Noa didn’t sleep.

In the fight with Rion, grappling with him on the floor, everything had been a blur. The only thing he distinctly remembered was slicing open Rion’s arm. He wasn’t even sure how it happened, but the glass shard had been in his hands until a paramedic pried it away. He’d clutched at it as Rion passed out, bleeding all over…

Noa tried to sort it out in his head. He couldn’t. The only conclusion he could come to was that he hurt Rion. Again.

He cut Rion open. He could have killed him. It was his fault all over again.

Noa hated it, loathed himself for it, but he knew it was inevitable. He was evil and wrong and hurt everyone around him. It just kept happening over and over and over. He should have stayed away from Rion. He should have stayed quiet and hidden away and…

Noa knew better! He did! So why did he keep repeating the same mistakes?

Everything was a mess.  Noa could barely follow any of it. His aunt had come home at almost the exact same time the ambulance pulled up. The police came too. There were so many cars and flashing lights and first responders. He was pretty sure he saw Peter and Celeste pull up, but at that point Rion and Noa were both swarmed by paramedics.

Noa had wanted to shut everything out. So he did.

He was familiar with being quiet. Staying silent and still was right. It was harder for him to hurt anyone around him if he did as little as possible. It was easy too, letting people talk around him. Everything was too confusing to follow anyway. He shut everything out and let things happen, only making minimal responses where absolutely necessary.

Paramedics, doctors, and nurses were all scary good at getting answers when they wanted them though. And they needed some of those answers. He was poked and prodded, medicated, glass pulled out of him piece by piece.

It felt like it was happening to someone else. He was detached, distant from it, like he was watching everything through a stranger’s eyes.

Eventually, he was bandaged up and shown to a very small, plain room. There was a bed molded to the floor with a mattress, pillow, and bedding and…that was it. Other than his nurse.

Noa was assigned a nurse named Gary. He had just started his shift, which might have been why he seemed so friendly and cheerful even in the early hours of the morning. He wore scrubs that had a rubber duck pattern that seemed to perfectly match his personality.

He was easy to ignore. So that’s what Noa did. He lay on his bed in the most comfortable position he could. But he didn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep.

Noa hurt Rion. He’d cut him open.

Rion was the last person he wanted to hurt.

Why couldn’t he just not be himself? Why did he always ruin everything? Noa hated it. If there was some way to cut out that horrible part of himself, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

But it wasn’t any one part of him. It was all of him.

Why couldn’t his parents drown him properly when he was a kid? It would have been better for everyone. The Murphys would be happy, Amber would be alive, Rion would have made other friends. If he wasn’t here, everyone else would be better off, happy, living their lives without him.

He was like a disease, a cancer, a festering wound. He hated it.

“Hey, Noa?” Gary spoke up. “You think you’re up for a visitor?”

Noa had been staring at the wall, laying on his good side, lost in thought. But he turned his gaze to Gary, who was over by the door.

“Dr. Maes is here to see you,” Gary added when he saw that he had Noa’s attention.

Noa couldn’t keep up. He was tired and sore and hating everything he was. His mouth betrayed him, too agreeable for its own good.

“Okay,” he said.

Stupid. Why did he say okay? Shut up, Noa. Shut up.

Gary opened the door and in stepped Doctor Maes. She didn’t look tired either. Maybe she was a morning person.

“Hi, Gary,” she said, familiar with the nurse. “Good morning.”

“Same to you,” he said. “I’ll just step out while the two of you talk. The call bell’s the button on the wall there, next to the bed. I’ll be right outside.”

“Thank you,” Dr. Maes said.

She took the chair that Gary left behind. While the nurse slipped out the door, Dr. Maes pulled the chair Gary had been occupying over to Noa’s bedside.

“Hi, Noa,” she said. “Good morning.”

He didn’t want to answer her. He pulled his pillow to him tighter, nuzzling his face into it to avoid looking at her. It hurt, all the cuts and bruises reminding him they were still there. His left side had needed some stitches from a big piece of glass that had cut into him when he fell. It hurt the worst, followed shortly after by his sliced-up hands and knees.

“I heard about what happened,” Dr. Maes continued. “I have some questions to ask you, okay?”

“No,” Noa said into the pillow. “Go away.”

Dr. Maes paused. He must have caught her off-guard because she was quiet for a long moment.

“You want me to go?” she asked. “Why?”

He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to return to silence. It was hard – harder than it had ever been. He was angry, mostly at himself. It was impossible to think of anything else. He wanted to hit something, but it was too risky to lash out. He couldn’t dare risk hurting anyone else. Not after what he’d done to Rion.

