When Gary told Noa that he had a visitor, he assumed it was the Murphys coming to see him. He barely nodded, focused on an after-breakfast sketch of Gary’s hands.

He was trying as hard as he could to avoid thinking about Amber. Because he knew that Peter was asking about what happened to her. He couldn’t quite shake the thought. It was going to keep coming back to bother him because Peter wouldn’t let go.

And Noa didn’t want to think about Rion trying to kill himself. He didn’t want to think about him trying to jump off the roof. He didn’t want to think about any of it.

It left him with this constant sick feeling, a dull ache in his chest. He wanted it to go away. Everything hurt too much.

Noa glanced up when the door opened, but then stared openly, the charcoal slipping between his fingers, falling onto the table.

Standing in the doorway was his father.

He was older than Noa remembered, but he would have recognized him no matter what. He blinked rapidly, wondering if he was seeing things, wondering if he had lost his mind.

But his father didn’t disappear. He was still there, taking a hesitant step into the room. Noa’s vision was blurring with tears and soon he couldn’t make out anything at all.

Noa stood and threw himself at his father.

Makoto lunged forward and caught him in a fierce hug. And Noa hugged him back, desperate, burying his face into his jacket, hot tears running down his face.

He didn’t know how his father was here. He didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was…

“You’re here,” Noa said, squeezing as tight as he could. “You’re really here…”

“Noa…” his father said, voice thick with emotion.

And then he didn’t say anything. But he didn’t need to. It didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter because he was here, and he was real.

Noa would have clung to him forever if, eventually, his father didn’t pry Noa away. Dark eyes were damp with his own tears, but he looked Noa over, searching. He put a hand to Noa’s face, tracing one of his scrapes with a thumb.

“You’re hurt,” his dad said. “When I heard you were in the hospital, I flew in from Japan. What happened?”

“I… I got upset and broke some glasses,” Noa said, using the heel of his hand to wipe away tears. “It was my own fault.”

Makoto caught him by the wrist, stopping him from scrubbing at his face. Noa was confused until he saw the black on his fingers. He’d probably smeared charcoal all over.

“I have tissues,” Makoto said.

“Sorry…” Noa said.

Makoto pulled some tissues out of his pocket. He started to clean Noa’s hand for him and it left an unfamiliar ache in his chest. His father’s touch was so familiar. It brought on a fresh wave of tears. His breath kept catching in his throat, tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t stop.

Noa didn’t know if he was happy or sad or overwhelmed.

His father was here. He was right here in front of him. He could hardly believe it.

“Are you all right?” Makoto asked. “Elaine and Charles said you were struggling. They said you weren’t talking, and you… They told me I shouldn’t come, that I should give you time.”

“No!” Noa said, shocked. “No, no! I wanted to see you! I only hear news when Aunt Keiko sends letters or calls. I wanted to see you! I missed you more than anything!”

He had so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know where to start. His father finished cleaning his hands and gave him the rest of the tissues. Noa dried his eyes and blew his nose. It didn’t help much.

The ache in his chest was growing, deepening. He didn’t know this feeling. He was so, so happy but it felt like his happiness was hurting him.

“You’ve grown up. You’re so tall,” Makoto said and Noa let out a wavering laugh at the thought. He was only taller than Danny and that was because everyone was. “I mean it.”

“You’re really here?” Noa asked, afraid that he would blink and his father would disappear from sight. “You’re really real?”

“Yes,” his father said. “I know this is sudden, but I wanted to be here as soon as I could. I thought if I called, I would be told to stay away. And I came to take you with me. I want you to come home with me. I’m done waiting.”

Noa blinked at him, stunned. “Home…? You mean… What?”

“I’ve been taking care of my affairs, getting my life back on track,” Makoto said. “We can stay in the city, here in Canada. But I would like to make a trip to Japan with you. We need to make up for lost time.”

“I…” Noa began.

He began to feel overwhelmed. Worry ate at his insides, that ache inside him sharpening.

Rion.

Rion tried to kill himself. Noa couldn’t leave him.

“My friend…” he started.

“The one that did this to you?”

His father’s tone changed in an instant, going hard and cold. Noa tensed, looking down. He clasped his hands together painfully tight.

He didn’t know what his father heard, but he had to set things straight.

“Rion… He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He’s my best friend,” Noa said and gave a slow, hesitant glance up. “He was trying to save my life. He… He’s hurt worse than I am. He’s not okay. I’m worried.”

“He tried to save you,” his father repeated slowly.

Noa nodded and then squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to. But…

“I… I was the one who picked up the broken piece of glass,” he said. “I was… I don’t know what I was going to do. We were yelling and I was upset, and I… Rion tried to take it from me, and I cut up his arm, and…and everything is bad right now, and Peter said Rion tried to kill himself, and…and…”

And Amber was dead. And it was all his fault.

