Noa needed to get away from Peter and clear his mind of all its racing thoughts. So he walked.

The last time Noa had gone for a real walk was years ago on a very different fourth of September. If he closed his eyes, he could remember every detail vividly… But he didn’t want to. He would never want to.

It was hot out and in minutes he felt overwhelmed. His breath came heavier. He started to sweat. There was nothing in sight for miles, save for the open prairie and the sky.

Noa hated it.

“Where are you going?” Danny asked from behind him. “You’re not planning on walking all the way to the lake, are you?”

Noa inwardly shuddered. That was the last place he wanted to be.

“I guess we can walk until we get tired,” Jesse reasoned, keeping up with them. “We can’t make it to the lake on our own. Someone will probably pick us up if we go too far. Travis, maybe.”

No, it wouldn’t be Travis. Noa knew the Murphys would come for him soon. He wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to intervene right now. They could come for him any second.

Noa never should have opened his mouth. He never should have opened the car door.

He should have curled up in the back seat of the car and daydreamed or listened to music. It was better. Safer. He knew that. He just wanted to breathe in some of fresh air, to clear his head a little and maybe watch some bugs crawl along the roadside. He didn’t expect anyone to come over and try to talk.

“Noa? Seriously, are you okay?” Danny asked.

No, he wasn’t. Noa wasn’t okay. Not even a little. The fourth of September was always a terrible day. This year was no different.

Rion told everyone that he cut up his friendship bracelet.

When did it happen? Noa spent almost all his time with his aunt, uncle, and Peter. And Peter never mentioned anything like that.

Then again, why would he tell Noa? They barely talked. Aunt Elaine and Uncle Charlie were the ones who liked to monologue to him.

Rion… Did he really cut up the bracelet that Amber gave him? Would he do that because…? No, had he even done it? Was he lying?

Noa felt sick thinking about it.

This was his fault.

He stopped walking and closed his eyes. He could hear Jesse and Danny stop behind him, but he ignored them. Noa tried taking a few soft, deep breaths. He wanted to think about something else. He needed to free up his mind and relax.

It was impossible, but he had to try.

“Noa?”

“Are you done walking?”

“We can head back if you’re tired.”

Noa tried to tune Danny and Jesse out but it was hard. He gave up on his breathing, opening his eyes. He stared down the road, letting his gaze settle on the distant mirage created by the heat, the long, straight road ahead flickering with an illusion of water.

Noa let his gaze go unfocused, trying to disconnect. He didn’t want to be here right now. He tried to let himself exist, float, distance himself.

But his mind was still active and buzzing. His thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone.

“If you do something bad, does that make you a bad person?” Noa felt himself ask.

He knew he was a bad person. Noa didn’t think it was something he had done but more what he kept on doing. There was no way he could be good.

But what about Rion? He was good. Even if he’d done something wrong, even if it made everyone mad…

“That’s… That’s a really tough question,” Danny said. “It…uh…sounds kinda philosophical to me.”

“That is tough,” Jesse agreed. “I think that you could do something bad and still be good. It should depend on what you did and why you did it and if you planned to do more bad things… Why are you asking?”

Noa couldn’t answer. He couldn’t explain. But Jesse’s words did make him feel a bit better.

“Noa… Is it hard because of what day it is?” Danny asked after Noa didn’t say anything.

Of course. That went without question. It was the anniversary of the worst day of his life.

“It’s okay to be sad,” Jesse added. “I’m sad too. It’s…it’s really hard to lose someone that you love.”

It wasn’t just sadness. It was so much more than that.

Thinking about it made Noa’s right hand tingle unpleasantly, his palm and the underside of his fingers, where his old burn scars were. He flexed his hand, wanting to be rid of the sensation.

“Noa,” Danny said.

He walked around to face Noa, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eye. He blocked Noa’s view of the road and its distant mirage.

“I know you can hear us,” Danny said. “I know you’re listening. So please talk to us. We’re your friends. We want to help.”

Noa’s anger reared up sharply like a familiar, terrible monster.

Friends? His friends? Who was Danny to say that? Wasn’t Danny the one who left Misty Meadows right after Amber’s funeral? Danny who hadn’t called or written? How was Danny his friend? Because they played together as kids?

Noa kept his expression still and blank, but his voice dropped to something soft and low when he spoke.

“Where were you the last six years, Danny?”

Danny recoiled immediately as if stung. He let go of Noa, blinking rapidly, and Noa turned away from him.

“I… I was in the city…” Danny said. “We had to move. We had to… My parents… Don’t you remember? I mean, I… I tried to call and stuff but… I was busy with school and…”

Excuses. Only excuses.

Noa refused to look at or acknowledge Danny. Because he was so angry and bitter. He desperately wanted to lash out at something – anything. But he couldn’t.

Lashing out was wrong. It was bad. It was horrible. It would hurt someone. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t. Never.

Noa started walking back. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t walk forever down the shoulder of the road. Danny and Jesse continued to follow him. They were talking to each other in low voices, but Noa could still hear them.

“Did I screw up?” Danny asked. “Am I an asshole?”

“No,” Jesse reassured him. “No, you’re not. You couldn’t help that you had to move away.”

“But I could’ve worked harder at staying in touch…”

“Danny, you moved when you were thirteen. Keeping in contact, calling and writing – those are things that any thirteen-year-old would struggle to keep up with. And when you left, we had just lost Amber… There was a lot going on. It’s not your fault.”

“I don’t know. Maybe… I could’ve done more.”

