The elevator ride down to the main floor was a long and quiet one. Jesse didn’t want to talk, his mind and heart racing.

Noa and Rion were inside the cabin when it was on fire. Amber was in the bathroom.

Why had they escaped but not Amber? How had they gotten away and she hadn’t? He couldn’t think of a good answer, no matter how many different scenarios ran through his mind.

Noa and Rion wouldn’t have abandoned Amber. They just wouldn’t. Jesse knew that. There had to be something stopping them. The fire, maybe, or…or… Jesse didn’t know what, but there had to be something. There was no other explanation.

But what could have stopped them? Did that mean Amber was trapped? But how? It’s not like the cabin was big. The doors had all been sturdy. They didn’t jam or anything like that. Jesse remembered. He’d been in that cabin a million times.

Could Amber have gotten stuck in some other way? He had trouble imagining even that much. But maybe…maybe the fire? If the fire started somewhere between Amber and the door, then… But it would’ve had to block the bathroom door. Amber should’ve been able to get out through one of the other rooms down the hall. The windows were easy to open. They were more than big enough for her to fit through.

Did Amber pass out? Was it smoke inhalation? But that would mean Noa and Rion left her lying somewhere in the cabin. They wouldn’t do that. They would have dragged her out. There were two of them. Even if she was too heavy for one of them, they both should’ve been able to drag her out together.

How? How had Amber stayed in the cabin but Noa and Rion had escaped? It didn’t make sense!

Jesse never wanted to think about it. He preferred to accept the simple explanation. The few times he did wonder, he imagined that she’d laid down for a nap or something while Noa and Rion went for a walk, and it was smoke inhalation that got her. He didn’t care if it made sense, he just wanted to think of her dying peacefully, quietly, without suffering.

But now Jesse knew Noa and Rion were there, that Rion knew Amber was in the bathroom…

What did it mean?

He couldn’t help but imagine that she’d still be alive, that she’d been trapped inside the cabin while it was on fire, and it was a horrible, terrible thought. He didn’t want to think about Amber, scared and alone, trapped and…

“Jesse?”

Danny was talking to him. He blinked and realized his face was wet. He was crying.

“Um… Here,” Danny said, holding out a napkin.

Jesse was so lost in thought that he hadn’t realized they were already standing in the food court on the main floor. Danny and Celeste were both staring at him, their expressions concerned.

“Are you okay?” Celeste said.

“No,” Jesse said, but he took the napkin Danny was offering and started wiping away his tears. “Sorry. I just… I…”

“No, it’s okay,” Celeste said. “I understand. It’s fine to be upset. I meant… Do you need a minute?”

“Yeah,” Danny added. “Are you good? Do you want to go home? Or is coffee good?”

“Coffee’s fine. I just need to sit down,” Jesse said.

“Why don’t you sit and we’ll grab you something,” Celeste suggested.

“Yeah,” Danny said. “You want anything to eat while we’re at it? I’m sure we could grab you chips or a muffin or something. Or, like, an actual meal.”

“Just coffee,” Jesse said. “That’s fine. Thanks guys.”

They waited, making sure he got a seat before they left him. Jesse took a moment to breathe. He scrubbed at his face, trying his best to relax. But it was hard.

A weird sense of self-consciousness began to eat at him. It wasn’t that he was worried about what Danny or Celeste thought because he knew they’d understand. But he’d heard comments before that got under his skin. Some people said ignorant things when he got upset thinking about Amber.

It was stuff like: “Amber was just your high school girlfriend. It was six years ago. Aren’t you over that yet?”

Maybe he should be over it. It was a long time ago. But Amber still meant so much to him. He loved her. That didn’t just go away.

Jesse stayed away from anyone who made those kinds of comments. He cut them out of his life. He didn’t talk about Amber as much around other people anymore.

It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid. And it hurt.

He took a few deep breaths but they didn’t do much. Jesse felt unstable, like he was going to start crying again any second. He was an emotional wreck.

And all because Rion told them what happened.

Jesse only heard what his parents told him and rumours from around town. He couldn’t even pinpoint who said what. He got so used to hearing it that he took it as fact. But…

Noa had barely spoken to anyone for six years. They didn’t know his side of the story. And the bracelet thing happened almost right after the funeral. Rion never told them what happened either. Not until now.

But still, how was Jesse finding out about this all these years later? How was he only just hearing that Noa and Rion were in the fire with Amber? It was easier to accept when he thought they weren’t there in the cabin, when he thought that there was for sure nothing they could have possibly done.

Jesse knew he couldn’t blame them. They were kids at the time. But he couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t wrap his head around Amber being left behind in the fire.

“Hey,” Danny said as he returned with Celeste and their coffees. It looked like they’d grabbed some snacks too. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m a little better,” Jesse lied, accepting his coffee and pulling it close. It warmed his hands. “Sorry. I got emotional…”

“It’s okay. Really,” Celeste assured him. “We understand.”

“I never heard about what happened. Not really,” Danny added. “Did Noa or Rion tell you guys anything?”

“No,” Jesse said.

Celeste shook her head. “I heard Noa and Rion went on a walk when the cabin caught fire. Everyone says so.”

“Either everyone is wrong, or Rion is wrong,” Danny said. “And I don’t think Rion’s lying.”

“What about…um… What about what Noa had? As a kid?” Celeste said. “Repressed or false memories or…whatever they called it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Jesse said. He wanted to be hopeful but another part of him denied the possibility. “Maybe he’s confused… What do you think he meant? He said Amber was in the bathroom.”

“I don’t know,” Danny said. “I have no idea.”