Everything was his fault, and it was a mess. He’d made everyone worry, and…

“Slow down,” his father said, sitting next to him. “You don’t need to explain everything at once.”

“But I do,” Noa said. “I do… I… I have to.”

Noa knew he could trust his own father. He was sure. He felt safe next to him, just like how he felt safe with Rion. He always felt like he could tell Rion everything, and… This was right. It was okay. He’d never been safer.

“Then what is it? What happened?” his father asked.

“I don’t know where to start,” Noa admitted. “Everything’s horrible. I’m horrible. It’s all my fault.”

“What’s your fault? The broken glass? Hurting your friend?”

“Yes, but I… I…”

Noa was struggling to say it. Saying it made it real. And when it was real, it all came back to him, and he saw and heard things… He didn’t want to relive that moment anymore. He didn’t want to.

But he owed his father an explanation.

“I…killed Amber,” he said, putting his face in his hands, his voice breaking.

It was quiet for too long. His insides squirmed. He felt disgusting…

“What happened?” his father eventually said, voice calm, soft, and even.

The words came pouring out of Noa. He’d held in the truth for so long that once he started talking, everything came out all at once. The truth came out in a flood.

Noa argued with Amber. He tried to get his arm free and pushed her. She fell. She didn’t move, didn’t respond, didn’t get up. And then Rion…

…Rion…

It left him raw and empty and horrible in a completely different way. But his father sat and listened quietly to everything from beginning to end. He let Noa talk and talk and talk…

“I’m just like you,” Noa said, scrubbing away tears. “I’m just like you… You killed Mother, and… Everyone says you’re evil and that you tried to kill me and…and…”

And Noa knew it wasn’t right.

“Tried to kill you?” his father repeated. “No. Never. What happened to your mother… I never meant to hurt her.”

Noa tried to blink away tears, looking up at him.

“What did happen?” Noa asked.

Because everyone always told him what he remembered wasn’t right. He was told that his father was horrible and abusive, that his father murdered his mother and tried to drown him in the bathtub.

But that wasn’t what Noa remembered.

He remembered his mother being so angry. He didn’t even know what he’d done to get her so upset but it must have been something really bad.

It was a blur.

Mother hit him. He’d tried to hide. She found him, grabbed him, squeezed him, dragged him to the bathroom, screaming at him.

The bathtub was running, water overflowing. It was freezing cold.

His mother’s hands squeezed tight around his throat. He was pushed down, held underwater.

When he breathed in, the freezing water became blistering hot in his chest. Everything burned. Everything hurt. He flailed and clawed and fought, thinking, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” because he couldn’t say the words aloud.

It was his mother. She’d hurt him. It had never been his father. Not once. Not ever.

But everyone told him he was wrong.

They told him that he didn’t remember right. They told him his father was evil and horrible and a murderer. They told him all kinds of things that Noa knew weren’t true. And when he tried to argue they would get frustrated with him. He was told how wrong he was again and again and again.

The only person who ever believed him was Rion.

“That day…” his father began and then paused, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Your mother and I had problems. We should have addressed things sooner. We made a lot of mistakes. Wendy… She needed help and I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t enough. Noa, I love her, and I don’t want you to think badly of her.”

Noa wasn’t sure he could agree. He did think badly of her. And what made it worse was that everyone told him it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t do anything wrong, that she was a victim and his father was evil.

“But she hurt me,” Noa said.

“She did. That was wrong,” his father was quick to say. “She shouldn’t have hit you or hurt you in any way, ever. That day… I wish I could say that I knew what happened. But I don’t.”

“She was mad at me,” Noa said.

“There was more to it,” his father said. “When I came home…when I found her… When I saw her with you in the bathtub… The only thought in my mind was saving you. I grabbed her and pulled her back. I threw her to the side so hard, and I… I didn’t realize she hit her head. I was so afraid. I thought she’d killed you.”

Noa remembered that too. He remembered coughing up water and vomiting all over the bathroom floor. He remembered his father holding onto him so tight, talking to him in a mix of desperate English and Japanese.

Everything was wet. The floor was soaked and cold, the bathtub still running and overflowing.

There was blood in the water.

Noa remembered seeing his mother on the bathroom floor. She didn’t move. Her head was bleeding. Her eyes were open, but she was staring at nothing.

And whenever he thought about it, he thought of Amber. She had been still like that too. They way she lay there with her hair tangled with sticks and dead leaves…

He’d killed her like his father killed his mother.

“I did everything I could,” his father said. “I called for help. When the police and the ambulance came, they took you away. That’s when I realized your mother… I didn’t even know until after…”

His father let out a heavy breath, scrubbing at his face.

