Rion winced when his feet touched the floor. Gripping the bed rail, hand prickling in pain from the pressure on his injuries, he slid slowly out of the hospital bed.

He knew he could walk since he’d tried earlier that day. It stung then and it stung now. He was walking on barely healed cuts, his entire body putting pressure on them.

Rion had never felt so satisfied by pain. It hurt and he screwed up his face into a grimace. Still, as he took one step forward, and then another, he knew it was right.

He killed Amber and her baby.

He was a monster.

Rion did his best to hold himself together as he made for the open doorway. Peeking around the corner, he didn’t see anyone nearby. There were a few people far down the hall and some nurses at the nursing station, but…

He turned and looked down the other way.

It was an empty little corner. Rion’s room was at the end of the hall and right next to his room was the door to the stairs.

He hesitated, but only for the briefest moment. He straightened himself, let out a breath, and then walked, trying to limp as little as possible. He didn’t look back to see if anyone was watching. He just moved forward. No one came to stop him.

Once he was in the stairwell, Rion went up.

It was a struggle. He clung to the railing, stopping constantly. His feet were heavy and every step burned. He didn’t have the energy and soon he was huffing out laboured breaths. He passed the fifth floor and then reached the door to the roof, pushing it open. He half expected it to be locked, but it wasn’t.

Rion found himself staring at a blanket of white.

He hadn’t looked out his window, and though he knew it had snowed, it was something else to see it. The whole roof was pristine and untouched, a thin layer of snow glittering in the afternoon light.

It was pretty. It was one of the prettiest things Rion had seen in ages.

Rion forced himself forward, bandaged feet getting wet as the snow melted underfoot. It was around minus five degrees Celsius; too cold for Rion to be out walking in a hospital gown, but not cold enough to send him running back to hide in the stairwell. His whole body was covered in goosebumps.

Rion made it to the edge of the roof and leaned against a guardrail, looking out.

He could see for miles over the flat prairie. Misty Meadows was laid out before him, covered in blankets of glittering white snow. It was blinding. It was beautiful. He hadn’t had a view like this in years.

Everything blurred as Rion teared up. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision, fighting back his emotions.

Rion knew that, out of everyone, he was letting Dr. Maes down the most. She’d been so helpful, telling him what to do and giving him all those exercises. She’d been so kind to him and Rion had been able to trust her.

He was grateful. He was so grateful. She’d been so nice.

This would probably hurt Noa. And his dad. They’d be sad, but he was sure they’d be okay.

Noa didn’t need him anymore. He’d even said he wanted him to go away when they fought at the Murphys. Noa had always wanted him to go away and Rion just kept screwing everything up by coming back.

Rion would have liked to have seen Noa one last time, but… Maybe this was for the best. Saying goodbye would be too hard.

It was better this way. Noa was safe. Everyone would take good care of him. Rion was sure of it.

It was cold, but he didn’t care. The wind nipped at him, but he didn’t care.

Rion closed his eyes, breathing in and breathing out. He let himself just exist for a moment. He tried to not think, to clear his head, but he couldn’t do it.

He’d killed Amber and her baby.

Killing Amber was bad enough. It was horrible. It was terrible. He could never, ever, be forgiven for that. But her baby too? The fact that she was pregnant?

How was he supposed to live with that?

It was one more thing. The never-ending pile of horrible things he’d done just kept getting bigger and bigger. It felt like a mountain. He couldn’t take it anymore.

He’d hurt everyone because he’d killed Amber. He’d hurt all her friends and family and Noa…

Jesse was supposed to be a dad. Jesse was supposed to have gotten married and had kids.

Rion set everything ablaze and walked away unharmed. He didn’t even have a burn on his hand like Noa. He’d ruined everything and walked away fine and...

How was that okay?

Wincing, Rion moved. He kept walking, limping until he was facing the back of the hospital. Taking the guardrail with both hands, he peeked over the edge.

That was a long way down…

It would be a rude thing to do, wouldn’t it? Jumping off the roof… It would be messy. Someone would find his body. Someone would have to clean up after him. Those poor people…

The least he could do was make sure it was behind the hospital. Then it wouldn’t be out front where everyone was coming and going. At least it would be…

Selfish.

Rion was being so selfish. He knew it and he hated it. He hated that he was only thinking about himself, thinking about running away and escaping from the horrible person that he was.

But Rion had given up everything else. Was it really that terrible to be selfish just this once? It was one time. It was one thing he could do for himself that would make things better for everyone.

It was selfish, but it was a good thing, right? He deserved to die, didn’t he?

Rion couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t talk to doctors and nurses while they worried about his recovery. He didn’t deserve it. He killed Amber. And her baby. And everyone was visiting him, and Peter and Danny were saying it could work out somehow, and…

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

What would he do with his life anyway? It wasn’t like he had plans. He’d spent the past six years worrying about Noa. And Noa didn’t need him anymore, did he?

He was a waste of space and resources. He was living for the sake of living.

He had no future. He had no dreams. He had nothing.

Wasn’t this justice?

Wasn’t it fair?

Rion took a deep breath.

He glanced down and looked at his arm. It was still bandaged but he could feel it aching. He suddenly wanted to see it and he picked away at the bandage. He freed the end near his wrist and unraveled it, pulling it down until the remaining bandages were bunched around his elbow.

It was an ugly mark, a cut that began on his wrist, just under his thumb and then curved across the underside of his forearm, stopping before his elbow. It was stitched together and had already started healing.

Looking at it didn’t bother him. In fact, he kind of liked it now that he could see it. It was a mark left behind by Noa. It couldn’t be erased or taken away. And like everything else, he deserved it.

He should have bled out on the Murphys’ kitchen floor.

Too bad the cut hadn’t been deeper.

Too bad he couldn’t have died. They could have called it a terrible accident and moved on without him.

Rion looked over the edge again, gripping the handrail. The ledge itself was thick. He didn’t want to get up and stand on it until he was ready to jump. But he did need to climb up first, and it was going to be hard.

Maybe he wouldn’t have the strength. Maybe his cut up arms wouldn’t be able to pull him up, or his legs would be too weak and sore. He might have to find something to stand on.

Thinking about it, planning it in his mind, Rion felt strangely calm – much calmer than he should be. His head was the clearest it had been in years.

It was refreshing. It felt good, even if he was so damn cold…

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a breath, and then opened them. Knowing that he had to try, he grabbed onto the ledge, ready to test his own arm strength and weight.

There was a sound behind him, the sound of a door opening. It came from the opposite side, from the alternate stairwell.

Rion turned around.