Their day at the cabin started out great, despite the talk Rion had with Amber earlier.

They went down to the beach and took a few pictures, hanging out. They took a walk along the shore and Noa found a cool rock that he’d taken back to the cabin when they returned for supper. Amber made hot dogs. After, they helped her move the couches so that there would be more room tomorrow when everyone showed up.

They wound down. Noa and Rion played Game Boy together until Rion’s batteries died unexpectedly. They didn’t have any extras so Noa put his game away too until they could play together. Because Noa was cool like that.

Knowing that the gaming was done, Amber suggested a walk along the path out back so that they could take more pictures and get some fresh air. The sun was starting to hang low in the sky when they headed out. Amber made them bring their jackets even though it was still warm out.

It was a dry autumn day. The leaves had already fallen and covered everything. They crunched loudly underfoot and both Rion and Noa couldn’t resist kicking at the bigger piles. Rion had the camera dangling from the strap around his neck and had to keep reminding himself to be careful with it when jumping around.

The trail looped behind the cabin and soon they were getting close to the end of their walk. The path was on a hill and sloped gently down the long side, through a row of caraganas, and then back to the main road. It meant they had to circle around to the front, even though they could see the cabin roof from there, just a few meters away.

The hill itself had a really steep slope, almost a drop, that ended right behind the Murphy cabin. There were lots of trees and bushes, making it hard to see the way down even with most of the leaves already scattered on the ground.

Rion thought about taking a picture of the cabin from behind, but he didn’t want to get too close to the edge. He fiddled with the lens cap, turning it around, feeling special since he was the one carrying it.

As cool as it was, it was really heavy. His neck was getting sore. Maybe he should give it to Noa until they got back. They’d been passing it back and forth all day…

“Hey,” Amber spoke up, slowing to a stop. “Noa, can I talk to you about some serious stuff?”

Noa, who’d been walking next to Rion, stopped and looked up at her. Rion stopped too, but his grip on the camera tightened.

Serious stuff? She wasn’t… Amber wasn’t going to…

“Uh… Sure, I guess,” Noa said. “What is it?”

“Well… Okay, this is going to sound kind of bad,” Amber said. “I saw some stuff in your private sketchbook. It was an accident and I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t going to say anything, but I noticed some things, and… I’m worried.”

Noa wasn’t happy about that. He looked down, shuffling his feet.

Rion understood. Noa had shown him some of the stuff in his private sketchbook. Rion was uncomfortable looking at it. He tried not to think about it, reassuring himself that Noa probably wouldn’t hurt himself if he could draw and get his feelings down on paper. It helped him and that was a good thing.

Noa promised he would try to talk to Rion first when he felt bad. He’d pinky promised.

“You’re not supposed to look,” Noa said.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Amber said. “I just need to ask…are you hurting yourself?”

She already knew the answer. She knew the truth. And it was Rion’s fault.

He looked down, guilty, heart hammering in his chest. He felt horrible. Why had he answered Amber? That kind of stuff was supposed to be private. Noa trusted him to keep a secret. He didn’t think Amber would do this. Why…?

He snuck a glance at Noa, afraid of his reaction. Noa was frowning at Amber.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jean jacket.

“It does. It really does,” Amber said. “I…I saw some things in your room.”

“You went through my stuff?” Noa asked, voice rising, hurt.

“Because I was worried,” Amber said. “And I was right to be worried. Matches, Noa? Where did you get those? They weren’t even hidden. They were on your nightstand last week.”

Rion turned his gaze back down, staring at his sneakers. He felt so awful. He knew about the matches. He knew about the kinds of things Noa did to himself. It wasn’t just burning himself, but pinching, scratching, hair pulling… Noa told him everything. Rion had even seen some of it, a little. Mostly the hair pulling and the scratching. Rion hadn’t told Amber about all of that, but…

Noa tensed, crossing his arms and looking away.

“I have matches. So what?” he said. “I found them.”

“Noa, you’re scaring me,” Amber said. “You’re really, really scaring me. You know that hurting yourself is bad, right? Burns can leave scars, and… Please talk to me. I want to help.”

