Noa’s restrictions were being lowered.

He was allowed meals with plastic spoons now, and he’d upgraded from charcoal and pastels to markers. He wasn’t a fan of markers so, with a choice between the two, he stuck with the charcoals. He also didn’t need to have a nurse in the room watching him anymore.

Noa was sure that Dr. Maes had something to do with it. He was having regular sessions with her. He was still tight lipped around some subjects, but they were talking.

Dr. Maes said that he needed more social interaction. She made a new rule, allowing him up to three visitors at a time from a list Noa had to make himself. It wasn’t hard for him to do since there were only so many people he wanted to see.

Rion was the first on the list, even though Dr. Maes said he might not be able to come. Then he put down Danny, Jesse, and Celeste.

He also specifically added that Sarina wasn’t allowed to visit. He didn’t want to see her at all.

Despite making the list yesterday, only his aunt and uncle came to see him. Noa wasn’t disappointed but he was a little surprised. He would have expected everyone to come visit right away. But maybe it was for the best that they didn’t.

Thursday was quiet and Friday was even quieter.

Noa was getting tired of drawing. He lacked good references, and his art supplies were limited. He had pages stacked up and he continued to scribble away on blank sheets. But it wasn’t enough.

He was starting to consider asking Gary for some TV time. The man had offered to wheel in a TV before, and he was beginning to think that was a good idea. He didn’t have games and watching something would pass the time between doctors and visitors.

When Peter came to visit, Noa was so bored that he was happy to see him.

“Hey,” Peter said.

Noa gave him a small wave as Peter pulled up a chair.

“Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie aren’t with you?” Noa asked.

“They said they’d come after. They ran into Mr. Blum when we got here. They wanted to talk.”

“Oh. Okay.”

There was a piece of charcoal in Noa’s hands. He’d been sketching out a zebra before Peter got here, but the picture was half smudged already. He rolled the charcoal between his fingers, scrapping at it with his nails.

“Been drawing?” Peter said.

“Mm,” Noa hummed. “Oh. I can have more visitors now. Dr. Maes said so.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Peter said. “The others will be happy to hear that.”

There was a pause. Noa set the charcoal down on the table. He rubbed his blackened fingertips together. He was used to his hands being smudged with shades and colours over the last few days. He was starting to like it, but he still missed his pencils.

“I want to talk to you about what happened to Amber,” Peter said.

“No,” Noa said without any hesitation.

“I need to do this, Noa,” Peter said. “I know Rion told us part of the truth. But you know something and you haven’t told me. I need to know what it is.”

Noa shook his head. Peter’s expression hardened.

“Rion tried to kill himself.”

Noa froze, staring at Peter. A horrible mix of emotions prickled in his chest. Fear, horror, desperation…

“You’re lying,” Noa said.

“I’m not,” Peter said. “He went up to the roof and tried to jump. Jesse saved him.”

The roof.

Rion tried to…

No. That wasn’t right. It couldn’t be true.

Noa was dizzy.  Some horrible unnamed feeling ran through his whole body. He felt like he could puke.

Noa shook head. “Rion wouldn’t… He… No…”

But maybe Rion would.

What if it was true? What if he really did try to jump? What if…?

When they fought, Noa told Rion to go away. Did he take it that seriously? Did he think that Noa wanted him gone forever?

Was this his fault too?

“Rion’s really struggling,” Peter said. “It would help if you would tell us what’s going on. Rion already told us what happened to Amber. Mom and Dad confirmed it.”

“They weren’t there,” Noa said.

“No, but the police talked to them back when Amber… After the fire. They knew things we didn’t,” Peter said. “Amber was found in the bathtub. She hit her head, and the blow dryer was in the tub with her. That’s what started the fire. Rion told us she slipped and fell and that he put her in the tub with the blow dryer. The story lines up perfectly. It makes sense.”

Noa didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to remember. It made his skin crawl.

He glanced down, picking under his fingernails to try and get the charcoal out from underneath.

His heart was pounding. His head was pounding. Blood was drumming in his ears.

Rion needed him.

“It’s not his fault,” Noa said. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He… Rion was…”

It was to protect him. Rion wanted to protect him and that was why he’d done it. He never would have otherwise. Noa knew that.

Amber was already dead when Rion put her in the bathtub. Noa killed her by pushing her down the slope. He was so sure. He was wrong, not Rion.

