On Monday, Rion had another visit from Dr. Maes. She arrived shortly after his dad showed up and the two of them met for the first time.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Dr. Maes said. “My name is Dr. Laura Maes. I’m a pediatric physiatrist.”

“Hello,” his dad said, taking the hand she offered. They shook. “I’m Hartmann Blum, Rion’s father. But please call me Hart.”

“It’s very nice to meet you,” she said. “There’s some things I’d like to discuss with you when you have some time, but right now I’m here to see Rion.”

“Ah… Right. The doctor mentioned the two of you were doing some kind of assessment,” he said. “Or therapy? I’m not sure I understood.”

“I’m happy to explain it to you,” Dr. Maes told him. “I’ve given Rion an assessment, but he’s agreed to a few more sessions while he’s here.”

“Right. Maybe we could talk later,” his dad said.

“I’d like that,” Dr. Maes said. “There are some things for us to go over. Of course, what Rion and I talk about is confidential so I can’t tell you anything he’s said to me. But I can tell you what I do and give you a general overview of the situation.”

“I’d like that,” his dad said and turned to Rion. “Should I come back in a bit?”

“Sure,” Rion said. “If you’re not busy or anything…”

“I’m not busy. I’ll come back,” he said and turned to Dr. Maes. “Should I come in a few hours or…?”

“That should be perfect,” she said. “Thank you.”

His dad said goodbye and stepped out, leaving the two of them alone together.

Rion shifted, wincing. They’d reduced his pain meds. Despite feeling more level-headed, he was achy. He was fine when he lay still but everything stung when he moved. It was like being covered in millions of tiny paper cuts.

Rion also felt like garbage after talking to the others yesterday. Thinking about what happened to Amber…

It was always hard.

Dr. Maes pulled up a chair. She’d brought a clipboard with her this time.

“How are you feeling today, Rion?” she asked.

“Not great,” he said. “Tired, sore…”

“Fair enough,” Dr. Maes said. “I wanted to talk to you about a few important things today. But first, is there anything you’d like to talk about? Anything you want to tell me?”

“Uh…” Rion began. His mind went blank. “No?”

“It’s okay if you can’t think of anything. If something comes to mind, just let me know. Don’t feel pressured.”

“Okay. Sorry, I just… I can’t really think of anything. I unloaded a lot last time…”

“You did. And thank you again,” she said. “I wanted to address some bruising we noticed on your torso. It’s too old to be from the fight with Noa. Do you remember how that happened?”

“Oh, uh… Yeah.”

That was a huge topic to start with. Rion needed to think about it for a second.

He remembered Peter telling him that he should mention Sarina. She was the reason he was all bruised up.

He didn’t want to talk about it. It was stupid. As much as he hated it, Sarina and her friends were right to beat on him. And he couldn’t explain why, couldn’t explain the horrible things he’d done to deserve it.

There was no point in mentioning it. It would just be another conversation he didn’t want to have.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable,” Dr. Maes said. “We can come back to that later, if you want.”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, that’s fine. The other thing I wanted to talk to you about was the pictures that you looked at before your altercation with Noa. I was hoping we could go over them and you could tell me a bit about them.”

It was then that Rion noticed the envelope of pictures on top of her clipboard. He stiffened, whole body tensing. He couldn’t help it.

“Can… Can we talk about the bruises?” he said, desperately wanting to avoid the pictures.

“Sure,” she said. “We can talk about whatever you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Rion was silent, trying to collect his rushing thoughts. He wasn’t comfortable talking about anything. But with the pictures here… Part of him hoped to distract Dr. Maes. Maybe he could get out of dealing with the pictures entirely. Even if he put it off for just a little longer…

“We, uh… A bunch of us used to hang out with this girl called Sarina. I might have mentioned her,” Rion said, wetting his lips. “She… She never really liked me. We never got along. But, uh… I kind of have to go back a bit, because… See, there were these friendship bracelets. Amber made them…”

He stopped, hesitated, and tried to think of the easiest way to say it.