“You can’t,” Noa said, voice strained. “You can’t help. There’s… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“How would you feel if I hurt myself?” Amber asked. “Or if Peter did? Or Rion? Would that be okay?”

“No!” Noa said emphatically.

“That’s how I feel. It’s bad,” Amber said. “What’s going on? What’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

But instead, Noa sent a pleading look in Rion’s direction. Rion bit his lip and looked away, feeling horribly guilty. It was his fault they were having this conversation.

“I… I don’t…” Rion began, trying to think of something he could say, some way he could support Noa. “I don’t think Noa wants to talk about it…”

“He’s never going to want to talk about it, Rion,” Amber said. “And I understand that. I really do. But I want to help.”

“Can’t we go back to the cabin?” Noa said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I can’t just ignore it,” Amber said. “I can’t pretend this isn’t happening. This is serious, Noa!”

“It’s fine!” Noa said, sinking into his jean jacket. “I deserve it.”

“What? No, you don’t,” Amber said. “Why would you think that?”

With his face tucked so far into his jacket, Noa began to nibble on the collar for some form of comfort. He looked like he wanted to hide and shut down. And Rion felt the same, standing there with Amber confronting Noa like this… It was really, really uncomfortable.

Amber tried again. “Noa–”

“My mother was right about me,” Noa said, voice low. He hunched his shoulders, fidgeting with the cuffs of his jacket. “Everyone says…everyone says that she was a good person… So that has to mean she was right.”

“What? Aunt Wendy?” Amber said. “What do you mean?”

“She… I was wrong. All the time. She always got mad at me for everything over and over,” Noa said. “She knew I was bad and wrong. And my father… I don’t remember him doing anything bad. I don’t remember… But if he was evil like people say he is, then I must be evil too.”

“That…that’s not true at all,” Amber said. Her voice wavered. She was tearing up. “You’re not evil. Don’t say that.”

“I have to be,” Noa said. “People talk about my father all the time. They… Everyone says he tried to kill me. If he would do that to me… And Mother…she…she was always so mad at me and everything I did was always wrong. I’m bad. I know I am, and… No one punishes me anymore. I have to do it myself. I have to make it right somehow.”

“Noa, you don’t need to be punished,” Amber said. “That’s bad. That’s wrong. You’re good–”

“But I’m not, though!” Noa said, raising his voice. “I’m not! I look like my father. I’m…I’m different from everyone, and… I only remember him being nice to me and if I think he’s nice then I must be worse than him somehow.”

“That’s not it at all!” Amber said. “And it’s no reason to hurt yourself! When you hurt yourself, you hurt the people who love you! You can’t do that…”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Noa said, his shoulders nearly up to his ears in discomfort. “I want to go back to the cabin.”

He started walking. Rion followed him but Amber hurried ahead, cutting them off.

“No! Wait!” she said. “Noa, we are not done this conversation.”

“Just stop!” Noa said. “Leave me alone!”

“I won’t leave you alone!” she said. “I can’t just ignore the fact that you’re hurting yourself! Fire is really dangerous too! It would be way too easy for things to get out of control! So many things could go wrong–”

“Shut up! I know!” Noa snapped.

Rion jumped, startled. He’d never heard Noa tell anyone to shut up before, especially not his cousin. Noa tried to walk away a second time but Amber darted ahead of him again. She grabbed him by the arm.

“Noa! Stop!”

“Let go of me!”

He shoved her, trying to get his arm free. Amber stumbled back–

Her foot slipped over the side of the path.

Amber let out a strangled yelp, sliding backwards on the heel of her sneaker, but the sound was cut short as she crashed backwards into a tree. There were several horrible cracks, branches snapping at the force of her fall, and then–

She was gone.

Rion hurried over, leaning over the edge of the slope. He couldn’t see Amber, but he could hear her slide straight down through the leaves, crackling through the underbrush. And then he couldn’t hear her anymore. He couldn’t hear anything.

It was silent.

Rion stood there, waiting for…something. He didn’t know what. Noa took a hesitant step forward. Then another. He stopped next to Rion, looking over the edge.

They both stood, looking down at nothing.

Was that real? It didn’t feel real. It happened so fast. Amber was there and then she was gone. What happened?