“It was an accident,” Noa said.

He knew. He’d known all along.

Noa was always right about his father. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to kill his wife. He was trying to save Noa. No, he did save Noa.

It was true. All of it.

“It was an accident,” his father said. “If I could take it back, if I could change it, I would. There were so many things that I could have done differently, that we could have done differently as a family. But instead, this is the way things are.”

“And I’m just like you,” Noa said. “You killed Mother, and I killed Amber. And… And if you’re bad then I’m bad too…”

“Noa,” his father said, putting a hand on his shoulder, turning to him fully. “It isn’t about being bad.”

“It’s not?” Noa said.

His father shook his head. “When you’ve done something horrible, terrible… Do you know what you do?”

Noa hesitated but then shook his head.

He didn’t know. He had no idea. He collapsed in on himself and was alone for years and years. He hated himself. He was lost and alone and he hadn’t told anyone the truth. It was the worst kind of secret.

“You need to admit what you’ve done. Tell someone,” his father said. “Then you accept what comes next.”

“What… What comes next? What happens when you tell someone?” Noa asked.

“After what happened to your mother, I told the police,” his father said, hesitating briefly. “Of course, I had a lawyer involved. But I told them what happened. I told the truth. And it was the same when I went to court. I was charged with manslaughter, and I served my time. That was the right thing to do. Because what I did was wrong, even if it was an accident. It was right for your mother. It was right for everyone.”

Noa frowned. “But… But who do I tell about Amber? I’ve been keeping it a secret for years. I can’t go to the police. And Rion… I don’t want… I don’t want him to be in trouble. I don’t want anyone to be mad at him. He was just trying to protect me. He’s my best friend.”

“You need to tell the truth. It’s the right thing to do. You can’t help how other people feel or what they say about you. And you can’t help how other people feel about your friend. He made his own choices. And you said that everyone already knows, so he’s done his part already. You need to do yours.”

Noa swallowed hard, looking down.

That was true. It was all true. Rion told everyone what happened. They already knew. It was Noa who was holding back. He was the problem, not Rion.

Maybe things were actually worse for Rion because of Noa. Because Rion was the only one they had to blame…

Why hadn’t he thought of that before?

“You really think… You really think I should tell everyone?” Noa said. “What if… What if they…?”

“Whatever they do or say or think, you have to accept it,” his father said.

“Everyone is always so nice to me,” Noa said. “The Murphys are taking care of me and I… I’m living in their house and eating their food and… I killed Amber. I hate it. What if they aren’t mad? What if they forgive me? I don’t want them to.”

That wasn’t entirely true. Noa did want their forgiveness. But he didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t right.

No matter what they did, forgive him or not, it was going to hurt and feel horrible.

“It doesn’t matter if you want them to,” his father said. “It’s their choice. You don’t get to decide. How they feel is your punishment.”

Punishment.

And, oh, from that perspective, everything made so much more sense to Noa.

No matter what, telling them would be awful. If they hated him, he would deserve it, but he would lose them. And Noa really, really loved Aunt Elaine, Uncle Charlie, and Peter. But if they forgave him, if they said it was okay, he didn’t deserve that. He was horrible and he killed Amber. Everything was his fault.

But if whatever they decided was his punishment, then it was supposed to be awful. He wasn’t supposed to like it. He wasn’t supposed to be comforted or okay with it. That wasn’t the point.

Everything made so much more sense. It made everything so clear. He understood.

“Was that… Was that what happened when you told the truth about what happened?” Noa asked his father. “People hated you…”

“And some people forgave me,” his father said. “My mother and father, your grandparents, were very unhappy. They were angry for a long time. But your Aunt Keiko was quick to forgive me. And more importantly, your Aunt Elaine forgave me.”

“She did?” Noa said.

“Elaine knew there were problems,” his father said. “She was worried for a long time. She tried to have us over as much as she could. She told me that something changed in Wendy after we had you. She thought it had to do with their own past. Your grandfather on your mother’s side was abusive.”

“I know about that,” Noa said.

Aunt Elaine didn’t talk about it often, but she’d told him enough. She even seemed to know the kind of things his mother had done. If he talked about anything that happened, Aunt Elaine would say that his mother was wrong, that it was bad of her to do that to him. It was the only reassurance he’d had that some of what he went through was real.

He liked that Aunt Elaine wasn’t completely dismissive, like some people. He never really thought much about it otherwise. Maybe he didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry, Noa,” his father said. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner. And I’m sorry about what happened with Amber. I only met her a few times, but she was a kind girl.”

Noa nodded. “She was… I really loved her. She was only trying to protect me, and…”

His father pulled him into a hug. Noa hugged him back tightly.

“I’d give anything to have her back,” Noa said into his father’s shoulder.

“I know,” his father said.