“Noa got upset the day of Amber’s funeral and he cut up his bracelet. I took it from him in case he ever wanted it back. Sarina ended up finding it at my place and she thought it was my bracelet since they look a lot alike. She confronted me about it in front of everyone, so… I lied. I said it was mine. And then…”

And then everyone turned on him. Everyone abandoned him. It still stung, even if they’d forgiven him and Noa.

Rion was alone for years. He hadn’t forgotten that. It didn’t go away.

“And then…?” Dr. Maes prompted him.

“Then everyone stopped hanging out with me,” Rion said. “They kind of ditched me. I mean, I get it. I do. I don’t blame them.”

“That sounds really hard,” Dr. Maes said. “You must have been lonely.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “But I did it for Noa, so… It was hard but I didn’t want them to treat him like that. So I just kinda… I went along with it.”

“You’re a very good friend,” Dr. Maes said. “Not everyone would be so loyal or endure that for someone else. And for six years? Is that how long it went on for?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a really, really long time.”

“Yeah,” he said, pausing to reach up and rub the back of his neck with his good hand. It made the cuts on his palm sting. “It worked out though. Except… Sarina had it out for me after that. It started with snide comments and pushing me around… I mean, it’s not that bad, but… Sometimes she hits me or kicks me or whatever.”

“She abuses you?” Dr. Maes asked.

“I wouldn’t call it that,” Rion said, looking away. He was uncomfortable thinking of it as abuse, especially after what he knew Noa had been through. “She’s an asshole. Her and her friends.”

“Her friends have hurt you too?”

“Yeah, sometimes. …I mean, not all of her friends. Mostly just Eric and Kyle. They’re assholes.”

“Rion, that’s serious.”

“Not really,” he said, trying to deny it. “I just… I… I don’t know. I’m not sure…”

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to talk about it. But then he saw the envelope of pictures on the clipboard again. He wanted to see those even less.

“Sarina apologized not too long ago,” he added. “Maybe it’s over now. I don’t know.”

“Bruising on the torso is concerning,” Dr. Maes said. “Especially the kind of deep bruising that you have. You’re lucky to not have any fractures or broken bones. The beatings they gave you must have been quite vicious to leave marks like that.”

“It’s really not that bad. Nothing I can’t handle,” Rion said. “But thanks for worrying, I guess. It’s kind of nice.”

“Doesn’t anyone else worry?” she asked. “Your father? Your friends?”

Rion shrugged. “I don’t think other people even notice. My dad doesn’t. Or… I guess he might kind of know something about it now. The others…  Peter, Jesse, and Celeste…well, and Noa… They only just found out recently.”

“And what did they say? How did they react?”

“They weren’t happy,” Rion said. “They were upset.”

“That seems appropriate.”

“I guess so.”

“Have you considered pressing charges?”

“What? Against Sarina?” Rion said and snorted. “Yeah, no thanks. As soon as an adult shows up, Sarina pulls out the waterworks. She bawls her eyes out and plays the victim. It’s not worth it. At this point, all the teachers hate me, and the principal has been threatening to suspend me or kick me out of school.”

Dr. Maes paused. “I want to say that the police operate differently. And they do. But…if I’m being honest, a crying girl has more power than some people assume. I can see how that would put you in a difficult position because of perceptions.”

“Yeah…” Rion said, a little surprised that she understood. “Yeah, she blames things on me and then I’m the one who gets scolded for picking on a girl. It’s not fair.”

“No, that isn’t fair,” Dr. Maes said. “Are there witnesses?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah,” Rion said, blinking.

“That could help your case with the police,” Dr. Maes said. “If there are witnesses who will give an honest statement about what they saw, your word would have more weight.”

“Well, maybe. But I don’t want to press charges,” Rion said. “I’d rather just forget about the whole thing. It’s not important.”

