When Rion could finally manage to speak, he asked his dad to get Dr. Maes.

It was the only clear thought he could manage. His mind was a complete mess.

He felt dizzy.

He felt sick.

Dr. Maes didn’t take long to get there. Once Rion was alone in the room with her, he didn’t even let her speak. Words started pouring out of him.

“They didn’t believe me,” he said, gripping his sheets in a painfully tight knot. His voice was raw from crying, his nose completely stuffed and dripping, but he didn’t care. “They didn’t believe me! They didn’t… I… What should I do? They didn’t…didn’t…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Dr. Maes said. “Slow down. Take some deep breaths, okay?”

“I can’t,” he said, hiccupping. “I… I…”

“You can,” Dr. Maes said. “It might be hard, but you can do it. Do you want me to help?”

“No, I… I just… They didn’t believe me,” Rion gasped out. “I… I don’t know… I don’t know what to do…”

“I want to help you, but you’re very upset,” Dr. Maes said. “I need to be able to understand what you’re saying. Can you try to take a deep breath for me?”

Rion tried. He sucked in a sharp, shaky breath and let it out in a rush.

“Okay, that’s a really good start,” she said. “Can you try again but do it slower this time? You said Peter guided you through breathing techniques before. Do you remember the exercise you did?”

Dr. Maes talked him through breathing, trying to calm him down. It was hard and it barely seemed to help. He was still a shaking, upset mess when they decided to continue. He was still absolutely miserable.

“Can you explain what happened?” Dr. Maes said once he was breathing more evenly and had gone through some tissues. “Who didn’t believe you? What did you say?”

“I told the truth,” Rion said. “I… I told them… I told them what happened.”

“What do you mean? What happened?”

“I told them… I told them I killed Amber…”

He put his face in his hands, taking harsh, shaky breaths again. He couldn’t look at Dr. Maes. He was too ashamed, too guilty, too…everything all at once. It felt like his heart would explode in his chest. Everything hurt.

Dr. Maes was quiet for a long moment. When she spoke, it was still in the same calm, even tone.

“Can you explain that to me? What do you mean?” she asked.

Rion explained. He told the story all over again. And, in the process, he broke down into a fresh wave of tears. Dr. Maes passed him more tissues and he sobbed into them. By the time he was done, he felt exhausted, spent, and filled with fresh self-loathing.

“They didn’t believe me,” he said when he finished. “They didn’t… They all called me a liar.”

“Were you lying?” Dr. Maes said. “About anything?”

“No,” Rion said, shaking his head. “Peter… He said I was just making it up to protect Noa…”

“Do you know why he would say that?”

“Because…because I’ve lied a lot to protect Noa. I really, really care about Noa. And because of the friendship bracelets and Sarina… I didn’t want the others to be mad at him.”

“Do you think you were protecting Noa?”

“Yes,” Rion said and then hesitated. “I mean, I guess… I… I left something out.”

“What is it?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion hesitated. He knew he could trust Dr. Maes. She’d already proven herself several times over. But he was scared to voice it.

“It… It wasn’t Noa’s fault,” Rion said. “He didn’t do anything wrong, I swear. It just… It was… He had a disagreement with Amber. On the walk.”

“A disagreement?” Dr. Maes repeated.

“Amber found out that Noa was hurting himself. She wanted to talk to him,” Rion looked down, picking at the bandages on his hands. He felt horrible thinking about it. “She asked me earlier that day. I was stupid. I told her… It was my fault. I told her that Noa was hurting himself because she asked, and then she… She was really upset. She wanted to help Noa, but… She grabbed onto his arm to get him to stop walking and he…he tried to get his arm free. He pushed her… But it wasn’t that hard or anything! He just… He was just freeing his arm, but she… Amber stumbled backwards and her foot went over the edge. She slipped. It was an accident. Noa never meant to hurt her, and…and she… It wasn’t his fault.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “It wasn’t his fault. I believe you.”

A desperate whine clawed up the back of Rion's throat. It hurt to hear her say that. No one else believed him. Everyone thought he was a liar…

Did she really mean it? Was she just saying that?

He tried to take more deep breaths, but it was barely helping. He was so upset that he felt physically sick. He hated it.

“Rion, you’re doing really good,” Dr. Maes assured him. “You’re doing an amazing job. This would be really, really hard on anyone.”

