesday. They want to take me out to see Shaun of the Dead, so…”

“…I didn’t take you for a zombie, comedy movie kind of guy,” Peter said, blinking. “Huh.”

Jesse let out a small laugh. “I think my dad wants to see it more than I do, but… My point is, I won’t be in town, so don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll give you your present anyway,” Celeste said. “I’ll stop by Monday, maybe.”

“Oh…oh, you don’t have to,” Jesse said. “It’s fine.”

“You think we aren’t gonna do something to celebrate, Jesse?” Danny said with a grin. “I bet even Rion’s got something planned.”

Rion blinked at them owlishly. “Uh… Yeah, actually, I… I kind of got a little something… It’s small though…”

“I have something too,” Noa spoke up.

“Oh, geez, guys,” Jesse said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You really don’t have to…”

The rest of the evening was mostly salvaged. The others stayed and they all did their best to keep things normal and lighthearted. Peter was distracted, keeping an eye on Noa and Rion. He felt paranoid, worrying about them. At least hanging out and watching a movie with blankets, popcorn, and hot drinks seemed to put everyone in a better mood.

Eventually, the others had to go. They left one by one, Danny lingering the longest. He pulled Peter aside before he left.

“You know, if anything happens, just call me or whatever,” he said. “I just want to make sure everything’s okay…”

“We’ll be fine,” Peter said. “Mom’s coming home at eleven and dad’s here. I’m keeping an eye on them so it shouldn’t be a problem. But thanks, Danny.”

“I’m really worried…” Danny added, lowering his voice. “I just… I want to make sure they’re okay, you know? There’s so much shit going on…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Peter said. “Thanks for everything. Really. I appreciate it.”

Danny left. Then it was just Peter, his dad, Noa, and Rion.

“So,” Peter said. “Do you need a ride home, Rion? Or are you spending the night?”

Rion hesitated, conflicted.

“I… Yeah, okay,” he finally said. “I guess I’ll stay. If it’s not a problem.”

“It’s fine,” Peter’s dad spoke up. “You’re more than welcome.”

“Why don’t we camp out on the living room floor tonight?” Peter added.

Rion looked relieved and Peter thought he might know why. He’d seen the way Rion edged around Amber’s door. It was very reminiscent of Noa. Peter wasn’t sure if Noa told Rion more about it or if he had his own set of bad memories to deal with. After going to the lake and dealing with panic attacks… It seemed like a good idea to have everyone stay downstairs.

“Okay,” Rion said. “Will we just use sleeping bags or…?”

“Sure,” Peter said. “All three of us can stay down here, like when we were kids.”

“I can grab the sleeping bags,” his dad added. “Elaine will be home in a bit, so you might as well stay up until she gets here. Did you want snacks or anything before bed?”

“No,” Noa said.

“I’m good,” Rion added. “I just need something to wear.”

“You look like you’re about Noa’s size,” Peter said, studying them critically. Actually, Noa might be a little bigger than Rion, but they were both pretty small and thin for their age. “Noa, is it okay if I grab something of yours for Rion?”

“Yeah, of course,” Noa said, turning to Rion. “It’s exactly like when we were kids.”

Rion offered him a wavering smile. “Yeah, I guess…”

“Okay,” Peter said. “I’ll be right back.”

He went up and grabbed pajamas and pillows. When he came back down, his dad already had the sleeping bags out and his mom had just walked through the door.

“Hey,” she said, stepping out of her shoes. “How are you?”

“I’ll tell you about it in a bit,” Peter said as he walked past her into the living room. “Rion’s staying over for the night.”

“Oh! Oh, good!” she said.

Peter went to Noa and Rion, handing them their things.

“Thanks,” Rion said.

“You can change down here in the bathroom…or the laundry room,” Peter added, remembering that the downstairs bathroom had the bathtub. Noa avoided it so it was better to give more than one option. “Actually, do you think you guys will be good for a minute? I just want to talk to Mom and Dad.”

“What about?” his dad asked.

“Just some stuff,” Peter said. “I want to talk before Mom calls it a night. It’ll just take a second.”

“Okay,” his dad said.

Noa gave him a side-eyed look. Peter was pretty sure that Noa knew he would talk about the panic attacks with his parents. But that was fine. Noa didn’t have to like it.

He was long overdue for a talk with his parents. He’d been putting it off, focusing on college and the situation with Noa and Rion, and… They needed to at least have an idea of what was currently happening.

His mom came into the room, pulling bobby pins out of her bun to let her hair down. She smelled faintly of that antiseptic, hospital smell. She had a casual position as an office admin in the emergency department and picked up shifts that were the opposite of his dad so that someone was always around to watch Noa.

“What’s this about a talk?” his mom said.

“I want to talk to you and Dad for a minute while Noa and Rion get ready for bed,” Peter said. “Let’s just… Actually, I should probably go up and change for bed anyway, so…”

“Sure,” his mom said. “Okay.”

They headed upstairs. Peter was a little hesitant to leave Noa and Rion alone downstairs. But they’d gone to the laundry room together to comfort each other earlier. It was probably fine, as long as they weren’t on their own for too long.

They went up to his parents’ room. It was weird for Peter to be going there to talk. He was grown up and going to college, so he felt like he was invading his parents’ private space. They didn’t come into his room, not without knocking. They respected each other’s privacy.

“So…” Peter began. “A lot has been going on lately. And I was planning on talking to you sooner, but I’ve been busy.”

“Did something happen?” his mom asked.

“A lot of things,” Peter said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’d like to go in detail, but some of it will have to wait. I don’t want to leave Noa and Rion alone for too long.”

“Probably for the best,” his dad said. “What is it? You said Noa had another panic attack and…Rion too? Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“Noa did? And Rion?” Mom added, the concern slipping into her voice immediately. “They seemed okay… Did the new exercises from Dr. Maes work?”

“Yes, actually,” Peter said.

Of course, it hadn’t been perfect. It still took Noa time to calm down and the same could be said of Rion. But Noa did noticeably better this time so Peter considered it a good thing.

“There’s some other things I need to talk about, though,” Peter said. “First of all… Sarina’s been bullying Rion. That’s a whole story on its own and I can’t get into it right now. But it’s really, really bad. She’s been ganging up on him with her friends and they’ve been beating on him. That’s why I told you that we can’t invite Sarina to anything. Noa knows and…he’s not happy.”

“Sarina has been bullying Rion?” Dad repeated.

“That definitely needs more of an explanation, Peter,” his mom added. “I know Sarina was jealous of Rion as a kid, but… Bullying? Beating him? She didn’t seem like that kind of person. That’s…that’s really, really serious.”

“I know,” Peter said. He was relieved that they felt the way he did. “I’ve seen the proof myself. I really can’t get into it right now because it’s a long story that has to do with the friendship bracelets Amber made. It’s been going on for years…”

He stopped and shook his head before continuing, “Look, a lot has happened. I know I told you about the whole bike thing, but… We went to pick it up and, yes, Noa had a panic attack at the lake. Then Rion had one too, right after we got back. And on top of that, when Noa did have his panic attack, Rion said that Noa was hearing things. I don’t know what, but… That’s something that hasn’t come up before.”

“It sounds almost more in line with a flashback. Something like PTSD…” his mom said, frowning.

Sometimes, Peter’s mom seemed to know as much about this kind of thing as Noa’s doctors did, though she never assumed and always let the professionals take the lead. His mom did a lot of reading on the subject. She always had. Part of the bookshelf in the living room was dedicated to self-help books and information on how to deal with relationships and trauma. She’d been reading that kind of thing even before Noa moved in.

Peter had taken an interest in those books after Amber died. He found them useful. They helped him work through his feelings about Amber’s death and they helped him understand Noa better.

“That sounds like something we should bring up with Dr. Maes,” his dad said.

“Definitely,” his mom agreed. “She needs to know. Dr. Maes has mentioned to me that Noa might be dealing with PTSD, considering what he’s been through. And since he’s been so closed off… Flashbacks can feel like you’re reliving trauma all over again. He might be experiencing… I mean…”

She took a breath and was silent for a moment, centering herself. But she didn’t need to say it. They all knew what Noa had been through.

“And Rion had a panic attack too?” his dad said.

“Right after we got back,” Peter replied. “He collapsed right outside. It wasn’t like Noa, where he just freezes and shuts down. Rion went right down on the gravel and curled up into a ball. I got him to work through some breathing exercises and those seemed to work for him… I actually had a talk with him about seeing someone a few days ago. I was going to talk to his dad, but he’s really hard to get a hold of and I’d rather Rion made the decision himself.”

“That’s good,” his mom said. “I’d say that’s the right move. Rion… I haven’t seen him in so long, but… He must be feeling the same as Noa. I never really thought…”

“They both went through the same thing,” his dad said. “Peter, don’t worry about contacting his dad. I’ll do it.”

“You will?” Peter said. “I didn’t want to be pushy, and Rion… I don’t know what he wants.”

“But his dad should know what he’s going through. And it’ll be easier for me to talk to him. We used to hang out. I haven’t heard from Hart in quite a while. Honestly, I’ve been worried.”

“I can see what you mean – this is a lot,” his mom added. “We need to have a more serious talk about this tomorrow; a full discussion.”

He could tell by the look on his mom’s face that this was going to happen no matter what. They were all going to have to sit down and he would need to go into detail. He felt a little bad for bringing it up like this, but he couldn’t keep putting it off.

Noa wasn’t okay and Rion wasn’t okay. And it was too much for Peter to deal with on his own or even with Jesse, Celeste, and Danny. He felt emotionally drained from today alone.

“Yeah. Okay,” Peter said. “I didn’t want to drop it on you like this, but… I don’t want to leave Noa and Rion alone for too long. I just wanted you to know the basics, and… I’ll drop Rion off tomorrow and make sure that he’s doing okay before I go. Then we can talk.”

“Okay,” his mom said and sighed, rubbing her temple. “Noa’s gotten so much better. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe we can finally work everything out. It seemed like he had a good talk with Dr. Maes last Monday, and… If Rion is helping Noa make some progress…”

“We should make sure he’s doing okay too,” his dad said. “Especially if Rion is going through the same thing as Noa.”

They decided to put the conversation on hold there, though Peter had a feeling that his parents were going to be up for a bit, talking things through. Still, he felt better with them knowing. It took some of the pressure off.

When Peter headed back downstairs, Rion and Noa were already comfortably in their sleeping bags, ready for bed. Peter pulled his own over, getting it unzipped and ready before he turned off the lights. He climbed into his sleeping bag in the dark.

“So, I’ll drive you home tomorrow after breakfast, Rion,” he said, lying down. “If that’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “That’s cool. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Peter said. “Are you both good? Do you need anything else?”

“I’m fine,” Rion said.

“Same,” Noa said.

“Okay.”

Peter lay there, eyes open, slowly adjusting to the dark. He could hear his parents moving around upstairs, probably getting ready for bed.

It was weird. He hadn’t slept down here in ages, not since they were all kids. In fact, the last time they did this, he was pretty sure Amber and Danny were here with them and they’d stayed up half the night, whispering things to each other and staying up way later than they should have.

“Hey,” Rion said after a long moment. “Good night.”

“Good night, Rion,” Noa replied.

“Good night,” Peter said.

Chapter 41 – Sarina

Monday, September 27, 2004

Sarina did a lot of thinking over the weekend.

After her conversation with Celeste, she felt guilty. She didn’t want to feel guilty, just like she didn’t want to admit that she’d done anything wrong. But…

She’d overheard the phone call with Peter. Rion had gone out to the lake and hung around the dock after she told him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Of course that wasn’t what she meant! Sarina had just been talking shit! It wasn’t serious and no one should even be thinking that she would want…want Rion to actually… She didn’t want him dead!

But she couldn’t even pin the blame on Rion. She wanted to say that he’d done it on purpose to be dramatic and make her look like an asshole. It wasn’t like he’d actually jumped in the lake, right? But from the sound of it, Jesse had found Rion out there by chance. Rion would’ve had to bike all the way to the lake and that was a lot of effort just to make her look bad…

It made her uncomfortable. The thought that she could say something to Rion and he might take her seriously and hurt himself… She’d never considered it. It didn’t seem like something he’d do. And even though she wanted to dismiss it, it ate away at her insides.

What if she told him to jump off a bridge and he did? Or if she told him to go play in traffic? Yeah, sure, there was an implication there – a suggestion to commit suicide – but who would say that and actually mean it? Only an absolute psycho and that was not who Sarina was.

Even if Rion hurt himself to make her look bad, that…that really wasn’t cool. Because if something happened to him and her name was written all over it, there was no taking anything back. It’d be the ultimate way for Rion to guilt her forever. And…

Sarina didn’t like Rion. She was convinced he was an asshole. But even if she didn’t like him, she didn’t want him dead. She didn’t want him to even think about killing himself. She didn’t want it to be her fault that he did something because…

Sarina wasn’t the bad guy here. She really wasn’t! She couldn’t be…

She spent a long time mulling it over. She distanced herself from her friends, even from Monique, trying to sort out her thoughts and figure out what to do. And, as much as she didn’t like it, she ended up coming to a disappointing conclusion.

She needed to apologize to Rion.

It wasn’t that Sarina was wrong! It was just that…she had gone too far. And if Rion was doing risky shit because of her, then maybe she needed to back off. She wasn’t about to be his friend or anything like that, but…

If she said sorry, maybe they could both go their separate ways and Rion could sort out his shit? Let him be his own problem. Then she could hang out with her friends again and they could do fun stuff. Monique would finally stop calling her boring.

So, she decided to do it on Monday.

Rion was late to school. Sarina waited for him at the front doors and when he finally arrived and spotted her, he grimaced and his whole body slumped. He looked tired and burnt out which was a little weird, considering nothing should have happened over the weekend. He usually only looked like that the next day after Sarina and her friends had a go at him.

Then again, Celeste said that Eric and Kyle were doing shit when she wasn’t around. Had they gone after him this weekend? Maybe she should have a serious talk with those two shitheads…

“What do you want?” Rion said, coming to stop when she took a step towards him.

“To talk,” she said. “Come on. Step aside with me for a second.”

“Not like I have a choice…” he grumbled. “Fine. Whatever.”

Sarina pulled Rion off to the side, out around the side of the school building. They stood near some bushes where there weren’t any people around. Rion kept a couple meters between them and didn’t let her stand between him and the school.

Sarina felt surprisingly anxious. She didn’t expect any of this to bother her but for some reason it did. She had to take a breath, steadying herself. She wished she had a cigarette.

It would be fine. It was just Rion. What did she have to be scared of?

“So,” Sarina said, putting her hands in her pockets. Her breath puffed out in front of her in the crisp, frosty air. “Listen. A lot of shit’s been happening lately, and…you know…I guess I owe you an apology.”

She puffed up, waiting for him to react. She expected a shocked exclamation or maybe even a smile or some sign of relief. Instead, Rion just stared at her.

“Okay,” he said, voice flat.

“Oooookay…?” she repeated, drawing the word out. “Yeah. Um, sure. Okay. So, I’m sorry and, you know… We’re not cool now but, like…we’re cool.”

Rion was still staring at her. It was like he expected something from her. She shifted in discomfort.

“So, yeah,” she continued. “Um… Do I need to say something else? I know I was kind of a dick to you, but… Can we move on and just ignore each other or whatever?”

Rion looked around, glancing back over his shoulder. Then he turned back to Sarina, glaring at her.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m apologizing to you. What does it look like I’m doing?” she said.

“No, like… What is this?” Rion said, holding out his hands. “Eric and Kyle aren’t jumping out from anywhere. Are you trying to make me late for class? I don’t have time for this.”

“Uh, excuse you,” she huffed. “I told you what I’m doing. I’m apologizing.”

“No, you’re not,” he said.

Sarina sputtered. “Wh-what do you mean, I’m not? Yes, I am!”

“You’re not sorry. Why would you be sorry?”

“Because I was kind of a dick to you!”

“Oh, yeah, kind of?” Rion said, rolling his eyes. “If that’s all you wanted to say, I’m going inside. It’s fucking cold out here.”

“No!” Sarina said, darting in front of him, holding her arms out to stop him. “I’m apologizing to you here! Shouldn’t you be a little more grateful? Shouldn’t you be like, ‘Hey. Cool. Apology accepted!’ or something? Come on!”

Rion’s lip curled. “Fuck you, Sarina. Get out of my way.”

“Here I am trying to be nice and you’re acting like a fucking dick!” she snapped. “This is why I don’t like you! You’re such an asshole!”

“Whatever,” he said.

He took a step forward and swatted her arm away.

Sarina wanted to grab at him, swing him around, and hit him. She really, really wanted to. His reaction frustrated her, made her want to lash out. Who the hell was he, trying to brush her off like that?

But she came here to apologize. She remembered everything Celeste said and what she’d heard over the phone.

Sarina had to be the better person. She’d look like a dick if she apologized to Rion and then immediately beat him up. Monique would probably laugh at her again once she found out.

“Well, fuck you too then!” she said, flipping him the bird instead. “Guess I was wasting my breath. I should have known better. You’re just an ungrateful little shit.”

Rion took a couple steps and then stopped. He turned, snarling at her.

“Fuck you, Sarina. Just fuck you,” he snapped. “I don’t want your bullshit ‘apologies’. I don’t want anything to fucking do with you. If you were actually fucking sorry, you would leave me the fuck alone! That’s all I want. If I never saw your face again, it would be way too fucking soon! Fuck off! Please!”

He didn’t wait for her to answer. He turned around and sprinted back to the school. Like a coward.

Sarina scowled bitterly, stuffing her hands back in her pockets.

Normally, she would’ve been pissed. And she was…kind of. There was a knot of frustration buried in the pit of her stomach.

Any other day, she would have wanted to chase after Rion and give him hell. She might have even gone to Eric and complained about Rion being a jerk again. Or Jolie. They would push Rion in the hallways and harass him to get back at him.

But she didn’t feel like that. Not now. She wasn’t justified or angry.

Sarina just felt unhappy and gross. She was unsatisfied, frustrated, and it didn’t make sense. She’d never felt that way before. Why now?

She let out a huff, scuffing her feet in the dirt until she was ready to head back into the school.

Chapter 42 – Jesse

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

“How was Shaun of the Dead?” Danny asked when Jesse sat down at the booth.

“Better than I expected! It’s a great movie; really funny,” Jesse said. “I think you’d love it.”

Peter, Celeste, Danny, and Jesse had all agreed to meet up at the hotel on Wednesday. Peter called them and asked them to go out for coffee. That way they could make more plans to hang out. It was a little out of the blue, but Jesse was happy to come.

“Maybe we should all go together sometime,” Danny said. “Then again…that’s an R rated movie, right? Technically, Noa and Rion are too young… Maybe they could get permission or something?”

“I’m not sure I’d be into a zombie movie…” Celeste said. “I might pass.”

“It’s more of a comedy,” Jesse said, “but that’s fair.”

“And how about your birthday. Did you like your presents?” Peter asked.

Jesse smiled. “Yeah. Thanks, guys.”

Celeste had given him a scarf that she’d knit herself. He had a feeling she must have been working on it for a better part of a month, so he’d really thanked her for it. It even matched his friendship bracelet, though he hadn’t commented on it to Celeste. He was too worried he’d tear up if he did.

Danny had dropped off an apple pie that he’d made with his dad and Jesse had never been happier that they moved back to town. Danny’s dad had legendary baking powers and apple pie was Jesse’s favourite.

Peter had gotten him a set of headphones. They were really nice quality, and he was a little scared to ask how much they cost. He was sure he was going to use them for everything now. Noa had dropped off his gift with Peter – some really detailed dragon drawings. They were cool and coloured with metallics so that the scales glittered. Jesse decided to see about framing them.

Rion’s gift had been left in the mailbox and when he opened it, he found a journal inside. He wished he could thank him for it, but he hadn’t had a chance to see him since.

Of course, his parents had surprised him the most by getting him a cell phone.

Since he was working at the lake and some new cell phone towers had gone up, they decided to get him one so that they could get in contact with him even if he wasn’t at the store. Jesse appreciated it and fiddled with it often, kind of impressed that there was a camera and a little notepad feature built into it. Flipping the phone open and shut was quickly becoming a habit for him. It made him feel cool.

It was a pretty big birthday for him, despite the fact that he hadn’t done much other than go out to see a movie. It was nice having people stop by and wish him well.

“Glad things worked out,” Peter said.

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “So, we’re going to plan another get-together?”

Danny nodded. “Since last time was kinda…not so great, Peter wanted to arrange something else for next weekend, as long as everyone is free.”

“I feel like Noa and Rion need this,” Peter said. “Noa’s completely changed since he started spending time with Rion. He’s not back to his old self but he’s opened up more than he has in years. And Rion’s struggling and needs support. If we have regular get-togethers, I think it will help them both.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Sounds good.”

“Same here,” Danny said. “My weekend is totally free.”

“Mine too,” Celeste added.

“Perfect,” Peter said. “Then we just need a date and time. I already called Rion. He said he would be free this weekend. He even offered to host us, but I was thinking we could get together at my place again. I don’t want to keep hanging out at Rion’s if his dad is hardly ever home.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “We could maybe ask him to bring some of his games over, though. I mean, I like watching movies, but we shouldn’t do the same thing every time.”

“That’s a good idea,” Celeste said. “I might not really be into games, but… I know how much Noa and Rion like them.”

Peter hummed in agreement. “I can ask. If not, we have games at home. There’s some at the store we can rent too. It’s fine.”

“Sounds like a plan, then,” Jesse said.

“Oh. Um… There was one more thing,” Celeste spoke up. “It’s about Sarina…”

They turned to her. She shrunk down in her seat.

“What about her?” Danny said.

“She phoned me the other day… We had a talk. I think she’s feeling guilty. It sounds like she’s having a hard time.”

“She kind of brought that on herself,” Danny said.

“I hope she feels guilty,” Peter added. “She should, after everything she’s done.”

Jesse agreed with them, but he did feel a bit bad for Sarina. She must be hearing about how the rest of them had reconnected. There weren’t any secrets in Misty Meadows. It had to be hard for her, knowing that they were doing things together while she was left out.

But Sarina hurt Rion. She attacked him. That was never going to be okay and none of them could ignore it.

“I know she should feel bad, but… I don’t know,” Celeste said. “I’m trying to be sympathetic, but it’s hard. It sounds like Monique’s been giving her a tough time too.”

“Monique?” Danny said and then grinned. “Yeah, that sounds like her. Good. I’m glad Sarina is still hanging out with her. Monique’s the type of person to speak her mind when it really matters.”

Jesse sat straighter, blinking. “Wha…? Did we know the same Monique? Isn’t she that shy girl who almost never speaks?”

“You clearly never saw her get mad before,” Danny said with a laugh. “She’s been friends with Sarina for forever. We hung out a lot as kids. She was always super, super shy, but when she got pissed, she would explode like a little volcano.”

“She’s more outgoing these days,” Celeste said. “And she’s got very, um…goth fashion now.”

“Goth? Really? Huh,” Danny said. “Wonder if she’s into the music too, or… Well, it’s good to hear that Sarina’s got at least one decent friend.”

“But it sounds like Sarina isn’t getting along with her,” Celeste said.

“It’s probably because Monique is being honest with her. Sarina just doesn’t want to hear it,” Danny said. “That’s what good friends do – they don’t bullshit you. It’s like… That’s why I had to break things off with Sarina. I couldn’t just pretend that I was okay with how she was treating Rion.”

“Yeah…yeah, that’s true…”

“I don’t care what Sarina does as long as she isn’t beating on anyone,” Peter said. “If she feels guilty then good. Maybe she’ll smarten up.”

“And if she does, maybe she can actually apologize to Rion on something,” Danny added.

Celeste opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it and glanced away. Jesse frowned, wondering what she was holding back, but he didn’t have a chance to ask.

“Either way,” Peter continued, “Sarina is on her own. She’ll have to figure herself out. I want to focus on Noa and Rion. I think what we’re doing is working and we need to keep it up.”

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “I mean, I can tell that they have a lot going on, but they seem to be doing better. Like, we’re able to have actual conversations with Noa.”

“He used to only nod or shake his head to questions and hide away in his room,” Peter said. “Now, he’s actually saying yes and no. Even if his responses are short…. It’s a huge improvement.”

“I noticed that too,” Jesse said. “Rion really opens him up. Like, when you guys came over to give me my birthday stuff, Peter. Noa wished me a happy birthday. He didn’t say much else, but… Last year, I don’t think he would have agreed to come over.”

Peter nodded. “He also talks a lot more the second Rion is in the room. And even last time… He pulled Rion aside to try and help him after his panic attack. It’s progress. And if it helps Noa, it’s probably helping Rion too.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “But is it just me or does Rion seem… I don’t want to say that he seems off or whatever. If he’s having panic attacks and stuff, I’d expect him to be, you know, not feeling his best. But doesn’t he seem kind of…unhappy? No, that’s not what I mean. He’s like… A good thing will happen, and we’ll all be encouraging and stuff, but he’s just all tense, and… Is that just me?”

“No, it’s not just you,” Peter said. “But there’s no way to know what’s going on in his head. I only know what I’ve seen and based on that… To me, it seems like he’s overly paranoid about anything that could hurt Noa. Like the friendship bracelets.”

“I noticed that too,” Jesse said. “I don’t want to say that he might have depression, but… Peter, you said you talked to him about seeing someone, right?”

“I did. And he said he’d think about it,” Peter confirmed. “My dad offered to talk to Mr. Blum, actually. We had a long talk. I, uh… I told my parents everything and they weren’t too happy…”

Danny cringed. “Ooooh, like…about Sarina and…?”

“Everything,” Peter said again. “Yes. They know about Sarina, and they know about the panic attacks and even the whole thing that happened at the lake. Mom was upset that I didn’t talk to her sooner.”

“So, your dad is going to talk to Rion’s dad then?” Jesse asked. “About therapy and all that?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “My parents think that even if Rion doesn’t want to go, his dad should still know what’s going on. He probably doesn’t know about Sarina and her bullying, and… Dad says he’s worried about Mr. Blum anyway. They hardly see him these days.”

“I think it’s a good idea for your parents to talk to him,” Jesse said. “They know each other better.”

If Rion’s dad knew what was going on, maybe he’d be home more often. And if Rion would seriously consider some kind of therapy… It made Jesse hopeful that things could work out.

Of course, it would take time. These things were never fast. But admitting there were problems and learning how to deal with them… That would be a huge step in the right direction.

“I guess we’ll have to see how that goes,” Danny said and grinned. “But for now, we’ll worry about hanging out. And hey, if Monique is cool, maybe we could do something with her too.”

“You… Really? You think so?” Celeste spoke up. “It might upset Sarina.”

“There’s nothing stopping us from hanging out with her friends,” Danny said. “I mean, you don’t have to reach out or anything. I can do it myself. Actually, I might like having a conversation with Monique and getting her perspective. We haven’t seen each other in forever.”

“Okay,” Celeste said, blinking. “I mean, I don’t talk to her much, so…”

“That’s cool,” Danny said. “I’m kind of busy this week but maybe next week… Or Sunday. If she’s at church, I’ll see if I can talk to her.”

“Maybe… Don’t invite her to anything right away,” Peter said. “I’d like Rion’s opinion on her first. If she’s done anything to him, I think we should know about it before we start trying to socialize.”

“Oh, yeah. For sure,” Danny said. “We can ask Rion about it this weekend. It won’t be a problem.”

“Hopefully,” Peter said. “I just don’t want to put Rion in a position where he’s forced to interact with one of his bullies.”

Danny pursed his lips. “I don’t think Monique is like that. But if she is, we’ll know and we can handle it.”

“One thing at a time,” Jesse said. “We’ll do the get-together and then see about Monique.”

Peter nodded. “Right. One thing at a time.”

Chapter 43 – Noa

Friday, October 1, 2004

Noa was eager for Friday evening. This time, they were going to hang out at home where it was safe. Peter suggested it and Noa agreed.

Noa had learned from his mistake last time. The lake was dangerous. He shouldn’t – couldn’t – go there.

Even though things were awkward between him and Rion, he needed to see him again. Waiting for time to pass so that they could hang out made the day go by slowly. He was busy in the morning with his aunt, doing schoolwork, but the second he was free, he sat down with his sketchbook and drew several sheets of hands in various poses.

He knew it bothered people. He knew it was weird. But Noa kept his eyes down and noticed people’s bodies before their faces. Especially their hands.

Different people had different gestures and different ways of showing their moods. When Peter was bothered by something, he’d pick at his nails. Celeste fidgeted constantly. Jesse tapped his fingers on things and Danny liked to talk with his hands, waving them all over.

Rion held onto things really hard when something bothered him. When he couldn’t hold onto something, he would clench his hands into fists. Noa always noticed. Rion had long fingers and when he used to play the piano… Noa missed that. His fingers used to move so fast and fluidly… It was pretty.

Hands were expressive. And yes, faces were more expressive, but Noa preferred drawing hands. If he drew someone’s face, especially someone he knew, they would be recognized. Drawing someone’s hands was different. So many people couldn’t tell whose hands were whose.

Noa was brought back to reality when the doorbell rang. He immediately closed his sketchbook, springing to his feet as Aunt Elaine went to get the door. He followed her.

“Hi, Danny,” his aunt said, welcoming him in. “You’re early.”

“I planned on it,” Danny said with a smile, holding up a bag. “Mom sent me here with some stuff. In the move, we found a bunch of old things and we dug up some ancient duplicate pictures that she meant to give you guys. There were some of Amber…”

“Oh! Oh, that’s really nice of her,” Aunt Elaine said. “Come in.”

Danny stepped inside and then smiled and waved. “Hi, Noa.”

“Hi,” Noa said before he could stop himself.

He quickly turned and headed back into the living room. It was getting harder for him to hold his tongue. But really, saying something like ‘hi’ was so innocuous. It was fine, right? It was safe.

He knew he should be more careful. He’d said more than he’d wanted to on Monday when he’d seen Dr. Maes. It was nothing specific, but… He’d tried to explain his difficulties with Rion. Trying to word it ambiguously was hard and she kept asking him questions that threatened to fish out the truth.

“My friend and I had an argument and I’m right, but he won’t listen to me.”

That was the most he could tell her without talking about who said what, without mentioning how serious things were. Even saying which friend or what they argued about…

Noa couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell her what happened, that things were all his fault, or that Rion said…

Noa couldn’t.

Aunt Elaine barely welcomed Danny in when there was someone else at the door. This time, there wasn’t a ring at the doorbell. It was just Peter, coming home from college.

“Hi, Peter,” Aunt Elaine said. “Danny’s here.”

“I’m early,” Danny said.

“Oh, hey,” Peter greeted him. “Sorry. I just have to drop off my stuff in my room.”

“No problem,” Danny said.

“Here, Danny. Why don’t you come in and I'll get you something to drink,” Aunt Elaine said.

Noa retreated back to the couch with his sketchbook while Danny chatted with his aunt. He wanted to see Rion, not anyone else. He didn’t care if they weren’t getting along that well. Rion was Rion.

“Hey,” Danny said as he came back with a glass of water. “How’s it going?”

“Okay,” Noa said.

He’d flipped his sketchbook back to his pictures of hands. He wasn’t drawing anything, just studying the proportions to make sure everything looked right. He wanted to shade them, but he needed to make any corrections or additions first.

“Can I see what you’re working on?” Danny asked.

Noa shrugged and then tilted the sketchbook to show him. He saw the way Danny’s expression shifted as he glanced over the page.

“More hands, huh?” Danny said.

Deciding that maybe it would be mean to stay silent, Noa leaned in a little closer, pointing out a set of hands that were gripping a GameCube controller.

“These are Peter’s,” he said.

“Oh…oh, really?” Danny asked.

“And these are Celeste’s,” Noa said, pointing out another set.

“Did you draw my hands?” Danny asked, a little more interested now.

Noa flipped back a page to point out a hand that was holding a fistful of popcorn. He’d been inspired after they watched movies together.

“Oh, cool! Nice,” Danny said and smiled. He compared his own hand to Noa's art before looking up. “So, you’re drawing the hands of people you like?”

“Not just people I like,” Noa said.

Sometimes he drew his father’s hands or his mother’s hands. Or at least, how he remembered them. Sometimes he drew his own hands, and he didn’t like himself at all.

“That’s pretty neat,” Danny said. “So–”

There was another ring at the doorbell. Noa sprung up again, almost knocking into Danny. He made for the door at the same time as Peter, who was just coming down the stairs. Peter got there a second before him.

This time, it was Rion on the doorstep.

“Hi,” he said with a little wave.

Noa wiggled right past Peter, slipping under his arm so that he could pull Rion into a tight hug. Rion hugged him back, just as tight.

It was the only way Noa could communicate how much Rion mattered to him. He didn’t have the right words to express his feelings, not without saying too much in front of everyone else.

“It’s good to see you too,” Rion said as they pulled away.

“Geez, Noa. You don’t have to run me over,” Peter said.

“Oh! Rion! Hey!” Danny said, having wandered over. “How are you?”

“Okay,” Rion said. “It’s good to see you guys. I brought some games and stuff.”

He was wearing a very full backpack. He pulled it off and Noa took it from him.

“I’ll go put it by the TV,” he said.

“Uh…sure. Okay,” Rion said. “Thanks.”

They got comfortable in the living room. Aunt Elaine made sure everyone had drinks and once they were settled, she disappeared and returned with an old shoebox.

“Here,” she said. “There’s lots of room in this one for more pictures. We can add the ones you brought in here, Danny.”

“Oh, cool! Thanks,” he said, grabbing his bag.

“Pictures?” Rion said.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “We found some old ones in the move. Here.”

He started pulling out envelopes of photos. Most of them were from ’97 or ’98. Noa, who was sitting next to Rion on the couch, leaned into his side. He felt Rion press back against him.

Noa didn’t want to see pictures of Amber. It was uncomfortable. It made his stomach twist in knots just thinking of seeing her.

“You might already have some of these,” Danny said as they opened up the shoebox. “Everyone liked to take pictures of the same stuff, you know?”

“That’s okay,” Aunt Elaine said. “Why don’t we take a look.”

The pictures in the old shoebox were mostly loose, but a few sets were still in the envelopes. They’d probably never been pulled out after being developed.

“These are all from ’97 to ’99,” said Aunt Elaine. “I think we have some good ones here from spring and summer… Oh, Danny, there’s some of you and Sarina jumping into the lake.”

She picked one off the top and showed it to Danny who grinned.

“Yeah, I remember that,” Danny said. “Oh my god, we were so tiny back then! …Oh, yeah. Here! Take a look at these.”

He handed over the envelopes he brought with him. Aunt Elaine accepted them, flipping through the contents.

“Oh, this is… I remember!” she said. “These are from the school Christmas play. We forgot the camera… Danny, it was so nice of Althea to do this. I’m going to have to thank her.”

“It’s no problem,” Danny said.

“There’s some good ones in there,” Peter said, peeking over his mom’s shoulder as she flipped through the pictures. “Oh man, check out Jesse’s bad hair day in that one.”

“That one’s so good!” Danny grinned.

Rion didn’t make a move to look at anything and neither did Noa. Rion smiled stiffly next to him as they looked through everything, adding in a ‘yeah’ or ‘you’re right’ here and there as they talked. Noa stayed silent, looking at anything but the pictures.

There was already a picture of Amber in the living room that he avoided. He didn’t want to look at old pictures of her. It hurt too much.

“There’s a lot of stuff in here,” Danny said, starting to leaf through the old shoebox. “Looks like you’ve got some old packs of photos too. Are they doubles?”

“I think a couple of them are,” Aunt Elaine said. “Here, let’s see… These are doubles for sure. You should maybe take them back to Althea. She can have them if she wants. And…”

Her hand stilled on the next envelope of photos. Noa stared at it, seeing the date hastily scribbled on the outside. Rion tensed, leaning fully into Noa.

“September fourth…” Danny read aloud, looking up with wide eyes. “Were those from the day that Amber…?”

“Most of them didn’t turn out…” Aunt Elaine said. She cleared her throat. “They… Noa and Rion took pictures of the lake that day…”

“There’s a couple of Amber,” Peter added. “But yeah.”

“Oh…really?” Danny said with wide eyes. “So, this was… Oh, ah… Maybe we should just put it back.”

There was an awkward pause. Noa looked down. He could feel eyes on him and he knew why.

Both he and Rion had been in charge of the camera. They’d taken some random pictures. None of them were memorable to him. It was nothing worth looking at, considering what happened that day.

“Can I see?” Rion asked.

Noa turned to him sharply. Why? Why would he want…?

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Peter said.

“It’s just… You said most of them didn’t turn out?” Rion said. “I remember taking pictures, but I didn’t think we used up the whole roll of film. I… Did we mess up the camera, or…?”

“No,” Aunt Elaine said. “It was fine. It might have been… We should put these away.”

“Can I just…” Rion began then hesitated. Noa knew he was going to say something stupid even before the next words came out of his mouth. “I’d like to see Amber.”

No. He didn’t. Neither one of them wanted to see Amber. Noa knew that.

But the others didn’t, and it made them relent.

“Well…okay…” Aunt Elaine said, pulling the pictures out.

Rion accepted them and Danny leaned in, eager for a look. Rion started leafing through them.

Noa tried to understand why Rion wanted to look through those pictures. He felt queasy thinking about it, his thoughts jumbling. Rion lingered just long enough on each picture to seem interested but Noa could tell that he didn’t care about the first handful. There were two that Rion and Noa had taken of each other, and one of them together that Amber had taken.

Seeing his old jean jacket made Noa queasy. He could remember how it felt, how it smelled, how he’d like to burrow into it. He remembered how much he’d liked it, how it was his favourite. He remembered tossing it on the floor and never looking at it again. The fire ate it with the rest of the cabin.

There were a couple shots of Amber. She looked so happy and lively. The sleeves of her red hoodie were pulled up enough to make her intricate friendship bracelet visible, the colours matching Jesse’s. Her pale blue jeans were worn and scuffed at the hem, and she was wearing her old school shoes – white with black stripes… Her long, dark brown hair had been loose that day, falling over her shoulders.

It was the way Noa always remembered her. That was how he’d last seen her. It was his last memory of happy, vibrant, alive Amber, burned into his mind.

Looking at her made him feel so, so horrible.

The next picture was of the lake. It alleviated some of the pressure in Noa’s chest. Then there were two pictures of squirrels on the trail. The trail that…

The next picture was a dark blur, a smear of black and grey.

Followed by the next image – an out of focus weave of blue.

Another with an edge of black on the side, the blue further down, something past that…dark brown?

Noa knew what he was looking at. He understood. In his mind, he heard the rapid-fire clicking as the camera jostled, crushed against Rion’s chest. How had he forgotten? The camera… It…

Rion had stopped going through the pictures. He was staring down at them, eyes too wide, blood completely drained from his face. He turned slightly and their eyes met.

Rion knew, just like Noa did. They both knew what this was.

“Oh, wow. Those ones really are messed up,” Danny spoke up, taking the pictures out of Rion’s hand.

Rion tried and failed to grab them and then did his best to subdue the gesture, staring at Danny unblinkingly while he flipped through the rest of the pictures.

“It’s all blurry… Looks like it went off accidentally or something,” Danny said, frowning as he studied them. “Huh… Well, that happens a lot. I know my brothers and I messed up so many rolls of film that Mom and Dad stopped letting us use the camera. Well, okay, it was mostly Gabe’s fault. He set the standard.”

Danny might have been trying to make them feel better, but it had the opposite effect. Rion sucked in a breath that was painfully sharp.

“There was an accident…” Rion said. “I remember… The camera… I mean, we…”

He was breathing too sharp, eyes darting back and forth. Noa wanted to reach out to comfort him, or maybe to shut him up, but he couldn’t. He was frozen in place, sick to his stomach.

It was there. It was in the pictures.

Why didn’t anyone else see it? How could they look at that and not know what they were seeing? It was so obvious. It was so…

“It’s okay. These things happen,” Aunt Elaine said, taking back the pictures from Danny. She put them away in a hurry, sparing Rion a concerned look. “Are you okay? You’re pale.”

“Oh! Oh, I’m… I’ll be fine,” Rion said. “Maybe you were right. That was a bit much.”

“Don’t overdo it,” Peter told him, frowning. “If you’re not ready for something then you’re not ready.”

“Yeah…yeah, right,” Rion said, looking down.

His gaze was distant. Noa knew where his mind was. They were thinking the same thing.

“Noa? Are you okay too?” Peter asked.

Noa nodded but turned away. He couldn’t look Peter in the eye, not right now. He was nauseous, afraid he might throw up if he tried to speak.

He kept his eyes down, feeling overcome by the familiar heavy weight of self-loathing. He tried not to be sick or cry or show any sign of being upset, even while everything inside him fought back, the guilt hungry for control.

Noa was not okay. He was not okay at all.

Chapter 44 – Danny

Friday, October 1, 2004

“I’m going to head out and grab some things from the store,” Mrs. Murphy said, pulling on her coat. “I forgot to pick up snacks for tonight. They were on the grocery list the other day, but… Did you need anything else?”

“It should be fine,” Peter said. “I think we’re good.”

“Okay. I should only be about fifteen minutes,” she said. “I’m just going to walk down and come back.”

“See you, Mrs. Murphy,” Danny said with a smile and a wave.

They’d already put away the pictures. Noa and Rion had gotten all weird about them, so it seemed like the right thing to do.

Actually, Danny was more than a little worried. Rion went white as a sheet and Noa… Noa was just sitting there, eyes down, not saying anything. Danny was pretty sure he wasn’t even blinking. Was that okay? Was that healthy?

Danny hadn’t meant for them to get upset. If he’d known that pictures from the day Amber died were in there, he wouldn’t have started going through everything. He felt like it was his fault, even though there was no way for him to have known…

He wanted to help Noa and Rion, not hurt them.

When Mrs. Murphy left, it was just the four of them.

“Are you really okay?” Peter asked Noa and Rion.

“Yeah,” Rion said faintly but he didn’t look up at Peter. He had his arms crossed, hands fisted in the material of his sleeves. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just… Yeah. We should… We should do something. Put on a movie or play a game or… Anything.”

“I don’t know,” Danny said. “Maybe we should chat for a bit? Wouldn’t want to get started too soon. The others are still on their way.”

“Oh, yeah… I guess… Yeah, sorry,” Rion said.

Peter sat down next to him. “Are you sure you’re fine? You’re really distracted. You don’t look okay.”

“I just didn’t… I thought I could handle those pictures, but it was a bit much,” Rion said, pausing to raise a hand and scrub at his face. “I’m okay. I just… I need to breathe.”

“Do you want water? Tea?” Peter asked. “Hot chocolate?”

“Maybe water,” Rion said.

“How about you, Noa,” Danny added. “Are you okay?”

Noa didn’t look up. He didn’t move. He didn’t do anything.

“Noa?” Peter said, trying again.

Finally, Noa blinked and looked up at him.

“Earl grey. Hot,” he said.

Peter relaxed a little, smiling faintly, reassured. “Okay. Got it.”

“Let me help,” Danny said. “I could go for a drink too.”

Peter hesitated. Danny was sure he knew why. Even he wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable leaving Noa and Rion alone in the living room together. But the others would be here soon. Mrs. Murphy would come back. It wouldn’t be for long.

And Danny wanted to talk.

“Okay,” Peter finally said.

They stepped into the kitchen and Peter kept one eye on the doorway to the living room. There were glasses laid out on the countertop for them to use this evening and Danny grabbed two. He poured Rion’s water from the water dispenser, filling his own cup with water too.

“They are not okay,” he whispered to Peter.

“I know that,” Peter whispered back. “I had no idea those stupid pictures were in there. We’ll just have to distract them or something…”

“Games,” Danny said. “Rion suggested it. They’re interactive.”

“Actually…maybe. When you put it like that, it sounds like a great idea.”

“Games are always a great idea.”

Peter turned the kettle on, grabbing a cup and tea bag for Noa. But that was as far as he got before the phone ran. He stepped over and picked it up.

“Hello? Murphy residence,” Peter said, like a professional. “…Celeste? You… Oh. Okay.”

He was silent for a moment. Danny hovered nearby, sipping at his water. He couldn’t quite make out what Celeste was saying, but she sounded apologetic.

“No, don’t walk. I can pick you up,” Peter said. “Mom walked down to the store. I can drive out, grab you, and bring you back here. It’s supposed to snow tonight so it’ll be cold…”

He paused again. “Yes. I’ll see you in a bit. Bye.”

“You’re going to go pick up Celeste?” Danny asked as Peter hung up the phone.

“She’s having car troubles,” Peter said. “It won’t start. She was going to walk here from the farm, but I offered to drive her. It’s a long walk just to hang out and I don’t want her going back alone in the dark. Never know when a pack of coyotes might show up.”

“Do you think that’s okay with…?” Danny began and then jerked a thumb in the direction of the living room.

“It’s fine if you stay here,” Peter said. “Mom is probably already on her way back, and Jesse will be here any second. Just…”

He glanced back and lowered his voice to a whisper again.

“Noa and Rion should be okay. I think we’ve seen the worst of their breakdowns. If something happens, get Rion to breathe and ask Noa about his senses.”

“Senses?” Danny repeated, confused and more than a little anxious.

“Ask him what he sees and hears and feels,” Peter said. “Get him to name the things around him. That helped out at the lake.”

“I’m not sure…” Danny said. “Couldn’t we wait until someone else comes back? I mean…”

It wasn’t that Danny didn’t think he could help. He was just overwhelmed at the idea that Noa or Rion might have a panic attack and he’d have to deal with it alone. Peter was the expert when it came to this kind of thing. Danny didn’t know anything about anything.

“Someone will be here in less than ten minutes,” Peter said, sure of himself. “The sooner I go and get Celeste, the sooner I can get back. I know you can handle it, Danny. You’re a great guy and Noa and Rion are both close to you. I doubt anything will even happen.”

“I…well…okay,” Danny agreed reluctantly. He couldn’t even be flattered by the ‘great guy’ comment, too worried about what might happen. “I don’t want you to drive recklessly, but please come back soon.”

“Okay,” Peter said.

The water had boiled so Peter poured it into Noa’s mug. Danny grabbed his and Rion’s water and they brought the drinks out.

When they came into the living room, they found Noa and Rion with their heads bowed, close together. They were whispering something to each other, but they both quickly straightened when Danny and Peter came back into the room. Noa’s expression was blank, cold, and Rion’s cheeks were flushed an embarrassed red.

Uh… What was that about?

“Drinks,” Peter said, either not noticing or not caring about the interaction. He set Noa’s tea down on the coffee table in front of him, the tea bag still in the cup. “I’m going to head out really quick and pick up Celeste. She’s having car troubles.”

“Oh,” Rion said, blinking at him owlishly. “But you’ll be back soon?”

“Before you know it,” Peter said. “Danny’s staying. If you have any trouble, just try to hold on for a bit. I’ll be back soon. Mom and Jesse are probably on their way right now.”

“I… Okay,” Rion said, accepting his water from Danny. “Oh, thanks.”

“No problem,” Danny said.

He tried to smile but it felt too stiff on his face. He didn’t like this. He had a bad feeling, a gut instinct like something was wrong. He didn’t know what it was, but…

Danny had felt this way for a while. Something was off, askew. It started when he moved back, when he first ran into Rion. Something wasn’t right and he had no idea what it was.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” Peter said.

He headed out and then it was just the three of them. Noa and Rion didn’t say anything. They weren’t even looking at each other. They seemed…tense?

“So, um… How about some games?” Danny asked. “We could do Mario Kart or something.”

Noa didn’t move or speak.

“…Not really in the mood,” Rion said, turning his water around in his hands before setting it on the coffee table next to Noa’s tea. “Sorry.”

“That’s… Cool. Fine. Yeah,” Danny said. “Want to put on TV or something? You guys got satellite, right Noa? There might be something on…I don’t know…YTV?”

Noa gave a small shrug. Rion looked at him and then glanced down, heaving a breath.

“Maybe… I don’t know,” he said. “Sorry, Danny. I was stupid and asked to see those pictures, and… I shouldn’t have.”

Danny raised his hands, ready to insist that it was fine. “No, no–”

“That’s right. You shouldn’t have.”

Noa cut him off. His voice was low and… Oh. Oh, he was mad.

Danny could only really tell because of Noa’s tone when he spoke. He was still turned away, still not moving, his expression as blank as before. But now that Danny was actually focused on him, he could see how tense Noa was.

“Noa, I’m sorry,” Rion said. “I didn’t know…”

“The camera was around your neck,” Noa said. “How could you not know.”

Rion raised his hands up, struggling with his words. “I didn’t remember. I didn’t… It’s not like I took those pictures! I wasn’t trying to! It… The camera… It was pressed up against my chest and it…”

“And you magically forgot that it took those pictures?” Noa snapped.

“Whoa. Whoa, whoa,” Danny said, holding up his hands. “Let’s… Come on. Let’s not fight. Okay?”

Honestly, he was shocked. He’d never heard Noa and Rion use this tone with each other, especially not Noa. And he had no idea what they were talking about either. The pictures? The ones from earlier? Like… The blurry ones? Why were they arguing about it?

“Danny’s right,” Rion said. “We shouldn’t fight.”

“We’re going to,” Noa said. “It keeps happening. Again and again and again. And it’s my fault and you won’t let me take the blame for anything.”

“Because nothing is your fault!” Rion said. “You never did anything wrong!”

“Stop saying that! You know it’s not true!” Noa said.

“Guys… Come on… Please,” Danny said weakly, holding up his hands.

He’d been expecting a breakdown at worst, not whatever this was. Why were they yelling? Danny was totally lost.

“Stay out of it!” Noa snapped at him and Danny was rendered speechless. Noa had never, ever spoken to him like that before. “You don’t know anything!”

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Rion said. “If you want to be angry then be angry at me, not Danny.”

“I’m not angry at Danny!” Noa snapped back. “And I’m only angry because…because… Fuck!”

Danny could only stand there, staring wide-eyed. Swearing? Noa was…swearing? Noa?

“We can’t do this right now,” Rion said, getting to his feet. “Everyone is coming here. They’ll be here any second. Do you really want everyone to see us like…like this?”

“Why not?” Noa said, springing to his feet, hands balled up. “It’s the truth. This is reality. I’m this awful, horrible, terrible, evil person and it’s about time that everyone realized it and started hating me!”

“That’s not true at all!” Rion said. “Noa–”

“I should be dead!” Noa cut him off, not letting him speak. “I should have been drowned in a bathtub years and years ago! My parents were right–!”

“No! No, never!” Rion said. “Don’t say that! Don’t–! Please!”

He tried to reach out but Noa smacked his hand away as hard as he could.

“Don’t touch me!”

They both stood there for a long moment, breathing hard. Danny was frozen, watching. He had no idea what to do, trying to catch up with everything that was going on, his mind racing. This was… What was even happening?

And then Noa moved. He stormed past Rion, into the kitchen. Rion darted after him.

“Noa!” Rion called out.

Danny somehow managed to get his feet working. He hurried to follow them, stopping in the kitchen doorway. Rion had blocked off the way to the hall that led to the laundry room and the downstairs bathroom. Noa glowered at him, slinking over to the counter, leaning against it, his whole posture defensive.

“Guys?” Danny said, his voice sounding small to his own ears. “What’s…? You’re freaking me out. Can’t we…can’t we just chill out until the others get here?”

“I would, Danny, but I have to make sure that Noa doesn’t hurt himself,” Rion said.

“Hurt myself?” Noa said. “That’s why you’re blocking the way to the bathroom? As if I can’t hurt myself anywhere?”

Rion opened his mouth and closed it again, breathing hard through his nose. Noa gripped the countertop. He was shaking, but Danny was pretty sure it was from anger.

“Seriously…please stop,” Danny said. “This… Let’s… Please.”

“Danny’s right,” Rion said. “Danny’s right, Noa. We both know it. Let’s just calm down…”

“No,” Noa said. “No, I can’t. I want space. I want you to leave me alone. And I can’t go up to my room because Amber’s is… Her door is right there. I see it every day. It makes me crazy, and I can’t… Just go away. Leave me alone.”

“Please…” Rion said. “I’m worried about you.”

“Didn’t I tell you to stop protecting me? Stop protecting me!”

“I can’t, Noa!”

“Just leave me alone!”

Noa flung out an arm, sweeping his hand across the countertop, and–

Glasses were sent flying across the kitchen. They came crashing to the ground, hitting the floor. One survived the fall but three shattered completely, sending shards of glass skittering all over.

Danny jumped. Instinctively, he wanted to rush forward but he took off his shoes when he came into the house. He only had socks on. Rion froze, wide eyed, hands held out, not moving either.

And Noa crumpled. He put his hands over his head and sunk down on his knees in the glass. He was trembling, shivering, breathing too hard. And a second too late, Danny realized he was crying.

“Noa…” Danny said.

“Go away…” Noa said in a small voice. “Go away, go away, go away, go away…”

“I can go away,” Rion said slowly. His hands dropped and his shoulders sunk down. “I can… I did it once. I can do it again. I can go away forever. If that…if that will make you stop… If that’s what you really want…”

“That’s not what I want,” Noa said, folding himself down even smaller. “I want Amber back…”

Danny’s vision swam. He had to take a breath, remind himself what was happening and where they were. He tried to speak but his throat was too dry. The words stuck.

“I want Amber back too,” Rion said. He looked ready to cry himself, his eyes wet. “Every day, I regret what happened. Every day, Noa. And I know you feel the same. That’s… I hate it. You hate it. I'm… I’m just tired.”

Noa was silent for a long moment. He reached up to wipe away some tears with his sleeve.

“I wish I’d never been born,” he finally said.

“Please…” Rion said. “Please don’t say that.”

“I hate this,” Noa said. “Everything’s my fault, and… My mother… My father…. If I had drowned when I was little, Amber would’ve lived. I never would have come here. I never should have… It’s me. I’m the problem. I’ve always been the problem.”

“No, you’re not. Noa, if I hadn’t come to the cabin that day, Amber would have lived. It was me, not you,” Rion said and now he really was crying, tears streaking his face. “She loved you. She loved you, and that’s why…”

“You don’t get it, Rion,” Noa said. “No one gets it. I ruin everything. I kill everything. I’m just like my father.”

“That’s not true,” Rion said. “It’s not. Noa…”

“I just want everything to stop,” Noa said, pressing his hands down harder on his head. “I just want everyone and everything to go away and it never does and I hate it.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“You don’t… Noa, no!”

Noa reached out and grabbed a large chunk of one of the broken glasses from the floor. Danny tensed, breath catching, totally unprepared for any of this. Rion was holding out his hands again, his expression wild.

“Put that down,” Rion said. “Noa. Put it down. Now.”

“No,” Noa said.

Rion sucked in a breath and started walking, crunching over broken glass in his socks. He hissed out in pain but kept going, grimacing, legs shaking.

“Rion! Wait!” Danny said, finding his voice. “Wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop!”

Noa looked up at Rion, his whole body tensing up, his grip on the glass tightening. He was bleeding, the glass digging into his palm, blood dripping down his wrist.

“If you won’t stop, I’ll make you stop,” Rion said to Noa.

“You’re the one who…” Noa began, pushing himself up to stand, unsteady on his legs, gasping when he stepped on glass. “You–! No!”

“I can’t let you hurt yourself… I can’t…” Rion said. “I can’t let you.”

“Just stop!” Noa hissed through clenched teeth.

“Hold on!” Danny said but it was too late. He was useless. He was helpless. “Wait!”

Rion lunged, trying to grab at Noa’s hand to get at the glass. Noa whipped it away, jerking it dangerously past his own face. But Rion didn’t give up, reaching desperately, throwing himself forward.

Rion slipped and they crashed down on the floor together. Shards of glass crunched and scattered beneath them.

“Noa?! Rion?!” Danny shrieked.

He wanted to dive in and pull them apart but there was so much glass, and…

Rion managed to grab hold of Noa’s wrist, pulling the glass shard towards himself. Noa wrestled him for it on the floor, pushing Rion down. They were a desperate tangle of limbs, rolling through glass.

Danny didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to turn away for a second. But something in his head screamed at him that standing there was useless. There was nothing he could do, except–

Danny bolted for the phone in the living room. Gritting his teeth, hating turning his back on the other two, he picked up the handset. With shaking fingers, he dialed 911 before glancing back.

Rion and Noa were still grappling with each other on the kitchen floor. There were splashes of red mixed in with the broken glass.

“Nine-one-one, where is your emergency?”

Chapter 45 – Rion

Friday, September 4, 1998

Their day at the cabin started out great, despite the talk Rion had with Amber earlier.

They went down to the beach and took a few pictures, hanging out. They took a walk along the shore and Noa found a cool rock that he’d taken back to the cabin when they returned for supper. Amber made hot dogs. After, they helped her move the couches so that there would be more room tomorrow when everyone showed up.

They wound down. Noa and Rion played Game Boy together until Rion’s batteries died unexpectedly. They didn’t have any extras so Noa put his game away too until they could play together. Because Noa was cool like that.

Knowing that the gaming was done, Amber suggested a walk along the path out back so that they could take more pictures and get some fresh air. The sun was starting to hang low in the sky when they headed out. Amber made them bring their jackets even though it was still warm out.

It was a dry autumn day. The leaves had already fallen and covered everything. They crunched loudly underfoot and both Rion and Noa couldn’t resist kicking at the bigger piles. Rion had the camera dangling from the strap around his neck and had to keep reminding himself to be careful with it when jumping around.

The trail looped behind the cabin and soon they were getting close to the end of their walk. The path was on a hill and sloped gently down the long side, through a row of caraganas, and then back to the main road. It meant they had to circle around to the front, even though they could see the cabin roof from there, just a few meters away.

The hill itself had a really steep slope, almost a drop, that ended right behind the Murphy cabin. There were lots of trees and bushes, making it hard to see the way down even with most of the leaves already scattered on the ground.

Rion thought about taking a picture of the cabin from behind, but he didn’t want to get too close to the edge. He fiddled with the lens cap, turning it around, feeling special since he was the one carrying it.

As cool as it was, it was really heavy. His neck was getting sore. Maybe he should give it to Noa until they got back. They’d been passing it back and forth all day…

“Hey,” Amber spoke up, slowing to a stop. “Noa, can I talk to you about some serious stuff?”

Noa, who’d been walking next to Rion, stopped and looked up at her. Rion stopped too, but his grip on the camera tightened.

Serious stuff? She wasn’t… Amber wasn’t going to…

“Uh… Sure, I guess,” Noa said. “What is it?”

“Well… Okay, this is going to sound kind of bad,” Amber said. “I saw some stuff in your private sketchbook. It was an accident and I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t going to say anything, but I noticed some things, and… I’m worried.”

Noa wasn’t happy about that. He looked down, shuffling his feet.

Rion understood. Noa had shown him some of the stuff in his private sketchbook. Rion was uncomfortable looking at it. He tried not to think about it, reassuring himself that Noa probably wouldn’t hurt himself if he could draw and get his feelings down on paper. It helped him and that was a good thing.

Noa promised he would try to talk to Rion first when he felt bad. He’d pinky promised.

“You’re not supposed to look,” Noa said.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Amber said. “I just need to ask…are you hurting yourself?”

She already knew the answer. She knew the truth. And it was Rion’s fault.

He looked down, guilty, heart hammering in his chest. He felt horrible. Why had he answered Amber? That kind of stuff was supposed to be private. Noa trusted him to keep a secret. He didn’t think Amber would do this. Why…?

He snuck a glance at Noa, afraid of his reaction. Noa was frowning at Amber.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jean jacket.

“It does. It really does,” Amber said. “I…I saw some things in your room.”

“You went through my stuff?” Noa asked, voice rising, hurt.

“Because I was worried,” Amber said. “And I was right to be worried. Matches, Noa? Where did you get those? They weren’t even hidden. They were on your nightstand last week.”

Rion turned his gaze back down, staring at his sneakers. He felt so awful. He knew about the matches. He knew about the kinds of things Noa did to himself. It wasn’t just burning himself, but pinching, scratching, hair pulling… Noa told him everything. Rion had even seen some of it, a little. Mostly the hair pulling and the scratching. Rion hadn’t told Amber about all of that, but…

Noa tensed, crossing his arms and looking away.

“I have matches. So what?” he said. “I found them.”

“Noa, you’re scaring me,” Amber said. “You’re really, really scaring me. You know that hurting yourself is bad, right? Burns can leave scars, and… Please talk to me. I want to help.”

“You can’t,” Noa said, voice strained. “You can’t help. There’s… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“How would you feel if I hurt myself?” Amber asked. “Or if Peter did? Or Rion? Would that be okay?”

“No!” Noa said emphatically.

“That’s how I feel. It’s bad,” Amber said. “What’s going on? What’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

But instead, Noa sent a pleading look in Rion’s direction. Rion bit his lip and looked away, feeling horribly guilty. It was his fault they were having this conversation.

“I… I don’t…” Rion began, trying to think of something he could say, some way he could support Noa. “I don’t think Noa wants to talk about it…”

“He’s never going to want to talk about it, Rion,” Amber said. “And I understand that. I really do. But I want to help.”

“Can’t we go back to the cabin?” Noa said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I can’t just ignore it,” Amber said. “I can’t pretend this isn’t happening. This is serious, Noa!”

“It’s fine!” Noa said, sinking into his jean jacket. “I deserve it.”

“What? No, you don’t,” Amber said. “Why would you think that?”

With his face tucked so far into his jacket, Noa began to nibble on the collar for some form of comfort. He looked like he wanted to hide and shut down. And Rion felt the same, standing there with Amber confronting Noa like this… It was really, really uncomfortable.

Amber tried again. “Noa–”

“My mother was right about me,” Noa said, voice low. He hunched his shoulders, fidgeting with the cuffs of his jacket. “Everyone says…everyone says that she was a good person… So that has to mean she was right.”

“What? Aunt Wendy?” Amber said. “What do you mean?”

“She… I was wrong. All the time. She always got mad at me for everything over and over,” Noa said. “She knew I was bad and wrong. And my father… I don’t remember him doing anything bad. I don’t remember… But if he was evil like people say he is, then I must be evil too.”

“That…that’s not true at all,” Amber said. Her voice wavered. She was tearing up. “You’re not evil. Don’t say that.”

“I have to be,” Noa said. “People talk about my father all the time. They… Everyone says he tried to kill me. If he would do that to me… And Mother… She…she was always so mad at me and everything I did was always wrong. I’m bad. I know I am, and… No one punishes me anymore. I have to do it myself. I have to make it right somehow.”

“Noa, you don’t need to be punished,” Amber said. “That’s bad. That’s wrong. You’re good–”

“But I’m not, though!” Noa said, raising his voice. “I’m not! I look like my father. I’m…I’m different from everyone, and… I only remember him being nice to me and if I think he’s nice then I must be worse than him somehow.”

“That’s not it at all!” Amber said. “And it’s no reason to hurt yourself! When you hurt yourself, you hurt the people who love you! You can’t do that…”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Noa said, his shoulders nearly up to his ears in discomfort. “I want to go back to the cabin.”

He started walking. Rion followed him but Amber hurried ahead, cutting them off.

“No! Wait!” she said. “Noa, we are not done this conversation.”

“Just stop!” Noa said. “Leave me alone!”

“I won’t leave you alone!” she said. “I can’t just ignore the fact that you’re hurting yourself! Fire is really dangerous too! It would be way too easy for things to get out of control! So many things could go wrong–”

“Shut up! I know!” Noa snapped.

Rion jumped, startled. He’d never heard Noa tell anyone to shut up before, especially not his cousin. Noa tried to walk away a second time but Amber darted ahead of him again. She grabbed him by the arm.

“Noa! Stop!”

“Let go of me!”

He shoved her, trying to get his arm free. Amber stumbled back–

Her foot slipped over the side of the path.

Amber let out a strangled yelp, sliding backwards on the heel of her sneaker, but the sound was cut short as she crashed backwards into a tree. There were several horrible cracks, branches snapping at the force of her fall, and then–

She was gone.

Rion hurried over, leaning over the edge of the slope. He couldn’t see Amber, but he could hear her slide straight down through the leaves, crackling through the underbrush. And then he couldn’t hear her anymore. He couldn’t hear anything.

It was silent.

Rion stood there, waiting for…something. He didn’t know what. Noa took a hesitant step forward. Then another. He stopped next to Rion, looking over the edge.

They both stood, looking down at nothing.

Was that real? It didn’t feel real. It happened so fast. Amber was there and then she was gone. What happened?

“Amber?” Rion called out.

There was no answer.

Rion turned to Noa, who was staring down, wide eyed. Then he looked down the slope again. He couldn’t see or hear Amber moving. He couldn’t hear anything except the wind.

“A-Amber?” he tried again. “Are you okay?”

Silence.

“Maybe… Maybe she’s unconscious?” Rion said, his voice dropping to barely above a whisper. “She… She must be… I mean… She’s okay. She just… She slipped and fell…”

“I pushed her,” Noa said.

“Yeah, but…but her foot slipped. I saw it,” Rion said. “She… It’s not that far down. She…she’s gotta be okay.”

Noa didn’t say anything. The silence was becoming too loud in Rion’s ears. He couldn’t stand here and not say anything.

“She hit the tree. She… Did you see if she hit her head?” Rion continued. “I thought I saw… That…that could have knocked her out. We should… We should go and… She needs help.”

But his body didn’t want to move. His legs were rooted firmly in place. He wanted Amber to call back to them, to say something. Even if she started crying or…anything. It was too quiet. Why was it so quiet?

Noa reached out, grabbing hold of a tree branch. Then he stepped off the edge, sliding down, putting his weight on a root that stuck out. He began to slowly work his way down, half sliding precariously. The underbrush snagged him, but he pushed it aside and kept going.

Rion didn’t want to go down that way. It looked too steep. But Noa was doing it, so…

He did his best to follow. Rion’s feet kept sliding around in the wrong directions. There were too many leaves on the ground and it was so, so steep. More than once he slipped, barely managing to catch himself from sliding the rest of the way down or narrowly avoiding running into Noa. And when he didn’t slip, he was tripping over dead branches and stubbing his toes on rocks. The camera weighed heavily on his chest as he leaned back, careful not to get the strap caught on his way down.

They finally made it to the bottom. They were both dirty and sore, their hands raw and sticky from the few sap-covered pines they braced themselves against. Rion’s heart was leaping in his chest and his breaths were coming out ragged and shaky.

They found Amber.

She was sprawled in the leaves, her hair a tangled mess, covering her face. She was on her back, covered in dirt, twigs, and leaves. She wasn’t moving. She was just…there…like that.

“Amber…?” Noa said, taking a hesitant step closer. “Are you…are you okay? I… I’m sorry that I… Amber?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t move.

“Sh-she must… He has to be knocked out,” Rion said. “She has to…”

Noa looked around, his gaze settling on Rion. His eyes were too wide, his skin too pale, ashen.

“We…we can’t leave her like this,” Noa said. “We can’t… The sun is setting, and… It’ll get cold. She… What do we do?”

Rion flexed his hands at his sides. Yeah, Noa was right. It was going to get cold. They couldn’t just let Amber lay there like that. They had to do something. They had to…

“We need to get her into the cabin,” Rion said. “We have to… We need to carry her.”

He turned to the cabin. It was right there, just a few meters away. It was so close. They just needed to take her around front and get her through the door. They hadn’t locked it when they left so it would be easy. A lamp was on in the living room. It would be warm and safe inside, and… They had to get in there.

“She’s…she’s too heavy,” Noa said. “We can’t… How?”

“We can do it together,” Rion said. “We can… Um… Here. You take her… You… I’ll grab her legs and you…”

“…Okay…”

Rion moved, scooping up Amber’s legs, hooking her knees over his arms and hugging them. Noa went to the other side, lifting her under the arms, her head tucked against his chest.

They raised Amber up together. They were both straining from her weight as they heaved her up. It was awkward and she was so heavy.

Rion’s heart pounded. He was scared he would drop her. He held onto her as tight as he could. Noa’s expression was pinched as he struggled from the effort. But they managed to lift her and started to walk, carrying her as carefully as they could while they crunched through the leaves.

Amber was warm in Rion’s arms, her limbs limp, swaying with every motion. That meant she was okay, right? That meant she was fine. She was just unconscious, like in movies and TV shows.

He kept telling himself things would be okay as they struggled along. The camera was bunched up against his chest, digging into him uncomfortably, the lens pressed against Amber’s knees. The cap had come off on the slide down the slope, dangling off its thin cord, and Rion could care less about getting it back on.

They made it to the front of the cabin. Rion went first, almost dropping Amber’s legs as he frantically tried to turn the doorknob. He finally got it, stumbling back into the cabin when the door swung inwards.

The camera jostled at the movement, scrunched between Rion’s chest and Amber’s knees. And suddenly, it started clicking and whirring like crazy.

“What is that?!” Noa said.

“The camera! It’s just the stupid camera…” Rion huffed. “Just… Come on. The couch.”

Rion struggled the rest of the way with Noa, but they managed to get Amber onto the couch. She was dead weight and almost slipped to the floor when they set her down on the edge. Rion had to shove and push her the rest of the way onto the couch. Then he went to close the front door, still trying to catch his breath.

The camera had gone silent, but Rion didn’t care. He couldn’t care. He put his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths, grimacing. It felt like his chest was bruised and he was all sweaty and gross…

“…Rion…?”

Noa’s voice sounded weird, high and tight in the back of his throat. Rion looked up.

He stared at Noa, his breath catching.

There was a dark smear across the front of Noa’s jacket. It was glistening, wet, dark red. Noa’s hands were covered in it too. He’d reached up to try and wipe it away–

Blood. It was blood.

“Are you okay?!” Rion said, nearly tripping as he tried to straighten and step forward at the same time. “Did you get hurt sliding down the hill?!”

“No…” Noa said, his voice still off. “It’s…it’s Amber…”

Rion looked at Noa and then to Amber, who was lying on the couch. He didn’t see any blood on her. She looked… Well, she didn’t look okay, but… She wasn’t bleeding.

“She… I don’t see anything?” Rion said.

“Behind… She… Her… The other side,” Noa said, struggling. He was tearing up, starting to shake, holding out his bloodied hands, trying to keep them away from himself. “The back of her…of her head…”

Rion reached out to try and turn her head but recoiled when he felt something hot and wet in her hair. He pulled his hand back sharply, his fingers coated in the same dark red blood.

Rion stared at his own hand, overcome with sudden vertigo. He was lightheaded, dizzy, and his vision danced. A chill went through him, and he stumbled several steps back. The floor felt like it was dropping out from under his feet.

Amber was bleeding. She was bleeding. It was her head. She must have hit it. Was it the first tree when she fell back? Was it…was it something else, from when she fell down the slope? A rock? What…what did that…? How…? How did it happen? How bad was it?

But… No. No, it had to be a mistake or a bad dream or… Amber couldn’t be hurt that bad! Noa hadn’t pushed her that hard! She had slipped! The slope wasn’t even that high up and Noa and Rion had climbed down by themselves. Amber had to be fine. She had to be! She had to be…

“I killed her.”

Rion slowly looked up at Noa, his bloody fingertips still raised. Just like Noa’s hands.

“What?” Rion said, his mind not able to keep up.

Noa was staring down at Amber. He was horrified, trembling, eyes shining with tears.

“I killed her,” Noa said again. “I killed Amber. I killed her. I… Rion… She was worried about me…and I…”

“Sh-she might not be dead,” Rion said. “She might not be… She’s bleeding, but… We don’t know… It might not be that bad.”

But Rion didn’t want to check and see. He didn’t want to look at any more blood. The thought alone made him nauseous and dizzy.

What if it was really bad? What if…? What if there was all this blood, and Amber…? What if he turned her head and saw…?

No. He didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t.

“She’s not moving,” Noa said, tears slipping down his cheeks. “Rion… She’s dead.”

“She can’t be,” Rion said. “She… It’s not… No…”

He’d seen people check pulses and do CPR in movies and shows but Rion didn’t know how to do it himself. He didn’t know how to tell if she was alive. Was she breathing? He couldn’t even tell that much. Amber was so still…

Rion had experience with death, but it was different with his mom. He could remember the rain and the thunder, bright flashes of electricity and a sharp, angry crackling and hissing… But he didn’t remember seeing what happened to his mom. Her body… He hadn’t seen it. He didn’t know what a corpse looked like.

Was this what it was like? Was Amber really…?

Noa was wiping shaking hands over his jean jacket, trying to get the blood off. Rion realized his fingers were still wet, the blood starting to feel cold. He should really wipe that off too, like Noa. It was gross. It was creepy. It was making him sick.

