Even though his conversation with Dr. Maes was an emotional roller-coaster and dampened his visit with the Murphys and his dad, Rion felt a little better.

Talking about Amber was hard and hadn’t done him any good. Even thinking about her made him uncomfortable. But being able to tell Dr. Maes that he thought he was gay? The fact that she didn’t judge him and they’d just…talked about it? Like it was the most normal thing in the world? That was really nice.

Rion was afraid that people wouldn’t accept him or would treat him differently. But Dr. Maes didn’t even bat an eye. It didn’t bother her at all. She made him feel like a normal person. It was a relief and he latched onto it.

He hoped that he could find other people that felt that way, other people who were safe to confide in. Rion wasn’t sure how to find those people, but…there had to be a way, right? He’d lurked around on the Internet but what he’d mostly found porn or adults talking between themselves. And Rion wasn’t comfortable delving too deep into it on his own.

Maybe he should look into it more. Maybe he’d ask Dr. Maes if she had any resources or…whatever.

Maybe he should tell Noa…

Rion was sure that Noa would accept him. They were best friends. Noa knew about Amber and that…that was way worse than being gay. That was… It wasn’t even remotely comparable. And Noa accepted him despite that, so…

Rion was sure that Noa wouldn’t care that he was gay. He was sure it wouldn’t bother him.

But what if it made things weird? What if Noa thought that meant Rion liked him or had a crush on him or something? What if he wasn’t comfortable with it? What if it changed their relationship?

Rion couldn’t handle that right now. He needed to know that Noa was his best friend. He didn’t want to mess things up or make Noa uncomfortable. He liked how things were between them.

Kind of. Sort of.

It wasn’t okay about what happened to Amber. None of that would ever be okay.

What happened six years ago was probably doing enough damage to their relationship. Rion couldn’t add anything else on top of that. Not right now. Not while they were in the hospital and Noa had threatened to hurt himself.

And it wasn’t like he needed to say anything. Dr. Maes was right about that. If it didn’t change anything, maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe he could tell Noa when he started dating someone. If he ever started dating someone.

Honestly, there wasn’t anyone he was into. And he was sure that the only guys he knew were straight anyway.

He gave up on thinking about it because it was giving him a headache.

Shortly after lunch, Peter, Danny, Jesse, and Celeste came to visit him, along with his dad. He was surprised to see them all together. His dad had been coming on his own.

“Hi,” Rion greeted them, sitting up straighter.

“Hi, Rion,” Danny said.

“Your dad brought you some stuff from home,” Peter added.

“Peter suggested it and I figured I would grab a few things,” Dad said. “We don’t know when you’re coming home, so…”

Rion nodded, glancing between them. “Oh. Yeah. Cool. What did you bring?”

His dad had a full looking bag with him. He started to pull things out, starting with a small, ivory-white box.

“I thought you might like to have your mom’s rosary,” he said. “It was on your bedside table.”

“Oh, Dad… Thanks,” Rion said, taking it right away and holding it close. He almost felt like he could cry. “I… Thank you. Really.”

“There’s a few more things,” his dad added. “I found your Game Boy and your games. And that old comic you did with Noa was in your room.”

His dad had brought his SP and some games. That would give Rion something to do if he got bored.

He was surprised to see the comic. He hadn’t finished reading Noa’s additions yet. He was still going over the old stuff and it left him with a painful sense of nostalgia. There were parts that were hard to reread.

“Um… I also have something for you,” Celeste said.

She had a box of chocolates in her hand. She passed them over to Rion. He was pleasantly surprised. They looked like the really good, expensive kind.

“Thanks, Celeste,” he said.

“They’re not actually from me,” Celeste said. Her expression was sheepish. “She told me not to tell you, but…they’re from Sarina.”

Rion immediately set the box aside on the bedside table, along with his mom’s rosary.

“Okay. Cool, I guess,” he said, feeling gross about it. He didn’t want anything from Sarina.