“Listen, you’re here now and that’s what matters, right? Besides, communication is a two-way street. We didn’t hear from you, but did you hear from us? If you’re wrong for not staying in contact, then so are the rest of us.”

“I guess…”

Noa hadn’t realized how far he’d walked. He was starting to get closer to the cars now, but he felt exhausted. He could see Peter waiting for them, alongside Travis. Noa looked for the others and found them still in the graveyard. He could see his aunt and uncle heading back to the cars with Sarina and Celeste.

There was still one person left behind, a lone figure standing over Amber’s grave. A girl with long, dark brown hair, hands clasped behind her back–

Noa stopped abruptly, eyes growing wide before he shut them tight. Noa clenched his hands into fists, trying to take deep breaths but instead they came out shallow and rapid. His heart began pounding in his chest with a sharpness that physically hurt, the blood thundering in his ears.

No. No, no, no, no! This couldn’t be happening! Not here and now!

“Noa? Why’d you stop?”

“Are you okay? Hey–”

Danny and Jesse were talking to him. He couldn’t have responded even if he wanted to. He didn’t want to freak out here in front of everyone. He didn’t want them asking why. He couldn’t explain. He had to calm down and…

It was impossible. His heart was pounding so painfully hard in his chest and it was getting worse. He couldn’t breathe right. He couldn’t open his eyes or else he might see her again and he couldn’t…he couldn’t…

“Is everything okay?” Peter called out.

“I don’t know,” Jesse replied.

Noa flinched badly when a warm hand came down on his shoulder. He almost stumbled back but caught himself. It was probably Jesse or Danny.

It was them. It had to be them. It wasn’t her.

It wasn’t her. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t her.

“Noa, hey, whoa!” Peter called out, his footsteps loud as he jogged over. “What is it?”

Noa wanted to tell him to go away. He wanted to tell them all to go away. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk opening his mouth and saying anything else. He couldn’t risk opening his eyes and seeing her again. He needed to calm down.

He was standing still but he felt dizzy. Noa wanted to cry. He was sick and unsteady, his chest too tight, his heart beating too hard and his lungs straining.

Calming down was impossible. Fear was ripping apart his senses.

“What’s going on?”

“Is Noa okay?”

“Hold on, hold on… Make sure he has space. Just give him a minute.”

“Noa,” Peter said. Noa felt a hand on his arm and he flinched again. “It’s okay. It’s just me. It’s Peter. Do you think you can open your eyes for a minute? We can walk to the car…”

Noa shook his head with all the force he could muster which, at the moment, wasn’t very much. It was a small, rapid shake of his head. But Peter understood. They had been through this before.

“Okay,” Peter said, hand still on Noa’s arm. He gave him a gentle squeeze. “Do you need to sit down?”

Probably but Noa didn’t want to do it here in the sun on the roadside with everyone watching. Instead, he stood there, eyes firmly shut, breathing hard and fast. He was shaking now too, trembling. He felt humiliated and terrified in the worst combination.

“How about I take you by the hand and guide you to the car,” Peter suggested. “Is that okay? We can go home.”

Yes… Yes, that sounded like a good idea. Noa didn’t want to be here like this at all. He gave a small nod.

“Okay,” Peter said, his palm sliding down Noa’s arm to take him by the hand. Noa had to unclench his fist and once their fingers were threaded together, he held on tight. “I’ve got you. I won’t let go until we get to the car. Okay? You’re doing great.”

“I think your dad is driving over,” Jesse said.

“Oh, good. That’ll be way easier,” Peter said. “Right, Noa? Dad’s going to bring the car around. You don’t even need to go anywhere. It’ll just be second.”

“We’re here too, Noa,” Danny added. “We care about you, you know?”

“It’s all right,” Jesse added. “You’re going to be okay.”

They were trying so hard to be supportive. Noa wished they would stop.

He wished the hand he was holding wasn’t Peter’s. He wished it was Rion. Rion would understand.

“Noa!”

That was his aunt. He heard her hurrying over.

“Is he okay?” she was asking Peter. “Is it another panic attack?”

“I don’t know. It could be,” Peter said, never letting go of Noa's hand. He lowered his voice. “Mom, we need to find something that helps him with this. The breathing exercises make it worse for him, so it’s…”

“I know,” Aunt Elaine said. “I know, Peter. I’ll talk to Dr. Maes on Monday.”

Noa could hear Sarina and Celeste coming over too. And it made him sick.

Everyone was running to him, rushing to him, wanting to help. They were worried about him. They wanted to make sure he was okay…

Noa was still struggling with his pounding heart and heavy breathing. He was afraid to open his eyes and see something horrible. His heart was beating so hard that it felt bruised. But everyone fussing over him made him sick to his stomach. He felt like he could puke or cry or both at the same time.

“Stop…stop it…” he panted out.

“What was that?” Peter said.

“Stop it…” Noa tried to say more firmly but it came out as a pathetic whimper. “Stop…stop worrying about me…stop it…please…”

If anyone said something in response, Noa didn’t hear it. Instead, he heard the crunch of tires as the car pulled up.

“I’ll get the door,” Danny said, and Noa heard it open a second later.

“Everything good?” Uncle Charlie asked.

“I think so,” Peter said, still holding onto Noa, still guiding him. “The door’s right here, Noa. You can get in.”

Noa reached out, finding the backseat of the car with a sweaty hand. He let go of Peter and threw himself onto the seat, curling on his side. He reached up for his hood, pulling it down over his eyes, curling in on himself further.

He needed to lie here and breathe and not open his eyes. He couldn’t open his eyes.

He didn’t want to see Amber again.