“If that’s how you feel,” Dr. Maes said. “But I still think it’s a concern.”

“I get that. But it’s fine…”

His gaze darted the envelope of pictures on her clipboard. He was afraid she would drop the Sarina topic and move onto that next. So he blurted the first thing that came to mind.

“I think I’m gay.”

He regretted it immediately, even though Dr. Maes didn’t have any noticeable reaction, other than to raise her eyebrows slightly. He looked down, his insides squirming in discomfort.

Stupid. He was stupid. Why did he say that?

“Why do you think that?” she asked.

“Huh?” he said, looking back up at her. And then he felt his whole face growing hot. “I mean… I… I don’t like girls…”

“That doesn’t mean you’re gay,” Dr. Maes said.

She was watching him, but she didn’t seem to be judging him. She didn’t look disgusted and she wasn’t freaking out.

It still made Rion shiver. He was so anxious about it, about being judged for it.

He’d never told anyone that he thought he was gay. He’d barely even voiced it aloud to himself and he tried not to think about it. He was worried about it, tried to shove it down and bury it and be as normal as he could.

But he couldn’t change how he really felt.

“I guess you’re right…” Rion said.

“Sexuality can be a complicated thing. You don’t need to put it in a box and give it a label,” Dr. Maes told him. “You might not be attracted to women, but that could mean a lot of different things. Maybe you’re not attracted to anyone or maybe you just haven’t met the right person.”

Part of him wanted to agree. He wanted to lean into the safety of that statement. But Rion already waited too long, hoping that maybe he just had a bad impression of girls because of Sarina, or maybe he just hadn’t met the right girl. He’d tried to look at pictures and things, tried to assess his classmates. He felt nothing at all for any girl.

But the problem wasn’t just the girls. It was the guys. He definitely noticed them. Men caught his eye and the few times he fantasized… It was always men. Even when he tried to push that down to the furthest corner of his mind. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t control it.

“You’re not wrong,” Rion said. “But… I like… I like guys. I know I do. So…”

“All right. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that either,” Dr. Maes said.

“There…isn’t?” he asked, feeling just a little hopeful.

She smiled at him. “There are people out there who feel like it’s wrong. But this is something that’s a part of who you are. You might be able to control your actions and what you do and who you date, but you can’t control attraction.”

“I… Yeah. That’s true,” Rion said, blinking. This was not how he expected this conversation to go. “Um… I’ve never… I’ve never told anyone this.”

“No?” Dr. Maes asked. “No one?”

“I kind of… I might have brought it up with my dad. Indirectly. He didn’t know I was talking about…me,” Rion admitted, looking down in embarrassment, picking at his bandages. “He didn’t seem to mind. So there’s that. But, uh… I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about…you know…how I felt.”

It happened a long time ago and he barely remembered the conversation now. All he remembered was that his dad seemed fine with it. That was what mattered at the time.

“If you’re not ready to talk to other people, then you’re not ready. And that’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “You’re still young. You should be comfortable with who you are and tell people you trust when you’re ready. And you don’t have to tell anyone at all if you don’t want to. There’s no need to limit or put a label on yourself.”

“Yeah… I guess that’s true,” he said. “I’ve never really thought about it like that before. I guess… Yeah. Uh… That’s a good point.”

“It’s good to explore your thoughts and feelings,” Dr. Maes said. “It can help you to be more comfortable with who you are. And that’s hard for anyone.”

“I don’t know about that,” Rion said with a soft laugh. “Most people seem pretty confident to me.”

“A lot of people are fakers,” she told him, lowering her voice and giving him a wink. “Or they hide their insecurities.”

“Maybe.”

“Most people have something they hide from the rest of the world. And think of this way; unless you start dating another man, no one will know your preference without you telling them.”

“I guess so,” Rion said.