“I told her what happened. She was really sorry that you got hurt trying to protect Noa,” Celeste said.

“I figured it was something like that,” Rion said. “That was…nice of her.”

He only said it to be polite. He wondered if there would be any chocolates inside the box. It wouldn’t surprise Rion if Sarina ate half of them. Or maybe they were poisoned or something. He didn’t think she’d try to kill him, but it wouldn’t be a shock if she snuck Play-Doh in the chocolate wrappers. He didn’t trust her.

“There’s something else too,” Danny added with a grin. “Peter’s a genius. He’s the one who thought of it.”

“What?” Rion said, looking between them. He was happy for a distraction from Sarina. “What is it?”

“Your dad has it,” Celeste said, “in his pocket.”

“Here,” Dad said, reaching into his jacket.

He pulled out Rion’s friendship bracelet.

Rion stared, leaning back.

Why was that here? Why did they bring that? Why…?

“I thought it would be a good idea if you had your friendship bracelet back,” Peter said.

“You can wear it again like the rest of us,” Danny added.

“It’s a great idea,” Celeste said. “Right?”

Rion stared at them. They didn’t get it. They didn’t understand.

Rion chose to stop wearing his bracelet. That’s why Sarina had mistaken Noa’s for his – because he hadn’t been wearing a bracelet at the time. He didn’t feel comfortable with it around his wrist. It was like wearing a weight, a shackle.

He’d killed Amber. How could he wear the bracelet she made for him?

Noa was right about that part. Rion understood now, better than ever, why Noa wanted to keep his bracelet far away from him. He knew what it was like. He…

He couldn’t do it.

“…Thanks,” Rion said.

He took it from his dad, but he didn’t put it on. He let his hands drop to his lap, bracelet pinched between his fingers.

This bracelet was supposed to stay in his room, under his pillow. He only wanted to look at it to remember, as a reminder. It wasn’t supposed to be here. It was so wrong…

“I’m going to be right back,” his dad said. “I’ll grab coffee. What do you kids want?”

They began going back and forth, deciding what they wanted. Rion mumbled something about hot chocolate when asked but he couldn’t have cared less. He wanted to curl up in a ball and hide.

When his dad left, he glanced up and watched everyone else get comfortable and pull up chairs. The only person who seemed to be on the same page as Rion was Jesse. He was quiet the whole time, hovering behind the others.

Rion couldn’t blame him. He understood. After last time…

“Why don’t you put your bracelet on,” Danny said. “You want help with it?”

“No,” Rion said. But he didn’t make a move to put it on. “Thanks.”

“Are you sure?” Peter said.

“You don’t have to worry about wearing it. We know the truth,” Celeste said. “You don’t need to hide it anymore. It’s okay.”

But Rion wanted to. He wanted to hide it.

Noa had the right idea. He should cut it up into the little pieces and….and…

He couldn’t though. Not just because he didn’t have a knife or scissors. Amber made this. It was meant for him. It was special.

What Rion had done to her…

“I… Thanks, guys. I’ll just… I’ll keep it with Mom’s rosary,” he said.

“Huh? How come?” Danny said. “Don’t you want to wear it?”

“I don’t know,” Rion said.

He couldn’t explain it to them. They wouldn’t understand. He twisted the bracelet gently between his fingers.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to,” Peter said. He was frowning though. “I thought it would make you happy. You must feel left out since the rest of us wear our bracelets all the time.”

“Noa can’t wear his,” Rion said.

There was a pause as his words sunk in. Rion wondered if they would let it go and drop it. He hoped so. He didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“That’s true…” Danny began.

“I could make him another one,” Celeste said.

Everyone turned to look at her. Celeste squirmed at the attention, but she kept speaking.

“I mean, it won’t be the same as his old one, even if I copy the pattern. But I still remember how to make them. I think I have everything I need at home. I do a lot of crating. I could… It wouldn’t be too hard.”