“I killed her,” Noa said, repeating it like a mantra while he clenched his fingers tight in his jacket. “I killed her. I killed her.”

Looking down at himself, Noa grimaced and then, almost frantic, started to take off the bloody jacket, struggling to get out of it. He tossed it aside on the floor and then stared at his hands. There was still blood on them.

Rion stumbled over to the kitchen across the way. He scrubbed his hands clean in the sink and then grabbed a cloth, wetting it. He went back to Noa and started helping him clean his hands off. Noa was standing there, letting it happen, his whole body shaking.

“It’s my fault,” Noa said, voice wavering.

“It’s not,” Rion said. “It’s not. She… No…”

But Noa wasn’t listening. He pulled his hands free and turned away from Rion, sliding down to the floor next to the couch. He leaned into it, pressing his face into Amber’s shoulder. His whole body started quivering with little tremors and Rion realized he was crying.

And then Rion was crying too. But he wasn’t quiet like Noa. Rion was overwhelmed by grief and fear and… Soon he was standing there, choking on sobs that shook his whole body. He dropped the wet cloth, hugging himself, digging his own damp fingers into his jacket.

Amber was dead.

Amber was…

“No, no, no, no, no…” Rion choked out. “No! It was an accident. It wasn’t… It wasn’t…”

Rion had seen it. She’d slipped. Noa pushed her but her foot slipped off the edge. It was… It was an accident!

It shouldn’t have even been that bad! Why did she…why did she die? How did she die? How? It was too fast! She was alive and yelling at Noa minutes ago!

And then he was overcome by sudden dread. He stood there, hiccupping and sniffling, the realization sinking in. The horror of the reality…

Everyone was coming here tomorrow. Everyone. They would come and they'd see… They would find out… Amber… And Noa and Rion would be here all night with her until then. They couldn’t… He couldn’t…

Noa was mumbling something against Amber’s shoulder, voice muffled and wavering. Trembling, Rion sank down next to him on the ground, grabbing the sleeve of his shirt.

“Noa…” Rion said.

Noa turned to him, eyes red, tears and snot running down his face. He didn’t even bother sniffling, his whole body still shaking. Rion didn’t know how he could cry that hard and not make a sound.

“I killed her…” Noa said. “Rion… I killed her. I’m… I really am… I’m evil.”

“It was an accident,” Rion said, his voice cracking horribly. His vision swam with a fresh wave of tears. “You’re not… You’re not evil.”

“But I killed Amber,” Noa said. “I killed her. I… I pushed her and she fell.”

“She slipped. It was an accident,” Rion said, gripping him tighter. “Noa… Noa, listen…”

“It’s all my fault. It’s all me. Why…? I didn’t mean to… I didn’t want… Rion, it hurts.”

Noa was curling in on himself, trembling, barely containing his sobs. His chest was spasming in his attempt to hold everything in. Rion put his arms around him, pulling Noa into a tight hug.

He was scared! He was so scared and sad and confused and… Rion didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to fix it.

The others were going to be here tomorrow. They’d be here, and…

What if Noa told them all of this? What if he said he was evil and he…?

No… No! They couldn’t blame Noa! They couldn’t! It wasn’t his fault! He hadn’t done anything wrong! Noa wasn’t evil!

It was an accident! It was an accident! It was an accident!

Rion had to do something! He had to keep Noa safe! No one could know! No one would understand! They would…they would blame Noa and if he talked like that… If he said…

What would they do to Noa? Would he go to jail? How did that work? They were kids.

Rion held Noa tighter.

He couldn’t lose his best friend.

“I… I’ll… I’ll make it better,” Rion said. “I’ll fix it. It’s not your fault. I’ll… It was an accident.”

“But…but Amber’s…Amber’s dead…” Noa said. “Amber… Rion, you can’t fix this…”

Rion forcefully pulled himself away. His mind was racing but he had to think of something. He had to do something. He had to fix it. He had to fix it somehow and…how…?

And then, the most horrible idea came to him.

It was awful. It was vile. This was the kind of thing that was really, truly evil. This was… He couldn’t…

But…but if he did…then…

If people asked, he could keep saying it was an accident. It was a mistake. And if…if someone found out he did it…he could take the blame. He could say he did it. He could say it was all his fault. He could…

He could say a lot of things. He could lie. Lying was easy if it was for Noa.

“Stay…stay here,” Rion sniffled, standing up.

What to do first? Go to the bathroom? He’d have to run the bath. But Amber… He needed to move her. He’d have to… How could he get her to the bathroom by himself?

Could he do it by himself?

Rion was shaking so badly as he looked around, trying to judge the distance. The bathroom didn’t seem that far away. He could probably…

A towel. That would work.

Rion stumbled to the bathroom, grabbing one of the towels. He came back and Noa was still trembling on the floor. Rion put the towel down next to him and reached out, grabbing hold of Amber’s arm.

It was still warm. Rion’s skin crawled and he jerked too hard, with too much force.

But it worked. He pulled Amber off the couch and she slumped down, tumbling onto the towel with a dull thump. A dark red smear was left behind on the couch cushion.

Rion shuddered, breathing too hard. His throat hurt.

“Wh-what are you…what are you doing?” Noa said.

“Stay here,” was all Rion could say, repeating himself. “Stay.”

The floors were wood and smooth, allowing Rion to drag Amber on the towel. It was still so hard to do. She was really, really heavy. He couldn’t look at her and his vision was swimming. He felt like he was going to be sick.

Bathroom. He needed to get her into the bathroom.

He slid her along the floor, dragging her with the towel. It was too slow, it took too long, but he managed to get her inside, past the door. He had to let go so he could pull the shower curtain away from the tub.

And then he stood there, shaking so hard. His hand twisted in the shower curtain, crinkling it. He felt like it was going to tear in his grip. He was breathing hard, raged, dizziness making his vision swim.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t.

He had to.

Rion closed his eyes as he reached for Amber, pulling her up by the arms again.

Getting her into the bathtub was the hardest part. He wanted to be gentle, but she was too heavy. Rion struggled, constantly worrying about hurting her as he lifted, pushed, shoved, and heaved. There was nothing graceful about fighting her body into the tub. He worried about her, squinting away tears as he tried to arrange her better, make sure she was sitting okay and that…that she wasn’t in an uncomfortable position.

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and scrambled to put the plug in the tub near Amber’s feet. He turned on the water and felt the temperature, making sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold.

She was dead. He knew that. She couldn’t feel anything. But he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. He didn’t want…

Rion leaned against the side of the tub, listening to the rush of water, tears streaking his cheeks. He hated this. He hated every second. But what else could he do? What else could he…? Rion knew he had to protect Noa, and this was the only thing he could think of.

He had to do it. There was no one else. It was all up to Rion.

He turned the water off when it was half-full. Amber’s head was lolled back, her hair still covering her face. Rion was glad because he didn’t want to see… It would be a lot harder if he had to look her in the eye.

He closed the door to the bathroom. He was shaking too hard, breathing too hard. Everything was spinning.

When he went to get the blow dryer from under the sink, his hands were trembling and barely able to hold it. He dropped it twice. It took three tries to plug it into the outlet.

Rion wanted to laugh out of sick desperation, but he couldn’t.

The blow dryer roared to life in hands. It was too loud, too sudden, too heavy. Rion gripped it as tight as he could, turning to the bathtub.

He shook, panting, trying to avoid looking at Amber. He couldn’t look at her. He just had to…

All he had to do was drop the blow dryer. He’d been warned so many times about bathtubs and appliances. He’d always been terrified of electricity because of what happened to his mom. He’d always listened to the warnings.

Danger. Bad. Electrocution.

All he had to do was let go, but the blow dryer felt glued to his hands.

He thought of his mom, getting out of the car in the rain. He thought of that horrible, horrible sound, that electrical crackling. It buzzed in his ears, loud as the blow dryer.

There was a stabbing pain in his chest. His teeth were chattering, his whole body was shaking. The blow dryer roared in his trembling hands.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Let go!

Rion closed his eyes tight. Gritting his teeth, he dropped the blow dryer.

Chapter 46 – Noa

Friday, September 4, 1998

The most horrible sound Noa ever heard split the air.

He closed his eyes tight and covered his ears. But he could still hear it. It was an electrical screech so loud and so horrible, like a scream…

No. Someone was screaming. Noa could hear screaming too.

His ears were buzzing. Noa’s hair stood up on his arms.

No!

No, no, no, no, no…!

He pressed down on his ears until it hurt, scrunching his eyes shut so hard that he saw stars. He sat there, trembling, the memory of the sound repeating in his head over and over and over again even though it ended quickly.

He sucked in sharp breaths. He didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to unplug his ears.

Noa wanted to wake up. He wanted to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare. He hated it! It was evil! He wanted it to stop!

He choked on a sob, trying to swallow it down, wondering where Rion was, wondering what he was doing. Why was he taking so long? What was he doing with Amber? What was happening?

He wanted Rion. He wanted his best friend. Noa didn’t want to be alone.

But he deserved it. He was a murderer. He murdered Amber. He killed her!

She loved him. She just wanted to help him. All he had to do was answer her stupid questions! Why didn’t he lie? Why didn’t he just tell her that it was okay? Why didn’t he just say that it was fine and that they should just go back to the cabin and that they could talk there and…and…

Then Amber would still be alive.

He wanted her back. Noa wanted Amber back.

He sat there, shaking on the floor. He would have kept sitting there, but a disgusting smell began to waft through the air.

It smelled awful, like burning plastic. He tried to ignore it, tried to wait for Rion or anyone to come and help him. But the smell was getting worse and worse, and it was giving him a headache. He could taste it at the back of his throat, like he’d taken a bite out of something burnt.

He lifted his hands from his ears and opened his eyes.

The lights were out, the cabin dark. And there was a weird hissing sound. What was that? The smell was getting worse and worse too.

There was something dark crawling up the wall…

Smoke… It was smoke. And it was coming out of the…power outlet on the wall? Noa could barely make it out in the dim light.

He stared. He didn’t understand, but… That looked bad. That looked really, really bad.

There were several pops and a crackle. Noa jumped, not knowing where they came from. He was lost, confused. But that smell was terrible and power outlets were not supposed to smoke.

Wait… Did that…? Smoke meant fire…right?

Noa’s feet moved before his mind caught up. He scrambled to get up off the floor.

Rion. He needed to get to Rion. He had to make sure Rion was safe. They needed to get out of the cabin right away.

The door to the bathroom was closed but Noa didn’t hesitate to open it. Immediately, he stumbled back, holding up his arms.

Fire!

The whole wall was on fire! Hot flames billowed out, crawling up to the ceiling, heat and smoke washing over Noa in a wave. Noa’s eyes watered. He stumbled back, blinking. Then he saw...

Rion was balled up on the floor, shaking and sobbing. And the bathtub…

Amber.

Amber was…!

Noa choked on his own breath. He tore his eyes away, forced himself to look at Rion even though the motion made everything spin, his vision red from the fire. Lightheaded, he swung to the side, shoulder bumping into the doorframe. He leaned heavily into it.

Amber…

He couldn’t think about Amber. He couldn’t…

Rion needed to get up and run. They needed to go. They needed to escape! There was a fire!

Noa stumbled, pushing himself forward, forcing himself to move. He grabbed Rion by the back of his jacket and pulled as hard as he could.

Rion flailed at the contact, lashing out, scrambling on the floor. He knocked into Noa, who fell forward, off balance. His hand went out to break his fall–

Noa braced himself on the burning wall.

Noa tore his arm away, a foreign sound clawing its way out of his throat, a strangled scream. His hand was blisteringly hot, almost numb from the pain, hot sparks spiking up his wrist. He leapt back, flailing, falling to the floor next to where Rion had been a second ago.

Noa’s arm felt like it was on fire. He clutched at his wrist, kicking his feet, frantically trying to push himself away from the heat. He was grabbed by the arm and dragged out the bathroom door.

It was Rion. His eyes were too wide, his face whiter than white. He’d come back to himself enough to pull Noa away. He was screaming something but Noa couldn’t hear or maybe he couldn’t think. Nothing made sense except Rion’s sudden, insistent jerking on his arm.

Noa stumbled to his feet, half-dragged up by Rion, his hand still burning, blistering. The fire roared as it ate away at the wall, the scalding air pressing down on everything, making it hard to breathe. The air was toxic.

Noa ran.

Rion ran with him.

They flew out the front door, all the way down the walkway, and threw themselves onto the road. Noa couldn’t stand. He was dizzy and sick, and…

He rolled on the ground, gravel biting at his burned hand, and threw up.

Noa lay there, heaving breaths, gagging, his mind struggling. His heart was beating too hard in his chest and he still felt like he was in horrible danger. He felt like he was still trapped, like the cabin was burning around him even though he knew he was outside.

He’d seen…Amber…in the bathtub. He’d seen the blow dryer.

The cabin was burning.

He turned back, dazed, trying to scrape himself off the road, tucking his burnt hand against his chest, blisters popped, gravel digging into his palm. His hand pulsed, ached, throbbed.

The cabin was puffing dark smoke in a steady stream. Some part of his mind told him that all their things were going to burn. Everything they brought with them…

Amber would burn too.

“Noa!”

Rion was next to him, screaming at him.

“Noa, your hand! Noa!” he was screaming. “We have to–! The fire! What do we do?! What do we do?!”

Noa stared at Rion’s tear-streaked face. Noa had no idea. What could they do? What…?

“John…” Noa said in a daze. “We’re supposed to…go to the cabin next door and…phone at the corner store.”

Wasn’t that what Uncle Charlie said they should do?

And then he felt even worse.

When Amber fell, he should have gone straight to the store to call home! Why didn’t he...? What if he could have helped her somehow or…or…!

But he’d killed her. And then Rion…

Rion had…

“John,” Rion breathed and looked down the road. “The next cabin over…”

Noa looked down that way too. There were people in the street now. They were pointing. They noticed the smoke.

“We have to… Noa…” Rion said and held out a hand to him. “Please!”

Noa took it with his good hand. He allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. He was unsteady and weak. It made him feel nauseous all over again and he gagged, tucking his injured hand against his chest.

Rion clung to him and pulled him along. They stumbled forward, heading for the neighbouring cabin.

Chapter 47 – Rion

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Everything hurt.

Rion was dragged to consciousness by pain. His whole body felt cut and bruised, like Sarina and her friends had given him the beating of a lifetime. Some places were worse than others – his right arm, his feet, his knees, and elbows. It was like he had rolled through shattered glass…

Oh.

That’s exactly what happened.

Rion lay there, eyes closed, his body stinging all over. He tried to sort through his scrambled thoughts. He remembered the fight. He remembered Noa breaking the glass cups and taking a shard in his hands. He remembered wrestling Noa for it, and then…

They’d struggled on the floor together. It was all a blur. He remembered sharp pain, places where he’d been stabbed by glass, places that still hurt now. Rion remembered the crunching sound beneath him as he rolled on the kitchen floor, fighting to get that chunk of glass out of Noa’s hand. He’d grabbed Noa’s wrist, pulled at his arm, and…

It happened so fast, too fast for him to understand. The next thing he remembered was sitting on the floor, his arm sliced open from wrist to elbow. Blood gushed, like something out of a horror movie. Everything was red. He’d felt sick, dizzy…

Rion must have passed out.

So where was he now?

Trying to ignore the pain, Rion did his best to focus. He could hear a distant mumble of voices and footsteps and there was a smell in the air…something like fresh laundry and antiseptic? Which meant…the hospital. That made the most sense.

His eyes felt so heavy, but he forced them open.

He was in a hospital bed, the railings pulled up on one side. He was hooked up to an IV and what little he could see of himself was bandaged like a mummy. The room itself was small, everything in the room decorated in shades of orange, brown, and off-white.

There was a nurse sitting next to his bedside. She was an older woman with a stern, matronly look to her. When he moved, she was right there, present and attentive.

“Good morning,” she said. “Are you awake?”

Rion felt like that was a stupid question, but considering he was in the hospital, maybe it was fair. He tried to answer but had to swallow twice.

“Yeah,” he finally said, voice rough. His throat felt like sandpaper. “I’m in the hospital?”

“Yes, that’s right,” the nurse said. “My name is Beth Foster. I’m your nurse this morning. Can you tell me your name?”

She was up and out of her seat already, moving around the room. Rion found it hard to follow her with her eyes.

“Rion Blum,” he said, even though he figured she must already know.

“Do you know what day it is?” she asked.

“Um… October,” Rion began. “October first? And it’s…2004.”

“That’s good. That’s when you were brought in,” Beth said. “It’s October second, five in the morning. There’s a clock on the wall just there, if you need it.”

Five in the morning? Rion stared at the clock as he tried to decide how he felt about that. It seemed too early to be up, but also like too much time had gone by. He’d been out for hours.

“How old are you, Rion?”

“Um…” he began, turning back to her. He only tilted his head on the pillow. It felt like a huge effort. “Seventeen. I turn eighteen on Halloween.”

“A holiday birthday, huh?” she said. “Must be hectic.”

“Sometimes,” Rion said.

His last few birthdays had been quiet. His dad tried to get the day off to spend it with him, but the last couple times it didn’t work out. Last year, Rion had opened his presents alone, ate junk food, and went to bed early, curling up in his dad’s bed so that he wouldn’t feel so alone.

The nurse asked him more questions, checking him over, taking blood pressure and a few other things. It helped Rion wake up, but he was also hurting more and more. Fortunately, she asked him how he was feeling as she checked him over.

“I feel…awful,” he told her. “Kinda like I was put through a blender.”

“That’s not surprising,” Beth said. “On a scale of zero to ten, with zero being no pain at all and ten being the worst pain imaginable, what are you feeling?”

“I dunno… Seven? Eight?” Rion said.

“Can you tell me where it hurts?”

“All over. But…my right arm where I was cut…that’s really bad. My feet hurt and…knees, elbows…my whole right side…”

She asked him a few more questions, prodding him gently here and there and getting him to move. She seemed to want to know where he was hurt the worst and while he got the idea, he didn’t enjoy it.

“Okay. Thank you, Rion,” Beth said. “We did our best to remove all the glass, but you’re cut up pretty bad. We didn’t want to give you any pain medication until we gave you an assessment. I’ll make sure you get something right away, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks,” he said.

“There’s a lot of people who want to talk to you,” she added. “There’s a few more things we need to go over. The doctor wants to see you and the police want a statement about what happened.”

“Oh,” Rion said.

The last time he’d had to give a statement to the police was when Amber died. He couldn’t stop crying at the time. He wasn’t even sure how he managed to lie, and he was pretty sure that he just repeated, “It was an accident,” over and over again. It was the only fragment of the truth he could cling to.

He didn’t want to give a statement. But considering what happened with Noa…

Noa!

He had a sudden surge of fear, worried about what might have happened. Noa might have–!

“Where’s Noa?” Rion asked. “Is he okay?”

“The boy who was brought in with you?” Beth said. Rion nodded. “He’s in another room, being looked after.”

“So, he’s okay?” Rion said, desperate for confirmation. “He’s… He’s doing all right?”

He didn’t want to ask if Noa was dying. He didn’t want to ask if he was going to lose Noa… If… No… Anything but that…

“Noa’s doing all right,” Beth told him. “He’s in better shape than you are, so worry about yourself for now, okay?”

Slowly, Rion relaxed. In better shape. That was good. That was really good. Rion knew he could get through this, so hearing that Noa was better off was a really good thing. He must be all scratched up by glass too, and… It was awful, but at least he would be okay.

“That’s…good. Thanks,” Rion said.

The next few hours were a blur.

The doctor came and saw him and he got his pain meds. Then the police stopped by. He stumbled through a statement for them, sticking with the truth as he knew it.

He got into a fight with Noa. Things escalated. Noa broke some cups. He took a piece of glass and Rion was worried that Noa would hurt himself with it. He tried to stop him. They’d struggled on the kitchen floor, fighting over the glass shard.

Short, simple, to the point. That was what happened.

Rion was feeling fuzzy and tired afterwards. He was ready to curl up in a ball and sleep when his dad came by. Rion wasn’t expecting him here and he could hardly believe what he was seeing.

“Dad?” he said, blinking.

“Hey,” his dad said, coming over to hover next to his bed awkwardly. “How are you feeling?”

It was such a dumb question. Rion looked down at himself for a moment. Even though most of him was covered by the sheets, he knew he was bandaged all over, especially his feet. Both his hands had to be wrapped up, covering the cuts to his palms from grasping at broken glass, and his right arm was bandaged up to his elbow. When he moved it, it felt weird, like his skin was pulled too tight.

He’d been told that was the stitches. He’d also been told he was very lucky. The slice along his arm had missed anything important and it hadn’t gone too deep. He was going to have a scar but he couldn’t even bring himself to care.

Lucky… What a weird thing to call it.

“I feel like shit,” he told his dad honestly.

His dad let out a weak laugh.

“That’s… I can’t blame you,” his dad said. “I had the scare of my life when I got a call about you being in the hospital. I’m taking a couple weeks off work, so I’ll be around a lot.”

“You… You did?” Rion said, surprised. “Will that be okay?”

“Even if it isn’t, it doesn’t matter,” his dad said, shaking his head. “I was really, really worried, Rion. I came as fast as I could, but you weren’t conscious when I got here. It reminded me of…”

He faltered, swallowing hard. But he didn’t need to say anything else. Even with the pain meds and his fuzzy head, Rion knew he must be thinking of Mom.

“I’m okay,” Rion said, wanting to reassure him. “I mean, I’m not, but…I’ll get there. It’s just cuts and bruises.”

His dad hesitated before saying, “They told me that you also have some older bruises. It got me thinking about your black eye, so I mentioned it to your doctor. Have you been getting into fights?”

Rion did not want to be having this conversation. Not now. He’d already tried to brush off the black eye as something that was an accident from school when his dad asked about it. It was gone now. Most of his old bruises were pretty faded too. How had anyone noticed…?

It must have been when they were stitching him up while he was unconscious. Come to think of it, his side and shoulder felt like it had taken the worst of the damage from his fall to the kitchen floor. But most of his other bruises… He did have a nasty one or two on his chest that were almost gone, but… Had they seen that? And they knew it wasn’t just from his fight with Noa?

“I don’t know,” Rion said, wanting to dismiss it. “I’ve been getting into fights with Sarina and her friends, but it’s not that bad.”

“You never said anything,” his dad said.

And he looked so disappointed. Rion hated it. He wanted to pull the covers over his head and hide.

“I…” Rion said. “It’s not important.”

“It’s important to me,” his dad said. “I know I…haven’t been around a lot. I’m not a great dad. But I do care about you.”

“You’re a fine dad,” Rion said. “Really, it’s not important. I promise. I’m fine, okay? I mean… I mean, other than…you know…”

His dad didn’t look convinced at all. But he dropped the subject.

“They also said you got into a fight with Noa… They implied he was trying to hurt himself. What happened?”

Rion tried to shrug but winced at even such a small motion. “He… We saw some pictures of Amber… You remember Noa’s cousin…? They were pictures from years ago, and we…we were really emotional. Noa just kind of… I don’t know if he was trying to hurt himself, but he broke some glasses and picked up this, like, big piece, and… I tried to take it away. I was scared he was going to get hurt.”

“And then you both got hurt.”

“Yeah, well… I didn’t know what he was going to do. I didn’t want him to…to…you know…”

He wanted to wave a hand dismissively, but when he tried to raise his arm, he dropped it back down to the bed instead. It was too heavy and sore despite the pain meds.

“You shouldn’t move around so much,” his dad said.

“Yeah,” Rion agreed. “Sorry. I just… I dunno. My head’s kind of fuzzy and everything still hurts.”

“Maybe I should come back later. You should rest,” his dad said. “You probably need it. The doctor said he wants you to have a psychiatric assessment. And some of your friends are wanting to visit later.”

“Friends…?” Rion repeated. He didn’t have friends. He only had Noa.

“The Murphys for sure. Danny, Jesse, and Celeste are really worried too. Danny especially. He saw the whole thing.”

“Oh,” Rion said. Right. They were his friends. Technically. “I don’t think I’m up for any visits.”

“I don’t think so either. Not right now. Did you want me to bring you anything from home? Some video games maybe, for when you’re better?”

“Maybe. I dunno.”

“Okay. Just let me know if there’s anything I can get you.”

Rion watched his father for a moment. It must have gotten colder out or maybe it was snowing because his dad was wearing his winter coat, along with his mitts, scarf, and toque. It made Rion realize he’d borrowed one of his dad’s jackets and it was probably still at Noa’s…

“Can I have your scarf?” Rion asked.

“My… This scarf?” his dad said, lifting the end.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “I know it’s stupid, but… I wanna have something of yours. So I don’t feel so lonely when you’re gone.”

“…Rion, I’m going to come back,” his dad said. “I’ll be here lots. You don’t need to feel lonely or miss me.”

“Well, yeah, I know you say that, but… I know how things come up. You’re busy,” Rion said. “It’s okay if you can’t come back again. I just… I’d just like something of yours. Just until I can come home. I’ll give it back.”

His dad hesitated. Rion was pretty sure he was tearing up, but Rion didn’t really get why. He took his scarf off, folding it up, and then tucked it next to Rion’s hand. It was on his injured side, with his stitched-up arm, and even though it hurt to move, Rion grabbed a fist full of the wool.

“I’m going to come back,” his dad said. “I’m not abandoning you here, okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said, but he already felt a lot better with the scarf in his grip. “Thanks, Dad.”

Chapter 48 – Noa

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Noa didn’t sleep.

In the fight with Rion, grappling with him on the floor, everything had been a blur. The only thing he distinctly remembered was slicing open Rion’s arm. He wasn’t even sure how it happened, but the glass shard had been in his hands until a paramedic pried it away. He’d clutched at it as Rion passed out, bleeding all over…

Noa tried to sort it out in his head. He couldn’t. The only conclusion he could come to was that he hurt Rion. Again.

He cut Rion open. He could have killed him. It was his fault all over again.

Noa hated it, loathed himself for it, but he knew it was inevitable. He was evil and wrong and hurt everyone around him. It just kept happening over and over and over. He should have stayed away from Rion. He should have stayed quiet and hidden away and…

Noa knew better! He did! So why did he keep repeating the same mistakes?

Everything was a mess. Noa could barely follow any of it. His aunt had come home at almost the exact same time the ambulance pulled up. The police came too. There were so many cars and flashing lights and first responders. He was pretty sure he saw Peter and Celeste pull up, but at that point Rion and Noa were both swarmed by paramedics.

Noa had wanted to shut everything out. So he did.

He was familiar with being quiet. Staying silent and still was right. It was harder for him to hurt anyone around him if he did as little as possible. It was easy too, letting people talk around him. Everything was too confusing to follow anyway. He shut everything out and let things happen, only making minimal responses where absolutely necessary.

Paramedics, doctors, and nurses were all scary good at getting answers when they wanted them though. And they needed some of those answers. He was poked and prodded, medicated, glass pulled out of him piece by piece.

It felt like it was happening to someone else. He was detached, distant from it, like he was watching everything through a stranger’s eyes.

Eventually, he was bandaged up and shown to a very small, plain room. There was a bed molded to the floor with a mattress, pillow, and bedding and…that was it. Other than his nurse.

Noa was assigned a nurse named Gary. He had just started his shift, which might have been why he seemed so friendly and cheerful even in the early hours of the morning. He wore scrubs that had a rubber duck pattern that seemed to perfectly match his personality.

He was easy to ignore. So that’s what Noa did. He lay on his bed in the most comfortable position he could. But he didn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep.

Noa hurt Rion. He’d cut him open.

Rion was the last person he wanted to hurt.

Why couldn’t he just not be himself? Why did he always ruin everything? Noa hated it. If there was some way to cut out that horrible part of himself, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

But it wasn’t any one part of him. It was all of him.

Why couldn’t his parents drown him properly when he was a kid? It would have been better for everyone. The Murphys would be happy, Amber would be alive, Rion would have made other friends. If he wasn’t here, everyone else would be better off, happy, living their lives without him.

He was like a disease, a cancer, a festering wound. He hated it.

“Hey, Noa?” Gary spoke up. “You think you’re up for a visitor?”

Noa had been staring at the wall, laying on his good side, lost in thought. But he turned his gaze to Gary, who was over by the door.

“Dr. Maes is here to see you,” Gary added when he saw that he had Noa’s attention.

Noa couldn’t keep up. He was tired and sore and hating everything he was. His mouth betrayed him, too agreeable for its own good.

“Okay,” he said.

Stupid. Why did he say okay? Shut up, Noa. Shut up.

Gary opened the door and in stepped Doctor Maes. She didn’t look tired either. Maybe she was a morning person.

“Hi, Gary,” she said, familiar with the nurse. “Good morning.”

“Same to you,” he said. “I’ll just step out while the two of you talk. The call bell’s the button on the wall there, next to the bed. I’ll be right outside.”

“Thank you,” Dr. Maes said.

She took the chair that Gary left behind. While the nurse slipped out the door, Dr. Maes pulled the chair Gary had been occupying over to Noa’s bedside.

“Hi, Noa,” she said. “Good morning.”

He didn’t want to answer her. He pulled his pillow to him tighter, nuzzling his face into it to avoid looking at her. It hurt, all the cuts and bruises reminding him they were still there. His left side had needed some stitches from a big piece of glass that had cut into him when he fell. It hurt the worst, followed shortly after by his sliced-up hands and knees.

“I heard about what happened,” Dr. Maes continued. “I have some questions to ask you, okay?”

“No,” Noa said into the pillow. “Go away.”

Dr. Maes paused. He must have caught her off-guard because she was quiet for a long moment.

“You want me to go?” she asked. “Why?”

He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to return to silence. It was hard – harder than it had ever been. He was angry, mostly at himself. It was impossible to think of anything else. He wanted to hit something, but it was too risky to lash out. He couldn’t dare risk hurting anyone else. Not after what he’d done to Rion.

“Are you surprised to see me?” Dr. Maes asked when he didn’t answer. “Did you know I worked at the hospital too? I think I mentioned–”

“I don’t care,” Noa cut her off, lifting his head off the pillow enough to be heard legibly. “Go away.”

“Can you tell me why you want me to go?” Dr. Maes asked. “If you can give me a good reason, I'll make arrangements to come back later.”

Noa readjusted himself further so that he could glare at her. “I don’t want to talk.”

“But you’re talking right now,” Dr. Maes said. “We’ve had enough sessions together that I think when you don’t want to talk, you’re not going to say anything. I’ve heard you’ve been really quiet since you got here.”

Noa hated that she was right. It made him angrier at himself.

The right decision was to keep his mouth shut. But he couldn’t.

“Shut up,” he snapped. He wasn’t even sure if he was talking to her or himself.

“That’s a bit rude,” Dr. Maes said. And it was so frustrating that she was perfectly calm when she said it. She was completely unbothered. “Are you in pain? You should have been given some medication.”

“I was,” Noa said.

“Then is the attitude because you’re upset?” Dr. Maes asked. “I know it’s not fun being in the hospital.”

Noa hadn't been to the hospital in years. It was different from when he was little, when he went with his parents all the time. He remembered when he’d gone with his father because of a dislocated shoulder. It was the last time before he was almost drowned in the bathtub. It stood out in his memory because his father raised his voice to the doctor and he’d been scared.

Mother had told him he needed to lie and say it was an accident, that his father had just pulled on him a little too hard. So he repeated her words. He didn’t want her to get mad at him again. The doctor had implied it was abuse after looking him over…

It wasn’t a happy memory.

Waking up in the hospital after almost drowning wasn’t a happy memory either. He had never seen his parents after that. And coming to the hospital after Amber died…

Hospitals were places where you went after terrible things happened. Of course they weren’t happy. They were miserable. He didn’t want to be here at all.

“I’m not upset,” Noa snapped. “It doesn’t matter that I’m hurt or in the hospital. So what. Big deal. Leave me alone.”

Dr. Maes was silent for another moment. Then she said, “If none of that matters, what does? What matters right now, Noa?”

“Rion,” Noa said.

He didn’t even think. The name popped out of his mouth without any hesitation.

“What matters about Rion?” she said.

The question infuriated him. It lit a fire in him. Noa raised himself up, curling inward like an angry, wounded animal.

“Everything!” Noa said. “Everything about Rion matters! I sliced open his whole arm! He could have died! He… He could be… It’s all my fault…”

His anger was doused all at once, gone the moment it came, cut off by the realization that he still didn’t know what happened to Rion. They’d been separated. Rion had been bleeding and unconscious…

He could be dead or dying. How would Noa know? He hadn’t seen him. He hadn’t…

“Rion’s going to be okay,” Dr. Maes said. “He’s in another room and he’s being looked after.”

The relief was a tiny weight off his shoulders, too small to make much of a difference.

“It’s still my fault,” Noa said. “I still hurt him. I cut him. All I do is hurt people. I’m bad. I’m evil.”

He wrapped his arms around himself, digging his fingers into his arms. It hurt – not just his arms, but his palms too. It stung and prickled where he was already injured. He dug his nails into skin, the pain biting almost as much as his other cuts–

“Noa,” Dr. Maes said, her voice stern. “Please don’t grab yourself like that. You’re hurting yourself. If you don’t stop, I’m going to call Gary and security. They’ll strap you down to the bed. Is that what you want?”

“No,” Noa said after swallowing thickly.

But it felt right to be hurt. He deserved it. He should suffer.

“Then please, let go,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m only going to ask once.”

Noa forced himself to loosen his grip. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t want to be tied down either. His arms prickled, sore where his nails had dug in, and his palms throbbed. Everything tingled unpleasantly.

“Thank you,” Dr. Maes said. “I know that you’re upset, but you can’t hurt yourself.”

“I deserve it,” Noa said.

“Why?” she asked.

He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to answer. He was sure he didn’t. But the words just spilled out of his mouth. He couldn’t stop it. He hated that she just kept asking questions and he just kept giving her answers.

“I ruin everything.”

“How? Explain it to me. I want to understand.”

“It’s just something that I do.”

“I find that hard to believe. You haven’t ruined anything around me. From what I’ve seen of you, you’re quiet, artistic, and careful. You’re soft spoken and reserved. You seem like a really considerate person, not a destructive one.”

“You’re wrong,” Noa said firmly. “I’m careful because I have to be. When I’m not… Bad thing always happen. Like how I cut Rion’s arm.”

“Did you mean to cut Rion’s arm?” Dr. Maes asked.

“No,” Noa said. “But it doesn’t matter. Because that’s what happened. I don’t want bad things to happen, but they still do. And it’s always because of me. I’m the problem.”

“Are you sure about that?” Dr. Maes asked. “A lot of bad things happen all the time. Most of the time we don’t want them to happen, but they do anyway.”

“I had the glass in my hand,” Noa said. “That means I cut Rion’s arm. That makes it my fault.”

“But you said you didn’t mean to cut him,” Dr. Maes said.

“Of course I didn’t mean to,” Noa said, growing frustrated. “Rion’s my best friend! I’d never… I’d never want to hurt him. Never.”

“If Rion was holding a piece of glass and he cut you without meaning to, would that make him bad?” Dr. Maes said.

Noa gave her an immediate dark look. “That’s not the same.”

“No? Why not? What makes it different?”

“Because it would be an accident. And I would deserve it anyway.”

“Why would you deserve it?”

“Because I’m evil.”

“But what makes you evil?”

Noa knew what she was doing and he hated it. He scowled, grabbing a fist full of pillow and squeezing it tightly. It wasn’t as satisfying as digging his nails into his arm and it didn’t hurt as much, but it did make his hands sting.

“I just am,” he said.

“What makes you think that?” Dr. Maes said. “You’re telling me that what happened was an accident. I don’t see how that makes you a bad person.”

“I told you, I just am,” Noa insisted.

Dr. Maes was silent for another moment. Then she let out a quick breath.

“Does this have anything to do with why you picked up the glass shard in the first place?”

“No.”

“Okay. Then why did you pick up the piece of glass?”

That… Noa didn’t have an answer.

He wanted everything to go away, to stop, to disappear. He wanted an escape, a way out. So, he’d reached out and grabbed the nearest large chunk of glass.

Noa had thought about killing himself more than once before. It was hard to ignore the benefits.

If he was dead, the Murphys wouldn’t have to support him anymore. More importantly, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else. Everyone could live their lives safe and happy without him.

But death was permanent. It couldn’t be undone. Noa knew that and he remembered what it was like when Amber died. It was the worst possible thing. It punched a gaping hole in everyone’s lives. Because she was so loved, because she was so special. Everyone was hurt and grieved and…

If he died, he knew something similar would happen. It would hurt people. Even if things would work out for everyone and they would be happier in the end, he didn’t want anyone to suffer more than necessary because of him.

So, as good of an idea as it seemed, Noa would always conclude that he shouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to risk it. Not unless he was sure, really sure, that he wouldn’t be missed. He didn’t want to hurt people by dying – that would defeat the whole purpose.

If he could just quietly disappear from existence…that would be the ideal solution.

Noa couldn’t say that he wanted to die. He couldn’t say that was his plan when he picked up the glass. But he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have tried to hurt himself either. He couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have felt too hurt, too angry, too sick with himself, and used the glass as an escape. He hadn’t been thinking straight.

“I don’t know,” Noa finally said.

“You don’t know?” Dr. Maes repeated. “You’re not sure why you picked it up?”

“I was upset,” Noa said. “I just…did it. I don’t know.”

“Were you thinking about hurting yourself?” she asked him directly.

Noa was silent. He couldn’t answer that. He couldn’t deny it, but it wasn’t exactly his intention either.

“…So that we’re clear, there’s a difference between wanting to hurt yourself and wanting to end your life,” Dr. Maes added.

“I didn’t… It wasn’t about what I wanted,” Noa said. “I just grabbed it. I don’t know. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t even mean to break the glasses. I just…wanted to hit something, and… The glasses broke. I wasn’t thinking about it.”

“What were you thinking about, then?” she asked him.

“I wanted everyone to leave me alone,” Noa said. “I still want to be left alone.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “Right now, we’re all really worried about you, Noa. We can’t leave you all by yourself. Someone will still need to stay and watch you. But…we can give you some time to rest. You can lay down and not talk to anyone. It would probably be good if you got some sleep. Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” Noa said, glad he at least had some kind of option left.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m glad we can agree. I still have some questions and we need to finish this talk. But after, you can have some space. Okay? Does that sound good?”

“Okay,” Noa said.

“Good,” she said. “I’ll try to be quick.”

Chapter 49 – Peter

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Waiting was the hardest thing for Peter, given everything that happened.

When he arrived home with Celeste, the house had been surrounded by first responders. He rushed in, frantically asking around to find out what happened. He’d run into his mom, who was equally lost and floundering.

That’s when they’d finally been allowed inside. They saw Noa and Rion. And the broken glass. And the blood.

Peter wished he hadn’t left Danny alone. He wished he had waited to pick up Celeste.

He’d left Danny with Noa and Rion and they’d…

It had been near impossible to get an explanation. There was so much confusion and so many people trying to sort through events. Peter ended up waiting outside with Celeste and Jesse, who arrived not long after. When Danny finished talking to the police and everyone else, he ran over and told them what happened in a rush.

Crazy. The whole thing was crazy. And there was nothing Peter could do about it. There was nothing any of them could do.

He went to the hospital with his parents. They were stuck waiting for hours.

Their family was given small updates on Noa, but they weren’t allowed to see him. Peter’s parents asked him if he wanted to go home and get some rest but he refused. It was the weekend. He could care less about sleep.

They were shown to a quiet room. It was small but cozy, with some couches and a table. They were allowed to sit more comfortably while they waited, away from the hallways and the crowded waiting rooms. But it didn’t feel that much better.

When Dr. Maes stepped inside to talk with them, Peter was ready to leap out of his seat.

“Hi, there. Good morning,” she said.

“How’s Noa?” were the first words out of Peter’s mouth.

They’d been told Noa was doing well, considering the circumstances. He was cut up from the glass and needed stitches. Fortunately, he was expected to recover quickly.

But Peter was far more worried about Noa’s mental state. And Dr. Maes was the person most likely to have concrete answers.

“I spoke with him and gave him an assessment,” she said. “All things considered, he’s doing well.”

Peter struggled to believe it. Doing well? After fighting with his best friend in a pile of broken glass? The psychiatrist was comfortable saying that?

“You’re sure?” Peter’s mother asked. “After everything that happened, it sounded like he was… Like he might hurt himself…”

“After speaking with Noa, it’s my opinion that he wasn’t attempting suicide,” Dr. Maes said. “However, he is showing signs of self-harm and his language is very self-deprecating. We’d like to keep him here at the hospital for a while and monitor him. I want to have a few sessions with him and reassess him again before we send him home.”

Peter opened his mouth to speak, but his dad beat him to it.

“Will we be able to visit him?” he asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said. “Right now, I promised him some rest and privacy. He wants to be left alone and I don’t think he’s had any sleep. We should give him until later today, maybe closer to supper time, before we start sending in visitors. But you can see him. Since you’re his family and guardians, you’re welcome any time. Friends will only be able to visit one at a time during visiting hours.”

Peter felt drained at the idea of going home after all this waiting. It felt so pointless to be told that they should go home without even seeing Noa.

“What about Rion?” Peter asked. “No one’s told us anything about him. He’s… Is he okay?”

“I haven’t seen him personally,” Dr. Maes said, “but from my understanding, he just woke up and he’s with his father. He’s a little worse for wear so you probably won’t be able to see him until later this afternoon either.”

So they shouldn’t visit Noa and there was no chance of seeing Rion.

“Then there isn’t much we can do,” Peter’s mom said, dejected.

“I think the best thing you could do for Noa and Rion would be to rest,” Dr. Maes said. “I know that sleep may not be an option, but even if you just have a cup of coffee and sit down for a while, I think it will make your visit with Noa a little smoother.”

“That…actually makes sense,” Peter said, even though he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to go and try to relax. He wanted to see his cousin. Or Rion. “You really think Noa’s okay? He’s… A lot has been happening lately.”

“How should I put this…” Dr. Maes said, considering her next words. “I feel like Noa has been bottling things up for a very long time. I don’t want to describe him as a pot boiling over, but… There’s more information I’d like about this incident. I heard there was a witness. Daniel Fox?”

“Yeah,” Peter said at the same time as his mom said, “Yes.”

“I’d like to speak with him, If I can,” she said. “Noa has a lot going on emotionally. I’d like to know what exactly triggered this reaction. Did any of you notice anything before Noa and Rion fought?”

“I wasn’t there,” Peter’s dad said. “Elaine? Peter?”

“Everything seemed normal to me,” his mom said. “We did look at some old pictures. We all got a little emotional… I mean, they were pictures from… We looked at some pictures that were taken the day that Amber…passed away.”

“That sounds like it could be emotionally charged,” Dr. Maes said.

“It was,” Peter said. “Rion and Noa were there when Amber died. They were the ones that took the pictures. They were tense after we went through them.”

Peter’s mother nodded. “Yes, that’s true. But we were all a little… I mean, it’s hard to think about that day. It was… I don’t even want to talk about it.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “But Noa and Rion did have a reaction to the pictures. Now that I think about it, they were kind of… Before I left, Danny and I stepped into the kitchen to get drinks and talk for a second. I was worried that the pictures might trigger a panic attack. That was when Celeste called and I offered to pick her up. But when we came back into the living room, it looked like Noa and Rion were whispering to each other. I don’t know if that had anything to do with it, but…”

“Did they seem upset?” Dr. Maes asked. “Were they behaving differently than normal?”

“I’m not sure,” Peter said. “I don’t really know how to describe it. Something felt off, but because we’d just looked at those pictures… They didn’t seem angry or like they were going to fight. Noa was kind of prickly, but he gets like that sometimes.”

“He can be really hard to read,” his father spoke up. “Even if Noa frowns, you can’t tell if he’s confused, angry, or frustrated. It’s really hard to tell with him. He’s not expressive.”

“And he doesn’t usually blow up either,” his mom added. “I’ve never seen Noa get so violent before. Smashing glasses… That doesn’t sound like him at all. He can be destructive, but it’s usually more specific and not…not so wild. Like, he’ll rip up his drawings or break his things, but… He doesn’t throw things around or hit anything.”

Peter agreed. He’d had the past several hours to think about what happened with Noa and Rion. There’d barely been a sign that things were about to go so wrong. Sure, they’d been acting weird, but…

Peter thought one of them might have another panic attack, but nothing worse than that. That’s what happened at the lake. And then Noa had gone to comfort Rion after. They were close. They had always been close. They were best friends. They never argued or yelled or fought.

This outburst came out of nowhere.

“He does seem to be acting out,” Dr. Maes said. “But I feel like Noa’s being more honest and talkative. He had a lot to say to me when we spoke earlier. Actually, because of that, I’d like to warn you that he might talk to you about some distressing things.”

“Like hurting himself?” Peter’s dad asked.

“Yes. Like hurting himself,” Dr. Maes said. “I understand if it’s uncomfortable, but I don’t want you to discourage that kind of talk. Noa was being honest about his feelings with me and I’d like to think he’d be the same way with you, his family. It’s better for him to tell us how he really feels. It will only hurt him if he tries to hide it and bottles up his feelings again.”

“That…makes sense,” Peter’s mom said. “So… We should be prepared for him to say upsetting things. Okay.”

“And you said he’s showing signs of hurting himself,” Peter’s dad added. “Has he started… Is he doing it again, or…?”

“I’m not sure,” Dr. Maes said. “He dug his nails into his arms while I talked to him. When I asked him to stop, he did. Which is another good sign. I should add that if he does anything to actually hurt himself while you’re there, I want you to call a nurse or security.”

“I’ve seen him do that before. Digging his nails into himself, I mean,” Peter spoke up. “It hasn’t happened in a while, but… I’ve seen him pull his hair and grab himself too hard too. If I ask him to stop then he does. I didn’t… I know it’s something he shouldn’t do, but… It hardly ever happens so I didn’t think about telling anyone…”

But should he have said something? He was around Noa a lot. He saw him get frustrated and hurt. Peter knew Noa. Saying something might have helped. Maybe–

“Peter, it’s all right. Your mother already made me aware,” Dr. Maes said. “It’s in his file as well.”

Somehow, that didn’t make him feel better.

“It’s still really concerning,” his mom said. “If he started hurting himself again…”

“That’s one of the reasons I want to keep a close eye on him for a while,” Dr. Maes said. “If you notice anything else, please let me know. I want to address it as soon as possible.”

“Of course,” Peter’s dad said.

“Good,” Dr. Maes said. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“So, we should just go home then?” Peter said. “Noa doesn’t want visitors and we can’t see Rion…”

“We should tell the others what’s going on,” his mom said. “I mean, if they’re awake. It’s pretty early.”

Peter knew Danny would be awake. There was no way he would have gone to bed after everything that happened. Maybe it would be a good idea to go home and call him or something… It was pretty early in the morning, but…

“Let’s head home. We can come back this afternoon,” Peter’s dad said.

“Okay,” Peter said.

“If anything happens, you’ll be informed right away,” Dr. Maes said. “If you can rest, I’d highly recommend it.”

Chapter 50 – Rion

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Rion woke up late in the day, groggy, his dad’s scarf tightly gripped in his hand.

He felt better than before. He wasn’t sure if it was the medication or the rest. He was able to move around easier and he used his tiny, newfound strength to push his dad’s scarf up and tuck it next to his pillow.

Beth was still around. When she saw that he was awake, she readjusted his bed, propping up the back so he could sit. Then she had food brought for him.

Rion was familiar with the stereotype of bad hospital food, but he didn’t mind it. It was a small step up from microwave dinners, bland but edible. It made him more awake, and he felt like he ate way more than usual. He polished off his plate.

After eating, he wasn’t given much of a break. He was informed there was a psychiatrist coming to see him and not long after, Beth stepped out when a friendly, red-haired woman arrived to see him.

“Good afternoon,” the new woman greeted him. “My name is Dr. Laura Maes. I’m a psychiatrist that works here in pediatrics.”

“You’re Noa’s doctor,” Rion blurted out.

He’d heard her name before a few times from the Murphys, as well as other people around town. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Noa was seeing a psychiatrist that worked here in Misty Meadows. Rion didn’t spend much time with anyone, but because of that, he overheard a lot of conversations.

“Yes, I am,” Dr. Maes said, taking a chair from off to the side. She pulled it over to his bedside and took a seat. “That’s me.”

“You work here at the hospital?” Rion said.

“I do,” she said. “I have my own office where I hold scheduled appointments, but I spend most of my time here. I do a little bit of everything, from therapy sessions to prescriptions. Did Noa tell you about me?”

“He might have mentioned you, but I think I heard something from Peter…” Rion said, mulling it over. Then a new thought occurred to him. “Have you seen Noa? Is he okay?”

“I’ve seen him,” she said. “He’s in a private room and someone’s keeping a close eye on him. He’s okay.”

Rion was relieved, more so than before. He was happy to have more confirmation that Noa was safe. Hearing it from his nurse was one thing, but Dr. Maes worked with Noa and was familiar with him. She would know the most about his situation, right?

“Good,” Rion said. “That’s really good.”

“Yes, it is,” Dr. Maes said. “I need to ask you a few questions about what happened, if that’s okay. Are you feeling up to it?”

“Sure,” Rion said. He’d already been asked so many questions by everyone else. “That’s cool.”

“Okay,” she said. “Great. Why don’t we start by getting a little acquainted before we start. We’ve barely met. You’re Rion Blum, right?”

Rion felt his face growing hot. She’d introduced herself and he hadn’t even mentioned who he was. Of course she would know because she had to come to see him, but he still felt really rude.

“Yeah. Sorry,” he said. “I’m Rion. I, uh… I should have said something…”

“That’s okay. You’re not feeling well,” Dr. Maes said. “Medication can make anyone confused or distracted. You probably still feel pretty sore too. I’m sure it’s hard to keep your thoughts straight.”

“Yeah… Yeah, exactly,” he said. “I’m all… I dunno. It sucks.”

“Big time,” Dr. Maes agreed. “I know a lot of people have been poking you and asking you questions. That must be tough.”

“Yeah, but I think that part’s done now,” he said. “Or I hope it is.”

“Yes. I’m the only one who’s going to have questions now and mine are a little different,” Dr. Maes told him. “We can take things slow. If you get tired of talking, just let me know, okay? And just so we’re clear, everything we talk about is confidential. That means that I can’t tell anyone else what we talk about. The only time I would need to repeat our conversation would be if you tell me you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay,” Rion said.

He wasn’t worried about that. He wasn’t going to hurt himself, not as long as Noa was safe. And he for sure wasn’t going to hurt anyone else. He could barely move around anyway.

“I guess I’ll ask the most dangerous question of them all,” Dr. Maes said with a small smile. “How are you feeling? I heard you got lucky with your arm there. You can move it okay?”

“It feels weird,” Rion said, lifting his right arm. It was heavy. He gently flexed his fingers, grimacing at how it stung, then let it drop back down. “It’s still sore and it’s all… Like, I can’t feel the stitches, but I know where I was cut. They said I’m gonna have a scar.”

“It’s good that you can still move it,” she said. “You might have had problems if you’d been cut any deeper.”

“Yeah. It sucks though,” Rion said. “I wear a lot of long-sleeved shirts so I guess it won’t make much of a difference once it’s better.”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t bother anyone,” Dr. Maes said. “A lot of people think scars are attractive on a man.”

Rion stared at her, completely caught off guard by the comment.

He was used to being called a teenager and a kid, especially because of school. Other than that, people would just call him by his name. He was younger than most people he knew, other than Noa and Sarina. It didn’t matter that he was in grade twelve – even he saw himself as a teen.

This was the closest anyone had ever come to referring to him as a man. And it was really weird. But, like, a good weird.

A man. Him.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t who he was just yet, but…yeah. Rion liked that thought. It was really flattering that someone, even a random doctor, thought he was mature.

And she wasn’t wrong. He was going to turn eighteen at the end of the month. He’d be able to do everything but drink.

“I, uh… Yeah. Yeah, I guess,” he said, looking away. He picked at the sheets with his good hand, bashful. “I wasn’t, um… I wasn’t thinking of it like that. But sure.”

“Is that your scarf?” Dr. Maes asked. “The one by your pillow there?”

He was relieved at the change in subject, turning back to her.

“That? It’s my dad’s,” he said. “He came to visit, and… I think the meds were hitting me pretty hard. I asked him if I could borrow it and he let me have it.”

“That was nice of him,” Dr. Maes said. “You must really love your dad.”

“I… Yeah, I guess,” he said, deciding maybe this wasn’t a better topic after all. “Hey, um… I think Peter said you know some stuff about panic attacks?”

Actually, he wasn’t sure if he’d heard about it from Peter or not. But Peter had been the one to help him with his panic attack and he helped Noa regularly, so it only made sense that he learned from Dr. Maes. Because she was Noa’s doctor.

Dr. Maes was obviously taken aback by the question. She stared at him for a few seconds too long, blinking slowly.

“Panic attacks?” she repeated. “Yes, I do know a thing or two about panic attacks. Why do you ask?”

“Well, Peter seemed to know these breathing techniques, and…there’s the stuff he does with Noa. Something about the senses?” Rion said, trying to remember. “Um… Could you maybe…I don’t know…tell me more about that?”

“I might be able to,” she said. “Why are you interested? Do you know someone who’s having panic attacks?”

“Yeah, well, Noa,” Rion said with an awkward little laugh. She smiled but then he realized that, oh, she wouldn’t be able to tell him if Noa did have panic attacks. Patient confidentiality and all that. “But, um… Yeah. I guess I have them too? Peter helped me out with one, and… I mean, I never really called them panic attacks. I’ve just been considering them ‘freak outs’ or whatever, but… Peter helped me through one with this breathing thing and it helped, so… Since you’re here, I figured I might as well ask.”

He wondered if he was rambling. Dr. Maes was staring at him intently while he spoke. When he trailed off, she pulled out a small notepad and pen and began scribbling something down.

“That’s a conversation that we should tackle later, I think,” Dr. Maes said. “Sorry, I just want to write that down… What makes you think you’re having panic attacks? Other than the fact that Peter helped you with one. What do they feel like?”

“Uh… Horrible?” Rion said. “It’s like…having a heart attack. Like, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I usually go down on the ground and curl up in a ball. Everything gets all… It usually happens during thunderstorms or… I mean, sometimes they just happen and I don’t know why.”

“Thunderstorms?” she said.

“Yeah…” Rion said. “I think it’s because of my mom…”

And Amber. He could still remember the scream of electricity, the sharp crackling, the bathtub–

Not now. He couldn’t think about it.

“When I was little, there was this really bad storm,” Rion said, talking to distract himself. “Mom and I were driving. I think we were coming home from something… The car swerved off the road and we ended up in the ditch. We, uh…ran into a power pole. I don’t know what exactly happened but there was a line down, and… Mom got out of the car. I didn’t really… I didn’t see what happened to her, but… I was in the backseat and the…the door was open. I was stuck waiting until someone came, and… Sorry…”

He had to close his eyes for a second, breathing deep. He was getting worked up just talking about it. It was stupid since he could barely remember anything.

What stuck in his mind were those painful long hours of waiting. He remembered how that felt, freezing cold rain and wind blowing into the car, the storm raging. He’d been totally alone and he remembered thinking that maybe no one would come. His mom wouldn’t answer his cries and he’d been so, so scared…

“Don’t apologize,” Dr. Maes said. “Do you need a tissue? There’s some right here. It’s okay if you need to cry. That sounds really, really hard.”

“I’m okay,” he said, blinking rapidly for a moment. “Sorry. Thanks.”

“Again, you don’t need to be sorry,” Dr. Maes told him. “It’s okay to be upset by something awful. I can’t even imagine how terrible that would be.”

“It was years ago. I was, like, five. I can barely remember,” he said. “I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay. That’s fine,” Dr. Maes said. She still set a box of tissues next to him. “Why don’t we get into that some other time. We can talk about your panic attacks and work out some strategies, okay?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’d really like that,” he said. “I… To be honest, I kind of feel a bit crazy sometimes. Freaking out over nothing…”

“It isn’t nothing,” Dr. Maes said. “It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you. It remembers when you go through bad experiences, whether it’s mental, emotional, or physical. Your body is trying to remind you of the previous danger you were in so that you can prepare for anything bad that might happen in the future.”

“Well, it sucks,” Rion said with a small huff.

“It does,” she agreed, “but it isn’t nothing. Panic attacks, and anxiety attacks or flashbacks, can be unpredictable. This is where I come in. I help people find strategies that work for them, that help them manage and reduce those kinds of reactions. It’s not a cure, but there are things we can do to make things easier, so that you can live more comfortably.”

“I definitely like the sound of that,” Rion said. “All of this stuff just makes me tired.”

“I can imagine,” she said. “I’m really happy that you would tell me. Thank you, Rion.”

“I didn’t really do anything, though…”

“You did a lot just now. Communication is important, and it isn’t always easy. You seem great at it.”

“Not as great as you might think,” Rion said with a small smile, “but I have had a lot of practice with Noa. He, uh… He can be really reserved. And quiet. There’ve been times where I’m the only person he’ll talk to.”

“You seem like really good friends,” Dr. Maes said.

“Best friends,” Rion said. “We’ve been best friends since we met. We trust each other with everything.”

And it was probably the reason he felt so comfortable with Dr. Maes. He knew that Noa talked to her. Noa would have said something if he had a problem with her, so she must be good.

“When did you meet?” Dr Maes asked. “It sounds like you’ve been friends for a long time.”

“It was when Noa moved to town and came to stay with the Murphys,” Rion said. He’d never forget. Noa was the first friend he ever made. “It was in 1994. I think we were in grade one or two? We did a science project together. We’ve been best friends since.”

“That’s a really long time.”

“I guess so. We had a lot in common. Our moms were both… I mean, that’s not the only thing, but… He was quiet and alone and I was the same.”

Rion remembered. Both of them were awkward and shy at first. Rion brought up the rumours about Noa’s mom being killed and Noa got uncomfortable. But then Rion told him that his own mom was dead. He’d just sort of…talked, telling Noa how hard it was and how much it sucked.

And then Noa had opened up to him. Rion could still vividly recall the two of them sitting out behind the school at recess, with Noa quietly talking about his parents, about how alone and scared and confused he was, about his dad going to jail. Rion told him about his own dad, who would come home and, after making supper and doing chores, would collapse on the couch with the TV on and not say or do anything.

In only a couple weeks, they were inseparable. Because in a lot of ways, they were the same.

It made Rion feel like he wasn’t alone. He was sure that Noa felt that way too.

“Sounds like you really understand each other,” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah. Definitely,” Rion said. “Anyway, you probably don’t want to hear about all that. It’s just… It’s not important. I think these pain meds are making me ramble… Sorry.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. Feel free to ramble as much as you want. It sounds to me like you need to get a lot off your chest.”

“I guess? I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so… I guess you’re taking the brunt of that. Sorry.”

“Again, you don’t need to say sorry. Though, I do have to ask…what about your friends? Don’t you talk to them? Or your dad?”

“Dad’s usually busy working,” Rion said. “And I don’t really have any friends.”

“No?” Dr. Maes asked. “No one? Just Noa?”

“Well…” Rion began and then let out a long breath. “Okay. So… When we were kids, Noa and I hung out with… I mean, we hung out with the Murphys, obviously. So, Amber and Peter… Danny’s always been really cool. And we used to spend time with Jesse and Celeste because they spent a lot of time with Amber. And…yeah. Danny was friends with Sarina…”

He didn’t want to talk about Sarina. At all.

“It’s different now, though. I only just started talking to everyone again. It’s been six years… It was since Amber died… That’s how long it’s been since we all hung out.”

“Did you drift apart?”

“No. Something really stupid happened. Then everyone got mad at me… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “But you don’t talk to anyone? Not even your dad?”

“Half the time he doesn’t come home,” Rion said. “He’s really busy. He picks up a lot of overtime and he’ll just stay overnight at hotels in the city. I mean, he eventually comes home, but… I don’t want to bother him.”

“Why do you think you’d be bothering him?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion grimaced, thinking about it. “Maybe ‘bother’ is the wrong word. He…he does his own thing. That’s all.”

Dr. Maes hummed. “Well, you can tell me as much as you want. But I think you should maybe try to make some connections. It sounds to me like a lot of people are very worried about you.”

Rion didn’t believe it.

He believed that Noa was worried about him. He probably felt guilty for Rion. He was probably blaming himself right now… But the others? No.

Rion was completely disconnected from them. It was, in part, the friendship bracelets. But because of what he’d done…because of Amber…

If they knew the truth, they’d never be able to forgive him. So they weren’t really his friends. They only cared about him because they believed all the lies. That wasn’t any kind of true friendship.

Only Noa knew the truth. And Noa was the only one who accepted what Rion had done. Even if the reason he did was because he wanted to place all the blame on himself…

“Actually,” Rion said. “Can you, um… Could you do me a favour maybe? Just a small one?”

“That depends,” Dr. Maes said. “What is it?”

“Noa… I’m sure he feels terrible for what happened. He probably thinks it’s his fault,” Rion said. “It’s who he is. He… He’s too hard on himself. Can you tell him that I’m not mad or upset? Can you tell him that I know it was just an accident? I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I was the one who jumped right into the glass like an idiot… I don’t want him to blame himself.”

“I think I can pass that along,” Dr. Maes said.

“Okay,” Rion said, relieved. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem. Actually, since we’re on the subject, do you mind if I ask you a few more questions? I just want to know a little more about what happened last night.”

“Oh, sure,” Rion said. “Go for it.”

Chapter 51 – Rion

Saturday, July 25, 1998

“What kind of girl do you want to date?” Danny asked. “Or marry, I guess. When you grow up.”

“That’s a dumb question,” Noa mumbled from the cabin floor.

It was about thirty-five degrees Celsius and they’d come back from the beach hot and, in the case of Peter and Danny, they were damp from swimming. The others had gone down to the store for ice cream but Rion and the other three had decided to stay and laze around with glasses of ice water from the fridge.

“Why’s it dumb?” Danny asked.

“Because it is,” Noa said.

Rion, who was lying next to him on the floor, giggled at the response.

“It’s an easy answer for me,” Peter said, fanning himself with a National Geographic. “I don’t care if she’s pretty or talented or anything like that. I want a girl who plays video games.”

Rion and Noa both burst out laughing.

“No, but like, that’s a perfect answer!” Danny said, throwing his hands up in the air. “I’m with you! I’d like to have a girlfriend or a wife or whatever who likes video games. The kind of girl who likes to do fun stuff! Then it’s like you’d get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend!”

That gave Rion pause. Spending the rest of your life with your best friend? Yeah, he liked the sound of that. But…

“I already have a best friend,” Noa said.

Danny moved to grin at him. “But it could be cool to have a girl best friend. Right? I’m best friends with Sarina.”

Noa made a face. “Don’t tell me you want to date her…”

“No way!” Danny said, flopping over onto his side, giggling. “Never! She’s like one of my brothers! It would be weird to date anyone, but Sarina would be the weirdest. I’m just saying you should go out with a girl you really, really like. Right? Doesn’t that make sense?”

“Makes sense to me,” Peter said.

“I don’t like any girls,” Rion said.

“Me neither,” Noa added.

“That’s because you’re kids and all the girls you know are kids,” Peter said, sticking his nose in the air like he knew more than they did. “It’s different when you’re older. Girls get cooler. And prettier.”

“Nothing will ever make Sarina cooler or prettier,” Noa said.

“You’re so mean,” Danny laughed. “Come on. She’s not that bad. I mean, sure, she gets a little weird sometimes but that’s just, like, a Sarina thing. Mom says she just doesn’t get enough attention.”

“She keeps asking me to draw her stuff,” Noa said. “It’s annoying. She bugs me all the time about everything. She gets worse every day. I don’t like it.”

“She tried to steal one of Noa’s sketchbooks this morning,” Rion added.

“Yeah,” Noa said. “She doesn’t listen to me when I tell her to stop.”

Danny grinned and looked over at Peter, but Peter just shrugged.

“You don’t have to like her,” he said. “It’s not like Sarina is the only girl you know.”

“Yeah. There’s Monique, Sophie, Celeste, and Jolie…” Danny began to list off. “Who’s in your grade? Kimberly? Danielle?”

Noa shrugged indifferently and Rion did the same. It wasn’t that he hated the girls in his class. Some of them were really nice. Monique could even be cool sometimes, when she wasn’t hanging out with Sarina.

But dating or getting married? That was ages away. That was grown-up stuff. And looking at Jesse and Amber… They both seemed really happy, but Rion silently agreed with Noa; all of that hand holding and stuff was gross.

“I don’t think I want to get married,” Rion said.

“Well, you don’t have to,” Danny said. “What about you, Noa?”

“Not to any of the girls I know,” Noa said. “Dating and stuff is gross.”

“It is not,” Danny said, grinning. “It’s like being extra special best friends!”

“But I already have Rion,” Noa said. “He’s my extra special best friend. I don’t want another one.”

For some reason, that made Rion feel weird. His face suddenly felt hot, and he quickly realized he was blushing in embarrassment. He rolled onto his stomach and grabbed his water. He took a drink to try and hide his face.

Peter let out a bark of laughter. “That’s not the same at all, Noa.”

“I don’t care,” Noa said. “Rion’s my best friend. I don’t want to replace him with some girl.”

“You wouldn’t be replacing him,” Peter said. “It’s a different kind of relationship. You can date a girl and still have a best friend.”

“That’s right!” Danny agreed. “Like, I could still be best friends with Sarina and have a girlfriend. Just look at Amber and Celeste – they’re still best friends even though Amber’s dating Jesse. It’s not the same thing.”

“Well, I agree with Rion. I don’t want to get married. Or date,” Noa said conclusively.

“Okay. Fine then,” Danny said, grinning at them. “The two of you can be single forever.”

“Single? What?”

Amber and Jesse had just come back to the cabin, walking in the open front door. They had plastic bags full of snacks in hand.

Rion and Noa both sat up, the other two doing the same.

“We were just talking about dating and stuff,” Danny said.

“Aren’t you guys a bit young for that?” Amber said, heading to the kitchen, setting the snacks down on the counter.

“I’m not,” Peter said, puffing up. “Especially if you’re not that young for it. You’re not that much older than me.”

Amber rolled his eyes at him. “Sure thing, Peter.”

“I’m not a little kid,” Peter said quickly. “I could date a girl. If I really wanted to.”

“There’s no rush,” Jesse said. “You should only go out with someone you really like.”

“That’s right,” Amber said, taking drinks out of one of the bags and putting them in the fridge. “And that special someone has to like you back.”

She looked pointedly at Peter when she said it. He glared right back, looking like he was considering tossing a cushion at her.

“Peter’s got the right idea. He said he wants to date a girl who plays video games,” Danny spoke up. “And Noa and Rion said they don’t want to be with anyone at all.”

Rion ducked down again. He didn’t want to talk about it. For some reason, he was feeling really embarrassed and he felt funny about the whole thing. Why? It was stupid.

“Oh, well, that’s fine,” Amber said. “It’s way too early to decide that kind of stuff anyway.”

“Give it a few more years,” Jesse added with a smile.

“It’s gross,” Noa said again.

“There’s nothing gross about dating,” Danny insisted. “Come on, Noa…”

“What did you get at the store?” Rion asked, wanting to change the topic.

“Some chips and drinks,” Jesse said.

“The others should be back right away,” Amber added, “they were just finishing their ice cream. The Labelles are probably going to head home, though.”

“Aw, too bad! We’re gonna have to say goodbye to Celeste,” Danny said.

“Claude has heat stroke, I think,” Jesse said.

“Yeah,” Amber said. “He was out in the sun a lot today. He isn’t feeling well.”

“What about my family?” Danny asked. “We’re not calling it early, right?”

“No, but Angelo disappeared somewhere,” Jesse said. “He went off for a walk. I think Gabe was going to go and take a look for him.”

“Urgh… Again?” Danny groaned, flopping backwards onto the couch. “He always disappears at the lake! So annoying!”

Rion noticed how Amber smiled and shared a glance with Jesse, who smiled back. What was that about?

“I’m sure he’ll turn up,” Jesse said. “He always does.”

“I think he said something about going fishing,” Amber said. She made a face, like she was trying to think about it really hard, but she couldn’t stop herself from grinning. “I think that’s what he said back when he gave me a ride out here to pick up Noa’s sketchbook.”

Rion could feel Noa shift next to him. He turned and their eyes met. Noa quickly looked down.

Noa had been really upset and worried about leaving the sketchbook behind. He hadn’t wanted anyone to see. He’d only ever shown Rion and maybe his therapist what he drew in there. Rion remembered how Noa panicked when they got back and he realized he didn’t have the sketchbook with him. Amber had offered to go and get it for him.

When Rion turned back, Amber was looking his way. He quickly glanced down.

“Angelo does not fish,” Danny said. “Who likes fishing? It’s so boring!”

“The point is, he’ll be back,” Jesse said. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

That was when the others arrived. Sarina came bounding in first, followed by Monique.

“Noa!” she cried out. “Monique and I got candy! Want some?”

“No,” Noa said as he got to his feet. “Rion, want to go play Mario? Let’s beat that water level you’ve been stuck on.”

“Yeah, okay,” Rion said, getting up.

“Oh, come on! No fair!” Sarina complained as the adults came in behind them. It was a crowd. “You guys can play Game Boy later!”

“We want to play now,” Noa said. He took Rion by the hand and gave him a tug. They weaved around the couch. “Talk to you later, Sarina.”

Sarina let out another protest but Noa darted into the bedroom, pulling Rion along. He closed the door behind him and let out a breath.

“Too many people?” Rion asked.

“Yeah,” Noa said.

They were still holding hands. Rion suddenly felt awkward about it and pulled away. Even though he still wanted to hold hands.

Why was it making him feel weird? There was nothing wrong with it…

“They’re our friends,” Rion said. “They’re not scary or anything.”

“I just don’t like it,” Noa said. “I don’t know what to say to anyone. I think of something and then someone else says it before I can, and I just get more and more quiet… They don’t need us anyway.”

“I guess,” Rion said.

He went and grabbed his Game Boy. He sat on the bed and Noa plopped down next to him. He flicked the on switch, tilting the screen towards the window so that he could catch some sunlight and see things better. He would use his Worm Light, but it drained the batteries faster…

“We’re going to be best friends forever, right?”

“What?” Rion said, turning to Noa.

“We’re going to be best friends forever,” Noa repeated, “right?”

“Yeah. Of course,” Rion said. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I don’t know,” Noa said. “If you got a girlfriend or got married like Danny said…and a girl was your best friend…”

“What?” Rion said again, but this time it was with a laugh. “That’s for sure not going to happen. Never. And even if it did, you’d still be my best friend. No matter what.”

Noa’s gaze was searching. “Really? You promise?”

“Pinky promise?” Rion asked, holding up a hand.

Noa hooked their fingers together. They shook.

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Rion said.

“Stick a needle in my eye,” Noa added.

Rion grinned and Noa smiled back.

“There. Don’t worry about it,” Rion said. “We’re best friends.”

“Forever,” Noa added.

“Yeah. Forever and ever,” Rion said. “Now, help me beat this level. And stop worrying about stupid things like girls.”

Chapter 52 – Noa

Saturday, October 2, 2004

When Noa woke up, Gary arranged for him to have a meal. He was given a very sad paper plate with some sandwiches.

Noa was annoyed with himself. He hadn’t intended to fall asleep after his talk with Dr. Maes. He laid down and closed his eyes for a few minutes and somehow dozed off.

He was equally annoyed with his sandwiches. He didn’t want to eat, even though he felt hunger gnawing at him. The bread was dry and unappetizing. He picked away at it, nibbling small bites. He only ate half a sandwich before giving up and laying back down on his good side.

“Hey, Noa.”

Noa curled in on himself further. Gary was still there, watching him. Noa didn’t think he’d left the room at all when he’d fallen asleep.

He hated it.

“Is there anything you like to do?” Gary continued. “You must be pretty bored.”

“I like drawing,” Noa muttered. He really missed his sketchbooks. “And painting. And music. And video games.”

“Oh, nice. What’s your favourite game?” Gary asked.

Noa shrugged.

“I’m pretty big into Halo but you’re a bit young for that, technically. Not that that stops a lot of kids,” Gary said. “Are you into FPS games or are you more of an RPG kind of guy…?”

Annoying. Gary was annoying. Noa didn’t want to answer, balling himself up.

