Getting back to the Murphys’ wasn’t easy.

First, they needed to get back into the truck. They couldn’t do that until Noa calmed down. Peter had to stick by Noa, talking to him, trying to get him to work through his episode. It took around twenty minutes. And they were a painful twenty minutes.

Rion felt horrible the whole time. He wanted to help but he didn’t know what to do. Whenever this sort of thing happened to him, Rion was forced to wait it out. That wouldn’t help Noa.

With Peter’s encouragement, Noa eventually calmed down enough to get in the truck. He took the middle seat with Peter and Rion on either side of him again. He clearly wasn’t okay and he’d stopped talking or doing…anything. The only reaction he had was to lean into Rion halfway back to Misty Meadows, pressing their shoulders together.

Rion leaned back into Noa, reciprocating the gesture. He wanted to comfort him but he didn’t know how. Should he hold his hand again…? But, no, he couldn’t. Noa’s hands were pulled up in his sleeves and curled in his lap. Rion didn’t want to say anything in case he upset Noa again, or… He didn’t want to bring up the wrong thing with everyone in the truck together.

When they finally arrived, pulling up at the Murphys’ house, Danny and Celeste were already there, waiting outside. The two of them must have been worried since they came to greet them as they got out of the truck.

Rion got out on one side while Peter got out the other. Peter turned to help Noa, but Noa turned away from him, following Rion instead. Rion offered him a hand but he ignored it. Noa crossed his arms, kept his head down, and walked to the house. Peter quickly hurried to follow him.

“Hey,” Danny said, watching Noa go. “Is everything okay? What happened?”

“Noa insisted we go out to see the cabin and he had a breakdown,” Jesse explained.

“Oh no…” Celeste said, concern written all over her features. “Is he… Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“I hope so,” Jesse said. “I think we might have to cancel our plans, though…”

Rion stood there, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket while the others talked. He didn’t want to join in their conversation. He felt tired and gross and he didn’t want to be here anymore. Especially now that Noa was gone.

He could still smell smoke. It was stuck in his lungs and he couldn’t get the taste out of his mouth. He hoped it was just a lingering bad memory. He hoped it stayed that way. He didn’t want to break down like Noa. He didn’t want anyone to see him like that.

He knew how everyone talked about Noa, like he was a broken mess. They pitied him. Rion didn’t want pity.

“Rion?”

It was Jesse who spoke. He was looking at Rion, expression concerned. They were all staring at him. He must have zoned out again.

“Sorry,” he said, mouth dry. His throat felt like sandpaper. “I don’t… I should go home.”

“You’re really pale,” Danny said. “Are you feeling okay?”

Rion wanted to say yes and wave them off. But he couldn’t. The words were trapped in his throat.

He felt like he was going to be sick. He was suddenly too hot, sweating out of nowhere. His legs became weak and unsteady. He was lightheaded and dizzy and… This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.

No, no, no, no, no…

He tried to shake his head and then sucked in a breath, too hard and too sharp.

“I don’t feel good,” he said.

“Maybe you should sit down,” Celeste told him. She looked worried. They all did. “Maybe… Just… You can probably, um…”

Celeste’s words were enough. Rion needed to sit. His legs weren't going to support him for much longer. He didn’t even bother trying to find somewhere to sit down. He put out a sweaty hand, bracing himself against the truck and slid against it, dropping right down in place on the gravel.

It hit him all at once, like the crash of a wave. His heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest and he was shaking. The fierce, blinding fear stabbed at him. It came on hard and fast with barely any warning.

Rion knew he was a mess, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, closing his eyes tight and breathing raggedly through his nose. His heart was pounding so hard and so fast that he could have sworn he was having a heart attack. There was a throbbing in his chest, in his head, in his limbs… It hurt.

He should’ve seen this coming. He should’ve paid more attention to the signs. He should’ve…

Rion curled into a ball, shaking, sweating, trembling, wishing he could shut everything out.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want it. He wanted it to stop…

He could hear the others talking, but he couldn’t make sense of what they were saying, the words a jumbled slurry. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move. He felt trapped, terrified.

Rion jolted when someone put a hand on his shoulder. He wanted to thrash free, to bat the hand away, but his limbs felt like lead. His body didn’t listen to him. He was frozen in place, unable to escape.

Rion peeked through narrowed eyes, teeth chattering, and found Peter down on the ground next to him. His expression was intense but focused.

“Rion, can you hear me?” Peter said.

His voice was steady, calm despite everything. Rion tried to nod but he was shaking so bad, he wasn’t sure Peter understood. Still, Peter gave him something to focus on. He fought to center himself but it wasn’t working.

He wanted to tell Peter to stop touching him. He hated it.

“I need you to try something for me. It’s going to be hard but it’s important, okay?” Peter said. He pulled his hand away, giving Rion the tiniest bit of relief. “I’m going to count to four and I want you to breathe in deep and slow. Think you can do that for me?”

