Sarina did a lot of thinking over the weekend.

After her conversation with Celeste, she felt guilty. She didn’t want to feel guilty, just like she didn’t want to admit that she’d done anything wrong. But…

She’d overheard the phone call with Peter. Rion had gone out to the lake and hung around the dock after she told him to take a long walk off a short pier.

Of course that wasn’t what she meant! Sarina had just been talking shit! It wasn’t serious and no one should even be thinking that she would want…want Rion to actually… She didn’t want him dead!

But she couldn’t even pin the blame on Rion. She wanted to say that he’d done it on purpose to be dramatic and make her look like an asshole. It wasn’t like he’d actually jumped in the lake, right? But from the sound of it, Jesse had found Rion out there by chance. Rion would’ve had to bike all the way to the lake and that was a lotof effort just to make her look bad…

It made her uncomfortable. The thought that she could say something to Rion and he might take her seriously and hurt himself… She’d never considered it. It didn’t seem like something he’d do. And even though she wanted to dismiss it, it ate away at her insides.

What if she told him to jump off a bridge and he did? Or if she told him to go play in traffic? Yeah, sure, there was an implication there – a suggestion to commit suicide – but who would say that and actually mean it? Only an absolute psycho and that was not who Sarina was.

Even if Rion hurt himself to make her look bad, that…that really wasn’t cool. Because if something happened to him and her name was written all over it, there was no taking anything back. It’d be the ultimate way for Rion to guilt her forever. And…

Sarina didn’t like Rion. She was convinced he was an asshole. But even if she didn’t like him, she didn’t want him dead. She didn’t want him to even think about killing himself. She didn’t want it to be her fault that he did something because…

Sarina wasn’t the bad guy here. She really wasn’t! She couldn’t be…

She spent a long time mulling it over. She distanced herself from her friends, even from Monique, trying to sort out her thoughts and figure out what to do. And, as much as she didn’t like it, she ended up coming to a disappointing conclusion.

She needed to apologize to Rion.

It wasn’t that Sarina was wrong! It was just that…she had gone too far. And if Rion was doing risky shit because of her, then maybe she needed to back off. She wasn’t about to be his friend or anything like that, but…

If she said sorry, maybe they could both go their separate ways and Rion could sort out his shit? Let him be his own problem. Then she could hang out with her friends again and they could do fun stuff.  Monique would finally stop calling her boring.

So, she decided to do it on Monday.

Rion was late to school. Sarina waited for him at the front doors and when he finally arrived and spotted her, he grimaced and his whole body slumped. He looked tired and burnt out which was a little weird, considering nothing should have happened over the weekend. He usually only looked like that the next day after Sarina and her friends had a go at him.

Then again, Celeste said that Eric and Kyle were doing shit when she wasn’t around. Had they gone after him this weekend? Maybe she should have a serious talk with those two shitheads…

“What do you want?” Rion said, coming to stop when she took a step towards him.

“To talk,” she said. “Come on. Step aside with me for a second.”

“Not like I have a choice…” he grumbled. “Fine. Whatever.”

Sarina pulled Rion off to the side, out around the side of the school building. They stood near some bushes where there weren’t any people around. Rion kept a couple meters between them and didn’t let her stand between him and the school.

Sarina felt surprisingly anxious. She didn’t expect any of this to bother her but for some reason it did. She had to take a breath, steadying herself. She wished she had a cigarette.

It would be fine. It was just Rion. What did she have to be scared of?

“So,” Sarina said, putting her hands in her pockets. Her breath puffed out in front of her in the crisp, frosty air. “Listen. A lot of shit’s been happening lately, and…you know…I guess I owe you an apology.”

She puffed up, waiting for him to react. She expected a shocked exclamation or maybe even a smile or some sign of relief. Instead, Rion just stared at her.

“Okay,” he said, voice flat.

“Oooookay…?” she repeated, drawing the word out. “Yeah. Um, sure. Okay. So, I’m sorry and, you know… We’re not cool now but, like…we’re cool.”

Rion was still staring at her. It was like he expected something from her. She shifted in discomfort.

“So, yeah,” she continued. “Um… Do I need to say something else? I know I was kind of a dick to you, but… Can we move on and just ignore each other or whatever?”

Rion looked around, glancing back over his shoulder. Then he turned back to Sarina, glaring at her.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m apologizing to you. What does it look like I’m doing?” she said.

“No, like… What is this?” Rion said, holding out his hands. “Eric and Kyle aren’t jumping out from anywhere. Are you trying to make me late for class? I don’t have time for this.”

“Uh, excuse you,” she huffed. “I told you what I’m doing. I’m apologizing.”

“No, you’re not,” he said.

Sarina sputtered. “Wh-what do you mean, I’m not? Yes, I am!”

“You’re not sorry. Why would you be sorry?”

“Because I was kind of a dick to you!”

“Oh, yeah, kind of?” Rion said, rolling his eyes. “If that’s all you wanted to say, I’m going inside. It’s fucking cold out here.”

“No!” Sarina said, darting in front of him, holding her arms out to stop him. “I’m apologizing to you here! Shouldn’t you be a little more grateful? Shouldn’t you be like, ‘Hey. Cool. Apology accepted!’ or something? Come on!”

Rion’s lip curled. “Fuck you, Sarina. Get out of my way.”

“Here I am trying to be nice and you’re acting like a fucking dick!” she snapped. “This is why I don’t like you! You’re such an asshole!”

“Whatever,” he said.

He took a step forward and swatted her arm away.

Sarina wanted to grab at him, swing him around, and hit him. She really, really wanted to. His reaction frustrated her, made her want to lash out. Who the hell was he, trying to brush her off like that?

But she came here to apologize. She remembered everything Celeste said and what she’d heard over the phone.

Sarina had to be the better person. She’d look like a dick if she apologized to Rion and then immediately beat him up. Monique would probably laugh at her again once she found out.

“Well, fuck you too then!” she said, flipping him the bird instead. “Guess I was wasting my breath. I should have known better. You’re just an ungrateful little shit.”

Rion took a couple steps and then stopped. He turned, snarling at her.

“Fuck you, Sarina. Just fuck you,” he snapped. “I don’t want your bullshit ‘apologies’. I don’t want anything to fucking do with you. If you were actually fucking sorry, you would leave me the fuck alone! That’s all I want. If I never saw your face again, it would be way too fucking soon! Fuck off! Please!”

He didn’t wait for her to answer. He turned around and sprinted back to the school. Like a coward.

Sarina scowled bitterly, stuffing her hands back in her pockets.

Normally, she would’ve been pissed. And she was…kind of. There was a knot of frustration buried in the pit of her stomach.

Any other day, she would have wanted to chase after Rion and give him hell. She might have even gone to Eric and complained about Rion being a jerk again. Or Jolie. They would push Rion in the hallways and harass him to get back at him.

But she didn’t feel like that. Not now. She wasn’t justified or angry.

Sarina just felt unhappy and gross. She was unsatisfied, frustrated, and it didn’t make sense. She’d never felt that way before. Why now?

She let out a huff, scuffing her feet in the dirt until she was ready to head back into the school.