“You need to tell us what happened,” Peter insisted. “This is really serious. Rion is hurting. Everyone is hurting. We need the truth.”

But the truth…

It was ugly. It was messy.

If Noa told them what he’d done, there was a chance they’d still be angry at Rion for doing something so horrible. Noa couldn’t risk that, especially if Rion was trying to kill himself. He couldn’t do that to his best friend. Never.

If Noa could take all the blame, he would. He wanted to. He wanted to tell the truth and say it was all him and that he killed Amber.

But he couldn’t deny that Amber had been in the bathtub. And Noa would never have done that himself. No one would believe that he did. He didn’t have an explanation that didn’t implicate Rion.

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say anything.

Words were poison.

“I don’t remember,” Noa said, looking down.

“I think that’s a lie,” Peter said.

“It’s not.”

“You said you didn’t want to talk about it. You said it wasn’t Rion’s fault. You wouldn’t say all that if you didn’t remember what happened.”

“I just know it wasn’t Rion’s fault. He’s a good person. I can’t remember anything else so why would I want to talk about it?”

“Noa,” Peter said, his voice going hard and stern. He hardly ever used that tone. “I’m going to keep asking every day until you tell me the truth.”

“Why?” Noa said, his voice rising. “It’s not like the truth matters.”

“What are you talking about? Of course it matters.”

Noa shook his head. “It doesn’t. It never does. You’ll just believe whatever you want no matter what I say.”

“What? Why would you think that?” Peter said.

“Because it’s true,” Noa said. “That’s why there’s no point in talking at all. Everyone’s already decided what they think the answer is. People only hear what they want to.”

“That’s not true,” Peter said. “That’s not true at all.”

“It’s not?” Noa said. “Rion told you a story and you decided it was true. You asked your parents, and you decidedto believe what they told you. You took both those stories and decided something was missing and now you’re asking me. You already have your answer. Anything I say doesn’t matter.”

“That’s not true,” Peter said. “I’m looking at the facts, at what I know to be true. I know I’m missing something–”

“I told you I don’t remember.”

“And you’re lying.”

“You’re only saying that because you made up an answer in your head and decided I know that answer,” Noa said stubbornly.

Of course, Peter was right. Noa was lying. He did have the answers. He did know the truth.

But Noa knew he wasn’t wrong either. Peter might have come to the right conclusion and he had good reasons to think what he did. But he already made up his mind. And if he made up his mind, Noa didn’t want to say anything. Because it would hurt Rion.

“I…” Peter began and then he stopped. He scowled, clearly frustrated with Noa’s logic. “I decided what I did because of the conflicting things you’ve said. Not for any other reason.”

“So?” Noa said. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already decided what’s true. So why should I say anything?”

“Because I want to hear it from you,” Peter said. “Because I know that you know something and you aren’t telling me what it is. We’re all hurting and we need answers. You have those answers.”

“I don’t,” Noa said, shaking his head stubbornly. “I don’t remember.”

“Noa…”

“That’s my answer. If you don’t like it, there’s nothing I can do.”

Peter closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

“Fine,” he said when he opened his eyes. “That’s fine. I’ll ask again tomorrow. If you really don’t remember, then maybe you will eventually. So I’ll keep asking.”

“What?” Noa said, blinking.

“I’m not going to stop,” Peter said. “If you say you don’t remember, then maybe you don’t. But you could remember, and if you do, you can tell me then.”

Noa was baffled by Peter’s sheer amount of stubbornness. He didn’t even know what to say to that. He couldn’t argue.

So instead, he looked away, picking at his blackened fingers some more.

“Rion’s only a couple doors down from you,” Peter said. “I thought you would want to know.”

Noa did want to know. He glanced back up.

“He’s close?” Noa asked.

“Very close,” Peter said. “But you probably won’t be able to meet for a while. They need to take care of him. Dr. Maes is going to be working with him.”

“But you think they might let me see him? Eventually?” Noa asked, feeling a small sliver of hope.

“I think so,” Peter said. “You’re healing. You’re getting better. You’re even talking a lot more than you used to. You’ll probably be discharged first, and once you’re out…you can probably see him.”

Noa couldn’t crush the growing bud of hope that was blooming inside him. But still, he was going to confirm all of that with Dr. Maes first.

He wanted to see Rion. They needed to talk.