“That’s perfect!” Danny said and turned to grin at Rion. “There you go, Rion! Noa can have a new bracelet! It doesn’t matter if it’s not the same one, right? What matters is that we’re all still friends and we’re back together again!”

“That’s right,” Peter said. “Celeste, that’s a great idea.”

But Rion disagreed.

He knew that if he was in Noa’s shoes and Celeste made him a new bracelet, he wouldn’t be able to wear it. Because they weren’t really friends anymore. It was a lie. All of it.

It wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to be okay.

“It’s okay, Rion,” Danny said. “You can wear your bracelet and we’ll make one for Noa. Then everything will be fine and we–”

“No,” Rion said.

He couldn’t pretend. He couldn’t lie. He couldn’t put on his bracelet and smile, knowing that everything would fall apart the second they tried to give Noa a new one. He couldn’t go through with it.

“What?” Danny said.

“I can’t wear my bracelet,” Rion said. “I can’t do it. I… No.”

“Why?” Peter asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I can’t…” Rion said. Then he raised the bracelet, holding it out for one of them to take. “Please, take it back. I don’t want it. I can’t wear it. I… I can’t. Please…”

“I understand that it’s hard because of Amber…but we’re your friends, aren’t we?”

Jesse had finally spoken up. His expression was pained, hurt. And it made Rion feel even worse.

“I don’t know,” Rion answered honestly.

“Of course we’re friends!” Danny said. “We all really care about you!”

“That’s…not the point,” Rion said. “I believe you care. I don’t think you’d be here if you didn’t…”

He still had his hand outstretched, the bracelet pinched between his fingers. He wished someone would take it from him.

“Then what’s wrong?” Peter asked. “What… Why don’t you know if we’re friends?”

Because it was a lie.

It wasn’t real. The truth was buried.

None of them knew what kind of monster he was. None of them knew what he’d done to Amber. They weren’t friends and they were never going to be friends as long as they didn’t know the truth.

“Is it because of Sarina?” Celeste asked. “Is it because we…we stopped talking to you for so long? I’m really sorry, Rion. If you’re mad, I understand…”

“I’m not mad,” Rion said, lowering his head, arm still outstretched. It was starting to hurt. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Peter said. “I know I could have, and should have, done more.”

“Yeah. Like how I should have stayed in contact with you,” Danny said. “We all made mistakes. And if you’re upset with us, that’s okay. We get it.”

“You don’t,” Rion said, shaking his head. “Everything you did was right. You’re all really good people. But I’m not. I… I’m not your friend. I can’t be your friend. I’m the problem.”

“But… No. Why?” Danny said.

“I don’t understand,” Celeste added. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Rion.”

“If you aren’t ready…” Peter said. “Is this too much? Are we overwhelming you? Is that the problem?”

“Oh! Yeah, if this is just too much, we can come back later,” Danny said.

“Take the bracelet,” Rion said.

His arm was aching, starting to shake. His head was dipped low, shoulders painfully tense.

It hurt.

“Why don’t you put it with your mom’s rosary,” Danny said. “Isn’t that what you were going to do?”

“I don’t want it.”

“You should still keep it,” Celeste said. “You could put it in your nightstand or–”

“Would somebody please just take this fucking bracelet and get it out of my sight?” Rion snapped.

They were silent again, probably shocked. Rion didn’t look up to find out. He grimaced, gritting his teeth, hating every second of this.

“Rion,” Peter finally said. “We just–”

“I don’t want it!” Rion snapped. “Get it away from me!”

Since no one was going to take it, Rion flung the bracelet. He aimed for the general direction of the garbage can, but he barely had the strength to throw it. Instead, he ended up tossing it at Danny, who flailed and scrambled to catch it as it landed in his lap.

“I don’t want it!” Rion repeated. He wasn’t quite yelling, but his voice was raised, throat painfully tight. “Don’t bring it anywhere near me!”

“Whoa! Okay,” Peter said, holding up his hands. “We can take it for you–”

“Noa had the right idea all along!” Rion kept on going. “I should have… It…it belongs as far away from me as possible!”