“…Well, that’s cool,” Gary said when Noa didn’t respond. “Did you want me to get you something to draw with? I can bring some things in for you, if you want. We could even wheel in a TV and put on a movie or something. Feel up to that?”

Noa hesitated and then turned to glance over at Gary. “You can get art supplies?”

“Yeah. For sure,” Gary said. “Do you want me to?”

“Yes,” Noa said.

It was an easy thing to agree to. Art gave him an outlet, freedom. He could draw anything, immerse himself in anything he could imagine. If he could think of it, he could draw it. It made him feel in control and it let him express things that he couldn’t put into words.

He wanted his sketchbooks most of all, but he was sure that he wouldn’t get them. Still, anything was better than nothing.

“Done,” Gary said. “Art supplies. Got it. Just one second.”

He got up and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Noa sat up, surprised. There was a way to make his nurse leave? Were they not watching him as hard as he thought? Or did Dr. Maes say something? Or…

Or was it that Noa was locked in a room with nothing to hurt himself with?

He relaxed a little. That would make more sense. And it was a good thing, as far as Noa was concerned. It meant that maybe he could get them to leave him alone. He could have some privacy…

But before Noa could seriously consider it, the door was opening again. Gary was back and he wasn’t alone.

“Looks like you have some visitors, Noa,” Gary announced.

It was the Murphys; his aunt, uncle, and Peter. They looked worn down and tired as they came in but somehow all of them still managed to smile.

It was weird seeing them here. They looked normal, dressed in regular clothes and winter coats. It clashed with the hospital atmosphere and all the gowns and scrubs. It made him feel underdressed and exposed.

“Hey, Noa,” Aunt Elaine greeted him.

“I’ll get you guys some chairs,” Gary offered. “One minute.”

He slipped out again, leaving the four of them alone together.

Noa sat straight. The stitches in his side prickled in complaint but he ignored them.

“Hi,” he said.

“How are you feeling?” Uncle Charlie asked.

“Awful,” Noa said honestly.

“I’ll bet,” his aunt said. “They told us you got stitches.”

“I fell on a big piece of glass.”

“That…that must have really hurt.”

Noa didn’t know what to say or how to feel. He gave a small nod to show that he was listening.

Gary came back with some chairs for them, interrupting them with perfect timing.

“I’ll just step out for a bit and give you some privacy,” Gary said. “The call button is that red button above the bed. Just press it if you need anything. Okay?”

“Okay,” Peter said.

“Thank you,” Uncle Charlie added.

Gary left them again. The Murphys all pulled up chairs. Noa, meanwhile, pulled his pillow closer, fiddling with the corner.

“Noa, what happened?” Peter finally asked, breaking the silence.

Noa knew the question was coming, but he didn’t want to answer. He hunched his shoulders, curling inwards.

“We’ve all been really worried,” Peter continued. “And Rion’s hurt. Why? What went on between you? Why did you–?”

“Peter,” Aunt Elaine said. “Noa might not be ready to talk about it.”

“I know that, but I can’t just not ask,” Peter said, his voice strained. “Everyone was really, really worried. We were all really scared, Noa. Why did you…? Was it the pictures?”

Noa shrugged stiffly, keeping his gaze down. He switched from picking at his pillow to picking at the bandages on his hands.

He didn’t want to talk about the pictures.

They were proof, evidence of what happened the day Amber died. They were blurry and unfocused, the camera lens having been pressed up against Amber’s knees, but Noa could tell what they were. It was proof that he and Rion had carried Amber’s body into the cabin.

He remembered Amber’s blood on his hands, hot, heavy, sticky…

“Noa…” Peter began again.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Noa said, swallowing thickly.

“But why?”

Aunt Elaine put a hand on her son’s arm. “Peter…”

Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was fighting to calm down. Noa didn’t blame him. Peter was right to be upset.

“We’re just worried about you, Noa,” Uncle Charlie said. “It’s okay if you need some time to work through things.”

Noa looked at them – really looked. They were tired and worn down. It was obvious because of Peter. He was normally calmer and more composed.

It hurt to see them like this. Because Noa knew he did this to them. It was his fault. He made them stress and worry and lose sleep…

Why couldn’t they see that he was the problem?

“Rion and I had a stupid argument,” Noa finally said. “It was my fault. I broke the glasses. I… I’m sorry for making a mess.”

“Oh, Noa, that’s the least of our concerns,” Aunt Elaine said. “We know you didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”

She was right but Noa was tempted to lie and contradict her. He wanted her to be angry, not forgiving. She should be angry. They all should be.

“We were all so scared,” Peter said. “The others have been calling, wanting to know if you and Rion are okay…”

More people that were hurt by him. Danny and Celeste and Jesse…

Noa was poison. He was toxic.

“I should have drowned…”

The words came out before he could stop them. But it was true. He meant it.

“What?” Aunt Elaine said. “What are you…? No.”

“I should have been drowned as a kid,” Noa said more firmly this time, committing to his own words. “I do things wrong. I wreck everything. I hurt people. I hurt you. My parents were right about me. I should have died. I should be dead. Because then I couldn’t hurt you and you could all be happy without me.”

They looked shocked and hurt and Noa hated it. Because they weren’t angry. He could tell they didn’t agree with him at all. And he was hurting them even more just by speaking but he had to try and make them understand.

And it was true. Everything he said was the truth.

Every day was hard for Noa, living in the Murphy home. Every day he was reminded of what he had done the second he stepped out of his room and he saw Amber’s closed door. It made even happy times with his aunt and uncle or Peter hurt because he knew what he’d done. Not just to Amber but to them. There was no escaping it.

Noa killed Amber. He was a murderer living under the Murphys’ roof. He killed his own cousin, his aunt and uncle’s daughter, Peter’s sister… And they cared and worried about him.

How was that right? How did that make sense?

It made Noa sick to his stomach.

“Noa…” Aunt Elaine began. “We love you–”

“It’s my fault Amber’s dead,” Noa cut her off.

“No, it’s not,” Per said. “We know you did everything you could. It was an electrical fire, just some stupid, awful faulty wiring. You burned your hand trying to save her–”

Why did everyone think that? Why did that always keep coming up? Who told them that lie? Was it Rion? Did they just assume?

How could his burned hand, the one he’d braced on a burning wall like an idiot, be turned into something selfless and heroic? That wasn’t him. He wasn’t good.

But he couldn’t tell them the truth. If he told them he pushed Amber, then he’d have to explain how she got into the cabin. He’d have to tell them how the fire started.

He couldn’t tell them that Rion put Amber in the bathtub…

He couldn’t tell them that Rion…

He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to believe that it was true, even though he’d seen it with his own eyes. It wasn’t Rion’s fault! He only wanted to protect him…

Noa was forced to swallow the lie. And he hated it.

“Get out,” he said.

“Noa–” his uncle began this time.

“Get out!” Noa snapped, raising his voice. “Go away! You don’t understand anything!”

He threw himself down on the bed with too much force, smothering his face into his pillow. His side strained in pain from the sharp movement but he didn’t care.

“Noa!”

“No, no! Peter, let’s… If he wants us to go then we should.”

“But he–!”

“Your father’s right. Let’s… We can come back later.”

Noa could hear them talking but he lay there, stiff and still and unresponsive. He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to shut them out.

Chapter 53 – Peter

Saturday, October 2, 2004

Peter was unsatisfied and drained as they left Noa’s room and headed down the hall to see Rion.

He didn’t understand. He was frustrated. He was lost.

Peter desperately wanted to know what was going through Noa’s head, wanted to know why he’d lashed out at Rion. It didn’t make any sense. And Noa still wasn’t telling them anything. It was almost worse to hear him talk, despite the years of silence.

Noa spoke with such disgust and self-loathing. It was foreign. He’d said similar things before, but never in that tone. It was heartbreaking.

Why was Noa so upset with himself? And why had he gotten mad at Rion? Why did he try to hurt himself? Why was he rejecting everyone close to him?

None of it made any sense.

“Hey,” his dad spoke up. “Peter. How are you holding up?”

“Barely at all,” Peter said honestly.

He realized he’d slowed down, dragging his feet. He rubbed at his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath.

He still hadn’t slept. They’d gone home for a while before they’d come to see Noa, but it hadn’t done any good. They had something to eat and drink and then sat around, not saying much.

“Do you need a break?” his mom asked. “We could go home if you’re not up to visiting Rion.”

“I’m up for it,” Peter said. “I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” his mom said. “Say something if you change your mind.”

Peter wasn’t about to. Rion might know more about what happened. And honestly, he was probably alone, all by himself in the hospital. Peter had his doubts about Rion’s dad hanging around.

“It’s fine,” Peter said. “I just wish there was something I could do. I feel useless.”

“You’re not useless,” his dad told him. “Noa doesn’t want to see us right now. It’s hard and it hurts, but we’re still here to support him. He just needs some space.”

“I hope so,” Peter said. “Let’s just… Let’s go. I want to see Rion.”

They didn’t have much farther to go. Pediatrics was on the fourth floor, so they only needed to turn around a couple of hallways to find the right room number where they’d been told he was staying.

Unlike Noa’s sparse, empty room, Rion’s was much more like a regular hospital room. Stepping inside, there was even a closet and nightstand, both things that Noa didn’t have. But most shocking of all, one of the first things Peter spotted when he walked in, was Rion’s dad.

Peter did not expect him to be there. Even though he’d been told that Mr. Blum had stopped by earlier…

And then Peter saw Rion.

When they’d visited Noa, he’d been in bad shape. Noa was bruised and bandaged. He looked completely miserable, folding in on himself. Peter felt bad just looking at him.

Rion looked even worse.

The black eye that Sarina gave him had faded to nothing, but there was a fresh dark bruise on his jaw and several cuts across the right side of his face. The parts of him that stuck out from the sheets were bandaged up like a mummy. Both hands were wrapped up and so was almost the entirety of his right arm.

He looked horrible but somehow, Rion still managed to perk up when they walked in. He looked surprised to see them.

“Oh, hey! Wow!” Rion said. “Hi.”

He was certainly more upbeat than Noa, even though he looked like he’d been put through a blender.

“Hey,” Mr. Blum added. “Charlie, Elaine, it’s been a while.”

“Hart,” Peter’s dad returned, already smiling tiredly. He looked equally surprised to see Mr. Blum. “It’s been too long. How are you?”

“Well…” Mr. Blum began and smiled awkwardly, gesturing to Rion. “I’m not doing great, but…I’ve been told we got lucky.”

“Lucky?” Peter’s mom repeated in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Just got some stitches and stuff. It’s just cuts and bruises. It looks worse than it is. I’ll be okay.”

It was so hard to hear that come out of his mouth, especially considering the state he was in. Peter almost wondered how he could say it in the first place. But then he remembered Sarina had been hunting him down for years.

Peter sincerely hoped that Sarina and her friends had never beaten Rion this badly. He didn’t think that was the case, but the flippant way that Rion talked about his injuries… He couldn’t help but wonder.

Maybe he really should call the police and be done with them for good.

“You look like you were run over by a car,” Peter said, not mincing his words.

Rion let out a weak attempt at a laugh. “Kinda feels like it. I promise I’m doing okay, though. They’re giving me lots of pain meds. And dad’s visiting.”

“I took a few weeks off work,” Mr. Blum added, clearing his throat. “I’m going to be around for the next little while.”

“That’s great news,” Peter’s dad said. “Maybe we should all get together sometime while you’re free.”

“It’s been ages since we’ve spent time together,” his mom added.

“That sounds… Yes. It’s been too long,” Rion’s dad said. “We should make plans. I’m not sure I want to do anything this week since…you know.”

“Of course,” Peter’s mom said. “Noa’s in the hospital too. We just saw him. It’s…it’s hard.”

“It is,” Mr. Blum agreed.

“Say, how long have you been here?” Peter’s dad asked.

“About two hours.”

“Want to head down to the main floor and grab a coffee? You should stretch your legs.”

Mr. Blum spared a reluctant glance at Rion. “Well…I don’t know…”

“It’s okay,” Rion said. “You should go. Catch up.”

“I’ll keep Rion company,” Peter added. “Just get me a coffee on the way back.”

“I guess we could do that,” Mr. Blum said and turned back to Rion. “Do you want anything?”

Rion thought about it for a second and then said, “Chocolate.”

“Chocolate? Like chocolate milk or…?”

“Anything chocolate.”

The adults slipped out of the room together. Peter stole Mr. Blum’s seat. Part of him wanted to immediately start grilling Rion about what happened, but seeing him… Peter just felt tired. He sank into the chair.

“Hey,” Peter said. “Are you really doing okay?”

“I feel awful,” Rion said. “But I’m okay, yeah.”

“I’m pretty sure that feeling awful isn’t okay,” Peter said, letting out a long breath. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I should have been there…”

“It’s fine. It was an accident,” Rion said. “Noa and I were emotional and started arguing. It was stupid. I… I’m the one who’s sorry. It’s my fault.”

“No,” Peter said. “You… I mean… What happened? We just saw Noa. He’s really upset and told us to go away. I… I’m trying to understand what’s going on, but nothing makes sense to me.”

Rion glanced down at his lap. He was pinching the sheets between his fingers, picking at them.

“Noa was just upset because we looked at those pictures…” Rion said. “It was my fault. I don’t even know why I asked to see them. I should have… I should have just left them alone.”

“I don’t understand why Noa got so upset,” Peter said. “He still hasn’t completely calmed down. He’s not talking about what happened. I know that looking at those pictures is… It’s hard. They make me emotional too. But I don’t understand why he had such a negative reaction.”

“Noa… It’s hard for him,” Rion said. “It’s hard for me too. It was… It’s hard to think about that day.”

But that didn’t explain anything.

Peter knew that Noa had taken Amber’s death really hard. He’d stayed hidden in his room for days after, crying into a pillow, refusing to eat. Peter knew that being there, seeing the fire firsthand… That had to be a really horrible, terrible experience.

But Rion wasn’t completely losing it over the pictures. And Peter missed Amber too – she was his sister. And while he knew he hadn’t been there and it wasn’t the same, he felt like things had slowly gotten better over time. Amber’s death was sad. It was awful. But she had died six years ago…

Was it harder on Noa somehow? Was it because Noa tried to save Amber and burned his hand? Was it guilt that he hadn’t been able to do anything? Guilt that he lived and Amber didn’t?

Maybe Peter was looking too hard for an answer that wasn’t there. But what else could he do?

“I guess,” was all Peter could say to Rion.

“I’m really sorry. About everything,” Rion said.

“Don’t be,” Peter said. “I’m sorry that I left the house. I should have stayed there until someone else came. I should have been there.”

Just like he should have gone to the cabin back then. He should have been there with Noa and Rion and Amber.

If he’d been there, maybe he could have done something or noticed something or saved Amber. But he hadn’t wanted to go.

He remembered that day all too well. Peter had begged to stay late at a friend’s so that they could play games that evening. He hadn’t wanted to spend another overnight at the cabin. He’d wanted to go the next day.

Instead, his parents had come to pick him up before he’d even been expected home. They’d frantically explained about the cabin, about the fire. And they’d driven out…

Somehow, Peter hadn’t learned his lesson. He left Noa and Rion and then…

Danny had been left alone to deal with everything. He was stuck watching a fight unfold that no one had anticipated, a fight that he shouldn’t have had to deal with on his own.

Peter should have been there.

“It’s okay,” Rion told him. “It’s done now anyway. And…and Noa and I will be okay.”

Peter had about a million things he wanted to say in response to that. He swallowed it all down.

“Yeah,” he said. “Just take it easy and rest, okay? Get better.”

“That’s all I can do,” Rion said. “Oh. I met with Dr. Maes. She’s really nice.”

“Yeah?” Peter said. “Did she ask you what happened?”

“Pretty much everyone asked what happened,” Rion said. “But, um… Dr. Maes wants to have some more sessions with me. I think I’m into it. So, I guess you were right about that therapy stuff. I’m going to give it a shot.”

And finally, finally, Peter had something to feel good about.

“That’s great,” he said in relief. “That’s really good to hear. Dr. Maes is awesome with Noa. I think you’ll really like her.”

“I think so too,” Rion said. “I’m pretty sure I gave her a weird impression, though. I feel really high on these pain meds. I don’t think I’ve talked this much in ages. Makes my throat and mouth dry.”

Rion probably hadn’t had anyone to talk to for a long time. Peter wasn’t surprised.

“Maybe it’s a good thing that you’re talking so much,” Peter said. “Did you tell Dr. Maes about Sarina?”

“…No…”

“I think you should.”

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

“Obviously it’s up to you, but I think it’s a good idea.”

“I don’t even want to think about Sarina,” Rion said, closing his eyes for a moment, his lips pressed into an unhappy line. “My doctor noticed my old bruises, I guess. He told my dad and now I have to deal with that because he thinks I’m getting into fights.”

Peter wondered if he should say something to Rion’s doctor, just in case they thought Rion’s dad was hurting him. Mr. Blum was normally absent and didn’t deserve any potential blame for something Sarina did. Then again, if the doctor told Mr. Blum…maybe they didn’t suspect him?

“Your dad’s not wrong,” Peter said.

“Yeah, but… I don’t know,” Rion sighed. “I don’t want to deal with it.”

“Think about mentioning it to Dr. Maes,” Peter said. “It’s your choice, but I think it’s a good idea.”

“We’ll see…” Rion said.

He was silent, picking at his sheets for another moment. Then he glanced up, studying Peter with mismatched eyes.

“So…you said you’ve seen Noa?”

“Yeah,” Peter said. “We did.”

“Is he okay?” Rion asked.

“He’s in better shape than you,” Peter said. “He needed some stitches along his side. The doctors expect him to make a quick recovery.”

“Everyone’s been telling me that he’s okay, but I’m worried,” Rion said. “He was so… I want to see him. The doctors don’t want me walking just yet because my feet are all cut up. I can’t do anything and it sucks.”

“I’ll bet,” Peter said. “Noa can’t have a lot of visitors right now so you probably won’t be able to see him. Not yet, at least. He doesn’t want to see anyone right now, so…”

“He would see me.”

“I’m not so sure…”

“No. He would see me,” Rion said with complete confidence. “He might be mad at me still, but… I know him. I know how he is. I’m pretty sure he wants to see me as much as I want to see him.”

And maybe Rion was right. The two of them had always been close. They seemed inseparable as kids and they had reconnected like six years apart meant nothing to them.

But Peter didn’t have a say in getting them together. And he didn’t think it was a good idea, with how Noa was acting.

“I’m sure that once you feel a bit better, they’ll let you see him,” Peter said. “But for now, you’d better rest and take care of yourself.”

“Is he blaming himself?” Rion asked.

The question stung, but only because the answer was yes.

“He said that it was his fault that Amber died,” Peter said.

“He’s wrong,” Rion said. “It’s not his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was an accident. I was there. I remember.”

“I know,” Peter said. “Everyone knows. Noa… He just can’t see it that way.”

Rion let out a long, exhausted sigh. “I wish there was some way to convince him. I really tried… I’ve done everything I could. I… I dunno. Sorry. I’m rambling.”

“It’s fine,” Peter assured him. “Maybe you should try and rest. No one will mind if you need to sleep. You’re really hurt.”

Rion shook his head. “No. I want to stay awake until dad leaves. Besides, I might get some chocolate.”

“Yeah,” Peter said and smiled. “Okay. Just take it easy.”

Chapter 54 – Noa

Saturday, September 19, 1998

Rion was dropped off at the Murphys’ in the morning. Mr. Blum offered them soft condolences and then he was off to work.

Noa’s aunt, uncle, and Peter were still getting ready for the funeral. Peter broke down crying in the living room and Aunt Elaine hurried to comfort him, already in tears herself.

Noa, not wanting to watch, went upstairs.

He hoped that Rion wouldn’t follow him. He hoped the barrier that was Amber’s bedroom door would keep him away. Noa had to turn away from it, facing the wall as he shuffled to his door. The hair stood up on the back of his neck and his breath came short.

He couldn’t look. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to see it.

Amber’s room was still the same, but it was missing Amber. She was gone. She was never coming back.

He made it to his room, but Rion followed him, copying him by edging along the wall. He’d closed his eyes tight, his face scrunched up in distress, feeling along the wall until he found the door to Noa’s room, pulling himself inside.

Noa turned away from Rion and the door.

His bandaged hand was aching. He picked at the fresh wrapping, wanting to peel it away. Whenever they unwrapped it, they treated it with special burn cream, and he was able to see the reddened, warped skin. It fascinated him and made him sick.

The doctor said he was lucky. He didn’t have nerve damage. He could still feel and draw and use his hand normally.

He was lucky.

Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky Noa.

Lucky that his parents hadn’t drowned him. Lucky that he’d only fractured a rib. Lucky that he didn’t have brain damage from lack of oxygen. Lucky that he didn’t inhale too much water because the fingers wrapped around his throat squeezed so tight. Lucky that Mother was dead. Lucky that Father was in jail.

Lucky that the Murphys had taken him in. Lucky that he was loved. Lucky that he still had a roof over his head.

Lucky that he’d escaped the cabin and the fire. Lucky that his only injury was to his hand. Lucky that he could still use it. Lucky that he was alive.

If Noa was ‘lucky’, it was some sort of terrible curse. He hated it. He didn’t want it!

Noa would trade all his ‘luck' for Amber to be alive again.

“Noa…?”

Noa realized that he was staring vacantly at his bandaged hand. He dropped it down to his side and remained silent.

“Noa,” Rion said again. “Are you…? I… I’m sorry. I thought…”

“Don’t be sorry,” Noa said, flexing his fingers. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But… No. I… I put Amber in the…with the…and I…”

“Don’t!” Noa said.

He didn’t want to hear it. He already knew. He’d seen everything. He didn’t want to make it more real than it already was.

The bathtub.

The blow dryer.

Amber…

He remembered Rion crying on the bathroom floor, curled up, lost. If Noa hadn’t grabbed him, he might have stayed there and burned with the rest of the cabin.

Noa felt like he was going to throw up. Thinking about it made him dizzy.

It was Noa. Everything was his fault. He’d driven Rion to something so horrible. He might as well have done it all himself.

It was him. It was Noa. It was always him.

He turned to Rion who was staring at him with tear filled eyes.

“Noa…”

“I pushed her,” Noa said. He lifted his burned hand. “I pushed her with this.”

Noa remembered Amber’s brief warmth. It was like she was still there, like it happened moments ago. He remembered the pressure, Amber’s weight as he pushed her away. And Amber had kept going, falling backwards.

Noa looked her right in the eye. She stared into him as she fell.

He’d been the last thing she’d ever seen.

He’d never forget.

Never.

“She slipped,” Rion said. “I saw it. Her foot went backwards over the edge. It was an accident. You didn’t mean to.”

Noa knew it was his fault. He didn’t want to argue so he said nothing. Rion squirmed in the silence.

“If…if anyone finds out… Tell them that I did it,” Rion said. “Tell them it was me. I…I can… Don’t worry about me. I’m the one who… If they want to send someone to jail, I’ll go.”

“No one knows.”

“But if they find out…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Rion fell silent. Tears were streaking down his face and his lips were quivering.

Neither one of them said anything for a long time. Noa could hear the Murphys moving around downstairs. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend that things were normal, that things were okay, that Amber was in the other room, and everything was fine, fine, fine, fine, fine–

Rion let out a strangled gasp. Noa looked up.

Rion was looking into the garbage bin next to his desk. He leaned over, reached in, and pulled out Noa’s friendship bracelet.

“Noa…” Rion gasped out.

“Drop it,” Noa said.

“It’s your…it’s your bracelet…” Rion said, staring at him with wide eyes.

Rion’s bracelet was still tied around his wrist, a perfect match for Noa’s, which dangled from his fingers.

“It’s garbage,” Noa said.

“Amber made it for you,” Rion said, his voice spiking to something high and strained and foreign. “You can’t throw it away.”

“It’s a lie,” Noa said, balling his hands into firsts at his side. His burned hand pricked in pain like he was squeezing a thousand needles in his grip. “It’s a lie. It’s not true. I killed her! I’m…I’m a murderer. I’m just like my father…”

He was evil and bad like his father. It made sense. It was the only thing that made sense. It had to be the reason for everything.

“You’re not!” Rion said. He glanced at the door with wide eyes. “Noa, you’re not. That’s not true. It was an accident. You didn’t… And I was the one who… I…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Noa ground out. “Amber’s dead.”

Rion grimaced, squeezing the bracelet in his grip. “Then…then, let me keep it for you. You can’t… You can’t throw it away.”

Noa kept his jaw clamped shut.

He hated this. He hated it.

He was getting angrier and angrier and angrier. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to be here with Rion, talking about the friendship bracelet, thinking about how he killed Amber and how evil, evil, evil he was…

“Please, you can’t throw it away,” Rion said, tears streaming down his face. “Let me keep it for you. You might want it again one day. Amber…s-she made it for you. She… Please, Noa…”

Noa stormed over and ripped the bracelet from Rion’s grip. He whipped around to his desk, searching for his scissors. He knocked over his pencil holder, spilling everything everywhere and somehow, in the mess, he spotted the glint of metal.

He snatched up the scissors and took them to the bracelet in a furry. He snipped twice and when it didn’t cut through the third time he pushed, using the sharpness to shred through knotted threads.

“No!”

Rion knocked into him, grabbing at his hands, trying to rip the friendship bracelet out of his grip. Noa reefed it back, jerking it towards himself. Rion stumbled against him.

“Stop it! Let go!”

“Noa, don’t!”

Noa pulled as hard as he could, trying to rip the bracelet out of Rion’s grip. He reached around with his other hand, the scissors still in his grip, trying to push Rion away with the heel of his palm. The scissors slipped open when he moved–

Rion let out a horrible screech, stumbling back.

Noa stood, scissors in one hand, bracelet in the other. Rion backed away, holding his hand.

He was bleeding.

There was a line of red on the back of Rion’s hand. It spread and spread and spread, blood overflowing. Rion slapped his other hand over it, clenching tight, catching drops of blood before they could fall. He held it close, scrunching his eyes shut, a guttural, painful whine coming from the back of his throat.

The scissors fell from Noa’s grip. The shredded remains of the bracelet dangled off his fingertips.

He cut Rion.

He stabbed Rion.

He hurt Rion. Noa hurt Rion. He stabbed him. He cut him. Rion was bleeding. He was hurt. Noa did that.

It was him. It was him. It was him. It was him.

“A-aahn…iigh… It hurts!” Rion gasped out.

Noa snapped back to reality. He darted to his laundry bin, pulling out a T-shirt and stuffing it into Rion’s hands. Then he bolted over to his nightstand, ripping the drawer open with shaking hands, shoving everything aside until he found the small first aid kit hidden at the bottom.

He forced it open, shaking the contents out on the bed. A giant Band-Aid caught his eye and he snatched it, ripping it open with his teeth before hurrying back to Rion’s side.

Rion had wrapped the shirt around his hand. His breathing was sharp and high. It scared Noa.

What if Rion was hurt really, really bad? What if he needed to go to the hospital?

What if Noa killed Rion just like he killed Amber?

“I got… I got a Band-Aid,” Noa said. He didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice as it wavered and trembled. “I’m sorry. I…I’m so sorry, Rion. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

Rion didn’t answer. Gritting his teeth, he lifted the shirt.

His hand was stained red. The gash gushed blood as soon as the fabric lifted. Rion covered it up again, whimpering.

The Band-Aid slipped between Noa’s trembling fingers and hit the floor.

He needed something else. He needed… Noa needed to clean up the blood. He had to…

He bent down and grabbed the Band-Aid off the floor. He took several sharp breaths.

“Rion… Close your eyes,” Noa said.

“What?” Rion said, looking at him tearfully. “Wh-why…?”

“We need to…to wash your hand…” Noa said. “It’s… We need to.”

“O-okay…”

Rion closed his eyes and Noa pushed him along, out the door and into the hall. He focused on the bathroom, not looking at Amber’s door. He guided Rion with one hand and gripped the bandage in the other.

He couldn't hear his aunt, uncle, and cousin. Maybe they’d gone outside. Maybe they hadn’t heard…

They couldn’t have heard, otherwise they would have come running to check on them.

Noa urged Rion into the bathroom and turned on the sink. He pulled aside the shirt and stuck Rion’s hands under the stream of cold water. Rion flinched.

“It’s…it’s like a heartbeat…” Rion said. “It’s all…throbbing…”

“I know,” Noa said, swallowing hard.

With the water washing away the blood, the cut didn’t look so bad. It still made Noa queasy. He grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and then pulled Rion’s hand out of the water, patting it down.

It was like an old lost memory. Noa remembered being cut badly as a kid. He remembered how it hurt and pulsed. He remembered his father getting down with him on the bathroom floor, cleaning him up, wiping away his tears, telling him he was strong and brave…

“What are you…?”

“Helping. Stay still,” Noa said as he got Rion to hold the toilet paper on the back of his hand. He peeled off the back of the Band-Aid and readied it. “Move the toilet paper.”

Rion did and Noa slapped the bandage on.

He stepped back and Rion stood there, staring at it. It seemed to work. Noa didn’t see any more blood. It would have to be good enough.

Noa forced himself to look away. The water was still running, drowning out all sounds. Noa reached over and turned the tap off.

“Is that… Is it enough?” Rion asked, staring at the bandage.

“I don’t know,” Noa said.

He took the T-shirt and thought about stuffing it in the garbage. Instead, he turned and headed back for his room. The shirt was black. The blood didn’t show.

“Noa… Noa, wait.”

Noa didn’t wait. He darted quick as he could back into his room and threw the shirt back in the laundry. There was hardly anything else in there, but he was going to have to wash everything tonight. No one could know.

No one could know. No one could know that he was a horrible person who cut up his best friend and killed his cousin.

What was wrong with him?

Why was he so horrible? He didn’t want to be!

Rion followed him back into the room. He was still holding up his hand, the Band-Aid stuck to the back. His eyes were round and his breathing ragged.

“Noa…” Rion said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Get away from me,” Noa said.

“…Wh-what?”

“Get away,” Noa said, forcing a glare. “You need to stay away from me.”

“Noa…” Rion began. “Noa, I’m so sorry…”

“No,” Noa said, shaking his head fiercely. “You need to go. You need to stay away. Go away and don’t come back.”

Fresh tears were filling Rion’s eyes. He worked his mouth and then shook his head.

Noa didn’t want him to go, but he knew he had to send Rion away. He couldn’t be near him. He would hurt him again or kill him or…

It wasn’t safe for Rion.

Noa wasn’t safe for Rion.

“Go away!” Noa said louder. “I don’t want to see you anymore!”

Rion hiccupped, pulling his hand close to his chest. He couldn’t form words. He stood there, crying, staring at Noa with wide eyes.

There was a sound in the silence. It came from the entranceway – the sound of the front door opening.

“Noa!” Aunt Elaine called from downstairs. “We’re getting ready to leave. Are you and Rion ready?”

“Yes,” Noa called back.

He wanted to push past Rion and run down the stairs. But he couldn’t. Rion looked at him and then at the door before looking down.

Rion stared at the shredded bracelet on the floor next to the scissors. Without any warning, he bent down and snatched the bracelet before turning and bolting out the door.

Noa stood there for a moment, alone, and then followed him.

It felt like his life was over. There was a disgusting nameless feeling clawing inside his chest. Everything hurt.

But for some reason, Noa couldn’t muster a single tear.

Chapter 55 – Danny

Sunday, October 3, 2004

“It’s nice to meet you, Danny. My name is Dr. Laura Maes,” the red-haired woman before him said, holding out a hand.

Danny took it and they shook. He smiled, even though the whole situation felt surreal and distant.

“Hi. Nice to meet you too,” he said.

He was exhausted despite having slept almost twelve hours last night. After everything that happened, he hadn’t gotten any sleep until Saturday afternoon when he finally crashed.

After the fight and all the chaos with the first responders, Danny went home. Then he’d stayed up with his parents, waiting for news.

Peter eventually called in the afternoon. He’d given Danny an update. It wasn’t good.

Noa was still angry and lashing out. He’d kicked the Murphys out of his hospital room and didn’t want visitors. Rion, on the other hand, was acting normal, but he was hurt really badly and wasn’t even able to get up and move around.

But Danny expected that. The last time he’d seen them, Rion had been passed out on the kitchen floor, bleeding everywhere, and Noa had been sitting there, stunned, still holding the chunk of bloody glass in his hands.

When Danny finished his conversation with Peter and hung up the phone, Dr. Maes had called almost immediately after to ask if he wouldn’t mind coming to her office on Sunday. She had some questions for him. Danny said yes.

And now here he was.

It hadn’t been hard to get to her office. She worked at the hospital. He’d just needed the room number and some basic directions. And her office was pretty nice. It felt like his mom’s law office in the city, but a little cozier.

“I’m really happy you could come,” Dr. Maes said. “Make yourself comfortable. Feel free to take off your coat and have a seat.”

“Sure,” he said, already pulling off his toque. “You, uh… You wanted me to tell you what happened? With Noa and Rion?”

“I have some questions about the incident. I already read the statements, so I know roughly what happened,” Dr. Maes said. “I wanted some of the finer details.”

“Oh. Okay,” Danny said, relieved as he hung up his coat on a rack near the door.

He didn’t want to explain everything all over again. He felt like he’d gone over the story so many times. Questions were easier to answer.

Danny headed over and took a seat on the couch, sinking into it. He couldn’t help but let out a small sigh. If he closed his eyes and rolled his head back, he could probably fall asleep.

Dr. Maes took a seat across from him, a little notepad in hand.

“So, what did you want to know?” he asked her, trying to not melt into the couch.

“Why don’t we start before the fight,” Dr. Maes said. “Can you tell me what happened when you arrived at the Murphys’? What you did when you came into the house – that sort of thing.”

“Oh, um…sure,” Danny said, blinking. He didn’t expect to talk about what he was doing there in the first place. “We were all gonna hang out. Some of our other friends, Jesse and Celeste, were supposed to come over too. I came early because I had some pictures that Mom wanted to give to Mrs. Murphy.”

“Pictures?” Dr. Maes said. “I think that was mentioned. Did you look at the pictures?”

“Yeah, after a bit,” Danny said and then realized how that might sound depending on what she’d heard already. “I mean… The pictures I brought weren’t the ones that we got emotional over, if that’s why you’re asking.”

“No?”

“No. They were… They were normal pictures of school and stuff. But after that, we started looking at some other old pictures that the Murphys had.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said, jotting something down in her notepad. “Just to backtrack, what kind of greeting did you get when you arrived? Who answered the door?”

“Oh, it was Mrs. Murphy. And Noa,” Danny said. “Peter wasn’t there yet, but he showed up pretty much right after I did. Everything was normal.”

“And how about Noa? Was he acting differently?”

“No, not really. He was drawing hands in his sketchbook so we kind of talked about that. I mean… I guess it was kind of weird because he was actually talking to me. Um… Have you seen his hand drawings?”

“I’ve seen some of them.”

Danny gave her a small, half smile. “Honestly? Those hand pictures kind of weird me out. But, uh… I asked him about them. And he said he draws the hands of people he knows. I think it’s kind of sweet...in Noa’s weird, unique way.”

Dr. Maes nodded, almost to herself. “He hasn’t told me that, but I did wonder. He seems to express himself through his art.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “He actually used to draw this comic with Rion when they were kids. He gave it to Rion not too long ago, actually.”

“Really?” Dr. Maes said. “It seems like they’re very close – best friends.”

“Yeah, they’ve always been tight,” Danny said. “I don’t think they’ve even had, you know, a normal fight before. They’ve always gotten along.”

“It does seem that way, from what I know,” Dr. Maes said and noted something else down. “But back to what happened at the Murphys’… Up until that point, Noa was calm?”

“Yeah. Kind of,” Danny said. “Like… Rion showed up, and… Noa kind of gets excited about Rion. It’s probably because they haven’t seen each other in forever. He rushed to the door to meet him and they hugged right away… Actually, it’s kind of weird to think that they were hugging and then…then not even an hour later…”

They’d gone from being normal and cheerful to yelling and wrestling on top of broken glass. It was hard for Danny to wrap his head around.

“Did Rion seem happy to see Noa?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I mean, he was kind of stiff and awkward, but Rion’s been like that since… Well, I want to say he’s been like that since I came back to town but I’m pretty sure he was always like that. He’s kind of shy, you know?”

“That’s right. You moved and were away from town for six years.”

“Yeah. My parents and I moved back at the beginning of September. Barely feels like it’s been a month.”

“And both Rion and Noa are similar to how you remember them?”

“Yeah…but no,” Danny said, waving a hand indecisively. “Noa… Noa’s really different. I mean, when he talks to Rion he’s like his old self. But the rest of the time he’s just…waaay too quiet. Rion seems more tense and stuff. I think that’s because of the bullying…”

“Bullying?” Dr. Maes said. “You think Rion’s being bullied?”

“Oh…uh… Right,” Danny said, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s not that I think it’s happening. It’s… I’ve seen it. I used to be really good friends with Sarina Knight. You might not know her. She, uh… We used to all hang out, but… Okay, it’s kind of a whole thing to explain… We tried to get together and hang out, but there was all this stuff about a friendship bracelet getting wrecked, and… Basically, Sarina attacked Rion in front of us. Like, she grabbed him by the hair and started hitting and kicking him. You can’t tell now, but he had a black eye for a long time. Sarina did that to him.”

“That sounds serious,” Dr. Maes said. “Did anything get done about that? Did Rion go to the hospital or were the authorities called?”

“Uh… No,” Danny said, the heat rising to his face. “We kind of pulled them off each other and Sarina left. Rion said he didn’t want to go to the hospital. Should we… Should we have called the police or something? Or…”

“It’s not about what you should have done,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m asking to know what happened. I’m sure you did what you felt was best at the time.”

“I mean, kind of,” Danny said. “We were all freaked out. And worried about Rion, obviously.”

“Anyone would be,” Dr. Maes assured him.

“Yeah. We sat him down and, you know, had coffee,” Danny said. “Peter might have said something about calling the police. He’s mentioned it a few times but I don’t think he’s done it. I mean… Yeah.”

“I’ll ask Peter for more information,” she said. “And you said something about friendship bracelets?”

“Yeah, uh… That’s kind of a long story, actually…”

Danny took a breath and then began clumsily trying to explain the whole bracelet situation. It felt so far away from him now. Rion and Noa were in the hospital. Fighting over old bracelets… It felt petty talking about it after everything that happened.

“The others probably know more about it,” Danny said. “I moved away before the whole thing happened. And it wasn’t even Rion who wrecked his bracelet. It was Noa all along. Rion lied and took the blame for him. He’s a really good guy.”

“Rion has definitely given me a strong impression,” Dr. Maes said. “He seems to care very deeply for Noa.”

“Yeah. Which is why it’s so weird that they got into a fight,” Danny said. “It came out of nowhere. I don’t get it…”

“It was mentioned that they had a strong reaction to some pictures,” Dr. Maes said. “You said something about them earlier.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Danny said, realizing he’d gotten side tracked with the whole Sarina thing. “Mrs. Murphy brought out an old box of photos so that we could put away the ones I brought. We started looking through things and that’s… Um…”

He faltered, uncomfortable. He’d been curious about seeing those pictures at the time, but now thinking about it left a bad taste in his mouth. He couldn’t help but feel like they were the cause for everything. Even though he didn’t understand why.

“Danny?” Dr. Maes said. “Are you okay? Do you want to stop?”

“No, no,” he said quickly, shaking his head. “I just… I was just thinking about it. The pictures that bothered Noa and Rion… They were from the day Amber died.”

Dr. Maes was quiet for a moment, digesting the statement. She made more notes.

“Did anyone know when those pictures were from while you were looking at them?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “They were in their own separate envelope. The date was on the outside. We… We didn’t really want to look at them, you know?”

“You didn’t want to look at them?”

“Well, everyone was kind of uncomfortable. But then… Yeah, it was Rion. Rion said he wanted to see them. I think Mrs. Murphy said something like it wasn’t a good idea? But Rion said he wanted to see Amber… Hold on. This might be a dumb question but you know about Amber, right?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said. “I’ve heard about what happened. It’s very sad.”

“Yeah…” Danny agreed. “Yeah, it’s really sad. We all miss her.”

“And Rion was the one to suggest looking at the pictures?”

“Yeah.”

“Were there other pictures of Amber or were those the only ones?”

Danny opened his mouth and then closed it, frowning. Actually…hold on. They had been looking at other pictures of Amber. Danny didn’t think about it at the time, but…

“Yeah. There were a bunch of other pictures, actually,” Danny said. “That’s…that’s really weird, now that I think about it.”

Dr. Maes tapped the end of her pen on her notepad. “You’d say that Rion was acting strange about the pictures?”

“I guess,” Danny said. “But I don’t know why. He wasn’t saying much up until that point. We looked through a bunch of stuff but he was making normal comments.”

“Those pictures from the day Amber passed away… Who took them? Who had the camera?”

Danny stared at her. “I think they shared it. Noa and Rion…and Amber… Does that… What does that mean?”

“It might not mean anything,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m trying to understand what happened. Right now, all it means is that they took the pictures and Rion wanted to see them.”

“Huh…” Danny said.

For some reason, he felt like it meant something. Rion wanted to see the pictures. The three of them had the camera that day. Then Noa got upset… That meant something, didn’t it? It had to be connected somehow, right?

“Can you tell me about the pictures?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Yeah,” Danny said, doing his best to refocus. “Um… Rion took them and started going through them while we looked. The first few were normal. They were all of regular lake stuff…”

“And did Noa or Rion react to them?”

“No,” Danny said and then thought about it. “Well… There were a bunch of pictures that were messed up. Rion stopped going through the pictures and stared at them. They were just some messed up, blurry pictures. I kinda took them from him and he did this weird thing where he stopped himself from grabbing them back. He seemed really tense and Noa… That was when it started to get weird.”

“Blurry pictures…” Dr. Maes said, making another note.

“Yeah. There were a handful of them,” Danny said. “It looked like the camera went off accidentally. I’m pretty sure Rion said something about it being an accident. It must have gotten switched to continuous shot or something.”

“Did Noa say anything?”

“No. He was really quiet. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure they were arguing about the pictures.”

“You mean when they started to fight?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “But they weren’t making any sense. Noa got mad first… Uh, Peter had already left by then and it was just me and them. I tried talking to them and Rion was saying something, then Noa snapped at him and started going off about something Rion forgot? And Rion was apologizing and stuff… It sounded like they were talking about the pictures.”

“About the pictures…” Dr. Maes mused as she made more notes. “That’s strange.”

Danny nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, it was really weird. They weren’t making any sense. And then Noa started going off about how he should have died as a kid and he went to the kitchen and Rion followed him. That was weird too, because Rion ran and blocked the doorway that leads off to the laundry room and the bathroom. And Noa made some really weird comment – something about Rion blocking off the bathroom because he thought that’s where Noa wanted to hurt himself? And then Noa was going on about wishing he was never born, and…”

It hurt. It had been hard to stand there and listen to Noa talking that way. But Danny had no idea what to do in the moment. He’d floundered.

“I told them to stop but it didn’t help,” he added with a weak shrug.

Dr. Maes scribbled down more notes. She was quiet for a moment, reviewing something on her notepad, flipping through pages.

“I think this clears some things up,” she said, looking back up at him. “Thank you very much, Danny.”

“Yeah?” he said. “It feels like I’m just explaining everything all over again.”

“These are the details that I need,” Dr. Maes said. “It helps me understand what’s going on with Noa and Rion.”

“Does it? Because I don’t really understand anything,” Danny told her. “It’s all confusing.”

Dr. Maes nodded. “It’s very confusing. It’s hard to understand what people think, even when you know them really well.”

“That’s… Yeah,” Danny agreed with a small nod. “I just wish I could understand better. You know?”

“I do,” Dr. Maes said. “But you’re doing really well. I hadn’t even heard about what happened with Sarina. This information is very important and you’re doing a great job.”

Danny kind of felt like her praise was out of obligation but he still liked to hear it.

“Thanks,” he said. “I try. I just… I want to help if I can.”

“You are helping. A lot,” Dr. Maes assured him.

Chapter 56 – Danny

Sunday, October 3, 2004

Danny left Dr. Maes’ office and headed down the hall, trying to remember which way he came. He managed to find the elevator and took it down.

Part of him wanted to stay and visit Noa or Rion but he wasn’t sure it was a good idea to go alone. He didn’t know what to do or say and now that he was left to his own thoughts, he couldn’t help but go over the conversation he’d had with Dr. Maes.

He’d told the story of the fight several times but he’d just repeated the events over and over, as he remembered them. When Dr. Maes asked him questions, he was forced to think about it. And now that he’d thought about it, it made even less sense.

Why did Rion ask to see pictures of Amber when they’d already been looking at pictures of her? How had Danny not noticed…? But no, he knew why. He’d been half curious to see the pictures himself. He’d never looked at the ones they’d taken that day…

They were so normal. Nothing was weird about them. The closest thing to weird were the blurry pictures but those were just an accident, right? Pictures got messed up all the time. Danny had seen it happen plenty of times.

But something upset Noa and Rion. It had to be the pictures. Were they reminded of that day or…was there something else he was missing?

The elevator reached the main floor. As the doors opened, he found himself facing Peter, Jesse, and Celeste.

“Danny?” Jesse said in surprise.

“Oh, uh… Hi,” Danny said, equally taken aback.

“We tried to call you to see if you wanted to visit Rion but your parents said you weren’t home,” Peter said, stepping into the elevator, the others following. “Did you come to visit on your own?”

“No, no!” Danny said quickly. “I was just… Dr. Maes had some questions about what happened. She called the other day, so I stopped by. I, uh… I was going to go home because I wasn’t sure about visiting on my own.”

“Did you want to come with us?” Celeste said. “I mean, you’re already here.”

Danny found himself nodding. The elevator doors had already closed, and Jesse had pressed the button. Danny realized that Peter had Rion’s backpack in hand, the one he’d brought to the Murphys’. He must be returning it to him.

“I might as well come with you,” Danny said. “As long as I’m not making things awkward.”

“No, we were hoping you’d come anyway,” Jesse said. “Here. One second.”

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a couple cards and a pen. They were get-well cards for Rion and Noa. The others had already signed them.

“Oh! Oh, perfect,” Danny said.

He accepted them and the elevator came to a stop. They stepped off and Danny pulled off his gloves, shoving them into his jacket pocket so that he could sign the cards.

“Thanks,” Danny said, handing them back.

“We were going to hang onto them until you could sign. I’m glad we brought them,” Jesse said. “We, uh…probably won’t visit Noa today, though.”

“We can only go in one at a time and he doesn’t want visitors either,” Celeste added.

“He wasn’t happy when my parents and I visited the other day,” Peter said. “I’m going to stay late and my parents are going to come and visit Noa again tonight. I’ll keep everyone updated on how it goes.”

“Great,” Danny said as they started to walk down the hall, headed for Rion’s room. Peter led the way. “So, Rion’s okay with visitors then?”

“Yes, but he looks pretty bad,” Peter said. “He’s all bandaged up. I don’t know if he’s still medicated, but he was loopy when I saw him the other day.”

“He shouldn’t be stuck here for too long, right?” Jesse said. “I mean, I know he was hurt and he had stitches…”

“I have no idea,” Peter said. “Dr. Maes wants to keep Noa for a little longer. Rion might need a bit of time before he can leave. They don’t want him walking yet because his feet…”

“He walked across broken glass,” Danny said, cringing at the memory.

“Yeah,” Peter said.

They reached the right room and knocked on the partially opened door before heading in. Rion was alone when they arrived, propped up in bed.

Peter’s warning was fair. Rion did look rough, all bandaged and tired. But Danny’s last memory of Rion was of him bleeding out on the floor. He looked much better, all cleaned up with his injuries wrapped and covered. It put Danny’s mind a little at ease.

“Oh, hey!” Rion said. “Hi.”

“Hey, Rion,” Peter said. “We thought we’d come for a visit. Is your dad here?”

“He was for a bit,” Rion said. “He went home to have something to eat… Is that my bag?”

Peter raised up the backpack briefly before setting it next to Rion’s bed. “Yes. I figured I’d get that back to you.”

“Great. Thanks,” Rion said.

“We also brought you this,” Jesse said, bringing him his card.

Rion accepted it, looking it over. He smiled as he read it and looked up again.

“You didn’t have to do that. Thanks, guys.”

“Don’t mention it,” Jesse said.

“Did they tell you when you might be able to go home?” Celeste asked.

“Not really,” Rion said, setting the card on the nightstand. He moved slowly, carefully. “Maybe within a day or two? But maybe not. They want to make sure I’m healing okay, I think. No one’s given me a date or anything. But, um… I’m okay.”

“You really scared us,” Jesse said. “You and Noa.”

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Celeste added.

“Yeah. I’m mostly worried about Noa,” Rion admitted, gaze darting between them. “Have any of you seen him?”

“Just me,” Peter said. “We’re not sure he wants to see anyone yet.”

“We have a get-well card for him though,” Jesse said. “Peter’s going to take it to him.”

“Oh! Can I sign too?” Rion asked.

“Yeah. That’s a great idea. Here,” Jesse said, pulling out the other card and offering it to him.

Rion took it and the pen that was offered shortly after. He fumbled with it, wincing.

“Okay. This might not look the best,” Rion said.

“Oh, that’s right. Your hands…” Celeste said.

“Do you want one of us to sign for you?” Peter offered.

“No, no. It’s fine. It just might be a bit wobbly.”

Rion's bandaged fingers were trembling when handed the card back to Jesse. Considering that he’d fought over a piece of glass with Noa, Danny wasn’t all that surprised. He hoped it didn’t hurt too much to sign a card…

“We’ll make sure he gets it,” Jesse said.

“I’ll give it to him tonight,” Peter added.

“Thanks, guys,” Rion said. “I really appreciate that. Can you… Can you let me know how Noa’s doing? Once you see him, I mean. I’m really worried…”

“Of course,” Peter said. “I’ll try to update you tomorrow.”

Danny was beginning to feel awkward. He wanted to add to the conversation, but he felt tongue tied. He didn’t know what to say and his mind kept going back to what happened the other night. He wanted to talk about that, about the pictures, but it felt wrong to bring it up when everyone was trying to have a moment.

“So, how’s the hospital food?” Jesse asked. “Terrible?”

“It’s okay,” Rion said.

“We could probably bring you something,” Celeste added. “I’m sure you can eat more than the food they have here.”

“It’s fine,” Rion said. “Dad already offered. I really don’t mind it.”

They were talking about normal things. It was regular conversation. They probably didn’t need Danny’s input.

He hung back, mostly just listening. He started tuning out the conversation because it felt bland and obligatory. He didn’t mean to, but he felt disconnected, in the wrong mindset…

“Danny?”

“Sorry?” he said, looking up.

It was Rion who’d spoken up. He was looking at him, guilt written all over his face.

“I, uh… I wanted to apologize,” Rion said. “For what happened Friday night. I, um… I’m really sorry about…well…everything.”

“Oh, that’s… It’s not your fault,” Danny said.

“But things got out of hand, and… I should have backed off or something,” Rion said. “Maybe I should’ve… I don’t know.”

He didn’t know what Rion could have done. Even Danny hadn’t been able to walk away. And if Noa had actually tried to stab himself with a piece of glass, Danny was pretty sure he would have jumped in there himself.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” Danny said.

But Rion looked away, expression bitter. How come?

“I don’t think there’s anything anyone could have done,” Peter said. “There were a lot of emotions running high. It was an accident.”

“I guess…” Rion said, but it sounded like he didn’t agree.

And then the words spilled out of Danny’s mouth.

“Why did you ask to see those pictures?”

Danny regretted asking. Not because it put him on spot or the way the others look at him, but because of how the question made Rion’s shoulders instantly tense up.

“I just…wanted to see pictures of Amber,” Rion said.

“Okay, but…that’s why I’m confused. Because we had a whole shoebox full of pictures, so…” Danny began and waved a hand. “Why’d it have to be those pictures? From the day Amber died?”

And he felt even worse for asking now because he could see the confusion on Jesse and Celeste as they began to piece things together. And the sudden look of understanding on Peter’s face…

“That’s true,” Peter said. “We had a bunch of pictures of Amber. There was only maybe one of Amber from that day in that envelope…”

“I…” Rion began, the sound squeaking out of him. “I don’t know. I wanted to see them.”

“Okay,” Danny said, quick to accept the answer. “Okay. I mean, I get it. I wanted to see them too. I didn’t… I never saw those ones before, so…”

“I don’t think I’ve seen them either,” Jesse spoke up.

“I’m not sure I want to,” Celeste said. “It’s all really, really sad…”

“Rion, didn’t you argue with Noa because of the pictures?” Peter spoke up and then turned to Danny. “Isn’t that what you said?”

“I mean, I think so?” Danny said. “I kind of wanted to ask you about that too, Rion… Noa said something about you forgetting about the pictures? But you didn’t forget about them… You were apologizing to Noa so you knew what he was talking about, right?”

“I… I don’t know,” Rion said. His voice was strained, distressed. “It’s kind of a blur…”

“If that was what started the fight, can you try to remember?” Peter asked. “It might help Noa.”

“I don’t think it will,” Rion said.

“Why don’t you think about it and come back to it later?” Danny suggested. He wanted answers but he didn’t want Rion to be upset.

“I can… Yeah, maybe,” Rion said.

“I understand how you feel,” Jesse said. “What happened to Amber… It was so terrible.”

“That’s right,” Celeste added. “I’m sure it was so hard for you to remember what happened. Looking at those pictures would make any one of us emotional…”

“I guess,” Rion said. But he was looking down, picking at his sheets.

“I know that Noa feels a lot of guilt,” Peter said. “He blames himself for what happened. I really hope you’re not doing the same thing. Everyone knows that you did everything you could. You were kids. We all know that Noa went so far as to burn his hand on the doorknob, trying to save Amber, and–”

“What?”

Rion’s tone changed. The softer, distant way he was speaking suddenly became focused and sharp.

Peter blinked. “What…? What do you–?”

“What did you just say?” Rion asked.

“That Noa burned his hand on the door to save Amber?” Peter said.

Rion shook his head. “He didn’t.”

“What do you mean?” Jesse said. “He didn’t what?”

“He didn’t burn his hand on the door,” Rion said. “He put it against the wall.”

“The wall?” Celeste asked.

Peter leaned forward, frowning. “The wall outside the cabin?”

“No,” Rion said, shaking his head. “Inside. We were inside the cabin.”

The room was silent.

Inside? Danny assumed they were outside. He thought…

When his parents told him about it, the story had been simple. There was a fire at the Murphy cabin and Amber died.

He’d cried. He’d been so upset. He’d hated it.

After that, he wasn’t sure how the details filtered in. It was probably through conversation around town, leading up to the funeral. Noa, Rion, and Amber went to the cabin. Noa and Rion went for a walk. When they came back, the cabin was on fire. They tried to get in. Noa burned his hand on the door. Then they ran to get help but it was too late.

Come to think of it, Danny hadn’t heard the story from Rion. Or Noa. He’d only heard what everyone else said and assumed it was true.

And judging from how the others looked, it was the same for them too.

Inside the cabin. Noa and Rion had been inside the cabin. And the cabin had been on fire.

“Rion…” Peter said, his voice calm and careful. “Do you mind telling us what happened? The day Amber died.”

Danny thought he’d say no for sure. Rion looked down, eyes too wide. He clutched at the sheets, hands fisted tight. That had to hurt because the cuts…

“Don’t you already know?” Rion said.

“We’ve heard stories,” Jesse spoke up. He looked overly tense, eyes locked on Rion.

“My parents told me some things…” Celeste said.

“Noa never told the rest of us what happened,” Peter said. “My parents… They don’t like to talk about it. You don’t have to go into detail, but… What happened? Maybe if you tell us, it can help us understand why Noa got so upset?”

Rion was silent for a long time. Danny held his breath for too long and had to inhale deeply before Rion finally spoke.

“We…we went for a walk,” Rion said, voice low. He spoke haltingly, pausing frequently. But whenever the words flowed, they were quick and short. “Then…we came back to the cabin. We went inside. Amber…Amber was… She was in the bathroom. Then the fire… It… The cabin started burning. I freaked out. Noa grabbed me and I…I think I knocked into him. That’s when he put his hand against the wall. I had to pull on him to get him to run. We got outside, and… I didn’t know what to do. We were both really, really scared, and… We went to John’s cabin and got help.”

There was another pause, another beat, but not for long.

“Amber was in the bathroom?” Jesse said. “Why didn’t… Was the door locked? Was she trapped?”

Rion didn’t look up at him, eyes lowered, focused on his hands that still gripped the sheets like a lifeline.

“She was in the bathroom,” he repeated.

“But… Didn’t you try to help her?” Jesse said. “You would have tried to get her out, right?”

“We… I did everything I could,” Rion said, lowering his head further, his shoulders a tense line. “It was… It was an accident. It… It never should have…”

“You were there. You got out,” Jesse said. “But what about Amber? I know you wouldn’t have just left her behind. I know you wouldn’t…”

“Jesse,” Peter said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Jesse, he said he did everything he could.”

“But…” Jesse said, “but…what does that mean? She was in the bathroom. So why couldn’t she get out?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Rion said. He finally let go to the sheets but only so he could cover his head with shaking hands. His voice was cracking. “I don’t want to… I don’t want… I can’t… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

Danny hadn’t heard Rion’s voice break like that since they were kids at Amber’s funeral. He remembered Rion holding him so tight and crying and apologizing into his shoulder.

It was making him tear up. He wanted to get out of here.

“It’s…it’s okay,” Celeste tried to say.

Rion didn’t answer her. He just curled in on himself more, shivering. Was it another breakdown?

“Hey,” Peter said to Jesse. “Why don’t you, Celeste, and Danny head down and get some coffees. We need a breather.”

“What about you?” Danny asked.

“I want to stay with Rion for a bit longer,” he said.

“We can stay too,” Celeste said.

“I just want to talk to him. It’s fine,” Peter said. “I’ll probably be down soon. Let’s take a break.”

Jesse didn’t look like he wanted to leave. He was obviously conflicted. He took a breath and then let it out in a rush.

“Okay,” he said. “Maybe that’s a good idea. I need… I need some air.”

“Okay,” Celeste added, glancing between all of them.

Danny hesitated. He felt conflicted too. He wanted to go even though he felt bad leaving Rion there like that. But... Rion seemed to almost be ignoring them at this point. He wasn’t even trying to look their way. Maybe he was having another panic attack or something…

Peter was good at dealing with this kind of stuff. Danny knew he could count on him.

“See you, Rion,” Danny said and then turned to Peter. “If you need to stay with Rion a little longer…until he feels better or his dad shows up…that’s cool. No rush.”

“Yeah,” Peter said. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

Chapter 57 – Jesse

Sunday, October 3, 2004

The elevator ride down to the main floor was a long and quiet one. Jesse didn’t want to talk, his mind and heart racing.

Noa and Rion were inside the cabin when it was on fire. Amber was in the bathroom.

Why had they escaped but not Amber? How had they gotten away and she hadn’t? He couldn’t think of a good answer, no matter how many different scenarios ran through his mind.

Noa and Rion wouldn’t have abandoned Amber. They just wouldn’t. Jesse knew that. There had to be something stopping them. The fire, maybe, or…or… Jesse didn’t know what, but there had to be something. There was no other explanation.

But what could have stopped them? Did that mean Amber was trapped? But how? It’s not like the cabin was big. The doors had all been sturdy. They didn’t jam or anything like that. Jesse remembered. He’d been in that cabin a million times.

Could Amber have gotten stuck in some other way? He had trouble imagining even that much. But maybe…maybe the fire? If the fire started somewhere between Amber and the door, then… But it would’ve had to block the bathroom door. Amber should’ve been able to get out through one of the other rooms down the hall. The windows were easy to open. They were more than big enough for her to fit through.

Did Amber pass out? Was it smoke inhalation? But that would mean Noa and Rion left her lying somewhere in the cabin. They wouldn’t do that. They would have dragged her out. There were two of them. Even if she was too heavy for one of them, they both should’ve been able to drag her out together.

How? How had Amber stayed in the cabin but Noa and Rion had escaped? It didn’t make sense!

Jesse never wanted to think about it. He preferred to accept the simple explanation. The few times he did wonder, he imagined that she’d laid down for a nap or something while Noa and Rion went for a walk, and it was smoke inhalation that got her. He didn’t care if it made sense, he just wanted to think of her dying peacefully, quietly, without suffering.

But now Jesse knew Noa and Rion were there, that Rion knew Amber was in the bathroom…

What did it mean?

He couldn’t help but imagine that she’d still be alive, that she’d been trapped inside the cabin while it was on fire, and it was a horrible, terrible thought. He didn’t want to think about Amber, scared and alone, trapped and…

“Jesse?”

Danny was talking to him. He blinked and realized his face was wet. He was crying.

“Um… Here,” Danny said, holding out a napkin.

Jesse was so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized they were already standing in the food court on the main floor. Danny and Celeste were both staring at him, their expressions concerned.

“Are you okay?” Celeste said.

“No,” Jesse said, but he took the napkin Danny was offering and started wiping away his tears. “Sorry. I just… I…”

“No, it’s okay,” Celeste said. “I understand. It’s fine to be upset. I meant… Do you need a minute?”

“Yeah,” Danny added. “Are you good? Do you want to go home? Or is coffee good?”

“Coffee’s fine. I just need to sit down,” Jesse said.

“Why don’t you sit and we’ll grab you something,” Celeste suggested.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “You want anything to eat while we’re at it? I’m sure we could grab you chips or a muffin or something. Or, like, an actual meal.”

“Just coffee,” Jesse said. “That’s fine. Thanks guys.”

They waited, making sure he got a seat before they left him. Jesse took a moment to breathe. He scrubbed at his face, trying his best to relax. But it was hard.

A weird sense of self-consciousness began to eat at him. It wasn’t that he was worried about what Danny or Celeste thought because he knew they’d understand. But he’d heard comments before that got under his skin. Some people said ignorant things when he got upset thinking about Amber.

It was stuff like: “Amber was just your high school girlfriend. It was six years ago. Aren’t you over that yet?”

Maybe he should be over it. It was a long time ago. But Amber still meant so much to him. He loved her. That didn’t just go away.

Jesse stayed away from anyone who made those kinds of comments. He cut them out of his life. He didn’t talk about Amber as much around other people anymore.

It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid. And it hurt.

He took a few deep breaths but they didn’t do much. Jesse felt unstable, like he was going to start crying again any second. He was an emotional wreck.

And all because Rion told them what happened.

Jesse only heard what his parents told him and rumours from around town. He couldn’t even pinpoint who said what. He got so used to hearing it that he took it as fact. But…

Noa had barely spoken to anyone for six years. They didn’t know his side of the story. And the bracelet thing happened almost right after the funeral. Rion never told them what happened either. Not until now.

But still, how was Jesse finding out about this all these years later? How was he only just hearing that Noa and Rion were in the fire with Amber? It was easier to accept when he thought they weren’t there in the cabin, when he thought that there was for sure nothing they could have possibly done.

Jesse knew he couldn’t blame them. They were kids at the time. But he couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t wrap his head around Amber being left behind in the fire.

“Hey,” Danny said as he returned with Celeste and their coffees. It looked like they’d grabbed some snacks too. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m a little better,” Jesse lied, accepting his coffee and pulling it close. It warmed his hands. “Sorry. I got emotional…”

“It’s okay. Really,” Celeste assured him. “We understand.”

“I never heard about what happened. Not really,” Danny added. “Did Noa or Rion tell you guys anything?”

“No,” Jesse said.

Celeste shook her head. “I heard Noa and Rion went on a walk when the cabin caught fire. Everyone says so.”

“Either everyone is wrong, or Rion is wrong,” Danny said. “And I don’t think Rion’s lying.”

“What about…um… What about what Noa had? As a kid?” Celeste said. “Repressed or false memories or…whatever they called it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Jesse said. He wanted to be hopeful but another part of him denied the possibility. “Maybe he’s confused… What do you think he meant? He said Amber was in the bathroom.”

“I don’t know,” Danny said. “I have no idea.”

“Maybe she was taking a bath?” Celeste said but then looked away. “I don’t really want to think about it…”

Taking a bath? Maybe… That might explain why Noa couldn’t do anything. They used to have to pull the shower curtain around the tub for Noa because he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as one. Jesse couldn’t blame him. Noa’s dad tried to drown him in a bathtub when he was a kid.

But Rion should still have been able to help. And if Amber was having a bath, she could have gotten out and grabbed a towel. Amber wasn’t stupid. She wouldn’t have sat there and done nothing. It still didn’t make sense.

“I don’t know,” Jesse said. “I just want to understand… I don’t get how Noa and Rion could have been right there with Amber and decide to leave her behind. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, there was a fire,” Danny said. “I know I would have freaked out. They probably didn’t know what to do…”

“But they would have tried to help Amber,” Jesse said. “They loved her. Everyone loved her. No one would leave her behind.”

“Unless they couldn’t help for some reason,” Celeste said. She shook her head. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it. It doesn’t change anything.”

Celeste was right but she was also wrong.

Yes, Amber was dead. That wasn’t going to change no matter how much Jesse wished it could. But knowing what happened…that changed things. That changed everything.

But was Jesse ready to hear the full detailed truth, whatever it was?

Probably not. He knew it wouldn’t make him happy. Knowing that Amber died, how she died… It would never be okay. He’d never, ever be okay with it.

Jesse wanted to know. He needed to know. He wanted to understand.

Maybe that was stupid. Maybe he was stupid. But that was how Jesse felt.

“I don’t know,” Jesse sighed and took a long sip of hot coffee.

“Do you think Peter will be gone for long?” Celeste asked. “Rion looked really upset.”

“I honestly thought he might be having another panic attack or something,” Danny said. “I guess it must be really hard. I mean, if I’d been in that fire…”

If Jesse had been in that fire, he wouldn’t have left it without Amber. If he couldn’t save her, he would have stayed right there with her.

Of course he understood why Noa and Rion didn’t stay. He didn’t blame them. They were lucky to have made it out, but… What happened?

“How old were they back then…? Eleven? Twelve?” Celeste said.

“Something like that, yeah,” Danny said. “It’s messed up.”

“Hey, guys.”

Peter had returned. He looked worn out as he joined them, pulling up a chair.

“Oh, you’re back,” Celeste said. “Is Rion okay?”

“The nurse stepped in to help and then Mr. Blum showed up,” Peter said, sinking into his seat and letting out a long breath. “I’m not sure if it was a panic attack or what but Rion totally shut down.”

“Geez,” Danny said. “I feel so bad. This is… Man…”

“Yeah,” Peter said.

There was a pause for a moment. All of them hesitated to break the silence.

“Did you want to get a coffee?” Danny finally asked Peter.

Peter shook his head. “No. I’m just thinking about everything that happened. This explains a lot.”

“It does?” Jesse asked, looking up.

“Of course it does,” Peter said. “What Rion said… I always thought they were outside the cabin. I thought they just saw it from the outside, that they were scared and freaked out and couldn’t do anything… But knowing they were in there? No wonder they’re so traumatized. No wonder Noa’s blaming himself. They probably both feel so horrible that they got out and that Amber…didn’t.”

Jesse could at least understand that. Yeah, he would have been devastated in their shoes. If he lived and Amber died while he’d been right there… How could anyone forgive themselves for that?

But…

“Do you know what Rion meant?” Jesse asked. “Rion said Amber was in the bathroom.”

“I think he meant it literally,” Peter said. “She was in the bathroom.”

“But…how?” Jesse said. “How did they know where she was and not… They wouldn’t have left her there.”

“I don’t know,” Peter said. “They were scared kids in a horrible situation.”

“But Rion knew she was in the bathroom. What if she was trapped somehow, or…” Jesse continued and shook his head. He placed his hands on the tabletop, clenching them into fists. “Do you think the fire was between them and the bathroom? Do you think… She didn’t… Amber wasn’t…”

“Jesse,” Peter said, reaching over to put a hand on his shoulder, meeting his gaze. “It’s not happening right now, okay? It happened six years ago. And it was awful and terrible, but what happened is already done. Amber’s not hurt or suffering – she’s at peace.”

“I know that,” Jesse said weakly. Peter’s hand felt warm and heavy, a comforting weight. “I know. I just… I want to understand.”

“We all do,” Peter said. “But think about the situation. I mean, the situation we’re in right now. Noa doesn’t talk to anyone about this. Rion has been totally isolated and in a lot of ways, he’s been just as closed off as Noa. We’re finding out about this now because they’re getting to a place where they can talk about it. If we want to know more and understand, we need to work with them and we need to listen to them. Okay?”

“…Okay,” Jesse said.

He barely felt grounded. But having focus helped.

Peter pulled away. “I know it’s hard. Everything is crazy right now.”

“I’ll say,” Danny said.

“Yeah,” Celeste said. “I wish… I wish things were different.”

“Me too,” Peter said. He paused and then turned to Danny. “You asked Rion about the pictures… I hadn’t even thought about that. It got me thinking.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I mean… I went and saw Dr. Maes this morning because she had some questions. She was the one who asked about it and when I thought about it… It seemed really weird.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Maybe… Can we see those pictures?”

“I don’t know…” Celeste began.

“There isn’t much to see,” Peter admitted. “They’re pretty normal, other than the blurry ones.”

“Still… Maybe there’s something we missed,” Jesse said. “Maybe… I don’t know. There must be a reason they got upset, right?”

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”

“We can look at them again if you want,” Peter said. “I don’t know what else to do other than wait, so… I guess it’s something.”

Chapter 58 – Celeste

Friday, August 28, 1998

“You’re going to the city this weekend, right?” Amber asked.

Celeste finished tying another knot on the friendship bracelet she was working on. It wasn’t for anyone in particular, just a cool pattern she wanted to try out for herself. She and Amber had picked up some books at the library and found more bracelets patterns, so they’d gone wild this week.

Amber was next to her on Celeste’s bed, fiddling with the string of the bracelet she was working on. She was almost done. Amber was so good at them now that Celeste was sure she could do just about any kind of bracelet without looking at a pattern.

“We were going to go tomorrow,” Celeste said. “Mom wants to get some new clothes for winter. Sophie needs new ski pants. Did you want to come?”

“Yes!” Amber said, dropping her bracelet to clasp her hands together. “Please, Celeste! There’s something I really want to do without my family! When we go anywhere, the only time Mom and Dad aren’t hovering around is when I have to watch Peter and Noa.”

“Okay,” Celeste said with a little laugh at Amber’s enthusiasm. “Mom won’t mind. What do you want to do? Is it a secret Jesse date or something?”

Amber was immediately bashful and Celeste grinned, sure she was right.

“I don’t want you to freak out,” Amber said, “but I want to get a pregnancy test.”

Celeste’s grin fell and her eyes went round.

“Amber, are you–?!”

“It’s just in case!” Amber said quickly, holding up her hands. “It’s just to be safe!”

That didn’t make Celeste any more relaxed. She felt an anxious spike in her chest and had to set her bracelet aside, her thoughts running wild.

Celeste knew that Amber and Jesse were sneaking around doing…stuff. Amber didn’t give her details, but she’d told Celeste that she’d started having sex with Jesse. Celeste had been worried, but Amber reassured her.

Jesse was being very sneaky about getting condoms. They were careful about everything and planning as best they could. And they wanted to get married so, really, was it that big of a deal if they held off until they were done school?

Celeste kept it a secret, guarded it close to her heart. Because Amber was her best friend and she was so in love with Jesse. And Jesse loved Amber back. There wasn’t anything wrong with it.

But still…a pregnancy test?

“You’re sure you’re not pregnant?” Celeste asked.

“After Jesse, you’d be the next to know, I promise,” Amber said. “I’m serious. Cross my heart. I swear to God. I wouldn’t tell you like that either.”

“That’s good,” Celeste said, relaxing a little. But only a little. “You really scared me… I thought I was about to be a godmother or something.”

Amber let out a small laugh. “Sorry about that. I didn’t want to beat around the bush. How else was I supposed to ask?”

“I don’t know,” Celeste admitted, worrying her lip briefly. “What made you want a pregnancy test? Did something happen?”

“I missed my period in May and it didn’t start until the beginning of June,” Amber said. “It was kind of scary, you know? I mean, I’d be happy to have a baby but all of a sudden I was just worried about ten million things. Like, would Jesse and I have the wedding right away? And how would we look after a baby and go to school? Jesse and I hadn’t even gone over baby names yet! I was freaking out for like a whole month. It was…a lot.”

