Rion woke up late in the day, groggy, his dad’s scarf tightly gripped in his hand.

He felt better than before. He wasn’t sure if it was the medication or the rest. He was able to move around easier and he used his tiny, newfound strength to push his dad’s scarf up and tuck it next to his pillow.

Beth was still around. When she saw that he was awake, she readjusted his bed, propping up the back so he could sit. Then she had food brought for him.

Rion was familiar with the stereotype of bad hospital food, but he didn’t mind it. It was a small step up from microwave dinners, bland but edible. It made him more awake, and he felt like he ate way more than usual. He polished off his plate.

After eating, he wasn’t given much of a break. He was informed there was a psychiatrist coming to see him and not long after, Beth stepped out when a friendly, red-haired woman arrived to see him.

“Good afternoon,” the new woman greeted him. “My name is Dr. Laura Maes. I’m one of the psychiatrists that work here in pediatrics.”

“You’re Noa’s doctor,” Rion blurted out.

He’d heard her name before a few times from the Murphys, as well as other people around town. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Noa was seeing a new psychiatrist that worked here in Misty Meadows. Rion didn’t spend much time with anyone, but because of that, he overheard a lot of conversations.

“Yes, I am,” Dr. Maes said, taking a chair from off to the side. She pulled it over to his bedside and took a seat. “That’s me.”

“You work here at the hospital?” Rion said.

“I do,” she said. “I have my own office where I hold scheduled appointments, but I spend most of my time here. Did Noa tell you about me?”

“He might have mentioned you, but I think I heard something from Peter…” Rion said, mulling it over. Then a new thought occurred to him. “Have you seen Noa? Is he okay?”

“I’ve seen him,” she said. “He’s in a private room and someone’s keeping a close eye on him. He’s okay.”

Rion was relieved, more so than before. He was happy to have more confirmation that Noa was safe. Hearing it from his nurse was one thing, but Dr. Maes worked with Noa and was familiar with him. She would know the most about his situation, right?

“Good,” Rion said. “That’s really good.”

“Yes, it is,” Dr. Maes said. “I need to ask you a few questions about what happened, if that’s okay. Are you feeling up to it?”

“Sure,” Rion said. He’d already been asked so many questions by everyone else. “That’s cool.”

“Okay,” she said. “Great. Why don’t we start by getting a little acquainted before we start. We’ve barely met. You’re Rion Blum, right?”

Rion felt his face growing hot. She’d introduced herself and he hadn’t even mentioned who he was. Of course she would know because she had to come to see him, but he still felt really rude.

“Yeah. Sorry,” he said. “I’m Rion. I, uh… I should have said something…”

“That’s okay. You’re not feeling well,” Dr. Maes said. “Medication can make anyone confused or distracted. You probably still feel pretty sore too. I’m sure it’s hard to keep your thoughts straight.”

“Yeah… Yeah, exactly,” he said. “I’m all… I dunno. It sucks.”

“Big time,” Dr. Maes agreed. “I know a lot of people have been poking you and asking you questions. That must be tough.”

“Yeah, but I think that part’s done now,” he said. “Or I hope it is.”

“Yes. I’m the only one who’s going to have questions now and mine are a little different,” Dr. Maes told him. “We can take things slow. If you get tired of talking, just let me know, okay? And just so we’re clear, everything we talk about is confidential. That means that I can’t tell anyone else what we talk about. The only time I would need to repeat our conversation would be if you tell me you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else.”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay,” Rion said.

He wasn’t worried about that. He wasn’t going to hurt himself, not as long as Noa was safe. And he for sure wasn’t going to hurt anyone else. He could barely move around anyway.

“I guess I’ll ask the most dangerous question of them all,” Dr. Maes said with a small smile. “How are you feeling? I heard you got lucky with your arm there. You can move it okay?”

“It feels weird,” Rion said, lifting his right arm. It was heavy. He gently flexed his fingers, grimacing at how it stung, then let it drop back down. “It’s still sore and it’s all… Like, I can’t feel the stitches, but I know where I was cut. They said I’m gonna have a scar.”

“It’s good that you can still move it,” she said. “You might have had problems if you’d been cut any deeper.”

“Yeah. It sucks though,” Rion said. “I wear a lot of long-sleeved shirts so I guess it won’t make much of a difference once it’s better.”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t bother anyone,” Dr. Maes said. “A lot of people think scars are attractive on a man.”

Rion stared at her, completely caught off guard by the comment.

He was used to being called a teenager and a kid, especially because of school. Other than that, people would just call him by his name. He was younger than most people he knew, other than Noa and Sarina. It didn’t matter that he was in grade twelve – even he saw himself as a teen.

This was the closest anyone had ever come to referring to him as a man. And it was really weird. But, like, a good weird.

A man. Him.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t who he was just yet, but…yeah. Rion liked that thought. It was really flattering that someone, even a random doctor, thought he was mature.

And she wasn’t wrong. He was going to turn eighteen at the end of the month. He’d be able to do everything but drink.