He understood her point. It was possible to keep all kinds of secrets. After all, the secret that Noa and Rion shared…

What happened to Amber…

But no. This was different. This was very, very different. This was about Rion and who he was. He felt like he could mess up and people could find out. He didn’t know how anyone would be able to tell, but sometimes he just felt like it was so obvious and everyone could see right through him.

Sarina and her friends calling him a fag didn’t help either. It made him feel like they knew, even though he was sure they didn’t.

If they would call him slurs just to be assholes, what would they say if they found out that he was actually gay?

He didn’t want to think about it anymore, even though talking to Dr. Maes made him feel so much better. She didn’t freak out and she treated him like he was normal… He didn’t know how to handle it.

He wanted to talk about something else, but he found his gaze shifting back to the envelope on the clipboard. His discomfort reared its head again.

But what else could he say? He felt like he’d exhausted the topics too quickly.

Maybe…

Maybe he just needed to get it over with.

“Hey, um…” he began, clearing his throat. “You said you have pictures. The ones that… The ones from the day Amber died?”

“Yes,” Dr. Maes said.

He expected her to start pulling them out. He expected her to show him the pictures. But she didn’t. She just sat there, watching him, looking totally relaxed and open.

“You…wanted to talk about them?” Rion said.

“I do,” she said. “But we don’t have to if you’re not ready.”

“Wait… Really?” Rion said, thrown off. “But… What? Don’t you have to ask?”

“No. That’s not how this works,” she said with a soft chuckle. “If you aren’t ready to talk about something, then you aren’t ready. I’m not going to force you into anything. We can talk about whatever you want. This is the second time we’ve sat down and talked. I don’t expect you to feel ready.”

“Oh…” he said.

And it was a relief. He thought he had to talk about it. Knowing he had an option to refuse made everything so much easier. He could avoid it entirely…

But Rion was sure it would keep coming up.

He didn’t think this would be the last time she brought the pictures with her. Rion was sure he’d have them looming over him until he decided to talk. And he didn’t want that. It was too much.

“I don’t want to talk about them or look at them again,” Rion said honestly. “But I’m okay to try. I can stop if I want to, right?”

“Absolutely,” Dr. Maes told him. “We can stop any time. Just let me know if you’re getting overwhelmed or you’re done. Okay?”

“Okay,” Rion said. “I… Thanks. Um… I don’t know where to start.”

“Do you want to see the pictures? Would that be okay?”

No, it wouldn’t. But Rion didn’t want to say that. He’d just asked to go over this so it was better to agree.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay. Here, let’s just make some adjustments.”

There was an overbed table off to the side – basically a tray on wheels that could be adjusted to different heights so that it could hover over the bedside. Dr. Maes got up and pulled it over, adjusting it so that Rion had a flat surface over his lap. He’d only used it for his meals so far but it was pretty handy. Dr. Maes grabbed a wipe and cleaned the surface (despite it already looking clean) before placing the envelope down before him.

“There you go,” she said, taking her seat again. “That should make things easier for you.”

“Yeah, um… Thanks,” he said.

She’d really laid everything out for him. It was all ready to go. He just needed to do the rest himself.

It was hard.

Rion’s heart sped up in his chest as he reached for the envelope. His hands weren’t shaking but he could feel his palms starting to sweat in his bandages, his cuts stinging as he picked the package up and opened it, pulling the pictures out.

He set the envelope aside and spread the pictures across the table. Until he found the blurred ones. He left them in a clump underneath the picture of squirrels on the trail that led behind the cabin.

“Who took which pictures?” Dr. Maes asked.

“Um… I had the camera a lot,” Rion admitted. “But this one, this one, and this one were Noa.”

“And the rest were taken by you and Amber?”

“The ones of me and Noa were done by Amber. But the rest…the rest were me.”

Even as he said it, Rion’s eyes were drawn to the picture of Amber. She looked bright eyed, happy.

It stung. It hurt to look at. She’d been alive and well and then, that same day…

Rion put her in the bathtub.

He couldn’t go there. He couldn’t think about it.

