Noa woke on the floor next to his bed in a panic, flailing and struggling with his tangled sheets. His heart was thundering in his chest, and he thrashed frantically, kicking and pulling on the fabric until he was free.

He lay on the floor, panting, digging his fingers into the carpet. The panic began to dim now that he realized it was just a nightmare, that he was safe in his room.

There wasn’t a fire. No one was hurt. But an uneasy, anxious feeling replaced the fear, and with it came a nauseating wave of guilt.

Noa curled himself into a ball. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about anything.

He pulled his fingers from the carpet to knot them in his hair. He bit the inside of his cheek until the pain was enough of a distraction that his thoughts couldn’t race around in his head.

He was in his bedroom. He was at his aunt and uncle’s. It was raining outside.

He wasn’t at the cabin. Amber wasn’t here. She was dead. She was gone. She was never coming back.

He had to think of something else. He had to do something else. He couldn’t lie on the floor or he’d sink into his thoughts.

Noa forced himself up onto his hands and knees. He closed his eyes, breathing deep. He was shaking and covered in cold sweat, shivering, disgusting. He needed a shower.

He swallowed, breathing slowly through his nose, trying not to puke. He stayed like that on his bedroom floor until the feeling finally began to subside. Gradually, he pushed himself up, using his bed for support as he pulled himself to his feet. Standing, he tried to center himself, to compose himself, to not fall apart.

The bed was a mess of sweaty, rumpled sheets. He stared down at it, flexing his hands, trying to focus, do what needed to be done. The messy bed gave him something to think about, something to do.

He began to pull the sheets from the bed with shaking hands, bundling them up. After having a nightmare and sweating like a pig, he’d need to wash everything. He set that on the floor next to his door and then went to grab some clean clothes.

His bedside clock read 7:16 a.m.  Rain pattered against his window, the curtains unable to muffle the sound. There wasn't any sign of thunder or lightning so it should be safe to shower. He would make it quick.

Noa slipped out of his room and then stopped, leaning into the wall.

Amber’s door loomed in his peripheral vision. He refused to look at it. His chest tightened and his skin crawled with the sensation of invisible eyes watching him.

Noa turned towards the bathroom. He slunk down the hall, leaning heavily into the wall for support.

There were faint sounds from downstairs. The Murphys were already up. They were early risers and Noa was grateful that his nightmare hadn’t alerted them. The last thing he wanted was them fussing over him.

Showering, freshening up, and getting dressed made Noa feel like a person again. He could breathe easier and he wasn’t shaking anymore. But nausea still lingered in the pit of Noa’s stomach. He didn’t want breakfast and he hoped his aunt didn’t try to make cereal for him when he came downstairs.

When Noa came out of the bathroom, he planned on heading to his room so that he could collect his laundry. But Peter was in the hall, waiting for him.

Noa stopped and gave Peter a flat, unblinking stare. He was unhappy with his cousin. There was a terrible storm last night and Peter hadn’t come home when he was supposed to. Not only was Noa stressed from the storm, the thunder and the lightning, but he’d been worried about Peter, wanting him to come home. When he finally did, Noa hurried off to his room and threw himself in bed, not wanting to hear Peter’s explanation.

And then he’d had a nightmare about the lake.

“Good morning, Noa,” Peter said. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Noa didn’t answer. He slipped by Peter and headed for his room. He stuck to the wall again, only glancing up for a fraction of a second, long enough to see Amber’s door. It was closed but seeing it made Noa’s heart race.

The flashes of light and the cracks of thunder… They reminded him of back then, at the cabin.

He didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want to think about it.

He didn’t want to remember what happened to Amber.

“Noa?” Peter said, following him. “Please, can I talk to you? I wanted to apologize for last night.”

Noa hesitated, standing in the doorway to his room. He tilted his head, listening.

“I know you hate storms. I wanted to come home, but some things happened last night with Rion.”

Rion?

Noa turned back to Peter, caught off guard. He knew that Peter went out with Danny yesterday, but he didn’t know where they’d gone or what they’d done. Peter had been vague, saying that he had some things he needed to do before he’d left.

But Peter had gone to see Rion? Why? What happened?

“Can we sit and talk about some things? Please?”

Noa gave in. He nodded to Peter and then went to sit down on his stripped bed. Peter joined him, noticing the pile of laundry.