“I, uh… Yeah. Yeah, I guess,” he said, looking away. He picked at the sheets with his good hand, bashful. “I wasn’t, um… I wasn’t thinking of it like that. But sure.”

“Is that your scarf?” Dr. Maes asked. “The one by your pillow there?”

He was relieved at the change in subject, turning back to her.

“That? It’s my dad’s,” he said. “He came to visit, and… I think the meds were hitting me pretty hard. I asked him if I could borrow it and he let me have it.”

“That was nice of him,” Dr. Maes said. “You must really love your dad.”

“I… Yeah, I guess,” he said, deciding maybe this wasn’t a better topic after all. “Hey, um… I think Peter said you know some stuff about panic attacks?”

Actually, he wasn’t sure if he’d heard about it from Peter or not. But Peter had been the one to help him with his panic attack and he helped Noa regularly, so it only made sense that he learned from Dr. Maes. Because she was Noa’s doctor.

Dr. Maes was obviously taken aback by the question. She stared at him for a few seconds too long, blinking slowly.

“Panic attacks?” she repeated. “Yes, I do know a thing or two about panic attacks. Why do you ask?”

“Well, Peter seemed to know these breathing techniques, and…there’s the stuff he does with Noa. Something about the senses?” Rion said, trying to remember. “Um… Could you maybe…I don’t know…tell me more about that?”

“I might be able to,” she said. “Why are you interested? Do you know someone who’s having panic attacks?”

“Yeah, well, Noa,” Rion said with an awkward little laugh. She smiled but then he realized that, oh, she wouldn’t be able to tell him if Noa did have panic attacks. Patient confidentiality and all that. “But, um… Yeah. I guess I have them too? Peter helped me out with one, and… I mean, I never really called them panic attacks. I’ve just been considering them ‘freak outs’ or whatever, but… Peter helped me through one with this breathing thing and it helped, so… Since you’re here, I figured I might as well ask.”

He wondered if he was rambling. Dr. Maes was staring at him intently while he spoke. When he trailed off, she pulled out a small notepad and pen and began scribbling something down.

“That’s a conversation that we should tackle later, I think,” Dr. Maes said. “Sorry, I just want to write that down… What makes you think you’re having panic attacks? Other than the fact that Peter helped you with one. What do they feel like?”

“Uh… Horrible?” Rion said. “It’s like…having a heart attack. Like, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I usually go down on the ground and curl up in a ball. Everything gets all… It usually happens during thunderstorms or… I mean, sometimes they just happen and I don’t know why.”

“Thunderstorms?” she said.

“Yeah…” Rion said. “I think it’s because of my mom…”

And Amber. He could still remember the scream of electricity, the sharp crackling, the bathtub–

Not now. He couldn’t think about it.

“When I was little, there was this really bad storm,” Rion said, talking to distract himself. “Mom and I were driving. I think we were coming home from something… The car swerved off the road and we ended up in the ditch. We, uh…ran into a power pole. I don’t know what exactly happened but there was a line down, and… Mom got out of the car. I didn’t really… I didn’t see what happened to her, but… I was in the backseat and the…the door was open. I was stuck waiting until someone came, and… Sorry…”

He had to close his eyes for a second, breathing deep. He was getting worked up just talking about it. It was stupid since he could barely remember anything.

What stuck in his mind were those painful long hours of waiting. He remembered how that felt, freezing cold rain and wind blowing into the car, the storm raging. He’d been totally alone and he remembered thinking that maybe no one would come. His mom wouldn’t answer his cries and he’d been so, so scared…

“Don’t apologize,” Dr. Maes said. “Do you need a tissue? There’s some right here. It’s okay if you need to cry. That sounds really, really hard.”

“I’m okay,” he said, blinking rapidly for a moment. “Sorry. Thanks.”

“Again, you don’t need to be sorry,” Dr. Maes told him. “It’s okay to be upset by something awful. I can’t even imagine how terrible that would be.”

“It was years ago. I was, like, five. I can barely remember,” he said. “I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay. That’s fine,” Dr. Maes said. She still set a box of tissues next to him. “Why don’t we get into that some other time. We can talk about your panic attacks and work out some strategies, okay?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’d really like that,” he said. “I… To be honest, I kind of feel a bit crazy sometimes. Freaking out over nothing…”

“It isn’t nothing,” Dr. Maes said. “It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you. It remembers when you go through bad experiences, whether it’s mental, emotional, or physical. Your body is trying to remind you of the previous danger you were in so that you can prepare for anything bad that might happen in the future.”

“Well, it sucks,” Rion said with a small huff.

“It does,” she agreed, “but it isn’t nothing. Panic attacks, and anxiety attacks or flashbacks, can be unpredictable. This is where I come in. I help people find strategies that work for them, that help them manage and reduce those kinds of reactions. It’s not a cure, but there are things we can do to make things easier, so that you can live more comfortably.”

“I definitely like the sound of that,” Rion said. “All of this stuff just makes me tired.”

“I can imagine,” she said. “I’m really happy that you would tell me. Thank you, Rion.”