He grabbed the picture of the lake and placed it over top of Amber’s picture. He couldn’t look at her smiling face anymore. He was too uncomfortable, his heart beating too hard.

“Rion?” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah?”

“Why did you cover up Amber?”

He did a double take, glancing between the pictures and Dr. Maes.

“I… It hurts to look at her,” he admitted. “Sorry…”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m just trying to understand. Do you think you’d feel up to talking about that day?”

“I told the others what happened,” Rion said, hesitating. “I kind of… I… I broke down…”

“I heard about that,” Dr. Maes said. “That’s okay. You can stop if you feel overwhelmed and if you do break down, I’m here for you. We can work through it together. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, swallowing hard.

But he didn’t want to say anything. The words stuck in his throat. Rion thought it would be easier a second time, but it really wasn’t.

Dr. Maes sat there, waiting patiently for him. He probably could have stopped right there and not said anything else and she’d be fine with it. But he had to say something. He had to get this over with and out of the way.

He never wanted to see these pictures ever again.

“We went for a walk,” Rion said, barely managing to keep his voice steady.

He looked at the picture of him and Noa. He tried to focus on Noa’s face, Noa’s smile, to remind himself who he had done this for. It helped.

“We went for a walk,” he said again. “We went back to the cabin. Then the fire started. We panicked. Noa burned his hand on the wall, and… We got out. Then we ran for help.”

It was shorter than the version he’d told the others. He didn’t care. That was what happened. That was all. That was it. Simple. Done.

Rion tried to force himself to believe that was what happened. He had to focus on it, make it real in his own head. He had to make it true.

“Who went for a walk?”

Rion looked up at Dr. Maes. “Who?”

“Yes,” she said. “Who went for a walk?”

“Me, Noa, and Amber,” Rion said, blinking. “The three of us went together.”

“And where did you go?” Dr. Maes asked. “Down to the beach or the store…?”

“No. I think it’s gone now, but…but there used to be this path that went up behind the cabin,” Rion said. “It looped around through the woods. It was kind of a scenic little walking path. Um… It was maybe a twenty-minute walk?”

“Did you take any pictures while you were there?” Dr. Maes asked. “Because it was scenic?”

“This one,” Rion said, pointing to the photo of squirrels that was still covering the stack of blurry pictures.

“That’s a good one. Those squirrels are cute,” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah,” Rion said.

“Were you doing anything while you walked?” Dr. Maes continued. “I like to go for walks with an MP3 player. This was a while back… Did you have a Walkman or anything? Or were you talking and hanging out?”

“We were talking,” Rion said.

“Do you remember the conversation?”

He remembered it so vividly. It was painfully real in his head. He remembered every word. But he couldn’t say that.

“Not really,” Rion said.

“Did you stop by anywhere or did you follow the path back to the front of the cabin?”

Rion’s mind hit a snag, his thoughts jerking to a stop. He couldn’t blatantly lie but he couldn’t say what happened either.

Amber and Noa argued. Amber slipped.

Rion couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t tell anyone. He couldn’t. It was a secret. Because otherwise, what would people think of Noa? They might blame him and think it was his fault. But it wasn’t!

It was an accident!

Rion skipped over it entirely. There was only one thing he could say.

“We went back to the cabin,” Rion said.

“So, no stops along the way?” Dr. Maes said.

“We went back to the cabin,” Rion repeated.

Dr. Maes paused, hesitating for the briefest of moments.

“Did you take any shortcuts?” she asked. “Did anything happen?”

“We went back to the cabin,” he said again, like a broken record.

He didn’t have any other words. He couldn’t elaborate. He was stuck.

“Okay. I understand. You went back to the cabin,” Dr. Maes said, and he relaxed a little, ignoring how she made some kind of note on her clipboard. “What happened after that?”

They carried Amber inside. They found out she was bleeding everywhere. Noa said she was dead. He was crying. And then Rion was crying too and he knew he had to fix things. And–

The bathtub.