“I hate it,” Rion said. “I feel gross. I feel… I… I’m a horrible person. I killed her. She didn’t… She was supposed to grow up and marry Jesse and they were supposed to be happy together. And… And Celeste was supposed to keep her best friend, and… Everyone loved Amber. I loved Amber.  And I murdered her.”

It hurt to say but it was also a relief. It was good to be able to admit everything he’d kept buried all these years. It was a slurry of emotions – relief, despair, self-loathing, exhaustion – and he barely knew what to think.

“Are you sure you killed her?” Dr. Maes asked. “You said she fell and probably hit her head. She was bleeding. You thought she was dead…”

Rion closed his eyes tight, trying to breathe. It came too sharp, his throat tight and constricted.

“She…she moved… She moved in the bathtub when…when I put the blow dryer in… She had to be alive. She had to… She was…”

“That doesn’t mean she was still alive,” Dr. Maes said. “When someone dies, sometimes their body will still move. Electricity… That could have been the cause.”

It was a comforting thought, but that’s all it was. It couldn’t be true.

Rion shook his head. He was sure. He was so sure it was him.

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said slowly. “But even then, it was an accident. You didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rion said, putting his face in his hands. “It doesn’t matter. Because I still did it. And I started the fire and I… I’m evil…”

“I don’t believe that,” Dr. Maes said. “I think you were scared and you made mistakes. You were a little kid trying to protect your best friend. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“But I hurt everyone,” Rion said. “I’m literally the worst. If it wasn’t for Noa… If it wasn’t for Noa, I would have already killed myself.”

He knew it was true. He was sure. He’d thought about it a lot. He’d planned it before. But he’d never seriously considered going through with it.

Because what would happen to Noa if he died? What if people found the friendship bracelets? Of course, that didn’t matter anymore. Everyone knew…

Everyone knew.

“You’ve thought about killing yourself?”

Rion pulled his hands away from his face to cross his arms, curling into himself protectively. He sniffled and tried to catch his breath, sorting himself out before he answered.

“Yeah. Lots,” he admitted. “But I can’t because…because Noa. I want to make sure he’s okay. I want to make sure… He’s the only thing I have left to live for. I gave everything up for him. I… I put Amber in the bathtub because I didn’t want anyone to blame him or come after him or hurt him or… I know it was horrible and evil and I never should have, but…but I don’t want anyone to know he had anything to do with it. I don’t want anyone to blame him…”

“Have you ever thought about how you would end your life?” Dr. Maes asked. “Do you have a plan? Have you written any suicide notes?”

“Only shitty ones that I threw away,” Rion said, scrubbing away more tears. “As for a plan… I figured it’d only be fair to take a bath with a toaster.”

“And do you want to do that now?”

“…No…”

“No? You’re sure?”

“Noa still needs me,” Rion said, letting out a weak, bitter laugh. “He still… I have to be around. Because I told everyone the truth and even if everyone thinks I lied… If anything comes back to Noa, I have to stop them from thinking he did anything wrong. I have to protect him.”

“He’s your best friend and you care deeply for him,” Dr. Maes said. “I can tell that he's very important to you. But this is a lot for you to be handling on your own.”

Rion shook his head, reaching up to wipe away more stray tears. “It’s always been that way. It’s okay if it’s for Noa. I’ll do it for him.”

“You might be willing to do everything by yourself, but you don’t need to be alone,” Dr. Maes told him. “Listen, Rion. I want to help Noa too. And I want to help you. You don’t have to go through this on your own. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said, but he wasn’t sure how much he believed her.

He wanted to. He wanted to trust Dr. Maes. She’d been amazing so far. But it was so, so hard to believe that anyone could help. Especially an adult.

“You’re not thinking about hurting or killing yourself right now, are you?” she asked.

“No,” Rion said, shaking his head.

“You’re sure? You’re really sure?” she said.

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m really sure.”

“Okay. Then I want you to do me a big favour. If you feel like you want to hurt yourself or if you feel like you want to kill yourself, call me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’ll come and I’ll be there for you. We’ll sort it out together. Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah,” Rion said, but it was mostly because he didn’t want her to freak out and put someone there to watch him or something. “Yeah, I… I can do that. I’m sorry. I just… Fuck.”

“It’s fine to be upset, Rion,” Dr. Maes said. “You’ve been through a lot.”

“You really believe me?” Rion asked. “You really…? The others didn’t.”

“They were probably surprised,” Dr. Maes said. “What you’re saying is upsetting. But yes, I believe you.”

“…Do you hate me?” he asked, just barely above a whisper.