“Are you surprised to see me?” Dr. Maes asked when he didn’t answer. “Did you know I worked at the hospital too? I think I mentioned–”

“I don’t care,” Noa cut her off, lifting his head off the pillow enough to be heard legibly. “Go away.”

“Can you tell me why you want me to go?” Dr. Maes asked. “If you can give me a good reason, I'll make arrangements to come back later.”

Noa readjusted himself further so that he could glare at her. “I don’t want to talk.”

“But you’re talking right now,” Dr. Maes said. “We’ve had enough sessions together that I think when you don’t want to talk, you’re not going to say anything. I’ve heard you’ve been really quiet since you got here.”

Noa hated that she was right. It made him angrier at himself.

The right decision was to keep his mouth shut. But he couldn’t.

“Shut up,” he snapped. He wasn’t even sure if he was talking to her or himself.

“That’s a bit rude,” Dr. Maes said. And it was so frustrating that she was perfectly calm when she said it. She was completely unbothered. “Are you in pain? You should have been given some medication.”

“I was,” Noa said.

“Then is the attitude because you’re upset?” Dr. Maes asked. “I know it’s not fun being in the hospital.”

Noa hadn't been to the hospital in years. It was different from when he was little, when he went with his parents all the time. He remembered when he’d gone with his father because of a dislocated shoulder. It was the last time before he was almost drowned in the bathtub. It stood out in his memory because his father raised his voice to the doctor and he’d been scared.

Mother had told him he needed to lie and say it was an accident, that his father had just pulled on him a little too hard. So he repeated her words. He didn’t want her to get mad at him again. The doctor had implied it was abuse after looking him over…

It wasn’t a happy memory.

Waking up in the hospital after almost drowning wasn’t a happy memory either. He had never seen his parents after that. And coming to the hospital after Amber died…

Hospitals were places where you went after terrible things happened. Of course they weren’t happy. They were miserable. He didn’t want to be here at all.

“I’m not upset,” Noa snapped. “It doesn’t matter that I’m hurt or in the hospital. So what. Big deal. Leave me alone.”

Dr. Maes was silent for another moment. Then she said, “If none of that matters, what does? What matters right now, Noa?”

“Rion,” Noa said.

He didn’t even think. The name popped out of his mouth without any hesitation.

“What matters about Rion?” she said.

The question infuriated him. It lit a fire in him. Noa raised himself up, curling inward like an angry, wounded animal.

“Everything!” Noa said. “Everything about Rion matters! I sliced open his whole arm! He could have died! He… He could be… It’s all my fault…”

His anger was doused all at once, gone the moment it came, cut off by the realization that he still didn’t know what happened to Rion. They’d been separated. Rion had been bleeding and unconscious…

He could be dead or dying. How would Noa know? He hadn’t seen him. He hadn’t…

“Rion’s going to be okay,” Dr. Maes said. “He’s in another room and he’s being looked after.”

The relief was a tiny weight off his shoulders, too small to make much of a difference.

“It’s still my fault,” Noa said. “I still hurt him. I cut him. All I do is hurt people. I’m bad. I’m evil.”

He wrapped his arms around himself, digging his fingers into his arms. It hurt – not just his arms, but his palms too. It stung and prickled where he was already injured. He dug his nails into skin, the pain biting almost as much as his other cuts–

“Noa,” Dr. Maes said, her voice stern. “Please don’t grab yourself like that. You’re hurting yourself. If you don’t stop, I’m going to call Gary and security. They’ll strap you down to the bed. Is that what you want?”

“No,” Noa said after swallowing thickly.

But it felt right to be hurt. He deserved it. He should suffer.

“Then please, let go,” Dr. Maes said. “I’m only going to ask once.”

Noa forced himself to loosen his grip. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t want to be tied down either. His arms prickled, sore where his nails had dug in, and his palms throbbed. Everything tingled unpleasantly.

“Thank you,” Dr. Maes said. “I know that you’re upset, but you can’t hurt yourself.”

“I deserve it,” Noa said.

“Why?” she asked.

He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to answer. He was sure he didn’t. But the words just spilled out of his mouth. He couldn’t stop it. He hated that she just kept asking questions and he just kept giving her answers.

“I ruin everything.”

“How? Explain it to me. I want to understand.”

“It’s just something that I do.”

“I find that hard to believe. You haven’t ruined anything around me. From what I’ve seen of you, you’re quiet, artistic, and careful. You’re soft spoken and reserved. You seem like a really considerate person, not a destructive one.”