“I’ll say,” Celeste said. “I would probably have a heart attack.”

Celeste wasn’t really worried about herself. She didn’t have a boyfriend or anything close to something like that so it wasn’t even something that could happen. But Amber getting pregnant? That was terrifying.

“That’s how I felt,” Amber said. “I was sooo relieved when I started my period again. Which is a funny thing to be relieved about – I felt like garbage that week. But then I started thinking about it. I want to be ready if it happens again, you know? I want to know if I have to start breaking the news to everyone. I mean…like…”

She paused and then shuffled closer to Celeste. She turned to her fully, lowering her voice.

“I used to think about it like, ‘Oh, if it happens, it happens! I’d be happy to have a kid with Jesse!’ But then the reality of it hit me, you know?” Amber said, eyes going big. “Like, being a mom. Isn’t that a crazy thought? It’s not the same as being a big sister and making sure Peter or Noa don’t get into trouble. It’s like…a tiny, little baby… You know what I mean? And for a second, I was so scared, even though I want kids someday. It was real all of a sudden. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely,” Celeste said, leaning in too. Trying to put herself in Amber’s shoes, she could easily imagine how that would feel. “That makes total sense. That’s such a huge responsibility. And your parents…”

“Yeah,” Amber said. “They’d freak out. I mean, I think they’d be okay with it eventually and they love Jesse, but… I’d probably be grounded or something. I don’t even know! What do parents normally do when their teenage daughter gets pregnant? Is that even normal?”

“What if they wouldn’t let you see Jesse?”

Amber thought about it and then shook her head. “They like him too much. And our parents are friends. I think it would work out, but they’d lose it for sure.”

“I feel like they’d want you to wait to get married,” Celeste said. “Marriage is a big deal.”

“Having a baby is a big deal,” Amber said. “Why wait if Jesse and I are already having a kid together? We might as well make everything official. Jesse and I would be fine with it. We talk about getting married all the time.”

Celeste knew that much. Amber had been talking to her about wedding stuff since she started dating Jesse. A couple years ago, it seemed so far away. It was harmless fun – a cute thing to imagine. Talking about cakes and wedding dresses was the same as knights and princesses when they were fourteen. It was all fantasy.

Thinking about it now made it so much more real.

“It seems too fast,” Celeste said, trying to imagine feeling that way about a boy. “And… I don’t know, Amber. It’s a lot to think about. You’d need the dress and both your families and…”

“I know,” Amber said, leaning back. Then she smiled brightly. “And it’s not like it’s actually happening. But you see what I mean? I just want to get a pregnancy test so that I can know if I have to freak out or not if I miss my period again.”

“But where will you keep it?” Celeste said. “You don’t want your parents finding it accidentally.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Amber said. “I’ll keep it with my diary.”

Celeste was probably the only person other than Jesse who knew where Amber kept her diary. It was underneath the bottom drawer of her dresser. You had to pull out the drawer completely to get to it. She wrote her diary in a binder, having been inspired by Rion’s scrapbook, so she needed a spot where it wouldn’t easily be found.

“I guess that would be safe…” Celeste said. “But still. You basically have two younger brothers. You need to be careful when you’re hiding it or taking it out.”

“Peter won’t notice anything,” Amber snorted. “When his nose isn’t stuck in a book, he’s glued to a video game or running around with his friends. And Noa’s very polite. Even if he saw, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t say anything. The two of us have already shared some secrets.”

“You have?” Celeste said.

“Yeah,” Amber said. She hesitated, glancing off to the side but then leaned in again, lowering her voice back down. “You can’t tell anyone because he’ll get super embarrassed, but Noa really likes it when I sing to him.”

“Like a lullaby?” Celeste asked.

Amber grinned and nodded. “He’s such a kid sometimes. He’s not like Peter, who’s always been a little monster. Noa’s got this lovey, soft side to him. It’s super cute.”

“I thought you were complaining how stubborn he was last week,” Celeste said.

“Hey, I didn’t say he was perfect,” Amber said. “Noa can be a total gremlin when he’s in one of his moods. He’s pretty calm most of the time…”

She trailed off, her smile fading.

“What is it?” Celeste asked.

“Oh… I don’t know,” Amber said, reaching down to pick at a loose thread on the bottom hem of her shirt. “I guess… I’m kind of worried about Noa.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

“Sort of…”

Celeste expected more but Amber fell silent. It worried Celeste. She wondered if it was something serious. Amber told her pretty much everything.

“Can you…not talk about it?” Celeste asked.

“It’s not that,” Amber sighed. “Some things have been happening, and… I want to tell you all about it, but I want to talk to Noa first. Does that make sense?”

“Is he in trouble?”

“…I’m not sure,” Amber said. And then Celeste knew for sure it was serious. “I’m going to talk to him. I just need to figure out the right time and place and work up to it. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Okay…” Celeste said.

They both fell silent but not for long.

“So…I can come to the city with you? And get a pregnancy test?” Amber asked.

“Yeah. It should be fine,” Celeste said. “I’m sure I could get my parents to drop us off at the mall and we could go to a drug store and pick something up. Um… We just need to make sure to hide it.”

“I’ve been saving up my allowance,” Amber said. “I’m not sure how much pregnancy tests cost, but I’m pretty sure I have more than enough. I was thinking maybe we could pick up some other stuff like snacks and then we’d have shopping bags.”

“I guess that would work.”

“I’m going to bring my biggest purse too. Then I can put it in there and hide it.”

“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?” Celeste said with a small laugh.

“I had all of May to lose my mind and I’ve been planning since then,” Amber said with a grin. “I’m super ready!”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “Be ready for tomorrow then. And, you know, I can’t promise that my family won’t be annoying and hang around.”

“If it doesn’t work out, we can try again next time,” Amber said. “It’s not a rush or anything.”

Chapter 59 – Sarina

Monday, October 4, 2004

The rumours over the course of the weekend were insane. Sarina could barely keep up.

Everyone was talking about how Noa and Rion had gotten into a fight on Friday. According to the rumours, the police had to go and break it up. And then an ambulance had been called because Noa and Rion almost killed each other in a knife fight.

Of course, Sarina didn’t believe every rumour. She certainly wasn’t about to buy into this one. They were saying Noa attacked Rion first, that he stabbed him, and that was for sure absolute bullshit.

She ignored most of the talk. Sarina was curious, but she was sure everyone was over exaggerating. She waited until Monday, prepared to confront Rion on what actually happened.

But Rion didn’t show up to school.

The rumours were getting even more wild, saying stuff about the hospital. There was even talk about the Murphys or the Blums suing each other. It was so fucking stupid.

It made Sarina want a smoke.

She went straight home, shrugging off her friends. Her parents weren’t in when she got there, and Travis’s truck was gone too. She dropped her backpack on the shoe rack and went straight to the phone, dialing Celeste’s number. Someone picked up right away.

“Hello?”

Oh. It was Sophie.

Sarina grimaced. Sophie held a grudge against her for years that had something to do with Jolie. They hadn’t gotten along since they were kids.

“Hi, Sophie!” Sarina said, forcing a smile and trying to be cheerful. It sounded fake even to her own ears. “It’s Sarina.”

“Oh,” came an immediate, flat response. “What do you want?”

Rude.

“Is Celeste there?” Sarina asked. “I want to talk to her for a second.”

“Does this have something to do with what happened to Rion and Noa?” Sophie asked. “Why don’t you just leave them alone? Noa’s obviously not okay and everyone knows you’re horrible to Rion and beat him up with your friends. It doesn’t matter that you’ve got the teachers on your side–”

“Can you just shut up?” Sarina cut her off, already fed up.

“Shut up? Sure thing, Sarina!” Sophie said.

And then she hung up on her.

Sarina held up the phone, staring at it incredulously. Did that little bitch seriously just…?

No. It was fine. It was okay. That was Sophie. Sarina should expect that kind of thing from her.

Sarina dialed the number again. And again. Her fourth try made her consider walking down to the farm and knocking on the door in person but finally, someone picked up. This time it was Celeste.

“Hello? Sarina?”

Sophie must have told her who was calling.

“Hi, Celeste,” Sarina said, dropping her fake tone. “I need to talk to you. Rumours have been going crazy at school. I was going to ask Rion what happened, but he wasn’t there today.”

“…What did you hear?”

“You name it,” Sarina huffed. “Everyone’s talking about how Noa and Rion got into some kind of fight and that the police were called. Someone even said Noa was waving a knife around or some dumb shit. I don’t know. The rumours are going wild. Did Rion do something? I swear to God, if he attacked Noa…”

She snarled, gripping the phone tighter at the thought. If Rion did anything to Noa, she’d forget about ever being nice to him again. He was dead fucking meat if he–

“Rion didn’t hurt Noa,” Celeste said.

“Good!” Sarina said. “Good. So what happened then? Did they actually get into a fight? Or is that bullshit too?”

Celeste was quiet for too long. She finally let out a breath and Sarina could hear shifting on the other end of the line.

“They got into a fight.”

Sarina clenched her free hand into a fist.

How could Rion do that? How?! How could anyone get into a fight with Noa! He was quiet and gentle and–! Noa didn’t deserve that after everything he’d been through!

Maybe she should teach Rion a lesson anyway. After all, they’d gotten into a fight…

“What did Rion do?” Sarina demanded. “What kind of fight was it? Were they yelling?”

“Sarina…”

“I swear, if Rion tried to hurt Noa in any way, I’m going to–”

“Sarina, stop!”

She listened to Celeste, falling silent. She was breathing heavily, already worked up.

“Noa started the fight,” Celeste said.

…

Sarina’s mind went completely blank. She stood there for too long. Her breath caught. She couldn’t make sense of what she was hearing. And Celeste kept going.

“Noa got really upset. He wasn’t okay. All of us were gone except for Danny. Noa started going on about how he shouldn’t have been born… He broke some glasses and picked up one of the shards. Danny made it sound like he was going to…to hurt himself. Rion jumped in and tried to wrestle the glass away from him. Sarina, Rion saved Noa. And he was hurt really badly. He’s all cut up. They’re both still in the hospital.”

In the hospital?

Rion saved Noa?

Glass?

Sarina stood there, holding the phone. Part of her didn’t understand, couldn’t understand. It didn’t make sense.

Noa…tried to hurt himself?

She could feel herself tearing up. Sarina took a breath, but it was too sharp. Her chest hurt.

And then came an overwhelming wave of guilt.

She’d been so ready to turn on Rion and beat the shit out of him all over again. She’d been so ready to blame him…

It was Noa. Noa was in danger and Rion saved him.

Holy fuck.

“Sarina?” Celeste said.

“Yeah, uh… Hi,” Sarina said, fumbling, trying to get herself in order. There were tears streaking down her face, but she managed to keep her voice steady as she wiped them away with her sleeve. “I… You’re sure that’s what happened? Noa… Did Noa really…?”

“Yes. I’m sure. Danny said that’s what happened, and he wouldn’t lie. Even Rion said the same thing. It’s been crazy…”

“Yeah. Fuck. Sorry,” Sarina said, sniffling. She looked up, taking a breath and willing the tears to stop. “So… They’re in the hospital. They got cut up? How did that happen?”

“There was broken glass all over the floor. They were rolling in it.”

“Oh, fucking… Shit. I… Wow. Okay. I didn’t… Yeah.”

“I know. It’s a lot.”

“Noa really tried to… He was trying to…” Sarina began but she couldn’t say it.

“We don’t know that he was trying to hurt himself, but… He had a piece of glass in his hands and the way he was talking… Danny was pretty sure it wouldn’t have ended well.”

“And Rion just…jumped in there,” Sarina said faintly.

“Yeah, he did. He’s hurt way worse than Noa.”

“Fuck.”

Sarina stood there for a minute. She tried to center herself but it wasn’t working. She was a mess.

Noa tried to kill himself and Rion saved him.

She’d wanted to hurt Rion when he’d actually been a hero.

It was crazy. She could barely believe any of it. But Celeste and Danny wouldn’t lie. She knew that.

“Hey, um…” Sarina began. “Could I… I know that Rion won’t want to see me or whatever, but… Um… If I gave you something to give to him, could you do that for me? And just, like, not say it’s from me.”

“I could,” Celeste said. “Why? What do you want to give him?”

“Just… I don’t know… Some get-well stuff?” Sarina said. “He still likes chocolate, right?”

“Why…? Sorry. I shouldn’t ask, but… Aren’t the two of you still…?”

“Things are weird,” Sarina said, sniffling again. “I tried to apologize, and I guess I fucked up. I… I feel bad. I just want to do something nice, okay?”

Maybe it was just the guilt talking, but Sarina didn’t care.

“I can give him something if you want me to,” Celeste finally said. “As long as it isn’t anything weird.”

“No, no. Just normal stuff,” Sarina said. “I’ll… You know what? I’ll look for something and I’ll meet up with you later. Sounds good?”

“Okay,” Celeste said. “Sounds good.”

Chapter 60 – Rion

Monday, October 4, 2004

On Monday, Rion had another visit from Dr. Maes. She arrived shortly after his dad showed up and the two of them met for the first time.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Dr. Maes said. “My name is Dr. Laura Maes. I’m a pediatric physiatrist.”

“Hello,” his dad said, taking the hand she offered. They shook. “I’m Hartmann Blum, Rion’s father. But please call me Hart.”

“It’s very nice to meet you,” she said. “There’s some things I’d like to discuss with you when you have some time, but right now I’m here to see Rion.”

“Ah… Right. The doctor mentioned the two of you were doing some kind of assessment,” he said. “Or therapy? I’m not sure I understood.”

“I’m happy to explain it to you,” Dr. Maes told him. “I’ve given Rion an assessment, but he’s agreed to a few more sessions while he’s here.”

“Right. Maybe we could talk later,” his dad said.

“I’d like that,” Dr. Maes said. “There are some things for us to go over. Of course, what Rion and I talk about is confidential so I can’t tell you anything he’s said to me. But I can tell you what I do and give you a general overview of the situation.”

“I’d like that,” his dad said and turned to Rion. “Should I come back in a bit?”

“Sure,” Rion said. “If you’re not busy or anything…”

“I’m not busy. I’ll come back,” he said and turned to Dr. Maes. “Should I come in a few hours or…?”

“That should be perfect,” she said. “Thank you.”

His dad said goodbye and stepped out, leaving the two of them alone together.

Rion shifted, wincing. They’d reduced his pain meds. Despite feeling more level-headed, he was achy. He was fine when he lay still but everything stung when he moved. It was like being covered in millions of tiny paper cuts.

Rion also felt like garbage after talking to the others yesterday. Thinking about what happened to Amber…

It was always hard.

Dr. Maes pulled up a chair. She’d brought a clipboard with her this time.

“How are you feeling today, Rion?” she asked.

“Not great,” he said. “Tired, sore…”

“Fair enough,” Dr. Maes said. “I wanted to talk to you about a few important things today. But first, is there anything you’d like to talk about? Anything you want to tell me?”

“Uh…” Rion began. His mind went blank. “No?”

“It’s okay if you can’t think of anything. If something comes to mind, just let me know. Don’t feel pressured.”

“Okay. Sorry, I just… I can’t really think of anything. I unloaded a lot last time…”

“You did. And thank you again,” she said. “I wanted to address some bruising we noticed on your torso. It’s too old to be from the fight with Noa. Do you remember how that happened?”

“Oh, uh… Yeah.”

That was a huge topic to start with. Rion needed to think about it for a second.

He remembered Peter telling him that he should mention Sarina. She was the reason he was all bruised up.

He didn’t want to talk about it. It was stupid. As much as he hated it, Sarina and her friends were right to beat on him. And he couldn’t explain why, couldn’t explain the horrible things he’d done to deserve it.

There was no point in mentioning it. It would just be another conversation he didn’t want to have.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable,” Dr. Maes said. “We can come back to that later, if you want.”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, that’s fine. The other thing I wanted to talk to you about was the pictures that you looked at before your altercation with Noa. I was hoping we could go over them and you could tell me a bit about them.”

It was then that Rion noticed the envelope of pictures on top of her clipboard. He stiffened, whole body tensing. He couldn’t help it.

“Can… Can we talk about the bruises?” he said, desperately wanting to avoid the pictures.

“Sure,” she said. “We can talk about whatever you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Rion was silent, trying to collect his rushing thoughts. He wasn’t comfortable talking about anything. But with the pictures here… Part of him hoped to distract Dr. Maes. Maybe he could get out of dealing with the pictures entirely. Even if he put it off for just a little longer…

“We, uh… A bunch of us used to hang out with this girl called Sarina. I might have mentioned her,” Rion said, wetting his lips. “She… She never really liked me. We never got along. But, uh… I kind of have to go back a bit, because… See, there were these friendship bracelets. Amber made them…”

He stopped, hesitated, and tried to think of the easiest way to say it.

“Noa got upset the day of Amber’s funeral and he cut up his bracelet. I took it from him in case he ever wanted it back. Sarina ended up finding it at my place and she thought it was my bracelet since they look a lot alike. She confronted me about it in front of everyone, so… I lied. I said it was mine. And then…”

And then everyone turned on him. Everyone abandoned him. It still stung, even if they’d forgiven him and Noa.

Rion was alone for years. He hadn’t forgotten that. It didn’t go away.

“And then…?” Dr. Maes prompted him.

“Then everyone stopped hanging out with me,” Rion said. “They kind of ditched me. I mean, I get it. I do. I don’t blame them.”

“That sounds really hard,” Dr. Maes said. “You must have been lonely.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “But I did it for Noa, so… It was hard but I didn’t want them to treat him like that. So I just kinda… I went along with it.”

“You’re a very good friend,” Dr. Maes said. “Not everyone would be so loyal or endure that for someone else. And for six years? Is that how long it went on for?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a really, really long time.”

“Yeah,” he said, pausing to reach up and rub the back of his neck with his good hand. It made the cuts on his palm sting. “It worked out though. Except… Sarina had it out for me after that. It started with snide comments and pushing me around… I mean, it’s not that bad, but… Sometimes she hits me or kicks me or whatever.”

“She abuses you?” Dr. Maes asked.

“I wouldn’t call it that,” Rion said, looking away. He was uncomfortable thinking of it as abuse, especially after what he knew Noa had been through. “She’s an asshole. Her and her friends.”

“Her friends have hurt you too?”

“Yeah, sometimes. …I mean, not all of her friends. Mostly just Eric and Kyle. They’re assholes.”

“Rion, that’s serious.”

“Not really,” he said, trying to deny it. “I just… I… I don’t know. I’m not sure…”

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to talk about it. But then he saw the envelope of pictures on the clipboard again. He wanted to see those even less.

“Sarina apologized not too long ago,” he added. “Maybe it’s over now. I don’t know.”

“Bruising on the torso is concerning,” Dr. Maes said. “Especially the kind of deep bruising that you have. You’re lucky to not have any fractures or broken bones. The beatings they gave you must have been quite vicious to leave marks like that.”

“It’s really not that bad. Nothing I can’t handle,” Rion said. “But thanks for worrying, I guess. It’s kind of nice.”

“Doesn’t anyone else worry?” she asked. “Your father? Your friends?”

Rion shrugged. “I don’t think other people even notice. My dad doesn’t. Or… I guess he might kind of know something about it now. The others… Peter, Jesse, and Celeste…well, and Noa… They only just found out recently.”

“And what did they say? How did they react?”

“They weren’t happy,” Rion said. “They were upset.”

“That seems appropriate.”

“I guess so.”

“Have you considered pressing charges?”

“What? Against Sarina?” Rion said and snorted. “Yeah, no thanks. As soon as an adult shows up, Sarina pulls out the waterworks. She bawls her eyes out and plays the victim. It’s not worth it. At this point, all the teachers hate me, and the principal has been threatening to suspend me or kick me out of school.”

Dr. Maes paused. “I want to say that the police operate differently. And they do. But…if I’m being honest, a crying girl has more power than some people assume. I can see how that would put you in a difficult position because of perceptions.”

“Yeah…” Rion said, a little surprised that she understood. “Yeah, she blames things on me and then I’m the one who gets scolded for picking on a girl. It’s not fair.”

“No, that isn’t fair,” Dr. Maes said. “Are there witnesses?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah,” Rion said, blinking.

“That could help your case with the police,” Dr. Maes said. “If there are witnesses who will give an honest statement about what they saw, your word would have more weight.”

“Well, maybe. But I don’t want to press charges,” Rion said. “I’d rather just forget about the whole thing. It’s not important.”

“If that’s how you feel,” Dr. Maes said. “But I still think it’s a concern.”

“I get that. But it’s fine…”

His gaze darted the envelope of pictures on her clipboard. He was afraid she would drop the Sarina topic and move onto that next. So he blurted the first thing that came to mind.

“I think I’m gay.”

He regretted it immediately, even though Dr. Maes didn’t have any noticeable reaction, other than to raise her eyebrows slightly. He looked down, his insides squirming in discomfort.

Stupid. He was stupid. Why did he say that?

“Why do you think that?” she asked.

“Huh?” he said, looking back up at her. And then he felt his whole face growing hot. “I mean… I… I don’t like girls…”

“That doesn’t mean you’re gay,” Dr. Maes said.

She was watching him, but she didn’t seem to be judging him. She didn’t look disgusted and she wasn’t freaking out.

It still made Rion shiver. He was so anxious about it, about being judged for it.

He’d never told anyone that he thought he was gay. He’d barely even voiced it aloud to himself and he tried not to think about it. He was worried about it, tried to shove it down and bury it and be as normal as he could.

But he couldn’t change how he really felt.

“I guess you’re right…” Rion said.

“Sexuality can be a complicated thing. You don’t need to put it in a box and give it a label,” Dr. Maes told him. “You might not be attracted to women, but that could mean a lot of different things. Maybe you’re not attracted to anyone or maybe you just haven’t met the right person.”

Part of him wanted to agree. He wanted to lean into the safety of that statement. But Rion already waited too long, hoping that maybe he just had a bad impression of girls because of Sarina, or maybe he just hadn’t met the right girl. He’d tried to look at pictures and things, tried to assess his classmates. He felt nothing at all for any girl.

But the problem wasn’t just the girls. It was the guys. He definitely noticed them. Men caught his eye and the few times he fantasized… It was always men. Even when he tried to push that down to the furthest corner of his mind. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t control it.

“You’re not wrong,” Rion said. “But… I like… I like guys. I know I do. So…”

“All right. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that either,” Dr. Maes said.

“There…isn’t?” he asked, feeling just a little hopeful.

She smiled at him. “There are people out there who feel like it’s wrong. But this is something that’s a part of who you are. You might be able to control your actions and what you do and who you date, but you can’t control attraction.”

“I… Yeah. That’s true,” Rion said, blinking. This was not how he expected this conversation to go. “Um… I’ve never… I’ve never told anyone this.”

“No?” Dr. Maes asked. “No one?”

“I kind of… I might have brought it up with my dad. Indirectly. He didn’t know I was talking about…me,” Rion admitted, looking down in embarrassment, picking at his bandages. “He didn’t seem to mind. So there’s that. But, uh… I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about…you know…how I felt.”

It happened a long time ago and he barely remembered the conversation now. All he remembered was that his dad seemed fine with it. That was what mattered at the time.

“If you’re not ready to talk to other people, then you’re not ready. And that’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “You’re still young. You should be comfortable with who you are and tell people you trust when you’re ready. And you don’t have to tell anyone at all if you don’t want to. There’s no need to limit or put a label on yourself.”

“Yeah… I guess that’s true,” he said. “I’ve never really thought about it like that before. I guess… Yeah. Uh… That’s a good point.”

“It’s good to explore your thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Maes said. “It can help you to be more comfortable with who you are. And that’s hard for anyone.”

“I don’t know about that,” Rion said with a soft laugh. “Most people seem pretty confident to me.”

“A lot of people are fakers,” she told him, lowering her voice and giving him a wink. “Or they hide their insecurities.”

“Maybe.”

“Most people have something they hide from the rest of the world. And think of this way; unless you start dating another man, no one will know your preference without you telling them.”

“I guess so,” Rion said.

He understood her point. It was possible to keep all kinds of secrets. After all, the secret that Noa and Rion shared…

What happened to Amber…

But no. This was different. This was very, very different. This was about Rion and who he was. He felt like he could mess up and people could find out. He didn’t know how anyone would be able to tell, but sometimes he just felt like it was so obvious and everyone could see right through him.

Sarina and her friends calling him a fag didn’t help either. It made him feel like they knew, even though he was sure they didn’t.

If they would call him slurs just to be assholes, what would they say if they found out that he was actually gay?

He didn’t want to think about it anymore, even though talking to Dr. Maes made him feel so much better. She didn’t freak out and she treated him like he was normal… He didn’t know how to handle it.

He wanted to talk about something else, but he found his gaze shifting back to the envelope on the clipboard. His discomfort reared its head again.

But what else could he say? He felt like he’d exhausted the topics too quickly.

Maybe…

Maybe he just needed to get it over with.

“Hey, um…” he began, clearing his throat. “You said you have pictures. The ones that… The ones from the day Amber died?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said.

He expected her to start pulling them out. He expected her to show him the pictures. But she didn’t. She just sat there, watching him, looking totally relaxed and open.

“You…wanted to talk about them?” Rion said.

“I do,” she said. “But we don’t have to if you’re not ready.”

“Wait… Really?” Rion said, thrown off. “But… What? Don’t you have to ask?”

“No. That’s not how this works,” she said with a soft chuckle. “If you aren’t ready to talk about something, then you aren’t ready. I’m not going to force you into anything. We can talk about whatever you want. This is the second time we’ve sat down and talked. I don’t expect you to feel ready.”

“Oh…” he said.

And it was a relief. He thought he had to talk about it. Knowing he had an option to refuse made everything so much easier. He could avoid it entirely…

But Rion was sure it would keep coming up.

He didn’t think this would be the last time she brought the pictures with her. Rion was sure he’d have them looming over him until he decided to talk. And he didn’t want that. It was too much.

“I don’t want to talk about them or look at them again,” Rion said honestly. “But I’m okay to try. I can stop if I want to, right?”

“Absolutely,” Dr. Maes told him. “We can stop any time. Just let me know if you’re getting overwhelmed or you’re done. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said. “I… Thanks. Um… I don’t know where to start.”

“Do you want to see the pictures? Would that be okay?”

No, it wouldn’t. But Rion didn’t want to say that. He’d just asked to go over this so it was better to agree.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay. Here, let’s just make some adjustments.”

There was an overbed table off to the side – basically a tray on wheels that could be adjusted to different heights so that it could hover over the bedside. Dr. Maes got up and pulled it over, adjusting it so that Rion had a flat surface over his lap. He’d only used it for his meals so far but it was pretty handy. Dr. Maes grabbed a wipe and cleaned the surface (despite it already looking clean) before placing the envelope down before him.

“There you go,” she said, taking her seat again. “That should make things easier for you.”

“Yeah, um… Thanks,” he said.

She’d really laid everything out for him. It was all ready to go. He just needed to do the rest himself.

It was hard.

Rion’s heart sped up in his chest as he reached for the envelope. His hands weren’t shaking but he could feel his palms starting to sweat in his bandages, his cuts stinging as he picked the package up and opened it, pulling the pictures out.

He set the envelope aside and spread the pictures across the table. Until he found the blurred ones. He left them in a clump underneath the picture of squirrels on the trail that led behind the cabin.

“Who took which pictures?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Um… I had the camera a lot,” Rion admitted. “But this one, this one, and this one were Noa.”

“And the rest were taken by you and Amber?”

“The ones of me and Noa were done by Amber. But the rest…the rest were me.”

Even as he said it, Rion’s eyes were drawn to the picture of Amber. She looked bright eyed, happy.

It stung. It hurt to look at. She’d been alive and well and then, that same day…

Rion put her in the bathtub.

He couldn’t go there. He couldn’t think about it.

He grabbed the picture of the lake and placed it over top of Amber’s picture. He couldn’t look at her smiling face anymore. He was too uncomfortable, his heart beating too hard.

“Rion?” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah?”

“Why did you cover up Amber?”

He did a double take, glancing between the pictures and Dr. Maes.

“I… It hurts to look at her,” he admitted. “Sorry…”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m just trying to understand. Do you think you’d feel up to talking about that day?”

“I told the others what happened,” Rion said, hesitating. “I kind of… I… I broke down…”

“I heard about that,” Dr. Maes said. “That’s okay. You can stop if you feel overwhelmed and if you do break down, I’m here for you. We can work through it together. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, swallowing hard.

But he didn’t want to say anything. The words stuck in his throat. Rion thought it would be easier a second time, but it really wasn’t.

Dr. Maes sat there, waiting patiently for him. He probably could have stopped right there and not said anything else and she’d be fine with it. But he had to say something. He had to get this over with and out of the way.

He never wanted to see these pictures ever again.

“We went for a walk,” Rion said, barely managing to keep his voice steady.

He looked at the picture of him and Noa. He tried to focus on Noa’s face, Noa’s smile, to remind himself who he had done this for. It helped.

“We went for a walk,” he said again. “We went back to the cabin. Then the fire started. We panicked. Noa burned his hand on the wall, and… We got out. Then we ran for help.”

It was shorter than the version he’d told the others. He didn’t care. That was what happened. That was all. That was it. Simple. Done.

Rion tried to force himself to believe that was what happened. He had to focus on it, make it real in his own head. He had to make it true.

“Who went for a walk?”

Rion looked up at Dr. Maes. “Who?”

“Yes,” she said. “Who went for a walk?”

“Me, Noa, and Amber,” Rion said, blinking. “The three of us went together.”

“And where did you go?” Dr. Maes asked. “Down to the beach or the store…?”

“No. I think it’s gone now, but…but there used to be this path that went up behind the cabin,” Rion said. “It looped around through the woods. It was kind of a scenic little walking path. Um… It was maybe a twenty-minute walk?”

“Did you take any pictures while you were there?” Dr. Maes asked. “Because it was scenic?”

“This one,” Rion said, pointing to the photo of squirrels that was still covering the stack of blurry pictures.

“That’s a good one. Those squirrels are cute,” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah,” Rion said.

“Were you doing anything while you walked?” Dr. Maes continued. “I like to go for walks with an MP3 player. This was a while back… Did you have a Walkman or anything? Or were you talking and hanging out?”

“We were talking,” Rion said.

“Do you remember the conversation?”

He remembered it so vividly. It was painfully real in his head. He remembered every word. But he couldn’t say that.

“Not really,” Rion said.

“Did you stop by anywhere or did you follow the path back to the front of the cabin?”

Rion’s mind hit a snag, his thoughts jerking to a stop. He couldn’t blatantly lie but he couldn’t say what happened either.

Amber and Noa argued. Amber slipped.

Rion couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t. It was a secret. Because otherwise, what would people think of Noa? They might blame him and think it was his fault. But it wasn’t!

It was an accident!

Rion skipped over it entirely. There was only one thing he could say.

“We went back to the cabin,” Rion said.

“So, no stops along the way?” Dr. Maes said.

“We went back to the cabin,” Rion repeated.

Dr. Maes paused, hesitating for the briefest of moments.

“Did you take any shortcuts?” she asked. “Did anything happen?”

“We went back to the cabin,” he said again, like a broken record.

He didn’t have any other words. He couldn’t elaborate. He was stuck.

“Okay. I understand. You went back to the cabin,” Dr. Maes said, and he relaxed a little, ignoring how she made some kind of note on her clipboard. “What happened after that?”

They carried Amber inside. They found out she was bleeding everywhere. Noa said she was dead. He was crying. And then Rion was crying too and he knew he had to fix things. And–

The bathtub.

The blow dryer.

“Amber was in the bathroom,” Rion said, his voice cracking, struggling to get the words out.

Again, Dr. Maes hesitated.

“She went to the bathroom?” Dr. Maes asked for clarification.

“She was in the bathroom.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“She was in the bathroom.”

“Was she in there when the fire started?”

“Yes,” Rion said.

He kept his gaze fixed on the picture of Noa. He had to focus on him. He had to think of him. Noa was what mattered. Noa was important.

Rion tasted smoke. He swallowed hard, throat dry.

“Do you remember where the fire started?” Dr. Maes asked.

“In the bathroom wall,” Rion said.

“In the wall?” Dr. Maes repeated. “Did you go into the bathroom?”

Rion knew he probably shouldn’t answer but he just wanted it over with and…did it really hurt to tell her? This was private, just between them.

“Yes,” Rion said.

There was another long pause, broken only by the scratching of Dr. Maes’s pen.

“What did you see? Or what did you do?” Dr. Maes asked.

And then it was easier to speak again. Because the part with Amber was over.

“Noa came to get me. I was on the bathroom floor, freaking out,” Rion said. “That was when Noa burned his hand. He tried to grab me and I was flailing around and he…he braced his hand on the burning wall.”

“And what did you do?”

“I heard Noa make a noise. Because he was hurt. And then I saw the fire and I… I grabbed Noa and started screaming and pulling at him.”

“What did Noa do?”

“He ran. We both ran. We got outside and then… I think Noa threw up.”

“Did you go for help?”

“No, I… I didn’t know what to do. I was freaking out. Noa… It was Noa who said that we should go get help. At least I think so. We went to John’s cabin, and then a bunch of people started to show up and the firefighters were called, and…and then the fire started going crazy.”

He fell silent but poked at the pictures. He pushed the random ones aside, keeping the one of him and Noa. He didn’t want to look at the rest.

“Can I ask you when the blurry pictures were taken?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion glanced at them. The squirrel was still covering the stack but he could see the corner of the one underneath, see the blue of Amber’s jeans…

“It… It was an accident…” Rion said softly.

“I’m sorry?” Dr. Maes said.

“The pictures,” Rion said. He didn’t have a better way to explain. “They were… It was an accident.”

“Do you remember how it happened?” she asked.

“It was an accident,” he said again.

“…Okay, Rion. It was an accident,” Dr. Maes said. “I understand.”

She didn’t. But that was okay. Rion pushed the blurry pictures all the way to the corner of the overbed table. He pulled the picture of him and Noa closer, as close to him as he could. Everything else was pushed to the other side now.

“Do you know why Noa might have been upset by these pictures?” Dr. Maes asked.

Yes. He did.

Rion made Noa look at them. When Mrs. Murphy mentioned blurry pictures, Rion wondered what they were, if they were the ones from when they carried Amber into the cabin.

And they were.

“I… I don’t know,” Rion lied. “I don’t know. I just… I… They’re hard to look at.”

“I can tell,” Dr. Maes said. “Is that one your favourite?”

She was talking about the picture of Noa and Rion together. He was fiddling with the corner, bending it, picking at it.

“I guess,” Rion said. “I wish I could time travel. I wish I could go back to when this picture was taken, and… I wish I could fix everything.”

“I think a lot of people wish that,” Dr. Maes said.

A lot of people probably did. But if Rion had that kind of power, he could do so much good with it. He could save Amber. She would be alive again, and then everything would be okay. Everything would be right.

Rion would’ve given anything for a do-over.

“I miss her,” Rion said.

“Who?” Dr. Maes asked. “Amber?”

“Yeah,” he said. “She was great. Really nice. She cared about people, and… She was a really good person. She didn’t deserve to…to… You know…?”

And just like that, there were tears clouding his vision. He tried to blink them back but that only made it worse.

Silently, Dr. Maes passed him the tissue box from his nightstand.

Chapter 61 – Peter

Monday, October 4, 2004

With so much going on and Noa still being in the hospital, Peter skipped his classes to be with his family.

Sunday night, Noa didn’t want to see them. He’d outright turned them away with no hesitation. They dropped off his get-well card before heading home. When they tried to visit again on Monday morning, he turned them away a second time. Deciding to visit Rion instead, they found out he was with Dr. Maes. Their only choice was to come back later.

So, they’d gone down to the main floor for coffee to wait and try to soothe their collective disappointment.

Peter could tell that both his parents were emotionally exhausted. His mom was still trying to be optimistic, saying they should keep trying until Noa was ready to see them. Peter wanted to agree, but it was hard given the circumstances.

On their way to get coffee, something occurred to Peter. The other day, what Rion said…

“Mom? Dad?” he said. “Do you remember how Noa burned his hand?”

They turned to him in unison.

“You mean, at the cabin?” his dad asked. “In the fire?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “I thought he burned it by grabbing the doorknob trying to get into the cabin. But the other day, Rion said that wasn’t true.”

“I think Noa burned himself inside the cabin,” his mom said. “If I remember… It was some kind of accident.”

They knew?

Peter looked between them. They never talked about what happened. Peter understood because even he didn’t want to think about it. It hardly ever came up. But if Rion was right…

“Rion said Noa burned his hand on the wall inside the cabin,” Peter said. “We asked him about it and he kind of told us what happened. It’s not what I remember hearing.”

His parents exchanged a glance.

“You were fourteen back then, Peter,” his dad said. “We didn’t think you needed the details. It was…”

“It was hard,” his mom said. “It was really, really hard.”

“I know,” Peter said. “I’m just trying to understand. I think I’ve mentioned the whole doorknob story before. Everyone talks about it. You… I don’t remember either of you correcting it.”

“There were so many rumours,” his mom said, shaking her head. “We didn’t want to say anything to add fuel to the fire. People were bound to gossip.”

“It doesn’t change what happened to Amber,” his dad said. “We didn’t want to talk about it. It’s not a happy subject.”

“But what really happened?” Peter said. “Rion said they went on a walk and came back. He said Amber was in the bathroom, then the fire started and they panicked. Noa burned his hand on the wall and they ran out together. He made it sound almost as if…as if they left Amber behind.”

His parents exchanged another look.

“Why don’t we get coffee before we talk about it,” his dad said.

The lineup seemed extra long while they got coffee. They picked out some comfortable seats in the corner of the main area, slightly off to the side next to some potted plants.

“Peter,” Mom said once they sat down and she’d taken a deep, calming breath. “You need to understand that…you were all kids six years ago. Noa and Rion were very young and they went through something really traumatic.”

“I know that,” Peter said. “I’m just trying to understand what happened.”

“And we’re trying to explain,” Dad said. “The thing is, it was hard for Noa and Rion to explain what happened. They were scared and devastated about Amber. And with the fire as bad as it was… It was hard to figure out exactly what happened.”

“But Noa and Rion were there,” Peter said. “I know it was hard on them, but I thought they talked to everyone and gave statements.”

“They did,” his mom said. “They told us everything they could.”

“They said that Amber was in the bathroom, right?” Peter said. “When Rion told us, Jesse got really upset. He was worried that she was trapped in there by herself. Rion didn’t give us any other details, so…”

He spread out his hands, hoping for some kind of explanation. His parents exchanged another look, but it was different from the others. It was a shared expression of pain and sadness. Peter watched them, unease settling in the pit of his stomach.

“Amber didn’t suffer,” Mom finally said, turning back to him. “She didn’t… There was nothing Rion or Noa could have done. They were smart to run away and save themselves.”

“So… What? I don’t understand,” Peter said. “What happened?”

His mom put a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes, swallowing hard. His dad put an arm around her, pulling her close. She leaned into him.

“Let’s talk about it later, okay?” Dad said.

“Okay…” Peter said.

But he didn’t understand. What did that mean? Amber didn’t suffer… That was a good thing, wasn’t it?

Why couldn’t Noa or Rion do anything for her? Had she really been trapped? Did the fire start between the bathroom and the living room? Had the smoke gotten to Amber?

That was the only way Peter could make sense of it. If Amber died because of smoke inhalation or the fire was blocking the way…

Seeing how his mother reacted, he figured it was probably best to bring it up some other time. Maybe once they got back home or something…

“Oh. Hey.”

Peter turned at the sound of a familiar voice. Mr. Blum had approached them, coffee in hand. He looked as tired and lost as Peter felt.

“Oh, Hart. Hey,” Peter’s dad said. “Waiting to see how Rion’s doing?”

“Yeah. He’s talking to that psychiatrist right now – Dr. Maes,” he said.

Peter’s mom had straightened, composing herself and sucking in a deep breath, letting it out slow. His dad kept an arm around her, giving her a comforting squeeze.

“Noa started seeing Dr. Maes not too long ago,” Mom said and offered Mr. Blum a weak smile. “She’s amazing.”

“That’s good to hear,” Mr. Blum said. “They think Rion needs to see someone. I’m not sure if they mean just while he’s in the hospital or long term. I’ve been talking to the doctors. They’re worried about him being underweight too and apparently he’s getting into fights at school. It’s…really overwhelming.”

As he spoke, Peter realized that unlike his family, Rion’s dad was alone.

When it came to Noa, both his parents talked and made decisions together. Peter tried to help where he could. Because he cared. Because he was worried. And between Peter and his parents, they managed Noa’s situation as a team.

Rion and his dad didn’t have that. It was eye opening. Because Peter struggled to imagine how different this would be without any kind of support or discussion – just a doctor telling the facts and passing along information.

That had to be really, really hard…

“Why don’t you pull up a seat,” his dad said. “We wanted to visit Rion, since Noa doesn’t want to see us. Rion’s busy so we figured we’d get coffee and wait. Why don’t we all go back up together once he’s free.”

“Sure,” Mr. Blum said. He pulled up a seat and joined them. “To be honest, sometimes I don’t know what to say to Rion. He’s pretty quiet. He spends a lot of his time at home playing games or downloading things on the computer.”

“That sounds a lot like Peter,” his mom said.

“I guess Rion and I have similar taste,” Peter said.

“You’ve really sprouted up,” Mr. Blum commented. “I remember when you used to come over as a kid. Glad to leave those teenage years behind?”

Peter sat a little straighter. He couldn’t help it. He had gotten tall over the years and while it had its inconveniences, he couldn’t deny that he liked towering over people and standing out in a crowd.

It worked to his advantage when Eric and Kyle ganged up on Rion.

“More than happy,” Peter said. “I’m in college now, doing a computer systems technology course. I’m learning a bit of everything – even programming. It can be hard but I’m enjoying it.”

“That’s good,” Mr. Blum said. “Programming is getting big. Lots of people are getting into all that Internet stuff and setting up websites… I hear the pay is pretty good too.”

“That’s right,” Peter said. “There’s lots of job opportunities. There are already companies trying to steal us right out of school before we’ve even finished.”

“Peter wants to make video games,” his dad added with a smile.

Peter could feel his face heating up.

“Well… Yes,” he confessed. “But it’s also the kind of education that opens a lot of doors. So even if I can’t make games, I’ll still be able to get a job.”

“That’s a smart way of doing it,” Mr. Blum said. “You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

“Thanks.”

Peter was flattered by the praise. He hadn’t spoken to Mr. Blum in a long time, but he was a lot like Peter remembered; warm, friendly, and encouraging.

If he was around for Rion more often, Peter would say he was a great dad. Unfortunately, Peter knew how often he was away, busy working. Rion spent way too much time at home by himself…

But it didn’t feel appropriate to bring it up.

They chatted a little longer, finishing off their coffees. As they talked, something occurred to Peter. He wanted to let the idea sit but the more he rolled it around his head, the more he realized he should say something.

“Um… Mr. Blum?” Peter said. “I was wondering if you could do me a favour.”

“Oh, sure. What is it?” he asked.

“When we were kids, Amber made us friendship bracelets,” Peter said, rolling back his sleeve to show Rion’s dad his bracelet. “Rion has one but he hasn’t been wearing it.”

“Oh, I remember those,” Mr. Blum said. “Yeah. Rion’s and Noa’s used to match, right?”

Peter blinked. He was taken aback for a moment. He didn’t expect Mr. Blum to remember.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, they used to match. A lot has been going on, and… I think it might help him to have his old friendship bracelet while he’s in the hospital. I think he had it in his bedroom, underneath his pillow. Do you think you could bring it back for him?”

Maybe the bracelet would remind Rion that they were in this together and that everyone was here to support him and Noa. Maybe it would remind him that they were still friends after everything that happened. That Amber loved him… It helped tie all of them together as friends.

It seemed like the perfect idea. Rion could wear his bracelet again. He probably wanted to anyway. Especially now that Sarina knew the truth, and everything was out in the open. He didn’t have a reason to hide it.

“I can do that,” Mr. Blum said. “I’ll grab it next time I head home. I was going to get some more of his things anyway, since we don’t know when he’ll be out of the hospital.”

“That sounds like a great idea. Thanks,” Peter said. “I think it would help. Rion seems lonely sometimes. I worry about him.”

Mr. Blum’s expression fell. Peter worried he’d said too much.

“Thanks. I feel like I’ve gotten into the rhythm of going to work, coming home late, and… I should be there for Rion a lot more than I am,” he said. “He became independent so fast, and… I don’t know. Maybe that’s an excuse.”

“He needs you now and you’re here,” Peter’s dad said.

“Maybe,” Mr. Blum said. “I feel like I need to do better…”

“It’s hard to say what’s right as a parent,” his mom added. “There are no rules to parenting. Each relationship between parent and child is different. And if you feel like there’s something that needs to be fixed, maybe you should have a conversation with Rion about it. Ask him how he feels.”

“Yeah… Yeah, I think I will,” Mr. Blum said. “Thank you.”

Chapter 62 – Noa

Monday, October 4, 2004

The Murphys tried to visit Noa twice and both times Noa turned them away. They left him a get-well card that was signed by everyone.

Noa didn’t look at it. He didn’t want anything to do with any of them right now.

Thinking about the Murphys left an uncomfortable pit of anxiety in his chest. It was a prickling, burning sensation that stayed for hours without subsiding. He hated it. He wanted to be far away from them right now.

Once Noa had some art supplies, things were a little easier. But only a little.

Noa preferred pencils and paints. He was not a fan of charcoals or pastels. And that’s what Gary the nurse brought him.

Noa’s first reaction was to pitch the small pack of charcoal across the room. Gary saved the pastels before Noa could get his hands on them. All the art supplies were confiscated until Noa couldn’t take it anymore and reluctantly asked nicely to have them back. He was given his previous slightly crumpled paper and a couple of broken charcoals.

That annoyed him even more.

He did a vicious, angry sketch of Gary. He made the stupid little ducks on his scrubs claw their way out of fabric and turn into evil bird monsters that attacked the man, clawing out his eyes and ripping apart his face. He’d handed the page to Gary and, much to his dismay, Gary had been thrilled.

“Oh, cool! Wow!” he said. “That’s really great, Noa! I love it! You know, with art like this, you could probably get a job doing T-shirt designs or tattoos or something. I know a place in the city–”

“I didn’t want you to like it,” Noa cut him off.

“Oh, I know that. You’re mad, right?” Gary said, not off-put in the slightest. “What a great way to take out your anger. I’m genuinely impressed.”

“You make me so angry,” Noa muttered, voice low, pushing at the back of his throat.

“Do you mind if I keep this?” Gary asked, holding onto the picture. “I really like it.”

Noa wanted to tell him no. He wanted to snap at him and be mean. He wanted to take the picture and tear it to bits.

But he didn’t. Because it wasn’t worth the effort.

“Keep it,” he grumbled, pulling forward a blank sheet.

By Monday morning, Noa had worked through several drawings. He did some nasty, angry ones. He drew several monsters and angry, snarling, fighting animals, before he eventually drew some things to calm himself.

He drew the characters from the comic he and Rion made. He drew more hands – his own this time. He didn’t draw bandages often and the ones from the hospital had an interesting texture.

It was hard to get it just right with the charcoals. He wished he had a pencil, but they didn’t want to give him anything sharp.

Just as he was finishing a sketch, Dr. Maes decided to come by for a visit.

“Hello, Noa,” she said when she was shown in. “How are you?”

He glanced up at her and then looked back down. His fingers were blackened from working with the charcoals and his pages were spread out across the overbed table they’d wheeled in for him to work on. Deciding he didn’t want Dr. Maes to look at his work, he began to stack them neatly, trying not to smear anything, placing his hand picture on top.

“I’ve had a busy morning so far,” Dr. Maes said, pulling up a chair when he didn’t respond. She moved so that the table was between them. “Looks like you’ve been busy too… Do you need to wash your hands?”

Noa shrugged as he set the stack of charcoal drawings next to him on the bed. He looked down, rubbing his fingertips together. He could already see some black fingerprints smudged here and there.

He should clean up. He needed to. But he didn’t want to say anything.

Talking was dangerous. Especially with Dr. Maes. He needed to be more careful this time. It wasn’t so bad talking to Gary and he was able to turn the Murphys away, but… He didn’t think he could win that same fight if he was up against Dr. Maes. She would probably keep him here at the hospital until he would see her…

Actually, he was already starting to feel better. His cuts still hurt and his stitches ached, but it was less intense. Really, he wasn’t so bad. It would probably be fine for him to go home. He felt like he could manage it.

“Here. One second,” Dr. Maes.

She set her clipboard down on the table and got up to get something for his hands. And that was when Noa saw what she’d brought with her.

The clipboard itself had some plain, unused paper clipped to it, but there was also a familiar pack of pictures clipped on top.

September 4, 1998.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Noa glared at Dr. Maes when she came back with hand wipes. She offered them to him and he recoiled.

“Noa?” she said. “Is something wrong?”

“Why do you have those pictures?” he asked, voice hitting the back of his throat.

“Oh. I was hoping we could go over them together,” she said. She was still offering him the wipes. “What do you think?”

“No,” Noa told her.

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “That’s fine.”

Noa studied her with narrowed eyes. He didn’t believe it would be that easy. It had to be some kind of trick. Still, he hesitantly accepted a wipe and began to rub the charcoal off his fingers.

Dr. Maes picked up her clipboard to wipe down the table. Then she sat back down and neatly placed the envelope of pictures on the tabletop between them, keeping her clipboard close.

Noa glowered at the envelope.

“I heard these pictures were the reason that you fought with Rion,” Dr. Maes said. “I’d like to talk about it, if that’s okay. But we can–”

“No,” he said.

“But we can talk about something else, since you don’t seem to like the idea,” she finished. “You know, I saw Rion today.”

That caught Noa off-guard. He stared at her, his mind trying to catch up.

Rion? She saw Rion? Really?

“Is he okay?” Noa asked.

“He’s managing,” Dr. Maes said. “That reminds me… He asked me a while ago if I could tell you not to blame yourself. He’s very worried about you. Other than that, he’s not doing too bad. He’s getting a lot of visitors.”

That sounded just like Rion.

Noa wasn’t surprised Rion was worried about him. He wasn’t surprised that he was getting visitors either. Noa would probably get visitors too if people were allowed to come in groups. Instead, he could only see them one at a time. Unless it was the Murphys. And he didn’t want to see the Murphys.

Of course, Noa didn’t want to see anyone else either, so it was fine. It made him feel a little bad for Rion, actually. He hoped he wasn’t bothered by everyone fussing over him. Or…Noa assumed they would fuss over him.

Then a new thought occurred to him.

“Why are you talking to Rion?” he asked.

“I can’t say,” Dr. Maes told him.

She couldn’t say? That meant confidentiality. That meant…

Rion was seeing Dr. Maes too.

“What did you talk about?” Noa asked. “What did he tell you?”

“Noa, I can’t tell you that,” Dr. Maes said.

Briefly, Noa hated her.

He understood confidentiality. It had been his own personal reassurance until now.

Now it was horrible and inconvenient and–

What were they talking about? What would Rion say? Would he tell Dr. Maes about Amber? Would she do anything if he did? What would she think if she knew…?

No. Rion wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that…

“Did you show him the pictures too?” Noa asked.

“You can ask as much as you like, but I’m not going to have that conversation with you,” Dr. Maes said. “If you want to know, you’ll have to ask Rion yourself once you’re able to see him.”

Noa sat up straight. “When will I be able to see him?”

“I don’t know. That depends on you,” Dr. Maes told him. “Since you’re refusing to see your family, I think that you should at least be willing to meet with them first. Maybe if you saw some of your other friends too, we’d have a little more confidence in letting the two of you have a visit. After that, we’ll see.”

Noa pinched his lips into a thin line, staring her down.

She had him trapped. He had to go along with what the hospital staff wanted and be ‘good’ to be able to see Rion. He knew how things worked.

He didn’t want to do this. He hated it. But was it worth it to see Rion?

Yes.

Noa was perfectly willing to make sacrifices for his best friend.

There was an opportunity in front of him right now. The envelope of pictures was on the table right in front of him. This was what Dr. Maes wanted him to look at, what she wanted him to talk about.

It was like playing a game with specific objectives. Noa could do that. It was simple.

He grabbed the envelope and turned it upside down, the pictures spilling out. His emotions spiked at the sight, a thrill of adrenaline shooting through him. He fought it down, crushed the feeling inside him as best he could.

The first picture on top was of him and Rion. He grabbed it, held onto it, focused on it. He could handle that one.

The others could all rot.

“What are you doing, Noa?” Dr. Maes asked.

“You wanted to go over the pictures,” Noa told her. “So let’s go over them.”

“If that’s what you want,” she said. “It’s up to you.”

She was perfectly calm and pleasant about it. Noa shot her a dirty look. He huffed and looked back down at the pictures. And then…

Then he didn’t know what to do.

Looking at the pictures made his skin crawl. He didn’t know what to say about them. He only knew that Dr. Maes wanted to talk about them. But he had to say something, didn’t he? What should he…? How should he…?

“Is that one your favourite?” Dr. Maes asked, pointing to the one in his hands.

“Yes,” Noa said without hesitation.

Because it was him and Rion. They were together. That picture was safe. It was one of the last happy memories he had, even if it was tainted by Amber’s death.

“Did Amber take that picture?” Dr. Maes continued.

“Yes.”

“It’s a good one. Why don’t you show me who took which pictures?”

Noa didn’t want to. But he had to get this over with.

He slapped the picture of him and Rion down and started to roughly shove the pictures into different piles. He grimaced, hating every second of sorting, hating touching them.

Rion took most of the pictures. He found the one of Amber first, putting it at the bottom of the stack of blurry pictures. He didn’t go through them, barely looked at them at all before stacking them on top of Amber. Then he piled up others, placing the safest one – a picture of some squirrels – on top of the stack. He slid it all the way to the corner of the table, as far away from him as possible.

“These are mine. These are Amber’s,” Noa said, jabbing his finger at both small piles before jerking his whole hand in the direction of the larger stack. “Those are Rion’s.”

“Thank you, Noa,” Dr. Maes began, eyebrows raised. “Is there something wrong with Rion’s pictures?”

“No,” he said, then hesitated. “Yes.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“…He wasn’t supposed to take some of them. They were an accident.”

“An accident? What happened?”

“The camera went off when it wasn’t supposed to.”

“That happens sometimes. What were you doing when it went off?”

Noa glared at her. He didn’t want to answer, couldn’t answer. Because they had been carrying Amber’s body. He couldn’t admit to killing her. He couldn’t admit that Rion…

Rion…

“It went off when it wasn’t supposed to,” Noa said again. “I hate these pictures. I don’t want to look at them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.”

“Why do you hate them?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Because they’re from the day Amber died! I don’t want to remember that!” he snapped. “Who would? That’s a stupid question! Why would you even ask!”

He was worked up, already shaking and so, so angry. He wanted to hit something but instead, he grabbed his knees, gripping himself until his nails were biting at him through his hospital gown.

“Okay, Noa,” Dr. Maes said. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can stop.”

“No, we can’t,” Noa said through gritted teeth. “We can’t. Because otherwise you won’t let me see Rion. I have to look at these pictures and talk to you. Because I’m never going to want to look at them. I hate them so much.”

“I think you’re misunderstanding me,” Dr. Maes said. “Talking about these pictures isn’t going to get you a visit with Rion. It’s more important for you to work through some of your feelings. I can tell that you’re very upset right now. That’s okay. But we need to address it.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” Noa said.

“That’s why I’m here,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m not your enemy, Noa. I’m here to help you.”

“You can’t,” Noa said.

“I can try,” she said. “If you aren’t ready to look at these pictures, then you aren’t ready. Maybe you’ll never be ready. That’s okay too.”

“What if I’m never not angry?” he asked her. “What then?”

“The funny thing about feelings is that they come and go all the time,” Dr. Maes told him. “It might feel like you’ll be angry forever. But you won’t be. Can you tell me why you’re mad?”

“I…” Noa started and then he was lost again.

Why was he angry?

It wasn’t something that he could easily answer. There was more than one reason.

He was mad at being in the hospital. He was mad that he had to look at these old pictures again. He was mad that Murphys tried to visit. He was mad that he told them to go away. He was mad that he made mean art about Gary and he was mad the nurse didn’t get upset at him for it.

But most of all…

“I’m mad at myself,” Noa said, scrunching his eyes shut. “I’m mad that I make the same mistakes over and over. I’m mad that I hurt Rion. I’m mad that Amber’s dead.”

“I can understand why you would feel that way.”

“Can you?” Noa said, opening his eyes to glare at her. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said. “I think you blame yourself for everything that’s ever gone wrong. And that makes you mad. Am I right?”

“Kind of…” he grumbled, reluctant to admit that she might be right. “But I’m not just blaming myself. These things really are my fault.”

“That’s what you think,” Dr. Maes said. “And maybe you’re right. Maybe some things are your fault. So do you want to be mad about it? Or do you want to do something about it?”

Noa stared at her, not understanding.

“Do something?” he said.

“You say things are your fault,” Dr. Maes said. “So what are you going to do? You can choose to be angry or you can reflect on what happened and what went wrong. You can come with a plan so that you can avoid making the same mistake again. That’s what you want, right? Or am I wrong?”

Noa stared at her for even longer, his lips parting. He’d been so angry and frustrated. He hadn’t even thought about trying to make things better or…

“You think I could stop it?” Noa said. “But…but things always go wrong…”

“You are in control of your own actions, Noa,” Dr. Maes said. “You say it’s your fault and that you’ve done something wrong. If your actions are the problem, that’s what has to change. Right?”

“I… I guess,” he said. “But sometimes… I don’t mean for things to go wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt Rion, but he got all cut up anyway. He… I didn’t want to cut his arm open.”

“I think we talked a little about this before,” Dr. Maes said. “What happened with you and Rion was an accident. Also, you can’t control other people and their actions. You chose to pick up that shard of glass and Rion chose to try and wrestle it away from you. Even if you want to blame yourself for picking up the glass in the first place, or breaking the glasses, rather than being mad or upset, why don’t you consider what made you do that in the first place.”

“I was upset.”

“Okay. Then why don’t we think of different things you can do when you’re upset.”

“Different… But I… I wasn’t thinking. I reacted. And then I was even more upset because of what I did and it just got worse and worse and worse…”

“Then why don’t we try and come up with ways to identify your feelings before you get so upset that you react and spiral? Then you can calm yourself before things go too far.”

“Is that even possible?” Noa asked, doubtful. “That sounds made up.”

“It’s hard to do, but it is possible,” Dr. Maes told him. “It takes a lot of work and practice. But isn’t it worth it to try? Wouldn’t that make you feel better if you had more control?”

“Maybe…” he said, but his eyes fell to the pictures again. “But it won’t bring Amber back.”

“Nothing will bring Amber back.”

“And I can’t fix any of my other mistakes.”

“No, but you can apologize for them.”

“Apologies don’t mean anything,” Noa said. “They don’t fix anything. They don’t make it better.”

“Noa, there’s only so much any one person can do,” Dr. Maes said. “Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is sorry for something. That’s part of life.”

“But… I don’t know,” he said, closing his eyes. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

Because he wanted to make things better. He wanted to make things right. But he couldn’t.

He killed Amber. Saying sorry wouldn’t do anything. It was meaningless. Because Amber’s life was worth so much more than that. She was dead and she wasn’t coming back. He was a murderer. He ruined people’s lives…

Nothing could fix it. Nothing could make it better.

Noa couldn’t explain it.

“I don’t want to talk anymore,” he finally said. “I’m done. I don’t want to. I can’t.”

Chapter 63 – Rion

Saturday, June 16, 2001

Rion sat on the back steps, staring out at nothing. It was already dark out, the sun set, the light from above the door collecting bugs as it illuminated the grass of the empty yard. Rion could barely register anything. His mind was racing.

Gay.

He was gay.

At least, he thought so? Maybe… Maybe he just never met a girl that he liked or… Maybe he just had a bad impression of girls because Sarina was always being mean to him at school…

But he liked guys…

Rion scrubbed at his face, feeling scared and nauseous just thinking about it. It made his insides knot up. How was he supposed to deal with this?

He wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t been online, downloading stuff. Rion stumbled across porn accidentally all the time – almost as much as there were files that set off the antivirus software on his dad’s computer. There were loads of files mislabelled as shows or games. Normally, he found porn gross and deleted it the second he knew what it was. He didn’t want his dad coming across it either. He would get in trouble for sure if he was caught with anything like that.

But today, this time, the video he opened… Instead of a woman splayed out on the screen, it was two men.

Rion couldn’t look away. He’d been frozen, stunned, his mind having never considered the possibility of two guys being together. Even though he’d seen more than enough clips with multiple girls… This was totally, completely different.

He’d sat through the whole video and hit replay…

And watching it a second time, he realized he wasn’t grossed out. He was nervous, fascinated, excited, and so embarrassingly turned on–

Rion shut it off immediately. He’d deleted the video, had an ice-cold shower, changed into pajamas, and came out to sit on the back step, shivering. He’d been stuck like that for ages. That video clip was all he could think about.

He was gay. He had to be, right? Normal guys didn’t get turned on by guys…doing stuff with each other.

It freaked Rion out. Being gay was a bad thing, right? It wasn’t even close to normal. What would people think if they found out? Gossip was the fastest moving thing in Misty Meadows and if anyone knew…

And what about church?

Rion wanted to go to church. It felt right to go to church after everything he’d done. He was, by every possible definition, a sinner. And he hadn’t even been able to go to confession for years, unable to talk about what happened at the cabin, to guilty to admit what he did…

Atonement – that was a thing he needed to do somehow, right? He needed to be sorry. He was sorry. What happened to Amber was on him. He needed to seek forgiveness.

But was being gay a sin? Some people said it was. Did that mean he was fundamentally a bad person? Was he all screwed up to begin with? Was it unavoidable? Was it impossible for him to change? Was there no way for him to fix himself?

How was he supposed to know?! He didn’t choose this!

Rion raked his fingers through his hair. He didn’t know what to do or what to think. Guys having sex turned him on and… He had no idea what to do about it. He had no idea what he could do about it.

Rion didn’t think he’d ever been attracted to any guys he knew in real life. But what if he just hadn’t noticed? How was a dumbass like him supposed to know…

And what about Noa?

Was Rion just imagining they were as close as they were? Was he adding something to their friendship that didn’t exist? Did he like Noa that way and he’d just never realized?

Were they ever really friends? Or was some subconscious part of Rion trying to…

To what?

He didn’t even know.

Rion had no idea what to do or who to turn to. He had no idea who to ask. He didn’t have friends or people he could trust or…

There was the Internet. He could look it up. Someone online must know something…

But people lied on there. How could he trust anything that was said?

And what if it really meant that he was evil, bad, and wrong? What if the Internet confirmed his worst fears? What would Rion do if he was just a terrible person? What if he couldn’t be fixed and he was wrong in every possible way?

What was he supposed to do? Should he try to ignore how he felt? Should he try and pretend to like girls? Could he pretend enough to make it real?

People already hated him. He didn’t want to give anyone else another reason to hunt him down. Even if it meant he was fundamentally evil…

Rion wanted to cry. He held his tears back, eyes burning.

He didn’t want any of this. He didn’t want another reason to hate himself and he didn’t want to be confused. He was already so tired about feeling horrible about everything he already was. The last thing he needed was one more thing. He couldn’t take it.

Why couldn’t he be normal and like girls? Why did something like this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t he be normal? Why couldn’t it be easy and simple–

Rion was startled by the sound of his dad’s car pulling up at the front of the house. He recognized the familiar rumble and crunch of tires instantly. Springing to his feet, thoughts scattered, he darted back into the house through the back door. He barely had time to lock it behind him.

Rion flung himself onto the living room couch, clawing at the TV remote. He turned on the TV, flipping to the Space channel.

He made it just in time. His dad came in through the front door as he set the remote down on the coffee table.

“Hey!” Rion called, slightly breathless. His heart felt like it was clenched painfully tight in his chest. “Welcome home, Dad!”

“Oh, Rion. You’re still up?” ad asked, kicking off his shoes in the entranceway.

“It’s only…eleven,” Rion said, glancing up at the clock.

His dad stepped into the living room and glanced at the TV. “Wrath of Khan?”

Rion glanced back at the screen to double check he was right before turning back around to face his father again.

“It’s a great one,” he said, forcing a smile.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Dad said.

“Okay. Sure thing. I was just going to finish this,” Rion said.

“Okay. As long as you’re in bed by midnight.”

“Sure. No problem.”

Rion sank into the seat. He didn’t care about watching TV and he knew he would be up super late no matter what. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He was bound to lay in bed tonight, staring at the darkened ceiling, alone with his racing thoughts.

He watched his dad cross the room and head into the kitchen. He was gone for a bit and came back with a glass of water. He sat in his chair, stretching out and sighing. It must have been a long day at work. His tie was loose and askew.

Rion’s brain felt like it was melting. He needed to talk to someone, but there was no one he could talk to. Noa didn’t want to see him and everyone else hated him.

Rion didn’t want to tell his dad he was gay. He couldn’t. But maybe… If he was careful, he could talk about it. Right?

He could ask without making it about himself. His dad was tired from work. He would probably forget he even said anything by tomorrow.

“Hey, Dad?” Rion said. “Is there, um… Is there anything wrong with gay people?”

“What?” his dad said, opening his eyes and raising his head. “Gay people?”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Uh… I know that’s a weird question, but… I have this friend. And he thinks he might be gay. I was just… I was thinking about it.”

“A friend? Danny?”

Rion almost did a double take. He was caught completely off guard.

“What? No,” Rion said. “Danny moved away anyway so I don’t see him anymore…”

“You still phone him, don’t you?” his dad said.

Rion was pretty sure that he hadn’t talked to Danny in a couple years. They called each other for a while, but Rion missed one of his calls, and then…then he felt weird answering or calling back. They both stopped calling each other and Rion hadn’t heard from him since.

“I guess,” Rion said. “But I’m not talking about Danny.”

“Oh. Well, fine,” his dad said. “What was the question again?”

“Is it wrong to be gay?”

“Hm… No. I don’t think so.”

Rion was almost relieved, but he didn’t want to get too excited. Did his dad really mean that? Was it okay? For sure?

“So…it’s not a sin?” Rion asked.

“That’s…a more difficult question,” Dad said. “Your mother knew a lot more about that kind of thing. I don’t think it is? Being gay… That’s just how some people are. If I remember right, I think with the church it has to do more with your relationships outside of marriage…”

He hesitated, looking uncomfortable.

“Is your friend worried about that?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “I guess I am too, kind of… I mean, on his behalf.”

“Well, think of it this way. God made some people gay. So it doesn’t make sense for it to be a sin,” his dad said. “I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about. I’ve known gay people. They’re normal people, the same as anyone else.”

“You know gay people?” Rion said, blinking.

He had never heard that before. Who was his dad talking about? What?

“We’re out of touch now, but before I dropped out of university, I was friends with a lesbian,” his dad said. “I met your mother through her. Her girlfriend was friends with Dawn and the three of them waitressed together at the same bar... Have I not told you this story before?”

“No,” Rion said. He felt lost. “I mean, you said that you met Mom through a friend who worked as a waitress with Mom, but…”

“Maybe I’ve gotten too used to telling the sanitized version,” Dad mused. “Dawn’s parents are very…fundamentalist. That’s why we hardly ever visit your grandparents on your mom’s side. They’re very opinionated. That’s why your mother moved out as soon as she could. She didn’t share their views.”

“Oh,” Rion said.

He wanted to ask more. They hardly ever talked about Rion’s mom. But he could tell that his dad was already getting that distant look in his eye.

Whenever his dad talked about his mom, it wasn’t long before he went really quiet with this serious look on his face. And then he’d get sad and go somewhere to be alone, by himself. Usually, Rion’s dad would cry and try to hide it, and…

Rion felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to bring up his mom. But at least he knew his parents were okay with people being gay. That was something. That was… It made it a little easier. Maybe it would be safe to tell his dad?

Not now. Rion couldn’t tell him any time soon. It was too scary. And then Rion would have to explain how he knew and he was pretty sure he’d get in really big trouble if his dad found out he’d watched some gay porn. Even if he hadn’t meant to.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Rion announced. His chest still felt tight and he didn’t think he would get any sleep tonight. “I think I’m done with Wrath of Khan. Um… Good night, Dad.”

“Oh. Okay. Good night,” he said. “Hey, tell your friend not to worry about it too much.”

“What?” Rion said, wondering what friend he was talking about. Then he remembered, his face growing hot. “Oh! Yeah, of course! Thanks.”

Chapter 64 – Rion

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Even though his conversation with Dr. Maes was an emotional roller-coaster and dampened his visit with the Murphys and his dad, Rion felt a little better.

Talking about Amber was hard and hadn’t done him any good. Even thinking about her made him uncomfortable. But being able to tell Dr. Maes that he thought he was gay? The fact that she didn’t judge him and they’d just…talked about it? Like it was the most normal thing in the world? That was really nice.

Rion was afraid that people wouldn’t accept him or would treat him differently. But Dr. Maes didn’t even bat an eye. It didn’t bother her at all. She made him feel like a normal person. It was a relief and he latched onto it.

He hoped that he could find other people that felt that way, other people who were safe to confide in. Rion wasn’t sure how to find those people, but…there had to be a way, right? He’d lurked around on the Internet but what he’d mostly found porn or adults talking between themselves. And Rion wasn’t comfortable delving too deep into it on his own.

Maybe he should look into it more. Maybe he’d ask Dr. Maes if she had any resources or…whatever.

Maybe he should tell Noa…

Rion was sure that Noa would accept him. They were best friends. Noa knew about Amber and that…that was way worse than being gay. That was… It wasn’t even remotely comparable. And Noa accepted him despite that, so…

Rion was sure that Noa wouldn’t care that he was gay. He was sure it wouldn’t bother him.

But what if it made things weird? What if Noa thought that meant Rion liked him or had a crush on him or something? What if he wasn’t comfortable with it? What if it changed their relationship?

Rion couldn’t handle that right now. He needed to know that Noa was his best friend. He didn’t want to mess things up or make Noa uncomfortable. He liked how things were between them.

Kind of. Sort of.

It wasn’t okay about what happened to Amber. None of that would ever be okay.

What happened six years ago was probably doing enough damage to their relationship. Rion couldn’t add anything else on top of that. Not right now. Not while they were in the hospital and Noa had threatened to hurt himself.

And it wasn’t like he needed to say anything. Dr. Maes was right about that. If it didn’t change anything, maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he could tell Noa when he started dating someone. If he ever started dating someone.

Honestly, there wasn’t anyone he was into. And he was sure that the only guys he knew were straight anyway.

He gave up on thinking about it because it was giving him a headache.

Shortly after lunch, Peter, Danny, Jesse, and Celeste came to visit him, along with his dad. He was surprised to see them all together. His dad had been coming on his own.

“Hi,” Rion greeted them, sitting up straighter.

“Hi, Rion,” Danny said.

“Your dad brought you some stuff from home,” Peter added.

“Peter suggested it and I figured I would grab a few things,” Dad said. “We don’t know when you’re coming home, so…”

Rion nodded, glancing between them. “Oh. Yeah. Cool. What did you bring?”

His dad had a full looking bag with him. He started to pull things out, starting with a small, ivory-white box.

“I thought you might like to have your mom’s rosary,” he said. “It was on your bedside table.”

“Oh, Dad… Thanks,” Rion said, taking it right away and holding it close. He almost felt like he could cry. “I… Thank you. Really.”

“There’s a few more things,” his dad added. “I found your Game Boy and your games. And that old comic you did with Noa was in your room.”

His dad had brought his SP and some games. That would give Rion something to do if he got bored.

He was surprised to see the comic. He hadn’t finished reading Noa’s additions yet. He was still going over the old stuff and it left him with a painful sense of nostalgia. There were parts that were hard to reread.

“Um… I also have something for you,” Celeste said.

She had a box of chocolates in her hand. She passed them over to Rion. He was pleasantly surprised. They looked like the really good, expensive kind.

“Thanks, Celeste,” he said.

“They’re not actually from me,” Celeste said. Her expression was sheepish. “She told me not to tell you, but…they’re from Sarina.”

Rion immediately set the box aside on the bedside table, along with his mom’s rosary.

“Okay. Cool, I guess,” he said, feeling gross about it. He didn’t want anything from Sarina.

“I told her what happened. She was really sorry that you got hurt trying to protect Noa,” Celeste said.

