Rion sat on the back steps, staring out at nothing. It was already dark out, the sun set, the light from above the door collecting bugs as it illuminated the grass of the empty yard. Rion could barely register anything. His mind was racing.

Gay.

He was gay.

At least, he thought so? Maybe… Maybe he just never met a girl that he liked or… Maybe he just had a bad impression of girls because Sarina was always being mean to him at school…

But he liked guys…

Rion scrubbed at his face, feeling scared and nauseous just thinking about it. It made his insides knot up. How was he supposed to deal with this?

He wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t been online, downloading stuff. Rion stumbled across porn accidentally all the time – almost as much as there were files that set off the antivirus software on his dad’s computer. There were loads of files mislabelled as shows or games. Normally, he found porn gross and deleted it the second he knew what it was. He didn’t want his dad coming across it either. He would get in trouble for sure if he was caught with anything like that.

But today, this time, the video he opened… Instead of a woman splayed out on the screen, it was two men.

Rion couldn’t look away. He’d been frozen, stunned, his mind having never considered the possibility of two guys being together. Even though he’d seen more than enough clips with multiple girls… This was totally, completely different.

He’d sat through the whole video and hit replay…

And watching it a second time, he realized he wasn’t grossed out. He was nervous, fascinated, excited, and so embarrassingly turned on–

Rion shut it off immediately. He’d deleted the video, had an ice-cold shower, changed into pajamas, and came out to sit on the back step, shivering. He’d been stuck like that for ages. That video clip was all he could think about.

He was gay. He had to be, right? Normal guys didn’t get turned on by guys…doing stuff with each other.

It freaked Rion out. Being gay was a bad thing, right? It wasn’t even close to normal. What would people think if they found out? Gossip was the fastest moving thing in Misty Meadows and if anyone knew…

And what about church?

Rion wanted to go to church. It felt right to go to church after everything he’d done. He was, by every possible definition, a sinner. And he hadn’t even been able to go to confession for years, unable to talk about what happened at the cabin, to guilty to admit what he did…

Atonement – that was a thing he needed to do somehow, right? He needed to be sorry. He was sorry. What happened to Amber was on him. He needed to seek forgiveness.

But was being gay a sin?  Some people said it was.  Did that mean he was fundamentally a bad person? Was he all screwed up to begin with? Was it unavoidable? Was it impossible for him to change? Was there no way for him to fix himself?

How was he supposed to know?! He didn’t choose this!

Rion raked his fingers through his hair. He didn’t know what to do or what to think. Guys having sex turned him on and… He had no idea what to do about it. He had no idea what he could do about it.

Rion didn’t think he’d ever been attracted to any guys he knew in real life. But what if he just hadn’t noticed? How was a dumbass like him supposed to know…

And what about Noa?

Was Rion just imagining they were as close as they were? Was he adding something to their friendship that didn’t exist? Did he like Noa that way and he’d just never realized?

Were they ever really friends? Or was some subconscious part of Rion trying to…

To what?

He didn’t even know.

Rion had no idea what to do or who to turn to. He had no idea who to ask. He didn’t have friends or people he could trust or…

There was the Internet. He could look it up. Someone online must know something…

But people lied on there. How could he trust anything that was said?

And what if it really meant that he was evil, bad, and wrong? What if the Internet confirmed his worst fears? What would Rion do if he was just a terrible person? What if he couldn’t be fixed and he was wrong in every possible way?

What was he supposed to do? Should he try to ignore how he felt? Should he try and pretend to like girls? Could he pretend enough to make it real?

People already hated him. He didn’t want to give anyone else another reason to hunt him down. Even if it meant he was fundamentally evil…

Rion wanted to cry. He held his tears back, eyes burning.

He didn’t want any of this. He didn’t want another reason to hate himself and he didn’t want to be confused. He was already so tired about feeling horrible about everything he already was. The last thing he needed was one more thing. He couldn’t take it.

Why couldn’t he be normal and like girls? Why did something like this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t he be normal? Why couldn’t it be easy and simple–

Rion was startled by the sound of his dad’s car pulling up at the front of the house. He recognized the familiar rumble and crunch of tires instantly. Springing to his feet, thoughts scattered, he darted back into the house through the back door. He barely had time to lock it behind him.

Rion flung himself onto the living room couch, clawing at the TV remote. He turned on the TV, flipping to the Space channel.

He made it just in time. His dad came in through the front door as he set the remote down on the coffee table.

“Hey!” Rion called, slightly breathless. His heart felt like it was clenched painfully tight in his chest. “Welcome home, Dad!”

“Oh, Rion. You’re still up?” ad asked, kicking off his shoes in the entranceway.