“What are you saying?” Celeste said.

“Yeah,” Danny added. “I don’t get it. Why–?”

“Of course you don’t get it! None of you understand anything!” Rion said. “You have no idea!”

“If you’re about to say that we don’t understand how you feel or what you’re going through, you’re wrong,” Jesse spoke up. “Is that what this is about?”

“No!” Rion said, exasperated, desperate. “No, that’s not–!”

“Because we all loved Amber,” Jesse cut him off. “And we’re all devastated. And I know it’s different for you because you were there, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are any less hurt–”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Rion cut him off. “I know you’re hurt! That’s not what I’m talking about!”

“Then explain yourself,” Jesse said.

“That’s right,” Peter said. “Tell us what’s going on, Rion. Explain it.”

“I can’t,” Rion said, scrunching his eyes shut painfully tight. “I can’t do it. Noa… I… I can’t say it…”

He’d already said more than he should. He needed to stop. He needed to shut up.

But Rion had been by himself for so long, alone in his thoughts. He felt ready to burst. It was so hard keeping everything bottled up inside and having no one to talk to. He didn’t have Noa anymore. He was so alone…

“Noa…” Peter repeated and then he leaned in. He put his hands on the edge of the bed.  Rion peeked up at the movement. “Listen to me. If this has something to do with Noa… There’s nothing you can say that will change our minds about him. We love him.”

Peter was wrong. They would all hate him.

Rion shook his head.

“Yeah,” Danny added. “We care about Noa as much as you do. There’s nothing you can say that will change that.”

“You’re wrong,” Rion said.

“Are you sure?” Celeste asked. “Won’t you at least try to explain?”

Rion felt like he was going to be physically sick. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take this back and forth anymore. It was driving him wild. He felt cornered, trapped. He couldn’t get away. He couldn’t even stand up and leave his bed.

They thought they were being supportive, but they weren’t. They were tearing away at him. It burned away at his insides, made him feel raw and exposed.

Maybe…

What would happen if he did tell them the truth?

They would hate him. Rion knew that. He would lose them all over again.

But then, he’d never really had them to begin with…

It was an illusion. It was a dream of happiness, acceptance, and peace. He didn’t want to tell them because part of him wanted to pretend that everything really could be okay, even though it never, ever would be.

Rion wanted them to think of him as a friend, even if it wasn’t true.

He didn’t want to be despised.

“It’s a lie,” Rion croaked out, putting his face in his hands, trying to hide.

“What’s a lie?” Peter asked.

“Everything,” Rion said. His eyes were burning as he fought back tears. “It’s all fake. It’s not real.”

“That… You think we’re faking it?” Danny said, hurt. “You think we’re faking being your friends?”

“No,” Rion said. “No, you… You’re not getting it. You don’t know the truth. You don’t… You don’t know what happened to Amber. And that’s…that’s why we can never really be friends.”

This time, the silence was long and heavy. Rion’s breath was hot and moist against his palms. The need to cry, that sick feeling in his gut had subsided. But it was replaced by mind-numbing anxiety. The blood was pounding in his ears. He was sweating, terrified.

He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have brought it up. He shouldn’t…

“Do you think you could tell us what happened?” Peter asked. “To Amber?”

“I…” Rion began but the words stuck in his throat.

“Rion.”

It was Jesse. Rion peaked up at him through his fingers.

Jesse looked like he was hurting as much as Rion was. His expression was pained, agonized, determined…

“Please…” Jesse said. “Please tell me. If there’s something…something you know but haven’t said… Please. I want to know what happened.”

Something inside Rion broke.

If anyone deserved an explanation it was Jesse.

Jesse loved Amber. They were so close – a perfect couple. They were so happy together. They loved each other.

Rion didn’t know what that was like. He didn’t know what it was like to have a girlfriend…or a boyfriend. He didn’t know what it was like to love someone, be with them, and be happy – together.