“I figured it was something like that,” Rion said. “That was…nice of her.”

He only said it to be polite. He wondered if there would be any chocolates inside the box. It wouldn’t surprise Rion if Sarina ate half of them. Or maybe they were poisoned or something. He didn’t think she’d try to kill him, but it wouldn’t be a shock if she snuck Play-Doh in the chocolate wrappers. He didn’t trust her.

“There’s something else too,” Danny added with a grin. “Peter’s a genius. He’s the one who thought of it.”

“What?” Rion said, looking between them. He was happy for a distraction from Sarina. “What is it?”

“Your dad has it,” Celeste said, “in his pocket.”

“Here,” Dad said, reaching into his jacket.

He pulled out Rion’s friendship bracelet.

Rion stared, leaning back.

Why was that here? Why did they bring that? Why…?

“I thought it would be a good idea if you had your friendship bracelet back,” Peter said.

“You can wear it again like the rest of us,” Danny added.

“It’s a great idea,” Celeste said. “Right?”

Rion stared at them. They didn’t get it. They didn’t understand.

Rion chose to stop wearing his bracelet. That’s why Sarina had mistaken Noa’s for his – because he hadn’t been wearing a bracelet at the time. He didn’t feel comfortable with it around his wrist. It was like wearing a weight, a shackle.

He’d killed Amber. How could he wear the bracelet she made for him?

Noa was right about that part. Rion understood now, better than ever, why Noa wanted to keep his bracelet far away from him. He knew what it was like. He…

He couldn’t do it.

“…Thanks,” Rion said.

He took it from his dad, but he didn’t put it on. He let his hands drop to his lap, bracelet pinched between his fingers.

This bracelet was supposed to stay in his room, under his pillow. He only wanted to look at it to remember, as a reminder. It wasn’t supposed to be here. It was so wrong…

“I’m going to be right back,” his dad said. “I’ll grab coffee. What do you kids want?”

They began going back and forth, deciding what they wanted. Rion mumbled something about hot chocolate when asked but he couldn’t have cared less. He wanted to curl up in a ball and hide.

When his dad left, he glanced up and watched everyone else get comfortable and pull up chairs. The only person who seemed to be on the same page as Rion was Jesse. He was quiet the whole time, hovering behind the others.

Rion couldn’t blame him. He understood. After last time…

“Why don’t you put your bracelet on,” Danny said. “You want help with it?”

“No,” Rion said. But he didn’t make a move to put it on. “Thanks.”

“Are you sure?” Peter said.

“You don’t have to worry about wearing it. We know the truth,” Celeste said. “You don’t need to hide it anymore. It’s okay.”

But Rion wanted to. He wanted to hide it.

Noa had the right idea. He should cut it up into the little pieces and….and…

He couldn’t though. Not just because he didn’t have a knife or scissors. Amber made this. It was meant for him. It was special.

What Rion had done to her…

“I… Thanks, guys. I’ll just… I’ll keep it with Mom’s rosary,” he said.

“Huh? How come?” Danny said. “Don’t you want to wear it?”

“I don’t know,” Rion said.

He couldn’t explain it to them. They wouldn’t understand. He twisted the bracelet gently between his fingers.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to,” Peter said. He was frowning though. “I thought it would make you happy. You must feel left out since the rest of us wear our bracelets all the time.”

“Noa can’t wear his,” Rion said.

There was a pause as his words sunk in. Rion wondered if they would let it go and drop it. He hoped so. He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“That’s true…” Danny began.

“I could make him another one,” Celeste said.

Everyone turned to look at her. Celeste squirmed at the attention, but she kept speaking.

“I mean, it won’t be the same as his old one, even if I copy the pattern. But I still remember how to make them. I think I have everything I need at home. I do a lot of crating. I could… It wouldn’t be too hard.”

“That’s perfect!” Danny said and turned to grin at Rion. “There you go, Rion! Noa can have a new bracelet! It doesn’t matter if it’s not the same one, right? What matters is that we’re all still friends and we’re back together again!”

“That’s right,” Peter said. “Celeste, that’s a great idea.”

But Rion disagreed.

He knew that if he was in Noa’s shoes and Celeste made him a new bracelet, he wouldn’t be able to wear it. Because they weren’t really friends anymore. It was a lie. All of it.

It wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to be okay.

“It’s okay, Rion,” Danny said. “You can wear your bracelet and we’ll make one for Noa. Then everything will be fine and we–”

“No,” Rion said.

He couldn’t pretend. He couldn’t lie. He couldn’t put on his bracelet and smile, knowing that everything would fall apart the second they tried to give Noa a new one. He couldn’t go through with it.

“What?” Danny said.

“I can’t wear my bracelet,” Rion said. “I can’t do it. I… No.”

“Why?” Peter asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I can’t…” Rion said. Then he raised the bracelet, holding it out for one of them to take. “Please, take it back. I don’t want it. I can’t wear it. I… I can’t. Please…”

“I understand that it’s hard because of Amber…but we’re your friends, aren’t we?”

Jesse had finally spoken up. His expression was pained, hurt. And it made Rion feel even worse.

“I don’t know,” Rion answered honestly.

“Of course we’re friends!” Danny said. “We all really care about you!”

“That’s…not the point,” Rion said. “I believe you care. I don’t think you’d be here if you didn’t…”

He still had his hand outstretched, the bracelet pinched between his fingers. He wished someone would take it from him.

“Then what’s wrong?” Peter asked. “What… Why don’t you know if we’re friends?”

Because it was a lie.

It wasn’t real. The truth was buried.

None of them knew what kind of monster he was. None of them knew what he’d done to Amber. They weren’t friends and they were never going to be friends as long as they didn’t know the truth.

“Is it because of Sarina?” Celeste asked. “Is it because we…we stopped talking to you for so long? I’m really sorry, Rion. If you’re mad, I understand…”

“I’m not mad,” Rion said, lowering his head, arm still outstretched. It was starting to hurt. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Peter said. “I know I could have, and should have, done more.”

“Yeah. Like how I should have stayed in contact with you,” Danny said. “We all made mistakes. And if you’re upset with us, that’s okay. We get it.”

“You don’t,” Rion said, shaking his head. “Everything you did was right. You’re all really good people. But I’m not. I… I’m not your friend. I can’t be your friend. I’m the problem.”

“But… No. Why?” Danny said.

“I don’t understand,” Celeste added. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Rion.”

“If you aren’t ready…” Peter said. “Is this too much? Are we overwhelming you? Is that the problem?”

“Oh! Yeah, if this is just too much, we can come back later,” Danny said.

“Take the bracelet,” Rion said.

His arm was aching, starting to shake. His head was dipped low, shoulders painfully tense.

It hurt.

“Why don’t you put it with your mom’s rosary,” Danny said. “Isn’t that what you were going to do?”

“I don’t want it.”

“You should still keep it,” Celeste said. “You could put it in your nightstand or–”

“Would somebody please just take this fucking bracelet and get it out of my sight?” Rion snapped.

They were silent again, probably shocked. Rion didn’t look up to find out. He grimaced, gritting his teeth, hating every second of this.

“Rion,” Peter finally said. “We just–”

“I don’t want it!” Rion snapped. “Get it away from me!”

Since no one was going to take it, Rion flung the bracelet. He aimed for the general direction of the garbage can, but he barely had the strength to throw it. Instead, he ended up tossing it at Danny, who flailed and scrambled to catch it as it landed in his lap.

“I don’t want it!” Rion repeated. He wasn’t quite yelling, but his voice was raised, throat painfully tight. “Don’t bring it anywhere near me!”

“Whoa! Okay,” Peter said, holding up his hands. “We can take it for you–”

“Noa had the right idea all along!” Rion kept on going. “I should have… It…it belongs as far away from me as possible!”

“What are you saying?” Celeste said.

“Yeah,” Danny added. “I don’t get it. Why–?”

“Of course you don’t get it! None of you understand anything!” Rion said. “You have no idea!”

“If you’re about to say that we don’t understand how you feel or what you’re going through, you’re wrong,” Jesse spoke up. “Is that what this is about?”

“No!” Rion said, exasperated, desperate. “No, that’s not–!”

“Because we all loved Amber,” Jesse cut him off. “And we’re all devastated. And I know it’s different for you because you were there, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are any less hurt–”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Rion cut him off. “I know you’re hurt! That’s not what I’m talking about!”

“Then explain yourself,” Jesse said.

“That’s right,” Peter said. “Tell us what’s going on, Rion. Explain it.”

“I can’t,” Rion said, scrunching his eyes shut painfully tight. “I can’t do it. Noa… I… I can’t say it…”

He’d already said more than he should. He needed to stop. He needed to shut up.

But Rion had been by himself for so long, alone in his thoughts. He felt ready to burst. It was so hard keeping everything bottled up inside and having no one to talk to. He didn’t have Noa anymore. He was so alone…

“Noa…” Peter repeated and then he leaned in. He put his hands on the edge of the bed. Rion peeked up at the movement. “Listen to me. If this has something to do with Noa… There’s nothing you can say that will change our minds about him. We love him.”

Peter was wrong. They would all hate him.

Rion shook his head.

“Yeah,” Danny added. “We care about Noa as much as you do. There’s nothing you can say that will change that.”

“You’re wrong,” Rion said.

“Are you sure?” Celeste asked. “Won’t you at least try to explain?”

Rion felt like he was going to be physically sick. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take this back and forth anymore. It was driving him wild. He felt cornered, trapped. He couldn’t get away. He couldn’t even stand up and leave his bed.

They thought they were being supportive, but they weren’t. They were tearing away at him. It burned away at his insides, made him feel raw and exposed.

Maybe…

What would happen if he did tell them the truth?

They would hate him. Rion knew that. He would lose them all over again.

But then, he’d never really had them to begin with…

It was an illusion. It was a dream of happiness, acceptance, and peace. He didn’t want to tell them because part of him wanted to pretend that everything really could be okay, even though it never, ever would be.

Rion wanted them to think of him as a friend, even if it wasn’t true.

He didn’t want to be despised.

“It’s a lie,” Rion croaked out, putting his face in his hands, trying to hide.

“What’s a lie?” Peter asked.

“Everything,” Rion said. His eyes were burning as he fought back tears. “It’s all fake. It’s not real.”

“That… You think we’re faking it?” Danny said, hurt. “You think we’re faking being your friends?”

“No,” Rion said. “No, you… You’re not getting it. You don’t know the truth. You don’t… You don’t know what happened to Amber. And that’s…that’s why we can never really be friends.”

This time, the silence was long and heavy. Rion’s breath was hot and moist against his palms. The need to cry, that sick feeling in his gut had subsided. But it was replaced by mind-numbing anxiety. The blood was pounding in his ears. He was sweating, terrified.

He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have brought it up. He shouldn’t…

“Do you think you could tell us what happened?” Peter asked. “To Amber?”

“I…” Rion began but the words stuck in his throat.

“Rion.”

It was Jesse. Rion peaked up at him through his fingers.

Jesse looked like he was hurting as much as Rion was. His expression was pained, agonized, determined…

“Please…” Jesse said. “Please tell me. If there’s something…something you know but haven’t said… Please. I want to know what happened.”

Something inside Rion broke.

If anyone deserved an explanation it was Jesse.

Jesse loved Amber. They were so close – a perfect couple. They were so happy together. They loved each other.

Rion didn’t know what that was like. He didn’t know what it was like to have a girlfriend…or a boyfriend. He didn’t know what it was like to love someone, be with them, and be happy – together.

But Rion knew what it was like having a best friend.

He had Noa. They loved and trusted each other. It was an unbreakable bond.

That was something he understood. It was his only comparison for the relationship Jesse and Amber shared. And…

If something happened to Noa, Rion would want to know. He would desperately want to know what happened. He would deserve to know.

Jesse deserved to know.

“On the walk, we took the trail that went behind the cabin,” Rion said, looking down, dropping his hands into his lap. The words came easy, spilling out. He didn’t even need to try. “Amber… She was with us. We were up behind the cabin. You remember that really steep slope that…? It was almost a straight shot down. Amber…slipped. She lost her balance and fell backwards.”

Rion tried not to think about it too much as he explained. He tried not to remember the panicked look on Amber’s face. Or her flailing arms as she tried to regain her balance. Or the strangled yelp as she slid back on her heel over the edge…

She slipped.

She did. She slipped.

Noa tried to get his arm free from her. But he didn’t push Amber or shove her. Not that hard, anyway. Not hard enough to make her fall. She lost her balance.

It was an accident. She slipped.

That’s all they needed to know.

“She...she fell. Noa and I lost sight of her. We had to climb down the slope–”

“Whoa, wait–!” Danny began.

“Stop,” Peter said to him softly. “Just let Rion… Just wait.”

Rion took a breath. He barely noticed the interruption. He was too focused.

“Amber… We found her at the bottom of the slope behind the cabin. She was lying on the ground. She… We thought she was unconscious. Noa and I… We carried her inside. We got her into the cabin and laid her down. That’s when we noticed the blood. She was… Her head…”

Hot. Sticky. Wet.

On Noa’s jacket. In Amber’s hair.

On Rion’s hands.

“We were scared,” Rion said, his voice cracking with emotion. “We didn’t… She was… Her… She must have hit her head when she fell. She wasn’t moving. We were crying and freaking out, and…and Noa…”

Noa kept blaming himself. He kept saying Amber was dead, that he killed her.

He didn’t. Amber slipped.

Rion let himself believe she was dead. He’d believed it and he’d been scared.

Rion fisted his good hand in the front of his hospital gown, over his heart. It hurt. It still hurt just thinking about it. His whole chest ached. He closed his eyes, breathing raggedly.

“I needed to fix it,” he said with the same certainty he’d felt back then. “I needed to fix it and make it better. I needed to… I’m older than Noa. I had to be… I had to… Everyone was going to come the next day, and Amber was… I couldn’t… I had to do something. I… I had to make it look like an accident…”

He hated himself now as much as he had then for thinking it. He hated how it still made sense to him, even though he knew it was the worst thing he could ever do.

And maybe it was the right decision, in the end. Because he was confessing to others now and there was no way – no way – any of them could ever blame Noa or think he’d done anything wrong. Because Rion was worse.

He was evil and disgusting.

He was vile.

“I had to…had to take Amber to the bathroom myself,” Rion said.

He struggled with the words. His face was hot, wet, the tears coming now. He couldn’t stop them. There was no way. Not when he remembered what he’d done, how he felt. He was shaking, trembling all over.

“I put her in the bathtub,” he said, choking back a sob. “It was so hard. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t… I… Even though…even though I thought she was… I was sure she was already dead. I fille the tub with water and got her blow dryer from under the sink…”

He choked back another sob, remembering the feeling of it in his hands. He remembered the sound of it roaring to life, the vibrations against his palms. He remembered staring at Amber’s body in the tub, holding the blow dryer.

“Th-the blow dryer… I… I plugged it in and it… I… It… I dropped it. I dropped in the bathtub. I… I killed Amber.”

Rion knew he’d killed her. He was sure.

Because when the blow dryer dropped into the tub…

There had been a bright flash and the scream of electricity had been deafening. The socket next to him flashed and sparked, crackling like it was alive. And through all the sound and lights…

Amber moved in the tub.

She thrashed! He’d seen it! Her whole body had jerked all at once!

That meant she’d been alive, right? That meant she felt it, right? That meant that when he dropped the blow dryer, she’d still been…

He’d done it. It was him. It was Rion.

He’d killed Amber.

“I killed her,” Rion said again. “I killed her. It’s all my fault and I’m so, so, so, so sorry! I can’t be sorry enough! I… I didn’t know! I didn’t mean to! I thought… I thought she was… I just wanted to… I wanted to fix it…”

He didn’t have enough words to explain and even if he did, his sobs overcame him. He hugged himself, lurching over, crying and hating himself. It hurt to think and it hurt to feel. Everything hurt.

Nothing happened for the longest time. It was just Rion, leaning over, half curled in on himself, crying miserably, shaking and sobbing.

He waited. Waited for them to get angry and yell or… Rion didn’t even know what. He didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know how they would take it.

But… There was a tiny pinprick of relief. Because he’d told the truth. He’d said it. And now everyone knew the truth.

The dream of friendship was gone, shattered, lost.

He never deserved it in the first place.

Rion flinched when a warm had descended on his shoulder. He choked on his own breath, not expecting anything that gentle…

“Rion…look at me.”

It was Peter. That was Peter’s voice.

Rion didn’t want to look up. He didn’t want to see their expressions. He wanted to disappear. But Peter sounded so calm and so… He didn’t sound upset.

Slowly, hesitantly, Rion peeked up at him. He could barely make Peter out through his tears, blinking several times to clear his vision, breathing raggedly, hiccupping.

Peter looked upset and hurt. Rion expected that. But there was something else in his expression that was different. He struggled to understand the way Peter was looking at him. Was it…

…Pity?

“Rion, I know you want to protect Noa,” Peter said. “I know that’s what you’ve been doing for years. But you don’t need to lie anymore.”

Lie?

Rion stared at him, uncomprehending.

Next to him, Danny was wide-eyed and pale. But when Peter spoke, he moved, nodding his head, slowly at first but then with more vigour.

“That… Yeah. Holy shit,” Danny said. “Holy shit, what was that? Rion, that…that’s crazy…”

“You’re a really loyal friend, but you can tell us the truth,” Peter said. “We aren’t going to let you push us away like that. We know you’d never do anything that horrible to anyone. Okay? Whatever you think you’re protecting Noa from… It can’t be so bad that you need to make up a story like this.”

Peter spared Celeste and Jesse a meaningful look and Rion followed his gaze.

Celeste looked horrified, a hand pressed to her mouth, eyes as round as Danny’s, shining with tears. Jesse, on the other hand, was still and pale. His expression was impossible to read, hard and stiff, jaw clenched.

Did all of them… Did they not believe him?

“I’m not lying,” Rion croaked.

“You’ve been lying this whole time,” Peter said. “You lied about the bracelets, and you begged us not to tell Sarina when we found out the truth. You’ve lied repeatedly about being okay, no matter how cut up and bruised you are. You pretended you were an asshole just to keep us away. You’ve probably been lying about even more stuff that we don’t even know about because…because for some reason, you think it’s helping Noa.”

“That… That’s right,” Danny said, relief evident in his voice. “Yeah. That’s…”

“You mentioned Noa right before you came up with this crazy story,” Peter said. “I know you want to protect him, but… You’re trying to deflect by hurting us, by saying the worst possible thing you can. But you don’t have to. You can tell us the truth.”

“I did,” Rion said faintly. “I… I just…”

They didn’t believe him. They thought he was lying. They…

Rion put his face in his hands again. The tears were coming back. He could feel them.

His mouth twisted into an unhappy grin at the ridiculousness of it. A disbelieving laugh bubbled out of him. It was harsh and bitter and then it wouldn’t stop.

This was so much worse than having them hate him. This was…

This…

This!

His laughter peaked and cracked, turning back into fresh sobs.

He told them the truth and they called him a liar.

They didn’t believe him.

Chapter 65 – Jesse

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Rion wouldn’t stop crying, not even after his dad came back with drinks. He broke down completely, becoming an incoherent mess. They didn’t stay for much longer, guiltily taking their coffees before seeing themselves out.

If Jesse didn’t feel like exploding, he would’ve felt bad for Mr. Blum.

His heart was racing in his chest, his thoughts running wild. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Rion said. He couldn’t stop imagining it.

It was horrific.

Jesse was glad to be gone. He was relieved to be out of that room. He couldn’t say anything else to Rion. Jesse was too upset to speak to him without yelling or breaking down crying or both.

They left the room, headed down the hall, making for the elevator. It was a long quiet walk, none of them saying anything, letting what Rion told them sink in.

“Should we… Should we head down and sit for a bit?” Danny said, finally breaking the silence as they reached the elevator.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Peter said.

Jesse wasn’t sure he agreed. But he did feel like he had a lot to say to someone, so for now he went along with it. He wasn’t ready to start talking. Once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

They went down to the main floor and found themselves a secluded table. The second they were seated, barely comfortable, Jesse spoke.

“Why would Rion say that?”

“He thinks he’s protecting Noa,” Peter said.

“No. You’re not listening,” Jesse said. “Why would he say that? What’s wrong with him? Why would he–?”

“Because he’s saying the worst thing he possibly can,” Peter said. “He’s trying to push us away. He wants to hurt us.”

“Mission accomplished!” Jesse said, throwing up his hands. “How are you just sitting there, not caring? Didn’t you hear what he said?”

“I did,” Celeste said softly. Her gaze was turned down to the tabletop, her shoulders hunched. She looked about as miserable as Jesse felt. “It’s… It’s too horrible to be true.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Yeah, that whole story was so messed up! Where’d he even come up with that?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Peter said. “It’s a lie.”

“How do you know?” Jesse asked. “How can you be sure?”

He didn’t want it to be true. It was too awful, worse than anything Jesse could have imagined. And now it was all he could think of, too real and vivid in his mind. He could see Amber slipping and falling, and then…

How could Rion say he did something so horrible?! Why?!

“None of it makes any sense,” Peter said. “Think about it, Jesse. What is Rion afraid of?”

“Afraid…? What?”

“What happened to his mom?”

“His… Oh…” Jesse said as the realization sunk in. “Storms… Rion can’t handle…”

“He’s terrified of thunder and lightning,” Peter said. “And Noa’s afraid of bathtubs and drowning. Do you get it? There’s a twisted logic to his story. He tried to think of the worst possible thing and combined his own fears with Noa’s. He really wants us to hate him.”

“But I don’t know what Noa could have done to make him say something like that,” Danny said. He was turning his coffee cup around in circles on the table. “It’s crazy. I don’t… It’s so messed up.”

“It’s too messed up,” Jesse said. “I don’t understand. How can he… I can’t think of anything worse than that. I can’t… Why would he try to hurt us like that?”

“He’s stuck in a pattern,” Peter said. “He… Rion’s been alone for six years, trying to protect Noa. He’s a good friend, but this is bordering on dysfunctional. It’s unhealthy, and he… We can’t expect him to suddenly be normal after everything he’s been through.”

Jesse waved a hand as he struggled to find the right words. “But he sounded so…”

Sincere.

Rion sounded sincere.

He’d broken down and cried and it…it made it so real. It was such a horrible story, such a surreal story. And it made the whole thing seem true because of how intense and messed up it was.

It made Jesse nauseous. Was Rion that good of a liar? It didn’t seem possible. And if he wasn’t that good of a liar, that meant he was telling the truth, right? But that couldn’t be the truth, could it?

“Rion didn’t mention the pictures,” Peter said. “That’s why Noa was upset in the first place. Those blurry pictures… Rion didn’t say anything about them. It doesn’t make sense. They must be related to all of this.”

“But… But the pictures could have been an accident,” Celeste said. “I mean…maybe it had to do with something else?”

“But then why did Noa get upset?” Peter said. “And both of them seem to tie those pictures in with Amber, right? Danny, you said something about that didn’t you?”

“I’m pretty sure that when they fought…um… Rion said something about Amber caring about Noa,” Danny said. “I don’t know. It seemed like it was related.”

“Exactly,” Peter said with a nod. “Something else happened. Whatever it is, Noa and those pictures were involved. I’m sure of it. Rion’s just trying to protect him. It makes sense.”

And it did make sense. Jesse wanted to believe Peter. It sounded right.

But he couldn’t ignore the nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hated it. He wished he hadn’t heard anything Rion said today. He was already struggling with the thought of Amber being trapped in the cabin during the fire. Now…

Now he was imagining Amber getting helplessly dragged off to be electrocuted by Rion.

“I feel like I’m going to be sick,” Jesse said, putting his face in his hands.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom?” Danny asked.

“I don’t know,” Jesse said.

He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to know. Why had Rion said something so awful? It didn’t make any sense. It just didn’t.

“I’ll find out what really happened,” Peter said. “My parents know something. I’m going to ask them.”

“What?” Jesse said, looking up. “Your parents…?”

“They know more about what happened to Amber,” Peter said. “I asked about it the other day and Mom got upset so we put the conversation on hold. My parents said… They said something about Amber not suffering and that there was nothing Rion or Noa could have done.”

“They would know the most about what happened,” Celeste said. “I mean, they must have spoken to the police, right?”

Peter nodded. “Yes, they did. They must know the most out of anyone. Besides, I think someone would have mentioned it if Amber… If what Rion said was true, someone would have heard about it.”

“That’s a great point,” Danny chimed in. “There’s no way people wouldn’t have gossiped. The whole town would know.”

Everything they were saying made sense to Jesse. Logically, he knew that they were probably right. The facts all lined up.

But whether it was his personal feelings about Amber or some kind of gut instinct, Jesse wasn’t convinced. And he hated it.

He wished he could accept what they were telling him. He wanted them to be right. He wanted Rion to be a liar. He wanted Amber to have died peacefully.

But why would Rion lie the way he had? Why did he sound so convincing? Why did he cry and cry and cry and…

“Is Rion… Is he really that good of a liar?” Jesse said, turning fully to Peter. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Peter said with equal emphasis, meeting Jesse’s gaze. “This is who Rion is. This is who he’s become. It’s sad, but he can get help now. He told me he’s seeing Dr. Maes and if we support him…”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Yeah, we’ve got to come together, and… We need to be there for each other.”

“But how?” Jesse said. “How can we support him when he doesn’t want us to. He said he electrocuted Amber.”

Peter grimaced. “I know. I know, Jesse. But he’s saying that because it’s the worst thing he can think to say. He wants to hurt us. Do you really think Rion would do something like that to Amber?”

Jesse stared down at his coffee long and hard. Would Rion do that? He didn’t know.

He didn’t know Rion. Maybe he did, once upon a time, when they were kids. But Amber’s death had changed everything. Six years apart had changed everything. And he’d never been that close with Rion to begin with.

“I don’t think Rion would do something like that,” Celeste spoke up. “I don’t think he would… He loved Amber, and… I know that whatever happened must have been hard on him, but I can’t imagine that he would have… He couldn’t have thought doing something so horrible would fix anything.”

“Yeah, that didn’t make sense either,” Danny said. “He said he wanted to fix things. How would doing that to Amber…? That would just make it worse.”

“We’re missing something,” Peter said. “I know we’re missing something.”

“Maybe we are,” Jesse said. “Maybe something’s missing. But… Sorry. I’m sorry, but it’s too hard for me to understand. It hurts, and I can’t… I can’t just ignore what he said. Even if it’s not true.”

“You don’t have to ignore it,” Peter said.

“That’s what it sounds like you’re saying,” Jesse said. “You keep telling me that it can’t be true. And maybe it isn’t. But it’s still a horrible thing to say.”

“It is horrible. You’re right,” Peter said. “Listen, if you need to take some time and go home and just…not visit Rion… That’s okay.”

“I don’t know if that would make it any better,” Jesse sighed, scrubbing at his face. “I don’t know. I don’t feel good. This is all so messed up, and I… I don’t want to think about Amber like this.”

They fell silent. Jesse took the moment to breathe, to try and calm down. It wasn’t helping.

“I’ll ask Noa.”

Jesse looked up at Peter, who downed his coffee and sucked in a breath.

“But you said he didn’t want visitors,” Celeste said.

“Yes, but I’m going to try,” Peter said. “I can do it right now. Other than Rion and my parents, he’s the only other person who knows what happened.”

Jesse felt a small spark of hope, right beneath all of his frustration and pain.

“But do you think he’d tell the truth?” Jesse asked. “Do you think he’d tell you what really happened? He barely talks anymore…”

“I want to try,” Peter said, getting up. “I’ll go right now. If he’ll see me, I’ll come back with an answer. If not, then I’ll just depend on my parents for the truth. We’ll have our answers one way or another.”

Chapter 66 – Peter

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Peter was surprised that Noa allowed him to visit. After being turned away so many times with his parents, he was getting used to disappointment.

When Peter entered the small room, Noa was drawing. He’d been given some charcoals and paper, and it looked like he’d gone to town. There was a stack of art next to Noa on the bed and currently…

Currently, he was colouring an entire page black.

Peter took that as a sign to tread carefully. He wanted to go easy on Noa, especially if he was in a bad mood. Noa hadn’t turned him away and he didn’t want that to change.

This was going to be a difficult conversation.

“Hey, Noa,” Peter said. “I wanted to have a quick visit and ask you some things. Is that okay?”

Noa nodded, dark eyes flicking up only briefly before darting back down. He looked sicklier than when Peter last saw him. He was paler and ragged, hunched over the overbed table. He continued to scribble away at his paper.

Peter pulled up a chair that was off to the side and took a seat.

“How are you doing?” Peter began, trying to ease into the conversation.

“Horrible,” Noa said.

Not a good sign. But he didn’t expect Noa to be okay. At least he was willing to talk and that was a step in the right direction.

“Fair enough,” Peter said. “I’m sorry things aren’t going well.”

Noa let out a noncommittal hum. He was going hard on the small stub of charcoal pinched between his fingers.

“I’m happy you’re letting me visit,” Peter continued. “Mom and Dad are really worried about you. Do you think you’d be okay with them stopping by tonight?”

Noa nodded, still scribbling away at the page.

“I’ll let them know,” Peter said. “They’ll be happy.”

He felt like he was having a one-sided conversation again. Closed-off Noa was back. It was good that their family could visit again, but Noa was back to square one.

And right now, Peter needed to talk to Noa. Because he needed the truth.

He was sure that Rion was lying. He was so sure. After all, how could Rion drop a blow dryer in the bathtub with Amber? How could he do something like that after what happened to his mom? It didn’t make sense. It didn’t line up.

Rion was a good person. He had to be. He’d been protecting Noa all this time, taking beatings from Sarina just because of a friendship bracelet. He wasn’t the kind of person who would hurt anyone.

Peter was sure Noa would agree.

“I’ve been visiting Rion a lot,” Peter said.

Noa stopped scribbling and looked up. His expression was flat, but Peter could tell he was interested, attentive, studying him.

“I saw him just now, with everyone else,” Peter said. “We were talking, and… I have some things I want to ask you.”

“Why?” Noa said. “What did he say?”

Peter took a breath and let it out slowly. There was no easy way to say it and he had to brace himself. He hoped that it wouldn’t do too much damage to Noa. Maybe he could call Dr. Maes if things went wrong.

“Rion said he killed Amber,” Peter said.

Noa sat up straight, stiff as a board.

“That’s a lie,” he said.

Peter was relieved. That was exactly what he wanted to hear. He smiled faintly in relief. But he couldn’t get too excited. Not yet.

“That’s why I wanted to talk to you,” Peter said. “You were there. You know the truth–”

“What else did he say?” Noa cut him off. “What did he tell you?”

“He… Well, it was uncomfortable,” Peter said. “I don’t know if you want to hear it.”

“I do. Tell me.”

Peter didn’t think Noa was ready to hear what Rion said. But the way he was looking at Peter… He didn’t think Noa would let it go or be willing to change the subject. Peter knew better than anyone just how stubborn Noa could be.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m not saying anything else unless you tell me what Rion said.”

That was a problem for Peter. As much as he didn’t want to, he had to concede. It was that or sit with a silent Noa.

“Okay. Fine,” Peter said. He hesitated, carefully considered his words. “Rion said… He said that Amber went for a walk with the two of you and that she slipped on the trail behind the cabin and hit her head. The two of you brought her inside, and he… He said that he electrocuted her in the bathtub. He said he was trying to fix things somehow…”

Even though Peter tried to keep it short, he still felt uncomfortable saying it. And he felt even worse that he was saying it to Noa.

But Noa… His gaze was turned down, eyes darting around. His face was impossibly white and he was picking away at the charcoal stub between his fingers. He looked shocked, uncomfortable, and Peter immediately felt guilty.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said. “Are you okay? I tried to warn you…”

“It’s a lie,” Noa said firmly. “That’s not what happened. Rion is lying.”

“Okay,” Peter said. His relief was held back by Noa’s strong reaction. “That’s good. I know he’s not that kind of person…”

“Rion is good,” Noa said. “He’s a great friend. He would never do anything bad. He didn’t kill Amber. Never. He would never do something like that.”

“Can you tell me what happened then?” Peter asked.

Noa opened his mouth then closed it and shook his head.

“Please?” Peter tried. “Rion told this story to all of us, even Jesse. He’s really upset. We all loved Amber, and…if there’s anything you remember…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Noa said.

He curled in on himself, lowering his head. Noa looked like he wanted to escape. Hoping that his parents would have a chance at visiting later, Peter decided it was better to drop it.

“Okay,” he said. “That’s okay. I understand.”

“Don’t be mad at Rion,” Noa said. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m not mad,” Peter said. “I know he’s trying to be a good friend, in his own way.”

“He is,” Noa said. “I…I don’t want to talk anymore. You’re coming back later?”

“I will. With Mom and Dad.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Peter repeated, getting up. “I’ll see you tonight. Take care.”

He left Noa and headed back out.

Peter was satisfied but also felt guilty. Noa had agreed to speak to him and then they’d just talked about something really upsetting.

But Noa said it was a lie. He had to be telling the truth.

It lined up. Everything made sense. Rion couldn’t have put Amber in the bathtub. He couldn’t have put the blow dryer in there with her. There was just no way.

Peter made it back down to the others. They were waiting for him. Celeste and Danny were staring down glumly at their coffee but Jesse looked like he could burn a hole through something with the intense stare he had fixed on the table.

“It’s a lie,” Peter announced as he came and sat back in his seat. “Noa said so.”

Celeste heaved a breath of relief and Danny let out a small laugh.

“Yeah. Figures,” Danny said. “That settles it then.”

“Noa said Rion was lying?” Jesse asked.

He didn’t look any happier. He was staring Peter down.

“Yes,” Peter said. “He told me that Rion would never do something like that. So there you go. There’s your answer.”

“What happened then?” Jesse asked.

“He didn’t want to talk about it,” Peter replied.

“Oh…” Danny said, blinking. “That makes sense, but… He didn’t say anything? Nothing?”

“Just that it was a lie and that Rion is a good person,” Peter said. “I wasn’t going to force him to talk. I already felt bad telling him what Rion told us. Noa… Noa isn’t okay. I don’t want to upset him even more.”

Noa was basically locked in a room in the pediatric psychiatric ward. It was obvious that he wasn’t well and that he was struggling. The fact that he hurt Rion and then refused to even see his family… Clearly he wasn’t okay.

Peter felt bad enough asking. He wasn’t going to pressure Noa into anything else.

“But what if Noa is lying,” Jesse said.

“What?” Peter said, feeling his eyebrows rising. “Are you serious?”

“Rion is his best friend. You think he wouldn’t try to protect him too? If he did something wrong?” Jesse said.

“It’s almost like you want Rion to have been telling the truth,” Peter said, finally getting fed up with Jesse. He didn’t want to admit that he had a point. “There is no reason for Rion to be telling the truth, okay?”

“Of course I don’t want it to be true,” Jesse said. “I want you to be right, Peter. I really, really do! More than anything… But I just… Something’s not right. Don’t you feel that way too?”

“Guys,” Danny said. “Guys, come on… Let’s…”

“Don’t fight,” Celeste added.

“We’re not fighting,” Peter said.

“I’m perfectly calm,” Jesse said, though his stiff tone made Peter suspect otherwise.

“Let’s take a break,” Danny said. “Let’s all go home and just…have some water and air and breathe. This had been a lot and with everything Rion said… I’m spent.”

“Me too,” Celeste agreed. “I just want to go home and cry into a pillow. I can’t think about this anymore…”

“Fine,” Peter said.

“Talk to your parents,” Jesse told him, jabbing a finger at him. “I don’t care what Noa said. I want to know what your parents know.”

“Of course I’ll ask them,” Peter said. “We’ll settle this whole thing in no time.”

“Good,” Jesse said.

Chapter 67 – Rion

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

When Rion could finally manage to speak, he asked his dad to get Dr. Maes.

It was the only clear thought he could manage. His mind was a complete mess.

He felt dizzy.

He felt sick.

Dr. Maes didn’t take long to get there. Once Rion was alone in the room with her, he didn’t even let her speak. Words started pouring out of him.

“They didn’t believe me,” he said, gripping his sheets in a painfully tight knot. His voice was raw from crying, his nose completely stuffed and dripping, but he didn’t care. “They didn’t believe me! They didn’t… I… What should I do? They didn’t…didn’t…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Dr. Maes said. “Slow down. Take some deep breaths, okay?”

“I can’t,” he said, hiccupping. “I… I…”

“You can,” Dr. Maes said. “It might be hard, but you can do it. Do you want me to help?”

“No, I… I just… They didn’t believe me,” Rion gasped out. “I… I don’t know… I don’t know what to do…”

“I want to help you, but you’re very upset,” Dr. Maes said. “I need to be able to understand what you’re saying. Can you try to take a deep breath for me?”

Rion tried. He sucked in a sharp, shaky breath and let it out in a rush.

“Okay, that’s a really good start,” she said. “Can you try again but do it slower this time? You said Peter guided you through breathing techniques before. Do you remember the exercise you did?”

Dr. Maes talked him through breathing, trying to calm him down. It was hard and it barely seemed to help. He was still a shaking, upset mess when they decided to continue. He was still absolutely miserable.

“Can you explain what happened?” Dr. Maes said once he was breathing more evenly and had gone through some tissues. “Who didn’t believe you? What did you say?”

“I told the truth,” Rion said. “I… I told them… I told them what happened.”

“What do you mean? What happened?”

“I told them… I told them I killed Amber…”

He put his face in his hands, taking harsh, shaky breaths again. He couldn’t look at Dr. Maes. He was too ashamed, too guilty, too…everything all at once. It felt like his heart would explode in his chest. Everything hurt.

Dr. Maes was quiet for a long moment. When she spoke, it was still in the same calm, even tone.

“Can you explain that to me? What do you mean?” she asked.

Rion explained. He told the story all over again. And, in the process, he broke down into a fresh wave of tears. Dr. Maes passed him more tissues and he sobbed into them. By the time he was done, he felt exhausted, spent, and filled with fresh self-loathing.

“They didn’t believe me,” he said when he finished. “They didn’t… They all called me a liar.”

“Were you lying?” Dr. Maes said. “About anything?”

“No,” Rion said, shaking his head. “Peter… He said I was just making it up to protect Noa…”

“Do you know why he would say that?”

“Because…because I’ve lied a lot to protect Noa. I really, really care about Noa. And because of the friendship bracelets and Sarina… I didn’t want the others to be mad at him.”

“Do you think you were protecting Noa?”

“Yes,” Rion said and then hesitated. “I mean, I guess… I… I left something out.”

“What is it?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion hesitated. He knew he could trust Dr. Maes. She’d already proven herself several times over. But he was scared to voice it.

“It… It wasn’t Noa’s fault,” Rion said. “He didn’t do anything wrong, I swear. It just… It was… He had a disagreement with Amber. On the walk.”

“A disagreement?” Dr. Maes repeated.

“Amber found out that Noa was hurting himself. She wanted to talk to him,” Rion looked down, picking at the bandages on his hands. He felt horrible thinking about it. “She asked me earlier that day. I was stupid. I told her… It was my fault. I told her that Noa was hurting himself because she asked, and then she… She was really upset. She wanted to help Noa, but… She grabbed onto his arm to get him to stop walking and he…he tried to get his arm free. He pushed her… But it wasn’t that hard or anything! He just… He was just freeing his arm, but she… Amber stumbled backwards and her foot went over the edge. She slipped. It was an accident. Noa never meant to hurt her, and…and she… It wasn’t his fault.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “It wasn’t his fault. I believe you.”

A desperate whine clawed up the back of Rion's throat. It hurt to hear her say that. No one else believed him. Everyone thought he was a liar…

Did she really mean it? Was she just saying that?

He tried to take more deep breaths, but it was barely helping. He was so upset that he felt physically sick. He hated it.

“Rion, you’re doing really good,” Dr. Maes assured him. “You’re doing an amazing job. This would be really, really hard on anyone.”

“I hate it,” Rion said. “I feel gross. I feel… I… I’m a horrible person. I killed her. She didn’t… She was supposed to grow up and marry Jesse and they were supposed to be happy together. And… And Celeste was supposed to keep her best friend, and… Everyone loved Amber. I loved Amber. And I murdered her.”

It hurt to say but it was also a relief. It was good to be able to admit everything he’d kept buried all these years. It was a slurry of emotions – relief, despair, self-loathing, exhaustion – and he barely knew what to think.

“Are you sure you killed her?” Dr. Maes asked. “You said she fell and probably hit her head. She was bleeding. You thought she was dead…”

Rion closed his eyes tight, trying to breathe. It came too sharp, his throat tight and constricted.

“She…she moved… She moved in the bathtub when…when I put the blow dryer in… She had to be alive. She had to… She was…”

“That doesn’t mean she was still alive,” Dr. Maes said. “When someone dies, sometimes their body will still move. Electricity… That could have been the cause.”

It was a comforting thought, but that’s all it was. It couldn’t be true.

Rion shook his head. He was sure. He was so sure it was him.

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said slowly. “But even then, it was an accident. You didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rion said, putting his face in his hands. “It doesn’t matter. Because I still did it. And I started the fire and I… I’m evil…”

“I don’t believe that,” Dr. Maes said. “I think you were scared and you made mistakes. You were a little kid trying to protect your best friend. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“But I hurt everyone,” Rion said. “I’m literally the worst. If it wasn’t for Noa… If it wasn’t for Noa, I would have already killed myself.”

He knew it was true. He was sure. He’d thought about it a lot. He’d planned it before. But he’d never seriously considered going through with it.

Because what would happen to Noa if he died? What if people found the friendship bracelets? Of course, that didn’t matter anymore. Everyone knew…

Everyone knew.

“You’ve thought about killing yourself?”

Rion pulled his hands away from his face to cross his arms, curling into himself protectively. He sniffled and tried to catch his breath, sorting himself out before he answered.

“Yeah. Lots,” he admitted. “But I can’t because…because Noa. I want to make sure he’s okay. I want to make sure… He’s the only thing I have left to live for. I gave everything up for him. I… I put Amber in the bathtub because I didn’t want anyone to blame him or come after him or hurt him or… I know it was horrible and evil and I never should have, but…but I don’t want anyone to know he had anything to do with it. I don’t want anyone to blame him…”

“Have you ever thought about how you would end your life?” Dr. Maes asked. “Do you have a plan? Have you written any suicide notes?”

“Only shitty ones that I threw away,” Rion said, scrubbing away more tears. “As for a plan… I figured it’d only be fair to take a bath with a toaster.”

“And do you want to do that now?”

“…No…”

“No? You’re sure?”

“Noa still needs me,” Rion said, letting out a weak, bitter laugh. “He still… I have to be around. Because I told everyone the truth and even if everyone thinks I lied… If anything comes back to Noa, I have to stop them from thinking he did anything wrong. I have to protect him.”

“He’s your best friend and you care deeply for him,” Dr. Maes said. “I can tell that he's very important to you. But this is a lot for you to be handling on your own.”

Rion shook his head, reaching up to wipe away more stray tears. “It’s always been that way. It’s okay if it’s for Noa. I’ll do it for him.”

“You might be willing to do everything by yourself, but you don’t need to be alone,” Dr. Maes told him. “Listen, Rion. I want to help Noa too. And I want to help you. You don’t have to go through this on your own. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said, but he wasn’t sure how much he believed her.

He wanted to. He wanted to trust Dr. Maes. She’d been amazing so far. But it was so, so hard to believe that anyone could help. Especially an adult.

“You’re not thinking about hurting or killing yourself right now, are you?” she asked.

“No,” Rion said, shaking his head.

“You’re sure? You’re really sure?” she said.

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m really sure.”

“Okay. Then I want you to do me a big favour. If you feel like you want to hurt yourself or if you feel like you want to kill yourself, call me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’ll come and I’ll be there for you. We’ll sort it out together. Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah,” Rion said, but it was mostly because he didn’t want her to freak out and put someone there to watch him or something. “Yeah, I… I can do that. I’m sorry. I just… Fuck.”

“It’s fine to be upset, Rion,” Dr. Maes said. “You’ve been through a lot.”

“You really believe me?” Rion asked. “You really…? The others didn’t.”

“They were probably surprised,” Dr. Maes said. “What you’re saying is upsetting. But yes, I believe you.”

“…Do you hate me?” he asked, just barely above a whisper.

“No, I don’t,” she said.

And she sounded so sure. There was no hesitation. Rion didn’t understand. He was relieved but also so confused.

“But even I hate myself,” Rion said. “Isn’t it terrible? I killed Amber. I put her in a bathtub and electrocuted her. That’s not okay!”

“I never said it was okay,” Dr. Maes said. “And you did a terrible thing. But it was a mistake and you’re sorry, aren’t you?”

“I’m so sorry,” Rion said, heaving a breath. “I’d do anything to go back to that day and change everything. I wish… I wish none of it ever happened. Everything went so wrong…”

“That’s why I don’t hate you,” Dr. Maes said.

“…I don’t understand.”

“Rion, you were young, right? You were a kid?”

“I was…eleven. Almost twelve.”

“And when Amber slipped, what did you do?”

“I… I went down the slope with Noa and we brought her inside.”

“Why didn’t you get help?”

Rion blinked at her owlishly. “Help?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said. “You said that you and Noa went to John’s cabin after the fire started. Why didn’t you do that as soon as Amber slipped?”

“I…” Rion began. “I didn’t think about it. I didn’t know what to do.”

He didn’t think about it at all. Getting help hadn’t crossed his mind. It was Noa who said they needed to go to John’s cabin. Rion probably wouldn’t have gone…

Even now, Rion didn’t think he’d go for help. No, he knew he wouldn’t go for help. He didn’t ask for help with Sarina. He didn’t ask for help from anyone. He dealt with everything by himself.

“Why didn’t you think of it?” Dr. Maes asked.

“I guess I… I didn’t think about it,” Rion said. “I don’t know…”

“Okay, I have a couple more questions,” Dr. Maes said. “Do you cook and clean and do laundry for yourself?”

“Yeah. Most of the time.”

“And how long have you been doing all of that?”

“I don’t know… Years?”

“Would you say that your father isn’t around very often?”

Rion frowned and sat straighter. “My dad’s not a bad guy. He’s just busy a lot.”

“That’s my point,” Dr. Maes said. “You’re used to doing things on your own and you have been for a while. I can tell that from our previous conversations. You’re independent. That can be a good thing…but it sounds to me like when you were in a bad situation, you were forced to make difficult decisions on your own. You did what you thought was best at the time. You tried to protect Noa because he’s your friend. But you made mistakes. Because people, especially kids, make mistakes all the time. And if you’re sorry about it…I don’t think that makes you a bad person.”

“But I killed Amber. And I started the fire,” Rion said. “That isn’t good…”

“No, it isn’t good,” Dr. Maes said. “But you know what? You’re telling the truth about what happened. And that’s a very good thing. You’re being honest and when you’re honest, you can face what you’ve done and start making up for it.”

“How do I do that?” Rion said.

“That’s more difficult to answer,” Dr. Maes said. “You can apologize and say you’re sorry. But I think the most important thing will be accepting other people’s feelings.”

“But they don’t believe me,” Rion said.

“Maybe. But you told the truth. If they choose to think you’re a liar, that’s their choice. If they come to terms with things and realize you’ve told the truth…”

“They’ll hate me.”

“Or they won’t. Either way, you have to accept how they feel about you. You don’t get to choose how other people feel or how they react.”

Rion sighed, scrubbing at his face. “I guess. As long as Noa’s okay… As long as they don’t hurt Noa, that’s fine.”

“I think what you need is rest,” Dr. Maes told him. “I think you need some time to collect your thoughts. You’ve done a lot and you’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.”

“Yeah,” Rion admitted. “Yeah, I… I’m super fucking tired.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “You know what? I’m really happy that you asked for me and you told me everything. I know that it’s really hard and it takes a lot of effort and courage. But I think you need some more tools to help you. How about I give you some exercises to help keep you calm. Also, what do you like to do for fun? I heard you like games.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I have my SP. Dad brought it.”

“Good, that’s portable,” she said and Rion was a little surprised she seemed to know what he was talking about. “If things get really tough, I want you to ask for me. And if you need a distraction while you wait – because I might not be able to get here right away if I’m at home – I want you to hang on and try and play your favourite games. Okay?”

“I don’t think… I don’t think things will get that bad,” Rion said. “It feels like everything is as bad as it’s going to get.”

“Maybe. I hope you’re right,” she said. “But I want to be sure we have a plan. Just in case things do get worse. I really care about you, Rion.”

“Okay,” he said. “Okay… I can do that.”

Chapter 68 – Noa

Saturday, December 20, 1997

Amber’s gentle refrain of “Joy to the World” came to a halt as Rion’s fingers fumbled over the keyboard. Rion ducked down, embarrassed at his mistake.

“One more time! You can do it!” Amber cheered.

“It’s… It’s hard with an audience,” Rion said, hunching over the keys, flexing his fingers self-consciously.

Noa sat next to the Christmas tree, curled up with his sketchbook. He’d given up drawing to watch Rion and Amber as they tried to work out Christmas carols with Rion’s keyboard. He was having trouble playing today.

Rion could play any song perfectly, but the second people were watching him or singing along, his fingers tripped over the keys and his face would get all hot and flushed. Noa asked him about it once and he said he felt self-conscious when other people were watching.

Noa didn’t bother him at all though, and he was very pleased about it. He could sit next to Rion while he played on the big piano at his house and Rion could play flawlessly.

Noa liked watching him play, liked watching Rion’s fingers dance across the keys, liked watching his eyes move across the music sheets. There was something beautiful about it that Noa didn’t have words for.

“You’re so good, Rion,” Amber assured him. “If we practice, you could play when we do carols at Christmas. It’ll be fun!”

“Maybe…” Rion said. “But what if I mess up?”

“No one will notice,” Amber assured him. “It’s just us and the Warrens and you and your dad. No one will care if you make a mistake.”

“If you don’t want to play, we can just sing,” Noa said.

“Oh, shush,” Amber said, sticking out her tongue at him. “You never sing. You just mumble the lyrics under your breath.”

“Because I suck at singing,” Noa said, sticking his tongue out right back at her.

Honestly, he preferred to listen to Amber sing. She was really good. It reminded him of when his mom used to sing when he was really little.

“You’d be good at it if you’d actually try,” Amber began. Then she yelped as Peter bolted into the room, skidding to a stop next to her. “Peter! Why! You almost knocked me over!”

“We got Christmas mail!” he announced. “Mom has stuff upstairs! I saw!”

“What? Really?” Amber said, perking up. “Oh, are there presents? They’re supposed to be wrapping everything. We shouldn’t look–”

“You’re not even a little curious?” Peter huffed before turning to grin at Noa. “I think there was something from your Aunt Keiko, Noa.”

“What?” Noa said, immediately on his feet. “Really? Is there anything from Father?”

“Uh…” Peter said, wide eyed and taken aback. “I don’t…know…?”

Noa felt a mix of hope and anxiety. He wanted there to be something from his father, but nothing had come the previous years. Or no one had given him anything. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if his father wasn’t writing or if he wasn’t allowed to send anything.

But he wanted something. He wanted anything. And if there was something from his aunt… That was still good. Sometimes she had news about his father. Her letters were how Noa knew what had happened with the court case and the sentencing.

“Okay,” Amber sighed. “I guess we should go check with Mom. But no trying to sneak a peek at any presents.”

“I won’t,” Peter said right away. “I’m not a little kid.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Amber told him. “Hey, you’ve got something on your sweater.”

She pointed, sticking her finger right out to the center of Peter’s chest. He looked down and she raised her hand quickly, flicking his nose.

“Argh! Hey!” Peter protested.

“Gotcha!” Amber said before heading out of the room first.

“You can’t call me a kid and then do something stupid like that!” Peter called after her, hot on her tail.

Noa wanted to hurry and follow them but he waited for Rion, who got up and came over last.

“Do you think your dad might have sent something?” Rion asked. “Can he send anything? Since he’s in jail…”

“I don’t know,” Noa said. “Sometimes Aunt Keiko says something. Aunt Elaine will know.”

“Hey,” Rion said. “One second.”

Noa turned and Rion pulled him into a hug. Noa immediately hugged him back, pulling him close. He smelled like the hot chocolate they’d had earlier and he was warm in Noa’s arms.

Noa immediately felt a whole lot better.

“There,” Rion said, pulling back. Noa reluctantly let him go and Rion smiled at him. “Even if you don’t get anything from your dad, we can still have a great Christmas together. Right?”

“Yeah,” Noa said.

“What’s taking you guys?” Amber said, popping her head back into the room. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Noa said. “Sorry.”

“Slowpokes!” Peter called.

Noa and Rion followed Amber out of the room and upstairs to where his Aunt and Uncle’s bedroom was. They were supposed to be wrapping presents to put under the tree. The door was open and there was a stack of wrapped gifts on the bed that Uncle Charlie was sorting out.

“Peter said you got Christmas mail,” Amber said to Aunt Elaine when they came in.

“We did,” she said, going through some things on the dresser. “I picked it up the other day but I haven’t gone through everything yet.”

“Who’d we get mail from?” Amber said.

“Did we get any presents?” Peter asked, flopping down next to his dad on the bed.

“Yes,” Uncle Charlie said. “But you aren’t opening anything until Christmas.”

“But if they came in the mail doesn’t that mean we can open them now?” Peter said. “Please?”

“It’s only a few more days,” Aunt Elaine said.

“I can’t wait!” Peter said, stretching out, throwing his hands out. “I hope we got more games!”

“Is there anything from Father?” Noa asked his aunt.

He could see his uncle look up and even his aunt froze for a moment.

“No… I’m sorry, Noa,” Aunt Elaine said. “But I did get some things from your Aunt Keiko. We’ll look at those at Christmas. She also wrote us a letter.”

She pulled an envelope out of the pile of different cards and handed it to Noa. He took it and held it close.

“She got you some presents too,” Aunt Elaine added. “But you can open those at Christmas. Okay?”

“Okay,” Noa said.

“Oh, is it more cool stuff from Japan?” Peter asked, perking up.

“We’ll find out on Christmas,” Amber said. “What’s with you? You’re so hyper.”

“I think it’s all the hot chocolate and candy,” Uncle Charlie said.

“I’m not hyper,” Peter said, springing to his feet.

“Why don’t you help me take these and get them under the tree,” Uncle Charlie said, grabbing several presents and gift bags.

“Okay,” Peter said. “Can I take mine down? Gimme mine!”

Noa wanted to slink away and read the letter from his aunt. He already knew what it probably said. She usually wished him well, told him about his cousins and that kind of thing. It was simple, straightforward. She would usually include something in Japanese but Noa could barely read any kana and he understood even less.

But he liked that she was trying to keep in contact with him. And it was even better when she’d give him news about his father. Any news was something he treasured.

“Are you going to read it?” Rion asked.

“Maybe later,” Noa said. “I’m going to put it in my room.”

He wanted to spend time with Rion and everyone else. He was worried that if he read it, he’d get emotional. He didn’t want to get teary eyed in front of everyone.

“Okay,” Rion said and then turned to Uncle Charlie. “Can I help take presents down too?”

“Sure, Rion. Thanks for the help,” Uncle Charlie said. “Take these ones here. They’re Noa’s.”

Noa slipped out of the room and went down the hall. He slipped into his bedroom and put the letter in his nightstand.

He would read it tonight, when he was in bed. Then if he cried, no one would know or see. And maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would be happy and excited, but…

Noa didn’t always know what he would feel when it came to his family. Everything was confusing.

He came out of his bedroom and found the others all bringing presents downstairs. He followed them, taking some gift bags out of his uncle’s hands.

They arranged everything under the tree. Now it was really looking like Christmas, with all the presents sorted and piled up under the tree.

“Rion, did you want to keep practicing?” Amber asked, once everything was set up. “You’ve got “Jingle Bells” down pretty good.”

“I don’t know,” Rion said. “I think I want a break.”

“Now it’s game time,” Peter said, coming over to give Rion a nudge. “Right? Games? That’s more fun than playing the piano.”

“It’s a keyboard,” Rion said. “And it’s not that playing isn’t fun. I just… I don’t know if I want to play at Christmas if I’m going to keep messing up.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Aunt Elaine told him.

“Yeah, it’s just for fun,” Amber added.

“I know,” Rion said.

But looked uncomfortable, self-conscious. Noa stepped over to him and reached out, taking Rion’s hand in his.

“I really like it when you play,” he said, swinging his arm for emphasis. “And I really like it when Amber sings. You sound good together.”

Rion blinked and then blushed, pulling away from Noa. Peter let out a laugh.

“Rion’s piano playing is waaay better than Amber’s singing,” Peter said. “She sounds like a whiny cat!”

“I do not,” Amber said, elbowing him.

“Do too,” Peter said, elbowing her back.

“Okay, someone better cut Peter off. He’s had too much sugar,” Amber said with a roll of her eyes. “Time to put away the Christmas treats and candies.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Uncle Charlie said. “We want to save some for later.”

“Nooo! I haven’t even had that much!” Peter said.

“You’ve had at least two Nanaimo bars,” Amber said.

“But they’re so good, though! Rion had three!”

“Rion isn’t bouncing off the walls.”

Aunt Elaine went and began picking up the treats off the coffee table to put them away. Meanwhile, Uncle Charlie stepped over to Noa and Rion.

“Hey, Rion,” he said. “Your Dad’s not home until nine, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Are you sure you didn’t want to sleep over?” Uncle Charlie asked. “We don’t mind. I could leave a message for your dad.”

“But it’s so close to Christmas,” Rion said. “I don’t know… Wouldn’t I be in the way?”

“You could sleep in my room,” Noa said. “I don’t mind.”

Maybe it would be easier to go over his aunt’s letter with Rion there with him. He shared everything with him. It would be okay.

“Or we could get out the sleeping bags and you kids could sleep in the living room, by the Christmas tree,” Uncle Charlie suggested. “It would be fun. You wouldn’t be in the way, Rion.”

“Um… Well, maybe,” Rion said.

“Just think about it,” Uncle Charlie said. “If not, I’ll drive you home at nine, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Mr. Murphy.”

“No problem, kiddo.”

“You should stay,” Noa said to Rion once Uncle Charlie walked away. “We could work on the comic tomorrow morning. It’ll be fun.”

“Are you sure?” Rion said. “I mean, it’s you and your family. I feel kinda…weird. Like I’m not supposed to be here. It’s the holidays.”

“You’re my best friend. That’s the same as family, isn’t it?” Noa said. “Or…do you have other family that you want to go and see with your dad?”

“Not really…” Rion said. “Sometimes we see my uncle. He’s cool. He plays the piano like Mom used to. But he’s in an orchestra.”

“He must be really good then,” Noa said. “Is that what you want to do? When you grow up?”

Rion made a face. “I don’t think so. I like playing the piano. It reminds me of Mom. But I don’t think I’d want to do it for a lot of people. It seems scary.”

“Well, you’re really good at it,” Noa told him. “Really, really good. I think your mom would be really proud.”

Rion looked at him, blinked, and then his whole face went red.

“Oh… I… Thanks, Noa,” he said, obviously flustered.

Noa giggled. “Why are you thanking me? It’s true.”

Chapter 69 – Peter

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Peter's parents were there when he got home. They were in the living room and Peter took one look at them before saying, “We need to talk.”

He felt exhausted now that he was home, especially after the walk from the hospital. He was emotionally drained. But he couldn’t let this sit for any longer than necessary.

He needed to know what happened to Amber. He needed to put everything to rest once and for all.

“What is it?” his mom asked. “Did something happen?”

“Sort of,” Peter said.

“Did you just get back from the hospital? Is it something to do with Noa?” his dad added.

“I guess,” Peter said.

He shrugged off his winter jacket, almost missing the hook when he went to hang it up. He plunked himself down into a seat, heaving a sigh.

“I saw Noa. He said we could visit tonight,” Peter said, figuring he would start with the good news.

“Oh!” his mom said. “That’s great!”

“Yeah…” Peter said. “But there’s something else. We’ve been visiting Rion and he’s been… Rion’s been telling us stuff about what happened the day Amber died. And I… I really need you to tell me what you know. It’s important.”

His parents exchanged a glance.

“Why? What did Rion say?” his dad asked.

Peter didn’t want to tell them everything right away. He wasn’t ready to repeat it again. Especially if it was a lie. He didn’t want to upset or hurt his parents for no reason.

“Lots of stuff,” Peter said. “He told us… Amber was in the bathroom when it happened, right?”

There was another glance exchanged between them. Peter didn’t like it. He’d asked them before and they’d shared that exact same look.

“Yes,” his dad said.

“I guess you should know…” his mom said. “We didn’t want to give you any of the details when you were a kid. It was… It was really upsetting.”

“I get that,” Peter said. And he did. He was a little annoyed to be finding out more now, but he understood why. It was an uncomfortable subject. “I just want to know what happened. You talked to the police, right? And Noa and Rion told you what happened?”

“Noa and Rion were hard to understand,” his mom said. “They were really upset. I think the only time Noa ever talked about it was with the police.”

His dad nodded. “That’s right. The police had some theories, but…”

“Theories?” Peter said. “So, they weren’t sure what happened?”

His mom closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply. She looked like she was trying to stay composed.

“Amber was found in the bathroom,” his dad said slowly, gently. “She was in the bathtub, with a blow dryer. That’s where the fire started.”

Peter froze, staring at them wide eyed.

What?

Wait. No. That couldn’t be right.

“In the bathtub…?” he said.

“We don’t think it was suicide,” his mom was quick to say.

And that shocked Peter even worse.

Suicide? How could anyone ever think Amber would commit suicide? She’d been happy! Everything in her life had been going fine! Amber would never!

“That’s… No, that’s crazy,” Peter said.

“I know,” his mom said. “Amber wouldn’t have done something like that.”

“The police had trouble determining the cause of death,” his dad said, taking a breath of his own, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “The fire… It was hard to tell what happened. They thought maybe Amber came out of the bath and was blow drying her hair. She must have slipped and fallen backwards. They said it looked like there was head trauma… Whatever happened, it would have been instantaneous.”

Head trauma…

Rion said she fell. Her head was bleeding. Noa and Rion thought she was dead.

Rion dragged her to the bathroom. He put her in the tub and got the blow dryer…

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Peter put a hand to his mouth, swallowing hard. He felt sick, nauseous. His whole body felt hot. His heart was pounding in his chest, his throat tight.

His parents and the police thought it was an accident.

But the story lined up with Rion’s.

How? How could that…?

Did that mean Rion was right? Had he actually told them the truth? Or… No, what if the police were right?

Amber could have slipped and fallen backwards. She could have hit her head and been electrocuted. Noa and Rion might not have been involved. They might not have done anything. They might not have…

But then why would Rion say that? Why would he say it if it wasn’t true? And why did the story line up so damn perfectly…

Rion’s story made too much sense. How could he get all the details right if it was an accident? If Amber slipped, it would have happened in seconds. It would have been instant. Rion couldn’t come up with a lie that accounted for all of that, could he? And why would he lie? If it was an accident…

That meant it had to be true, didn’t it? That meant…

“Peter?”

His parents were talking to him. He looked up, blinking fast.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay. I know this is really hard,” his dad said. “What happened to Amber… It was an awful, terrible accident.”

But what if it wasn’t?

“I… I didn’t know,” Peter said. “I didn’t… She really… That’s what happened?”

“They could tell the fire started from the socket in the bathroom,” his dad said. “They leaned more towards suicide at first, since she was still dressed, and she was…”

His dad fell silent, scrubbing his face with his hands. His mom sucked in a sharp breath and let it all out in a rush.

“She was…what?” Peter said.

“Amber was pregnant,” his mom said.

Peter stared.

His thoughts were derailed. His mind tried to catch up. But his mom kept talking.

“When they did the autopsy… That’s why they thought she might have committed suicide. But we…we went through her things. We found her diary. She… She just found out she was expecting. She was excited and happy and… That’s why… That’s how we know she must have slipped. It was an accident. Amber would never have hurt herself.”

Amber was pregnant.

She’d been pregnant.

Peter would have been an uncle.

Jesse would have been a dad.

Peter’s parents were in tears now. Peter felt like he could cry too. But his chest was too tight. He could barely think.

Rion put Amber in the bathtub.

Rion electrocuted her.

Amber was pregnant.

“Oh my God,” was all he could say, scrubbing his face, trying to steady himself. It felt like the whole room was spinning. “Oh my God…”

Chapter 70 – Danny

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Peter invited Danny and Celeste over and showed them to his room for privacy. The soft, quiet conversation they shared was short but emotional.

Danny and Celeste both started crying when Peter, teary eyed himself, told them about the conversation he’d had with his parents.

Rion really did it.

And Amber had been pregnant.

“So… So your parents know?” Danny said as they passed around tissues. “Did you tell them what Rion said?”

“Yes,” Peter said, his mouth twisting at the memory. “It was a rough conversation. They got really upset. They said they need some time to think about everything. We visited Noa last night too, but… It was awkward. None of us knew what to say.”

“You didn’t ask him anything else about Rion?” Danny said.

Peter shook his head. “I didn’t want to get into it last night. I couldn’t bring it up.”

Danny understood completely. He was really upset about the whole thing too. It was so messed up.

Rion really did it. Rion really…

“But… But if she hit her head,” Danny said. “If Amber… Then maybe Rion… I mean, what he did was horrible, but…but maybe she really was dead already? Didn’t he mention that when he told us? Didn’t he…?”

It hurt to say, but he wanted it to be the truth. He didn’t want Rion to have killed her. If Amber slipped and fell and was already dead, then…what Rion did was still wrong but it didn’t have the same weight. Because that way, Amber would have already been gone.

It was easier to accept. It hurt just a tiny bit less.

“I don’t know,” Peter said, shaking his head. “My parents said it looked like Amber hit her head. That’s what the police said. But whether that killed her or the blow dryer did… No one knows.”

“Please, can we not talk about that?” Celeste said. She had her face in her hands. “I don’t want to think about it. I hate it.”

“Sorry,” Peter said.

“Yeah…” Danny said.

They lapsed into silence, going for another round of tissues.

“I have Amber’s diary,” Peter said. “Mom and Dad gave it to me.”

“Did you read it?” Danny asked.

“Just the last few pages,” Peter said. His voice was tight. He didn’t look at them when he spoke. “It was like my parents said. Amber found out she was pregnant before they’d gone to the cabin. She’d done a test. Apparently, she was about three months along…”

“I helped her get the pregnancy test,” Celeste said, sniffling.

“What? You mean, you knew?” Danny asked.

Celeste shook her head. “No. Amber said… She said she’d missed her… She was worried and wanted to have a test to be sure. I didn’t think she… It didn’t seem like… She didn’t say anything else about it.”

“Geez,” Danny said. “Man, this is…”

“It’s a lot,” Peter said.

It was hard for Danny to imagine that Amber had been pregnant. It was hard to imagine that Rion had put her in the bathtub and…

The whole thing was messed up. None of it felt real.

Danny reached up, raking his fingers through his hair.

“And you haven’t talked to Jesse?” Danny said.

“No,” Peter said. “How can I? What am I supposed to say? Obviously I was wrong about Rion, but…”

“He has the right to know she was pregnant,” Celeste said. “He was the father. He…he needs to know.”

Peter grimaced. “I want to agree with you, but… Telling him is not going to go over well.”

“Yeah,” Danny said with a wince of his own. He remembered how Jesse was acting the other day. “I don’t think he’s going to take it well…”

“But we have to tell him,” Celeste said. “Imagine if something like that happened to one of you. You’d want to know, wouldn’t you? Even if it hurts…”

“Yeah,” Danny had to agree again. “But I think… Maybe we shouldn’t break it to him all at once? What if we tell him that Rion was telling the truth and then…then wait a bit before telling him the rest?”

“I don’t know. I feel like he’ll be even more mad and hurt if we keep it a secret from him,” Celeste said. “I think it’s better to do it all at once.”

“I don’t know,” Peter said, pinching the bridge of his nose, leaning back. “I really don’t know. I’m stumped. I think no matter what we do, he’s going to get really upset. There isn’t any easy way of doing it.”

“Maybe…if we give him Amber’s diary?” Celeste suggested.

Peter got up from his seat on the bed. He went and got the diary from a drawer on the desk Danny was sitting at. It was a binder, packed full of loose-leaf. It seemed like Amber had been inspired by Rion’s scrapbook.

Peter held it up.

“Do you want to read it?” Peter asked.

Celeste flinched, looking down. “No…”

“You?” Peter said, offering it to Danny.

He shook his head. He didn’t feel comfortable looking through Amber’s old stuff. A diary was supposed to be personal and private and… Thinking about reading it was making his skin crawl.

That diary was Amber’s property. It was private. And now she was dead. No one should be looking at it. It felt wrong.

“It was hard enough for me to look,” Peter said. “I don’t know if it will be any easier for Jesse. I feel like seeing this won’t make him any happier. It won’t change the facts. It’s… Everything is just messed up, and…”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, steadying himself.

“I don’t think there’s going to be anything we can do to make Jesse happy,” Danny said. “He loved Amber so much. No matter what, this is really going to hurt him. I… I don’t know.”

“What do we do about Rion and Noa?” Celeste added. “We know Rion was telling the truth. And Noa… Was he lying then?”

“I don’t know. Probably,” Peter said. “Maybe we should avoid visiting them for a day or two. I mean, I’ll go with my family to see Noa, but… I think we need a break. And maybe we should take some time and figure out the best way to explain things to Jesse.”

“It’s going to be really hard,” Celeste said.

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “There’s no good way to break the news to him.”

And, really, Danny felt horrible for Jesse. It was going to hit him the hardest. There wasn’t a good way to tell him. It was going to be a mess, a disaster.

“I have to be the one to do it,” Peter said.

“Are you sure?” Celeste asked.

“I was the one calling Rion a liar,” Peter said. “I apologized to you for that already, but I need to apologize to him too. I owe it to him.”

“We could go with you or something, though,” Danny said. “I mean, you don’t have to do it by yourself.”

“You’re right,” Peter said. “But I still have to be the one to tell him. I feel responsible. I just…need time. I need to sort it out in my own head first.”

“You don’t have to feel responsible,” Celeste began but Peter shook his head.

“I was the one who insisted that Rion wouldn’t do that. I was the one who called Rion a liar. I really wanted to believe it and I… I was wrong. And I need to admit that to Jesse.”

“But what you said made sense,” Danny said, twisting the tissues in his hands. “Like…you’re right. We still don’t know how the pictures are involved or any of that. And…it’s really not like Rion. I can’t believe that he… It doesn’t seem like him at all. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe we’re still missing something,” Peter admitted. “Maybe. But we know what Rion did. And Jesse needs to hear it. I need to be the one to tell him.”

“At least let us come with you,” Celeste said.

“Okay,” Peter said. “If you want to come, I’ll let you know when I’m doing it.”

“So… We’re going to take a day or two to cool off and then talk to Jesse?” Danny asked. “That’s the plan?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Okay then…”

They lapsed into another brief silence. There were no more tears, but the atmosphere was heavy and somber.

“I’m going to tell Sarina,” Celeste finally said.

“What?” Danny said, sitting up. “Are you crazy? She’ll freak out all over again!”

“If we start talking about it and we tell Jesse…” Celeste began and then shook her head. “Rumours spread so fast. Maybe no one else will know, but…do we really want to risk Sarina finding out because someone else told her? She’ll probably only hear a partial truth and lose it. And the way she treated Rion before…”

“Yeah, I get that,” Danny said, “but Sarina’s going to go ballistic. I mean, she was willing to beat the shit out of Rion right in front of us. What do you think she’ll do when she hears that…that he…”

Danny couldn’t say it. The words caught in his throat.

The thought of telling Sarina filled his chest with a dull ache. He knew what she was like. He knew how she could fly off the handle and how stubborn she could be. If Sarina found out…

Even if Rion really had put Amber in the bathtub with the blow dryer, he did not deserve whatever Sarina would do to him.

“It’ll be so much worse if Sarina hears it from anyone else,” Celeste said. “And no one will see it coming. At least this way we can tell Rion we told Sarina. He’ll know and…and that’s better than getting sideswiped. I can try to talk her down, too.”

“I don’t think she’ll listen,” Peter said. “I don’t know… It’s a bad idea. I don’t think Sarina will find out. I doubt Jesse will tell anyone.”

“All it takes is for one person to say the wrong thing to someone else. Or around someone else,” Celeste said. “Everyone’s always listening and talking… People already know that we don’t hang out with Sarina anymore.”

“They do?” Danny said. “But…what? Who’s talking about that?”