“You’re wrong,” Noa said firmly. “I’m careful because I have to be. When I’m not… Bad thing always happen. Like how I cut Rion’s arm.”

“Did you mean to cut Rion’s arm?” Dr. Maes asked.

“No,” Noa said. “But it doesn’t matter. Because that’s what happened. I don’t want bad things to happen, but they still do. And it’s always because of me. I’m the problem.”

“Are you sure about that?” Dr. Maes asked. “A lot of bad things happen all the time. Most of the time we don’t want them to happen, but they do anyway.”

“I had the glass in my hand,” Noa said. “That means I cut Rion’s arm. That makes it my fault.”

“But you said you didn’t mean to cut him,” Dr. Maes said.

“Of course I didn’t mean to,” Noa said, growing frustrated. “Rion’s my best friend! I’d never… I’d never want to hurt him. Never.”

“If Rion was holding a piece of glass and he cut you without meaning to, would that make him bad?” Dr. Maes said.

Noa gave her an immediate dark look. “That’s not the same.”

“No? Why not? What makes it different?”

“Because it would be an accident. And I would deserve it anyway.”

“Why would you deserve it?”

“Because I’m evil.”

“But what makes you evil?”

Noa knew what she was doing and he hated it. He scowled, grabbing a fist full of pillow and squeezing it tightly. It wasn’t as satisfying as digging his nails into his arm and it didn’t hurt as much, but it did make his hands sting.

“I just am,” he said.

“What makes you think that?” Dr. Maes said. “You’re telling me that what happened was an accident. I don’t see how that makes you a bad person.”

“I told you, I just am,” Noa insisted.

Dr. Maes was silent for another moment. Then she let out a quick breath.

“Does this have anything to do with why you picked up the glass shard in the first place?”

“No.”

“Okay. Then why did you pick up the piece of glass?”

That… Noa didn’t have an answer.

He wanted everything to go away, to stop, to disappear. He wanted an escape, a way out. So, he’d reached out and grabbed the nearest large chunk of glass.

Noa had thought about killing himself more than once before. It was hard to ignore the benefits.

If he was dead, the Murphys wouldn’t have to support him anymore. More importantly, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else. Everyone could live their lives safe and happy without him.

But death was permanent. It couldn’t be undone. Noa knew that and he remembered what it was like when Amber died. It was the worst possible thing. It punched a gaping hole in everyone’s lives. Because she was so loved, because she was so special. Everyone was hurt and grieved and…

If he died, he knew something similar would happen. It would hurt people. Even if things would work out for everyone and they would be happier in the end, he didn’t want anyone to suffer more than necessary because of him.

So, as good of an idea as it seemed, Noa would always conclude that he shouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to risk it. Not unless he was sure, really sure, that he wouldn’t be missed. He didn’t want to hurt people by dying – that would defeat the whole purpose.

If he could just quietly disappear from existence…that would be the ideal solution.

Noa couldn’t say that he wanted to die. He couldn’t say that was his plan when he picked up the glass. But he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have tried to hurt himself either. He couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have felt too hurt, too angry, too sick with himself, and used the glass as an escape. He hadn’t been thinking straight.

“I don’t know,” Noa finally said.

“You don’t know?” Dr. Maes repeated. “You’re not sure why you picked it up?”

“I was upset,” Noa said. “I just…did it. I don’t know.”

“Were you thinking about hurting yourself?” she asked him directly.

Noa was silent. He couldn’t answer that. He couldn’t deny it, but it wasn’t exactly his intention either.

“…So that we’re clear, there’s a difference between wanting to hurt yourself and wanting to end your life,” Dr. Maes added.

“I didn’t… It wasn’t about what I wanted,” Noa said. “I just grabbed it. I don’t know. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t even mean to break the glasses. I just…wanted to hit something, and… The glasses broke. I wasn’t thinking about it.”

“What were you thinking about, then?” she asked him.

“I wanted everyone to leave me alone,” Noa said. “I still want to be left alone.”

“Okay,” Dr. Maes said. “Right now, we’re all really worried about you, Noa. We can’t leave you all by yourself. Someone will still need to stay and watch you. But…we can give you some time to rest. You can lay down and not talk to anyone. It would probably be good if you got some sleep. Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” Noa said, glad he at least had some kind of option left.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m glad we can agree. I still have some questions and we need to finish this talk. But after, you can have some space. Okay? Does that sound good?”

“Okay,” Noa said.

“Good,” she said. “I’ll try to be quick.”