Rion tried to nod again, tried to take deeper breaths.

“Okay. That’s great. Ready? I’m going to start. One…two…three…four…”

Rion’s breath was shaky, but he managed to keep up with Peter, doing everything he could to focus. Even though he was breathing slowly, it felt like pins and needles going through him.

“Hold that breath! One…two…three…four…”

Rion held it. He closed his eyes again, hugging his knees, his fingers digging into his jeans.

“And let that breath out slow. One…two…three…four…”

Rion let his breath out. It eased some of the tension in his chest, but his heart still felt like it was going to implode. It couldn’t be good for it to beat that hard, right?

“That was great, Rion. I know it’s really hard, but we need to try again, okay? It should help you calm down. So, one more time. I’ll count for you again.”

They did it again and again and again. Rion wasn’t sure how many times Peter guided him through breathing, but they did it until Rion started to feel more like himself, until his breathing was steadier.

Rion wasn’t sure if the breathing thing was helping him or if it was just Peter being right there, talking to him and encouraging him, giving him something to latch onto. Either way, he started to feel more himself. It was slow but it was working.

He was still a mess, though. He felt like he’d run a marathon, his whole body weak and shaky, sweat beaded on his brow. He was disgusting and clammy.

And he was more than embarrassed. He was frustrated at his lack of control, angry with himself for reacting to absolutely nothing, disgusted that anyone had seen him break down.

He’d lost it in front of everyone right after Noa had… He must look crazy. What if they thought he was just attention seeking or…or…

He was a freak. He was crazy. Nothing was even happening and he was having a fucking meltdown in front of everyone. Why couldn’t he just stop and be normal? Why couldn’t he stop embarrassing himself? He was so fucking stupid.

“How are you doing?” Peter asked. “Any better?”

“I… I don’t know,” Rion said, unable to meet his gaze. He was humiliated, ashamed. “I don’t feel good…”

“Is your dad going to be home tonight?” Peter asked.

Rion hesitated. If he’d been okay, he might have lied and said yes. But he couldn’t. Not right now. Not feeling like this. He shook his head.

“Okay…” Peter said, taking a deep breath. “Rion, will you please sleep over? I know that you might not want to, but I’m going to be really, really worried about you if I send you home. I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Please, please stay. For my sake.”

Rion didn’t want to. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this.  He didn’t want anyone looking at him.  It was embarrassing. He wanted to find some place to hide.

But he didn’t want to go home to his empty house either. Most of the time he felt safe and comfortable there, but right now? He already knew that the silence and emptiness of the house would probably make him freak out all over again. And it would be ten million times worse.

He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, but he didn’t want to be alone either.

“Can I…” he started and then had to clear his throat, “Can I think about it?”

“Yes,” Peter said. “Do you want to come in and have something to drink?”

“Okay,” Rion said.

He spared a glance up. The only other person there was Danny, who was hovering nearby. The others must have gone inside or left. Rion hadn’t even noticed.

He pushed himself up. His legs were weak, barely supporting him. He had to lean on the truck for a minute, breathing, trying to steady himself. His heart was still thumping hard in his chest. Peter raised a hand, ready to help support him, but he let Rion try to do it on his own.

And then Danny was there, right by his side. He practically bolted over.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You really scared us! You just dropped down, and… Can you walk? Are you going to be all right?”

“Just give him a second, Danny,” Peter said. “He’s going to be okay. He just had a panic attack.”

“Panic attack?” Rion repeated.

“That’s what it looked like to me,” Peter said.

On some level, he knew what it was called. It wasn’t like he’d never heard of them. But he’d never thought of those awful, hellish, heart-attack moments as ‘panic attacks’. He’d had all of this happen to him before, usually at home by himself, but… He’d never really tried to identify what it was.

Rion wasn’t like Noa, who was seeing a psychiatrist. He was just some guy. There was stuff wrong with him, but… Did that make it a condition? Panic attacks… Did that mean something was really wrong with him? Like, more wrong than he’d thought?

“I’m not a doctor and I could be wrong,” Peter continued. “I’m used to helping Noa with his panic attacks, like before. You saw me talk to him just now at the lake.”

“You didn’t do the…the breathing thing,” Rion said.

He tried to remember exactly what Peter had done. He’d given Noa some kind of instruction too, but Rion had barely been paying attention. He’d been too anxious standing so close to where the cabin used to be. He’d felt useless and paced around, trying to work off his nervous energy. He didn’t remember…

“Noa doesn’t handle breathing techniques well. They make him gag,” Peter said. “You seem to be doing a lot better now. That’s good. You should come in and sit down.”

“Yeah, but, like…I’m seriously worried,” Danny spoke up. He looked like he could barely contain himself. “Rion, you really freaked me out there.”