“All of our neighbours,” Celeste said.

“One of my old friends asked me about it when we ran into each other at the post office,” Peter added. “And the last time I went to the store, the cashier… You remember Melanie? She asked me if it was true that Sarina beat up Rion while we watched.”

Danny had spent so long in the city that he’d forgotten how fast the rumour mill could run. He was taken aback.

“But…but no one was there,” Danny said. “How could anyone know?”

“We went to the hotel and had coffee right after. Anyone could have heard,” Celeste said.

“Not to mention that some people have nothing better to do than peek through their curtains and watch everything that goes on down the street,” Peter said.

“It’s not like that in the city,” was all Danny could say. “I… Wow.”

“Maybe you’re right, Celeste,” Peter said. “Maybe we should tell Sarina. I just have a bad feeling about it.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Celeste said. “We’ll have a conversation. I feel like she’s getting better. She said that she tried to apologize to Rion. And she gave him those chocolates…”

“Why do I feel like all of that will go right out the window the second she knows what happened?” Danny said with a grimace. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I know,” Celeste said. “But Rion’s as safe as he can be right now. It’s not like Sarina would have an easy time hurting him in the hospital.”

Some tiny, really mean part of Danny wondered if Rion deserved to have Sarina sent after him. But he immediately crushed the thought, appalled that he’d had it in the first place.

What Rion did was horrible. It was awful. But it was a mistake. Rion didn’t mean to hurt Amber. His logic was just…messed up. And he’d been a dumb kid, and…

Danny couldn’t think about it too hard. Not right now. It was making his head and his heart hurt.

Chapter 71 – Sarina

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Sarina hung up the phone, heart pounding. She stared at it, not seeing it, the blood pounding in her ears and her heart squeezed tight in her chest.

Celeste told her everything. Sarina thought about it, rolled it around in her head.

And she hated Rion more than she ever had before.

Celeste told her that they were all upset, that they were all taking some time away from the hospital, that she should stay away from Rion.

Sarina agreed. She’d said, “Yeah, no, I totally understand.” in a foreign, level voice. Physically, she’d been even and calm and still, but on the inside she was a storm.

“Fuck…” she said and thumped a fist against the wall. “Fuck!”

“Sarina!” her mom called from the couch, twisting around to look at her. Sarina could just barely see her in her peripheral vision, but she didn’t turn to face her. “You’d better not put a hole in my wall!”

Sarina didn’t answer. She turned and strode towards the door, stuffing her feet in her boots and grabbing her coat, shoving her arms through the sleeves.

“Where are you going?” her mom called.

“Out!” Sarina snapped before throwing herself out the front door.

Chapter 72 – Jesse

Tuesday, December 30, 1997

“I know Dad gave you money for snacks,” Peter said matter-of-factly. “I want quarters for Street Fighter.”

Amber rolled her eyes and pulled out a five-dollar bill. “I don’t have quarters, but I’ll give you a five. Go buy yourself hot chocolate or something at the concession and ask them for change. And don’t bother me and Jesse.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. “That’s the deal. Got it.”

“And keep an eye on Noa and Rion,” Amber added.

“They’re still skating,” Peter said.

“So?” Amber said. “They’re younger than you. Watch them. Let them play Street Fighter with you. Give them some quarters.”

Peter rolled his eyes but said, “I guess it is more fun with other people…”

“Exactly. Make some high scores on that beat up arcade machine,” Amber said. “Have fun.”

“See you around, Peter,” Jesse said as Amber stepped closer to him, taking him by the hand.

“Stay out of trouble,” Amber said.

“Yeah, okay,” Peter said, hurrying off back to the ice, where Noa and Rion were still skating.

“Come on,” Amber said, giving Jesse’s arm a tug.

Jesse followed her. He felt warm despite the frigid air of the rink. Part of it was because they had just finished skating. Jesse was still carrying two bags, each with a set of skates and helmet inside.

But he also felt warm because he always felt warm around Amber.

“Do you want to stop by the concession stand too?” Amber turned back to ask him. “We could get something hot to drink.”

“I could go for a hot chocolate,” Jesse said, smiling back at her.

They had to walk up rickety wooden steps to get into the heated hall where the concession was. They pulled off their mitts while they ordered hot chocolate and then headed around to the back area where the smaller curling rink was located, passing the Street Fighter machine on the way.

There was a tidy little area just outside of the curling rink. It was like a small, classroom-sized event hall with tables and chairs and carpet. It smelled old and musty, probably because hardly anyone came here when there wasn’t any curling going on. Half the lights were turned off.

It was the perfect place for some privacy.

Jesse and Amber took a seat at the table in the corner, pulling off their toques and jackets so they could sit comfortably, drinking hot chocolate.

Amber’s long, dark hair was slightly tousled and her cheeks rosy. It made her even prettier when she smiled. Jesse couldn’t stop his heart from racing.

They hadn’t even been dating a year. He thought that maybe he would get used to being Amber’s boyfriend but just thinking about it was still a rush. It made him feel like a goof, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care. He was too happy.

“I like skating but I get worn out after a while,” Amber said. “Nothing beats coming here and resting up with a hot chocolate.”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” Jesse said.

“You’re really good,” Amber added. “I’m surprised you don’t play hockey.”

“Eh… Not my thing,” Jesse said. “I prefer warmer sports. Swimming or basketball… You know?”

“I’m not complaining,” Amber said and smiled, raising her hot chocolate. “I don’t know what I’d do if some dick body checked you into the boards.”

“You assume I wouldn’t be the one doing the body checking,” Jesse said.

Amber snorted. “You’re too nice, Jesse. I’ve seen you play hockey before. You’d never.”

It was true. He tended to avoid getting physical in hockey. His heart just wasn’t into it. Jesse needed to be really into something for him to go all out and it didn’t happen too often.

Actually, the only time he really felt like he went for it was when they played dodgeball. There was something satisfying about whipping those squishy balls as hard and fast as possible and getting someone on the other team…

“You’re right,” Jesse said. “You’re always right.”

“Not always,” Amber said with a grin. “Hey, your family is still coming over tomorrow night for New Year’s, right?”

“Yep,” he said. “Is Rion coming too?”

“Yeah. Sometimes it feels like we’ve adopted him,” Amber said. “He’s always coming home from school with Noa and hanging around. I mean, it’s not a big deal or anything. Sometimes Noa and Peter go over to Rion’s and play games… Next time they do, maybe I should have you over.”

“Sure,” he said. “I’d like that.”

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and my parents will be away too,” Amber said, watching him, letting her head rest in one of her hands.

Jesse glanced away, wondering what she was implying. Privacy with just the two of them? That was nice. Like right now. It was hard earned precious time. But being home at Amber’s with just the two of them?

That seemed really…intimate.

“That sounds fun,” Jesse said. “I guess we could have the games all to ourselves.”

“And we could hang out in my room and stuff,” Amber said. “No one would care if we closed the door.”

A nervous, self-conscious laugh bubbled out of Jesse. He could feel his face getting hot.

“I mean… Yeah. That too,” he said.

Amber’s smile was warm but mischievous. And, oh, she was so pretty like that.

“Do you think we could sneak a kiss on New Year's?” Amber asked.

“Yeah,” Jesse said, not hesitating to agree. “Yeah, of course. Um… If your family’s all there, it would have to be quick.”

“That’s okay,” Amber said.

The way she was looking at him made him want to squirm. But in a good way. It was exciting, made his heart race.

Jesse and Amber had kissed a few times already, but it was mostly quick, secret kisses. Sometimes they hugged and sometimes they snuck little gropes. But it felt like Amber was getting a lot braver about it.

Not that Jesse minded! He liked it. A lot. But sometimes it made him feel hot and dizzy and he wanted to do a whole lot more…

Was that okay? It felt like Amber was okay with it. But he wasn’t sure if he should say anything or push for more… Sometimes he tried to be more forward and she pulled back and he could never tell what time was the right time or what was too much or too little.

But lately, Jesse was sure things were getting serious between them.

“I want to get married,” Amber said.

“What?” Jesse replied, blinking. His mind was having trouble catching up.

“I want to get married,” she said again. “Like, after high school. What do you think?”

Jesse didn’t think. At all. His mouth was already speaking before his brain could catch up.

“Sure.”

“Really?” Amber said, her whole face lighting up.

Jesse had never been so happy about his mouth working faster than the rest of him.

“Of course!” he said. “Of course I want to get married. I mean, not right now, obviously. I want to finish school. But yeah. For sure.”

“Awesome!” Amber said, absolutely beaming. She reached across the table to take his hand in hers and he responded, giving her hand a firm squeeze back. “I knew you’d say that but hearing it… That’s so awesome! I’m so happy! You’re really sure?”

Was this what a proposal was like? No, was this a proposal? Jesse wasn’t sure. He didn’t have a ring or anything and Amber had been the one to ask–

“I’m really sure. Super sure,” he said. “I mean, I’ve been crushing on you my whole life. I could never, ever say no.”

Amber laughed. The sound had never been so beautiful. She’d never sounded so happy.

“We’re going to have to make lots of plans,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze. “And we should figure out what we want to do after school. Like, university and jobs and stuff. I can never decide on anything… You’ll help me, right?”

“As long as you’ll help me,” Jesse said, beaming back at her. “I’m just as lost as you are.”

Amber laughed. “I’d rather be lost together than lost alone.”

“Same here,” he said.

“I love you,” Amber told him.

Jesse felt like his heart could burst. Or maybe like he was going to cry. But that would be too embarrassing.

“I love you too,” Jesse said. “I love you so much.”

Chapter 73 – Sarina

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

It wasn’t hard for Sarina to get Rion’s room number.

She put on a smile and asked nicely at the information desk, saying she was his friend and came for a visit. Sarina had practice faking it in school. She’d learned that if she smiled and cried at the right times, she could get away with just about anything.

And it worked. It was too easy. She got the floor and room number and made sure to walk calmly to the elevator, despite her pounding heart.

It was easy for her to keep up that smile, even on the elevator ride. She was ready. She was going to really give it to Rion.

How could he?! How could he do that to Amber?!

She took a shuddering breath as the elevator came to a stop and when the door opened, she stepped out with confidence. They’d given her a slip of paper with the room number, but she didn’t even look at it, remembering what she’d been told, looking for the right place as she walked down the hall…

There!

Her emotions spiked in her chest as she strode forward. She couldn’t name it, the feeling too sharp and raw, a mix of anxiety and excitement. The door was partially opened and she shoved it out of the way, pushing her way in.

“Rion!” Sarina began and then stopped short.

She knew he was in the hospital, but in her storm of emotions she’d somehow forgotten why Rion was here in the first place. She thought she was ready, fueled by fury and a need for justice. But everything grinded to an abrupt halt.

Rion was sitting in his hospital bed, looking like the most miserable mess of a human Sarina had ever laid eyes on. He was cut, bruised, bandaged… Had he always been that small? That skinny? That pathetic?

“Sarina?” he said, wide eyed. He sat up straighter and winced at even the small motion. “What are you doing here?”

Sarina sucked in a breath to respond, but it caught in her chest. It took her precious seconds to get the words out.

“You… Celeste told me everything,” she spit out, clenching her fists at her sides. “She told me… How could you! Amber… You… How could you do that to her?!”

Rion’s expression changed. The shock melted away and his expression soured to something bitter and resigned.

“Oh,” was all he said, meeting her stare head on, hands fisting in his sheets.

Sarina hated seeing Rion like this. She’d seen it before, all those times she faced him at school, and she’d hated it then too. But now she really began to understand why – why it bothered her so much and made her so angry.

Rion faced her dozens of times, looked her in the eye the way he did now. It was like he was accepting whatever she was about to do, like he expected her to lose it on him, like he embraced whatever she was about to dish out.

But now he looked so horrible. He was obviously hurt, cut up, scarred. And since she knew he’d electrocuted Amber… Maybe that’s why he looked like he accepted it. Maybe that’s why…

Rion was in the hospital because he’d saved Noa.

That’s why he was cut up. He’d sliced himself to ribbons to pull a shard of glass out of Noa’s hands.

It confused Sarina. It made her angrier than angry. She was furious!

But…

But some small part of her asked if she would do the same.

She wanted to believe that she loved Noa. She wanted to believe that she would do anything for him, always.

But would she dive into shattered glass for him?

Would she take beatings for him?

Would she have electrocuted Amber?

No. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t do that to Amber. Never!

But she wouldn’t dive into glass for Noa either. She wouldn’t lie and take the blame for wrecking the bracelet. She wouldn’t let herself get bullied and beaten. Sarina knew she’d fight back; she’d tell the truth or make excuses.

And maybe that was the right thing to do. Maybe that was the right answer. Maybe it was a good thing to avoid danger and not sacrifice yourself for someone, no matter how much you cared about them.

Rion was right in front of her, all cut up because he saved Noa. But he was the same person who killed Amber.

Why? Why?! It didn’t make sense!

It didn’t…

Did it?

Sarina felt her eyes sting with tears. All her thoughts were crashing on themselves, connecting to create a horrible, twisted truth. Her fingers were digging in hard enough to bruise her palms. She was shaking, trembling, furious and vengeful and heartbroken.

Everything suddenly made perfect sense. It all fit together.

She sucked in a sharp breath.

“Take better care of yourself, you asshole!” she cried out.

Rion was staring at her, mouth falling half-open. She could see the confusion bleeding into his expression but she didn’t give a shit.

“Who do you think you are?!” Sarina continued, her blood boiling. “You think you’re some fucking martyr?! Fuck you! Do you seriously think Noa wants his best friend in literal pieces?! Get your fucking act together!”

She couldn’t hold back the tears streaking down her cheeks and she fought to withhold her sobs. She was ranting, rambling. Rion was still sitting there, gaping at her while she yelled her heart out at him.

“Everyone’s so fucking worried about you and you’re diving headfirst into broken glass for fucking Noa! You think I don’t see through you?! Everything was always for Noa, wasn’t it?! Amber and everything else! That’s all you fucking think about! Noa! Noa! Noa! You seriously think people are going to believe that you just shoved Amber and her unborn baby in a bathtub with a blow dryer for no reason?! I don’t know how it’s related to Noa, but it’s all you ever fucking thinking about so it must have been about him!”

She could hear a voice behind her. Sarina was sure that there was a nurse at the door. She didn’t even care.

“What?” Rion said, his voice rising sharply to match hers. “What did you just say?”

“You fucking heard me!” she said. “I see right through you, you fucking dick! Fuck you! Fuck you! If you really care about Noa, you need to take better care of yourself! Do better!”

She didn’t even know what she was saying anymore. It was a torrent of words and anger and frustration.

“Miss!” the nurse in the doorway called out, her voice finally reaching Sarina’s ears. “Security is on their way!”

“I don’t give a shit! I’m leaving!” Sarina said.

“Wait!” Rion called out, desperation spiking in his voice. “Wait! Sarina–!”

“I’m not waiting for you!” she cried out. “Get better and stop worrying everyone around you! Stop putting yourself in fucked up situations! Get some fucking help, you psycho!”

She stormed out, walking in a hurry as she scrubbed tears from her face, sobs catching in her throat.

Chapter 74 – Danny

Thursday, October 7, 2004

When Danny picked up the phone, the person on the other end of the line was the last person he expected to hear from.

“Hello? Um… This is Monique. I was just calling to see if Danny was there…”

“Monique!” Danny said. “Hi! Oh, wow! It’s been so long! I was actually planning on meeting up with you some time, but this month’s been really busy since we’ve moved and everything.”

And there was all the chaos with Noa and Rion. But Danny didn’t want to mention that.

“Oh! Danny! Hi!” Monique said and he could hear the shift in her tone. She must be smiling. “It’s great to hear your voice. I, um… I was going to call you sooner, but…”

“Yeah, no, I totally understand,” Danny said. “How are you? How are things? Still hanging out with Sarina, I hear.”

Monique let out a snort. Danny could imagine her rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, we still hang out,” she said. “Even though Sarina can be the most boring person alive sometimes. She’s up to no good again. I thought you should know.”

“Oh. Oh no…” Danny said.

With everything going on, the last thing he wanted to deal with right now was Sarina. He was more worried about Noa. And with what Rion did…

“I’m not really friends with her anymore,” Danny said. “Sorry, Monique…”

“Oh, no, don’t be,” Monique said. “If I still had someone cool to hang out with like you, I probably wouldn’t hang out with Sarina either. But this is important. You should know. Everyone’s talking about it at school and Sarina’s being tight-lipped. Probably because I keep reminding her how boring she is.”

“Okay. Well, what happened then?”

“Apparently, she went and harassed Rion in the hospital. Sarina didn’t give me details. She just said she went and yelled at him. People at school are saying that she beat him up or something but that can’t be true. Hospitals have security, don’t they?”

Danny froze. Sarina yelled at Rion? Sarina had…

Wait. Celeste said she was going to tell Sarina about…

No…

“Uh, hey, mind if I call you back?” Danny said. “I have to check on something.”

“Sure. Um… Can I ask you something before that?”

“Huh? Oh. Sure,” Danny said.

“Want to go out for coffee sometime?”

“Of course!” Danny said, not even hesitating. “I’d love to catch up with you! I just have…uh…some stuff to take care of. Let’s talk later, okay?”

“Okay!” Monique said cheerfully. “I’ll call you back later. We can decide on a time. Also, I’m really glad you’re back. You brighten up the whole town.”

“Oh,” Danny said, blinking at the unexpected compliment. “Thanks, Monique.”

“I’m just being honest.”

“That… Yeah, that does sound like you. Thanks. Really. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Sure. Bye, Danny!”

“Bye!”

Danny hung up. He took a second to collect himself, to shake off the nostalgia clinging to him from his brief conversation with Monique. Then he picked up the phone and called Celeste. Lucky for him, she was the one to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Celeste, it’s Danny,” he said. “Did you tell Sarina about Rion? Like, what he did?”

“Yeah. Yesterday. I wanted to get it over with… Why?”

“Monique just called me. And she said Sarina freaked out on Rion at the hospital.”

“What? What?!”

“Yeah! That’s how I feel right now!”

“But… But she sounded totally calm when I talked to her! I don’t… She… I don’t understand.”

“Okay,” Danny said. “I’m going to call Peter. Let’s… Are you busy? We should meet up and see Rion or something and make sure he’s okay.”

“Okay…”

It took some organizing and calling back and forth to get the three of them together. Peter, Danny, and Celeste decided to meet up at the hotel and then go from there.

Danny was the first to arrive, followed shortly by Peter. And he did not look impressed.

“Hey,” Danny greeted him.

“Hi,” Peter said tersely, taking a seat at the table Danny had chosen. “I think I have a plan, but let’s wait for Celeste.”

“Sure,” Danny said. “This whole thing is freaking me out. I want to make sure that Rion’s okay.”

Even if Rion had electrocuted Amber, Danny still didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. It didn’t feel right.

Celeste arrived just then, rosy cheeked and a little out of breath.

“I hurried,” she said when she joined them at their table, pulling off her mitts. “What do we do?”

“I want you to talk to Sarina again,” Peter said. “I think Danny and I should go to the hospital and check up on Rion. We should make sure that he’s okay.”

“Okay,” Celeste said, pausing to bite her lip. “I don’t know if talking to Sarina will do much good. She sounded so normal on the phone, but then…”

“On the phone?” Peter said. “You told her about Rion over the phone?”

Celeste blushed, making her face rosier. “I… I wanted to tell her right away, and… I just… I didn’t want to go over to her house, and… How was I supposed to tell her that to her face? She… She was upset but she sounded okay on the phone. I didn’t think she would… I can’t believe she would go after Rion.”

Peter closed his eyes, took a breath, and let it out slowly. Danny got the distinct impression that he was trying really hard to not be angry with Celeste.

“It’s fine. It’s done. We can’t change it now,” Peter said, spreading his hands out over the tabletop. “We have more important things to worry about. Like Rion. If Sarina attacked him…”

He didn’t need to say anything else. Danny grimaced at the thought. Rion was already cut up and bruised. Sarina had to have noticed that, right? She had to have… She wouldn’t really hurt him after seeing him like that, would she?

Then again, she’d been fine to attack him right in front of them. Danny had seen Sarina grab Rion by the hair, hit him, kick him... If she thought that was okay before she even knew…

What Rion did was horrible. But he didn’t deserve to get a beating for it when he was already in the hospital. Right?

“We need to check on him,” Peter continued. “We need to make sure he’s okay. Danny, the two of us should go talk to Rion. Celeste, you find Sarina. Talk to her. Okay?”

“Okay,” Celeste said.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Danny said. “Let’s do it.”

Chapter 75 – Celeste

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Sarina answered the door when Celeste knocked. It was a shock and with the anxiety built up inside her, Celeste didn’t feel ready to be facing Sarina so abruptly.

“Oh… Um… Hi,” Celeste fumbled.

“Hi,” Sarina said.

It wasn’t a friendly greeting. Sarina wasn’t smiling. She was stiff and tense in the doorway.

“I need to talk to you. If that’s okay?” Celeste said, fidgeting with her mittens. “Can I…?”

“Sure,” Sarina said. “Come in.”

The house was overly quiet when Celeste stepped inside. Both of Sarina’s parents must have been out or working. Same with Travis. There weren’t any cars parked out front, save for Celeste’s.

Celeste took off her boots and the rest of her winter gear at the door and followed Sarina to her room. It was hard for her to swallow, her throat dry and tight. Celeste was horrible at conversations like these…

She was caught off-guard when she found Sarina’s room in a complete disarray.

“I was in the middle of cleaning up,” Sarina explained, shoving a large garbage bag off to the side. “My room’s a fucking disaster. Half this shit needs to go in the trash. It’s garbage.”

Sarina had already stripped her bed bare of the sheets. They were probably in the wash. Regardless, that’s where Sarina sat, raising a leg to kick a box off her vanity’s chair. It was full of makeup, which scattered all over the floor. Sarina didn’t seem to care.

“Sit wherever,” Sarina said. “Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Um…” Celeste said, not knowing where to start. She didn’t feel comfortable sitting just yet. “I… Remember our talk from yesterday?”

“Yeah, I remember our talk,” Sarina said. “What about it?”

“Um… Did you…? I heard that you went to the hospital…”

“Of course you did. Everyone in this town runs their mouths. What did they say?”

“Monique called Danny,” Celeste said in a small voice. “She said you told her that you went and yelled at Rion. And she said people were talking and…they said you went to hospital and beat him up.”

“I didn’t fucking beat him up!” Sarina said. “Oh my god! This whole fucking town is retarded! I can’t even!”

She thumped a fist down on her bed in anger and Celeste flinched.

“This situation is fucked,” Sarina continued. “You seriously think I would do that, Celeste? Have you seen Rion? He’s so fucking pathetic. You think I’d beat him up when he’s already a fucking mess? Come on!”

“I don’t know what to think,” Celeste said, closing her eyes for a moment. She felt emotional, like she might cry. She hated confrontations like these, hated being yelled at. “I never would have thought… I never would have thought that things would be the way they are. I can’t believe that Rion would ever…that he would…electrocute Amber…”

To Celeste’s surprise, Sarina let out a derisive snort. “You can’t? Why not? It makes perfect fucking sense.”

“What?” Celeste said, opening her eyes. “No. No, it doesn’t. Rion’s not like that at all.”

“Of course he is,” Sarina said, grimacing, her expression bitter. “He’d do anything for Noa. He jumped right into broken glass for him. Makes sense that he’d commit literal murder or whatever the fuck just to make Noa feel better.”

Celeste stood there blinking, not understanding.

“What?” she said.

“What do you mean, ‘what’?” Sarina said. “Rion would do anything for Noa. Putting Amber in that bathtub? That was obviously the reason. It’s so fucked up. Rion is so fucked.”

Celeste was struggling to understand what Sarina was saying.

Rion electrocuted Amber for Noa? What? Why? That didn’t make any sense.

“Rion said… Rion said he was trying to fix things,” Celeste said. “Obviously, he was… He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t thinking straight. He…”

“Yeah, and who do you think he was trying to fix things for?” Sarina said. “Why do you look so confused? All Rion ever thinks about is Noa. That dick spent the last six years getting pushed around by me and my friends. And why? Because he had to protect Noa. He couldn’t admit that Noa had wrecked his bracelet. Who fucking does that? It’d be so easy to tell the truth. But Rion? No. He doesn’t give a shit. And when Noa picks up a piece of glass? Rion’s gotta dive in there and tear it from his hands. Doesn’t matter that he might get hurt. He just doesn’t care – not about himself. Noa’s the only thing that fucking matters in his tiny pea brain.”

And when Sarina explained it like that, it began to make sense to Celeste. It was horrible, terrible, but…

But…

“Noa… Are you saying that Noa hurt Amber?” Celeste said.

“I don’t fucking know!” Sarina said. “Noa doesn’t hurt anyone. Noa’s really kind and gentle. But if Rion thought Noa did something wrong, or if he… I don’t know! Whatever did happen, Rion did something fucked up to protect Noa. Because that’s just who he is. It’s probably something dumb and doesn’t make any sense. The guy needs fucking therapy.”

Celeste swallowed hard, trying to process everything Sarina was saying. Because she was making sense.

She tried to think back ever farther, to when they were kids. Were Noa and Rion like that even back then.

“Didn’t Noa… When they were kids… Didn’t Noa break one of his games? Accidentally?” Celeste said. “And then he got upset and when Mr. and Mrs. Murphy asked…”

“Rion said it was his fault. I remember,” Sarina said. “Rion said it was an accident and that he was sorry. He tried to take it right in the teeth. But we were there. We’d seen the whole thing and I called him a liar.”

Celeste began to think of other times, of other examples, and then she began to wonder how much they didn’t know. How many times had Rion covered for Noa? How many times had he taken the blame when none of the rest of them knew.

But then… What really happened to Amber? Was this another one of Rion’s lies?

But Rion knew what happened to her. Rion knew that Amber was in the bath with the blow dryer. He knew that she’d fallen and hit her head. And Peter said that was information his parents and the police knew. How could Rion know so much…

Had he only seen Amber in the bathtub? Had he made it up because…because…

Why?

No, that didn’t make sense either. And Rion seemed so sincere when he told them what he’d done. If Rion did it, then…

Sarina was right. It didn’t make sense. Even if Rion said he’d done it to fix things, what was he fixing? No one could fix anything like that. He’d just made everything so much worse…

But then… Did that mean Noa had done something?

Celeste didn’t want to think about it. She hated the thought. She hated everything about what might have happened to Amber. She couldn’t imagine Noa doing something to hurt Amber because he loved her so much. And she loved him. Why…

Noa always had a lot of problems. He came from an abusive family…

No. Celeste couldn’t go there. She couldn’t think about it.

“I can guarantee that this whole thing has to do with Noa,” Sarina continued when Celeste was silent. “Because Rion does everything for Noa. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“I… I think we need to talk to the others,” Celeste said. “I think…I think we need to talk about this. Together.”

Chapter 76 – Peter

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Peter and Danny made it to Rion’s hospital room in record time. He was having supper when they showed up, but was eager to shove his meal aside when they came in.

“Rion,” Peter said right away, coming over to his bedside.

“Are you okay?” Danny asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Rion said. “I wasn’t expecting you. Did something happen?”

“We heard that Sarina came here and attacked you,” Peter said. “Is that true? Are you all right?”

Rion blinked, understanding crossing his face. He looked away, his discomfort more than obvious.

“Sarina definitely came here,” he said. “But I wouldn’t say that she attacked me…”

“She didn’t?” Danny said. He flopped into one of the chairs, sighed in relief. “Oh, thank God… Monique called and said Sarina yelled at you and everyone was talking about her coming to the hospital and attacking you.”

“She did come here and yell,” Rion said. “I didn’t really get it. She was telling me to get help, and… It was weird. I thought she was fucking with me, trying to mess with my head or something. She wasn’t making any sense.”

“Get help?” Danny said. “She said that?”

Rion shrugged helplessly. “She told me to do better and to… I don’t remember all of it. It was really weird.”

He looked down and began picking at his sheets.

Now that the immediate concern was out of the way, Peter felt like he could relax and breathe a little easier. Rion didn’t look like he’d taken a beating. In fact, there was a little more colour to him. He looked livelier than before.

And now that Peter knew Sarina hadn’t hurt Rion, everything else trickled back to the front of his mind.

Rion had electrocuted Amber…or her corpse… He’d really done it. They knew the truth. What Rion said lined up with the facts.

And now, here they were, face to face again.

Peter was unhappy. He was disgusted. He was uncomfortable.

But he didn’t hate Rion.

It was a revelation that surprised him. Maybe it shouldn’t have, considering how worried he’d been when he heard that Sarina might have come to the hospital to abuse Rion. But he couldn’t muster any anger or hatred.

What happened was sad, tragic, painful. He wasn’t over it. The truth hadn’t gone away. It was a fresh weight in his chest that threatened to drag him down. But looking at Rion, he couldn’t be mad at him. He couldn’t hate him.

Considering what he’d done to Amber, Peter thought maybe knowing the truth would have changed his mind about Rion. But it hadn’t. Not really. Rion was still Rion. And he looked miserable, sitting in his hospital bed, still bandaged and bruised…

Maybe it was because everything happened so long ago. Six years was a long time. Peter didn’t think he’d feel the same way if he’d been told the truth right after Amber died.

Or maybe it was that Rion so obviously needed help. He wasn’t in a good place.

“I’m glad Sarina didn’t hurt you,” Peter said. “You’re looking a lot better. Are you feeling all right?”

“I guess…” Rion said, still picking at his sheets. “The doctor visited. He wants me to start getting active again, so…we’ve started doing some exercises and stuff. He got me to walk around a bit so that’s something. Feels kind of like walking on papercuts, but I can get around if I need to.”

“That’s great news,” Danny said.

“Yeah,” Rion said.

He wasn’t looking up at them anymore. His gaze was focused downwards. If he thought it was great news, he wasn’t showing it.

Peter realized the last time they talked, he called Rion a liar. That must be why…

He had to correct that.

“I owe you an apology,” Peter said.

“…What?” Rion said, finally glancing up.

“I called you a liar,” he said. Rion’s eyes widened a fraction. “I talked to my parents. Your story… It lines up with the police reports and all of that. You… You didn’t lie. So, I’m sorry for calling you a liar.”

He couldn’t bring up Amber and what Rion told them. It stuck on his tongue. But he didn’t feel like he needed to say it. And he wasn’t ready to forgive him for that yet so there was no point in bringing it up.

Rion looked down again, eyes still wide. He balled his hands up into fists in his lap. He was silent for a long time.

“You believe me?” he said.

“Yeah,” Danny said, but he grimaced, shifting in his seat. “Yeah, we do now. But…”

“We’re going to need some time,” Peter said. “It’s a lot.”

“It hurts to think about,” Danny added. “Like… I don’t get why you would do that, Rion. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know,” Rion said. He closed his eyes, hanging his head. He looked miserable and Peter couldn’t help but feel that it was appropriate, given everything that happened. “I know, and I… You don’t know how sorry I am. I wake up every day and I think about it and hate myself. There’s… There’s nothing I can do or say that’ll ever make it okay.”

Rion’s words stung, but they were satisfying.

“At least you understand that,” Peter said. “You were wrong and you regret it. That’s something.”

“Are you sure she wasn’t dead?” Danny said. “Are you sure…? It sounded like… I mean…”

“Even if she was, it doesn’t matter,” Rion said, his voice growing hard. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have… I did the worst possible thing. I… God, you don’t know how much I fucking hate myself for it. Don’t you… Don’t you both hate me too?”

Peter thought about it but only for the briefest second.

“No,” he said. “But I haven’t forgiven you. What you did wasn’t okay.”

“It’ll never be okay,” Rion said.

“We need time,” Peter said again. “We’re all really upset… We need…”

“I think I can forgive you,” Danny spoke up, interrupting. “You didn’t mean to hurt her, right Rion? It was… It was just a messed-up choice in a horrible situation. Right?”

“I don’t know,” Rion said. “I mean, of course I never meant to hurt Amber. I thought… I thought she was dead. If I thought for one second that she was alive, then…then I never would have…”

“Right,” Danny said with more confidence. “Right. So, it… What you did was horrible, but you weren’t trying to hurt Amber. I mean, I think Peter’s right. I need some time to think about it, and… Yeah. Everything like that. Like, I’m super upset. But I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

“I don’t know, Danny,” Rion said. “Everything Sarina said about me was the truth. She was right to hunt me down and come after me. Even if she was only doing it because of the friendship bracelet. I might as well have cut it up…”

“No. No one deserves to get beat up like that,” Danny said. “And I still have your bracelet. If you ever want it back, I’ll give it to you, and…and yeah.”

“I don’t deserve it,” Rion said.

“Then I’ll hang onto it until you do,” Danny said. “I want to be friends. I want things to work out. It’s just… It’s hard.”

“It is,” Peter agreed. “Rion, I think… I think you should talk to Dr. Maes.”

“I did. I have,” Rion said. “I don’t know. I’m a mess. I’m fucked. I ruined everything, and… I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back in time and fix it. It’s… This is how things are now. This is why… This is why we can’t be friends.”

“We can be friends,” Danny said. “We can. It’s just…”

“We need time,” Peter said again. “We need to sort out our own feelings first. What you told us… It really hurts. It’s hard to accept.”

Rion didn’t respond, staring down into his lap. They all fell silent for a long time. It was awkward, uncomfortable. But finally, Rion spoke up again.

“Sarina said something weird to me. I tried to get her to stop, to ask about it, but she left.”

“What did she say?” Danny asked.

Rion pressed his lips firmly together, thinking, before he said, “She went on about…about Amber and her ‘unborn child’… I thought she was… I thought maybe she was trying to… I don’t know. Amber… Amber wasn’t pregnant, right?”

Danny sat back, eyes going round as he turned to Peter. Peter froze.

Rion didn’t know.

Of course Rion didn’t know. None of them had known. Peter still had to tell Jesse, and…

Rion was staring up at him, his expression open, desperate.

“She wasn’t pregnant, right?” he said again. “She was sixteen. She was… I know she was dating Jesse, but they… She couldn’t have been pregnant.”

Peter felt sick.

He should tell Rion the truth, but he couldn’t. Not right now. He searched for some way to deflect. Rion clearly wasn’t ready to hear this. He clearly wasn’t in a state to know the truth.

Peter could tell that Rion was genuinely against what he’d done to Amber. No matter how the rest of them felt about it, Rion obviously had deep regrets. He kept saying that he hated himself. Peter couldn’t add to that–

“She was pregnant,” Danny said. “We just found out.”

“Danny,” Peter said, too late to stop him.

“What?” he said. “It’s true. She was… No one knew. Just her parents and the police and stuff.”

“She… What?”

Rion’s voice was so small and hurt. The damage was done. Peter closed his eyes, letting out a hard breath through his nose before turning to face him. He didn’t want to have to comfort Rion, but he felt obligated to do or say something.

All the blood had drained from Rion’s face. He was sitting there, wide eyed, horrified…

“You didn’t know,” Peter said. “You couldn’t know.”

“She was pregnant?” Rion said, his voice just barely above a whisper.

“Yes, but you didn’t know,” Peter repeated.

“I… I electrocuted Amber…and she was pregnant…” Rion said, his voice cracking, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Rion. Stop. Listen to me,” Peter said. “You did not know she was pregnant. Can you repeat that back to me?”

“I didn’t know Amber was pregnant,” Rion said faintly.

“That’s right,” Peter said. “You didn’t know. No one knew.”

“Oh, fuck…” Rion said. “Oh, fuck. Oh… Shit. I… God, I…”

He was breaking down. Peter could see it. Rion reached up to fist his hands in his hair, folding in on himself.

“Oh… Oh, shit,” Danny said. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think…”

“Danny, it’s fine. Just…” Peter said and waved a hand, trying to keep his focus on Rion. “Listen Rion, I want you to take some deep breaths, can you do that for me?”

“No,” Rion said, curling in on himself further. “I don’t… I can’t…”

“You can,” Peter said.

“I… I want to be alone,” Rion said.

That sounded like a terrible idea to Peter. He couldn’t leave him like this.

“You shouldn’t be alone right now,” he said.

Rion shook his head. “I need space. I need… I can’t… Please…”

“Do you want us to get someone for you? Dr. Maes?” Peter asked.

“Fine…” was all Rion said, burying his face in his hands, breathing raggedly.

“Okay,” Peter said. “Okay. We’ll be right back.”

Chapter 77 – Peter

Thursday, October 7, 2004

When they left Rion’s room, Peter didn’t close the door. He left it wide open. They walked down the hall and once they were a few meters away from the door, Peter turned to Danny.

“I want you to stay here,” he said.

“What?”

“Just in case,” Peter said. “Rion… He isn’t okay. I’m not comfortable leaving him alone. You should go back and keep an eye on him until I can talk to someone or get Dr. Maes. I don’t want him to hurt himself.”

“You really think he would?” Danny asked, eyes going wide.

“I don’t know and I’m not taking any chances,” Peter said. “I’ll try to hurry–”

“Peter? Danny?”

They both turned to face Jesse, who was standing in front them. They stared at each other, taken aback.

“Jesse,” Peter said. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard that Sarina attacked Rion,” he replied. “I was worried. I didn’t want to go and see him, but… I couldn’t just… I tried calling you but you weren’t home. Your dad said you went out.”

“Rion’s okay,” Peter said, though it was technically up for debate. “Sarina yelled at him but she didn’t beat him up like people are saying.”

“Good. That’s…good. Yeah,” Jesse said.

There was a pause. Peter wanted to send Danny back to Rion’s room, but with Jesse standing in front of him, he didn’t want to dismiss him either. Things were already awkward. He needed to explain–

“Did you talk to your parents? About Amber?” Jesse asked. “Last time, it sounded like you were going to talk to them right away. But you haven’t called or anything… I have a cell phone, remember? You don’t have to wait until I’m home from work.”

“I know,” Peter said, trying not to grimace. “I did ask them. We need to talk about it, but now isn’t a good time.”

“Why not?” Jesse said. “It’s pretty straightforward, isn’t it? You were so sure that Rion was lying…”

Of course. Of course this was happening now. Jesse probably couldn’t wait any more. Peter didn’t blame him, but the timing could not be worse.

“Stuff is going on right now, Jesse,” Danny spoke up.

“Then tell me,” Jesse said. “Just tell me and get it over with.”

“Fine,” Peter said. Then he turned to Danny. “Do me a big favour. Go and talk to the nurses or find Dr. Maes. I don’t care which. I’ll talk to Jesse.”

“But Rion…” Danny began.

“His door’s open,” Peter said. “He can barely walk. Just… We just need to be quick.”

“Why?” Jesse said, frowning. “Did something happen? Is Rion in trouble?”

“I don’t know. I hope not,” Peter said.

“I’ll be right back,” Danny said before darting off.

“Let’s just… Let’s step off to the side,” Peter said, waving Jesse over, moving down the hall.

He didn’t want to tell him right out in public, for everyone to see. A quiet room would be the best place, but Peter didn’t want to walk into a random room that might be in use. He ended up steering Jesse to the opposite end of the hall where it was quieter, near the elevator and the stairwell. It was on the opposite side, away from Rion’s room, but that was probably for the best.

“Why do you need to drag me over here?” Jesse said. He was clearly suspicious. He probably already had a good idea what Peter was going to say. “You were so sure it was a lie.”

“I was wrong. And I’m sorry,” Peter said.

He wasn’t sure how he expected Jesse to react. Maybe he thought he would get angry or cry. Instead, Jesse stared at him for a long time, swallowing hard.

“You were wrong,” he finally said, voice low, heavy.

“I talked to my parents,” Peter said.

He had to pause to try and collect himself. He hated having to do this. Especially with what Rion was going through. This entire situation was a disaster and he was beyond emotional.

Peter took a breath and continued. “Amber was found in the bathtub. It looked like she’d hit her head, and…the blow dryer was in the bathtub with her. It’s what caused the fire. It…lines up with everything Rion said. I’m sorry, Jesse. I’m really, really sorry.”

Jesse stood there, staring at him.

This was not how Peter expected Jesse to react. He expected screaming and tears, maybe anger, frustration, despair. He didn’t expect this…flat, stiff reaction. Peter stood, feeling awkward, young, and stupid and wondering if he was too cold or if he said the wrong thing…

“Why are you sorry?” Jesse asked, voice flat.

“Amber was pregnant.”

The words escaped him. Peter knew it was a mistake, especially after telling Rion. But it just came out of him, burst free.

Jesse still didn’t react. Maybe it was the right time to tell him.

Maybe Peter just needed to get it over with. He was so, so tired. With everything.

“My parents said she was about three months along. She’d just found out,” Peter said. “Mom and Dad gave me her diary. I can… I can give it to you. I’m so sorry.”

He was sorry. He was so, so, so sorry. He didn’t want to be the one to tell this to Jesse. He didn’t want things to be this way. He didn’t want to worry about Rion anymore.

And then Peter realized how absolutely overwhelmed he was. His vision swam. He reached up to scrub himself behind his neck.

He wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Amber was pregnant,” Jesse repeated, his voice still flat.

“Yes,” Peter said.

“And Rion put her in the bathtub and electrocuted her.”

“She might have been dead before that. Rion said she hit her head. My parents said she hit her head too. The police thought she slipped and fell backwards into the tub. They said… They said she wouldn’t have suffered.”

“But she was pregnant.”

“Yes.”

“And Rion electrocuted her.”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Jesse said.

“It’s not okay,” Peter said.

“No,” Jesse replied. “But… Okay. I understand.”

“Do you?” Peter said. “Jesse, are you okay? You… Look, I’m sorry–”

“Don’t,” Jesse said. “Don’t. Just… I need space.”

“Jesse,” Peter said, but Jesse had already turned and started walking.

Jesse headed for the stairs, opening the door, and vanishing into the stairwell.

Chapter 78 – Jesse

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Jesse barely paid attention as he walked, his legs moving mechanically on their own. He went down the stairs, the door echoing as it closed behind him.

Rion electrocuted Amber.

Amber was pregnant.

Jesse felt like he was going to puke.

It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real.

How could Amber have been pregnant? How could he be finding out now?

Amber would have told him! She said she would tell him! They’d made all those plans together! Did it not mean anything to her?

It had to, right? They loved each other, right? She had been planning on telling him, right?

A baby…

They were going to have a baby…

And then Rion put her in the bathtub with a blow dryer.

Jesse felt like his heart was being torn up, stabbed and shredded to bits. His chest hurt. His head hurt. His stomach hurt. Everything hurt. He was shaking as his legs moved him down one step at a time, his breathing unsteady.

This was just like the day Amber died.

It was just like when he was pulled aside and told there was a fire, that Amber didn’t make it…

Jesse could barely see through his tears as he descended.

Amber was meant to live. She was supposed to marry him out of high school. They were supposed to be together, happy and in love. Amber had her whole life ahead of her. She was going to be a mom and live her dreams and do whatever she wanted, with Jesse at her side–

It wasn’t right! None of this was right!

Jesse tripped on the last few steps. He stumbled into the landing wall and leaned against it, sobbing as he clutched his chest, fisting a hand in his shirt.

None of this ever should have ever happened! None of it was right!

How had this slipped by everyone for so many years? How had he overlooked Rion’s behaviour? He electrocuted Amber, knew he’d killed Amber, and spent the next six years keeping it a secret from everyone! And Noa – Noa must have known!

How! How could they do that?!

Jesse slid to the ground, resting on his hands and knees, choking on his tears, sobbing. He curled in on himself, shaking, gasping every breath. He clenched his hands into fists, balling them up until they shook from the strain.

Jesse was overwhelmed.

He was so angry and hurt and frustrated. His chest ached so deeply, his heart clenching, throbbing like it was about to burst. He couldn’t handle it, couldn’t take it.

He was furious and miserable. He wished they’d never asked Rion for his side of the story. He wished he’d just believed what everyone else told him and never thought about it ever again. The closer he looked, the deeper he delved, the worse it was.

Jesse pushed himself around, propping himself against the wall, sitting. He scrubbed at his face with a sleeve, wiping away tears and snot but it kept coming. He pulled his arms around himself, boxing himself, unable to stop the tears from coming.

Amber was dead. Nothing could bring her back. Nothing could change it. It was horrible, and fucked, and… How could anything ever make this right?

He sucked in deep breaths, trying to steady himself, but it wasn't working.

Jesse sat there until he couldn’t cry anymore, until he was clutching at his chest and huffing out hard gasps, dry breaths. He was drained, exhausted, but he was still an emotional wreck. He tried to focus on something, anything, but all he could hear were the distant hospital pages that echoed through the stairwell.

“Attention please. Code Yellow. Seventeen-year-old male, shoulder length dark hair, wearing hospital gown. Last seen on fourth floor, Pediatrics. If seen, please call 4009. Again, Code Yellow. Seventeen-year-old male–”

Jesse wiped at his face again, grimacing. His heart was still pounding. He wasn’t calm at all. He was emotionally worn, drained and defeated.

He needed some fresh air. He needed something to clear his head. And he wanted to be alone.

Jesse slowly picked himself up, still shaking, breathing hard. He was already on the stairs. He could go back down to the main floor, but he didn’t want to. It would be crowded down there, and… No. He wasn’t ready to face anyone. Not even a stranger.

Then he looked up.

Did the hospital have rooftop access?

It would be a bit of a walk up the stairs. But no one was here. He was by himself. And he would be able to get some fresh air if he could get up to the top. Maybe going up the stairs would help clear his head. The exercise couldn’t be bad for him.

Still sniffling, Jesse started to climb his way back up.

Chapter 79 – Noa

Wednesday, May 9, 1994

“Noa…uh…Igguhrushy?”

“Igarashi,” Noa said, correcting the teacher’s pronunciation out of reflex.

“Igarashi,” the teacher repeated, still messing it up. The flow was all wrong and the ‘R’ too hard. “Do you mind if I call you Noa Murphy? Since they’re going to be taking care of you anyway.”

Noa didn’t remember this teacher’s name and he no longer cared to. The teachers in the city at least tried to say his name, even if they got it wrong.

He didn’t understand. It wasn’t hard to say.

“Okay,” Noa said. Because it was easier to go along with it.

“Great,” the teacher said. “We’re just working on science projects right now. You’re jumping into things a bit late so I’m going to partner you up with someone, okay?”

“Okay,” Noa said again.

He didn’t know anyone, and he didn’t want to work with another kid. Of course, he didn’t want to have to come up with a science project on his own either. Especially not last minute.

Noa missed a lot of school because he’d been in the hospital for so long. His side hurt because of his fractured rib. He could feel his bruises when he moved. His throat was still raw.

He didn’t want to be here; not at school or in Misty Meadows or any of it. A sick, queasy feeling had settled in his stomach, and it wasn’t going away.

But he knew he needed to go to school. Aunt Elaine had been surprised when he’d asked to start right away.

He only did it to get out of an unfamiliar house and move around and have homework – something that he was familiar with. Noa was good at doing homework. He was really good at it. It was the only thing he was consistently praised for. He got perfect marks all the time.

“Great. I’m going to put you with Rion,” the teacher said, shuffling him over to a desk in the corner. “Hey, Rion. Remember what I told you last week about having a partner? This is Noa.”

The first thing Noa saw were the boy’s hands. He had long, slender fingers. His hands were like a girl’s. But then Noa looked at the rest of him, raising his gaze, and realized that all of him looked like a girl. Kind of.

Rion had dark hair that looked ruffled and fluffy. It was cut short, but it was starting to get long, bordering on shaggy, bangs in his face. He was pale and thin and small, kind of like Noa.

But his eyes drew Noa’s full attention. They were different colours. His right eye was green and his left eye was hazel.

Rion was pretty, Noa decided.

“Oh, um… Hi,” Rion said.

“Hi,” Noa said back.

“Why don’t you get Noa caught up, Rion,” the teacher said. “The two of you can– Eric Yates!”

Noa flinched when the teacher shouted. He glanced back, wide eyed. A boy jumped down from one of the desks, nearly doing a faceplant, laughing like a maniac. The teacher hurried over to give him a scolding.

“Eric’s always doing dumb stuff and getting into trouble. He’s like that.”

Noa turned back to Rion who gave him an awkward smile. Noa didn’t say anything immediately, glancing back to watch Eric get scolded by the teacher.

“Um…” Noa finally began, turning his full attention to Rion. “What’s your project?”

“Oh,” Rion said. “Um… Mine’s on what battery brands last the longest. It’s kind of dumb, but…uh…”

Noa looked down on what Rion had on his desk. There was a binder and some pages with notes and doodles. Sitting in the middle was a Game Boy, switched on, the title screen displaying the words ‘Super Mario Land’.

“A video game?” he said.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “I’m timing how long it takes for the batteries to die. The teacher said it’s okay as long as I’m not playing it at school.”

That sounded kind of boring and wasteful. Using up batteries for a project instead of actually playing the game…

Last week, Peter sat Noa down and got him to try all the games they owned. Noa wasn’t good at them. He died and lost a lot. But Peter kept encouraging him, telling he would get better at it. Amber said she’d teach him to beat all of Peter’s scores.

His other cousins, his Aunt Keiko’s kids, played video games too. But he hadn’t been to see them because they lived in Japan and only made a few visits to Canada per year.

Noa’s family hadn’t gone to Japan since he was five and it was for Shichi-Go-San. He didn’t remember all that much, other than dressing up, getting candy, and playing with his cousins.

“So, we’re just waiting?” Noa said.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “It’s easier to do at home because I mark the time when I start and play until I’m tired or the batteries die.”

Then the work was already done for him. Noa didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t know if he should be happy or annoyed.

Right now, he just felt gross.

He didn’t know anyone. He’d barely been introduced to the class. Peter and Amber were both older and in different grades, so he couldn’t even see them. Amber said she would check in on him at lunch, but… What if she forgot?

He felt small, alone, and scared. His heart kept squeezing tight in his chest. He didn’t like it here.

“So, you’re the new kid?” Rion said.

“Yeah,” Noa replied.

“And your name is Noa?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Rion Blum.”

“Okay.”

“Um…” Rion began, and Noa wished he’d shut up. “Everyone’s talking about you.”

Noa already knew that. And he hated it.

He’d gone out with his aunt and uncle. They’d shown him around Misty Meadows, and they’d gone to the park and the store a couple of times. He’d heard all kinds of talk and gossip. Some of it wasn’t that bad, but some of it…

“Why does he call his parents ‘mother’ and ‘father’? It’s weirdly formal.”

“It’s probably because of his abusive dad.”

“He’s so lucky to be living with the Murphys now!”

“I heard he almost got sent to Japan to live with his Japanese aunt on his dad’s side.”

“Scary! Do you think she’s abusive too?”

“Probably. I heard she has a bunch of kids. Maybe they deal in human trafficking!”

“Noa’s extra lucky to be with the Murphys then! It was so good of them to take him in.”

“I’ll say! I can’t imagine being shipped off to Japan and having to eat cats and dogs!”

“Gross! Do the Japanese really do that?”

“I’m pretty sure they do. The Chinese eat dogs and cats, don’t they? It’s the same thing.”

“Poor Noa.”

“Yeah. He’s so lucky. I can’t even imagine…”

The first time Noa heard a conversation like that, he’d been shocked, bewildered, hurt. He didn’t know what to do, other than to look at his aunt and uncle, but they’d tried to steer him away, talking loudly about anything and everything else. Maybe they didn’t think he heard. Maybe they wanted to ignore it.

It made his skin crawl. It made him uncomfortable. That was what these people thought about his family? What they thought about him? They thought Japanese people ate pets, and…and did whatever ‘human trafficking’ was? What did that mean? It didn’t sound good, and he didn’t know who to ask…

That wasn’t him. That wasn’t who Noa was. That wasn’t his father or his aunt or his cousins or any family that he knew. They weren’t like that!

“People are saying that your dad killed your mom,” Rion said. “Is that true?”

Noa stared at Rion long and hard.

Was Rion the same as the other people in town? Why would he ask that? Noa didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t want to answer.

“I don’t really talk to people. I, um… I don’t have any friends. But everyone talks,” Rion continued. He looked down and picked up a pencil, rolling it between his fingers. “Um… If it’s true… I mean… I’m really sorry about your mom.”

“She’s dead,” Noa said. “Why are you sorry?”

Maybe that was too mean. Rion shrunk back from him, gripping the pencil tighter, twisting it in his hands.

“My mom’s dead too,” Rion said. “It… It happened a couple years ago. It was an accident…”

And then Noa didn’t feel so tense. He was suddenly interested in what this boy had to say. That tightness in his chest eased, feeling lighter.

It was an accident too, with his mother. His father hadn’t meant to hurt her. Noa was sure. It was an accident. It had to be. It had to. His father wasn’t bad. He wasn’t…

“What happened?” Noa asked. “How did she die?”

“She, um… We were in the car, and it was storming, and…” Rion began. He shook his head. “She was… She was electrocuted. It was a powerline or something. I was all alone in the car in the storm…”

He was looking away, gaze distant, unfocused, eyes filling with tears.

Noa had never related to anyone more in his life. Rion looked like how he felt.

“You don’t have to say it,” Noa said. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rion said with a small, wavering laugh. “Um… I thought maybe you…maybe you would understand. I, um… No one else gets it.”

“It was an accident too. With my mother,” Noa said.

“Your dad didn’t kill her?” Rion asked.

“He did, but… He didn’t mean to,” Noa said. “It was an accident. Father loved Mother. He would never hurt her.”

Noa knew it was true. That was who his father was. It had to be true.

“Oh,” Rion said.

“I’m not lying,” Noa said quickly.

“I believe you,” Rion said. And he sounded like he did. “Why would you lie?”

People didn’t call Noa a liar, but they would always give him that sad look when he tried to talk about his parents. He hated it. He hated how they would sit him down and say things like, “It’s okay, Noa. You can tell the truth. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

His father never hurt him. Never ever. Noa remembered! He really did! He was sure…

His father was always nice to him. He took him to the doctor. He bought him ice cream and told him how well he did, how proud he was.

Noa loved his father. He really, really did.

He wanted him back. He wanted to go home and be with his family. He didn’t want to stay here where people were talking about him in whispers.

“You really believe me?” Noa asked. “No one else does.”

Rion frowned. “Why not?”

“I don’t know…”

“That doesn’t make sense. You should know your dad better than anyone else, right?”

“Yes!” Noa said, relieved that someone else understood. “Yes, I was there! I remember…”

But he couldn’t say anything else. What if someone else heard… What if he got in trouble?

They would tell him that he wasn’t remembering right. He was mistaken. They would tell him he was wrong. Everyone told him that. No one understood…

No one but Rion, this boy Noa just met.

“I’m really sorry,” Rion said. “That… It’s really bad. It sucks. I know I miss my mom all the time. And Dad works all the time… I hate it. I want Mom back.”

Rion was tearing up again, wringing his hands around the pencil.

“Me too,” Noa found himself saying. “I want Mother back. I want things to be normal too.”

Because he did. He wanted his mother back, even if she hurt him. Even if his parents fought and hurt each other and screamed all the time. Because then he’d have his father back. No one would be in trouble and things would be normal and good and…and…

“No one else gets it,” Rion said, taking a sharp breath. “They don’t… They make me feel weird and different.”

Noa had always felt that way, even in the city. He’d always been worried and afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. He had to remember the right explanation for every bruise and scuff and…

“I’m the same,” Noa said. “I’m weird and different too.”

“You don’t seem that way to me,” Rion said, giving him a wavering smile. “You seem normal…”

“I’m not,” Noa told him. “We should be weird and different together.”

That made Rion laugh. He tried to cover it up, but it squeaked out of him. As he put a hand over his mouth, the teacher came back to check on them.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “How are the two of you doing? Rion, did you get Noa caught up?”

“Y-yeah,” Rion said, lowering his hand. He was still grinning.

“Great,” the teacher said. “You keep working on your project then. Noa, let me know if you have any questions or you need extra help. Okay?”

“Okay,” Noa said.

The teacher left them and the second he was gone, Rion turned back to Noa.

“Want to hang out at recess?” Rion asked. “I know a good hiding spot.”

Noa didn’t hesitate to answer. “Okay.”

Chapter 80 – Rion

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Rion winced when his feet touched the floor. Gripping the bed rail, hand prickling in pain from the pressure on his injuries, he slid slowly out of the hospital bed.

He knew he could walk since he’d tried earlier that day. It stung then and it stung now. He was walking on barely healed cuts, his entire body putting pressure on them.

Rion had never felt so satisfied by pain. It hurt and he screwed up his face into a grimace. Still, as he took one step forward, and then another, he knew it was right.

He killed Amber and her baby.

He was a monster.

Rion did his best to hold himself together as he made for the open doorway. Peeking around the corner, he didn’t see anyone nearby. There were a few people far down the hall and some nurses at the nursing station, but…

He turned and looked down the other way.

It was an empty little corner. Rion’s room was at the end of the hall and right next to his room was the door to the stairs.

He hesitated, but only for the briefest moment. He straightened himself, let out a breath, and then walked, trying to limp as little as possible. He didn’t look back to see if anyone was watching. He just moved forward. No one came to stop him.

Once he was in the stairwell, Rion went up.

It was a struggle. He clung to the railing, stopping constantly. His feet were heavy and every step burned. He didn’t have the energy and soon he was huffing out laboured breaths. He passed the fifth floor and then reached the door to the roof, pushing it open. He half expected it to be locked, but it wasn’t.

Rion found himself staring at a blanket of white.

He hadn’t looked out his window, and though he knew it had snowed, it was something else to see it. The whole roof was pristine and untouched, a thin layer of snow glittering in the afternoon light.

It was pretty. It was one of the prettiest things Rion had seen in ages.

Rion forced himself forward, bandaged feet getting wet as the snow melted underfoot. It was around minus five degrees Celsius; too cold for Rion to be out walking in a hospital gown, but not cold enough to send him running back to hide in the stairwell. His whole body was covered in goosebumps.

Rion made it to the edge of the roof and leaned against a guardrail, looking out.

He could see for miles over the flat prairie. Misty Meadows was laid out before him, covered in blankets of glittering white snow. It was blinding. It was beautiful. He hadn’t had a view like this in years.

Everything blurred as Rion teared up. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision, fighting back his emotions.

Rion knew that, out of everyone, he was letting Dr. Maes down the most. She’d been so helpful, telling him what to do and giving him all those exercises. She’d been so kind to him and Rion had been able to trust her.

He was grateful. He was so grateful. She’d been so nice.

This would probably hurt Noa. And his dad. They’d be sad, but he was sure they’d be okay.

Noa didn’t need him anymore. He’d even said he wanted him to go away when they fought at the Murphys. Noa had always wanted him to go away and Rion just kept screwing everything up by coming back.

Rion would have liked to have seen Noa one last time, but… Maybe this was for the best. Saying goodbye would be too hard.

It was better this way. Noa was safe. Everyone would take good care of him. Rion was sure of it.

It was cold, but he didn’t care. The wind nipped at him, but he didn’t care.

Rion closed his eyes, breathing in and breathing out. He let himself just exist for a moment. He tried to not think, to clear his head, but he couldn’t do it.

He’d killed Amber and her baby.

Killing Amber was bad enough. It was horrible. It was terrible. He could never, ever, be forgiven for that. But her baby too? The fact that she was pregnant?

How was he supposed to live with that?

It was one more thing. The never-ending pile of horrible things he’d done just kept getting bigger and bigger. It felt like a mountain. He couldn’t take it anymore.

He’d hurt everyone because he’d killed Amber. He’d hurt all her friends and family and Noa…

Jesse was supposed to be a dad. Jesse was supposed to have gotten married and had kids.

Rion set everything ablaze and walked away unharmed. He didn’t even have a burn on his hand like Noa. He’d ruined everything and walked away fine and...

How was that okay?

Wincing, Rion moved. He kept walking, limping until he was facing the back of the hospital. Taking the guardrail with both hands, he peeked over the edge.

That was a long way down…

It would be a rude thing to do, wouldn’t it? Jumping off the roof… It would be messy. Someone would find his body. Someone would have to clean up after him. Those poor people…

The least he could do was make sure it was behind the hospital. Then it wouldn’t be out front where everyone was coming and going. At least it would be…

Selfish.

Rion was being so selfish. He knew it and he hated it. He hated that he was only thinking about himself, thinking about running away and escaping from the horrible person that he was.

But Rion had given up everything else. Was it really that terrible to be selfish just this once? It was one time. It was one thing he could do for himself that would make things better for everyone.

It was selfish, but it was a good thing, right? He deserved to die, didn’t he?

Rion couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t talk to doctors and nurses while they worried about his recovery. He didn’t deserve it. He killed Amber. And her baby. And everyone was visiting him, and Peter and Danny were saying it could work out somehow, and…

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

What would he do with his life anyway? It wasn’t like he had plans. He’d spent the past six years worrying about Noa. And Noa didn’t need him anymore, did he?

He was a waste of space and resources. He was living for the sake of living.

He had no future. He had no dreams. He had nothing.

Wasn’t this justice?

Wasn’t it fair?

Rion took a deep breath.

He glanced down and looked at his arm. It was still bandaged but he could feel it aching. He suddenly wanted to see it and he picked away at the bandage. He freed the end near his wrist and unraveled it, pulling it down until the remaining bandages were bunched around his elbow.

It was an ugly mark, a cut that began on his wrist, just under his thumb and then curved across the underside of his forearm, stopping before his elbow. It was stitched together and had already started healing.

Looking at it didn’t bother him. In fact, he kind of liked it now that he could see it. It was a mark left behind by Noa. It couldn’t be erased or taken away. And like everything else, he deserved it.

He should have bled out on the Murphys’ kitchen floor.

Too bad the cut hadn’t been deeper.

Too bad he couldn’t have died. They could have called it a terrible accident and moved on without him.

Rion looked over the edge again, gripping the handrail. The ledge itself was thick. He didn’t want to get up and stand on it until he was ready to jump. But he did need to climb up first, and it was going to be hard.

Maybe he wouldn’t have the strength. Maybe his cut up arms wouldn’t be able to pull him up, or his legs would be too weak and sore. He might have to find something to stand on.

Thinking about it, planning it in his mind, Rion felt strangely calm – much calmer than he should be. His head was the clearest it had been in years.

It was refreshing. It felt good, even if he was so damn cold…

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a breath, and then opened them. Knowing that he had to try, he grabbed onto the ledge, ready to test his own arm strength and weight.

There was a sound behind him, the sound of a door opening. It came from the opposite side, from the alternate stairwell.

Rion turned around.

Chapter 81 – Jesse

Thursday, October 7, 2004

“Hi, Jesse.”

Jesse stopped in the doorway, staring out at the rooftop.

Rion was standing there, waving at him, dressed in nothing but a hospital gown, surrounded by snow. He was half-turned, smiling faintly. He had one hand on the ledge, his hurt arm. His bandages were all pulled down, hanging loose around his elbow.

Smiling… How could Rion be smiling?

It was surreal. The whole thing was surreal. Jesse wondered if he was hallucinating. Maybe he was imagining it. Rion should be on the fourth floor, in his room. He shouldn’t be up here.

“What are you doing?” Jesse croaked, his voice rough from sobbing in the stairwell.

He was still out of breath from his walk up. He tried to clear his throat. His mouth was dry, his tongue like sandpaper. The cold air didn’t help, either.

“I came up here to think,” Rion said. “What about you?”

“I needed some air,” Jesse said.

Hallucinating or not, he didn’t want to stand by the stairwell. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked over to where Rion stood.

He could see Rion’s footprints in the snow. He’d come up from the other side, on the other staircase. He wasn’t wearing shoes…

Rion was still smiling faintly when Jesse reached him. And seeing him up close, beginning to accept that this really was real, his inside recoiled. He felt sick just standing next to Rion. His emotions threatened to bubble up and burst.

Rion was standing right in front of him. Rion, the boy who had electrocuted Amber.

Amber had been pregnant.

Jesse’s skin was crawling. He wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Air is good,” Rion said lightly, as though they were having a normal conversation. As if he weren’t standing there in nothing but a hospital gown. Wasn’t he cold? “Yeah, I came here for some of that too; to breathe and think.”

“This is a shitty place to come and think,” Jesse said, looking around.

“Depends on what you came here to think about.”

The sun was setting, everything bathed in an orange glow. There was a perfect view of the whole town from up here, but looking out made Jesse nauseous.

Or maybe it was everything else making him nauseous. He couldn’t be sure.

Talking to Rion like this was…wrong. Rion was standing there without a care in the world, a breeze ruffling his dark hair. He looked carefree, happy.

And it made Jesse so impossibly angry.

After everything Rion said and did, how could he be happy? How could he…?

“What are you thinking about then?” Jesse asked. It came out angry, bitter. “What’s so great about being up here in the cold? You don’t even have a coat.”

Rion leaned into the guard rail, looking out to the open prairie.

“I was thinking about jumping.”

Jesse’s thoughts came to a halt. He fumbled, trying to collect himself.

The rooftop. They were…

Oh. Oh, God. Why didn’t he realize…?

“I was thinking I might not have the strength to lift myself,” Rion continued, looking over the edge. “My arm’s still hurt pretty bad. And my feet. I could probably do it, but it might take a while. It’ll be messy and gross. When I fall, I mean. You probably don’t want to see.”

Jesse felt sick, listening to him talk about it. It was a different kind of nausea. He clenched and unclenched his hands, palms sweating. His heart was beginning to beat an anxious rhythm in his chest.

The idea that Rion was here to kill himself… Jesse was almost surprised at how much the thought hurt. It left a deep ache in his chest. It was wrong.

He shouldn’t feel this way. Not about Rion. Not after what he’d done.

But he did.

“You… No,” Jesse said. “You can’t do that.”

“I could,” Rion said. “Noa doesn’t want me around. This would make it permanent. No one else would care, except Dr. Maes–”

“Everyone would care,” Jesse said.

“That’s not true,” Rion said.

“No, I mean it. Everyone would care,” Jesse said. “Peter and all the others. Noa. Your dad. Everyone.”

“They would feel sorry for themselves,” Rion said bitterly, his grip on the guard rail tightening. “They’ll feel bad for a little while. They’ll have their moment of ‘oh, gosh, that’s so sad’. And then they’ll get over it and go back to their lives.”

“I haven’t gotten over Amber,” Jesse said.

“That’s different,” Rion told him. “You loved her. And she was a good person. She was amazing. I’m not that. That’s not me. It’s never going to be me.”

Jesse agreed with Rion, and in that moment, he hated himself for it. He hated that he believed what Rion was saying. He hated that some part of him thought Rion was right.

“You still shouldn’t do it,” Jesse said, the words weak to his own ears.

“It’s okay, Jesse,” Rion said. “This is right.”

They fell silent. Jesse looked out at the open prairie, out at the setting sun. He didn’t know what to feel anymore. It was too much all at once. Finding out about Amber… Rion talking about jumping…

Rion was wrong, but he was right at the same time. Jesse wanted to be angry at him. He wanted to hate him. But…

He didn’t know. He didn’t know anymore.

Jesse was overwhelmed with his grief for Amber. He was overwhelmed with grief for a child he could have had. He wanted to lash out at something, anything, and he had no outlet.

“Don’t… Don’t you go to Hell if you commit suicide?” Jesse said, the words hollow to his own ears. It was his weakest argument yet.

“I’m not going to Heaven anyway,” Rion said. “I killed Amber. I killed your baby. There’s no way. What’s a little suicide to top it all off. Who cares.”

And Jesse couldn’t argue that either.

Maybe he was just as horrible as Rion. Because some part of him agreed with him completely. There was nothing he could say to make him stop, no conviction behind his own words.

Was it because he was angry? Was it because he was upset? Or was Rion right?

“You know, it really sucks. Because I was hoping that I might be able to see Mom again when I died,” Rion said and let out a weak huff of pathetic laughter. “That’s never going to happen.”

“Rion…” Jesse said.

But he had nothing else to add.

“Can you do me a favour?”

Jesse hesitated but turned to Rion.

“Can you give me a boost up?” Rion said, jerking his head to the ledge. “Since I probably can’t get up by myself. You don’t have to push me or anything. I don’t want to turn you into a murderer. Just…help me up. And then you can… You can walk away. You can just walk away and forget all about this. And then we’ve all done right by Amber and your kid. It’s like…justice. Right?”

“A boost onto the ledge,” Jesse repeated.

“Yeah. So I can jump when you leave.”

Rion was serious. He meant it. He was really going to do it.

Jesse looked at Rion’s arm, looked at the stitches. He thought about how worried Peter had been when he told Jesse the truth. He thought about how Danny had gone to get Dr. Maes. He thought about Sarina and Celeste and everyone else and…

What was right? What was the right thing to do? Did Rion deserve to die?

What he did to Amber was horrible. It was awful. It was terrible. Rion, in his own words, said he killed her. He said…

Jesse stood there. For a long time, he didn’t do anything. And Rion watched him, waiting.

Rion was ready. He could see it in his eyes.

Jesse stepped forward.

There wasn’t a way to grab Rion that Jesse didn’t think would hurt him. So he snatched him roughly by the upper arm of his good arm and pulled him as hard as he could. Rion yelped, loosing his grip on guard rail, stumbling backwards. He tripped and Jesse let him fall to the ground onto that light layer of snow.

“Ow!” Rion protested. “What are you doing?!”

“You’re going back to your room!” Jesse told him, his voice raising. His anger rose too, but with it came an extreme, vindictive satisfaction. “And then I’m telling everyone that you’re suicidal!”

“What?! Why?! Why would you–?!”

“Because you’re not dying today!” Jesse said. He crouched down and jabbed a finger right in Rion’s face. “You don’t get to make that choice!”

Rion stared up at him, bewildered. “But… I… Why? Don’t you agree–”

“No!” Jesse said. “I don’t agree! Because it’s not what Amber would have wanted!”

They both fell silent, staring at each other.

Jesse was breathing heavily. His feelings were like an explosion in his chest, overflowing inside him. But he knew he was right. His logic was flawless. It was a moment of pure clarity.

This wasn’t what Amber would have wanted. It would have broken her heart to see them like this, to hear this conversation. It would have hurt her, devastated her. She would have hated it.

And if Amber wouldn’t have wanted this, Jesse didn’t want it either.

He also wouldn’t deny that it felt good to deny Rion. It felt good to not let him have his way, to deny him the easy way out.

It was the right thing to do. It had to be.

Rion was going to live whether he wanted to or not.

“Jesse…” Rion began.

“Up,” Jesse said, grabbing hold of his good arm. “Get up or I’m carrying you.”

“I… Wait, I can’t–!” Rion said, fumbling. “Stop it! Just leave me here!”

“No, I won’t!” Jesse said, heaving. He managed to pull him up, though Rion was grimacing and leaning into him heavily. “Listen, Rion. Listen to me! What happened to Amber was your fault, right?”

“Y-yeah…” Rion said.

“Then you don’t get to run away!” Jesse said. “You hear me? You have to live with what you’ve done. And if you don’t like it, too fucking bad! Got it?”

“I… What?” Rion said. “I don’t… I…”

“I don’t care. Let’s go,” Jesse said.

“I can’t… My feet hurt,” Rion said.

“You walked up here, didn’t you?”

“I never planned on walking back down…”

“Come here.”

It took some fumbling and arguing, but in the end, Jesse got Rion up on his back. He piggybacked him, carrying him back to the stairs.

“You might fall,” Rion tried to argue as they headed down.

“That shouldn’t bother you,” Jesse said, taking it slow. His shoes were wet and slippery on the steps. “You were the one who wanted to jump.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone else!” Rion said, arms tightening around him. “What if you get hurt? Or killed?”

“Then you’re going to have to live with that too,” Jesse said, determined.

It was a long walk down and Rion seemed to get heavier by the second. Fortunately, they were going down the stairs and not up. It wasn’t that far to the fourth floor, though Jesse was panting when he stumbled out of the stairwell with Rion on his back.

“Jesse! Rion!”

They were immediately greeted by Peter and Danny, who rushed over, Dr. Maes and some nurses not too far behind.

“What happened?” Danny asked, wide eyed.

“You disappeared from your room!” Peter said to Rion. “We were so worried! They were paging for you all over the intercom system!”

“Rion tried to jump off the roof,” Jesse announced, not hesitating at all.

Rion hissed at him angrily, arms tightening around his neck. But Jesse didn’t care. He took satisfaction in it.

“I’m staying with him until I know he’s safe,” Jesse said.

Chapter 82 – Jesse

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Jesse didn’t need to do anything. He barely took a step towards Rion’s room before he was surrounded. There was a moment of chaos while an entire team of nurses and security came to help. Jesse was swarmed.