The blow dryer.

“Amber was in the bathroom,” Rion said, his voice cracking, struggling to get the words out.

Again, Dr. Maes hesitated.

“She went to the bathroom?” Dr. Maes asked for clarification.

“She was in the bathroom.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“She was in the bathroom.”

“Was she in there when the fire started?”

“Yes,” Rion said.

He kept his gaze fixed on the picture of Noa. He had to focus on him. He had to think of him. Noa was what mattered. Noa was important.

Rion tasted smoke. He swallowed hard, throat dry.

“Do you remember where the fire started?” Dr. Maes asked.

“In the bathroom wall,” Rion said.

“In the wall?” Dr. Maes repeated. “Did you go into the bathroom?”

Rion knew he probably shouldn’t answer but he just wanted it over with and…did it really hurt to tell her? This was private, just between them.

“Yes,” Rion said.

There was another long pause, broken only by the scratching of Dr. Maes’s pen.

“What did you see? Or what did you do?” Dr. Maes asked.

And then it was easier to speak again. Because the part with Amber was over.

“Noa came to get me. I was on the bathroom floor, freaking out,” Rion said. “That was when Noa burned his hand. He tried to grab me and I was flailing around and he…he braced his hand on the burning wall.”

“And what did you do?”

“I heard Noa make a noise. Because he was hurt. And then I saw the fire and I… I grabbed Noa and started screaming and pulling at him.”

“What did Noa do?”

“He ran. We both ran. We got outside and then… I think Noa threw up.”

“Did you go for help?”

“No, I… I didn’t know what to do. I was freaking out. Noa… It was Noa who said that we should go get help. At least I think so. We went to John’s cabin, and then a bunch of people started to show up and the firefighters were called, and…and then the fire started going crazy.”

He fell silent but poked at the pictures. He pushed the random ones aside, keeping the one of him and Noa. He didn’t want to look at the rest.

“Can I ask you when the blurry pictures were taken?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion glanced at them. The squirrel was still covering the stack but he could see the corner of the one underneath, see the blue of Amber’s jeans…

“It… It was an accident…” Rion said softly.

“I’m sorry?” Dr. Maes said.

“The pictures,” Rion said. He didn’t have a better way to explain. “They were… It was an accident.”

“Do you remember how it happened?” she asked.

“It was an accident,” he said again.

“…Okay, Rion. It was an accident,” Dr. Maes said. “I understand.”

She didn’t. But that was okay. Rion pushed the blurry pictures all the way to the corner of the overbed table. He pulled the picture of him and Noa closer, as close to him as he could. Everything else was pushed to the other side now.

“Do you know why Noa might have been upset by these pictures?” Dr. Maes asked.

Yes. He did.

Rion made Noa look at them. When Mrs. Murphy mentioned blurry pictures, Rion wondered what they were, if they were the ones from when they carried Amber into the cabin.

And they were.

“I… I don’t know,” Rion lied. “I don’t know. I just… I… They’re hard to look at.”

“I can tell,” Dr. Maes said. “Is that one your favourite?”

She was talking about the picture of Noa and Rion together. He was fiddling with the corner, bending it, picking at it.

“I guess,” Rion said. “I wish I could time travel. I wish I could go back to when this picture was taken, and… I wish I could fix everything.”

“I think a lot of people wish that,” Dr. Maes said.

A lot of people probably did. But if Rion had that kind of power, he could do so much good with it. He could save Amber. She would be alive again, and then everything would be okay. Everything would be right.

Rion would’ve given anything for a do-over.

“I miss her,” Rion said.

“Who?” Dr. Maes asked. “Amber?”

“Yeah,” he said. “She was great. Really nice. She cared about people, and… She was a really good person. She didn’t deserve to…to… You know…?”

And just like that, there were tears clouding his vision. He tried to blink them back but that only made it worse.

Silently, Dr. Maes passed him the tissue box from his nightstand.