“Sorry…” Rion said. “I… Sorry.”

Danny shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re my friend and I care about you.”

Without any other warning, he pulled Rion into a hug. Peter said something quickly about not overwhelming him, but Rion didn’t care. He hugged Danny right back.

And all of a sudden, he wanted to cry. He closed his eyes tight, remembering back to Amber’s funeral, when Danny last hugged him like this. It had meant everything to him at the time and somehow this felt the same. It was messing him up.

“Thanks, Danny,” he said, still clutching at him, voice wavering.

“Don’t mention it,” Danny said into his shoulder. “I’m here for you, okay?”

Rion pressed his lips together as hard as he could, giving a small, stiff nod. He felt Danny start to pull away and, not wanting to linger, he withdrew, blinking rapidly.

“I think I need to sit down,” Rion said. “I just… I need… Yeah.”

“I think so too,” Danny said. “Come on. You should really have something to drink. Peter, what do you guys have? Something hot, maybe?”

“We have hot chocolate, tea, coffee…” Peter began.

“Hot chocolate,” Rion said. It was the tastiest, most comforting drink he could think of. “If that’s okay.”

“It’s more than okay,” Peter said. “Come on. The others are inside. Let’s go and get you comfortable. Take it easy.”

They headed in together, Peter and Danny sticking close to him. When they walked in, Noa was there, waiting in the entranceway.

Rion didn’t expect to see him. He assumed Noa would have gone running to his room. That’s what Rion would have done…

No, actually… Rion wouldn’t have gone to his room. He would have hidden away in his dad’s room. He would have buried himself in the comforter on the bed and inhaled the faint but familiar scent of his dad. That usually made him feel a little better…

It was probably a weird thing to do. Rion could only imagine what Sarina would say. She’d probably call him creepy and gross.

Maybe she was right about everything.

“Are you okay?” Noa asked him.

Noa looked like how Rion felt: pale, shaky, and tired. Rion should be asking Noa that, not the other way around.

“I’m fine,” he said reflexively.

“No, you’re not,” Danny said as he came up behind him, followed by Peter. “You just collapsed outside.”

“I… I just sat down, and… I didn’t collapse,” Rion said.

Now that he was feeling a little more himself, the embarrassment was growing, getting stronger every second. It ate at his insides. He didn’t want the others to see him like this. He didn’t want them to look at him. He didn’t want them to know… But they already did. Everyone had seen.

Noa’s expression hardened. He grabbed hold of Rion’s arm.

“We should go to my room,” he said.

“I think it would be better if he sat downstairs for a bit first,” Peter interjected. “He should take a minute–”

“Let him decide,” Noa snapped.

Rion would have been surprised at Noa’s sharp tone, but he was more concerned about something else. Noa’s room was upstairs. The thought of going up there…

“Upstairs… I just… I can’t…” Rion said, struggling with his words.

He was fine to go to Noa’s room and talk to him alone. But he didn’t want to go anywhere near the door to Amber’s room. The thought alone left a sharp prickling in his chest. He couldn’t do it. Not now.

“Okay,” Noa said, seeming to understand even though he barely said anything. Rion was relieved. “I know somewhere we can go. Follow me.”

He gave Rion’s arm a gentle tug, trying to lead him towards the living room. Rion allowed himself to be guided, stepping forward.

They passed through the living room. Jesse, Travis, Celeste, and Mr. Murphy were there.

“Hey,” Jesse said right away. “Everything okay?”

Noa didn’t answer and Rion’s words wouldn’t come to him. He didn’t want to look at them, afraid that he would see pity in their eyes.

They ignored Jesse and the others and kept walking, through the kitchen, down the back hallway, until they reached the laundry room.

“Go away,” Noa said to Peter, who had followed them all the way there.

“What are you doing? Why are you going into the laundry room?” Peter asked.

He sounded insistent. Rion was worried he wouldn’t leave…

“We’re talking. Come back later,” Noa said before closing the laundry room door in Peter’s face.

Peter didn’t try to get in. They stood there, listening until his steps faded back down the hall. Rion was surprised that worked. Then again, they probably wouldn’t be left alone forever…

Now, it was just the two of them. Just Noa and Rion.

Rion’s mind went blank. He didn’t know what to do or say. He looked down, clenching and unclenching his hands. They were tingling. So were his legs.

Noa turned to a shelf of clean linen. He grabbed a thick, folded blanket and used it to cover Rion, pulling it firmly around him, almost tucking him in where he stood.

“Sit,” Noa told him before dropping to the ground.

Rion hesitated but only for a second. His body was telling him that Noa was right. His legs were still weak and he felt like he needed to be small and burrow into the blanket. He sat down in front of Noa on the cool floor, tugging the blanket closer.

“Are you okay?” Noa asked again.

“Are you?” Rion said.