“Amber?” Rion called out.

There was no answer.

Rion turned to Noa, who was staring down, wide eyed. Then he looked down the slope again. He couldn’t see or hear Amber moving. He couldn’t hear anything except the wind.

“A-Amber?” he tried again. “Are you okay?”

Silence.

“Maybe… Maybe she’s unconscious?” Rion said, his voice dropping to barely above a whisper. “She… She must be… I mean… She’s okay. She just… She slipped and fell…”

“I pushed her,” Noa said.

“Yeah, but…but her foot slipped. I saw it,” Rion said. “She… It’s not that far down. She…she’s gotta be okay.”

Noa didn’t say anything. The silence was becoming too loud in Rion’s ears. He couldn’t stand here and not say anything.

“She hit the tree. She… Did you see if she hit her head?” Rion continued. “I thought I saw… That…that could have knocked her out. We should… We should go and… She needs help.”

But his body didn’t want to move. His legs were rooted firmly in place. He wanted Amber to call back to them, to say something. Even if she started crying or…anything. It was too quiet. Why was it so quiet?

Noa reached out, grabbing hold of a tree branch. Then he stepped off the edge, sliding down, putting his weight on a root that stuck out. He began to slowly work his way down, half sliding precariously. The underbrush snagged him, but he pushed it aside and kept going.

Rion didn’t want to go down that way. It looked too steep. But Noa was doing it, so…

He did his best to follow. Rion’s feet kept sliding around in the wrong directions. There were too many leaves on the ground and it was so, so steep. More than once he slipped, barely managing to catch himself from sliding the rest of the way down or narrowly avoiding running into Noa. And when he didn’t slip, he was tripping over dead branches and stubbing his toes on rocks. The camera weighed heavily on his chest as he leaned back, careful not to get the strap caught on his way down.

They finally made it to the bottom. They were both dirty and sore, their hands raw and sticky from the few sap-covered pines they braced themselves against. Rion’s heart was leaping in his chest and his breaths were coming out ragged and shaky.

They found Amber.

She was sprawled in the leaves, her hair a tangled mess, covering her face. She was on her back, covered in dirt, twigs, and leaves. She wasn’t moving. She was just…there…like that.

“Amber…?” Noa said, taking a hesitant step closer. “Are you…are you okay? I… I’m sorry that I… Amber?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t move.

“Sh-she must… He has to be knocked out,” Rion said. “She has to…”

Noa looked around, his gaze settling on Rion. His eyes were too wide, his skin too pale, ashen.

“We…we can’t leave her like this,” Noa said. “We can’t… The sun is setting, and… It’ll get cold. She… What do we do?”

Rion flexed his hands at his sides. Yeah, Noa was right. It was going to get cold. They couldn’t just let Amber lay there like that. They had to do something. They had to…

“We need to get her into the cabin,” Rion said. “We have to… We need to carry her.”

He turned to the cabin. It was right there, just a few meters away. It was so close. They just needed to take her around front and get her through the door. They hadn’t locked it when they left so it would be easy. A lamp was on in the living room. It would be warm and safe inside, and… They had to get in there.

“She’s…she’s too heavy,” Noa said. “We can’t… How?”

“We can do it together,” Rion said. “We can… Um… Here. You take her… You… I’ll grab her legs and you…”

“…Okay…”

Rion moved, scooping up Amber’s legs, hooking her knees over his arms and hugging them. Noa went to the other side, lifting her under the arms, her head tucked against his chest.

They raised Amber up together. They were both straining from her weight as they heaved her up. It was awkward and she was so heavy. 

Rion’s heart pounded. He was scared he would drop her. He held onto her as tight as he could. Noa’s expression was pinched as he struggled from the effort. But they managed to lift her and started to walk, carrying her as carefully as they could while they crunched through the leaves.

Amber was warm in Rion’s arms, her limbs limp, swaying with every motion. That meant she was okay, right? That meant she was fine. She was just unconscious, like in movies and TV shows.

He kept telling himself things would be okay as they struggled along. The camera was bunched up against his chest, digging into him uncomfortably, the lens pressed against Amber’s knees. The cap had come off on the slide down the slope, dangling off its thin cord, and Rion could care less about getting it back on.

