Danny didn’t know that emotional pain could feel tangible and physical. Not until Amber died. Not until the day of her funeral.

Danny had heard people talk about heartache before, usually when talking about couples breaking up. He thought it was just a saying, just metaphorical. Being heartbroken, having heartache – it sounded like it just meant that you felt really sad.

But the only word he had for the pain in his chest was heartache. What else could he call it? His heart was literally aching, squeezed tight, a painful lump inside him. The pain in his chest persisted alongside the sick, agonizing sadness that lasted throughout the day.

The funeral itself was beautiful.

Despite being late September, all the trees bare of leaves, the weather was dry and warm. The sun was out in full strength, shining bright, and there was a hint of a breeze in the air.

So many people came to pay respects. The whole town was there. The church had been packed during service and some people were even forced to stand outside. The graveyard had been full of people too. And everyone cried and shared tissues and…

Danny was lost.

The funeral washed over him. He knew he should be paying attention, but he couldn’t focus. His mind was everywhere at once.

He was afraid to look up and risk seeing a familiar face. He’d caught glimpses of people in the crowd and after spotting Jesse, who was painful to look at, Danny turned his gaze down.

There was so much needless driving around town. He was packed in the van with his entire family, somber and silent, no one saying anything other than a few odd comments. It was awkward from the drive to the graveyard, back into town, and then to the get-together at the town hall after.

Danny took the first opportunity he could to get away from his parents and brothers. There were refreshments and he was almost forced into the line by the flow of the crowd. He grabbed a juice and a cookie and then looked for a place outside, away from everyone else. He felt overwhelmed and he didn’t want to be around anyone else.

Danny was sad that Amber died. He missed her. It didn’t feel real that she was gone. And everything was happening so fast. Not even a month ago they were all supposed to hang out. It felt so wrong to have her funeral, and…

He was sad that he was moving away. He didn’t want to leave, he hadn’t to begin with, but now that Amber was dead? How was he supposed to finish packing his things and leave? Everything was happening here in Misty Meadows and this was where his friends were. He wanted to stay. He should be staying…

But he didn’t have a say in it. The move was already decided, the decision made before Amber even died. The old house was sold, the new house was bought.

Danny hated it.

Everything was wrong. It was like being in a nightmare except he couldn’t wake up. He wanted things to go back to normal and be good and happy like they used to.

Danny avoided everyone as he tried to find a place to sit. Celeste and her family, Sarina, Monique… He saw Mr. and Mrs. Warren and quickly looked away. He didn’t want his heart to do another painful lurch in his chest the way it had when he saw Jesse in tears, shaking, and–

There was a crowd around the Murphys making them easy to avoid. Danny had only gotten a glimpse, but they looked to be doing about as bad as Jesse.

Noa was the only one who wasn’t crying. His head was bowed, his shoulders slumped. He looked defeated. He was paler than normal, ashen, and he moved along with the Murphys like some kind of zombie.

Danny went to the edge of all the crowds, to the line of trees and bushes next to the hall. And that was where he found Rion, sitting by himself, knees hugged to his chest in the shade of a pine tree.

Danny hesitated. He didn’t want to hang out with anyone. He wanted to be on his own. But this was the only quiet spot he could find without going out of his way. Then again, Rion didn’t look like he wanted company either. So maybe it was fine? They could be alone together.

He shuffled over and sat down next to Rion, keeping a foot or two of distance between them. Rion didn’t say anything so Danny didn’t either. They sat together in silence.

Danny could see the whole gathering from here. Most people were standing outside, talking to each other. From here, there were a swarm of black figures. He tried not to focus on the other mourners, taking a small sip of his drink. It tasted like watered down SunnyD.

He wondered when this would be done and they could go home. It felt wrong to come here when they were moving away. Would his family even stay friends with everyone after the move? Would they call and write letters?