“No, I don’t,” she said.

And she sounded so sure. There was no hesitation. Rion didn’t understand. He was relieved but also so confused.

“But even I hate myself,” Rion said. “Isn’t it terrible? I killed Amber. I put her in a bathtub and electrocuted her. That’s not okay!”

“I never said it was okay,” Dr. Maes said. “And you did a terrible thing. But it was a mistake and you’re sorry, aren’t you?”

“I’m so sorry,” Rion said, heaving a breath. “I’d do anything to go back to that day and change everything. I wish… I wish none of it ever happened. Everything went so wrong…”

“That’s why I don’t hate you,” Dr. Maes said.

“…I don’t understand.”

“Rion, you were young, right? You were a kid?”

“I was…eleven. Almost twelve.”

“And when Amber slipped, what did you do?”

“I… I went down the slope with Noa and we brought her inside.”

“Why didn’t you get help?”

Rion blinked at her owlishly. “Help?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said. “You said that you and Noa went to John’s cabin after the fire started. Why didn’t you do that as soon as Amber slipped?”

“I…” Rion began. “I didn’t think about it. I didn’t know what to do.”

He didn’t think about it at all. Getting help hadn’t crossed his mind. It was Noa who said they needed to go to John’s cabin. Rion probably wouldn’t have gone…

Even now, Rion didn’t think he’d go for help. No, he knew he wouldn’t go for help. He didn’t ask for help with Sarina. He didn’t ask for help from anyone. He dealt with everything by himself.

“Why didn’t you think of it?” Dr. Maes asked.

“I guess I… I didn’t think about it,” Rion said. “I don’t know…”

“Okay, I have a couple more questions,” Dr. Maes said. “Do you cook and clean and do laundry for yourself?”

“Yeah. Most of the time.”

“And how long have you been doing all of that?”

“I don’t know… Years?”

“Would you say that your father isn’t around very often?”

Rion frowned and sat straighter. “My dad’s not a bad guy. He’s just busy a lot.”

“That’s my point,” Dr. Maes said. “You’re used to doing things on your own and you have been for a while. I can tell that from our previous conversations. You’re independent. That can be a good thing…but it sounds to me like when you were in a bad situation, you were forced to make difficult decisions on your own. You did what you thought was best at the time. You tried to protect Noa because he’s your friend. But you made mistakes. Because people, especially kids, make mistakes all the time. And if you’re sorry about it…I don’t think that makes you a bad person.”

“But I killed Amber. And I started the fire,” Rion said. “That isn’t good…”

“No, it isn’t good,” Dr. Maes said. “But you know what? You’re telling the truth about what happened. And that’s a very good thing. You’re being honest and when you’re honest, you can face what you’ve done and start making up for it.”

“How do I do that?” Rion said.

“That’s more difficult to answer,” Dr. Maes said. “You can apologize and say you’re sorry. But I think the most important thing will be accepting other people’s feelings.”

“But they don’t believe me,” Rion said.

“Maybe. But you told the truth. If they choose to think you’re a liar, that’s their choice. If they come to terms with things and realize you’ve told the truth…”

“They’ll hate me.”

“Or they won’t. Either way, you have to accept how they feel about you. You don’t get to choose how other people feel or how they react.”

Rion sighed, scrubbing at his face. “I guess. As long as Noa’s okay… As long as they don’t hurt Noa, that’s fine.”

“I think what you need is rest,” Dr. Maes told him. “I think you need some time to collect your thoughts. You’ve done a lot and you’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.”

“Yeah,” Rion admitted. “Yeah, I… I’m super fucking tired.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “You know what? I’m really happy that you asked for me and you told me everything. I know that it’s really hard and it takes a lot of effort and courage. But I think you need some more tools to help you. How about I give you some exercises to help keep you calm. Also, what do you like to do for fun? I heard you like games.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I have my SP. Dad brought it.”

“Good, that’s portable,” she said and Rion was a little surprised she seemed to know what he was talking about. “If things get really tough, I want you to ask for me. And if you need a distraction while you wait – because I might not be able to get here right away if I’m at home – I want you to hang on and try and play your favourite games. Okay?”

“I don’t think… I don’t think things will get that bad,” Rion said. “It feels like everything is as bad as it’s going to get.”

“Maybe. I hope you’re right,” she said. “But I want to be sure we have a plan. Just in case things do get worse. I really care about you, Rion.”

“Okay,” he said. “Okay… I can do that.”