They made it to the front of the cabin. Rion went first, almost dropping Amber’s legs as he frantically tried to turn the doorknob. He finally got it, stumbling back into the cabin when the door swung inwards.

The camera jostled at the movement, scrunched between Rion’s chest and Amber’s knees. And suddenly, it started clicking and whirring like crazy.

“What is that?!” Noa said.

“The camera! It’s just the stupid camera…” Rion huffed. “Just… Come on. The couch.”

Rion struggled the rest of the way with Noa, but they managed to get Amber onto the couch. She was dead weight and almost slipped to the floor when they set her down on the edge. Rion had to shove and push her the rest of the way onto the couch. Then he went to close the front door, still trying to catch his breath.

The camera had gone silent, but Rion didn’t care. He couldn’t care. He put his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths, grimacing. It felt like his chest was bruised and he was all sweaty and gross…

“…Rion…?”

Noa’s voice sounded weird, high and tight in the back of his throat. Rion looked up.

He stared at Noa, his breath catching.

There was a dark smear across the front of Noa’s jacket. It was glistening, wet, dark red. Noa’s hands were covered in it too. He’d reached up to try and wipe it away–

Blood. It was blood.

“Are you okay?!” Rion said, nearly tripping as he tried to straighten and step forward at the same time. “Did you get hurt sliding down the hill?!”

“No…” Noa said, his voice still off. “It’s…it’s Amber…”

Rion looked at Noa and then to Amber, who was lying on the couch. He didn’t see any blood on her. She looked… Well, she didn’t look okay, but… She wasn’t bleeding.

“She… I don’t see anything?” Rion said.

“Behind… She… Her… The other side,” Noa said, struggling. He was tearing up, starting to shake, holding out his bloodied hands, trying to keep them away from himself. “The back of her…of her head…”

Rion reached out to try and turn her head but recoiled when he felt something hot and wet in her hair. He pulled his hand back sharply, his fingers coated in the same dark red blood.

Rion stared at his own hand, overcome with sudden vertigo. He was lightheaded, dizzy, and his vision danced. A chill went through him, and he stumbled several steps back. The floor felt like it was dropping out from under his feet.

Amber was bleeding. She was bleeding. It was her head. She must have hit it. Was it the first tree when she fell back? Was it…was it something else, from when she fell down the slope? A rock? What…what did that…? How…? How did it happen? How bad was it?

But… No. No, it had to be a mistake or a bad dream or… Amber couldn’t be hurt that bad! Noa hadn’t pushed her that hard! She had slipped! The slope wasn’t even that high up and Noa and Rion had climbed down by themselves. Amber had to be fine. She had to be! She had to be…

“I killed her.”

Rion slowly looked up at Noa, his bloody fingertips still raised. Just like Noa’s hands.

“What?” Rion said, his mind not able to keep up.

Noa was staring down at Amber. He was horrified, trembling, eyes shining with tears.

“I killed her,” Noa said again. “I killed Amber. I killed her. I… Rion… She was worried about me…and I…”

“Sh-she might not be dead,” Rion said. “She might not be… She’s bleeding, but… We don’t know… It might not be that bad.”

But Rion didn’t want to check and see. He didn’t want to look at any more blood. The thought alone made him nauseous and dizzy.

What if it was really bad? What if…? What if there was all this blood, and Amber…? What if he turned her head and saw…?

No. He didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t.

“She’s not moving,” Noa said, tears slipping down his cheeks. “Rion… She’s dead.”

“She can’t be,” Rion said. “She… It’s not… No…”

He’d seen people check pulses and do CPR in movies and shows but Rion didn’t know how to do it himself. He didn’t know how to tell if she was alive. Was she breathing? He couldn’t even tell that much. Amber was so still…

Rion had experience with death, but it was different with his mom. He could remember the rain and the thunder, bright flashes of electricity and a sharp, angry crackling and hissing… But he didn’t remember seeing what happened to his mom. Her body… He hadn’t seen it. He didn’t know what a corpse looked like.

Was this what it was like? Was Amber really…?