But Rion knew what it was like having a best friend.

He had Noa. They loved and trusted each other. It was an unbreakable bond.

That was something he understood. It was his only comparison for the relationship Jesse and Amber shared. And…

If something happened to Noa, Rion would want to know. He would desperately want to know what happened. He would deserve to know.

Jesse deserved to know.

“On the walk, we took the trail that went behind the cabin,” Rion said, looking down, dropping his hands into his lap. The words came easy, spilling out. He didn’t even need to try. “Amber… She was with us. We were up behind the cabin. You remember that really steep slope that…? It was almost a straight shot down. Amber…slipped. She lost her balance and fell backwards.”

Rion tried not to think about it too much as he explained. He tried not to remember the panicked look on Amber’s face. Or her flailing arms as she tried to regain her balance. Or the strangled yelp as she slid back on her heel over the edge…

She slipped.

She did. She slipped.

Noa tried to get his arm free from her. But he didn’t push Amber or shove her. Not that hard, anyway. Not hard enough to make her fall. She lost her balance.

It was an accident. She slipped.

That’s all they needed to know.

“She...she fell. Noa and I lost sight of her. We had to climb down the slope–”

“Whoa, wait–!” Danny began.

“Stop,” Peter said to him softly. “Just let Rion… Just wait.”

Rion took a breath. He barely noticed the interruption. He was too focused.

“Amber… We found her at the bottom of the slope behind the cabin. She was lying on the ground. She… We thought she was unconscious. Noa and I… We carried her inside. We got her into the cabin and laid her down. That’s when we noticed the blood. She was… Her head…”

Hot. Sticky. Wet.

On Noa’s jacket. In Amber’s hair.

On Rion’s hands.

“We were scared,” Rion said, his voice cracking with emotion. “We didn’t… She was… Her… She must have hit her head when she fell. She wasn’t moving. We were crying and freaking out, and…and Noa…”

Noa kept blaming himself. He kept saying Amber was dead, that he killed her.

He didn’t. Amber slipped.

Rion let himself believe she was dead. He’d believed it and he’d been scared.

Rion fisted his good hand in the front of his hospital gown, over his heart. It hurt. It still hurt just thinking about it. His whole chest ached. He closed his eyes, breathing raggedly.

“I needed to fix it,” he said with the same certainty he’d felt back then. “I needed to fix it and make it better. I needed to… I’m older than Noa. I had to be… I had to… Everyone was going to come the next day, and Amber was… I couldn’t… I had to do something. I… I had to make it look like an accident…”

He hated himself now as much as he had then for thinking it. He hated how it still made sense to him, even though he knew it was the worst thing he could ever do.

And maybe it was the right decision, in the end. Because he was confessing to others now and there was no way – no way – any of them could ever blame Noa or think he’d done anything wrong. Because Rion was worse.

He was evil and disgusting.

He was vile.

“I had to…had to take Amber to the bathroom myself,” Rion said.

He struggled with the words. His face was hot, wet, the tears coming now. He couldn’t stop them. There was no way. Not when he remembered what he’d done, how he felt. He was shaking, trembling all over.

“I put her in the bathtub,” he said, choking back a sob. “It was so hard. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t… I… Even though…even though I thought she was… I was sure she was already dead. I fille the tub with water and got her blow dryer from under the sink…”

He choked back another sob, remembering the feeling of it in his hands. He remembered the sound of it roaring to life, the vibrations against his palms. He remembered staring at Amber’s body in the tub, holding the blow dryer.

“Th-the blow dryer… I… I plugged it in and it… I… It… I dropped it. I dropped in the bathtub. I… I killed Amber.”

Rion knew he’d killed her. He was sure.

Because when the blow dryer dropped into the tub…

There had been a bright flash and the scream of electricity had been deafening. The socket next to him flashed and sparked, crackling like it was alive. And through all the sound and lights…

Amber moved in the tub.