That would feel kind of wrong too, wouldn’t it? Who would he write to? What would he say? Danny couldn’t exactly write to Sarina and be like, ‘Hi! So, the city’s really cool! How have you been?’ Everything was so painful, and…

What was he supposed to do? He had no choice about moving and now he was going to have to change schools… Danny didn’t like that either. Was he going to have to make new friends? Did he want new friends? Danny liked it here with the people he knew. He didn’t want to leave and go somewhere totally unfamiliar with a bunch of strangers.

And Amber… She was gone. Even if he stayed, things wouldn’t be the same without her. Everything would change and it… It was all so wrong.

“…I’m sorry…”

Danny jolted hard enough to nearly spill his drink. Rion’s voice was small, barely above a whisper, but it startled him.

Danny turned to Rion and now that he was paying attention, he realized that Rion was crying. There were tears streaking his cheeks and his face was all splotchy. He looked almost as bad as Jesse, which was saying something.

Danny didn’t know if Rion was talking to him or talking aloud, but he blurted out, “Why are you sorry?”

Rion’s eyes narrowed in an attempt to hold back more tears, his lips quivering. Danny immediately regretted the question and set down his half-gone drink and uneaten cookie to search his pockets for extra tissues.

“Uh…here,” he said, handing an unopened plastic pack to Rion.

Rion accepted them, pulling the tissues out in a lump and burying his face into them. He scrubbed away his tears and blew his nose.

“Thanks,” Rion said, still clutching the tissues, curling in on himself further. He was a tense, tight, teary-eyed ball.

“No problem,” Danny said.

He wanted to ask if Rion was okay but that was a stupid question. Nothing was okay. Everyone was sad and crying. Danny had cried so much the past couple weeks that he didn’t think he had any tears left in him.

Instead, Danny took his cookie and held it out to Rion. “Want a cookie?”

“No,” Rion said.

“Me neither,” Danny said. “Want to split it then?”

“Why’d you take it if you don’t want it?”

“I don’t know. Felt like I had to, I guess.”

Danny split the cookie in two and offered Rion half. Rion accepted it, still sniffling. And then Danny saw the huge Band-Aid on the back of his hand. It was stained dark red.

“Whoa… Are you okay?” Danny asked. “Did you cut yourself?”

Rion drew his hand in protectively, along with the cookie.

“I… I don’t… It’s nothing,” he said. His breath hitched and he closed his eyes. “It was… It was an accident.”

“It’s bleeding through. Are you sure you’re okay?” Danny said. He’d never seen one of those big ones bleed through like that. It meant that Rion was cut really bad, didn’t it? “Are you sure it’s not that bad? Did you ask your dad?”

“He’s not here,” Rion said. “He had to work. I came with Noa.”

“Did the Murphys see it?” Danny asked. “It looks like it really hurts.”

“It’s fine,” Rion insisted.

Danny didn’t want to push it. Rion looked uncomfortable and if he was saying he was fine…maybe it was okay? But it gave Danny a weird feeling.

Against his better judgement, he decided to drop it. Rion fell silent too. They sat, nibbling on their shared halves of cookie. Even eating half a cookie was a challenge.

Now that they had talked, Danny felt like he had to keep talking. It was stupid, but he couldn’t shut himself up.

“So…why’re you sorry?” Danny asked again, even if it wasn’t about the injury on Rion’s hand. Even if Rion reacted really badly the first time he asked.

Rion was silent for a long time, gazing off at the other mourners. He looked like he was holding back more tears.

“Everything’s my fault,” he finally said in a tiny voice.

“What?” Danny said. “What do you mean?”

Rion looked down. His eyes were glassy and his tears were barely being held back by his eyelashes.

“I… I got into a fight with Noa this morning…” he said, smoothing out the Band-Aid on the back of his hand. “I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Danny said. “And Noa’s probably just upset because… Well, everyone’s upset. It’s normal.”

Or that’s what everyone was saying. ‘It’s normal to be upset.’ ‘It’s normal to be sad.’ And maybe it was normal, but it didn’t feel good at all. It was awful.