“Maybe she was taking a bath?” Celeste said but then looked away. “I don’t really want to think about it…”

Taking a bath? Maybe… That might explain why Noa couldn’t do anything. They used to have to pull the shower curtain around the tub for Noa because he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as one. Jesse couldn’t blame him. Noa’s dad tried to drown him in a bathtub when he was a kid.

But Rion should still have been able to help. And if Amber was having a bath, she could have gotten out and grabbed a towel. Amber wasn’t stupid. She wouldn’t have sat there and done nothing. It still didn’t make sense.

“I don’t know,” Jesse said. “I just want to understand… I don’t get how Noa and Rion could have been right there with Amber and decide to leave her behind. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, there was a fire,” Danny said. “I know I would have freaked out. They probably didn’t know what to do…”

“But they would have tried to help Amber,” Jesse said. “They loved her. Everyone loved her. No one would leave her behind.”

“Unless they couldn’t help for some reason,” Celeste said. She shook her head. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it. It doesn’t change anything.”

Celeste was right but she was also wrong.

Yes, Amber was dead. That wasn’t going to change no matter how much Jesse wished it could. But knowing what happened…that changed things. That changed everything.

But was Jesse ready to hear the full detailed truth, whatever it was?

Probably not. He knew it wouldn’t make him happy. Knowing that Amber died, how she died… It would never be okay. He’d never, ever be okay with it.

Jesse wanted to know. He needed to know. He wanted to understand.

Maybe that was stupid. Maybe he was stupid. But that was how Jesse felt.

“I don’t know,” Jesse sighed and took a long sip of hot coffee.

“Do you think Peter will be gone for long?” Celeste asked. “Rion looked really upset.”

“I honestly thought he might be having another panic attack or something,” Danny said. “I guess it must be really hard. I mean, if I’d been in that fire…”

If Jesse had been in that fire, he wouldn’t have left it without Amber. If he couldn’t save her, he would have stayed right there with her.

Of course he understood why Noa and Rion didn’t stay. He didn’t blame them. They were lucky to have made it out, but… What happened?

“How old were they back then…? Eleven? Twelve?” Celeste said.

“Something like that, yeah,” Danny said. “It’s messed up.”

“Hey, guys.”

Peter had returned. He looked worn out as he joined them, pulling up a chair.

“Oh, you’re back,” Celeste said. “Is Rion okay?”

“The nurse stepped in to help and then Mr. Blum showed up,” Peter said, sinking into his seat and letting out a long breath. “I’m not sure if it was a panic attack or what but Rion totally shut down.”

“Geez,” Danny said. “I feel so bad. This is… Man…”

“Yeah,” Peter said.

There was a pause for a moment. All of them hesitated to break the silence.

“Did you want to get a coffee?” Danny finally asked Peter.

Peter shook his head. “No. I’m just thinking about everything that happened. This explains a lot.”

“It does?” Jesse asked, looking up.

“Of course it does,” Peter said. “What Rion said… I always thought they were outside the cabin. I thought they just saw it from the outside, that they were scared and freaked out and couldn’t do anything… But knowing they were in there? No wonder they’re so traumatized. No wonder Noa’s blaming himself. They probably both feel so horrible that they got out and that Amber…didn’t.”

Jesse could at least understand that. Yeah, he would have been devastated in their shoes. If he lived and Amber died while he’d been right there… How could anyone forgive themselves for that?

But…

“Do you know what Rion meant?” Jesse asked. “Rion said Amber was in the bathroom.”

“I think he meant it literally,” Peter said. “She was in the bathroom.”

“But…how?” Jesse said. “How did they know where she was and not… They wouldn’t have left her there.”

“I don’t know,” Peter said. “They were scared kids in a horrible situation.”

“But Rion knew she was in the bathroom. What if she was trapped somehow, or…” Jesse continued and shook his head. He placed his hands on the tabletop, clenching them into fists. “Do you think the fire was between them and the bathroom? Do you think… She didn’t… Amber wasn’t…”

“Jesse,” Peter said, reaching over to put a hand on his shoulder, meeting his gaze. “It’s not happening right now, okay? It happened six years ago. And it was awful and terrible, but what happened is already done. Amber’s not hurt or suffering – she’s at peace.”

“I know that,” Jesse said weakly. Peter’s hand felt warm and heavy, a comforting weight. “I know. I just… I want to understand.”

“We all do,” Peter said. “But think about the situation. I mean, the situation we’re in right now. Noa doesn’t talk to anyone about this. Rion has been totally isolated and in a lot of ways, he’s been just as closed off as Noa. We’re finding out about this now because they’re getting to a place where they can talk about it. If we want to know more and understand, we need to work with them and we need to listen to them. Okay?”

“…Okay,” Jesse said.

He barely felt grounded. But having focus helped.

Peter pulled away. “I know it’s hard. Everything is crazy right now.”

“I’ll say,” Danny said.

“Yeah,” Celeste said. “I wish… I wish things were different.”

“Me too,” Peter said. He paused and then turned to Danny. “You asked Rion about the pictures… I hadn’t even thought about that. It got me thinking.”

“Yeah,” Danny said. “I mean… I went and saw Dr. Maes this morning because she had some questions. She was the one who asked about it and when I thought about it… It seemed really weird.”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Maybe… Can we see those pictures?”

“I don’t know…” Celeste began.

“There isn’t much to see,” Peter admitted. “They’re pretty normal, other than the blurry ones.”

“Still… Maybe there’s something we missed,” Jesse said. “Maybe… I don’t know. There must be a reason they got upset, right?”

“Yeah,” Danny agreed. “I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense to me.”

“We can look at them again if you want,” Peter said. “I don’t know what else to do other than wait, so… I guess it’s something.”