“Changing the sheets first thing in the morning?” he commented. “Am I interrupting?”

Noa wasn’t about to tell him about his nightmare. He shrugged, refusing to explain himself. He wanted to know about Rion and that was all. Fortunately, Peter knew when to drop a subject.

He was hesitating though. Peter was frowning the way he did when he was trying to sort out his thoughts.

“Danny asked me to meet with him and some of the others yesterday,” Peter finally said. “Jesse, Celeste, Sarina, and Rion were all there. Sarina and Rion have been…having problems…so Danny wanted them to apologize to each other.”

Problems? What problems?

Peter didn’t talk much about Sarina or Rion over the years. He’d expressed his frustration that Rion didn’t visit Noa, but as for Sarina… Peter didn’t like talking about her and Noa was fine with that. He was more put out by Peter’s frustrations with Rion, though Noa knew it was his own fault. Noa had been the one to fight with Rion and chase him away.

“Things didn’t work out the way they were supposed to,” Peter said. “Sarina… She’s been fighting with Rion. Physically fighting him. She’s been beating him up with her friends and she…she attacked Rion in front of us.”

“She what?” Noa said, his head whipping up.

Sarina hurting Rion? Unacceptable! Why would she even…? No! How could she! How dare she!

“I know,” Peter said darkly. “I knew they were fighting, but I didn’t know how bad it was. I feel so stupid. I had to help him take his shirt off the other day, and… He was bruised all over. She’s hurting him – not just pushing him around or whatever. I’m surprised he hasn’t broken anything, and… I’m really, really worried about him. I thought… It doesn’t matter what I thought because I was wrong about everything.”

Noa was more than upset. It made his chest feel unbearably tight. He pressed his fingers too hard against his legs, fingernails digging in and stretching the fabric of his pants.

Was that his fault? Had he failed Rion? Was it something he’d done?

But why would Sarina do that?! She was annoying when they were kids, but she was never violent! She never hit anyone! Why was she like that now? Noa didn’t understand.

He remembered how his parents used to fight, their long screaming matches. And he couldn’t count the times he was shouted at and grabbed by the arm or the hair or hit because he was being stupid and bad…

He sort of understood why it happened, even though it wasn’t right. He could understand that he was bad. He could understand that he was wrong. He could understand that he was stupid and got in the way and ruined everything.

But Sarina… She didn’t have a reason! Rion didn’t do anything to deserve that! Rion was good!

“Noa?” Peter said. “Are you okay? I’m sorry. I know this is upsetting…”

Noa opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He took a breath and then exhaled before trying again.

“I’m upset,” Noa said honestly, though there was more to it than that.

“Me too,” Peter said. “Everyone is. We kind of… Well, Danny told Sarina they weren’t friends.”

He found himself nodding, agreeing with Danny. That was the right thing to do.

“There was…something else too,” Peter said. “After we found out what Sarina was doing, we ditched her and spent some time with Rion. I invited him over, but… Rion told me that he stopped coming to see you because you told him not to. Is that true?”

“We had an argument,” Noa admitted, feeling obligated to answer Peter’s question. He hated talking about it. “I was upset.”

“Because of Amber?” Peter asked.

Noa turned away. He was still trying to avoid going back to the nightmare from last night, the thoughts of fire burning everything to the ground. The storm had made the memories fresh again.

“…I understand. At least, I think I do,” Peter said. Noa disagreed but he let Peter believe what he wanted. “There was something else I wanted to ask you about. I’m worried about Rion, but… This might seem off topic, but I want to know… What happened to your friendship bracelet?”

It was like Peter had reached into the hollow space inside Noa’s heart and pulled it wide open.

He didn’t want to answer that. He didn’t want to talk about that. Not the friendship bracelet.

No.

Noa shrugged. Peter was staring at him intensely. Noa could feel it. He tried to ignore Peter’s gaze but it was impossible.

“Noa, Rion has two friendship bracelets. I saw them both,” Peter said. “He has one that’s wrecked and one that’s intact. I know you said you lost yours, so I’m wondering if Rion has it.”

Those stupid friendship bracelets…

Noa had thrown it in the garbage. It should have stayed there and been taken out with the trash. But Rion had scooped it right out.