She thrashed! He’d seen it! Her whole body had jerked all at once!

That meant she’d been alive, right? That meant she felt it, right? That meant that when he dropped the blow dryer, she’d still been…

He’d done it. It was him. It was Rion.

He’d killed Amber.

“I killed her,” Rion said again. “I killed her. It’s all my fault and I’m so, so, so, so sorry! I can’t be sorry enough! I… I didn’t know! I didn’t meanto! I thought… I thought she was… I just wanted to… I wanted to fix it…”

He didn’t have enough words to explain and even if he did, his sobs overcame him. He hugged himself, lurching over, crying and hating himself. It hurt to think and it hurt to feel. Everything hurt.

Nothing happened for the longest time. It was just Rion, leaning over, half curled in on himself, crying miserably, shaking and sobbing.

He waited. Waited for them to get angry and yell or… Rion didn’t even know what. He didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know how they would take it.

But… There was a tiny pinprick of relief. Because he’d told the truth. He’d said it. And now everyone knew the truth.

The dream of friendship was gone, shattered, lost.

He never deserved it in the first place.

Rion flinched when a warm had descended on his shoulder. He choked on his own breath, not expecting anything that gentle…

“Rion…look at me.”

It was Peter. That was Peter’s voice.

Rion didn’t want to look up. He didn’t want to see their expressions. He wanted to disappear. But Peter sounded so calm and so… He didn’t sound upset.

Slowly, hesitantly, Rion peeked up at him. He could barely make Peter out through his tears, blinking several times to clear his vision, breathing raggedly, hiccupping.

Peter looked upset and hurt. Rion expected that. But there was something else in his expression that was different. He struggled to understand the way Peter was looking at him. Was it…

…Pity?

“Rion, I know you want to protect Noa,” Peter said. “I know that’s what you’ve been doing for years. But you don’t need to lie anymore.”

Lie?

Rion stared at him, uncomprehending.

Next to him, Danny was wide-eyed and pale. But when Peter spoke, he moved, nodding his head, slowly at first but then with more vigour.

“That… Yeah. Holy shit,” Danny said. “Holy shit, what was that? Rion, that…that’s crazy…”

“You’re a really loyal friend, but you can tell us the truth,” Peter said. “We aren’t going to let you push us away like that. We know you’d never do anything that horrible to anyone. Okay? Whatever you think you’re protecting Noa from… It can’t be so bad that you need to make up a story like this.”

Peter spared Celeste and Jesse a meaningful look and Rion followed his gaze.

Celeste looked horrified, a hand pressed to her mouth, eyes as round as Danny’s, shining with tears. Jesse, on the other hand, was still and pale. His expression was impossible to read, hard and stiff, jaw clenched.

Did all of them… Did they not believe him?

“I’m not lying,” Rion croaked.

“You’ve been lying this whole time,” Peter said. “You lied about the bracelets, and you begged us not to tell Sarina when we found out the truth. You’ve lied repeatedly about being okay, no matter how cut up and bruised you are. You pretended you were an asshole just to keep us away. You’ve probably been lying about even more stuff that we don’t even know about because…because for some reason, you think it’s helping Noa.”

“That… That’s right,” Danny said, relief evident in his voice. “Yeah. That’s…”

“You mentioned Noa right before you came up with this crazy story,” Peter said. “I know you want to protect him, but… You’re trying to deflect by hurting us, by saying the worst possible thing you can. But you don’t have to. You can tell us the truth.”

“I did,” Rion said faintly. “I… I just…”

They didn’t believe him. They thought he was lying. They…

Rion put his face in his hands again. The tears were coming back. He could feel them.

His mouth twisted into an unhappy grin at the ridiculousness of it. A disbelieving laugh bubbled out of him. It was harsh and bitter and then it wouldn’t stop.

This was so much worse than having them hate him. This was…

This…

This!

His laughter peaked and cracked, turning back into fresh sobs.

He told them the truth and they called him a liar.

They didn’t believe him.