“He told me to go away and leave him alone,” Rion said, swallowing hard and looking down, more tears slipping free. He scrubbed at his face with the crumpled tissues. “I…  I’m sorry. Everything’s my fault. I just… I feel so… I don’t want things to be this way. I hate it.”

“Me too,” Danny said. “I hate it too. It’s the worst.”

They fell silent again. Rion was still teary eyed, sniffling, and Danny felt awful.

And then, in a smaller voice, Rion said, “I don’t want you to go either. I don’t want you to move away.”

Danny instantly teared up.

He didn’t expect anyone to be thinking about him. He tried not to cry but his vision was swimming. So much for not having any tears left… He’d given the last of his tissues to Rion so there weren’t any more for him to use.

“Thanks,” Danny said, his voice wavering. “I mean… I mean, I don’t want to leave either, and…and, I… It really, really sucks.”

Rion leaned forward, pulling Danny into a hug. Danny immediately hugged Rion back, holding him tight. And then there was no holding back any of the tears.

The hug was weird and out of the blue, but Danny didn’t care. Rion understood and it was such a relief. Danny was overwhelmed, hanging onto Rion, squeezing him tight while both of them sniffled and hiccupped.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry,” Rion mumbled into his shoulder, hands twisting tight in Danny’s shirt.

“Me too,” Danny said. It felt right.

“I want it to stop. I want… I want everything to go back to normal,” Rion said. “I want to take it all back. I hate this. I hate it.”

Danny squeezed him tight, closing his eyes as hard as he could.

He felt like he should say something. What were people supposed to say when something like this happened anyway? Should he apologize like Rion? Should he say that things would get better?

It didn’t feel like things would ever get better. Everything felt terrible and awful and Rion saying that he hated it… That made a lot more sense to Danny than anything else.

“I hate it too,” Danny said. “I really, really hate all of this.”

He hated that Amber was dead. He hated that everyone was sad. He hated that he was moving away and that everything was going to change. He hated how he had no control over anything.

Everything was horrible.

Danny would’ve kept holding onto Rion, but Rion eventually pulled away. They were both wiping away tears, noses stuffed up. Rion looked even worse than before somehow.

At some point, Danny must have knocked over his Styrofoam cup. His drink was spilt, already soaked up by the dirt.

“Do you…do you think Noa will ever forgive me?” Rion asked, scrubbing his eyes.

“Of course,” Danny said, without hesitation. “You guys are best friends. It’s just one fight. And everything sucks right now. He’s upset. You’re upset. We’re all upset, so…”

“…You’re saying things will get better?” Rion asked.

“No, not better,” Danny said. It didn’t feel like anything would get better ever again. “But… I don’t know. I fight with my family all the time. We’ve been arguing all month. But we say sorry eventually and make up, so… I think Noa will forgive you.”

“I hope so,” Rion said, sniffling, “but I guess I can’t blame him if he wants to hate me…”

“He’d never hate you,” Danny said, sure of that. “Noa’s not like that.”

Danny must have said the right thing because Rion slowly nodded.

“Yeah. You’re right. Noa’s not like that.”

“Do you think I could call you or write?” Danny asked. “I mean, after I move.”

“Yeah,” Rion said. “Sure. But I might not answer… Letters are hard because you need stamps and stuff. I’d need Dad to help. But phoning…that should be okay.”

“Okay,” Danny said, feeling a little better about it. “I’m scared about moving. I don’t want to leave everyone behind.”

Rion gave him a wavering smile. “Danny, you’re so cool… You’ll probably make a ton of new friends and not have time to call.”

“I doubt it,” Danny said. “I don’t want to make new friends.”

“It’s better if you do,” Rion told him. “Otherwise you’ll be lonely in the city by yourself. Being lonely sucks.”

“I’m never lonely. I have too big a family for that,” Danny told him. “But…thanks. I’m just happy I can talk to someone from home… I mean, from Misty Meadows. Maybe I can even come back and visit sometime.”

“I hope so,” Rion said. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“Same here,” Danny said. “Nothing’s going to be the same anymore…”