Noa didn’t look okay. He looked run down and exhausted. Now that they were sitting and Rion was focused on him, he noticed that Noa was shivering occasionally. He didn’t know if it was because the laundry room was cold or if it had something to do with before, from being at the lake.

“No,” Noa said. “I’m not okay.”

“Me neither,” Rion said, looking down.

They were both quiet for a while. And maybe that was what they both needed. Rion felt warm, curled up in the blanket. And he didn’t have anyone staring at him or judging him. He felt like he could finally breathe easier now that it was just the two of them in a small room.

“Rion,” Noa finally said, “I meant what I said at the lake. Stop protecting me.”

Rion swallowed hard, feeling stung, hurt. He didn’t want to agree to that. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk about that again. Why did Noa have to bring it up…

“Noa, I care about you,” Rion said. He really, really meant it. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You never did anything wrong…”

“You need to think about yourself first,” Noa said. His voice was steady but when he inhaled, it was shaky and rough. “You… They were saying you had a panic attack outside just now, and… Those are awful, Rion. I hate them. You need to worry about yourself. I care about you too, and…and I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I…”

Rion’s voice caught. It was so good – so good – to hear that Noa cared. He had to let the feeling wash over him before he could say anything else.

“That…that makes me really happy,” Rion said, “but I don’t care what happens to me.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. I don’t care. As long as you’re safe and happy–”

“How can I be happy when you don’t care what happens to you?”

“Because you don’t need me,” Rion said, his eyes stinging. He hated to say it, but it was true. “You haven’t needed me for years. This whole time, I’ve been… I’ve been trying to make sure that no one found out about the friendship bracelets. And things were good! The Murphys have been taking care of you and you’re seeing a good psychiatrist. Me… I’m just a loose end, a bad memory.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that!” Noa said fiercely. Somehow, it made him sound even more tired and strained. “Don’t! You’re my best friend! Of course I need you! I told you to go away because I was scared I would hurt you again. I was scared I would lose you like…like Amber… And if something happened to you, then… If… I just can’t.”

Rion didn’t know what to say to that. They lapsed into silence again, though they were both breathing sharply, emotions running high. It made Rion even more exhausted.

“You’re not a bad memory,” Noa added when Rion didn’t say anything. “You’re my best memory.”

Rion swallowed hard. “I could say the same thing about you. I want to help you. I want… It’s all I have left.”

He didn’t know how else to say it. His desire to protect Noa was the only thread stitching him together. If he gave that up, he had nothing.

Rion gave up everything for Noa. He gave up his friends. He gave up any reputation that he had. He gave up going out. He gave up on having a normal life and being happy. He didn’t have anything else left. There was nothing.

“The others know about the bracelets now. You have them,” Noa said.

“No, I don’t. Not really,” Rion said bitterly. “The way they reacted to the friendship bracelets back then… How do you think they’d feel if they knew the real truth? About Amber?”

“They’d hate me,” Noa said. “They’d hate you.”

“So I don’t really have them, do I?” Rion said. “It’s all fake. It’s all a lie. What we went through… No one else can ever understand. I… You might not need me, but I need you.”

“You’re better off without me.”

“I’m really, really not.”

“You had a panic attack because of me.”

“No, I didn’t,” Rion said. “I freaked out because we never should have gone to the cabin.”

“I was the one that made us go there,” Noa said.

“Stop it,” Rion said. “Just stop it.”

The air between them grew heavy. Rion closed his eyes and tried to breathe deep and even. It was hard. He wanted to curl up and cry.

“Noa… I don’t want to fight with you,” Rion said. “I really don’t want to. The others are waiting on us, and… I don’t feel good. You probably don’t feel good either. Can’t we just… Can’t we go hang out with the others and just… Can’t we be happy for a little bit? Can’t we have one good night?”

Noa was looking down, his expression still and somber.

“I’m tired,” Noa said and then reached up to scrub his face. “I feel gross. I swore I heard… At the cabin… I thought I heard…that electric screaming…”

Rion felt nauseous. Just having Noa bring that up made the sound ring in his ears. He grimaced, looking down.

“I’ve heard that too,” he said, just barely above a whisper. “Not today, but… Yeah.”

“It was awful. It was like I was there again. It was so bad. I hate it.”

“I know… I know. Me too.”

After another heavy silence, Rion shuffled closer. He flopped part of his blanket over Noa.

“Can I hug you and say sorry?” Rion asked.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Noa said.

“I want to apologize for arguing with you.”

“Only if I can say sorry for arguing with you.”

“Okay.”

Noa held out his arms and Rion pulled him in, drawing Noa into the warmth of the blanket. He held him tight. Noa squeezed him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Noa gave him another squeeze and Rion squeezed him back. It didn’t make him feel better since their argument wasn’t over, but they both needed a break. Neither one of them could handle this right now.