“I didn’t really do anything, though…”

“You did a lot just now. Communication is important, and it isn’t always easy. You seem great at it.”

“Not as great as you might think,” Rion said with a small smile, “but I have had a lot of practice with Noa. He, uh… He can be really reserved. And quiet. There’ve been times where I’m the only person he’ll talk to.”

“You seem like really good friends,” Dr. Maes said.

“Best friends,” Rion said. “We’ve been best friends since we met. We trust each other with everything.”

And it was probably the reason he felt so comfortable with Dr. Maes. He knew that Noa talked to her. Noa would have said something if he had a problem with her, so she must be good.

“When did you meet?” Dr Maes asked. “It sounds like you’ve been friends for a long time.”

“It was when Noa moved to town and came to stay with the Murphys,” Rion said. He’d never forget. Noa was the first friend he ever made. “It was in 1994. I think we were in grade one or two? We did a science project together. We’ve been best friends since.”

“That’s a really long time.”

“I guess so. We had a lot in common. Our moms were both… I mean, that’s not the only thing, but… He was quiet and alone and I was the same.”

Rion remembered. Both of them were awkward and shy at first. Rion brought up the rumours about Noa’s mom being killed and Noa got uncomfortable. But then Rion told him that his own mom was dead. He’d just sort of…talked, telling Noa how hard it was and how much it sucked.

And then Noa had opened up to him. Rion could still vividly recall the two of them sitting out behind the school at recess, with Noa quietly talking about his parents, about how alone and scared and confused he was, about his dad going to jail. Rion told him about his own dad, who would come home and, after making supper and doing chores, would collapse on the couch with the TV on and not say or do anything.

In only a couple weeks, they were inseparable. Because in a lot of ways, they were the same.

It made Rion feel like he wasn’t alone. He was sure that Noa felt that way too.

“Sounds like you really understand each other,” Dr. Maes said.

“Yeah. Definitely,” Rion said. “Anyway, you probably don’t want to hear about all that. It’s just… It’s not important. I think these pain meds are making me ramble… Sorry.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. Feel free to ramble as much as you want. It sounds to me like you need to get a lot off your chest.”

“I guess? I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so… I guess you’re taking the brunt of that. Sorry.”

“Again, you don’t need to say sorry. Though, I do have to ask…what about your friends? Don’t you talk to them? Or your dad?”

“Dad’s usually busy working,” Rion said. “And I don’t really have any friends.”

“No?” Dr. Maes asked. “No one? Just Noa?”

“Well…” Rion began and then let out a long breath. “Okay. So… When we were kids, Noa and I hung out with… I mean, we hung out with the Murphys, obviously. So, Amber and Peter… Danny’s always been really cool. And we used to spend time with Jesse and Celeste because they spent a lot of time with Amber. And…yeah. Danny was friends with Sarina…”

He didn’t want to talk about Sarina. At all.

“It’s different now, though. I only just started talking to everyone again. It’s been six years… It was since Amber died… That’s how long it’s been since we all hung out.”

“Did you drift apart?”

“No. Something really stupid happened. Then everyone got mad at me… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Maes said. “But you don’t talk to anyone? Not even your dad?”

“Half the time he doesn’t come home,” Rion said. “He’s really busy. He picks up a lot of overtime and he’ll just stay overnight at hotels in the city. I mean, he eventually comes home, but… I don’t want to bother him.”

“Why do you think you’d be bothering him?” Dr. Maes asked.

Rion grimaced, thinking about it. “Maybe ‘bother’ is the wrong word. He…he does his own thing. That’s all.”

Dr. Maes hummed. “Well, you can tell me as much as you want. But I think you should maybe try to make some connections. It sounds to me like a lot of people are very worried about you.”

Rion didn’t believe it.

He believed that Noa was worried about him. He probably felt guilty for Rion. He was probably blaming himself right now… But the others? No.

Rion was completely disconnected from them. It was, in part, the friendship bracelets. But because of what he’d done…because of Amber…

If they knew the truth, they’d never be able to forgive him. So they weren’t really his friends. They only cared about him because they believed all the lies. That wasn’t any kind of true friendship.

Only Noa knew the truth. And Noa was the only one who accepted what Rion had done. Even if the reason he did was because he wanted to place all the blame on himself…

“Actually,” Rion said. “Can you, um… Could you do me a favour maybe? Just a small one?”

“That depends,” Dr. Maes said. “What is it?”

“Noa… I’m sure he feels terrible for what happened. He probably thinks it’s his fault,” Rion said. “It’s who he is. He… He’s too hard on himself. Can you tell him that I’m not mad or upset? Can you tell him that I know it was just an accident? I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I was the one who jumped right into the glass like an idiot… I don’t want him to blame himself.”

“I think I can pass that along,” Dr. Maes said.

“Okay,” Rion said, relieved. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem. Actually, since we’re on the subject, do you mind if I ask you a few more questions? I just want to know a little more about what happened last night.”

“Oh, sure,” Rion said. “Go for it.”