“Please, you can’t throw it away,” Rion had said to him in tears. “Let me keep it for you. You might want it again one day. Amber…s-she made it for you. She… Please, Noa…”

That’s when Noa had snatched it from him. He’d grabbed a pair of scissors and viciously cut it to pieces.

Rion tried to take it from him. They’d fought. Noa had pushed Rion away, and…

Noa hated thinking about it. He hated remembering. All his memories were blackened, tainted, painful.

He wished the bracelet was gone. He should have burned it, but he couldn’t go anywhere near fire. Not after Amber… But if the bracelet was gone completely, burned away like the cabin, he wouldn’t have fought with Rion and Peter wouldn’t have anything to ask about.

“Noa,” Peter tried again, “does Rion have your bracelet?”

Noa kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to say anything. He wanted Peter to leave it and forget about it.

“This is really important. Sarina’s been fighting with Rion because of the bracelets. I need to know if one of them is yours.”

…What? Why would Sarina care about the friendship bracelets and what Rion did or didn’t have?

“Rion’s been telling everyone that he cut up his bracelet.”

But Rion didn’t do it. Noa was the one who destroyed his bracelet. Rion wasn’t that kind of person. Rion was good. Noa was the horrible one who wrecked everything. Why would anyone believe that Rion was as bad as he was?

“I want to know what’s going on, Noa. I’m trying to understand. Does Rion have your bracelet? Did you leave yours with him?”

Yes, but not willingly. Rion took it. And after that fight, he’d told Rion to leave him alone and go away.

Rion listened to him. Because Rion was a good person and a good friend.

“Please tell me what’s going on.”

But Noa was thinking. He was piecing everything together.

It all made sense.

Rion took Noa’s ruined bracelet. Sarina must have seen it and Rion said it was his. He was probably hiding his real bracelet, but Peter must have found both.

Sarina was beating up Rion because she thought he wrecked his bracelet.

She should be beating on Noa. That was his fault. He was the one who did it. He was a horrible person. He was a monster. Was Sarina really stupid enough to think that Rion had done something like that?

Noa put his face in his hands. His chest hurt. This was all wrong and it was his fault. Everything was always his fault.

No wonder Rion tried to give him his own, intact bracelet. It made sense now. He was trying to protect him.

Rion always tried to protect him.

“Noa…”

“It’s mine,” Noa said. “It’s my bracelet. I cut it up and Rion took it.”

Peter was silent for a long moment and when he spoke, his voice was heavy with disappointment and pain.

“Why, Noa?”

Noa wanted to curl up and disappear. He bit his tongue until it prickled painfully.

“I didn’t want to look at it anymore,” Noa finally said. “It’s a lie.”

“What’s a lie?” Peter asked. “What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t Amber’s friend,” Noa said, his voice breaking. His eyes stung with tears. “I was horrible to her. I didn’t save her. I killed her. Everything is all my fault–”

“No! No, Noa, that’s not true at all!” Peter said and immediately pulled Noa into a tight hug. “Didn’t we already tell you not to blame yourself? It was an accident. We all knew that the cabin needed to be rewired. It was an electrical fire. It… No one could have predicted things would happen the way they did. It was all just really, really bad luck and timing, and…”

Noa clung to Peter because it was all he could do. He was overwhelmed, his heart in his throat, tears in his eyes.

And Peter was wrong. He was wrong. He was so wrong.

It was Noa’s fault! Everything was his fault.

If things had been different! If he had just… If he hadn’t been so stupid and emotional and… He shouldn’t have put everything on Rion! He should have been paying attention! He should have…!

He should have…

But he didn’t.

Noa’s thoughts were an angry, guilt-ridden rush. He clutched at Peter for something to hold onto, burying his face against him, wanting for all his feelings to stop.

He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t speak. He felt sick to his stomach and his only clear thought was that he hated himself.

Noa had no right to seek comfort from Peter. He had no right to even be here in this house.

It should have been him. He should have died. He should have drowned in a bathtub years and years ago, before ever coming to live with the Murphys.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said, holding him close. “I’m sorry for bringing this up first thing in the morning. I should have waited. You’re seeing Doctor Maes today, right? You should tell her this stuff. Please, Noa. I can go in with you if you want.”

“No,” was all Noa could say into Peter’s shirt.

He didn’t want to talk about any of this.

He just wanted it to be over.