Noa was wiping shaking hands over his jean jacket, trying to get the blood off. Rion realized his fingers were still wet, the blood starting to feel cold. He should really wipe that off too, like Noa. It was gross. It was creepy. It was making him sick.

“I killed her,” Noa said, repeating it like a mantra while he clenched his fingers tight in his jacket. “I killed her. I killed her.”

Looking down at himself, Noa grimaced and then, almost frantic, started to take off the bloody jacket, struggling to get out of it. He tossed it aside on the floor and then stared at his hands. There was still blood on them.

Rion stumbled over to the kitchen across the way. He scrubbed his hands clean in the sink and then grabbed a cloth, wetting it. He went back to Noa and started helping him clean his hands off. Noa was standing there, letting it happen, his whole body shaking.

“It’s my fault,” Noa said, voice wavering.

“It’s not,” Rion said. “It’s not. She… No…”

But Noa wasn’t listening. He pulled his hands free and turned away from Rion, sliding down to the floor next to the couch. He leaned into it, pressing his face into Amber’s shoulder. His whole body started quivering with little tremors and Rion realized he was crying.

And then Rion was crying too. But he wasn’t quiet like Noa. Rion was overwhelmed by grief and fear and… Soon he was standing there, choking on sobs that shook his whole body. He dropped the wet cloth, hugging himself, digging his own damp fingers into his jacket.

Amber was dead.

Amber was…

“No, no, no, no, no…” Rion choked out. “No! It was an accident. It wasn’t… It wasn’t…”

Rion had seen it. She’d slipped. Noa pushed her but her foot slipped off the edge. It was… It was an accident!

It shouldn’t have even been that bad! Why did she…why did she die? How did she die? How? It was too fast! She was alive and yelling at Noa minutes ago!

And then he was overcome by sudden dread. He stood there, hiccupping and sniffling, the realization sinking in. The horror of the reality…

Everyone was coming here tomorrow. Everyone. They would come and they'd see… They would find out… Amber… And Noa and Rion would be here all night with her until then. They couldn’t… He couldn’t…

Noa was mumbling something against Amber’s shoulder, voice muffled and wavering. Trembling, Rion sank down next to him on the ground, grabbing the sleeve of his shirt.

“Noa…” Rion said.

Noa turned to him, eyes red, tears and snot running down his face. He didn’t even bother sniffling, his whole body still shaking. Rion didn’t know how he could cry that hard and not make a sound.

“I killed her…” Noa said. “Rion… I killed her. I’m… I really am… I’m evil.”

“It was an accident,” Rion said, his voice cracking horribly. His vision swam with a fresh wave of tears. “You’re not… You’re not evil.”

“But I killed Amber,” Noa said. “I killed her. I… I pushed her and she fell.”

“She slipped. It was an accident,” Rion said, gripping him tighter. “Noa… Noa, listen…”

“It’s all my fault. It’s all me. Why…? I didn’t mean to… I didn’t want… Rion, it hurts.”

Noa was curling in on himself, trembling, barely containing his sobs. His chest was spasming in his attempt to hold everything in. Rion put his arms around him, pulling Noa into a tight hug.

He was scared! He was so scared and sad and confused and… Rion didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to fix it.

The others were going to be here tomorrow. They’d be here, and…

What if Noa told them all of this? What if he said he was evil and he…?

No… No! They couldn’t blame Noa! They couldn’t! It wasn’t his fault! He hadn’t done anything wrong! Noa wasn’t evil!

It was an accident! It was an accident! It was an accident!

Rion had to do something! He had to keep Noa safe! No one could know! No one would understand! They would…they would blame Noa and if he talked like that… If he said…

What would they do to Noa? Would he go to jail? How did that work? They were kids.

Rion held Noa tighter.

He couldn’t lose his best friend.

“I… I’ll… I’ll make it better,” Rion said. “I’ll fix it. It’s not your fault. I’ll… It was an accident.”

“But…but Amber’s…Amber’s dead…” Noa said. “Amber… Rion, you can’t fix this…”

Rion forcefully pulled himself away. His mind was racing but he had to think of something. He had to do something. He had to fix it. He had to fix it somehow and…how…?

And then, the most horrible idea came to him.