“It’s only…eleven,” Rion said, glancing up at the clock.

His dad stepped into the living room and glanced at the TV. “Wrath of Khan?”

Rion glanced back at the screen to double check he was right before turning back around to face his father again.

“It’s a great one,” he said, forcing a smile.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Dad said.

“Okay. Sure thing. I was just going to finish this,” Rion said.

“Okay. As long as you’re in bed by midnight.”

“Sure. No problem.”

Rion sank into the seat. He didn’t care about watching TV and he knew he would be up super late no matter what. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He was bound to lay in bed tonight, staring at the darkened ceiling, alone with his racing thoughts.

He watched his dad cross the room and head into the kitchen. He was gone for a bit and came back with a glass of water. He sat in his chair, stretching out and sighing. It must have been a long day at work. His tie was loose and askew.

Rion’s brain felt like it was melting. He needed to talk to someone, but there was no one he could talk to. Noa didn’t want to see him and everyone else hated him.

Rion didn’t want to tell his dad he was gay. He couldn’t. But maybe… If he was careful, he could talk about it. Right?

He could ask without making it about himself. His dad was tired from work. He would probably forget he even said anything by tomorrow.

“Hey, Dad?” Rion said. “Is there, um… Is there anything wrong with gay people?”

“What?” his dad said, opening his eyes and raising his head. “Gay people?”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Uh… I know that’s a weird question, but… I have this friend. And he thinks he might be gay. I was just… I was thinking about it.”

“A friend? Danny?”

Rion almost did a double take. He was caught completely off guard.

“What? No,” Rion said. “Danny moved away anyway so I don’t see him anymore…”

“You still phone him, don’t you?” his dad said.

Rion was pretty sure that he hadn’t talked to Danny in a couple years. They called each other for a while, but Rion missed one of his calls, and then…then he felt weird answering or calling back. They both stopped calling each other and Rion hadn’t heard from him since.

“I guess,” Rion said. “But I’m not talking about Danny.”

“Oh. Well, fine,” his dad said. “What was the question again?”

“Is it wrong to be gay?”

“Hm… No. I don’t think so.”

Rion was almost relieved, but he didn’t want to get too excited. Did his dad really mean that? Was it okay? For sure?

“So…it’s not a sin?” Rion asked.

“That’s…a more difficult question,” Dad said. “Your mother knew a lot more about that kind of thing. I don’t think it is? Being gay… That’s just how some people are. If I remember right, I think with the church it has to do more with your relationships outside of marriage…”

He hesitated, looking uncomfortable.

“Is your friend worried about that?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Rion said. “I guess I am too, kind of… I mean, on his behalf.”

“Well, think of it this way. God made some people gay. So it doesn’t make sense for it to be a sin,” his dad said. “I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about. I’ve known gay people. They’re normal people, the same as anyone else.”

“You know gay people?” Rion said, blinking.

He had never heard that before. Who was his dad talking about? What?

“We’re out of touch now, but before I dropped out of university, I was friends with a lesbian,” his dad said. “I met your mother through her. Her girlfriend was friends with Dawn and the three of them waitressed together at the same bar... Have I not told you this story before?”

“No,” Rion said. He felt lost. “I mean, you said that you met Mom through a friend who worked as a waitress with Mom, but…”

“Maybe I’ve gotten too used to telling the sanitized version,” Dad mused. “Dawn’s parents are very…fundamentalist. That’s why we hardly ever visit your grandparents on your mom’s side. They’re very opinionated. That’s why your mother moved out as soon as she could. She didn’t share their views.”

“Oh,” Rion said.

He wanted to ask more. They hardly ever talked about Rion’s mom. But he could tell that his dad was already getting that distant look in his eye.

Whenever his dad talked about his mom, it wasn’t long before he went really quiet with this serious look on his face. And then he’d get sad and go somewhere to be alone, by himself. Usually, Rion’s dad would cry and try to hide it, and…

Rion felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to bring up his mom. But at least he knew his parents were okay with people being gay. That was something. That was… It made it a little easier. Maybe it would be safe to tell his dad?

Not now. Rion couldn’t tell him any time soon. It was too scary. And then Rion would have to explain how he knew and he was pretty sure he’d get in really big trouble if his dad found out he’d watched some gay porn. Even if he hadn’t meant to.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Rion announced. His chest still felt tight and he didn’t think he would get any sleep tonight. “I think I’m done with Wrath of Khan. Um… Good night, Dad.”

“Oh. Okay. Good night,” he said. “Hey, tell your friend not to worry about it too much.”

“What?” Rion said, wondering what friend he was talking about. Then he remembered, his face growing hot. “Oh! Yeah, of course! Thanks.”