They helped take Rion and then Jesse was left empty handed, standing outside Rion’s room. He turned around and joined Peter and Danny who were still standing in the hall.

“He really tried to jump?” was the first thing Danny asked, wide eyed. “Rion really… He actually…?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said, some of his previous satisfaction already dissipating. He was exhausted, his mood plummeting without warning. “Yeah, Rion wanted to jump. I went up for some fresh air and found him there. He asked me to help him up onto the ledge.”

“Holy shit,” Danny said, raking his fingers through his hair. “God… I can’t believe… Jesse, it’s so lucky you were there. He could have really… Rion could have…”

“You did the right thing,” Peter said. “Jesse… Thank you.”

The words were heartfelt. Peter clearly meant it. He didn’t seem surprised. He looked exactly how Jesse felt – tired.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Jesse said. “I couldn’t let him jump. That’s all there was to it.”

“Maybe,” Peter said. “But I’m still really grateful.”

“Yeah. Yeah, for sure,” Danny added, scrubbing at his face. “Geez… This is so messed up. This is… I need to sit down or something.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “I think I need to go home.”

After everything that happened, Jesse could only nod in agreement. He was so tired and done. He didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to have to imagine what Rion did or think about Amber being pregnant or…

He wanted to lie down and let his mind go blank. He wanted to scrub his head clear and try to sleep off these past few days.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Jesse said. “I’m exhausted…”

But even as he said it, Jesse caught sight of Celeste and Sarina who were just stepping out of the elevator down the hall. He blinked rapidly, not sure if he was imagining things.

What was Sarina doing here with Celeste?

“Hey!” Sarina called, spotting them and waving.

Both she and Celeste hurried over to them. Peter and Danny looked equally surprised to see them.

“Sarina?” Danny said and turned to Celeste. “What’s going on?”

“We wanted to talk to you about something,” Celeste said.

“What’s up with Rion?” Sarina added.

Even with the door to Rion’s room mostly closed, there was still one member of security standing outside the room. It was clear something was happening inside.

“Rion tried to jump off the hospital roof,” Jesse said, not mincing his words. “He’s suicidal.”

“What?” Celeste said, turning to him with wide eyes.

“No way!” Sarina added. “No! You’re kidding!”

“He’s not,” Peter said.

“Jesse just saved his life,” Danny said. “He carried him down from the roof.”

“Oh my God…” Celeste said, putting her hands to her mouth.

“Holy fuck,” Sarina added, balling up her hands into fists. “I can’t believe… Shit.”

“Let’s…go downstairs,” Peter said. “We can’t do much up here.”

They all got into the elevator and made their way down. It was a long, quiet ride, emotions thick.

None of them even bothered to try and get anything to eat or drink when they reached the main floor. They piled themselves in a corner table that was quickly becoming their regular spot.

“Rion really… He actually tried to jump?” Celeste said.

“I went up to the roof for air,” Jesse said. “He asked for a boost up onto the ledge.”

“He is so fucked,” Sarina spit out. “I hope they strap him down and send him to the fucking psych ward or whatever. I told him that people cared about him and that he was being fucking stupid.”

“…You did?” Danny said.

“Of course I did!” she snapped. “Have you seen what he did to himself? Diving into glass and getting all cut up for Noa… Who would be okay with that?!”

“You were the one who told him that Amber was pregnant,” Peter said.

Hearing it made Jesse’s stomach do an uncomfortable flip. He was trying not to think about it. He was doing his best to swallow his feelings down, but it was so, so hard…

“What?” Sarina said, frowning. “No, I… Didn’t he already know?”

“No,” Danny said, grimacing. “And because you said something about it, he asked me and Peter about it. I told him it was true, and then…then the second we had our backs turned, he went up to the roof.”

“He… Wait…” Sarina said, some of the anger melting out of her expression. She looked more hurt, concerned, her face going pale. “Are you saying it’s my fault? I made him try to…?”

“No,” Peter was quick to interject. “No, that isn’t your fault. Rion isn’t in a good place and I think the shock of hearing that Amber was pregnant… I think it was too much for him to handle. Dr. Maes is with him right now, along with security. Rion will get help.”

“God, I hope so,” Sarina said, scrubbing at her face. “He is so fucked. All of this is just so messed up. I can’t even…”

Danny reached out to rub her shoulder. “I know. I get it. We all feel the same.”

“You said you wanted to talk to us about something,” Jesse said. “When you first showed up…”

Celeste turned to Sarina, who glanced back at her. They both looked uncomfortable and hesitant to speak up.

“We talked,” Sarina said.

“Sarina pointed out that…that everything Rion does is for Noa…” Celeste said.

“Noa?” Peter said.

“Yeah,” Sarina said. “This whole story about Rion…electrocuting Amber… He wouldn’t do that. That’s not Rion. It’s like the whole stupid friendship bracelet shit. Rion was covering for Noa. He must be doing it for him again.”

“You mean, you think Noa did something to Amber?” Danny asked.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Peter said. “My parents confirmed that Amber was found in the bathtub. Noa wouldn’t have been able to put her there.”

“You’re not getting it,” Sarina said. “Yeah, Rion probably… He probably put her in the tub. He’s fucked up enough to do something that crazy. But I’m saying he did it for Noa.”

Jesse was already uncomfortable, forcing himself to stay seated and listen to them talk about Amber and her death. It made his skin crawl. It made him nauseous. Coupled with the fresh knowledge that Amber was pregnant…

But at the mention of Noa, his thoughts stalled. He was lost, confused, and had to take a minute, sitting there blinking fast.

It made a strange sort of sense to Jesse. Rion and Noa had always been close. They stuck by each other, did everything together. The friendship bracelet situation was proof enough of Rion’s mindset. But now that he thought about it, there were other examples…

One more thing. It was always one more thing.

“Noa wouldn’t hurt Amber,” Peter said.

“I know he wouldn’t hurt Amber,” Sarina said, thumping her fist down on the table. “But something happened that Rion thought he had to fix. And if he did what he said he did… How does that fix anything?! It could only make things worse and he had to know that!”

“I don’t think… I don’t think Rion would’ve hurt Amber either,” Celeste said. “He loved Amber. They both loved Amber. If Rion did what he did to fix things somehow…that means he thought doing something horrible was the only answer… He would only do something like that for Noa. Right?”

“I hate that you’re making a weird amount of sense,” Danny said, pulling his hand away from Sarina to let his elbows rest on the table.

“Then…what did Noa do?” Jesse asked.

They fell silent.

It had to be something bad, didn’t it? It had to be something terrible. Because Rion wouldn’t have done something so insane otherwise.

But Noa wouldn’t do anything to hurt Amber either.

It didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up.

“We have to ask Noa,” Peter finally said.

“Didn’t you try that?” Jesse said. “Didn’t he already refuse to talk about it?”

“I have to keep trying until he’s ready to tell me,” Peter said. “We could ask Rion, but I doubt he’ll say anything and we might not even be able to visit anymore. The two of them are the only ones who know what really happened to Amber.”

“And Rion will blame himself no matter what, while Noa will go mute,” Sarina said bitterly. “I don’t think either one of them will ever talk.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Peter said. “Because Rion already told us so much. Even if he’s blaming himself… We never would have learned what we did without him.”

“I don’t think anyone can keep that kind of secret forever,” Celeste said. “I think it hurts, emotionally. I think… I think that kind of thing is too much for anyone to keep to themselves.”

“I don’t know,” Sarina said. “Considering Rion just tried to jump off the roof… Like, fuck, if either one of them does something crazy like that, we’ll never have a chance to find out what really happened.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t know,” Jesse said.

Everyone turned to him. He immediately felt stupid for bringing it up.

“What are you saying?” Danny asked. “You don’t want to know?”

“I do, but at the same time, I regret everything that we’ve already found out,” he said, looking down, taking a painful breath. “I used to imagine that…that it was some horrible accident. I never tried to think about how Amber died. I wanted it to be something like smoke inhalation. I didn’t want her to have suffered. But now I know she was pregnant… I know that she hit her head and was electrocuted in a bathtub… I don’t even know if she was alive or dead when she was electrocuted, and… I don’t want to think about it. Why would I want to know that Noa might have done something too? Every time I find out something new it gets worse and worse and worse.”

He was trying not to cry but his vision was blurred by tears. It was hard to hold them back and he had to suck in another harsh, painful breath of air.

“I know that it’s hard,” Peter said, putting hand on his arm. “And if you don’t want to know anything else, I understand. But I need to know. If I stop, I’ll be left wondering what happened for the rest of my life.”

“I know,” Jesse said. “I know that. I’m just so tired of it being one thing after another. And if we aren’t finding out something horrible then we have Rion trying to kill himself. I… I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do,” Celeste said. “Other than try to understand…”

“Hey…”

Jesse turned along with the others to find Mr. Blum standing next to their table. He’d approached silently, still dressed in his winter coat. His face was pale, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

“Mr. Blum?” Peter said, getting to his feet.

When Peter got up, Jesse did too. It was reflex.

“I heard about what happened,” Mr. Blum said. “Jesse, they said you…you saved Rion…”

Jesse hadn’t expected to see Mr. Blum. He hadn’t been thinking about how everything might affect him. It wasn’t on his mind at all and now he felt lost.

“I guess so?” Jesse said weakly. His motivation for forcing Rion to live suddenly felt horribly selfish. “He… I grabbed him and brought him down…”

As he was talking, Mr. Blum walked over. And suddenly Jesse was pulled into a crushingly tight hug.

“Thank you. Jesse, thank you so much,” Mr. Blum said. “I almost lost him. You… I can’t thank you enough.”

Jesse was stunned. Slowly, hesitantly, he returned the hug.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to respond. He was totally caught off guard and all he could do was silently hug the man in return.

An unfamiliar feeling filled him. He didn’t have a name for it.

When Mr. Blum pulled back, he was teary eyed and shaky. Jesse felt the same, blinking fast, trying to get his emotions under control.

“Can we talk?” Mr. Blum said. “Can I get you a coffee or something?”

“Sure,” Jesse said, glancing at the others. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Chapter 83 – Jesse

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Jesse left the others to get a coffee with Mr. Blum. He didn’t really want coffee, but he wasn’t about to turn the man down.

It was sinking in that the entire situation was different for Mr. Blum. He’d almost lost Rion.

He’d almost lost his son.

Jesse had lost a child. He only just found out. It still hurt, still stung, especially when he was forced to think about it. And he’d lost Amber. And Rion had played some part in all of that. It created a horrible mixture of emotions that ate away at him in waves.

But Jesse hadn’t had the chance to know the child he and Amber could have had and raised and loved. Mr. Blum had raised Rion. He’d lived with him, gotten to know him, loved him. Even if he was absent…

It was a different kind of pain, but Jesse understood. He didn’t want to know what it was like, but he understood in a way he wouldn’t have before today. It left him empty and aching.

They picked out a table away from the others. Jesse figured they’d need to talk. He still didn’t know what to say but after everything that happened, he was sure that Mr. Blum needed to talk to someone.

Jesse felt like he needed to talk to someone too. These feelings were all too familiar and he knew how easily they could spiral out of control.

“They won’t let me see Rion just yet,” Mr. Blum said. “They told me they wanted to move Rion. They want to make sure he doesn’t… You know…”

“Try to hurt himself again?” Jesse said and Mr. Blum nodded. “Um, well, the Murphys can visit Noa, so I’m sure you’ll be able to see him soon.”

Then they both fell silent.

It was hard to talk to Mr. Blum. Rion’s dad wasn’t someone that Jesse was close to. He’d only seen him in passing these past six years and even before then, they usually only saw each other when Mr. Blum was picking Rion up or dropping him off somewhere.

Amber used to say that she was worried about Mr. Blum. Sometimes he wasn’t home until late, or late for when they were kids – nine or ten at night. When Amber talked about him, she gave the impression that Mr. Blum was sad and hurt and alone.

Jesse hadn’t understood then, but he understood now. He felt lost, directionless, and even though he was finding out the truth about what happened to Amber…

It didn’t make things better. It made the pain fresh again.

“I’m sorry,” Mr. Blum finally said.

“What for?” Jesse asked.

“Amber… She was your girlfriend, wasn’t she?” Mr. Blum said. “I remember… I never went to her funeral. Rion went with the Murphys, and… I guess you could say I’m a coward.”

His smile was bitter. He fiddled with his coffee.

“You don’t need to apologize for that,” Jesse said. He didn’t know where this was coming from or why Mr. Blum would bring up Amber. He probably barely knew her, like he barely knew Jesse. “I hardly even remember her funeral and I was there.”

He remembered crying a lot. He remembered all the horrible feelings that ate at him, how it had been hard to even speak to anyone. When he’d gone home, he’d hid in his room and refused to eat and barely existed as a miserable mess for at least a day or two.

He would happily do that right now. And he hated that he felt that way.

“But you loved her,” Mr. Blum said. “Right?”

“Of course,” Jesse said without hesitation.

“This is an excuse, but I couldn’t bring myself to go,” he said. “I thought of Dawn and her funeral and I… I couldn’t do it. I’m horrible at funerals. I went to work instead. I ran away.”

And Jesse could relate to that. He didn’t think he could bear to go to another funeral for years and years.

“I’m horrible at funerals too,” Jesse said.

“Maybe I should have gone,” Mr. Blum said. “Or I should have taken Rion. He was having a really hard time back then, and I should have… I don’t know. I would ask him how he was doing and he’d say he was fine, but… I knew he wasn’t okay. I thought maybe he needed space. I should have paid more attention. I should have been home more often and talked to him… I’m a terrible father.”

Jesse didn’t know what to say to that. It didn’t feel like a conversation they should be having. It felt too strange and personal. He raised his coffee, taking a sip.

It was too hot. His mouth stung.

“I don’t know about that,” Jesse said after an uncomfortable silence.

“I don’t think Rion would be in such a bad place if I had been there for him more,” Mr. Blum said. He teared up and took a napkin to scrub at his eyes. “Sorry. I’m a mess.”

“That’s okay,” Jesse said. “There’s a lot going on…”

He briefly wondered if he should tell him what Rion said, about what he’d done to Amber. He quickly thought better of it.

Mr. Blum was probably better off not knowing. And what would he do with that knowledge anyway? It wouldn’t change anything. It would only make him more miserable, like the rest of them.

Amber was still dead. Their baby was still gone.

“I can’t thank you enough,” Mr. Blum said. “Really. I don’t know what I would have done if Rion had… If he’d jumped. I don’t know… I already lost Dawn. If I lost Rion too…”

And Jesse felt that. He knew exactly what Mr. Blum meant. Because it was the same for him. He’d lost everything.

Jesse hadn’t ever thought about how hard it must have been for Mr. Blum to have lost his wife. But it made sense to him now. And losing Rion…

Jesse felt guilty for telling Rion that he needed to live with what he’d done. But even if he said it out of pure selfishness, it was true. He’d say it again. And he’d do it again.

Saving Rion was the right thing to do. Even if he’d only done it selfishly.

“Rion… I think he’ll be okay. Eventually,” Jesse said, though he wasn’t sure how true his own words were. But he wanted to believe it and Mr. Blum needed to hear it. “He can get all the help he needs, and… You’re here now. Even if you think you’re a bad parent… I mean, as long as Rion’s alive, you can try and fix that. Right?”

“God, I hope so,” Mr. Blum said.

“Oh, there you are!” a warm, feminine voice said.

It was Dr. Maes. She came over at a quick pace, clipboard in hand.

“I was looking for you, Hart,” Dr. Maes said.

“Is Rion all right?” Mr. Blum said, already out of his seat and fully alert.

“Yes. We moved him,” Dr. Maes said. “I’d like to talk to you if you have time…”

She glanced between him and Jesse, who was getting to his feet.

“I should get back to the others,” Jesse said. “You… Good luck, Mr. Blum. I hope everything’s okay.”

“Thank you, Jesse,” Mr. Blum said, his words heartfelt. “Take care.”

“You too,” Jesse said.

Chapter 84 – Noa

Friday, October 8, 2004

Noa’s restrictions were being lowered.

He was allowed meals with plastic spoons now, and he’d upgraded from charcoal and pastels to markers. He wasn’t a fan of markers so, with a choice between the two, he stuck with the charcoals. He also didn’t need to have a nurse in the room watching him anymore.

Noa was sure that Dr. Maes had something to do with it. He was having regular sessions with her. He was still tight lipped around some subjects, but they were talking.

Dr. Maes said that he needed more social interaction. She made a new rule, allowing him up to three visitors at a time from a list Noa had to make himself. It wasn’t hard for him to do since there were only so many people he wanted to see.

Rion was the first on the list, even though Dr. Maes said he might not be able to come. Then he put down Danny, Jesse, and Celeste.

He also specifically added that Sarina wasn’t allowed to visit. He didn’t want to see her at all.

Despite making the list yesterday, only his aunt and uncle came to see him. Noa wasn’t disappointed but he was a little surprised. He would have expected everyone to come visit right away. But maybe it was for the best that they didn’t.

Thursday was quiet and Friday was even quieter.

Noa was getting tired of drawing. He lacked good references, and his art supplies were limited. He had pages stacked up and he continued to scribble away on blank sheets. But it wasn’t enough.

He was starting to consider asking Gary for some TV time. The man had offered to wheel in a TV before, and he was beginning to think that was a good idea. He didn’t have games and watching something would pass the time between doctors and visitors.

When Peter came to visit, Noa was so bored that he was happy to see him.

“Hey,” Peter said.

Noa gave him a small wave as Peter pulled up a chair.

“Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie aren’t with you?” Noa asked.

“They said they’d come after. They ran into Mr. Blum when we got here. They wanted to talk.”

“Oh. Okay.”

There was a piece of charcoal in Noa’s hands. He’d been sketching out a zebra before Peter got here, but the picture was half smudged already. He rolled the charcoal between his fingers, scrapping at it with his nails.

“Been drawing?” Peter said.

“Mm,” Noa hummed. “Oh. I can have more visitors now. Dr. Maes said so.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Peter said. “The others will be happy to hear that.”

There was a pause. Noa set the charcoal down on the table. He rubbed his blackened fingertips together. He was used to his hands being smudged with shades and colours over the last few days. He was starting to like it, but he still missed his pencils.

“I want to talk to you about what happened to Amber,” Peter said.

“No,” Noa said without any hesitation.

“I need to do this, Noa,” Peter said. “I know Rion told us part of the truth. But you know something and you haven’t told me. I need to know what it is.”

Noa shook his head. Peter’s expression hardened.

“Rion tried to kill himself.”

Noa froze, staring at Peter. A horrible mix of emotions prickled in his chest. Fear, horror, desperation…

“You’re lying,” Noa said.

“I’m not,” Peter said. “He went up to the roof and tried to jump. Jesse saved him.”

The roof.

Rion tried to…

No. That wasn’t right. It couldn’t be true.

Noa was dizzy. Some horrible unnamed feeling ran through his whole body. He felt like he could puke.

Noa shook head. “Rion wouldn’t… He… No…”

But maybe Rion would.

What if it was true? What if he really did try to jump? What if…?

When they fought, Noa told Rion to go away. Did he take it that seriously? Did he think that Noa wanted him gone forever?

Was this his fault too?

“Rion’s really struggling,” Peter said. “It would help if you would tell us what’s going on. Rion already told us what happened to Amber. Mom and Dad confirmed it.”

“They weren’t there,” Noa said.

“No, but the police talked to them back when Amber… After the fire. They knew things we didn’t,” Peter said. “Amber was found in the bathtub. She hit her head, and the blow dryer was in the tub with her. That’s what started the fire. Rion told us she slipped and fell and that he put her in the tub with the blow dryer. The story lines up perfectly. It makes sense.”

Noa didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember. It made his skin crawl.

He glanced down, picking under his fingernails to try and get the charcoal out from underneath.

His heart was pounding. His head was pounding. Blood was drumming in his ears.

Rion needed him.

“It’s not his fault,” Noa said. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He… Rion was…”

It was to protect him. Rion wanted to protect him and that was why he’d done it. He never would have otherwise. Noa knew that.

Amber was already dead when Rion put her in the bathtub. Noa killed her by pushing her down the slope. He was so sure. He was wrong, not Rion.

“You need to tell us what happened,” Peter insisted. “This is really serious. Rion is hurting. Everyone is hurting. We need the truth.”

But the truth…

It was ugly. It was messy.

If Noa told them what he’d done, there was a chance they’d still be angry at Rion for doing something so horrible. Noa couldn’t risk that, especially if Rion was trying to kill himself. He couldn’t do that to his best friend. Never.

If Noa could take all the blame, he would. He wanted to. He wanted to tell the truth and say it was all him and that he killed Amber.

But he couldn’t deny that Amber had been in the bathtub. And Noa would never have done that himself. No one would believe that he did. He didn’t have an explanation that didn’t implicate Rion.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say anything.

Words were poison.

“I don’t remember,” Noa said, looking down.

“I think that’s a lie,” Peter said.

“It’s not.”

“You said you didn’t want to talk about it. You said it wasn’t Rion’s fault. You wouldn’t say all that if you didn’t remember what happened.”

“I just know it wasn’t Rion’s fault. He’s a good person. I can’t remember anything else so why would I want to talk about it?”

“Noa,” Peter said, his voice going hard and stern. He hardly ever used that tone. “I’m going to keep asking every day until you tell me the truth.”

“Why?” Noa said, his voice rising. “It’s not like the truth matters.”

“What are you talking about? Of course it matters.”

Noa shook his head. “It doesn’t. It never does. You’ll just believe whatever you want no matter what I say.”

“What? Why would you think that?” Peter said.

“Because it’s true,” Noa said. “That’s why there’s no point in talking at all. Everyone’s already decided what they think the answer is. People only hear what they want to.”

“That’s not true,” Peter said. “That’s not true at all.”

“It’s not?” Noa said. “Rion told you a story and you decided it was true. You asked your parents, and you decided to believe what they told you. You took both those stories and decided something was missing and now you’re asking me. You already have your answer. Anything I say doesn’t matter.”

“That’s not true,” Peter said. “I’m looking at the facts, at what I know to be true. I know I’m missing something–”

“I told you I don’t remember.”

“And you’re lying.”

“You’re only saying that because you made up an answer in your head and decided I know that answer,” Noa said stubbornly.

Of course, Peter was right. Noa was lying. He did have the answers. He did know the truth.

But Noa knew he wasn’t wrong either. Peter might have come to the right conclusion and he had good reasons to think what he did. But he already made up his mind. And if he made up his mind, Noa didn’t want to say anything. Because it would hurt Rion.

“I…” Peter began and then he stopped. He scowled, clearly frustrated with Noa’s logic. “I decided what I did because of the conflicting things you’ve said. Not for any other reason.”

“So?” Noa said. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already decided what’s true. So why should I say anything?”

“Because I want to hear it from you,” Peter said. “Because I know that you know something and you aren’t telling me what it is. We’re all hurting and we need answers. You have those answers.”

“I don’t,” Noa said, shaking his head stubbornly. “I don’t remember.”

“Noa…”

“That’s my answer. If you don’t like it, there’s nothing I can do.”

Peter closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

“Fine,” he said when he opened his eyes. “That’s fine. I’ll ask again tomorrow. If you really don’t remember, then maybe you will eventually. So I’ll keep asking.”

“What?” Noa said, blinking.

“I’m not going to stop,” Peter said. “If you say you don’t remember, then maybe you don’t. But you could remember, and if you do, you can tell me then.”

Noa was baffled by Peter’s sheer amount of stubbornness. He didn’t even know what to say to that. He couldn’t argue.

So instead, he looked away, picking at his blackened fingers some more.

“Rion’s only a couple doors down from you,” Peter said. “I thought you would want to know.”

Noa did want to know. He glanced back up.

“He’s close?” Noa asked.

“Very close,” Peter said. “But you probably won’t be able to meet for a while. They need to take care of him. Dr. Maes is going to be working with him.”

“But you think they might let me see him? Eventually?” Noa asked, feeling a small sliver of hope.

“I think so,” Peter said. “You’re healing. You’re getting better. You’re even talking a lot more than you used to. You’ll probably be discharged first, and once you’re out…you can probably see him.”

Noa couldn’t crush the growing bud of hope that was blooming inside him. But still, he was going to confirm all of that with Dr. Maes first.

He wanted to see Rion. They needed to talk.

Chapter 85 – Celeste

Friday, April 11, 1997

“Stupid piece of string…” Sarina growled under her breath, fighting with her tangled fingers.

“Want some help?” Celeste offered.

“No!” Sarina said stubbornly. “I want to get good at it! That means I have to practice.”

The three of them were hanging out in the Murphys’ backyard, sitting on the back step. They were working on their friendship bracelets so that they could hand them out at Danny’s birthday.

Amber and Celeste already had a few bracelets done but Sarina was struggling. She was still learning, and she was impatient about it, always getting angry when she made a mistake or it didn’t turn out right. Amber and Celeste tried their best to help, but Sarina was adamant about doing it herself.

Amber chuckled. “You can get practice and still have help. You don’t need to do it alone.”

“It’s fine,” Sarina insisted, expression pinched in concentration. “I want to get good. I want to get really good so I can make a bunch of bracelets for Noa.”

Celeste glanced up and met Amber’s eye. They shared a smile. Sarina’s crush on Noa was so unbearably obvious.

And Noa was so unbearably oblivious. But he was still a kid so that wasn’t a surprise.

Sarina and Noa weren’t like Jesse and Amber who’d both had crushes on each other growing up. Celeste could remember Jesse running around picking flowers for Amber constantly in preschool, gathering up dandelions and getting so sad when they closed up before he could hand them to her.

Amber and Jesse were the mom and dad when they played house. Amber would be the princess and Jesse would be the prince. They were always a matching set.

Noa and Sarina were worlds apart, by comparison.

“You should get into video games,” Amber said.

Sarina finally glanced up from her tangled attempt at a friendship bracelet.

“My parents won’t get me any,” she said. “Mom and Dad say they’re too expensive. Travis even asked and they said no. And they get him everything because he’s older and a boy.”

“Then come over and play some of ours,” Amber said. “Noa loves games. I bet he’d like to play with you.”

It finally clicked for Sarina. She perked right up. Celeste put a hand to her mouth to cover her smile.

“You really think so?” Sarina asked.

“He plays a lot of games with Rion and Peter, doesn’t he?” Celeste said. “You should ask him to play sometime.”

Sarina looked hopeful but her expression quickly soured.

“I bet he would make me play with Rion too,” Sarina said, picking at a knot. “I don’t want to play with Rion.”

“Why not?” Amber asked.

And, really, Celeste wanted to know the answer too. Sarina seemed to be jealous of Rion, which was silly. Rion was Noa’s best friend and since Sarina liked Noa, the three of them should like spending time together. But Sarina never wanted to.

Actually, in Celeste’s opinion, it seemed like Sarina was hurting her relationship with Noa because she kept pushing Rion away.

“Rion’s annoying,” Sarina complained, setting down her unfinished bracelet. “He’s always with Noa and they do everything together. Even at school! And if Rion doesn’t want to do something, Noa doesn’t either.”

“Well, they’re best friends,” Celeste said. “You spend a lot of time with Danny and Monique, don’t you? It’s the same thing.”

“No, it’s not. It’s totally different,” Sarina said. “If Danny or Monique don’t want to do something, I just do what I want on my own. And I’ll hang out with Danny or Monique. Noa and Rion are always together. They hold hands all the time too. Eric says it’s gay.”

“What?” Celeste said, blinking.

“That’s mean,” Amber was quick to say, her expression concerned. “Never say that to someone, okay Sarina? It’s bad.”

Sarina looked up at them. She was frowning, looking confused.

“Lots of people say it,” Sarina said. “People call dumb stuff ‘gay’ all the time. Doesn’t it just mean happy or something?”

“No. No, it doesn’t,” Amber said. “Not if it’s coming from Eric Yates.”

“Listen,” Celeste said gently. “It’s mean to call someone gay, okay Sarina? You shouldn’t call people names.”

“But everyone calls everything gay,” Sarina said. “What does it mean?”

“It means…” Celeste began. She hesitated. “Maybe that’s something you should ask your parents.”

“Gay means boys who like boys or girls who like girls,” Amber said.

“Huh?” Sarina said, glancing between them. “What do you mean? Like…dating?”

“Yes. Like dating,” Amber said. “Boys who date boys and girls who–”

“Ew!” Sarina said, dropping her bracelet to cover her face with her hands. “Gross!”

Amber smiled. “It’s not gross. But you shouldn’t call someone gay. It’s not nice.”

“Noa… Noa’s not…” Sarina began, peeking through her fingers. Her whole face was red. “Eric’s such a jerk! Why would he say that?!”

“Don’t worry about it, Sarina,” Celeste said.

“Yeah,” Amber said. “Just be nice to other people and don’t call them names. Don’t be mean.”

“I’d never say something like that to Noa,” Sarina said. She was still blushing as she picked up her bracelet. “I know he’d never like boys.”

“Forget about that. You know what I think?” Amber said. “You should try to make friends with Rion.”

Sarina flashed her a look. “Why would I do that?”

“Because Rion doesn’t have any other friends,” Amber said. “I think he wants to spend time with Noa because he doesn’t have anyone else to spend time with.”

“That’s true,” Celeste said. “When he’s not with Noa, he’s usually by himself.”

“That’s because he’s weird,” Sarina said.

“Weird? How’s that?” Amber said.

“He just is,” Sarina said. “Everyone says so. Eric says he’s a spoiled jerk who’s…well…gay. And he says he doesn’t share his things. And Rion has all the cool new stuff, and he hardly ever brings it to school. And if Noa isn’t there, he just sits by himself or plays on the swings at recess.”

“Maybe he’s lonely,” Amber said.

“I’m like that too sometimes,” Celeste said. “I can get shy and I don’t know what to say to other people, even if I like them.”

“No. Rion’s different,” Sarina said decisively, shaking her head. “He gets into trouble too.”

“Trouble? Rion?” Amber said with a smile. “I know I call them Double Trouble, but Noa and Rion are both really nice. They’re just enthusiastic about stuff and have a lot of energy. Kind of like Danny. Even Peter can get full of energy and turn into a maniac – just feed him some sugar.”

“Well, Rion gets into trouble at school. He forgets his homework all the time,” Sarina said. “He’s wrecked Noa’s stuff before too.”

“If he did, it was probably an accident,” Celeste said.

“And Noa wrecks his own stuff,” Amber added. “It happens a lot. Yesterday, he ripped up one of his drawings and got really upset about it. He’s…”

She stopped and then waved a hand dismissively.

“Noa has problems with stuff sometimes,” she said.

“Because his dad tried to drown him?” Sarina said with a frown.

“You shouldn’t say it like that. Noa would get upset if he heard you,” Amber said.

“But that’s what happened. Everyone says so,” Sarina said. “His dad beat his mom to death and then tried to drown Noa in the bathtub. The police came and stopped him and saved Noa.”

That was what everyone said, but only someone Sarina’s age would be so blunt about it. Celeste didn’t like thinking about it. It made her uncomfortable. Talking so plainly… She couldn’t do it.

Celeste heard about that kind of stuff on the news, but it was different when you knew someone that it really happened to. Amber told her about how it affected Noa and how he had all kinds of problems. It was probably even why he wrecked his stuff. He might seem okay most of the time, but he was struggling.

And the worst part was that Noa couldn’t remember anything right. When people talked about his dad, he always got upset. His own memories were repressed or something and he couldn’t remember his dad trying to drown him. His thoughts were all mixed up.

“Even if other people talk about it, you should really be careful about what you say,” Amber told Sarina. “Noa gets really hurt and upset.”

“I don’t get that,” Sarina said. “Why would he? His dad is evil.”

“But Noa’s dad is still his dad,” Amber said. “Just like how your dad is your dad.”

Sarina wrinkled her nose. “But it’s totally different.”

“Not for Noa,” Amber said. “Because part of him is like his dad too, you know? And even if Noa only has the good parts, it makes him feel bad if you remind him of all the bad parts. Talking bad about his dad is like talking bad about Noa. It hurts his feelings. And you don’t want to hurt Noa, right?”

Amber was talking like her mom. Celeste heard the same kinds of things from Mrs. Murphy before. She admired them both for it.

Celeste loved her mom, and they got along great. But her mom got scared and shy like she did. Mrs. Murphy and Amber were great at putting their feelings into words. It wasn’t something Celeste was used to, but she liked it. She wanted to be like that too.

Sarina stopped and thought about it for a second. “No, I don’t want to hurt Noa… I want him to be really, really happy.”

“I know it can be hard,” Amber said. “But you need to try and be careful about what you say. Words can hurt people.”

“It’s just ‘sticks and stones’ in the saying,” Sarina said.

“That saying is dumb,” Celeste said. “I never liked it.”

“Yeah,” Amber said. “Sometimes, you can ignore what people say. But sometimes you can’t. And if it hurts, then it hurts.”

“I guess… I’ll try to be more careful,” Sarina said. “I don’t want to hurt Noa.”

The back door to the house banged open. It swung too hard and fast, smacking into Amber’s arm.

“Ow! Hey!” she started, half-turning.

Noa and Rion had stumbled out of the house in a breathless rush. Noa still had his hand outstretched from having barrelled through the door. He was frozen in place.

“Oh, Noa,” Amber said, her tone changing immediately. “What are you doing?”

“We came looking for you. Supper’s ready,” Rion said.

“Okay,” Celeste said, starting to put away their bracelet-making supplies. “We’ll be there in a minute.”

“Are you okay?” Noa asked Amber in a tiny voice.

“What? Oh, it’s fine,” Amber said, rubbing her arm. Then she grinned, getting to her feet. “I thought you were Peter for a second. You surprised me.”

But when she pulled her hand back, she glanced at it. Celeste could see spots of red and taking another look at Amber’s arm, the door had scraped her pretty badly.

“I guess I’d better wash that,” Amber said. “The door bit me.”

“I’m sorry…” Noa said.

He sounded horrified and when Celeste looked at him, she realized that Noa looked horrified too. He was wide eyed and pale as pale could be. Rion noticed too, quickly stepping forward.

“It’s my fault,” Rion said. “We raced down the hallway, and I ran into Noa on the way out. We didn’t know you were on the steps… Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It was an accident,” Amber said. “It just stings a bit–”

Noa flung himself at her, hugging her tight around the middle.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!” he said into her shirt.

“Noa, I’m fine,” Amber said, hugging Noa back. “It’s okay. It’s nothing.”

“It was an accident,” Sarina added.

“That’s right,” Amber said. “I’d never be mad at you for something that was an accident. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to.”

“But I hurt you,” Noa said, still clutching at her.

Amber let out a small laugh, patting him on the back. “It’s just a scrape. Relax.”

When Noa pulled back, he was all teary eyed. Celeste felt embarrassed on his behalf. She went through her things quickly and found some folded up tissues.

“Here,” she said, holding them out to Noa. He didn’t take them, using his sleeve to scrub at his face instead.

“It’s okay,” Rion added. “Amber said so. And it was my fault anyway. I’m really, really sorry…”

“Seriously, it was an accident,” Amber said. “Accidents happen. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah,” Sarina added. “It’s okay, Noa.”

She went over and pulled him into a hug. Noa didn’t seem to like it, squirming out of her grip only after a few seconds.

“Y-you’re sure it’s okay?” Noa said to Amber.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Come on. Let’s go inside and get cleaned up.”

Chapter 86 – Rion

Friday, October 8, 2004

Rion was caught in a whirlwind of movement and people.

After Jesse brought him back to his room, there was complete chaos until they moved him. Even the move to his new room wasn’t much better. Everyone treated the situation so seriously. He couldn’t do anything to stop the whirlwind around him and his protests fell on deaf ears.

There wasn’t a window in the new room and the only furniture was a bed which had a frame molded into the floor. He wasn’t tied up or restrained, but he wasn’t given anything sharp and there was a nurse in the room with him. He’d been told several times that there was security just outside the door.

Dr. Maes came to see him, then his dad. Rion didn’t have much to say to either of them. He didn’t feel ready to talk. He tried to give some weak assurances, tried to lie, fake a smile and tell them that he was okay and just had a little overreaction. No one believed him. His dad hugged him and cried for a long time.

Rion felt the worst about that.

But then it got late. He slept and woke the next day.

He forced himself to eat what they brought for breakfast. It was a mistake. He threw up. Then he felt disgusting and embarrassed that someone had to come in and clean up after him.

Rion didn’t understand why Jesse dragged him down from the roof.

Jesse should want him dead, right? He should have been fine with it. He should have understood. Why would he want someone like Rion out in the world, living his life like everyone else? All he had to do was boost Rion onto the ledge and walk away.

Jesse said to live with it… Maybe he thought Rion deserved to suffer more? There was some truth to that, but it would be easier for everyone if he was gone.

If Rion could get out of the hospital, he supposed he could throw himself at Eric. Things were muddied with Sarina, but Eric and Kyle were something else. They would jump at the chance to hurt him. He just had to piss them off enough, to make them hurt him more than normal. It would be like adding gasoline to a fire.

But that was assuming he could get out of the hospital. It didn’t seem like it was going to happen any time soon.

He didn’t have a way to fix anything. He kept screwing everything up. He couldn’t do the right thing. He couldn’t make anyone happy.

He couldn’t do anything else for Noa.

Rion couldn’t see Noa. He couldn’t talk to him. He could only hope the others wouldn’t tell him Amber had been pregnant. He didn’t think they would, but he couldn’t be sure of anything anymore. It was out of his control.

At least everyone could hate Rion now. It was obvious how horrible he was. Even if they found out about what Noa did, about how Amber slipped, Rion still did something worse than that. As horrible as he was, he’d given Noa one final piece of protection.

They couldn’t hate Noa. He’d made sure of that.

So…

That was it.

Rion couldn’t do anything else. He was out of options. All he could do was sit and see nurses and doctors and be sick over breakfast.

When Dr. Maes stopped by, Rion didn’t want to see her. But he didn’t see the point of turning her away either. Fighting was useless, so he resigned himself to discomfort.

“Hello, Rion,” she said, taking a seat next to him on the bed. She didn’t even risk bringing an extra chair with her. “Are you up for a chat?”

“Not really,” he admitted.

He’d taken to picking at his bandages. They’d wrapped him up even better than last time. He didn’t pull anything off again, even though he wanted to see his scar and stitches. Now more than ever.

It was a reminder of Noa. And he didn’t know when he would see Noa again.

“Should I come back later?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion shook his head. “There’s no point.”

“Your comfort is the point,” Dr. Maes told him. “If you’re not ready to talk, then you’re not ready. That's why our last talk was so short.”

“It’s not that I’m not ready. We just want different things.”

“I want you to get better, to feel better. You don’t want that?”

“I don’t think it’s possible.”

Dr. Maes was silent for a moment and then asked, “Do you want to talk about what happened on the roof?”

“Not really,” Rion said. Then he thought about it. “It was really nice up there. It was too cold, but… The view was great.”

“You can see the whole town from up there,” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can. It was… Yeah.”

Thinking about it made him emotional. Which was dumb, but he couldn’t help it. He blinked rapidly to stop any tears from building up.

“Last time, you told me you were overreacting,” Dr. Maes said. “Do you still feel that way?”

“Not exactly,” he said. “I mean… Fine. I’m not okay. I can admit that. I’m fucked. But there’s no fixing it, and I… I don’t know what to do. I hate it.”

“What can’t be fixed?”

“Just… Everything.”

“That’s pretty vague. I think there’s a lot going on right now. We’ve had several conversations and I’m sure there’s some specific things that are bothering you.”

She was right. Rion told her pretty much everything. He told her that he was gay and it didn’t bother her. She didn’t find him gross or weird or anything like that. And it was…

It was really nice. He felt better around her than most people.

“I was told something I didn’t know,” Rion admitted.

“Who told you?”

“Peter… Well, Sarina too. But I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Peter confirmed it.”

“And what did they say?”

Rion closed his eyes, trying to stay composed. Just thinking about it made him miserable. He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to make it any more real than it already was.

“Amber…” he started and heaved a breath. “Amber was pregnant. She was… And I… What I did was already so fucked, but… I didn’t know! I didn’t…”

Logically, he knew that even if he had known, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. Would he have still put Amber in the tub with the blow dryer? Maybe. Maybe not. She’d been hurt really bad. He thought she was dead. And he’d been so scared for Noa.

But it made his skin crawl. It made him hate himself more than he already did. Because it didn’t matter that he didn’t know. He’d still done it.

“I knew.”

Rion blinked and looked up at Dr. Maes.

“You… What?” he said.

“I knew Amber was pregnant,” she said. “I’ve talked to the Murphys.”

“You… You knew this whole time?” Rion said.

“I did.”

Rion stared at her. He felt…strange. He was thrown off. It stung and left him feeling lost and sick, but…

She knew this whole time? And she didn’t hate him? She’d been so nice to him…

How?

“But… You get it, right?” Rion asked her, voice wavering. “You know that I’m… You know.”

“I know you’re Noa’s best friend and that you’d do anything for him,” Dr. Maes said. “Maybe you’d even do too much for Noa. But it comes from a good place. And I know that you loved Amber. I can tell. I know that you never meant to hurt her.”

“But I still did,” Rion said, vision swimming with tears. “I killed Amber. And I killed her baby. I… I’m horrible. I’m worse than horrible.”

“You did a bad thing,” Dr. Maes said. “You did an awful thing. And it hurts.”

“Don’t you think I deserve to die?” Rion asked.

“No, I don’t.”

“Why? I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“When you die, you leave people behind. You might not feel like they care, but they do. Your father would be devastated if he lost you. Noa would be heartbroken. All your friends would irreversibly hurt. When you take your own life, it always has an impact on other people.”

“But… But my dad would just go back to work, and… Noa doesn’t want me around anymore. The others hated me for six years, and… They wouldn’t care if I was gone.”

“You’re wrong.”

“How can you be so sure?” Rion asked, reaching up to scrub away the tears that escaped. “How can you know?”

“I talked to your father. He told me over and over that he didn’t know what he would do if something happened to you,” Dr. Maes said. “He’s very hurt. He’s very worried. He loves you a lot. He dropped everything to be here. And your friends… They can’t all come and see you, but I know they’ve visited as much as they can. They’re very worried too. And Noa has been asking after you since he first came here. He wants to see you more than anything.”

“But…” Rion began.

His words failed him. His thoughts were too jumbled. He wanted to deny it.

It couldn’t be true.

“Jesse saved your life,” Dr. Maes said. “He wants you to live. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”

“He said… He said I need to live with what I’ve done…” Rion said, voice wavering.

“Is he wrong?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with it. I hate myself. It’s been really hard for so long…”

He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. He was miserable. He hated it. And to top it off, he began to feel so guilty. He began to feel like he was being a selfish jerk, feeling sorry for himself. Because he was, right? That’s what he was doing right now…

He shouldn’t complain. He should shut up and deal with it. It was his fault. That’s what he deserved.

He deserved to be hunted down by Sarina and her friends. He deserved to be called names and slurs. He deserved to be beat up. He deserved to be hated.

He didn’t deserve friends or comfort or any of that.

“Rion, can you do me a favour?” Dr. Maes asked.

It was a strange request, because of where he was and how things were. He blinked up at her, eyes damp and cheeks wet.

“What?” he said.

“I want you to tell me everything,” she said. “Just vent. Just let it all out. Because I think that you’ve been feeling a lot for a long time and you’ve been holding it all in. Do you think you could do that?”

“I don’t know where to start,” he said.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “Start anywhere.”

“But I’d just be feeling sorry for myself.”

“Sometimes we have to feel sorry for ourselves. It doesn’t need to be all the time, just for a little bit. And sometimes when you talk about it, you realize why you’re upset. I think you should try.”

Rion wasn’t sure he should. He felt bad for it, guilty. But at the same time, he had ten million things to say. And Dr. Maes was safe. He could tell her. She knew everything anyway. Really, he would be repeating what she already knew.

He closed his eyes, clenching his hands into fists, taking a breath.

He opened his mouth and started to talk.

Chapter 87 – Peter

Saturday, October 9, 2004

Peter and his parents arrived at the hospital on Saturday. Peter already felt tired, preparing himself for the inevitable struggle he was about to have with Noa.

There was more to the story. Noa had done something. And whatever he did, it tied into what happened to Amber. Noa was fighting to keep it secret, and Rion was willing to die for it.

This wasn’t going to be easy. Noa was the most stubborn person Peter knew. When he made a decision, he clung to it. Getting him to change his mind was like trying to beat down a steel wall with your bare fists.

Still, Peter had to try. He was ready to come back every day and ask Noa what he remembered.

And maybe after, he would see if he could visit Rion.

Peter was still upset. Knowing the truth wasn’t easy. A painful, disgusted feeling would pass through him whenever he thought too hard about what Rion did.

But Rion nearly ended his own life. That knowledge muted the disgust, adding bitterness and frustration to Peter’s mixed emotions.

Rion needed support right now. And Peter wasn’t sure if anyone else was visiting. It was probably just Mr. Blum. And if Rion had done what he did for Noa, that was even more reason to try to help.

“Did you get enough sleep, Peter?” his mom asked. “You look pale.”

“I’m okay,” he said. “I’m just worn down.”

“It’s the weekend,” his dad said. “You can leave early if you need to. Maybe it would be good to unwind with some video games.”

“Yeah,” Peter said. That sounded like a great idea. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

They were headed for the elevators when they stopped short. Peter’s mom came to a halt first, but then he saw where she was looking. Peter stopped next to her alongside his father.

Was that…?

Keiko Murata, Noa’s aunt, was standing just a few meters ahead of them.

Peter recognized her. She’d come to visit a few times, usually bringing her oldest sons with her. But they weren’t with her now. There was a man standing with her instead.

Peter recognized him. Even if he only had old family photos and childhood memories to help him put a name to the face.

Makoto Igarashi.

Noa’s dad.

Peter tensed, still frozen in place. His mind tried to catch up, tried to understand. Why was he here? How?

“Mom…” Peter started.

“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s okay, Peter. Just…”

Noa’s family spotted them. Keiko gave them a small wave, as if everything was normal and they were meant to be there. Makoto didn’t offer the same greeting, standing stiff and silent, watching them.

It reminded Peter too much of Noa.

Noa took after his father a lot. It was blindingly obvious the longer Peter stared at him. They had plenty of the same features, that same sharpened gaze. Noa’s wasn’t as cold and hard as Makoto’s, but…

“Keiko,” his mom said, stepping forward with a stiff smile. “This is…unexpected.”

“Good afternoon, Elaine,” Keiko said. Her English was perfect, but she had a noticeable accent, especially with her ‘L’s and ‘R’s. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Mom said. “I thought you were in Japan?”

“We heard that Noa was hospitalized,” Keiko said with a strained smile. “We came as soon as we could.”

“I thought we agreed to wait,” Elaine said.

The comment was directed more at Makoto. He didn’t even blink.

“I’ve waited a long time,” he said.

If he had an accent, Peter didn’t hear it. His voice was low and serious, the way Noa’s got when he was upset. It sent alarm bells off in Peter’s head.

He wanted to grab his mom and pull her away. He knew who this man was, what he did. It was making his skin crawl. It took every bit of self-control to stand there next to him.

Peter only felt marginally better when his dad took a step closer to his mom, hovering next to her shoulder. Peter stayed close too.

“Now is really not a good time,” Mom said. “Noa’s been going through a lot. He’s been struggling, and–”

“You’ve said that,” Makoto said. “You’ve told me again and again that it isn’t a good time and that Noa isn’t ready. He’s in the hospital. He’s hurt. What if he died? Would it have been a good time for me to see him then?”

“Whoa, whoa,” Dad said, holding up his hands. “It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Makoto said.

“Things have been very, very difficult since our daughter died,” Mom said.

The thought of Amber stung horribly, especially knowing who they were talking to.

This man killed Peter’s Aunt Wendy, his mom’s sister. And he tried to drown Noa.

How could he be allowed here? Even if he was out of jail, or whatever, there should be something to keep him away, right? He wanted to ask his parents, but now wasn’t the time. There was only so much they could do…

“Noa took Amber’s death really hard,” Dad said. “He hasn’t been talking until recently. We were hoping that he was improving. We wanted to arrange something soon.”

“Not soon enough,” Makoto said. “I’m not going to wait. Noa is my son. I’m going to see him now, today.”

“No!” Peter said.

He couldn’t help himself. The word left his lips before he could think. But he didn’t regret it. In fact, he stood straighter.

Peter was tall, almost a full head taller than Makoto. He wasn’t going to let himself be intimidated, even knowing what the man had done.

“Who says that Noa even wants to see you,” Peter said, while his mother put a hand on his arm, calling his name in an attempt to get him to back down. “You think my parents are lying? Noa’s had a really hard time! The last person he needs to see is you.”

“I disagree,” Makoto said, as if it were that simple.

“Peter,” his dad said, “hold on a minute.”

Peter didn’t want to ‘hold on’. He didn’t want to stand down. Why didn’t anyone get it? This man tried to drown Noa. He tried to kill him! And he’d killed his own wife! Why would anyone want him anywhere near Noa? How could his parents be so calm?!

“Why don’t we talk to Noa’s psychiatrist,” Peter’s mom said. There was a plea in her voice, and Peter hated it. “We can sort things out. She can tell you how Noa’s been doing. You can get an update.”

“I don’t want an update. I want to see him,” Makoto said. “Nothing you can say will change my mind.”

“Makoto…” his dad started but the man shook his head.

“No. Nothing you can say will convince me. I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. I’ve stayed away. I didn’t call. I didn’t write. I need to see Noa now. I’m done listening to you. It ends now.”

Makoto took a step forward, trying to go past them. Peter immediately stepped in his way, ready to do everything in his power to stop the man from reaching Noa.

“Peter, step aside,” Makoto said.

Despite feeling all sorts of weird at hearing his name come from Noa’s dad, Peter didn’t budge. Even though the way Makoto spoke reminded him of Noa in a strange, uncomfortable way.

Peter was taller than Makoto, but it seemed to mean nothing. The man had a gaze that could pierce right through anything.

“You hurt Noa. I won’t let you hurt him again,” Peter said.

“Peter, please,” his mom said, stepping over and grabbing him by the arm. “If we cause a fuss, security might come.”

“Good. They can kick him out,” Peter said.

“No… No, Peter, he has a point,” his dad said.

Peter whipped his head around, almost hurt by his own father’s words.

What? What did that mean? A point?

“I don’t like it. It’s a bad idea,” his dad continued. “But Makoto… He’s waited a long time to see Noa… Technically, there’s nothing we can do to stop him. He’s served his time and he’s Noa’s father…”

“But… But–!” Peter tried to protest. The words were sticking in his throat. He had to force them out. “He tried to kill Noa! He shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him!”

“No, that… Peter, stop,” his mom said.

“We need to talk,” his dad added.

Peter was bewildered. He didn’t understand. Why were his parents acting this way?

And in his moment of confusion, Makoto moved, stepping around him. Peter half turned, wanting to stop him but he froze.

What was he supposed to do? Hit Noa’s dad? Grab him?

He faltered and Makoto strode down the hall. Peter took a step forward, clenching his hands into fists. His dad stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on,” Charlie said. “Let’s sit down with Keiko, and… We’ll talk. Okay? Come on.”

It went against everything Peter knew to turn back to his parents and reluctantly go with them. He hated it. He felt like he was abandoning Noa, and he didn’t understand what was going on or why his parents were behaving this way.

Even worse, he had a horrible, terrible feeling that he had missed something else. Because there was no way his parents would go along with this without some kind of reason.

What the hell was going on?

Chapter 88 – Noa

Saturday, October 9, 2004

When Gary told Noa that he had a visitor, he assumed it was the Murphys coming to see him. He barely nodded, focused on an after-breakfast sketch of Gary’s hands.

He was trying as hard as he could to avoid thinking about Amber. Because he knew that Peter was asking about what happened to her. He couldn’t quite shake the thought. It was going to keep coming back to bother him because Peter wouldn’t let go.

And Noa didn’t want to think about Rion trying to kill himself. He didn’t want to think about him trying to jump off the roof. He didn’t want to think about any of it.

It left him with this constant sick feeling, a dull ache in his chest. He wanted it to go away. Everything hurt too much.

Noa glanced up when the door opened, but then stared openly, the charcoal slipping between his fingers, falling onto the table.

Standing in the doorway was his father.

He was older than Noa remembered, but he would have recognized him no matter what. He blinked rapidly, wondering if he was seeing things, wondering if he had lost his mind.

But his father didn’t disappear. He was still there, taking a hesitant step into the room. Noa’s vision was blurring with tears and soon he couldn’t make out anything at all.

Noa stood and threw himself at his father.

Makoto lunged forward and caught him in a fierce hug. And Noa hugged him back, desperate, burying his face into his jacket, hot tears running down his face.

He didn’t know how his father was here. He didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was…

“You’re here,” Noa said, squeezing as tight as he could. “You’re really here…”

“Noa…” his father said, voice thick with emotion.

And then he didn’t say anything. But he didn’t need to. It didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter because he was here, and he was real.

Noa would have clung to him forever if, eventually, his father didn’t pry Noa away. Dark eyes were damp with his own tears, but he looked Noa over, searching. He put a hand to Noa’s face, tracing one of his scrapes with a thumb.

“You’re hurt,” his dad said. “When I heard you were in the hospital, I flew in from Japan. What happened?”

“I… I got upset and broke some glasses,” Noa said, using the heel of his hand to wipe away tears. “It was my own fault.”

Makoto caught him by the wrist, stopping him from scrubbing at his face. Noa was confused until he saw the black on his fingers. He’d probably smeared charcoal all over.

“I have tissues,” Makoto said.

“Sorry…” Noa said.

Makoto pulled some tissues out of his pocket. He started to clean Noa’s hand for him and it left an unfamiliar ache in his chest. His father’s touch was so familiar. It brought on a fresh wave of tears. His breath kept catching in his throat, tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t stop.

Noa didn’t know if he was happy or sad or overwhelmed.

His father was here. He was right here in front of him. He could hardly believe it.

“Are you all right?” Makoto asked. “Elaine and Charles said you were struggling. They said you weren’t talking, and you… They told me I shouldn’t come, that I should give you time.”

“No!” Noa said, shocked. “No, no! I wanted to see you! I only hear news when Aunt Keiko sends letters or calls. I wanted to see you! I missed you more than anything!”

He had so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know where to start. His father finished cleaning his hands and gave him the rest of the tissues. Noa dried his eyes and blew his nose. It didn’t help much.

The ache in his chest was growing, deepening. He didn’t know this feeling. He was so, so happy but it felt like his happiness was hurting him.

“You’ve grown up. You’re so tall,” Makoto said and Noa let out a wavering laugh at the thought. He was only taller than Danny and that was because everyone was. “I mean it.”

“You’re really here?” Noa asked, afraid that he would blink and his father would disappear from sight. “You’re really real?”

“Yes,” his father said. “I know this is sudden, but I wanted to be here as soon as I could. I thought if I called, I would be told to stay away. And I came to take you with me. I want you to come home with me. I’m done waiting.”

Noa blinked at him, stunned. “Home…? You mean… What?”

“I’ve been taking care of my affairs, getting my life back on track,” Makoto said. “We can stay in the city, here in Canada. But I would like to make a trip to Japan with you. We need to make up for lost time.”

“I…” Noa began.

He began to feel overwhelmed. Worry ate at his insides, that ache inside him sharpening.

Rion.

Rion tried to kill himself. Noa couldn’t leave him.

“My friend…” he started.

“The one that did this to you?”

His father’s tone changed in an instant, going hard and cold. Noa tensed, looking down. He clasped his hands together painfully tight.

He didn’t know what his father heard, but he had to set things straight.

“Rion… He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He’s my best friend,” Noa said and gave a slow, hesitant glance up. “He was trying to save my life. He… He’s hurt worse than I am. He’s not okay. I’m worried.”

“He tried to save you,” his father repeated slowly.

Noa nodded and then squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to. But…

“I… I was the one who picked up the broken piece of glass,” he said. “I was… I don’t know what I was going to do. We were yelling and I was upset, and I… Rion tried to take it from me, and I cut up his arm, and…and everything is bad right now, and Peter said Rion tried to kill himself, and…and…”

And Amber was dead. And it was all his fault.

Everything was his fault, and it was a mess. He’d made everyone worry, and…

“Slow down,” his father said, sitting next to him. “You don’t need to explain everything at once.”

“But I do,” Noa said. “I do… I… I have to.”

Noa knew he could trust his own father. He was sure. He felt safe next to him, just like how he felt safe with Rion. He always felt like he could tell Rion everything, and… This was right. It was okay. He’d never been safer.

“Then what is it? What happened?” his father asked.

“I don’t know where to start,” Noa admitted. “Everything’s horrible. I’m horrible. It’s all my fault.”

“What’s your fault? The broken glass? Hurting your friend?”

“Yes, but I… I…”

Noa was struggling to say it. Saying it made it real. And when it was real, it all came back to him, and he saw and heard things… He didn’t want to relive that moment anymore. He didn’t want to.

But he owed his father an explanation.

“I…killed Amber,” he said, putting his face in his hands, his voice breaking.

It was quiet for too long. His insides squirmed. He felt disgusting…

“What happened?” his father eventually said, voice calm, soft, and even.

The words came pouring out of Noa. He’d held in the truth for so long that once he started talking, everything came out all at once. The truth came out in a flood.

Noa argued with Amber. He tried to get his arm free and pushed her. She fell. She didn’t move, didn’t respond, didn’t get up. And then Rion…

…Rion…

It left him raw and empty and horrible in a completely different way. But his father sat and listened quietly to everything from beginning to end. He let Noa talk and talk and talk…

“I’m just like you,” Noa said, scrubbing away tears. “I’m just like you… You killed Mother, and… Everyone says you’re evil and that you tried to kill me and…and…”

And Noa knew it wasn’t right.

“Tried to kill you?” his father repeated. “No. Never. What happened to your mother… I never meant to hurt her.”

Noa tried to blink away tears, looking up at him.

“What did happen?” Noa asked.

Because everyone always told him what he remembered wasn’t right. He was told that his father was horrible and abusive, that his father murdered his mother and tried to drown him in the bathtub.

But that wasn’t what Noa remembered.

He remembered his mother being so angry. He didn’t even know what he’d done to get her so upset but it must have been something really bad.

It was a blur.

Mother hit him. He’d tried to hide. She found him, grabbed him, squeezed him, dragged him to the bathroom, screaming at him.

The bathtub was running, water overflowing. It was freezing cold.

His mother’s hands squeezed tight around his throat. He was pushed down, held underwater.

When he breathed in, the freezing water became blistering hot in his chest. Everything burned. Everything hurt. He flailed and clawed and fought, thinking, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” because he couldn’t say the words aloud.

It was his mother. She’d hurt him. It had never been his father. Not once. Not ever.

But everyone told him he was wrong.

They told him that he didn’t remember right. They told him his father was evil and horrible and a murderer. They told him all kinds of things that Noa knew weren’t true. And when he tried to argue they would get frustrated with him. He was told how wrong he was again and again and again.

The only person who ever believed him was Rion.

“That day…” his father began and then paused, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Your mother and I had problems. We should have addressed things sooner. We made a lot of mistakes. Wendy… She needed help and I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t enough. Noa, I love her, and I don’t want you to think badly of her.”

Noa wasn’t sure he could agree. He did think badly of her. And what made it worse was that everyone told him it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t do anything wrong, that she was a victim and his father was evil.

“But she hurt me,” Noa said.

“She did. That was wrong,” his father was quick to say. “She shouldn’t have hit you or hurt you in any way, ever. That day… I wish I could say that I knew what happened. But I don’t.”

“She was mad at me,” Noa said.

“There was more to it,” his father said. “When I came home…when I found her… When I saw her with you in the bathtub… The only thought in my mind was saving you. I grabbed her and pulled her back. I threw her to the side so hard, and I… I didn’t realize she hit her head. I was so afraid. I thought she’d killed you.”

Noa remembered that too. He remembered coughing up water and vomiting all over the bathroom floor. He remembered his father holding onto him so tight, talking to him in a mix of desperate English and Japanese.

Everything was wet. The floor was soaked and cold, the bathtub still running and overflowing.

There was blood in the water.

Noa remembered seeing his mother on the bathroom floor. She didn’t move. Her head was bleeding. Her eyes were open, but she was staring at nothing.

And whenever he thought about it, he thought of Amber. She had been still like that too. They way she lay there with her hair tangled with sticks and dead leaves…

He’d killed her like his father killed his mother.

“I did everything I could,” his father said. “I called for help. When the police and the ambulance came, they took you away. That’s when I realized your mother… I didn’t even know until after…”

His father let out a heavy breath, scrubbing at his face.

“It was an accident,” Noa said.

He knew. He’d known all along.

Noa was always right about his father. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to kill his wife. He was trying to save Noa. No, he did save Noa.

It was true. All of it.

“It was an accident,” his father said. “If I could take it back, if I could change it, I would. There were so many things that I could have done differently, that we could have done differently as a family. But instead, this is the way things are.”

“And I’m just like you,” Noa said. “You killed Mother, and I killed Amber. And… And if you’re bad then I’m bad too…”

“Noa,” his father said, putting a hand on his shoulder, turning to him fully. “It isn’t about being bad.”

“It’s not?” Noa said.

His father shook his head. “When you’ve done something horrible, terrible… Do you know what you do?”

Noa hesitated but then shook his head.

He didn’t know. He had no idea. He collapsed in on himself and was alone for years and years. He hated himself. He was lost and alone and he hadn’t told anyone the truth. It was the worst kind of secret.

“You need to admit what you’ve done. Tell someone,” his father said. “Then you accept what comes next.”

“What… What comes next? What happens when you tell someone?” Noa asked.

“After what happened to your mother, I told the police,” his father said, hesitating briefly. “Of course, I had a lawyer involved. But I told them what happened. I told the truth. And it was the same when I went to court. I was charged with manslaughter, and I served my time. That was the right thing to do. Because what I did was wrong, even if it was an accident. It was right for your mother. It was right for everyone.”

Noa frowned. “But… But who do I tell about Amber? I’ve been keeping it a secret for years. I can’t go to the police. And Rion… I don’t want… I don’t want him to be in trouble. I don’t want anyone to be mad at him. He was just trying to protect me. He’s my best friend.”

“You need to tell the truth. It’s the right thing to do. You can’t help how other people feel or what they say about you. And you can’t help how other people feel about your friend. He made his own choices. And you said that everyone already knows, so he’s done his part already. You need to do yours.”

Noa swallowed hard, looking down.

That was true. It was all true. Rion told everyone what happened. They already knew. It was Noa who was holding back. He was the problem, not Rion.

Maybe things were actually worse for Rion because of Noa. Because Rion was the only one they had to blame…

Why hadn’t he thought of that before?

“You really think… You really think I should tell everyone?” Noa said. “What if… What if they…?”

“Whatever they do or say or think, you have to accept it,” his father said.

“Everyone is always so nice to me,” Noa said. “The Murphys are taking care of me and I… I’m living in their house and eating their food and… I killed Amber. I hate it. What if they aren’t mad? What if they forgive me? I don’t want them to.”

That wasn’t entirely true. Noa did want their forgiveness. But he didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t right.

No matter what they did, forgive him or not, it was going to hurt and feel horrible.

“It doesn’t matter if you want them to,” his father said. “It’s their choice. You don’t get to decide. How they feel is your punishment.”

Punishment.

And, oh, from that perspective, everything made so much more sense to Noa.

No matter what, telling them would be awful. If they hated him, he would deserve it, but he would lose them. And Noa really, really loved Aunt Elaine, Uncle Charlie, and Peter. But if they forgave him, if they said it was okay, he didn’t deserve that. He was horrible and he killed Amber. Everything was his fault.

But if whatever they decided was his punishment, then it was supposed to be awful. He wasn’t supposed to like it. He wasn’t supposed to be comforted or okay with it. That wasn’t the point.

Everything made so much more sense. It made everything so clear. He understood.

“Was that… Was that what happened when you told the truth about what happened?” Noa asked his father. “People hated you…”

“And some people forgave me,” his father said. “My mother and father, your grandparents, were very unhappy. They were angry for a long time. But your Aunt Keiko was quick to forgive me. And more importantly, your Aunt Elaine forgave me.”

“She did?” Noa said.

“Elaine knew there were problems,” his father said. “She was worried for a long time. She tried to have us over as much as she could. She told me that something changed in Wendy after we had you. She thought it had to do with their own past. Your grandfather on your mother’s side was abusive.”

“I know about that,” Noa said.

Aunt Elaine didn’t talk about it often, but she’d told him enough. She even seemed to know the kind of things his mother had done. If he talked about anything that happened, Aunt Elaine would say that his mother was wrong, that it was bad of her to do that to him. It was the only reassurance he’d had that some of what he went through was real.

He liked that Aunt Elaine wasn’t completely dismissive, like some people. He never really thought much about it otherwise. Maybe he didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry, Noa,” his father said. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner. And I’m sorry about what happened with Amber. I only met her a few times, but she was a kind girl.”

Noa nodded. “She was… I really loved her. She was only trying to protect me, and…”

His father pulled him into a hug. Noa hugged him back tightly.

“I’d give anything to have her back,” Noa said into his father’s shoulder.

“I know,” his father said.

Chapter 89 – Peter

Saturday, October 9, 2004

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Peter said.

So much had happened over the past few weeks. There was so much he already didn’t know. And now…this…

Noa’s father wasn’t who Peter thought he was. Everything was a lie, a rumour invented by Misty Meadows. It wasn’t true.

“You were really young back then, Peter,” his dad said. “We told you what we could.”

“Almost my whole life, I believed Noa’s dad tried to kill him and his mom,” Peter said. “Amber even believed it. Everyone in town talked about it. And now you’re sitting me down to tell me that my Aunt Wendy was abusive and tried to kill Noa, and that his dad…”

“At the time, we didn’t know what happened,” his mom said. “There was a police investigation and a court case. Noa’s first therapist was so sure he was having issues with his memory because of trauma… It’s not that we were trying to hide it from you.”

“Everything Makoto said lined up with the evidence,” his dad added. “Noa’s injuries all appeared to come from his mother. There were even statements made from neighbours. It seems like Makoto pulled Wendy back to save Noa, and she…”

“She was thrown back and hit her head on the sink,” his mom said. She was looking down at her tightly clasped hands. They were clenched too tight, her skin going white from the strain. “They said… They said it was instant.”

Peter took a deep breath to steady himself. He was beyond upset and he was struggling to not lash out at them. He knew it wasn’t their fault and what they were saying made sense. But he was so frustrated that he was finding out this way.

“Everyone in Misty Meadows talks about what happened to Noa,” Peter said. “And I mean it – everyone. I’ve heard it for years. I’ve believed it for years. I was so sure that his dad… I mean, I even thought Noa had problems with his memory! This… You should have said something a lot sooner.”

“I’m sorry,” his mom said. “Maybe you’re right. We just kept putting it off. At first it was because you were all so young…”

“You’re an honest person with a lot of integrity,” his dad told him. “You would have argued with every single person who brought up a rumour that wasn’t true.”

“And? What’s wrong with that?” Peter said.

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” his mom said. “But when you engage with those kinds of rumours, they get worse and worse. It would spread more rumours, new rumours, and then everyone would be talking about Noa and his family all the time. Can you imagine how hard that would be for him? If you ignore rumours, eventually they go away.”

“But not completely,” Peter said. “Everyone in town still thinks that Noa’s dad is this crazy, murderous abuser. That’s not… If it’s not true, then that’s not okay. And it hurts Noa. I probably hurt Noa for believing it.”

“You’re right,” his mom said. “And I’m sorry. We really should have said something sooner. It’s just…”

She let out a heavy breath and Peter began to understand.

It must have been hard for his parents to find the time because they had to worry about Noa constantly. They were homeschooling him and taking him to see doctors. Peter helped them a lot over the years too. He knew how hard it was to support Noa.

Telling Peter the truth probably slipped their minds. It wasn’t like they talked about Noa’s family all the time. It usually only came up around the holidays, and even then…

“I just wish I knew,” Peter said. “There’s already so much that I don’t know. It’s like what happened to Amber. That… You know how I feel. You feel the same way.”

“You’re right,” his dad said. “If we think of anything else, we’ll tell you. We’re not trying to keep secrets.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “Thank you. I’m not a kid anymore. I need to know what’s going on.”

“You’re right,” his mom said. “You’re absolutely right.”

With perfect timing, Keiko walked up to their table, coffee in hand. She pulled up a chair, joining their table.

She’d stepped aside to give them time to talk. Keiko had vanished into the gift shop earlier and then Peter had seen her wander over for her drink.

“Did you talk?” Keiko asked.

“I think we have it all sorted out,” his mom said.

“Good,” Keiko said. She studied Peter for a moment. “You’re very tall. The last time I saw you, you came up to my shoulder.”

Peter offered her the weakest of smiles. He barely remembered when they last met. He was pretty sure it was before Amber passed away.

“I’m sorry for having such a strong reaction,” he said. “I…didn’t know all the facts.”

Keiko shook her head. “Don’t apologize to me, apologize to my brother.”

“I will,” Peter said, though he still felt weird thinking about it.

It was hard to imagine that the man he’d assumed was so horrible was really the person who saved Noa. All this time, he thought…

He’d believed a lie. He’d believed a rumour.

Peter knew he should have been more critical, but it was a convincing story. He tried to remember the last time he’d heard about a woman being abusive and the only thing that came to mind was Joan Crawford.

Peter knew that his grandfather on his mom’s side was abusive. That’s why their family had nothing to do with him. Peter had never even met him, didn’t even know where he lived or if he was even alive anymore.

He’d read things in books about abuse. All of it framed it as a man abusing a woman, about objectification, and… He’d never seen much about women behaving like that. It never occurred to him. He’d never thought about it.

No wonder it was so hard on Noa. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have your own mother try to drown you, for your dad to save you, and for everyone to tell you that you were remembering things wrong…

No wonder Noa was so afraid of hurting anyone or anything.

No wonder he was so closed off.

It explained so much. Peter was sorry he hadn’t known until now. It would have changed everything. He would have done so many things differently. It reminded him of the friendship bracelet situation, of how he’d thought Rion was an asshole for so long only to find out that wasn’t the case at all.

“I’m happy to know that Noa was well cared for,” Keiko said. “You’re a good big brother.”

“Noa and I are cousins,” Peter said, even though her words made him feel flattered.

“Family. Close enough,” Keiko said. “You remind me of my boys. Are you in school? University? College?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “I’m taking a computer systems technology course. I’m interested in programming.”

“Smart,” she said. “Daiki, my oldest, is going to university. Shota too. But Shota reads too much Jump. He wants to be a mangaka.”

“Manga… Really?” Peter said, leaning in. “That sounds like a lot of work.”

“It can be,” Keiko said. “He’s determined. I worry that it’s not the best career path.”

“At least he’s going to university,” Peter’s mom said.

“We had to convince him,” Keiko said. “He’s doing well, so we’re happy.”

Before the conversation had a chance to continue, Mr. Igarashi came back.

Peter didn’t know if it was because of everything he’d learned just now or if Mr. Igarashi was more relaxed, but he seemed…different. There was something a little less stiff about him.

“Back already?” Peter’s mom said. “I thought you would want to talk to Noa for a while.”

“We talked,” Mr. Igarashi said. “I want to see him again, but he wanted to talk to Peter.”

“Me?” Peter said. “He… He knew I was here?”

“He asked and I told him,” Mr. Igarashi said.

Peter stood to go. He wanted to see Noa right away, but with Mr. Igarashi there… He suddenly felt guilty.

“I… Uh… Mr. Igarashi?” he said. “I’m sorry about before. I, uh… There’s been a lot going on and I didn’t know that you… I didn’t know everything. I was rude, and…harsh.”

“It’s all right,” Mr. Igarashi said. He didn’t seem bothered, waving a hand dismissively. “Noa trusts you. I’m happy you take care of each other. Thank you, Peter.”

Peter could feel the heat rising to his face. He didn’t know how to feel, other than embarrassed.

“I… Right. Well… I’m going to go,” he said, pointing. “Noa wants to see me, so I should…”

“Yes, you should. Thank you,” Mr. Igarashi said, inclining his head.

Peter hurried off, feeling very dumb for…well…everything. Even if it wasn’t his fault completely. He gave his head a shake when he got in the elevator, sucking in a breath and fidgeting with his jacket.