It was awful. It was vile. This was the kind of thing that was really, truly evil. This was… He couldn’t…

But…but if he did…then…

If people asked, he could keep saying it was an accident. It was a mistake. And if…if someone found out he did it…he could take the blame. He could say he did it. He could say it was all his fault. He could…

He could say a lot of things. He could lie. Lying was easy if it was for Noa.

“Stay…stay here,” Rion sniffled, standing up.

What to do first? Go to the bathroom? He’d have to run the bath. But Amber… He needed to move her. He’d have to… How could he get her to the bathroom by himself?

Could he do it by himself?

Rion was shaking so badly as he looked around, trying to judge the distance. The bathroom didn’t seem that far away. He could probably…

A towel. That would work.

Rion stumbled to the bathroom, grabbing one of the towels. He came back and Noa was still trembling on the floor. Rion put the towel down next to him and reached out, grabbing hold of Amber’s arm.

It was still warm. Rion’s skin crawled and he jerked too hard, with too much force.

But it worked. He pulled Amber off the couch and she slumped down, tumbling onto the towel with a dull thump. A dark red smear was left behind on the couch cushion.

Rion shuddered, breathing too hard. His throat hurt.

“Wh-what are you…what are you doing?” Noa said.

“Stay here,” was all Rion could say, repeating himself. “Stay.”

The floors were wood and smooth, allowing Rion to drag Amber on the towel. It was still so hard to do. She was really, really heavy. He couldn’t look at her and his vision was swimming. He felt like he was going to be sick.

Bathroom. He needed to get her into the bathroom.

He slid her along the floor, dragging her with the towel. It was too slow, it took too long, but he managed to get her inside, past the door. He had to let go so he could pull the shower curtain away from the tub.

And then he stood there, shaking so hard. His hand twisted in the shower curtain, crinkling it. He felt like it was going to tear in his grip. He was breathing hard, raged, dizziness making his vision swim.

He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t.

He had to.

Rion closed his eyes as he reached for Amber, pulling her up by the arms again.

Getting her into the bathtub was the hardest part. He wanted to be gentle, but she was too heavy. Rion struggled, constantly worrying about hurting her as he lifted, pushed, shoved, and heaved. There was nothing graceful about fighting her body into the tub. He worried about her, squinting away tears as he tried to arrange her better, make sure she was sitting okay and that…that she wasn’t in an uncomfortable position.

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and scrambled to put the plug in the tub near Amber’s feet. He turned on the water and felt the temperature, making sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold.

She was dead. He knew that. She couldn’t feel anything. But he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. He didn’t want…

Rion leaned against the side of the tub, listening to the rush of water, tears streaking his cheeks. He hated this. He hated every second. But what else could he do? What else could he…? Rion knew he had to protect Noa, and this was the only thing he could think of.

He had to do it. There was no one else. It was all up to Rion.

He turned the water off when it was half-full. Amber’s head was lolled back, her hair still covering her face. Rion was glad because he didn’t want to see… It would be a lot harder if he had to look her in the eye.

He closed the door to the bathroom. He was shaking too hard, breathing too hard. Everything was spinning.

When he went to get the blow dryer from under the sink, his hands were trembling and barely able to hold it.  He dropped it twice. It took three tries to plug it into the outlet.

Rion wanted to laugh out of sick desperation, but he couldn’t.

The blow dryer roared to life in hands. It was too loud, too sudden, too heavy. Rion gripped it as tight as he could, turning to the bathtub.

He shook, panting, trying to avoid looking at Amber. He couldn’t look at her. He just had to…

All he had to do was drop the blow dryer. He’d been warned so many times about bathtubs and appliances. He’d always been terrified of electricity because of what happened to his mom. He’d always listened to the warnings.

Danger. Bad. Electrocution.

All he had to do was let go, but the blow dryer felt glued to his hands.

He thought of his mom, getting out of the car in the rain. He thought of that horrible, horrible sound, that electrical crackling. It buzzed in his ears, loud as the blow dryer.

There was a stabbing pain in his chest. His teeth were chattering, his whole body was shaking. The blow dryer roared in his trembling hands.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Let go!

Rion closed his eyes tight. Gritting his teeth, he dropped the blow dryer.