He knew the way to Noa’s room by heart. The staff even recognized his family at this point. The only time he hesitated was when he passed the door to Rion’s room.

He should visit him too, eventually.

But Noa came first.

Noa was expecting him. He was puffy eyed, like he’d been crying, but he was composed at the moment. Actually, he looked more like himself than he had in a long, long time.

“Hi, Peter. Thank you for coming,” Noa said.

“No problem,” Peter said. “Your dad said you wanted to see me, so… I came.”

Noa glanced down, picking at his nails. There was a little bit of black under his nails from the charcoal he was drawing with. The rest of his hands were clean, and he had an unfinished sketch on the table that was pushed aside. Maybe he’d given up on it when he’d seen his dad.

“I want to talk to everyone about some things,” Noa finally said. “I mean, I’m going to need to talk to Dr. Maes too, but… I need to tell you what happened to Amber.”

“You remembered?” Peter asked carefully.

Noa frowned with just the hint of a pout. “…I never forgot. You were right. I lied.”

“But you’re ready to tell the truth now?”

Noa nodded. “I talked to my father. He said… He gave me good advice. I need to talk to all of you. Even Sarina…”

He scowled after saying her name.

“If it makes you feel any better, Sarina seems like she’s trying to be nice,” Peter told him. “She came and saw us earlier. I think she regrets what she did to Rion.”

“She’d better,” Noa said. “She needs to hear the truth too. I want to tell everyone at once. I mean, maybe not Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie. I think they need to hear it separately, and then…then if they’re mad and they don’t want me around, I can go with Father.”

“Don’t want you around?” Peter said. “Why wouldn’t we want you around?”

Noa couldn’t have done something that bad. Right? Why would he feel the need to leave with his dad?

Noa frowned, looking down. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“I don’t know what will happen,” Noa said. “And I can’t do anything about it. The only thing I can do is tell the truth, and… I don’t want you to be mad at Rion. He just wanted to protect me. He’s a good person, and he’s my best friend. I don’t want anyone to hurt him anymore.”

“Noa, even if I’m mad, I won’t hurt Rion,” Peter said. “And I know Jesse won’t either, since he saved Rion’s life. We all know that Danny and Celeste are great people. And Sarina… We’ll stop her if she tries anything. Okay?”

“Okay,” Noa said. “I… I’m scared.”

Noa looked down, pressing his lips together, picking at his fingers again. Peter wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Noa so open and vulnerable.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Peter said. “Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest. Did you want to tell me first? We could talk about it right now.”

Noa shook his head. “No. I only want to say it once…maybe two or three times, since I want to tell Dr. Maes, and… I don’t want to have to say it more than I need to.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “I’ll talk to the others. I’ll let them know and I’ll see when I can get everyone together.”

“Thanks, Peter. I really… I appreciate it.”

“I know. Don’t worry about it, Noa.”

Chapter 90 – Noa

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Noa had the longest conversation he’d ever had with Dr. Maes in the morning. By the end, he felt much better about his decision. She gave him reassurances and some guidance, and he felt more prepared about telling the truth. She offered to be there with him, but he declined. He wanted to talk to everyone himself.

Dr. Maes also made sure he had permission to have everyone come into his room. Everything was ready. He just had to wait for Peter to round everyone up. Then he could tell them, followed by his aunt and uncle. And…

Noa was still nervous. He felt sick. He didn’t want to have to say it. He was scared about how they’d react.

But he had to do it. He needed to. It was the right thing to do.

His father was right. He needed to accept what they thought of him. If they forgave him or not, that was his punishment. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it had to be done.

And maybe it would protect Rion too. Maybe it would help him.

He owed it to Rion to do everything in his power to make things right.

Surprisingly, Sarina was the first to arrive. She came in timidly, like she was expecting to be thrown right out.

“Hi, Noa,” she said.

“Hi,” he said in response.

He didn’t know what else to say to her. He wasn’t expecting her to be there first. He was still upset with her for hurting Rion, and he only invited her so that he could tell her the truth and then send her away. He wanted her to be mad with him so they could both be done. After that, he never wanted to see her again.

“It’s been a while, huh,” Sarina said.

“Yeah,” Noa said. “Did you come with the others?”

“No. I came on my own. It’s just me.”

She was shifting, picking with the sleeve of her winter coat. At least she looked uncomfortable. She should be after what she did to Rion.

“It’s kind of weird. I haven’t heard you talk this much in a long time,” Sarina said. “You, uh… You feeling better?”

“I guess.”

“That’s good. This place looks really… I mean, wow. It’s not a white padded room, but it’s pretty close.”

“I guess.”

“Um…”

Sarina shifted from foot to foot, self-conscious.

“I, uh… I kind of owe you an apology,” she said. “I mean… I guess you know, but… There was this whole misunderstanding about the friendship bracelets–”

“You beat up Rion,” Noa said.

Sarina grimaced. “Yeah. I did. I thought it was him. But that’s not an excuse. I’ve been thinking a lot, and… I’m sorry, Noa.”

Noa didn’t have the tiniest bit of sympathy for her.

“I don’t want you to apologize to me,” Noa said. “Tell Rion you’re sorry. He’s the person you hurt. And if you ever hurt him again…”

“I won’t!” Sarina said. “I mean, I won’t hurt him. Not anymore. And I did apologize… Well, okay. It was a shitty apology. I owe him a real one.”

“Good,” Noa said.

Sarina opened her mouth, took a breath, and then closed it. She swallowed hard, shifting around some more. She looked so incredibly uncomfortable.

“I know I’m an asshole,” she said. “I know I’m a bitch. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. And I know that you’re really upset with me, and you should be. I just wanted to say that I’m going to do better. I’m going to be better, and… Do you think that maybe one day we could be friends again?”

Noa didn’t know about ‘again’. He didn’t think they’d been friends in the first place.

But Sarina was looking at him like she might cry. It seemed like she really meant what she said. And then Noa thought about his own situation and what his father said.

You can’t decide how other people feel.

But Noa could decide how he felt. And he could decide what he did and said.

“If you really mean it, if you really change, and if you never, ever hurt Rion again…” Noa began and then gave a small nod, “…then maybe.”

Sarina perked up.

“I will! I’ll totally change!” she said. “You have no idea! I’m already working on it! I’ve asked Celeste to help me with a bunch of stuff. Actually, because I’m hanging around Celeste, Jolie said she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, which sucks… But I talked to Monique too, and she said she would help me be a more interesting person. So, I think I can do it. I want to do it.”

Before Noa could answer, the door opened again. Celeste and Danny came in.

“Oh, you’re already here,” Celeste said to Sarina. “Hey.”

“Hi, Noa,” Danny added with a wave. “Wow, you… You look rough. Are you okay?”

“I’m all right,” he said.

A moment later, Jesse and Peter came in.

“Hey,” Peter said. “Oh, good. That’s everyone.”

It was getting crowded. Noa was feeling overwhelmed. He met Jesse’s gaze and immediately looked down.

Jesse was going to be the hardest to face.

He loved Amber so, so much.

“Okay, so… There’s not really any chairs,” Danny said.

“I don’t need to sit,” Celeste said. “Um… Do you think we’ll be here for a while?”

“It’s up to Noa,” Peter said.

Noa was more anxious than he’d been in a long time. He struggled to find the right words, but he didn’t know where to start. He tried to remember what Dr. Maes told him, how it had gone when he’d told her everything.

“I…” Noa began, voice catching. He stopped and tried again. “I have to talk to you about what happened to Amber…”

The silence that followed that was deafening. It stretched on painfully. Noa was scared to open his mouth again, scared to follow that statement up with the truth.

“What happened?” Peter finally said. “You were at the cabin…”

“We were at the cabin,” Noa repeated, happy for a starting point, even though his voice trembled. “We went for a walk. It was me and Rion and Amber. No one else was around.”

At least, he couldn’t remember anyone else being around. No one was there. Not until after the fire started.

“We took the trail behind the cabin that… It… We were talking and Amber…”

“Did she slip?”

Noa looked up at Jesse, blinking. His gaze was piercing and Noa had to look away again. He felt goosebumps along his arms.

‘Amber slipped.’

Those were Rion’s words. He’d said it enough times to Noa. Rion’s story would always be that Amber slipped and fell and that he took her and electrocuted her.

But that wasn’t what happened.

“No,” Noa said. “We got into an argument.”

“An argument?” Peter said. “Rion didn’t mention that.”

“That’s because…because Rion’s a good friend,” Noa said. “He was the only one who… He kept secrets for me. He was the only one I ever told…that I was hurting myself.”

There was another heavy silence following that remark. Noa struggled to know what to say next.

“But… But you don’t have scars on your arms or anything,” Sarina said, her voice high and stressed like she was holding back tears. Noa didn’t risk looking at her. “We would have noticed if you were cutting…”

“I wasn’t cutting,” Noa said. His throat felt tight. “I was… I was burning myself, mostly. I didn’t want people to know. I would… I did it to my feet or my legs or… I didn’t want people to see it. I would pinch and scratch and…”

He had to stop. He wasn’t ready to talk about this. He wasn’t ready to tell them that. And he didn’t want to show them all the scars he carefully hid.

Because he still hurt himself sometimes, when he could. He would dig his fingers into himself hard enough to leave cuts with his nails or bruises with his fingertips. He would bite the inside of his mouth until he tasted metal. He would pull at his hair, and…

He wasn’t ready to tell them about his bad days. He didn’t want to.

“I didn’t know,” Peter said. “I mean, I found out that it was a problem after Mom and Dad said… Why didn’t you tell us? Do you still hurt yourself? Noa–”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” Noa said, keeping his eyes down. “I don’t want… I’ve only ever told Rion.”

“Wait, so Rion knew?” Danny said.

Noa nodded.

“And he didn’t tell anyone?” Celeste said, her voice wavering and small.

“No,” Noa said. “Because Rion’s a good friend. Talking to him made me feel better. When we talked… I’d hurt myself less. He would never tell anyone.”

“But… Wait. What does that have to do with Amber?” Danny asked.

“She found out,” Noa said. “She found my matches. She… That’s what we argued about that day. I didn’t want to talk about it. She was really, really worried. Amber…”

The words stuck and he closed his eyes, taking a breath. He had to force everything out. He had to keep going.

“I tried to walk away. I wanted to go back to the cabin. We were on the path right behind where it’s really steep. Amber grabbed my arm, and I…”

He wanted to be free. He wanted her to let go. He wanted it to stop.

“I pushed her.”

Noa hid his face in his hands. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember how she’d been holding onto him and all of his emotions spiked. He’d been angry, upset, afraid. He’d pushed her away, and then she was falling backwards off the trail, eyes wide, fixed on him.

He could still feel her gaze on him. He could still feel her watching.

“I pushed her,” Noa said again, voice unsteady. It felt like his mouth was going numb. “I pushed her, and she fell. She hit a tree really hard. It made this awful sound, and then… She was gone.”

He stopped, expecting interruptions. There weren’t any. He had to force himself to keep going.

“We climbed down the slope. She was at the bottom. We couldn’t leave her there. We picked her up together. We brought her inside, and the…the camera…”

Noa felt sick. He remembered the sound so clearly.

“Rion had the camera around his neck, and it…it went off a bunch. It took pictures of us carrying Amber… You can see it. You can… And when we put her down… There was blood. There was blood everywhere. It was on my jacket, and my hands, and it…”

He was breathing too hard, wringing his hands at the memory. His breath was coming too short. It felt too real.

He couldn’t stop. He had to keep going.

Keep talking. Keep talking.

“Rion… Rion took her to the bathroom,” Noa said. “I just sat there. I… There was an awful sound, the worst sound. It was… And then the cabin was on fire, and it smelled so bad, and…and Rion was still in the bathroom. I… He… He was sitting there and Amber… Amber was in the… She was… The blow dryer…. I couldn’t… I had to get Rion, and he… I touched him, and he pushed me, and I… I put my hand on the burning wall and then… Then Rion… He dragged me out, and… I threw up… And everything burned…”

He wasn’t sure he was coherent. He didn’t think he made much sense. The memories jumbled together, and he remembered more about what he heard and smelt.

That horrible burning smell and the pain in his hand, the bile in his throat.

“I killed Amber,” he said, choking on his own breaths. Or, no… He was crying. He hadn’t even realized. “I killed her. I pushed her and she fell and she… Rion… Rion tried to protect me. He…he did something so horrible… He didn’t want anyone to blame me. He… He’s my best friend. Please… Please don’t be mad at him…”

He curled in on himself, hating himself.

But it was done. He said it.

They could hate him now. Or not.

Noa didn’t know. He wasn’t even sure he cared. He felt so awful and sick. He just wanted it to be over.

“You… It was an accident, right?” Danny said.

Noa couldn’t answer. He couldn’t look up at him.

Was it an accident? Did it matter? He didn’t mean for Amber to get hurt. He wanted to free his arm. But she was still dead because of him.

“You didn’t mean to hurt her,” Celeste said.

“That’s right,” Peter said. “It sounds like an accident.”

“Amber wanted to help me. And I killed her,” Noa eventually said, his voice wavering. He still couldn’t look up at them. “It’s all my fault. I should have… I should have talked to her. I should have… She was worried about me, and I…”

“I figured it was something like that,” Sarina said.

She sounded the calmest and most collected out of everyone. He almost couldn’t believe how her voice had evened out and become so level.

“You said that to Rion, didn’t you, Noa,” Sarina continued. “You said you killed Amber. You said it was your fault. And then he flipped out and…did what he did. That’s how it went, right?”

“I said it because it’s true,” Noa said. “It was my fault. I’m the one who… It was me.”

“I wish you went for help or even told us the truth when it happened,” Peter said. “But… You made mistakes and what’s done is done. We can’t change it now.”

Noa finally glanced up, hesitant. “You’re…not mad?”

Looking at them, none of them seemed happy. Everyone in the room was obviously upset. But none of them looked enraged like he expected. None of them tried to hurt him or…anything else.

“I’m upset,” Peter said. “I’m really, really upset. But Rion told us pretty much the same story. We just didn’t know about the fight. Or that Amber grabbed you, and… That’s the truth, right?”

Noa nodded. “That’s what happened. And I hate it. And I want to change it, but I can’t. You should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Peter said.

“Same here,” Danny said, glancing away, scrubbing at the back of his neck. “It’s like… This whole situation is the worst thing, and I hate it. But you didn’t mean to hurt Amber, and you feel really bad. It was… It was like the world’s worst accident.”

“I agree with Peter,” Celeste said. “I really think you should have told someone, Noa. I think… This would be a lot easier if we knew what really happened. But, well… We can’t take any of it back.”

“I totally forgive you,” Sarina added. “It’s obvious that none of this is your fault. Yeah, it’s fucked up. Amber shouldn’t have died, but it’s not your fault at all.”

“I hope you’re not still blaming Rion,” Danny said, giving her a look.

Sarina waved a hand. “Don’t worry about that. That’s whatever.”

This whole time, Jesse still hadn’t said anything. Noa was afraid to look his way. He wasn’t sure what to say or how to face him…

“Thank you, Noa.”

When Jesse finally spoke, Noa gave him a hesitant glance.

Jesse didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look angry either. He looked resigned and bitter and sad.

“Why…?” Noa said. “Why are you thanking me?”

“Because you told us the truth,” Jesse said. “Now I know what happened. Thank you.”

The words were dropped like a weight. They were flat, hollow, empty.

Noa wanted to say something, but ‘you’re welcome’ would have felt too wrong.

He wanted to say that he wished things were different, that he wanted Amber to be alive. He wanted to say that he would do anything to change what happened. He wanted to say that he was stupid and wrong and terrible and gross… There weren’t ever going to be enough words to express what he wanted to communicate.

Everything stuck in his throat. All he could do was look down again, feeling sick and exhausted.

“Um…” Danny began, clearing his throat. “I think, uh… I think I need a minute. I’m feeling kind of hot, and…”

“Same here,” Celeste said. “Maybe we should head downstairs for a bit.”

“I’ll stay a little longer,” Peter said.

“Okay,” Sarina said. “See you in a bit.”

The others filed out of the room. Then it was just Noa and Peter.

“Are you going to be okay?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know,” Noa said.

“I don’t mean long term. I mean… Do you want me to get Dr. Maes or anyone else? Do you need anything?”

“…Why aren’t you mad?” Noa asked.

Peter was silent for a moment. He came over and took a seat next to Noa on the bed.

“Rion told us everything,” Peter said. “There were just a couple things that he left out. One was the camera and the other was your involvement. We knew that you did something. We just didn’t know what it was. We were prepared. And, honestly? I was a little scared you might have done something much worse.”

“Worse?” Noa said. “How could it be worse?”

“It feels like every time I find out something else, it’s somehow even more horrible than before,” Peter said. “I was worried that maybe you pushed her on purpose or–”

“No!” Noa said sharply. “I would never! I didn’t want to hurt her! I just… I just wanted to get my arm free…”

“I know,” Peter said. He put an arm around Noa’s shoulders. Noa leaned into him, his eyes immediately filling with fresh tears. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know you loved Amber, and she loved you. This whole thing is a huge mess.”

“Yeah,” Noa said, his voice wavering.

“You’re sorry, right?”

“Sorrier than I’ve ever been about anything in my whole life.”

“Me too. I’m sorry that things happened the way they did. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there with you and Rion and Amber. If I’d come with you, maybe things would have been different.”

Noa didn’t know what to say to that. He reached up and scrubbed his face. Peter gave him a squeeze.

“Thank you for telling us the truth,” Peter added, just like Jesse had. Only he sounded more sincere.

“Do you think that Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie will hate me?” Noa asked.

“No,” Peter said. “I think they’ll understand. But they’re going to be hurt.”

“My father wants me to go live with him,” Noa said. “I think… I think I want to. Maybe that’s better, because if everyone’s upset…”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Peter said, “but you’ll come back, right?”

Noa gave a stiff nod. “I can’t leave Rion behind.”

“Right… Rion. That’s a good point,” Peter said.

Noa looked up at him. “If I leave with Father and go to Japan for a while, would you make sure Rion’s okay while I’m gone? You said that he…”

Noa didn’t want to abandon Rion. He didn’t want to come back and find out that his best friend killed himself while he was gone. He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t live with that. It was too horrible.

“I’ll check on him,” Peter said. “I don’t think Dr. Maes will let him leave the hospital until she’s sure he’s okay. He’ll be safe.”

“I hope so,” Noa said. “I’m worried about him.”

“Me too.”

Chapter 91 – Jesse

Sunday, October 10, 2004

When they sat down at a table, Jesse was strangely calm.

Some distant part of him was seething, but he was mostly numb to everything that was going on. His feelings were distant and muted, out of reach.

Maybe it was because he half expected Noa to say what he did. Maybe it was because he was emotionally prepared. He couldn’t say.

“Jesse, are you okay?” Celeste asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” he said. “Are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Danny spoke up. “Yeah, I feel… This is all messed up.”

Sarina snorted. “It was exactly what I expected him to say. It figures.”

“It’s still upsetting,” Celeste said.

“Of course it’s upsetting,” Sarina said. “But it makes total sense.”

“I don’t want to say that I’m happy it was an accident,” Danny said, “because I’m not happy about what happened to Amber. But I guess it’s kind of good to know that Noa and Rion weren’t trying to hurt her. And Rion didn’t just…you know…for no reason.”

Jesse raised a hand and gave it a wave. “I know what happened now and that’s good enough. Noa tried to get his arm free, Amber slipped…”

There was a sharp prickling in his chest at the thought. He tried not to dwell on it, but it was hard. It was impossible.

“As far as I’m concerned, she died instantly,” Jesse continued. “I don’t know if that’s true, but no one can prove that it didn’t happen. I want to think that it wasn’t Noa’s fault. He always blames himself. She probably… It was an accident, and what Rion did… He should never have done that to Amber, but she was… She wasn’t alive, and… He didn’t hurt her. She didn’t suffer. It was an accident.”

He didn’t have any more words for it. He couldn’t think about it past that.

Noa tried to get his arm free, Amber was off-balance and slipped off the path. She hit her head and died instantly.

That’s what he chose to believe. It gave him closure and it made the pain in his heart a little less intense.

“I don’t think that at all,” Sarina said.

“What?” Danny said, turning to blink at her.

“This whole thing is obviously Rion’s fault,” she said. “Amber slipped and fell, and maybe she was unconscious or whatever, but I’m sure that Rion electrocuted her.”

Jesse was stunned and Celeste articulated his thoughts before he could even formulate the words.

“Sarina! Why would you say that?!”

“Because that’s what I think is true!” Sarina said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Because Rion is just that stupid. I think he did it for Noa and everything was his fault.”

“Why? Why would you think that? That’s horrible!” Danny said. “It doesn’t even make sense!”

“It makes perfect sense to me,” Sarina said. “Noa would never do anything wrong. I mean, I do kinda agree with Jesse. I think that Amber slipped. And I think she was probably unconscious or whatever and, you know, didn’t suffer. But I think Rion killed her and he did it because he really, really loves Noa. I mean, I love Noa too, but… Even I wouldn’t have gone that far.”

Jesse could only stare at Sarina. He didn’t understand her way of thinking at all. It didn’t make sense to him. Her thoughts were alien to him. He had no words.

She was wrong. She had to be.

Jesse didn’t accept her reasoning. Not for a single second.

“What about the blood? Noa said there was blood everywhere,” Danny said. “You’re not doing this to go after Rion again, are you? Sarina, he’s already suicidal!”

“Of course I’m not going after him!” she said. “I’m done with that, okay? I just think he’s messed up. He’s a dick. But, you know, he’s a dick because he loves Noa. They’re like brothers or whatever. They’re just… It makes sense if you think about it.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Jesse said. “I don’t understand you at all…”

“I think Jesse’s right,” Celeste said. “I think… I think Amber slipped and fell. I think it was an accident…”

“Yeah. That makes sense to me,” Danny said. “Rion and Noa both had the same story. There were a few differences, but it’s basically the same thing. They both thought she was dead when they brought her into the cabin. And she was bleeding.”

“Believe what you want,” Sarina said. “You can’t prove me wrong, and I can’t prove you wrong. We’ll never really know.”

But Jesse was sure. He was sure he was right. Yes, he wanted to believe he was right, but he was so sure he knew the truth. It made the most sense.

He refused every part of Sarina’s mindset.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jesse said, his mind already made up.

“Doesn’t matter? What did I miss?”

Peter had returned. He rejoined them, pulling up a chair.

“Not much,” Sarina said.

“We were just talking about everything,” Jesse said. “I think that Amber slipped and hit her head and died instantly. It was an accident.”

“And I disagree,” Sarina said. “I think it was Rion’s fault.”

Peter stared at her, frowning. “I don’t know where you got that idea. I thought Noa’s story cleared everything up. Jesse’s obviously right.”

Sarina huffed and rolled her eyes. But Jesse was grateful. At least everyone else seemed to agree with him.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” Celeste said.

“Right,” Peter agreed. “I talked to Noa. Remember how I told you that his dad was here the other day?”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Did something happen?”

“His dad wants Noa to live with him. And Noa agrees.”

They fell silent.

It was a shock. Peter had told them the truth about Noa’s dad. It took a bit for Jesse to wrap his head around the idea. To think the story of Noa’s father was one more mangled rumour…

He’d believed it for so long, just like everyone else.

But Noa wanted to live with his father now? He was really okay with that? Wouldn’t that mean leaving Misty Meadows behind? And they hadn’t seen each other since Noa was a kid. Would that really be okay?

“So, Noa will be leaving?” Danny said. “Forever?”

“He wants to come back,” Peter said. “He’s worried about Rion.”

And that made perfect sense. Because Rion was ready to jump off the hospital roof.

“How will that work then?” Celeste asked.

“I don’t know,” Peter said. “He still needs to talk to my parents. He wants to go over everything with them and his dad. He’s trying to figure it out, and he’s… There’s a lot going on.”

“I’ll say,” Sarina said. “Noa needs to come back. He can’t just leave.”

“He can, actually,” Peter said. “Technically, he should be with his dad.”

“And we’re sure Noa’s dad isn’t a psycho?” Sarina said.

“As sure as we can be.”

“I guess there’s not much we can do about it,” Danny said. “I mean, I hope Noa comes back. And I hope it works out with his dad.”

They slipped into another long silence. It was hard to think of anything to say.

Now that they had the full truth, there wasn’t anything they could do with it. Especially if Noa left. The only other thing was…

“What about Rion?” Jesse said.

Sarina looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

“He wants to kill himself,” Jesse said. “He’s not going to magically get over that.”

“He’s seeing Dr. Maes,” Celeste said.

“I’m sure he’ll come around,” Danny said.

Jesse shook his head. “You weren’t there on the roof. He was going to jump. He asked for my help getting up on the ledge. No one… No one who goes through something like that is going to get better. Not for a long time, anyway. It’s good that he’s seeing Dr. Maes, but…”

Thinking about Rion on the roof made him as uncomfortable as thinking about how Amber died. Maybe it was because, on some level, some small part of him had considered turning around and leaving Rion on that ledge. He knew it was right to stop Rion, but… It stuck with him. He wasn’t going to ever forget, and he was sure that Rion wouldn’t either.

“We have to support him,” Peter said. “I thought that was obvious.”

“Well, I mean, yeah,” Danny said.

“Good luck,” Sarina said with a snort. “He’ll probably just shrug us off.”

“Knowing that Noa’s hurt himself in the past, would you let him shrug you off if you were worried about him?” Peter asked.

Sarina opened her mouth but then visibly deflated before she answered, “No. I wouldn’t. I’m not saying that we should ditch Rion.”

“It sounded like that was what you were saying,” Danny told her.

“I’m saying it’s going to be hard,” Sarina huffed. “You guys are just seeing him now. I see him every day at school. The guy is cold, stiff, and standoffish. He’s a total dick.”

“I think it’s because he’s hurt,” Celeste said. “It doesn’t help that he’s getting bullied.”

“That’s gonna stop,” Sarina said.

“Yeah?” Danny said. “So, you’re going to start treating him better?”

“Of course!” she said. “Listen, I get it, okay? I’ve been a total, complete bitch – a real asshole. I fucked up, and I fucked up a lot. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

“Good,” Celeste said, looking relieved.

“About time,” added Danny.

“Yeah,” Sarina said. “And… Danny, I want to be friends again. I know that it’s probably too early to… I mean… I still have shit to sort out. I’d like it if we could, you know…”

“We’ll see,” Danny said. “I mean, I’d like to be friends again too. But I have to know that you’re not going around and beating people up anymore. I know you said you want to change, but…”

“Yeah. I know. Like I said, I fucked up. I get it.”

“Monique invited me to coffee. She’s still friends with you, so I’ll talk to her. Maybe we can all work things out.”

Sarina blinked and scrutinized Danny for a minute. He noticed the look and frowned.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Danny asked.

“If Monique asks you out for coffee, never invite me along,” Sarina said. “I don’t want her pissed at me.”

“What? I wasn’t inviting you,” Danny said. “I mean, I’m fine to go out with you and her–”

“No! Nope!” Sarina said, holding up her hands. “I’m not going near that!”

“What’s wrong with you?” Danny said, lost.

“Danny, I think Monique invited you on a date,” Celeste said.

Danny looked at Celeste, then back at Sarina. His whole face went red.

“What…?” he said.

Jesse couldn’t help but smile, even though it left him with a dull ache in his chest. Seeing other relationships happen around him always stung, even though he knew it was just him and his feelings about Amber.

“Monique has been crushing on you since you were in kindergarten,” Jesse said.

Danny turned to him, jaw dropping. “What? No way…”

“Yeah,” Sarina said. “Good luck with that, Danny.”

“Monique… Monique wants to go out with me,” he said.

“I thought you always got along,” Peter said.

“Yeah, but I had no idea…” Danny said. “A date… Man. Wow. Okay. Uh… Right.”

“You’ll be fine,” Sarina said. “Don’t sweat it.”

“I wasn’t going to until you told me that my coffee plans were an actual date,” Danny said. “Geez… I’m going to have to ask my mom for advice.”

“You’ll be fine,” Jesse said. “Just be yourself.”

“That’s right,” Celeste said. “You’ll be okay. It can’t go wrong.”

“Stop it. You guys are freaking me out,” Danny said. “Urgh. I can’t think about that right now. I’m going to get all nervous.”

“I think I should get going,” Jesse said, getting to his feet. “I need some time to think, and there’s other things I need to do today.”

“Right,” Peter said. “From here on, I think we can agree to try and support Rion and Noa and make sure that they… I mean… Nothing’s really okay, and it’s going to be hard, but…”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “Yeah, we’ll all do what we can. Especially if Noa leaves and Rion’s stuck here for a bit. We’ll have to check in on him and stuff.”

“And we have to be ready to welcome Noa back,” Sarina said. “There’s no way he won’t come back. He’s got to.”

“We’ll see how things pan out and do our best,” Jesse said. He gave them a wave. “I’ll see you around.”

When Jesse left, he didn’t feel much better than before. In fact, he felt like things were still up in the air. He wasn’t happy with the truth, and he still hadn’t forgiven Noa or Rion.

But maybe, one day, he could.

Chapter 92 – Rion

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Rion was struggling.

He spent a couple days seeing Dr. Maes regularly. They talked a lot. Rion wasn’t sure it was helping but being able to vent was…nice. And Dr. Maes was good at listening.

He still wanted to wipe himself off the face of the Earth. But maybe he would always feel that way. Maybe there was no helping it.

Other than Dr. Maes, his dad was the only visitor.

The two of them talked about a lot of things too. It was mostly his dad who did the talking, though. He wanted to spend more time together. He talked about maybe going on a small trip, just to get away from Misty Meadows for a while.

The thought was nice. Rion had no idea where they could go, and it didn’t sound like his dad had any idea either. It was cold out and even though the previous snow melted, the forecast was predicting heaps more in the coming weeks.

Rion supposed they could go skiing but he’d never been into that.

No one else came to see him. Rion was fine with that. He didn’t know what to say to them anyway, and he was sure they wanted nothing to do with him. He was fine with that.

So when they told him he had a visitor, he expected his dad to walk through the door.

Instead, it was Noa.

He was dressed in his normal clothes, winter coat in his arms. And all Rion could do was stand and stare at him, gaping. Because he hadn’t expected this at all and was struggling to believe it was even real.

“Hi,” Noa said. “I’ve been discharged. I wanted to see you as soon as I could.”

“I…” Rion tried to speak.

But the words were caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say.

He didn’t need to say anything. Noa walked over, dropping his coat on the bed so that he could pull Rion into a hug.

Rion hugged him right back as hard as he could. The tears were there instantly, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight, the words finally coming to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said into Noa’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Everything’s all my fault. I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t,” Noa said. “It’s okay. It was my fault too.”

Rion tried to shake his head but Noa began to pull back. Rion clung to him, desperate, before he realized he shouldn’t squeeze the breath out of his best friend. He let go and Noa put some space between them.

But Noa didn’t pull away. Not completely. He grabbed Rion by the arms and Rion grabbed him right back, holding on for dear life, hands fisted in his sleeves.

“I have a lot of things to tell you,” Noa said.

“Like that it’s not my fault?” Rion said. “Please don’t say that. I don’t want to hear it.”

“It’s not about that,” Noa said. “I did things, and you did things, and… I’m not mad at you.”

“I’m not mad at you either,” Rion said. “I’m just… I’m sorry about Amber. And I’m sorry that I fought with you. I’m sorry I didn’t go away when you asked me to. I’m sorry you got hurt and sent to the hospital. And I’m sorry that things aren’t the way they used to be, and…”

It was all coming out of him in a rush. Noa gripped him tighter and cut in when Rion gasped for breath, hiccupping, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry too,” Noa said. “I’m sorry for all of that too. And I forgive you. I forgive you for everything.”

It wasn’t what Rion was expecting to hear. He wasn’t ready for it. The words opened a floodgate and all he could do was cling to Noa and cry.

Noa held onto him. He let Rion cry and breathe and be a mess of a person.

“I forgive you too. For everything,” Rion finally struggled to say.

“I know,” Noa said. “There’s something else I need to tell you. It’s really, really important.”

“What? What is it?”

“My father’s here.”

Rion blinked at him, trying to catch up to the weight of that statement.

“Your…your dad?” he said. “He’s here? He… How is he?”

“Good,” Noa said. “He’s good. We’ve been talking. He… I only have so much time to explain. I have a lot to do, but… I was right. This whole time I was right. He told me the truth. Everything with Mother was an accident. He saved my life and he never meant to kill her.”

Rion gave him a wavering smile, sniffling. “I knew… I always knew you were right. That’s… That’s great, Noa.”

Noa nodded and then said, “He wants me to live with him.”

It hurt as much as a physical blow. Because Rion already knew what Noa’s answer would be. He already knew what Noa would want.

He should be happy for him. He should be happy that Noa could be back with his dad again, that they could reconnect.

But Rion felt like he was losing Noa.

He felt like he was losing everything.

Rion couldn’t see anything through his tears, the world a blurry smear of dull colours.

“Th-that…that’s great,” he choked out. “Noa… You should… You should go. You should be with him. That’s so…”

He couldn’t finish. It hurt too much. Rion felt like he was being cleaved open. There were needles in his throat. He couldn’t speak.

Noa was going to leave him and they would never see each other again. It was all over. It was done.

Rion thought he might never see Noa again when he’d gone up to the roof, but that was different. That would be because he would die and go to Hell, and…

Not like this.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“We’re going to go to Japan for a bit,” Noa said.

Every word was a cut, a gash, a wound. This was a million times worse than rolling through glass. Rion wanted to puke.

“And then I’m going to come back.”

“To the city, right?” Rion said. “You used to live in the city.”

“We’re still talking about it,” Noa said.

And what did that mean? Would they move even farther away? Would he make plans to move to Japan?

Did it matter? Noa was leaving him forever.

Rion braced himself, prepared for what Noa would say next. It would probably be something like ‘I’ll call’ or ‘I’ll write’ and then it would happen for a while until it didn’t. Just like how it had been with Danny.

One day, they would stop talking. And they’d never see each other again. Noa would be gone.

He would be gone.

Rion would be totally alone.

“Okay,” Rion forced out. “That’s…great. It’s great, Noa.”

“I want you to wait for me.”

Rion tried to blink away his tears. He didn’t understand.

“Wait for you?” he said.

“Wait for me,” Noa said. “There needs to be someone here for me to come back to. And I want to come back to you.”

Rion tried to understand. He felt stupid for how long it took him.

Noa wanted to come back for him.

“You… You want me to be here?” he said.

“They told me you tried to jump off the roof,” Noa said. And then Rion realized Noa was crying too. “Don’t do that to me. Don’t leave me behind. Don’t make me follow you where neither of us should go.”

“I wouldn’t want you to follow me!” Rion said, gripping him tighter. “I want you to be happy…”

“I can’t be happy without you.”

“You don’t mean that… You don’t want me around.”

“I do mean it. I’ve never meant anything more. I lied when I said I wanted you to go away. I was… I was just scared of hurting you.”

Noa pulled him into another bone crushing hug. Rion hugged him back just as fiercely, hanging on tight. He tried not to sob, his chest quivering from the strain.

“I love you,” Noa said.

“I love you too,” Rion said, his voice thick with tears.

“You’re my best friend. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for. I’d be lost without you. I would be… I would be dead without you.”

“Don’t say that, Noa.”

“But it’s true.”

“Well… Well, I’d be dead without you too,” Rion said, voice wavering. “You’re my best friend too. You’re everything to me.”

“That’s why I need you to be here when I come back,” Noa said. “You can’t kill yourself, okay? You can’t. Please. I’ll come back. I really will. I promise. I’ll try to get Father to buy a house in town. I’ll try… I’ll do whatever I can. I won’t leave you behind.”

Rion was shaking and crying, clutching at Noa. Because he wanted desperately for all of that to be true. He didn’t want Noa to leave and to never see him again. He couldn’t stand it.

“You promise?” Rion said. “You’ll come back?”

“I promise,” Noa said. “I promise, I promise, I promise. I’ll always come back for you. No matter what, I’ll find a way. Promise me you’ll still be here.”

“I promise,” Rion said. And he meant it. “I promise I won’t let you down. I…”

“Promise you won’t kill yourself.”

“I promise.”

“You have to say the whole thing.”

“I promise I won’t kill myself. I promise I’ll wait for you.”

Noa pulled back. They were both teary eyed and snot faced. Rion tried to scrub the worst of it away, but it was no use.

Noa held out his hand, pinky raised.

Rion let out a wavering laugh. He raised his own pinky, hooking them together.

“Pinky promise?” he said.

“Cross my heart,” Noa said, “and hope to die.”

“Stick a needle in my eye,” Rion finished.

Rion went to pull his hand back but Noa grabbed hold. He gave his hand a squeeze. Rion squeezed back.

“Keep seeing Dr. Maes,” Noa said.

“I’m going to,” Rion said, sniffling. “I have to.”

“I’m going to do the same,” Noa said. “But I need to wait until I come back. I… I also told everyone the truth…”

“What?” Rion gasped, grabbing onto Noa’s hand tight with both of his own. “Why did you–?! Noa, no!”

“It’s okay,” Noa said. “It’s okay. It’s… If they’re mad at me or not… It’s my punishment. And I’m going to be with Father, so… Everyone has time to think about it.”

Rion opened his mouth to protest but then closed it. That made sense. Noa would be away and safe from everyone. Maybe… Maybe going with his dad was the better choice after all.

“Does your father… Does he know?” Rion asked.

“Yes,” Noa said. “I told him.”

“Is he mad?”

“We’re the same. Because of Mother. He understands, even if he isn’t happy… He didn’t know Amber that well.”

“I guess that’s… Does this mean you’re leaving right away?”

Noa nodded. “I have to pack up my things. I’m not sure I’ll be able to come back and say goodbye because we’re leaving today or tomorrow.”

“That...that’s so soon,” Rion said, feeling dizzy. “Will you call? Or write?”

“Peter said you probably have an email,” Noa said. “I don’t have one, but he said it would be easier if we did it that way.”

Rion blinked. He had an email, but he mostly used it to sign up for things and do stuff online. He didn’t really have anyone to talk to or message or anything.

But that… It would work. It would be better than writing letters and easier than calling.

“Um… Um, yeah. I can write it down or something,” Rion said. “I can’t check it in the hospital, but… There’s also MSN, and… I didn’t even think about that.”

“Peter knows more about it than I do,” Noa admitted. “But he said he would help me set it up. He wanted me to give you his email too. For when you get out of the hospital. He said he could help set everything up.”

“Yeah… Yeah, that’s… That’s great,” he said.

Rion was stunned. It felt like everything was happening so fast. He was having trouble keeping up.

“Um… I should get going,” Noa said. “I need to pack, and… Father and everyone else are waiting for me.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Rion said.

The words left him before he could stop himself. Noa gave his hand another squeeze.

“I don’t want to leave you either,” Noa said. “But I’ll come back. And you’ll be here, waiting.”

Rion nodded. He wasn’t okay with it, but he was reassured. He believed in Noa.

Maybe if he took some time to lay down and breathe and think about it… Or maybe if he talked to Dr. Maes…

He had to make this work. For Noa.

Noa pulled his hand away. Rion wanted to grab onto him again and never let go. But it was impossible, and he couldn’t hold Noa back.

Noa should be with his dad. He should be with his family. He should reconnect with them and be happy.

“I’ll talk to you every day,” Noa said.

“Same here,” Rion told him. “It’s not… This isn’t goodbye.”

“It’s not goodbye,” Noa said. “It’s… I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Rion said with a wavering smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Chapter 93 – Rion

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Rion was eventually discharged from the hospital.

By that time, Noa was already in Japan.

Noa kept his promise. He called and emailed every day. Rion checked as much as he could. Sometimes they got on MSN and would chat for a few hours in the morning or evening. It was a little hard with the difference in time zones, but they made it work.

It kept Rion going. Every day was a little easier.

His dad didn’t work as often. He came home on time, and he put an end to overnights in the city. Rion and his dad spent more time together. They would watch TV and talk to each other. They cooked together and ate together in the dining room. Rion wasn’t quite used to it yet, but he liked it.

His dad didn’t want Rion to go back to school yet. He was worried about him and wanted him to take some time to sort things out. The school sent Rion a huge pile of homework that he worked on in the evenings.

Rion’s dad didn’t want to leave him alone either, but a solution came in the form of Danny and his family. Mr. Fox offered to watch him while his dad was at work. Rion agreed but insisted on helping Mr. Fox with his new business. It worked out for everyone.

And it gave Rion something to do. Hanging out with Danny and his family was good. He felt like Danny needed it too, because he was sweating about Monique. He couldn’t stop talking about her.

“She wants to go out. Like on dates,” Danny told him with a nervous laugh. “I have no idea what to do. I mean, honestly? I like her. A lot. But I’m scared of messing things up.”

Rion didn’t know anything about girls and his relationship with Monique… He didn’t hate her, but he didn’t consider her a friend, since she’d always hung around Sarina.

He didn’t have any advice for Danny. But he listened to him, offering what little he could.

Rion was still seeing Dr. Maes regularly. He was starting to feel a little better, not just because of their talks, but because he was listening to what she said and trying to put her advice into practice.

When something didn’t work for him, they’d try something new. When he was struggling, Dr. Maes would help him find out the reason behind it. It was hard, but he felt a small bud of hope starting to form. He wanted to think that maybe things could work out.

Other than his dad, Dr. Maes was probably the only person he trusted. He felt safe with her.

He still saw the others. Peter checked in on him and would hang out sometimes. Celeste would visit and she even knit him a toque and matching mitts. He’d only seen Jesse a couple times and their conversations were strained. But he knew Jesse meant well, and that was…something.

Sarina was the only one he hadn’t seen in a while. And he was fine with that.

On Saturday, his dad realized belatedly that he’d forgotten to pick up some things for supper. With Rion’s birthday happening the next day, and his dad being busy, Rion offered to head to the store. It wasn’t a long walk. Rion promised to be home in a few minutes.

The walk was snowy and cold. He found everything he needed at the store, but when he stepped outside, grocery bag in hand…

“Hey!”

Rion recognized that voice.

Eric.

Rion grimaced, turning around. Eric and Kyle were headed right for him. They were just as bundled up, Kyle almost disappearing into his scarf, but they’d spotted him. Eric was waving at him.

They were the last people Rion wanted to see.

“Rion!” Eric called out. “I thought that was you!”

He jogged over with Kyle. Rion would have run, if it weren’t for the snow. He was mostly healed, but some of his injuries still felt raw. He didn’t want to trip and fall, or…

“Where the fuck have you been?” Eric said once they reached him.

“Everyone said you were in the hospital,” Kyle said, pulling down his scarf. “Did you really get into a knife fight with Noa?”

“No,” Rion said. “Fuck off. Leave me alone. I need to get home.”

He tried to walk away but Eric grabbed him by the arm. It was the same one that had been cut by Noa. It prickled painfully when he tried to jerk free.

“Let go,” Rion said.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Eric said, giving him a shake. Rion hissed through his teeth. “You think you’re tough, attacking some poor mute kid?”

“I didn’t do anything to Noa!” Rion snapped, trying to pull free. “Fuck off!”

“That’s not what everyone’s saying,” Kyle said. “They're saying you pulled a knife on him and that he had to move away to get away from you.”

“What could have made you go after Noa?” Eric said, jerking Rion when he tried to pull away again. “Weren’t you two boyfriends as kids?”

“Best friends, asshole,” Rion snapped. “I don’t owe you an explanation. Let go.”

Eric sneered. “Oh, I get it… You came onto him, didn’t you. Bet you begged him to fuck you and freaked out like a little psycho when he was disgusted–”

Rion tried to elbow Eric, but with the padded winter coats, it didn’t do much. And then Eric was twisting his arm painfully, trying to force him to the ground. Rion tried to wrench himself free, biting back a pained whine. It wasn’t working–

“Hey, Eric!”

Rion looked up along with Eric, just in time to see Sarina lunging at them.

She punched Eric right in the face.

Eric and Rion both fell, Eric landing half on top of him. Rion tried to scramble away, kicking, and Eric shoved him, the pair of them floundering in the snow. But then Sarina was there, dragging Eric off Rion by the arm.

“Get away from him!” Sarina said.

“Sarina, what the fuck?!” Eric screeched, pushing himself to his feet.

He tried to shove her away. Sarina threw her whole weight against him, heaving him into a snowbank. He went down with a cry, thrashing when he sunk into a deep pile of snow. He kicked his legs wildly, trying to scramble back to his feet.

“What are you doing?!” Kyle said, freaking out from the sidelines. “Sarina, what the hell?!”

“Fuck you!” she snapped at him. “Get out of here, you fucking weasel!”

She raised gloved fists, like she was going to hit him. Kyle made an incoherent sound of panic, stumbling back, tripping over his own feet. He fell to his ass on the sidewalk.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Sarina?!” Eric snarled, getting to his feet. He was covered in snow, his toque half falling off. “You’ve been giving us the cold shoulder for ages and now you’re siding with this piece of shit?”

“Yeah, I am!” Sarina said. “You think I’m scared of you? I’ll kick your fucking ass!”

“Yeah, right! You’re a fucking girl!”

Eric lunged for her, grabbing at her. Sarina pushed back. And, for once, Rion was genuinely worried for her. Because she was smaller than Eric, and he–

Sarina kneed Eric in the groin. Hard. He went down instantly, wheezing in agony.

Sarina didn’t linger, she hurried over to Rion, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up. She snatched up his grocery bag, pushing him forward.

“Come on! Let’s go!” she urged him. “Go! Go! Go!”

Rion ran with her. They probably didn’t need to since Eric and Kyle didn’t seem to be following them. They finally came to stop in front of his house, out of breath.

“There. Woo…” Sarina puffed out. “You good?”

“Why… Why did you do that?” Rion panted.

“Do what?”

“You helped me. You fought them.”

Sarina stood straighter. “Because it’s wrong. Because no one should be attacking you.”

“You used to,” Rion said, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice.

He still hadn’t forgiven her. In fact, this felt like it was some weird plan to stab him in the back. He didn’t trust her. He didn’t feel safe.

“I know. I’m a bitch,” she said. “And I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to change.”

Rion grimaced. He doubted that.

“I know. I don’t expect you to believe me,” she said, noticing the look. “But I’m not going to sit around and watch you get beat up by those two morons. Especially since you were in the hospital not that long ago. I can’t believe they’d go after you like that!”

“You would have,” he said.

“Not anymore,” she said. But she didn’t deny it. “I fucked up. A lot. And I’m sorry, Rion.”

Well, that was a better apology than her last one. He didn’t care. He let it slide, because…

“Are people really saying that I attacked Noa?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Sarina said. “I’ve told them it’s bullshit but, you know, rumours are rumours.”

“Fuck.”

This was what he would have to look forward to when he finally came back to school. People were going to talk. They were going to make up all this bullshit about what happened.

And Noa was going to have to deal with it too, when he came back.

There was nothing Rion could do.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sarina said. “Who the fuck cares what anyone thinks? Like, anyone who knows you won’t believe that shit. And other people? Eric? Kyle? Fuck ‘em.”

“I don’t want it to be a problem for Noa,” Rion said.

“You’re not making problems for anyone. People are making problems for you,” she said. She held out his grocery bag. “You can’t stop them from talking. So, stop giving a shit.”

In a weird way, Sarina had a point. He took the bag.

“I guess… Thanks for helping out,” he said.

“Better get used to it,” Sarina said. “I’m ready to fight Eric and Kyle any time.”

“Are you sure? Eric is definitely stronger than you. If he hits you…”

“If he hits me, I’ll do like Peter said and call the cops on his sorry ass. Let that dumb fuck do some jail time. See if he thinks twice about it once he’s had a taste of some consequences.”

Rion smiled bitterly at the thought. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it. The whole situation was a mess.

Maybe Sarina was right. He didn’t know.

“Anyway, I’m freezing my ass off,” Sarina said. “You’re good, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m good,” he said. “See you, Sarina.”

“Yeah…”

He turned and headed up the steps, reaching for the front door.

“Oh. Hey, Rion?”

He stopped and glanced back.

“What is it?”

“She’s not mad,” Sarina said.

Rion blinked. He stared at her, not understanding.

“What? What are you talking about?” he said.

“Amber,” Sarina said. “She’s not mad. She would never be mad. Doesn’t matter what you did… She’d know you did it for Noa. So, don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

Rion was caught completely off-guard. He could only stand there, feeling side swiped.

Sarina grinned and waved. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

And then she was gone, sprinting down the sidewalk.

Chapter 94 – Jesse

Sunday, August 30, 1998

It was about nine at night when Amber grabbed the TV remote, turning it off without even rewinding the VHS.

Peter was already asleep in his seat, snoring softly. Noa and Rion were both out too, Noa leaning into Rion, who was leaning into Amber. That put all the pressure on Jesse since Amber was snuggled up to him. Not that he minded.

“I think it’s time to call it a night,” Amber said to Jesse.

“Yeah,” he said. “Can’t believe they all fell asleep. It isn’t even that late.”

“They’re kids,” Amber said.

She leaned in and stole a quick kiss. Jesse leaned in for another one but pulled back sharply when Mr. Murphy peeked his head in from the kitchen.

“Is the movie over?” he said.

“Yup,” Amber said, sitting straighter.

“I was just about to head home,” Jesse added.

“I was going to walk him next door,” Amber said. “I just have to untangle myself.”

“Okay,” Mr. Murphy said. “Sounds good.”

He disappeared back into the kitchen. Both of Amber’s parents had been in there for the better part of the evening, chatting in voices too soft to be heard over the movie.

“Urgh. Feels like I have three brothers instead of one,” Amber said, gently trying to pull away from Rion. “I don’t want to wake them up.”

“It’s fine. They need to head to bed anyway,” Jesse said.

He wasn’t even sure if Rion was supposed to be sleeping over, but it happened so often that Jesse didn’t question it. He was practically part of the family.

“I know, but I’d rather Mom and Dad woke them up,” she said and then glanced back at Jesse. “I don’t wanna be the bad guy.”

“You’re not the bad guy. You’re the responsible one,” he said.

She rolled her eyes playfully. Jesse got up so that Amber had more room to shuffle to the side. But when she did, Rion stirred.

“Nn… Mom?” he said.

He sounded half asleep. It was probably just a weird dream and a slip of the tongue. But Jesse jolted.

Rion never brought up his mom.

Amber was surprised too, but she quickly put on a smile. “No, Rion. Sorry. It’s just me – Amber.”

“Wha…?” Rion said and then woke right up, his whole face going red. “Oh… Oh! Amber! Good morning!”

“Good night, you mean,” she said.

Noa grumbled unhappily, raising his head. He squinted at them in sleepy annoyance as he pulled Rion close.

“What?” Noa said.

“I’m going to walk Jesse home,” Amber said. “You guys should get to bed.”

“But I’m comfyyy,” Noa said, snuggling back down.

“Amber’s right,” Rion said. “We should wake up Peter too.”

“Don’t wanna,” Noa said into his shoulder.

“Don’t be a baby, Noa,” Amber said. “If you’re that tired, then you should head to bed. Or pull out the sleeping bags. Is Rion sleeping in your room tonight?”

“Sure,” Noa said.

“I think so,” Rion added. “If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay,” Amber said. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Why are you so noisy?”

The question came from Peter who followed it up by tossing a cushion at Amber. It bounced harmlessly off her shoulder.

“Ow! Hey!” she protested.

“No pillow fights,” Mrs. Murphy said as she came into the living room. She turned on the main lights and they flinched. “Time to get ready for bed.”

“I’ve been blinded!” Peter complained.

“You’re fine,” Mrs. Murphy said. “Come on. Up.”

The boys were all groaning complaints at having to get up. Amber took Jesse by the hand. He gave her a squeeze and she squeezed back.

“I’m just gonna go walk Jesse home,” Amber said. “We’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Mrs. Murphy said. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

They stepped outside together. The air was still warm, and it made the walk nice, even though it wasn't far. The lights were on in Jesse’s house, including the porch light. There was an entire gathering of insects swarmed around.

“Hey, we should try and make time to hang out next weekend,” Amber said.

“We might not have time,” Jesse said. “I mean, since we’re saying goodbye to Danny and his family… And then we need to clean the cabin and all that. It’s going to be busy. Plus, there’s school.”

“I know,” Amber said. “But I want to have more time with you. Even if it’s just a couple hours.”

“Sure,” he said. “I mean, I love spending time with you. It’s not like I don’t want to.”

“I know,” she said.

And then she hugged him abruptly. Jesse wasn’t expecting it, but he hugged her back, holding her tight.

“I love you so much,” Amber said.

“I love you too,” Jesse said.

She peeked up at him, eyes catching light in the dark.

“We’re going to be together, right? No matter what?”

“Yeah. Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” Jesse said, surprised. “Did something happen? Or are you worried about something?”

“I’m just… I don’t know. There’s a lot going on I guess,” Amber said. “Danny’s moving away, and school is starting… I’ve been feeling really emotional about everything.”

“That… Yeah, that’s fair,” Jesse said. He didn’t really get it, but he tried to. “I’m here for you. And you know you can talk to me about anything.”

“Yeah. I know,” she said, smiling warmly. “I’m just… Urgh… I don’t know how to say it. Maybe…? I don’t know.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Jesse asked.

Amber hesitated. She opened her mouth but then closed it, shaking her head.

“I just need to think about some stuff, and… I feel overwhelmed, I guess,” she said. “Next weekend, everything should sort itself out. Once we say goodbye to Danny and the cabin’s all cleaned up for winter, I’ll deal with stuff.”

“That’s a good idea,” Jesse said. “I’m sure everything will work out.”

“Yeah,” Amber agreed. “You should head in. If we take too long, our parents will start to wonder.”

“You’re right.”

They stole another kiss and then Amber let him go, stepping back with a smile.

“Goodbye, Jesse,” she said. “Have a good night. I love you.”

“Bye,” he said with a wave. “Love you too.”

Epilogue – Rion

Friday, September 4, 2009

Driving back to Misty Meadows felt nostalgic, even though Rion had only moved away a couple years ago. It was weird. It must be a sign that he was getting used to his shared apartment with Noa.

Or maybe it was because they’d spent last week in Japan.

“They updated the sign,” Noa said, on their way in.

“It needed an update,” Rion said. “So, where to first?”

“I thought you said you wanted to stop by your place first,” Noa said.

“I mean, yes, but that could take a while,” Rion said with a fond huff. “Mom will want to talk. And she’s going to be happy to see you.”

Mom. He wasn’t quite used to saying it. Maybe he never would be. But every time the word left his lips, it made him feel warm and fuzzy and like everything was right with the world.

Sure, she wasn’t his real mom. His real mom was dead. But she loved him and his dad, and that was… It was something that Rion didn’t have words for. It made him endlessly happy.

“You think it’s not going to take a while once we stop by my aunt and uncle’s?” Noa said, rolling his eyes. “We’re going to be trapped once they find out I quit my job.”

“They’ll be happy for you,” Rion said. “I mean, you’ve pretty much got a new job. That new job is just…”

“Art commissions,” Noa said.

“And you might be working on a manga series with Shota.”

“I’m not sure if his idea is fully fleshed out. We’ll see. I don’t know all the details. I need to know more about his plans and what he wants to do, if it’s a one shot or a series. It’s…”

“It’s a lot. I know. You told me several times,” Rion said. “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah. I know.”

They pulled up in front of Rion’s house and got out of the car, stretching. Rion headed up the front steps, Noa not far behind him.

“Rion, do I look okay?”

“What?” Rion said, glancing back at him. “You look fine. Why are you worried about that?”

Noa blinked at him and then glanced away, shrugging. “We’re seeing everyone today. I want to make a good impression.”

Rion had grown a couple inches taller, with Noa barely keeping up, shorter than him by half an inch. They’d both filled out, especially Noa, who was getting more active and jogging every morning. Noa had started growing a neatly trimmed beard, giving him a handsome, mature look.

“You’re fine,” Rion said with a smile. “You always look great.”

Noa rolled his eyes. “I wish you would stop saying that. I know it’s not true.”

“Trust me, if you have a giant stain somewhere or your fly’s unzipped, I’ll let you know,” Rion said.

“That’s not–”

He fell silent as Rion knocked on the door before stepping inside.

Mom came to greet them, her red hair wild. Matt ran out behind her on tiny legs.

“Rion!” Matt cried.

Rion knelt so that he could pull his little brother into a tight hug.

“Hey, I missed you too!” he said, scooping him up in his arms and standing. “Oof… You’re getting huge! How old are you now?”

“Three!” Matt said proudly, holding up his fingers.

“Three!” Rion repeated. “You’re pretty much all grown up. I shouldn’t be carrying you around.”

“No, I like it!” Matt said, throwing his arms around him. “Carry me!”

“I hope you missed me too,” his mom spoke up, smiling at them.

“Of course,” Rion said, hugging her awkwardly with his free arm. “I always miss you.”

“Hi, Dr. Maes,” Noa said from behind him.

“Oh, Noa, just Laura is fine. Really,” she said with a big smile. “Come on in! It’s been a while. How was Japan?”

“Great!” Rion said.

“Busy,” Noa added as they stepped inside.

“Did you bring presents?” Matt asked them.

“Trust a kid to ask the important questions,” Rion said, setting Matt down. “Yeah, we got you some souvenirs. But we’ll give them to you later, okay?”

“Why?” Matt said with a pout.

“Because we need to get them out of the trunk,” Rion said.

“Let them sit down first and have a drink, okay Matt? They had a long drive,” Mom said. “Hart just put on coffee. He’s in the kitchen.”

In some ways, Rion was still adjusting to the fact that Dr. Maes – Laura – was his mom.

When he was still in therapy, his dad and Dr. Maes started talking. At first, they were just friends. Then Dr. Maes told Rion she wasn’t going to be able to see him anymore, because his dad wanted to go out with her.

It was a shock at the time. Not a bad one, just… It was a surprise. But Dr. Maes helped him find a therapist first, someone who was a really good match. And when she did start going out with his dad, neither one of them made him uncomfortable.

Somehow, it worked out. Actually, it worked out really well. Rion liked her and she brought out the best in his dad.

Then came Matt. He was another surprise for Rion. Suddenly, he had a baby brother. It was a different kind of scary, wrapped up in awe and excitement. And it was crazy to think that the people in Rion’s life had expanded so quickly.

They were a family.

It felt right sitting in the kitchen with Noa and his parents, catching up. Matt got bored of the conversation, playing with some dinosaurs at the table while they chatted.

“Art commissions… That sounds like a lot of work,” Rion’s dad said.

“It can be,” Noa said. “It was paying several times more than my job at the bar. And that’s including the tips. I was starting to feel like I was losing money when I was working my day job. And I dropped out of university, so…”

“There’s a lot of options online too,” Rion added. “Noa got himself a great computer and this whole drawing tablet thing. Some people will pay him hundreds for a single drawing. And he’s building a name for himself.”

“So you’re doing digital art?” Mom asked.

“I prefer physical mediums,” Noa said. “I like pencils and paint. I’ve dabbled with a bit of everything, even sculpting. But most of my commissions are digital since it’s easier to send online.”

“We have enough space in our apartment that he’s got his art room, and I’ve got my gaming room,” Rion said. “Noa’s dad found us a great place to rent. I can’t stop thanking him.”

“I was going to ask you about that gaming stuff,” his dad said. “You’ve been doing all those YouTube videos. How’s it going?”

“It’s, uh… It’s going,” Rion said, his face heating up. “That, uh… It’s really taking off.”

He didn’t really want to talk about why it was taking off, though.

He’d started his YouTube channel mostly because he’d seen game walkthroughs and let’s-players uploading their stuff. He’d spent at least six years with games as his only companions, so he was confident he knew what he was doing. At first, he’d had a small audience. It grew slowly over time.

That changed when he’d started doing face-cam. He’d seen a huge boost in views. His numbers were growing, and he’d even gotten some requests to collab. And then he did a silly thing where he cross-dressed on April Fool’s, and…

He still hadn’t heard the end of it. People kept demanding that he come back in a maid dress. The numbers, requests, and attention were a little scary. He wasn’t used to it.

“It’s because you’re pretty,” Noa had told him, as if that explained everything.

It didn’t.

He was taking a break from posting this week. Rion still had his university classes. He hadn’t dropped out like Noa, and was still considering what he wanted to do for a real career.

“Rion’s popular online,” Noa said.

“I wouldn’t say popular,” Rion quickly added.

“His videos are good,” Noa added. “Have you seen any?”

“A few., yeah,” his dad said. “But I don’t know much about games. It’s a little lost on me. It looks like you’re having fun though, Rion.”

“Yeah. Yeah, for sure,” Rion said.

They chatted for a while before going to the car to grab their souvenirs. They handed them out before heading to the Murphys.

“I’m jealous,” Noa said on the way.

“What?” Rion said. “Jealous?”

Noa gave him one of his rare smiles. “You have the best mom.”

Rion snorted. “Yeah, okay. She’s pretty great.”

Arriving at the Murphys, they were greeted with the warmest of welcomes.

“Rion! Noa!” Mrs. Murphy said, hugging one and then the other. “It’s so good to see you!”

“Peter!” Mr. Murphy called. “Noa and Rion are here!”

Peter came running. He nearly breezed past Rion to get to Noa.

“Noa!” he said. “Noa, we’re done with the alpha! The game’s in beta now!”

“That’s great,” Noa said. “Are you working on something new?”

“That’s a secret,” Peter said. “But if we were, would you help with the art again? Glass Angel is stunning, and I would kill to have your talent for another project.”

“I’d be happy to,” Noa said. “You don’t even need to pay me. Last time was fun.”

“I’ll pay you,” Peter promised.

“Give him some breathing room,” Mrs. Murphy said with a small laugh.

“Did you want coffee?” Mr. Murphy added.

“No, we already stopped by my parents’,” Rion said. “It’s all good. But thanks.”

“Oh! Rion! I love your channel by the way,” Peter said, jumping on him next. “Our whole team subscribed. You think when Glass Angel releases, you could play the game? It would really help advertise.”

“Peter, I’m already sold,” Rion said. “It looks great, and I’ve seen all the work Noa put into it. I’m going to play it as soon as I can.”

“Awesome! Perfect!” he said.

“You sound like you’re running on ten energy drinks,” Noa said.

“Two cans of pop,” Peter corrected him. “I should get an energy drink. I pulled an all-nighter sending emails last night.”

“Geez,” Rion said with a weak laugh. “On today of all days?”

Peter had the grace to look sheepish. “I’m dealing with a lot. I always have ten million things to do. But I’m happy! Things are going well! It’s going to calm down soon. I’m going to have a mini vacation.”

“That’s good,” Noa said. “I’m going to get mad at you if you overwork yourself.”

They lingered for a few hours, catching up. Eventually they decided it was time to head to the graveyard and meet up with everyone. The Murphys hung back, wanting to pick up flowers, so Rion and Noa went ahead.

The drive was short, but Jesse had beaten them there. His roses were already on Amber’s grave. Sarina was there too, dressed in a pale pink suit jacket and dress pants.

“Hi,” Noa called out waving.

“Noa!” Sarina said enthusiastically, waving with both arms. “Hiii!”

“What is with that outfit?” Rion said as they all caught up.

“Work clothes,” Sarina said with a roll of her eyes. “I drove here right after I got off. Urgh. I hate it.”

“Where do you work?” Noa said. “That’s…uh…”

“I’m a clerk for the city,” she said. “People come to me to pay for parking tickets and all that trash. It’s the worst. Everyone’s an asshole. But the pay is pretty good.”

“Pink doesn’t suit you,” Rion told her.

“And I suppose you’re the fashion expert, huh?” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“No, but I have eyes,” he told her.

Things weren’t perfect between Rion and Sarina, but she’d kept her word.

Some part of him still didn’t trust her. His memories of how she’d treated him still lingered. But Sarina had made a lot of new memories.

She’d stuck up for him that last year in school. She even got smacked in the face by Eric once and really did charge him with assault. The whole thing had been crazy and started up about a million rumours.

Sarina wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t the same girl she used to be. She was at least tolerable now, even if they weren’t friends.

“I have to agree with Rion,” Jesse spoke up. “That shade of pink doesn’t do you any favours, Sarina. It’s a bit…”

“Whatever,” she said, waving a hand. “I don’t care. If I blind the people at work, then good.”

“It’s great to see you both,” Jesse added, turning to Noa and Rion. “How are things?”

“Okay,” Rion said, a little more reserved.

Things were still a little awkward with Jesse.

None of them forgot what happened. Rion would always remember being carried down from the hospital roof by Jesse and Jesse would always remember carrying him. For better or worse, it left a permanent mark on their relationship. Coupled with what happened to Amber…

But, in a weird way, it was nice. They understood each other. And Rion had grown to appreciate the fact that Jesse had saved his life. He was grateful.

“Things are good,” Noa said. “How’s the new job? You’re a teacher now?”

“Yeah. Finally. Middle school,” Jesse said. “It’s good so far. A lot of work, a lot of planning.”

“A lot of holidays,” Sarina said to him.

“Yeah. There’s holidays,” he said with a small smile. “I’m looking forward to next summer.”

“Hey, guys!”

Danny had arrived with Monique.

“Danny! Hey!” Sarina said.

When Danny came bounding over, Sarina pulled him into a hug. Monique walked over and stuck a hand between them, waving in Sarina’s face.

“Be careful with my fiancé, Sarina,” she said.

“He’s my best friend. No need to be territorial,” Sarina said.

“Don’t be boring,” Monique huffed.

“It’s fine,” Danny laughed. “Wow! It’s so great to see everyone! Hugs, hugs, hugs!”

He lunged for Jesse next and then made sure to hug Noa and Rion. Monique shook her head behind him with a small, amused huff.

Rion, however, was attracted to the T-shirt she was wearing. It didn’t quite match with her ripped shorts, fishnets, and combat boots.

“The Very Noisy Bears?” he read aloud, studying the cartoonish image of several bears that looked like they were…in a ska band?

“Oh! Yeah! My band!” Danny said as Monique smoothed out the shirt for everyone to get a good look. “We really took off last year! We’re kind of niche-popular and do opening acts for stuff, but it’s great!”

“Danny is amazing,” Monique said. “Him and his friends are working really hard.”

“Aw, Moni. Thanks!” Danny said. “But yeah, we’ve been really busy.”

“Do you guys perform in the city?” Noa asked.

“Yeah, of course,” Danny said.

“Maybe we’ll come to one of your shows,” Rion said, already knowing where Noa’s thoughts were going. “I’d like to see you live.”

“Oh! Yeah! For sure!” Danny said. “That would be so awesome! I’ll let you know when and where our next show is! I’ll fire you guys a text or something.”

As Danny began to go on excitedly about the band, Travis and Celeste arrived. They took a bit to come over, since they had…

“My little baby nephew!” Sarina said, hurrying over to meet them. “Steve!”

“His name is Stéphane. Don’t call him Steve,” Travis said in annoyance.

“But he’s my nephew,” Sarina said. “And I’m his cool aunt. It’s my job to give him a cool nickname.”

Travis rolled his eyes while Celeste laughed, cradling the baby in her arms.

“It’s fine, Travis. She’s teasing,” Celeste said.

“Hey,” Jesse said, coming over. “How’s it going?”

“Great,” Travis said. “Been busy with work and stuff, but you know how it is.”

“How are you?” Celeste added.

“Not bad,” Jesse said, smiling down at Stéphane. “Hi, there.”

“Do you want to hold him?” Celeste asked.

While Jesse gently accepted the baby, cradling him in his arms with Celeste hovering nearby, Travis turned to Noa and Rion. He’d really cleaned up and no longer smelled of lingering incense and weed. Hard to tell if he had changed for Celeste or if she had changed him. Maybe a bit of both.

“Hi, Rion. Noa,” he greeted them.

“Hey,” Rion said.

The Murphys arrived then, with lilies for Amber. And then Rion’s family showed up. It was a pretty big crowd, everyone chatting and catching up.

It felt kind of like a family gathering. Except everyone had gathered for Amber.

Rion wished she could have been there to see it.

Eventually it got late. One at a time, they left. Rion and Noa got an invitation from just about everyone to come for coffee or supper or, in both of their family’s cases, to spend the night. They politely declined but made plans for later.

Danny, Monique, and Jesse were among the last to leave.

“Hey,” Danny said to Rion as Monique got into their car. “You still hang out with Russ, right?”

“Oh. Yeah,” Rion said. “We keep in touch.”

Rion had a moment a while back where he told some of the people he trusted that he was gay.

His parents, of course, accepted it without question. And Laura already knew from when he’d told her back when they still had sessions together.

Noa barely even reacted. He’d said, “okay” and been completely unbothered. The fact that he’d still wanted to be Rion’s roommate later despite that was still a little unreal to him. When Rion pestered him about it, worried that Noa might be secretly uncomfortable, Noa told him, “Why are you worried? If you’re gay, you’re gay. It doesn’t change anything.”

They were best friends. Noa treated him like a normal person. And Rion really valued that.

Danny was one of the other people Rion told, and Danny had been surprisingly cool about it. His older brother, Russell, was gay. The whole family knew, and Rion was surprised because…well…they were normal about it too. He’d never thought people would be okay with it and he wasn’t sure why.

Maybe he’d just been paranoid. Maybe it was the small-town atmosphere, gossip and rumours, and strong media impressions. Maybe he was afraid of being hurt. Maybe he would have been hurt if he told the wrong person.

Either way, he was happy that it worked out the way it did.

Danny had reintroduced Rion to Russell. Russell had become a good friend, someone who was happy to help introduce Rion to the community and a bunch of resources. It helped him feel normal.

Rion was eternally grateful to Danny for that.

“I think Russ was talking about doing stuff for Pride or whatever next year,” Danny said. “Did he talk to you about that?”

“Yeah, he mentioned it,” Rion said.

“Are you gonna get involved?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Rion told him with a shrug. “I’m not super open about it. I mean… I don’t want to wear my sexuality on my sleeve. It’s part of me, but it’s not my whole identity. You know?”

“Oh, I totally get it,” Danny said. “I was just curious. Monique and I were thinking of lending a hand, and I was wondering if you were going to be involved. It’s cool either way. Oh, Russ also owes me, like, fifty bucks. So, when you see him next, can you remind him?”

“Yeah,” Rion said with a laugh. “I’ll remind him.”

“No boyfriend yet?” Danny added.

“Some dates… Nothing’s really worked out,” Rion said. “I’m not trying that hard, so…”

“Well, I hope you find someone,” Danny said. “I really lucked out with Monique, you know? She’s amazing. You deserve someone like that in your life too.”

“Yeah. Maybe. It would be nice,” Rion said. “But it’s whatever.”

“Okay,” Danny said. “Take care, man. I’ll see you around.”

He left with Monique and then it was just Rion, Noa, and Jesse.

“I should get going,” Jesse said. “Lots to do.”

“Yeah. That’s the sad part of being a responsible adult,” Rion said.

“And the fact that I have school to deal with, even as an adult,” Jesse said with a lopsided smile. “You two take care.”

“Thanks, Jesse,” Noa said. “You too.”

Jesse took one final look at Amber’s grave. Rion had the impression that he was saying his own silent goodbye.

Then he was gone too. It was just Noa and Rion by themselves in the graveyard.

“We should think about leaving too,” Rion said. “We’ve got that drive back to the city. We should do it before dark.”

“Yeah,” Noa agreed.

And then they were both silent as they stood there, staring at Amber’s grave. It was piled up with flowers: lilies and yellow roses.

Rion picked at his friendship bracelet. It had taken him a long time to start wearing it again. Danny had kept it all this time, and when he was ready, he gave it back to him.

It was a reminder, just like the long, thin scar that marked his forearm.

It was strange to think of everything that happened, strange to think of how everything had changed. Rion couldn’t really wrap his head around it.

He still wished things were different. He still wished that they could go back and change the past. But they couldn’t, and the days kept passing, one by one. They kept living their lives day by day. And somehow, it worked out.

It wasn’t perfect. But it was…something.

“Goodbye, Amber,” Noa finally said.

“Goodbye,” Rion added. “See you next year.”

Still, neither one of them moved. Not yet.

Rion reached out. His knuckles brushed Noa’s. He readjusted, taking Noa’s hand in his. Noa gave him a squeeze. Rion squeezed back.

“Come on,” Rion said, turning to him. “It’s time to go.”

“Yeah,” Noa said, turning back to him, smiling faintly. “Let’s go home.”

Dedication

Fragmented is dedicated to my best friend, Luca Lapin.

Without him, this novel would never have been written.